I'm Thinking of Something
by RainbowDiamonds
Summary: Logan Mitchell is facing the scariest moment of his life, and is forced to take the most annoying person on the planet along for the ride. What he eventually discovers, though, is that James Diamond might be the only person in the world who can teach him how to live. Slash. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Logan Mitchell stood in the room that had been his refuge and comfort for nine years, a fresh wave of panic descending so that his hands were shaking, his stomach rolling, and his chest painfully tight. From the time he'd stood in a hospital room and been assured by a kind doctor that his mother would survive the horrific car crash if he had anything to say about it (and fortunately, Dr. Jet did), Logan had been preparing for this moment. His mother had not only survived but been able to walk, something everyone except that particular doctor had said was impossible, and when she took her first steps three months after the accident, Logan decided he wanted to be that doctor.

Following his mother's recovery, Logan had returned to the hospital and requested to speak with the doctor; he had to wait two hours, but eventually Dr. Jet appeared and bought him lunch in the cafeteria as Logan peppered him with questions and begged for advice about becoming a doctor. He'd spent the next nine years learning everything he could about the medical profession (teaching himself much of it via books and documentaries) and studying to excel at every test so that he could get into his chosen university, which just happened to be the same one Dr. Jet graduated from. Surveying his room now while attempting to fight off the anxiety clawing its way up into his throat, Logan wished he could call Dr. Jet for a last-minute pep talk and encouragement.

Dr. Jet was busy at the hospital tonight, though, and Logan had annoyed his mother enough with what-if's and second-guesses. He allowed his eyes to run over the three suitcases and new backpack resting on the floor near his bedroom door, doing a mental replay of everything he'd packed. What if he'd forgotten his lucky pen? No, he specifically remembered slipping it into the small pocket at the front of the pack.

Or had he dreamed that? Biting his lip in an effort to remember, Logan finally caved and opened the pocket to peek in. Yes, the pen was there. He could breathe easy again.

Unless...

Had he remembered to grab his new shoes from his mother's car? What if the bag was still sitting in the backseat?

He ran to the wall rack hanging just inside the front door, frowning when the car keys weren't dangling from their little hook. "Mom!"

A head of dark hair shot with a few strands of gray poked out from the kitchen. "What's wrong, honey?"

"Where are the car keys?"

"In my pocket. You brought your shoes in this morning and packed them four hours ago."

Brows furrowed together, Logan stared back into her patient gaze. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Logan. Just like I told you the last two times you ran out to the car to double-check. Which is why I'm holding my keys hostage." Joanna finished drying her hands on a dish towel before tossing it aside and stepping into the living room. "Come here, honey."

"Mom, I'm fine."

"I know you are." She used one hand on his shoulder to steer him to the sofa, dragging him down with her. "I'm not sure _you_ realize that, though."

"I...it's..."

"I know. If you think I'm not scared, you need to have that genius mind of yours checked. I'm terrified. This is the first time I'll be living without you, and while I know you're capable of taking care of yourself, I can't help but worry. I'm your mother."

Logan let out a long sigh, rubbing his hands over his face and keeping them there as he spoke. "Then why aren't you freaking out?"

"Because it doesn't do any good. I'll admit to moments of panic when I'm laying in bed at night and have nothing else to distract me, but those are more fears of the unknown. I've lived a long time, I know all the bad things that can happen to you out there."

"Don't remind me," Logan groaned.

"And sometimes it terrifies me," she said again. "But not once have I worried that you can't take care of yourself or that you're not ready. This is your dream, Logan. You've wanted medical school since you were nine years old, and this is the first step to making that happen. You'll have university done in three years, tops. I know you. And then the medical field is your playground."

"But what if I _don't_ have it done in three years? What if I crack the first year? The first _day_? Mom, what if I can't even find my first class?" The panic ratcheted up again, causing his voice to break on the last word.

"Logan Mitchell, you have never been lost a day in your life. You'll have the campus map memorized by..." Joanna trailed off, then her eyes narrowed. "You already do."

Nodding sheepishly, Logan rubbed the back of his neck. "But there's still a chance I'll get lost, I mean-"

"And if you do, there are people there to help you. You're not completely alone, honey. You know you can call me if you ever need to talk. I'm sure Kendall has made the same offer."

"Yeah, but he's going to be busy getting settled with the new team, and California's so far away from Texas, and..." It came back again in a more intense wave than before, the panic that left him light-headed and with tears crowding into his eyes. "What if he forgets about me? Finds a new best friend who's cooler and doesn't choke up around girls and doesn't try to talk him out of stupid stunts and—oh god, Mom, what if he hurts himself because his new best friend dares him to do something stupid? I can't go! Kendall needs me!"

Her voice stern now, Joanna chastised, "Stop that right now. Kendall can take care of himself just as well as you can. I admit he's a little more prone to getting into trouble, and without you he probably would have been in jail at least three times, but he's grown up a lot this year. And didn't I hear him say just the other day that if you backed out of UCLA, he'd find a way to kick your ass all the way there?"

Logan's cheeks flushed hotly. "I didn't know you heard that."

"I hear a lot," Joanna laughed. "Enough to know he's proud of you and will come visit whenever he can. He wants you to do this, Logan. Would you want him to give up on hockey?"

"No! Of course not! It's his dream, it's what he's always wanted, why would you even-"

"Because he feels the same way about you. And so do I. This is what you're meant to do. I know it's scary, but that won't last. By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, I'm going to have to fight you to come home because you'll be too busy on some science project or thesis or...whatever it is you'll do."

"No, you won't," Logan smiled. "You'll just have to come visit me instead, if that's the case. I'm not spending Thanksgiving without my family."

"Well, just remember that your family also consists of Kendall's mother and sister, so we'll all expect you home to get together for the holidays like we always do."

"I'll be here." Feeling rationality returning, Logan hugged his mom. "Promise. I've just never been away from you and Kendall and...what if I don't make any friends out there? What if I'm lonely?"

"The only thing that would keep you from making friends is you, sweetie. Promise me you won't have your nose buried in your books so often that you don't smile at a pretty girl once in awhile."

Rolling his eyes, Logan leaned away from his mom. "I'm gonna be too busy to look at girls."

"Logan, I know your education is important but there's nothing wrong with having a social life on top of it. Find yourself a new Kendall out there to drag you away from your books once in awhile."

"A new Kendall? Don't even joke about that. Kendall's irreplaceable."

"Well, I don't disagree with that, but it's okay to make new friends, too. Like you said, _he_ will. And before you get upset, I don't mean he'll replace you. Just that he'll meet new people."

"I know. It just scares me. What if we come back for Thanksgiving and he brings some new friend with him? What if he brings a girlfriend?"

"He's allowed to do that, isn't he?" Joanna joked.

"Of course, Mom, I just...remember that girlfriend he had in sophomore year that insisted he spend all his time with her? That was the hardest two months of my life. I never saw him."

"Yes, but he learned from that. His next two girlfriends weren't like that at all, they were nice."

"I guess. They at least allowed me to tag along on some of the dates. They didn't have to do that."

"No, they didn't. And I'm sure that whatever friends or girlfriends Kendall meets, if they don't accept you in his life, they won't last."

Logan nodded, breathing in deeply before letting it out. "You're right. He promised me that."

"See? It's going to be fine, honey. You two can find time to talk on the phone, or text or video call or whatever you do. I know you're worried that over time you'll drift apart, right?"

"Yeah. It's my biggest fear."

"All I can say about that is that if it does happen, there's a reason. Something to replace each other. You don't want to hear that, but it's true. But I don't see that happening. You and Kendall will be friends forever."

"Promise?" Logan asked in a tiny voice. "I don't know how to face people without him. He's good with people; I'm not."

"Then practice. Take your head out of those books, Logan. Not all the time, I don't want that scholarship to go to waste. But honey...this is the most exciting time of your life. When you're older, you'll look back on your college years as the best. This is when you start to live. Let yourself live. Experience new things. Fall in love."

Logan chuckled. "You're really pushing the girlfriend thing."

She shrugged, unapologetic. "I want grandchildren. Sue me."

"I love you, Mom." He didn't shy away when she hugged him close with one arm, but sat stiffly. "I'll try, okay? You know I don't have luck with girls. I can barely talk to them."

"You do fine working with them on projects."

"Yes, but the moment they start staring at me too long or tell me I look good or ask if I want to see a movie, I fall apart. I just...I don't know how to behave around them. No matter how many times Kendall's tried to teach me."

"Don't worry about it. It'll come in time, and when you find the right one you won't have to think about it; it'll just be natural. You'll think about her when she's not right in front of you and you'll see her when you close your eyes at night. Just...don't stifle that when it comes around, okay? Let it happen. That's all I ask."

"I'll try." Logan stood up and braced himself. "I'm gonna go check over everything again, make sure I have it all packed."

"Okay. And don't stay up too late."

"I won't, I want to be on the road by six. Thanks, Mom. For believing in me."

"I do, sweetie. You're going to save so many lives."

And with those seven words, Joanna put Logan at ease. He remembered why he was doing this, nodding slowly. Suddenly he could breathe freely, his chest loose as calm descended over him.

"I am."

He was halfway to his room when he wondered if he'd remembered to pack his new shoes, or if he'd left them in the car. "Mom?"

"You packed them four hours ago, honey."

"Right. Okay. Thanks."

* * *

Two hours later found Logan sitting on his bed, rigid as a board in the dark. He was trying to get used to the idea that this was his last night in the room, at least until Thanksgiving. The panic was returning, as he supposed it would repeatedly for months to come, and memories were flashing through his mind like scenes from a film—all of them of himself and his best friend Kendall in this room.

How many nights had they spent in this very bed, giggling and telling secrets and yes, even crying sometimes, because life couldn't always be full of sunshine and rainbows? He remembered how scared he'd been that Kendall wouldn't want to be his friend after learning that he was a bedwetter, but rather than hate him for it, Kendall had made a few jokes before telling Logan it was no big deal and then helping him find out how to get past it. He remembered Kendall living with them for two weeks just before his father left, because Kendall refused to be in the same room with a man who wouldn't stand by his family; only when his father had moved away did Kendall return to the Knight home. He'd cried every night of those two weeks, making Logan swear to never tell anyone—and Logan never had. They'd done homework on this bed, played video games on this bed, talked about girls and kissing and when Kendall had gone all the way with a girl for the first time, it was in this bed he described the experience to Logan in painstaking detail. Logan was both horrified and fascinated. They'd watched movies and played board games, colored with crayons and gossiped about other students, and all of it was done on this very bed.

How was he supposed to live without Kendall?

Tears were falling by the time his phone rang, making him jump before wiping his eyes and clearing his throat. Maybe just this once Kendall wouldn't be able to tell he'd been crying.

"Hey," he greeted his best friend, voice strong.

"I know you're crying."

Logan let it go then, reaching for a tissue but not saying anything as he silently cried.

"I'd be there tonight if I could."

"I know. It's okay."

"You got this, dude. You're gonna get out there and blow everyone away with that big brain of yours."

Logan chuckled and wiped his eyes again. "Mom says I have to pay attention to girls once in awhile, too."

"Well, she's a mom. She has to say that. But it couldn't hurt, Logan."

"Yeah, yeah." Already feeling a tad better because Kendall's voice was on the line, Logan cleared his throat again. "I'll be leaving around 5:30 in the morning."

"I'll be up. You can call me if you need to."

"Thanks. But I'm okay. Just scared."

"I know. You're worried I'll meet a bunch of new people and won't care about you anymore."

A strangled sob worked its way free before Logan was able to control himself.

"You know that's bullshit, right, Logan? You're my best friend and you're always gonna be."

"But you'll have new friends to hang out with and you'll share a room with a teammate and-"

"And none of them are you. They might be cool, and I'll probably be glad I know them. But I'd still miss you and count down the days until I can see you again. And you think I'm not worried about the same thing?"

"What?" Logan asked, confused.

"Do you think I'm gonna be the only one making new friends? You'll be with all your smart college buddies who can talk to you about things I can't. Why would you want to talk to me when you could talk to them?"

"Kendall, that's ridiculous. I'd never-"

"And neither would I. Just remember that, okay? When you start to worry that I'll drift away, remember that. If there was a way I could bring you to Texas with me, I would. But that wouldn't be fair to you. Just like it wouldn't be fair to me if I went to Los Angeles with you."

"I know," Logan said softly. "I'm just sitting in this bed remembering the past nine years with you and...I don't want it to end."

There was silence on the other end of the line, Logan about to ask if Kendall was still there when Kendall spoke. "I don't either."

For the first time, Logan heard a mirror of his own fears and feelings in Kendall's voice and knew Kendall was fighting back tears. "I'm gonna miss you," Logan admitted. "So much."

"Yeah. I'm gonna miss you, too."

They cried together for a minute before Kendall cleared his throat. "Okay, I don't do this crying shit, so we might as well fight instead. I can handle that better."

"Fight? Why would we fight? We never fight."

"Yes, we do. Usually when I want you to do something and you don't want to, but you always cave in the end anyway."

"Kendall, we don't need to fight. I don't want our last night together to be fighting."

"I don't either, but it's going to happen."

"Why?"

"Because the other reason I called is to ask you a favor that you won't want to do so we'll argue about it for ten minutes and then you'll give in. And that's so much easier than crying."

"What favor?" Logan questioned, immediately suspicious as he wiped the last of his tears away.

"So, you know Shelly."

"Shelly? Your last girlfriend?"

"Yeah. She was pretty cool, right?"

"I suppose," Logan answered cautiously. "At least until she fell in love with that drama guy."

"Well, there's no accounting for taste," Kendall chuckled. "But you know we stayed friends."

"Okay?"

"She called me tonight to say goodbye and we were talking and she was telling me her best friend is having a crisis and she wants to help and doesn't know how."

Logan frowned. "Still not seeing what this has to do with me."

"I'm getting there. Her best friend was supposed to be on a bus to L.A. tomorrow but that fell through because he lost his ticket."

"Wait, her best friend's a guy?"

"Yeah. I've met him a few times, he's...different. Not a bad guy or anything, just different."

"Okay? What does that—oh no. No, Kendall. No way."

"Hear me out, Logan."

"Absolutely not."

"Look, he has three auditions lined up and has to be in Hollywood in three days and doesn't have money to replace the lost ticket."

"He can just call the bus company, they'll reprint the ticket."

"Apparently he can't find the confirmation number, either."

"Are you...come on, Kendall, it has to be in his email or something."

"Yeah, he forgot his email password."

Logan's eyebrows shot up while his jaw dropped down. "Hold on a second. Are you telling me this guy not only managed to somehow lose a bus ticket, but can't even get into his own email because he can't remember a password? _His_ password?"

"I told you-he's different. Not all that bright. But a nice enough guy. Mostly."

"Mostly?" Logan echoed. "Kendall, you are not expecting me to spend thirty-five hours in a car with a complete stranger who can't even get into his own email. Why doesn't he just reset the password?"

"I don't know. I just know Shelly was really upset that she couldn't do anything for him and asked if I had the money for a ticket. I wish I did, because I know what it's like to have a dream. It would suck to be so close to making your dreams come true and be held back by something stupid like that, wouldn't it?"

Recognizing the guilt trip for what it was, Logan shook his head. "Nice try. What do you know about this guy?"

"Like I said, I've met him a few times. He wants to break into the Hollywood scene. He just graduated, like us, and has been saving his whole life to move out there."

"So...if he has money..."

"He doesn't. He got scammed out of it because he's not very bright. But he's got a lot of heart."

"Kendall, you can't be serious right now. How the hell do you get scammed out of your life's savings?"

"You'll have to ask him that. Something about llamas. Or was it alpacas?"

"Alpacas," Logan muttered under his breath, unable to believe what Kendall was asking him to do. "Please tell me you didn't already offer me as a chauffeur."

"I did, but I told her I had to ask you first."

"What were you thinking?! You know how nervous I am already, the last thing I need is to babysit some moron who can't even figure out how to reset his password!"

"Logan, come on. It's one day of your life. You're helping him make his dreams come true. Shelly said he'd locked himself in a bathroom and she was worried about him. He's devastated. Imagine how you would feel. What if something went wrong and you couldn't go tomorrow? And you had three interviews booked for entrance to medical school?"

Logan ground his teeth together, fighting to keep from yelling at Kendall.

"You'd be devastated, too, right? And desperate."

"What's in this for you?"

"What?"

"Why are you so eager to help her? Are you hoping to win her back?"

"No, she's happy with Drama Guy."

"Are we sure the friend is not Drama Guy?"

"Positive. He's a drama guy, but not _that_ drama guy."

"So then why are you helping some guy you hardly know?"

"I don't know. Shelly was so upset, and I really do sympathize with him. I know how I'd feel if something kept me from the Wild."

"You're way too nice, Kendall."

"When I want to be," he conceded. "So will you do it? All you have to do is drive him to L.A. She said he has a friend out there he can stay with. You can say goodbye there and never have to see him again."

"My mom won't agree to this. Not with my new car, the insurance only covers me and she won't want to be liable for-."

"She doesn't need to know."

"Kendall! She bought me this car with the money she saved up for my tuition, I'm not going to lie to her!"

"Oh, like we haven't bent the truth before? Logan, you can do this."

"I don't want to."

"But you will. Because you're my best friend and you love me and you'd do anything for me."

"This isn't for you! It's not even for Shelly, it's for some guy with dreams and fantasies of fame in his head."

"Just think if he gets famous, dude. One day he could be thanking you in his Oscar speech."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Is he even any good?"

"No idea. But he's got the look for it. Seriously, he's got a pretty face and Shelly says he always has chicks falling all over him. He could do it."

"Oh great, so he's some hot guy that will make fun of me the whole time. Really, Kendall? Are you really asking me to do this?"

"I am. Tell him he owes you dinner or something if he gets famous. Shelly says he's a nice guy, deep down. Just a little full of himself."

Closing his eyes, Logan fought for patience. "You're not helping your case. I'm not doing this, Kendall. I'm sorry."

"Great! I'll text you the address and tell him you'll pick him up at seven?"

"I wanted to be on the road by 6:00."

"Okay, I'll tell him to be ready at 6:00."

"No, 5:45. That way we can be on the road by six. And he'd better be ready, because I'm not waiting. Tell him-" Logan stopped speaking, blinking in surprise at his own words. "Wait a minute, what the hell am I saying? I'm not doing this."

"I just texted him, he'll be ready by 5:30 just to be safe. He's really excited and says thank you."

"Wait, he says...you texted him? Kendall, what the hell? I hate you!"

Kendall only laughed, incensing Logan more. "But hey—we're not crying, are we? I told you this was easier."

"Did I really think I would miss this?"

"You know you will," Kendall answered, affection in his voice. "I miss you already, Logie."

Logan sighed as the tears returned. "I know. I miss you, too. How am I going to live without you?"

"Call me every day. Video chat when we can. Text constantly."

"And what happens when we get busy and the texts get farther and farther apart? When the daily calls become every other day, and then once a week? What happens then, Kendall?" Logan asked, the panic back.

"We remember tonight and this promise to be best friends forever. Because I'm promising you that right now, Logan. Nobody can share with me what I've shared with you. That's never gonna change. And you promise me that once you graduate med school, you come back to practice here in Minnesota. Because I don't know how I'm gonna live without you, either."

"What if you're traded to a different team by then?"

"We'll figure it out. No one's taking you from me. Even if we're on opposite coasts, you're still here in my heart, buddy. Don't ever forget that. And when you do? Call me so I can remind you."

The tears were flowing freely now, Logan wiping at his eyes again while Kendall was doing a slightly better job at keeping the flood at bay. "Love you, Kendall."

"I love you, too, buddy. We're gonna be okay."

Logan believed that Kendall meant every word, but he also knew that feelings change over time. The only thing that would prove his words was time itself. "I need to get to bed. A lot of driving ahead of me."

"Yeah. Be careful. Call if you need me."

"Always. I'll text you before I get on the road tomorrow."

"Don't forget James."

"Who's James?"

"The guy you're picking up in the morning."

"Oh. Yeah, I already forgot about that."

"Don't let him down, Logan. He needs you."

"He'd better not expect me to pay for his food."

"Don't worry about it. Just...have fun with it."

"Fun. Sure."

"Think of it as an adventure. Seeing the country. And be glad you don't have to do it alone."

"I'd _rather_ do it alone."

"Too bad. Night, Logan."

"Goodnight," Logan sighed. "Thanks for calling, even if you had ulterior motives."

"I would've called anyway. You know I always look out for you, even when I can't be there."

It wasn't until Logan was curled up in bed and almost asleep that Kendall's last words replayed in his mind, and suddenly he understood: Kendall was worried about Logan driving all that way by himself and had found a way to look out for him. No matter what this James character was like, at least Logan wasn't alone—that would be enough for Kendall.

Both annoyed and touched by the gesture, Logan fell asleep with a smile on his face; as scared as he was of the future, he knew Kendall would always be there for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Logan managed to keep his own tears away while hugging his mother goodbye, but only because she was doing enough crying for both of them and he was on a schedule; if he started, too, he'd never get out of there. Normally not one to cry, this was a special situation and his fears were getting the better of him.

After promising to call her at his first gas stop (and feeling guilty about his unspoken plans to pick up a passenger who was a complete stranger), Logan waved at his mother and punched James' address into the navigation system. He'd recalculated his itinerary the night before, with the addition of James, and luckily it only put him a half hour behind schedule. James lived just far enough away that he'd been zoned for different schools, but close enough that it wasn't a complete hassle to swing by and load him up.

Dread filled him as he turned onto James' street. His fear was that he'd arrive to find the guy either not packed or still asleep or...the possibilities were endless.

But as his eyes scanned the house numbers on the curb, they fell upon a pair of high-end sneakers that dangled from long legs encased in blue jeans that were artfully torn. He slowed to a stop and the young man Logan assumed to be James jumped up from his perch atop one of five suitcases. Anxiety creeping up again because Logan feared new people, he forced himself to lower the passenger window instead of shoving his foot down hard on the gas pedal.

Logan's space was invaded by a head of luxurious walnut hair preceding the appearance of broad shoulders that peeked out from a sleeveless gray t-shirt. Leaning in through the passenger window, James grinned at him with excitement shining in eyes that were a muddy green. Or were they a light brown? It was hard to tell, especially since Logan was backing as far toward his door as he could.

"You're Logan, right?! Hi! I'm James! Thanks for picking me up, this is gonna be awesome!"

Already wishing he'd never agreed to this, Logan slowly extended his hand to the one waiting to shake it. "Hi. Is that...you really can't fit five suitcases in the trunk."

"Ha, watch me."

The window reappeared when James removed his upper body from it. He'd managed to pick up two suitcases before Logan was stepping out of the car hurriedly.

"Wait, what are you...I gave you space in there but not enough for...the bus was really going to let you take five suitcases?"

Logan rounded the back of the car as he spoke, halting James near the right corner of it.

"No, they only allowed two. But when Kendall told me you were gonna drive me, I figured why not take more stuff?"

"Um...because this is a compact car and...wait, what are you doing?"

James was tugging open the back door to eye the inside space critically. "This is what you left me? Half the back seat?"

"No, I left you some room in the trunk but...no, don't put your stuff...James, hold on!" Now Logan rushed back to the driver's side to pop the trunk, but James already had two of his suitcases thrown haphazardly into the back. "Stop, you can't just toss them in there like that! You have to make sure they won't bounce around all over the place."

"It's fine," James announced with a wave of his hand, then he whipped his head to the left to clear long bangs out of his eyes. "I can fit one more on top here and-"

"I have to be able to see out the back window!" Rushing around again, Logan pulled out the third bag James had shoved in. It was so heavy it almost knocked him off balance, James reaching out to steady him.

"Whoa! Be careful, dude!"

"Well, this suitcase is bigger than I am. What the heck is in it?"

"My stuff," James answered unhelpfully.

"Fine. Put that one in the trunk, and the other big one as well. I guess I can fit my smaller one in the back seat."

"See? No need to freak out, we'll make it work," James grinned. His enthusiasm might have been infectious if Logan wasn't so frustrated.

"Okay, just hurry. We're already ten minutes behind schedule and I want to beat the traffic leaving the city."

"What's the rush? My auditions aren't until Monday. We've got three whole days to cruise the country."

After lugging his own suitcase into the back seat, Logan shook his head. "My classes start Monday. I want to be moved into my dorm no later than tomorrow afternoon, that way I have all day Sunday to prepare and get settled in."

"Oh." Disappointment clouded James' eyes (what color _were_ they?) for two seconds before he shook it off with a shrug. "Still cool to be cruising the country, right? And headed for Hollywood, what could be more awesome than _that_?"

Logan could have named an entire list of things, but in the interest of saving time he chose to keep his mouth shut. It took another five minutes for him to get the luggage put away in a proper manner, and then he turned to declare the problem solved but found himself talking to no one. A glance through the now-clear rear window showed him that James had folded himself into the passenger seat and was already maneuvering the controls to fit the chair's position to his liking.

After sucking in a deep, calming breath and praying for patience, Logan settled himself behind the wheel and buckled up. "You could've helped me with that."

"Why? You had it handled." There was one more shift of the passenger seat backward, then a tilt of the upper portion before James nodded. "Perfect."

"Not quite. You forgot the seat belt."

James turned his head to the left and raised an eyebrow that looked as if it had been sculpted over long lashes. "Do I need one? Are you a horrible driver?"

"Of course not, I'm a highly responsible driver. I take safety seriously, though, and the last thing I need is to go to jail for manslaughter when I have to slam on my brakes and you go flying through the windshield."

"If you're so highly responsible, why would you have to slam on your brakes?"

"Because drivers are unpredictable. You have to be prepared."

"Just don't tailgate anyone and you'll be fine. Plenty of time to stop."

"Not necessarily. You can be the safest driver in the world and still get into an accident."

"Not if you-"

The last of his patience fled and Logan gritted his teeth to speak through them, eyes squeezing shut. "James, if you don't put on a seat belt right now, I'm leaving you here. You have three seconds to make up your mind."

Surprisingly, James took the entire three seconds to do just that. Logan didn't open his eyes until he heard the belt moving to click into place, and once it had, James looked over at him again. "You're a really uptight kind of guy, aren't you?"

"It's called safety." Logan reached out to turn the key in the ignition.

"Uptight," James repeated, doing his best to stretch out legs that were too long to be cooped up in a car. He shifted a few times, leaning back as far as he could, then sighed in a content manner and linked his hands behind his head. "So when do we stop for gas? I need food."

"You haven't eaten?"

"Nah, I was too busy making sure I packed everything."

Well, at least they had that in common. "What about...wait." Logan slowed to a stop, not concerned because there was no one behind them. "Did you need to say goodbye to anyone? Your parents, did you already...?"

"Mom's at work."

"Wow. She leaves early."

"Yeah."

When there was nothing more forthcoming, Logan pressed, "And your dad?"

"He's still sleeping."

"Oh." Considering it was still early, that wasn't too much of a surprise, but the fact that he hadn't even gotten out of bed to see his son off for a trip across the country was surprising. "I was almost late getting on the road because my mom wouldn't stop crying."

"Must be nice."

Logan hadn't meant it in a bragging way, but of course that was exactly how it must have sounded to James, who was currently staring out his window as if he'd never seen the neighborhood before. "Sorry. I didn't mean..."

"It's fine. What about your dad? Did he cry, too?"

"Uh, no. I don't have one."

That got James' head swiveling toward Logan again. "You have to. I admit I wasn't too great at biology, but I know that much."

"No, I mean I have one," Logan chuckled, making the turn onto the freeway. "I just...I've never met him. He left Mom while she was pregnant with me, so..."

"That's messed up. I'd never leave my kid."

"No?"

"Nope. Have you ever tried to find him?"

Logan opened his mouth to deny it, because he'd never admitted to anyone that curiosity got the better of him. Somehow the denial got twisted on the way from his brain to his lips, though, and he answered, "He lives in California. I know his exact address and where he works and that he's currently married with two children. But I have no desire to meet him."

"Really." The tone accompanied by the smirk showed that James didn't believe that.

"Honestly. Why would I want to know someone who didn't even care enough to stick around and watch me grow up?"

"Because he's your dad," James said simply.

"No." Logan shook his head, gaze straight ahead on the road. "He's my father. You have to earn the title of 'dad'."

"So...the fact that you're going to college in California, that has nothing to do with your dad— _father_ , sorry—living out there?"

"Nothing at all."

James nodded slowly, but Logan sensed he didn't believe that either.

"I'm serious," Logan added. "I'll be living twenty minutes away from him and don't even care. I'm not going to visit him or anything."

"But you'll spy."

"What?!"

"You'll spy on him. At least once. How could you not?"

"Easily. He's not worth my time."

"Bullshit. You're dying to know what he looks like."

"I already know. I've seen pictures."

"Social media?"

"Maybe," Logan admitted.

The smirk returned. "Yeah, you'll spy on him. Maybe even walk by and see if he notices you. And don't beat yourself up about it, dude. Anybody would."

"Not me."

Logan felt James' narrowed gaze studying his profile, making him wonder how he was going to survive thirty-five hours of this; his chest was already tightening and his palms moist. Why was he so horrible with people?

"Does your mom know?" James asked suddenly, eyes still boring into him.

"Know what?"

"That you found your dad."

"No," Logan replied, a flush creeping up into his neck.

"Yep, you're totally planning to stalk him." James was amused by the notion.

"I'm not stalking anyone! Where do you get this stuff?"

"Did you tell Kendall?"

"Tell Kendall what?" Logan spluttered, exasperated.

"That you found your dad. That he lives where you're going."

"No, why would I?"

"Because he's your best friend; that's what Shelly said. And don't best friends tell each other everything?"

"Do _you_ tell _yours_ everything?"

"Yep. Unless I plan to do something sneaky behind her back."

"Will you just...and quit staring at me! It makes me uncomfortable."

"That's because I'm right," James grinned, but thankfully turned to face forward in his seat again. "Dude, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'd want to know who my dad is, too. If I didn't."

Logan continued to drive in silence, outward demeanor calm but his mind jumbled. How had this jerk read him so easily? They'd just met and even Kendall had never suspected that he'd-

 _Kendall._

Logan groaned. "I never called Kendall."

"What?"

"I told him I'd call when I got on the road."

"So call."

"I'm driving."

Though there was a roll of what Logan had finally determined to be hazel eyes, James kept his comments to himself while reaching for his phone. "I'll call and put him on speaker. By the way, I'll need a place to charge this. You got an extra portal thingy?"

"Portal thingy?" Logan echoed. "If you mean a car charger, I have one with two USB ports but I'm using both."

"What for?"

"My phone and the back-up battery for it."

"Are they both fully charged right now?"

"Yes, but-"

"So you can't share?"

Logan hesitated, hating to give one up. He believed in being prepared and charged at all costs, but he supposed his battery pack would hold a full charge until he used it.

James continued before Logan could speak. "My phone's almost dead. Please?"

"How is your phone almost dead? Didn't you charge it overnight?"

"Yeah."

"So then how is it almost dead?"

"I was bored waiting for you. I played games."

Logan frowned as he considered that. "How long were you waiting for me?"

"I don't know. At least an hour?"

"Outside on the curb?"

"Yeah."

"In the dark?"

"You don't need a light to use a phone."

"Weren't you cold?"

"I had my jacket if I needed it."

"Why wouldn't you wait inside?"

"I don't know. Too excited, I guess."

"But didn't you say you skipped breakfast because you were too busy packing?"

"Yeah."

"So...at no point during the hour you were playing games did you take a few minutes to eat?"

"I didn't think about it. Wasn't hungry then."

Reminded of a child who answers "I didn't have to go then" when asked why he didn't use the restroom before leaving the house, Logan shook his head. That led to a scary thought. "You did use the bathroom, right?"

"For what?"

"The toilet, James. You used the toilet before we left, right?"

"Of course. When I got out of bed."

"Which was...two hours ago?"

"About that."

Which meant James would be complaining of a need to urinate in an hour, tops. Unless... "You said you didn't eat?"

"Nope."

"Did you drink anything?"

"Oh. Yeah, I was pounding coffee most of the night."

Logan's fingers tightened painfully on the wheel and he fought hard to once again keep from yelling. "We'll need to stop soon, then."

"Why? Do you have to pee?"

"No."

"Oh, the other. No shame in that, dude."

"I don't have to use the bathroom!" Logan snapped.

"Then why are we stopping?"

"Because _you_ need to use the bathroom."

"No, I don't. I'm good right now."

"You won't be in an hour, and by then we'll be outside the city limits and in the middle of nowhere."

"Exactly. So I can just pee wherever I want, no one around. Just pull over when I need to and-"

"Absolutely not!" Logan hissed, scandalized. "You will not get me a ticket for indecent exposure and defamation of property!"

"It's dirt and grass, dude. No one's gonna care."

"We're pulling over now."

"Fine, but I don't have to go."

"Just try."

"I'm telling you, I don't have to-"

"James, if you don't try I will leave you there. We're close enough that you can catch a bus back."

"I'm not going back."

"Then try to pee."

"Fine."

Logan took the exit off the interstate, fuming inside and again wondering how he was going to make it all the way to the west coast with this maddening idiot next to him. Kendall was going to pay.

Once they'd parked at a fast food restaurant, Logan pointed toward the building. "Go."

"Aren't you gonna go, too?"

"No. I went at the house."

"Shouldn't you go anyway? Just in case? Isn't that what you're making me do?"

Logan inhaled deeply before responding, and of course because James mentioned it, now Logan was feeling a slight urge. "Just go. I'm going to call Kendall and then I'll be in. And you might as well get some breakfast while we're here."

"Then I'll have to pee again."

"Get a small drink. No coffee."

James disappeared into the restaurant and Logan laid his head on the steering wheel for a few blessed seconds of silence. When he lifted it, he spun in the seat to make sure the luggage hadn't shifted around haphazardly and noted that a black leather jacket had been tossed on top of a suitcase. Logan hadn't even seen James holding it earlier, though he'd probably been distracted with rearranging suitcases in the trunk.

Picking up his phone from the removable cradle he'd attached the day before, Logan sent a call through to Kendall, who answered on the second ring.

"Hey, you running behind schedule?"

"I'm going to kill you. There will be no warning, I'll just sneak into your room one night when you're asleep and be done with it. Maybe when I come home for Thanksgiving."

"Now, Logan, don't-"

"Don't 'Now Logan' me. Do you have any idea what you signed me up for?"

"Yes. A companion to drive across the country with."

"An idiot, Kendall. He's an idiot and he won't shut up and-"

"And you're doing him a favor. Keep that in mind."

"It's hard when he-"

"What? Tell me, Logan, what has he done that's so horrible?"

Logan held his breath and was about to rant when he realized that everything he would complain about, Kendall would most likely tell him wasn't a big deal—because to Kendall, it wasn't. "You know how I am."

"I do," Kendall replied, and Logan could hear the smirk in his tone.

"Don't laugh at me."

"I'm not! But yes, I know how you are. I'm sure he's driving you insane by not respecting your space and throwing wrenches into your carefully-planned itinerary, but-"

"That's exactly what he's doing!"

"And he needs you. He really needs this, Logan. Please, try to be patient with him."

"How much do you know about him?"

"Not a lot, honestly. Shelly only said he's unhappy here and wants to start fresh somewhere new. Reinvent himself."

"Well, I guess Hollywood's the place to do it." Logan inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. "We haven't even left the city yet. We had to stop because he didn't pee first." When there was no reply, Logan rolled his eyes. "Go ahead, I know you're holding in your laughter."

"Sorry, dude," Kendall chuckled, "but seriously—try to relax and enjoy this. How often will you be able to just hop in a car and see the country like that? Take pictures and send them to me."

"We'll lose reception once we get far enough away from civilization. But I'll check in when I can."

"Good. I don't want to hold you up, so I'm gonna let you go. Have fun with it, bro. Broaden your horizons. Allow yourself to make a new friend."

"Yeah, he's not..." Logan trailed off when he spotted James emerging from the restaurant. "He's coming. I may still kill you at Thanksgiving, we'll see how the rest of the trip goes."

James opened the door and folded himself into the car again as Kendall answered. "It'll be fine, Logan. I promise."

"Is that Kendall?" James asked.

"Yes," Logan nodded, and without warning the phone was yanked out of his hand and pressed to James' ear.

"Kendall! Thank you so much for this." James paused to listen for a second, then continued, "I know, but I wanted to say it again. It means a lot to me. Yeah, I already thanked him. What?" James' gaze shot to Logan and a smirk lifted one corner of his mouth. "Yeah, I figured that out. For sure," James laughed, amused eyes still fastened to Logan's face. "I'll do my best. Talk to you later, dude. Bye."

Logan's expression went from incensed to panicked. "No, wait, don't, I wasn't-" But when Logan reached out for his phone, the call had been ended. "I didn't say goodbye to him."

"Did you really need to?"

"Well...yes. What if something happens on the road and we die and I never said goodbye?"

Perhaps surprised by the genuine fear in Logan's tone, James softened rather than mock Logan for the exaggerated worry. He squeezed Logan's shoulder and suggested, "Text him goodbye."

It wasn't the same, but Logan nodded and did just that, apologizing for not giving a proper goodbye over the phone. Once that was done, he turned his attention to James. "Did you eat already?"

"No, I'm not hungry."

"You will be soon enough. It's best to eat now."

"I'm fine," James replied, the first hint of true annoyance coming through. "You'd better pee, though, so you don't get arrested later for indecent defamation, or whatever you were ranting about earlier."

Once again forcing himself to be patient, Logan opened his door. As a precaution, he took the key from the ignition. "Go ahead and unplug my battery pack, you can use that port for your phone. Just put the pack in the console."

"Cool. Thanks."

James didn't even look at Logan, though, and Logan wondered what he'd said to annoy James so suddenly. "I'm only harping on you about food because I know you'll be hungry and I don't want you to suffer later."

"I'm fine," James repeated.

When there was nothing more, not even a glance in his direction, Logan shrugged and stepped out of the car. "I'll be back."

When he returned, James had plugged his phone into the charger and was busy scrolling through it. Logan took a quick peek into the console to make sure his pack was there, then turned the car on and buckled up. "Seatbelt," he reminded James. Once James was strapped in, they were on their way.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N-For some reason, FF didn't show that I updated this story yesterday so if you've only read Chapter 1, make sure to go back and read Chapter 2 before getting into this or it won't make sense. If you're reading this story, thank you! Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Allowing James to plug in his phone was a better idea than Logan had realized—it kept James quiet and preoccupied enough to leave Logan in peace. Other than the navigation system speaking occasionally, the car was silent for the first thirty minutes after leaving the restaurant, until James opened his mouth.

"What's wrong?"

Jumping slightly, Logan glanced over to see James staring at him with that narrowed gaze again. "What?"

"What's the matter? You're all uptight again."

"I...what are you talking about? I'm just driving."

But it was true, Logan had been lost in thoughts of his future and fears of failure as well as anxiety over new people and surroundings that were foreign to him.

"I can feel it. You're gripping the steering wheel way too tight, too. What's on your mind?"

"I don't think that's your business. It has nothing to do with you."

James shrugged as if he couldn't have cared less, then reached out suddenly to turn the radio on and flipped to a different station. The blaring rock music set Logan's teeth on edge.

"Turn that off."

"Why?"

"It distracts me."

"You can't drive while listening to music?"

"Not that kind of music."

"So...what do you like, then?"

"I like a lot of things. Just not while I'm driving."

"Logan, you can't be serious. We're not gonna spend the next twenty-four hours-"

"Actually, it's _thirty_ -four and a half now."

"Whatever. There's no way we're driving all that way without music."

" _We_ aren't driving; I am. And for that reason, I make the rules about it. If you don't like it-"

"You'll leave me by the side of the road. Right. You've only said that about a thousand times."

"I've said it twice. Almost thrice, but you didn't let me finish."

After a few seconds where James' eyebrows furrowed together, he asked, "Almost what?"

"What?"

"What did you just say? Almost..."

"Thrice. Almost thrice. It's a real word, it means three times."

"Then why don't you just say that instead?"

At a loss, Logan opened his mouth but then shut it again. Finally he snapped, "Please just turn the radio off."

"Fine."

James did, then tried, "Are you gonna flip out if I open the window?"

"If you're warm, we can turn on the air."

"I just need real air."

"It _is_ real air. It comes in through the-"

"Never mind," James interrupted, eyes rolling to the sky. "How do you live?"

"With what?"

"With yourself! I've never met someone so uptight, how do you live like that? You must be a ball of constant nerves, no wonder you can't relax."

"I relax just fine, thank you very much. I'm out of my element right now and-"

"You're in a car. Is this new for you?"

"No, but it's a new car. My mother paid for it with the money she'd saved up to send me to college. I don't want to wreck it."

Logan was really beginning to hate James' habit of studying him intently. "And driving with the windows down will make you wreck the car?"

"No, of course not. I just..."

"What?" Logan couldn't come up with an answer, so James answered it himself. "You're just too worried about every little thing that could possibly go wrong to enjoy the beauty of this experience."

"What's beautiful about it?"

"Look around you, dude. Do you see any buildings? Look up at the sky. The mountains in the distance. I admit, I'm normally not the kind of guy who enjoys being away from civilization, but this is a special occasion. We're starting our lives!"

"It's hard to look around while I'm driving," was all Logan was willing to say.

"I could drive."

"Uh, no." The mere thought of it brought chills to Logan's flesh.

"Why not? I know how."

"Because this is a new car. I thought we established that."

"Yeah, right. You wouldn't let me drive your car even if it wasn't new."

"I don't even know you," Logan reasoned. "I wouldn't let any stranger drive my car."

"Admit it, you don't trust me."

"James, will you just...you're exhausting. Just play on your phone or something. Leave me in peace."

Crossing his arms over his chest, James smirked at Logan. "You weren't in peace. You were stressing out."

"I was not! The only thing in this car that's stressing me out is you."

"Which means the stuff you're freaking out about is _out_ side the car. Why don't you just talk about it? You'll feel better."

Knowing James was right only irritated Logan more. Both his mother and Kendall were big on "talking things out," and he'd come to understand that they were onto something in that; however, James wasn't someone he could comfortably confide in. "There's nothing to talk about, James. Just drop it."

"Whatever."

Finally giving Logan what he wanted, James dismissed him and turned toward the back to reach for his jacket.

"I thought you were warm," Logan frowned.

"I never said that. I said I wanted fresh air. But that's not why I need my jacket anyway."

With repeated quick glances to the right, Logan watched James reach into a pocket and pull out a pair of ear buds.

"Is it okay if I listen to music with these, at least?"

"Of course. Why would that be a problem?"

"Because everything seems to be."

"Oh come on, you're exaggerating. I'm not that bad."

"You totally are. But if you decide you want to talk about whatever's freaking you out, I'm here. Just let me know. I'm gonna try to sleep, since I was up most of the night."

Without another word James plugged his ears with the tiny buds, cutting off Logan's next question, which would have been "Why didn't you sleep?" Logan ignored the faint feeling of hurt that washed through him, deciding this was for the best.

Finally he could have peace and quiet in which to freak out.

* * *

Approximately two hours later, Logan pulled off the highway for gas. Though the tank was only half empty, he preferred to take no chances and had scheduled gas stops every few hours.

At the freeway's exit he glanced over at James to find him still in a dead sleep. James had curled his leather jacket up into a ball and tucked it between his head and the window, and Logan had been grateful to find James wasn't a snorer.

Surprised that James hadn't stirred by the time he parked next to a gas pump, Logan shut off the ignition and reached out to gently shake James' arm. It took a more firm shake to get a reaction, James opening his eyes suddenly and jerking.

"Sorry," Logan apologized. "You okay?"

"Fine." James rubbed at his eyes before stretching. "Crazy dream. Where are we?"

"Our first gas stop. Make sure to go in and-"

"Pee, right. Got it."

James stepped out and stretched again before reaching into the car for his jacket. "It feels so good to stand up," he commented as he slipped the jacket on.

From his spot next to the pump, Logan agreed. He used his mother's gas card to pay, then watched James head toward the convenience store. "Don't take forever. We're on a schedule-which we are now behind on."

"Relax, I'm just gonna pee."

"Grab some breakfast, too!" Logan called after him. "You must be starving by now."

There was no answer as James held the door for a cute little blonde, then grinned as he followed her in. Logan rolled his eyes and muttered, "We'll be here all day with Mr. Perfect-Hair-and-Teeth chatting up girls."

Logan was lost in thought, wondering how James got his brown hair to shine like that even when not in sunlight, when the pump stopped. James returned just as Logan was setting the nozzle back in place. "That was fast."

"Doesn't take long," James replied. "You ready?"

"No, I need to go in and pee."

"Okay, hurry."

" _You're_ rushing _me_? Did you get anything to eat?"

"Don't worry about it, just go."

"Fine."

Logan waited until James was settled in the car before walking toward the store, making sure he hadn't left the keys in the ignition; they were safe in his pocket.

After using the facilities, he debated whether to buy himself a snack there or stick with the granola bars and water he'd packed for the trip. As he studied a rack of donuts and danishes, it occurred to him that James might not have any money. Didn't Kendall say he'd been scammed out of it? He also recalled his comment to Kendall about not buying food for James, but now that he'd met the guy, he felt guilty. How could he just sit there and stuff his face in front of someone who was starving and broke?

Giving a mental groan at being suckered like this, Logan picked up two packages of donuts (chocolate and powdered, he'd give James the choice) and two bottles of orange juice. If James didn't like that, there was water-or he could suffer.

In another two minutes Logan was back in the car, setting the small bag of snacks between them on the console.

"Finally," James muttered, leaving Logan to raise an eyebrow at him while reconsidering his offer of food. He was about to once again remind James about the seat belt but noted it was already in place. Strapping himself in, he thought of one of his mother's favorite sayings-will wonders never cease?

A pang of loneliness passed through him suddenly, but then he remembered promising his mom he'd call at the first stop. The prospect of hearing her voice perked him up a little, and he pulled his phone from the cradle.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling my mom. I promised her I would when we stopped."

"Dude, seriously? Put her on speaker, let's just go."

"I can't, she doesn't know you're with me."

"I'll be quiet, I promise. Just drive already! You said we're behind on your schedule, right?"

Because that was true, Logan sighed and dialed the number before putting it on speaker. "Not a peep out of you, Mr. Perfect-Hair-and-Teeth."

A sudden bright grin appeared on James' face. "Yeah? You think my hair is perfect?"

"Shh!" Logan hushed, ignoring James primping himself in the side mirror. He pulled away from the pump just as his mother answered. "Hey, Mom!"

"Hi, honey! How is it so far?"

"Good. A little behind schedule but I should be able to make up the time if there's no traffic."

"Sounds good. At your first stop?"

"Yeah, just left." Noting that James had pulled down the visor and was now practicing different expressions in the mirror, Logan rolled his eyes.

"Okay. Honey, are you sure you don't want to stop at a motel for the night? I put plenty of money in your account."

Cringing because that wasn't something Logan wanted advertised to James, he sighed. "I'll be fine. I already planned out which rest stops I'm going to use and have spaced them out in even increments. I'll just rest for an hour each time."

"That sounds so dangerous, Logan. Promise me you'll stop for the night if you need to."

"I won't need to, but okay. I promise. Starting to lose my signal again, so I'll go now. Love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, honey. And I know you've probably worked yourself into a bundle of nerves by now, but remember-you'll make friends and your teachers will love you. Let yourself meet girls for a change. There's no need to be scared."

James froze in the act of puckering his lips for the mirror, holding the expression as his head swiveled in Logan's direction.

"Okay, Mom, thanks," Logan said in a rush. "Gotta go, bye!" He ended the call quickly, face hot as he focused on the road and pretended not to notice that James was back to that narrowed, analytical gaze. Hoping to distract him, Logan offered, "There are donuts and drinks in the bag, if you want some."

"Oh, no. We're not ignoring that conversation. Is that what you're worried about? No one liking you and not making any friends? Or...meeting girls?"

"It's nothing. I'm fine. There are chocolate and powdered, take your pick."

"I've got food. Did you leave a girl behind at home?"

"I'm not comfortable discussing my personal life with a stranger."

"I'm not a stranger, you've known me for..." Lifting an arm to pull back the cuff of his jacket, James squinted while looking at a watch. "Two hours and forty minutes. That makes us friends."

"Hardly."

"Dude, come on. You'll never have to see me again after tomorrow, why not just talk about it? It's not like I'm gonna tell anybody what you said. The only person we both know is Kendall, and I'm sure that whatever it is you're worried about, he's already heard it. Am I right?"

Logan committed nothing more than a shrug.

"Exactly. So what can it hurt to open up to me and get it off your chest?"

"I don't know you."

"That's even better. Because I'm an outsider, I can see the situation objectively."

"There's no situation, James. It's just...life. It's my whole life. It's not a problem to solve or a puzzle to put together. It's my entire personality, and that's not something that can be fixed."

James studied Logan with lips pursed before replying. "Personalities shouldn't be fixed. I mean, I've met some real assholes in my time, and yeah—those could use a few adjustments. But you shouldn't be afraid to be yourself."

"I'm not."

"Why are you so nervous all the time, then?"

"It's not because of...I mean, my personality does...why are we even talking about this? Let's talk about something else."

"Sure," James smirked, amused but letting Logan off the hook for the moment. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Why don't we eat instead?"

"Fine by me, but you're not escaping this conversation. It'll be back before you know it."

James reached into the pocket of his jacket and extracted a small package of chocolate donuts identical to the one Logan had purchased. Watching him break open the wrapper, Logan offered, "There's orange juice in the bag, and if you don't like that I have water in the backpack behind my seat."

"O.J. works. Thanks, dude."

When James had eaten his way through half the pack and Logan had still not pulled his from the bag, James asked, "Aren't you gonna eat?"

"Not while I'm driving."

"Why not?"

"Two hands on the wheel at all times, James. Do you even know how to drive?"

"I do. Shelly taught me. And I know that it's okay to drive with one hand. Just eat."

"I can't even open the package with one hand."

"Why didn't you do that back at the gas station?"

"You were rushing me, remember? And then I had to call Mom, and I forgot."

With a roll of his eyes, James reached into the bag. "Chocolate or powdered?"

"I prefer chocolate."

"Well, at least you have good taste. Though the white ones are tasty, too, I guess." He gently broke open the package and held a donut up to Logan's mouth.

"You don't have to feed me," Logan complained.

"Ah ah ah, can't have you taking a hand off the wheel, right?" With a grin, James shoved the donut into Logan's lips, forcing him to open his mouth. Logan almost choked at the intrusion, but managed to chew it down to a manageable size. He was about to reach for the orange juice when James lifted his own half-consumed bottle.

"Uh uh." Logan shook his head, attempting to swallow the chewed-up mess.

"Just drink it."

After finally getting the food down but annoyed that it was still stuck in his throat, Logan stated, "I don't share drinks with anyone."

"What, are you afraid of my cooties?" James teased.

"I'm afraid of everyone's cooties. Germs are a real thing, you know."

"Give me a break. I was just trying to be nice."

"I appreciate that, but—what are you doing?"

James was now shaking the unopened bottle. "You'll drink out of this one, right?"

"Not while I'm driving. I told you, I can't-"

"Oh my god, I'm gonna help you. Stop whining."

"No, because you'll just end up spilling it down my chin or something. We're in a moving vehicle, it's hard to-"

"I'll hold my arm steady. You are so ridiculous."

"I'm just-"

"Ridiculous," James finished, then twisted the cap off and tilted the bottle against Logan's lips so that he was forced to either drink or let it dribble down his face. After he'd swallowed a few sips, James lowered the bottle. "There, you survived. And look! No mess. Trust me once in awhile."

Logan had to admit that he was able to swallow more easily now, but he wasn't about to say that out loud. "Thanks," he uttered grudgingly.

"Anytime!" James grinned. After popping another donut into his own mouth, he suggested, "Now why don't we talk about your social anxiety issues."

"Why don't you try talking without a mouth full of food?"

"Did you understand me?" James asked after swallowing.

"What?"

"Did you have a problem understanding what I said?"

"No."

"And did I spray food everywhere?"

"Not that I know of, my eyes are on the road."

"Well, the answer to both questions is no. So what's the problem with me talking with my mouth full? It's not like you had to see me do it."

"It's still rude."

"You're avoiding the issue."

"I'm not discussing my personal life with you. Eat another donut. Wait, on second thought, that's not going to make a difference because you'll just keep talking anyway."

After shoving a fifth donut into his mouth, James nodded. "Damn right." He washed down the bite with more juice. "Ever had a girlfriend?"

"Not your business." Logan automatically opened his mouth for the donut that appeared before it.

"I'm gonna guess no, because of the way your mom was talking. What's the problem?"

"There isn't one."

"Oops, did you just talk with food in your mouth?" James teased, delighted at the prospect.

"Shut up. Juice me."

Still grinning, James complied with a sparkle in his eyes. Once Logan had swallowed, he gasped. "Oh no! I gave you the wrong one, you just drank out of my bottle!"

"What?!" Logan raged, eyes panicked. "What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you be so-"

"I'm just playing," James laughed. "But your face...man, that was the best. Is that the first time you've ever cussed?"

"What? You..." James' laughter only incensed him further. "Why would you do that?"

"Because it was funny. And I'm trying to show you that it's not a big deal."

"It _is_ a big deal, you could be carrying a virus that you don't even know about yet! What if you're coming down with a cold, and now _I_ get it, and I'm sick my first week of college? What were you thinking?"

"Calm down, I didn't even do it. I swear, that was your bottle. Mine is...oh. Shit."

"What?" Logan groaned, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"I drank out of yours, though. It was an honest mistake, I had yours in my hand and drank from it."

"And then let me drink again?!"

"I'm sorry, I swear I didn't mean to!"

"If I get sick, I'll-"

"I have auditions! You'd better not get me sick!"

"See? Now it's not so funny, is it?" Logan smirked. "Don't even think about trying to make me drink from either of those bottles."

"You can't eat donuts dry."

"I've got water in the back. Will you grab some for me?"

"You already have my germs now, what difference does it make?" But James busied himself reaching behind Logan's seat to pull out the pack, then worked it open. "This thing is stuffed."

"You can never be too prepared. Just grab a water, please."

Once James did, Logan snatched it from him.

"Are you driving one-handed?"

"Just for a second. I don't trust you, so I'm going to risk it."

After zipping the pack closed and replacing it according to Logan's specific instructions ("Make sure you shove it down tight so it doesn't bounce around!"), James reclaimed possession of the water bottle.

"Don't even-"

"I'm just opening it for you. Relax, Mr. Uptight-and-Cranky."

"I am not cranky."

"Hey, you made up a nickname for me, I get to make one up for you. Though I have to admit, I like my name. You really like my hair?"

"I didn't say I liked it, I said it was perfect. As in, perfectly styled and in place."

"It's not styled. I rolled out of bed like this."

"Liar. I smelled some kind of product as soon as I set foot in the car with you."

"Oh, that's my shampoo! Do you like it?" James beamed, carding a few fingers through his chin-length tresses. "I pay enough for it, so it's nice to know it does the job. Does it make my hair shiny like it's supposed to?"

Using the water as an excuse to put off replying, Logan grabbed the open bottle from James and took a few swigs. Once James had closed it again, Logan snatched it and set it between his legs. He sighed when he sensed that James was still waiting for an answer. "Yes. I noticed that earlier."

"Did you? Awesome. I just hope the casting directors notice it as well."

The visor came down and James was back to primping again. Shaking his head, Logan reached across the console for his pack of donuts and placed that in his lap, too. He supposed it couldn't kill them if he drove one-handed for a few miles, though he ate faster than normal to be safe.

"See?" James said suddenly, attention still on his hair and face.

"See what?"

"You're driving with one hand and we're not dead."

"It could still happen at any moment."

"It could happen even with both hands on the wheel. Isn't that what you said earlier? It doesn't matter how safe of a driver you are, other drivers are unpredictable."

Hating to admit that James was right, Logan nodded. "I suppose. But it's still a good idea to be cautious. What are you...you carry a comb?"

"Never leave home without it." Using the small black plastic tool he'd slid from a pocket of his jeans, James parted his hair on the left. "What do you think of it this way? I was actually wondering if I should cut it to look more sophisticated. My agent told me I'd have more luck getting parts if I looked young, but I don't know. I kind of want to be taken more seriously than kid parts, you know?"

"I...honestly don't know enough about the industry to give you sound advice about your career."

"That's fair enough, I guess," James sighed. "But you don't have to be anyone special to tell me how I'd look best. What do you think? Do you like the long hair?"

"I've barely looked at you, James."

"You looked at me enough to notice the shine in my hair, Logan," James pointed out smugly. "Don't act like you haven't been checking me out."

"Checking you—what?! You're completely insane, you know that?"

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm hot. It's totally natural."

"I have not been—you are so full of yourself! Kendall told me that, but I had no idea it was-"

"Kendall said that?"

"Yes. He says you're an okay guy, just a little full of yourself. And I can see why he would say that."

"Look, I have to care about my appearance. My career depends on it. You've got your tools, I've got mine. My hair is like...a scalpel."

Logan opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. "Okay, I need to hear this." He reached down for another donut before urging, "Please, explain to me your logic."

"You want to be a doctor, right?"

"How do you know that?"

"Kendall told me. He said you're going to L.A. to study medicine."

"True enough," Logan agreed. "Go on."

"So if you're doing surgery, what's the most important tool?"

"I don't know that there is just one, James. They all work together."

"Exactly! My tools are hair, face, body, style...even how I walk. If you don't have the whole package, you won't be successful. And if you're missing one of your tools during surgery, you're kind of fucked, right?"

"I suppose that's one way to put it."

"But the scalpel...that's what does all the work, gets you started, right?"

"Well, there are other things to worry about beforehand, like anesthetic and-"

"But you see my point. The scalpel does the cutting to get you in the door, so to speak. Or in the body, in your case."

"I...okay. Yeah, I guess."

"That's what hair does for me. It gets me in the door. While most casting directors say the eyes are what does it for them, hair is the second-most important quality. I can't do anything about my eyes, I'm stuck with them. Damn good thing mine are amazing, right?"

"Once again, I haven't studied them long enough to-"

"What color are my eyes?"

"They're kind of...brownish, but I see green as well. So I guess technically, hazel would be the correct term."

"But you haven't studied my eyes," James smirked. "See, I've learned that much about you, Logan. Not much gets past you. You're an observant kind of guy."

"I am," Logan nodded. "So you're saying that since you can't do anything about your eyes, you have to focus on the next tool, which is...hair?"

"Exactly. Hair can make or break you in Hollywood. I've got mine in great shape, I just need to decide on the cut and style. If I want to go for more mature roles, I can't go in looking like a kid."

"But you are a kid. We both are."

"Acting is all about becoming someone else, though. So the question is...who do I want to be?"

Logan attempted to unscrew the cap from the water bottle, not arguing when James came to his rescue. "Thanks. And that's something only you can answer."

"Yeah. That's what this whole move is about, starting over and figuring out who I want to be. You should do the same, you know. If you're unhappy with who you are, change it."

"I'm not unhappy."

"You're just uptight all the time."

"It's not always a bad thing."

"Gonna give yourself a heart attack before you're thirty. You're the doctor, you know that better than I do."

Logan licked his lips before swallowing more water, remaining silent because Kendall had told him the same thing numerous times. What bothered him most about it was that he knew they were right, but he didn't know how to stop it.

"Oh shit," James suddenly hissed, eyes widening as he looked into the visor's mirror.

"What's wrong, find a pimple?"

"Shit, Logan. Shit!"

"What?" Logan understood what James was referring to when red and blue lights suddenly flashed from three cars behind them. "Oh no. They know I've been driving with one hand! Shit!"

"Shut up, this isn't about you. Fuck! I thought I was clear!"

"Thought you were...James, what are you talking about? What did you do?"

"Fuck," James muttered again, panic written on his face. "I can't go to jail, not now, not when I'm so close! No! It's not fair!"

"James, what the hell did you do?!"

The cars behind them were pulling over to allow the cruiser to pass.

"I'm sorry, Logan, I didn't mean to—I just didn't know what else to do, I-"

" _What did you do?!"_

"I stole the donuts, I was starving and I didn't know you were gonna-"

"You stole the—what the hell is wrong with you?!" Logan screamed, panic setting in as the cruiser closed the distance. "I can't believe you're so stupid, why didn't you just ask?!"

"I'm sorry! You were so irritated with me already and—what are you doing?"

"Pulling over!"

"No, you can't!"

"I have to! I'm not going to jail for you!"

"No, Logan, wait, just-"

"No! That's it, this is..." Terror rose up into Logan's throat as the police car neared them. Should he shut the car off? Wait until they told him to? He'd never been pulled over, he didn't know how to react. The panic closed his chest so that he could hardly breathe, his head growing dizzy as he turned the car off.

And then, miraculously, the cruiser flew past them to chase down a speeder in the distance.

"Oh my god," James gasped. "Oh my god! It wasn't even us!" he laughed, relief making him giddy. "I was so scared! That was crazy!"

Logan bent forward to rest his head on the wheel, gulping down deep breaths and closing his eyes in an attempt to clear his head.

"I can't believe that, I really thought—whoa. Dude, you okay?" There was no answer, James resting a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Logan?"

It was another minute before Logan could speak. "The next city we get to, you're out."

"I'm...no, come on, Logan." The hand dropped away. "Don't do that."

"I'm not chauffeuring a criminal across the country."

"I'm not a criminal! It was a pack of donuts!"

"It was theft! A crime! And that makes you a criminal by definition. How could you do this to me? I'm doing you a favor by driving you all the way to California because I felt bad for you, and you repay me like this? You steal from a convenience store?"

"I was hungry," James replied in a small voice.

"Then ask me for food! Don't-"

"Kendall told me you weren't gonna buy me anything, that it was your rule. How was I supposed to know you would suddenly change your mind and be nice?"

He _had_ said that to Kendall. Angry because he couldn't fault James' logic, Logan nevertheless said, "Because I'm a decent person. I wouldn't have let you starve."

"You hate me. Why would I think you'd care if I live or die?"

"I'm not heartless, James. I just...I'm..."

"I know. The donuts surprised me, and I realized I'd misjudged you. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I stole, I just...I was desperate."

"Were you going to continue doing that the entire trip?"

James bit his lip, looking away.

"You were. Oh my god."

"If I had to. Look, I know it's too late to change what I did, and if you really want to dump me at the next stop...I guess I can't blame you. But I'm broke and I don't know how I'll get the rest of the way and-"

"We're not that far from home. You can catch a bus back."

"No. I'm not going back. I'll starve on the streets of some random city before I go back there."

"Look, I'm willing to pay for a ticket to get you back home. It's either that or-"

"Then just leave me here right now. I'm not going back. You can't make me."

The vehemence in James' voice caused Logan to study him closer. "What was so bad at home?"

"You don't talk about your personal life, I don't talk about mine."

Knowing he'd hit a sensitive spot, Logan was intrigued. "I'll talk about mine if you'll talk about yours."

James raised an eyebrow, arms crossed over his chest. "Does that mean you're not kicking me out?"

"I should. I'd be an idiot to continue driving you. How do I know you're not going to pull another stunt like that?"

"I won't do it again. I swear. And I promise I'll eat cheap, if you could just help me until we get there. Give me your address and I'll pay you back when I make some money. I'll even give you money for all the gas you're using, just...please. Get me there. Once I'm there, I'll be fine."

Seeing that James genuinely believed that, Logan replied gently, "You know it isn't going to happen overnight, James. Nobody shows up and catches a break right away."

" _I_ will. I'm gonna do this. I've got the looks and I know how to succeed. It's gonna happen."

The final stages of his panic attack dying away, Logan laid his head on the steering wheel again to consider the situation. Was he really going to leave someone stranded in an unknown city with no money? Even someone who'd potentially set him up for aiding and abetting in a crime?

"Hey," James said softly, daring to rest a soothing hand on Logan's back. "Are you okay? You were really freaked out."

"Of course I was," Logan mumbled, not caring that James could probably barely understand him. "I almost went to jail."

"They wouldn't have taken you in. Just me. I was the one stealing."

"And I was the one driving the getaway car. Did that not even occur to you?"

When there was no immediate answer, Logan shifted his head so that he was resting on his cheek to study James, whose shocked expression showed that no, it hadn't occurred to him at all. "You never even considered that, did you?"

"No. I was willing to risk it for me, but I never...damn. Logan. I'm really sorry. I never meant to cause you any problems."

Realizing what he had to do, Logan sighed deeply and turned the car on before pulling back onto the road to reverse their direction.

"What...where are you going?"

"We have to pay for the donuts, James. I'm not going to live the rest of my life in fear that one day a cop will bust me for it."

"Dude...no. I got away, I swear nobody saw me. I made sure."

"That doesn't change the fact that you stole and you need to make it right."

"But then they'll know! They'll arrest me! Logan, you can't, we can't do this, we can't-"

"We're doing it. You have to make this right."

"Look, I'll never steal again, okay? I swear to you right now, just get me to Hollywood and-"

"I'll get you there. We're just...going to be a lot later than I'd planned, apparently. Because my itinerary is pretty much out the window at this point, other than the timing of the rest stops."

"Logan, please! Don't do this, I can't take the chance! I got away with it, why would you make me turn myself in?"

"Because you have to face the consequences, James. And it's not like I'm going to march in there and tell them you shoplifted. I'll tell them it was an honest mistake, that you thought I'd paid for them or something."

"You'll lie for me?" James asked in surprise.

"This one time, yes. I don't normally like to lie, but..." Logan shrugged. "I don't see what else there is to do."

For the remainder of the drive back to the gas station, the only words from James' mouth were, "I'm sorry." It was spoken softly and after a long period of what Logan sensed was James reflecting on the situation so that when he spoke, he truly meant it.

"I know you are," Logan replied. "Just try to think things through before acting on them. Don't be impulsive. That's what gets you in trouble."

Though Logan sensed that James believed sometimes impulse was essential (he ignored that Kendall believed that as well), James held his silence until the car had pulled to a stop in front of the convenience store.

"Do I have to go in with you?" The terror was real.

"No. I think they'll know immediately that you meant to do it, because you can't hide anything."

"I hid what I did from you, didn't I?"

"That doesn't count."

"It totally counts! If I can slip something past Mr. Observant, I can-"

"I thought I was Mr. Uptight-and-Cranky."

"That, too. But my point is that I got it past you."

"I wasn't inside watching you. Had I been, I would have seen you do it."

"Nope. I'm that good at it."

Understanding that it wasn't the first time James had done it, Logan frowned. "Are you a klepto?"

"Uh...no. I'm a Scorpio. Why?"

"No. A klepto is someone who steals because they can't help themselves. Like an addiction."

"Oh! Well, no. I only do it when I have to. When I'm desperate."

"James, listen to me." Logan unbuckled his safety belt and turned in the seat, waiting until he had James' attention before continuing. "What you do outside of this trip is not my concern. Live a life of thievery if you must, but as long as you're in my car and under my care, there is no need to steal anything. Or commit any other crime."

"I won't do it again, I told you-"

"I'm just making sure you understand that there's no need when you're with me. I'll make sure you eat, okay?"

James held Logan's gaze, searching, before he lowered his eyes. "Why?"

"Because I'm a decent person. Also because I don't want to go to jail."

As Logan had hoped, a tiny smile widened James' lips slightly. "You won't. I won't do it again. I swear, Logan."

"I believe you." Logan opened his car door and set one foot on the ground. "Just don't make me regret that."

"I won't. Promise."

After nodding, Logan stepped out and headed into the store. It was more nerve-wracking for him than he'd let on to James, as there was a small part of him that worried the store clerk wouldn't believe the story and want to arrest him instead, but the man seemed to genuinely buy it and even joked that it happened occasionally. Logan paid for the donuts and thanked the man for being understanding before turning toward the exit and reaching into his pocket for the car keys.

His hand found nothing and panic flooded him at the realization he'd left the keys in the ignition.

Rushing to the entrance, his breath caught at the sight of his new car parked exactly where he'd left it, James' head of dark hair bent as he looked at something on his phone. Letting out the breath he'd been holding, Logan chastised himself for assuming James would steal the car.

Desperation led people to do crazy things, though.

He stepped up to James' side of the car and rapped on the window, startling James. When James attempted to roll down the window but found he couldn't, Logan pointed to the keys. It took James a second to get the idea, and then he turned the ignition enough to activate the power and roll his window down. "Am I going to jail?" he asked, Logan hearing the fear behind the words.

"Not this time. Come on in."

"Why?"

"Stop being so suspicious, I thought you might want more food. How long has it been since you've eaten?"

"I just had donuts, remember?"

"I meant before that."

"Oh. Dinner last night. Around six maybe? No, eight."

"So I'm sure that tiny pack of donuts didn't fill you up."

James only shrugged, again not meeting Logan's eyes.

"Come on. And grab the keys, I don't want to spend more time here than we already have."

Logan waited to make sure James did just that, and after rolling up the window and shutting the power down James followed him back into the store.

"Just enough to get you through until lunch, okay? We're stopping in a few more hours for that."

"Cool. Thanks, Logan."

Five minutes later James was happily munching away on cheese puffs, a wrapped sandwich and a candy bar resting on his lap while Logan drove just under the speed limit toward the highway.

"Better?" Logan asked.

"Perfect. Thanks, buddy."

While Logan didn't feel they were anywhere near buddies, he let the endearment stand. It was certainly better than "Mr. Uptight-and-Cranky."


	4. Chapter 4

The ride went well (which in Logan's mind equaled silent) until James had devoured all of his food. He dutifully stowed his trash away in the empty plastic bag Logan had tucked under a seat for that specific purpose, then tilted the seat back further for what Logan hoped would be a nap. Instead, James reached for his phone and tapped at it for about a minute before groaning in frustration.

"What's wrong?"

"I have no service out here! This sucks!"

"Did you expect to?"

"I don't know, I didn't think much about it. How long until we're at the next town?"

"Twenty miles, but we're not stopping there. We're driving through until Montevideo."

"Is that still in Minnesota?"

"Yes."

"How much further?"

"A little over two hours."

That brought another groan from James. "This is bullshit. I hate technology."

"I think you mean that you hate a _lack of_ technology."

"Same difference." Tossing his phone down into the cupholder, James sighed deeply as if being denied his favorite toy. "Now what am I supposed to do? I'm so bored, and you won't even let me turn on the radio."

"I doubt we'd get a signal out here anyway."

"So? I have music on my phone. Do you have an aux cord?"

After hesitating, Logan finally answered, "Maybe."

"So can we listen to music?"

"No."

"Fine." James crossed his arms over his chest and sighed again, then glanced across at Logan. "If you won't play any music, let's talk."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes, because I'll go crazy if we don't. Tell me why you've never had a girlfriend."

"That's too personal. Let's talk about you instead."

"No way, you said you'd talk about your life."

"If you talk about yours. That was the deal."

"Right. So you go first."

Cautiously, Logan asked, "What do you want to know?"

"I just told you. Why haven't you had a girlfriend?"

"Never wanted one. Your turn. How many girlfriends have you had?"

"Uh..." James pursed his lips as he thought about it, and after three seconds of silence Logan interrupted.

"Never mind, I get the idea. If you had to think that hard, it's obviously a lot."

"It's not that, I was trying to figure out if you could really call them girlfriends."

"What else would they be?"

"Hook-ups? Just girls to make out with for the night at a party or something? Or like...if Shelly went on a date and didn't want to go alone, she'd make me ask a girl out and double with her. But to me, that's not a girlfriend. It's more of a...what's the word?"

"Convenience?"

"Yeah, I guess. Why are you judging me for it?"

"I didn't even say anything," Logan argued.

"I heard it in your voice, you don't approve. What's wrong with convenience?"

"Nothing. It's just not the way I'd treat a girl."

"You act like I abused them or something," James complained. "They didn't mind it."

"No? So none of them wanted a second date?"

"I don't know, maybe. But I didn't want anything serious, so it never happened."

"At all?"

"Nope."

"So then the answer to my question," Logan mused, "if you don't consider them girlfriends, is zero. _You've_ never had a girlfriend, either."

"Not technically, I suppose. If that's how you mean it. I thought you were just asking about girls I've been with."

"I was, but in my mind there isn't a difference. Did you ever fall in love with a girl you couldn't have?"

"Ah ah ah, my turn to ask a question."

"Oh, is that how we're doing this?"

"Sure, we'll make it a game. Like truth or dare, only without the dare. Unless you want to do dares?"

"Absolutely not," Logan answered immediately. "I refuse to play that game for a reason."

"Really? What reason?"

"Because I'm not stupid. I'm not putting myself in an embarrassing position."

"It's just me, what harm can we do in a moving car?"

Logan directed an accusatory glance at James before turning his eyes to the road again. "Oh, I'm sure there's plenty of damage you can find to do. And I'm not taking that chance, especially with you."

"What does that mean? What's wrong with me?"

"You're not the most upstanding citizen, James. You already almost got me arrested."

An eye roll preceded James' reply. "You're overreacting about that. I admit it was stupid, and I promise I won't do it again, but nothing happened. Nobody got in trouble."

"That doesn't lessen the severity of it. It was a very big deal."

"Only if we'd been caught. Which we weren't."

"You mean _you_. Don't make me a party to this."

"I don't even know what that means, but whatever. Whose turn was it to ask a question?"

Knowing it had been James' turn, Logan suggested, "We could just play I Spy instead."

"What's that?"

"A game where one of us sees something and the other person has to guess what it is. By color."

"That sounds lame."

"Okay. Twenty Questions?"

"That might be more exciting. How does it work?"

"Have you never been on a road trip before?"

"Not unless you count field trips at school."

"Really? You've never traveled?"

"Not in a car."

"No wonder you're so excited to be doing this. Okay, you think of something and I have twenty questions to figure out what it is."

"That's dumb. There's no way in hell you could figure out what I'm thinking of in twenty questions."

"I'm kind of a genius, James. There's no way in hell I _wouldn't_ figure it out."

"Oh, you're on. Let me think of something."

Relieved that he'd steered James away from asking personal questions, Logan nodded.

James lifted his seat until he was upright again, or at least closer to it, as he thought it over. "Okay, got it. Go."

"Alright. Is it a person?"

"Nope. Question two."

"Is it an object?"

"No. Can you only ask yes or no questions?"

"Yes. I forgot to mention that, it's part of the rules."

"Really? Yeah, there's no way you'll get this then," James chuckled. "So...what question are we on?"

"That was two. So...is it an idea?"

James considered that. "I...hmm. Not really. I mean, you can get the idea to do it, but it's more than that."

"So it's an act," Logan grinned. "Something you can do."

"Damn, I gave that away. Question...three?"

"Four. And because it's you, I'm going to ask if it's sex."

"Why would you think I'd be thinking of sex?"

"Seems like something you'd come up with."

"Well, Mr. Judgmental, it is not sex. So take _that._ "

"Oh, another nickname. Why are mine always derogatory?"

"One more word I don't understand. Number five. Go."

"Four," Logan argued.

"No, you just asked if it was sex. That's number four."

"That wasn't a question, it was a guess."

"What are you talking about?"

"If I ask a question about it, that's what it is. If I'm actually taking a guess, that's different and doesn't count as a question."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not, James, I promise. It's in the rules."

"Which you're also making up as we go along," James muttered. "Fine, go on."

"Okay...is it stealing?"

"Wow, really, Logan? I said I was sorry. Can we just let that go?"

"Hey, I have to take into account the person thinking of the thing. So the answer is no?"

"Yes, Logan. The answer is no. You've already wasted four questions."

"Three, I'm still guessing. And they weren't wasted, I've narrowed down a lot. Is it something that can get you in trouble?"

James suddenly cracked up, startling Logan. "What? Why is that funny?"

"Because it got me in trouble once. Had a black eye for a week."

"Oh," Logan said knowingly. "But it's something that doesn't necessarily get you in trouble? Just...if you do it in a certain way?"

"Yes. And that counts as a question, so you're down four."

"Okay, let me think," Logan replied. "Something you've done and it got you in trouble. Is it something you enjoyed?"

"Most of the time. Sometimes it sucked."

"Is it something you'd do again?"

"With the right person, absolutely. That's six questions, you're slacking."

"Doesn't matter, I already know the answer."

"Ha! You're such a liar! You think you're so-"

"It's a kiss."

James' jaw dropped. "That's not fair! How the fuck did you figure that out from asking me six questions?"

"I told you, I'm a genius. But honestly, your comments gave it away."

"It could've been anything! Grabbing a boob or making fun of someone or-"

"But you've got girls on the brain, James. And yes, it could've been grabbing a boob, as you so delicately put it; that was my next guess. Six questions," Logan added smugly. "That might be a new record."

"Oh, it is so my turn. And no cheating this time!"

"I didn't cheat. Besides, there's no way I can cheat on this, I'm just thinking of something."

"Yeah, but you can't think of something crazy like thermonuclear dynamics or like...a Jedi force field."

Raising one eyebrow, Logan commented, "I'm impressed you know the term thermonuclear dynamics."

"Heard it in a movie. Don't ask me what it means, because I couldn't tell you."

"Okay," Logan chuckled. "Give me a second of silence to think of something."

"Nothing hard! It has to be something I know."

"Relax, I won't make it hard. How about..." Logan bit his lip while changing lanes to pass a slow-moving car, trying to think of something that would stump James but not so much he could be accused of cheating. "Okay, got it. Go."

"Alright, this is gonna be good." James actually rubbed his hands together in excitement, making Logan glad he'd suggested the game. "Is it a person?"

"Technically, no."

"What? It either is or isn't."

"It's...not a human, we'll put it that way."

"What is it, an animal then?"

"No, and that was question two."

"Bullshit! That was clarification of question one!"

"Nope, you specifically asked if it's an animal. That counts as a question."

"Oh, you are such a cheater."

"I am not!" Logan laughed. "You asked if it was a person and if it was an animal. Clearly two questions."

"Fine. I still have eighteen to go. So it's...aha! I'm so good! I got this in two questions!"

"Doubt it, but go ahead and guess."

"It's a robot!" James shouted triumphantly.

Logan made a buzzer sound. "Not a bad guess, though, based on my comments. Go on."

"Damn, really? I thought I was onto something. So it's...kind of a person but not a human?"

"I never said that." It made Logan nervous how close to the truth that was, though. Maybe James was better at this than Logan realized. Or maybe he'd chosen an easy object. "And that's question three."

"No. No way, dude. _That_ was clarification."

Logan debated before nodding. "Okay, I'll give you that. So you're down two."

"Okay. Um...is it a statue? Wait, do my guesses count as questions?"

"They do not. Next question?"

"Oh. Right. So...is it made out of plastic?"

"No. At least...you know, part of it might be. I'm not too sure about that, to be honest. So maybe a piece of it is."

"Ooo, I'm getting closer," James grinned, voice full of glee. "So it's a blow-up doll?"

"What the..." Shaking his head, Logan said, "No, James, it's not a blow-up doll. Where do you get this stuff? Wait, do you _have_ a blow-up doll?"

"I'll ask the questions around here, thank you very much. But no, I don't. Sometimes I wish I did."

Logan barely stifled a laugh. "I shouldn't be surprised."

"Hey, a guy gets lonely. So how many questions have I asked?"

"It's hard to keep it straight, because of all your guesses and _clarifications,_ " Logan teased. "But I think three."

"Hot damn, I still have seventeen to go. Let me think about this. It's not a human but you didn't actually say no to that question. So _kind of_ human. And part of it's made of plastic."

"Not for certain. I'm not positive about that."

"Okay. And it's not a statue."

Logan hadn't technically answered that question, but he wasn't going to remind James of that.

"Oh! Is it a painting?"

"All you're doing is guessing now, James. You would do better to ask me actual questions about the object."

"Would I? I just got you to tell me it's an object without even asking a question, Logan. Who's the genius here?"

Opening his mouth to argue, Logan realized James was right. "You're sneaky. And you accuse _me_ of cheating?"

"Not cheating, buddy. So it's an object, partially plastic—maybe-and it's human-like. But you never told me, is it a painting?"

"No."

"So. Three questions in. Is it...wait, if it's only partially plastic, that means it has to be made of something else, too."

"Good deduction, James. Once again, I'm impressed."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No! I'm honestly impressed. You have the ability to think logically. That's a good thing."

"Okay, good." James slid his arms behind his head, Logan remaining quiet to let him think. "What's the rest made of?"

"Not a yes-or-no question."

"Oh, right. Is it also made of...metal?"

"Yes."

"But it's not a robot? You're sure?"

"Positive."

James' eyes narrowed as he concentrated. "Person, metal, plastic...is it big or small?"

"Yes or no, James, what part of that don't you get?"

"Fine, is it small?"

"In comparison to what?"

"Come on, now you're cheating again!"

"I am not, it's a legitimate question. Size is relative."

James let out a frustrated sigh. "Fine, compared to a human, is it small?"

"Yes."

"What is that, five questions?"

"Yes."

"Okay, awesome. So..."

As James put the pieces together, Logan grew nervous again. There was no way James could beat his record. Not _James_. James wasn't even smart, not in the sense Logan was.

"Small person, metal, plastic," James muttered. "Oh my god! It's an Academy Award! An Oscar!"

Logan shook his head. "You cheated."

"Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!" James enunciated each word, not as laughter but an interjection as he poked Logan. "I beat you! I beat the genius!" Then he began to sing the words. "I beat the genius, I beat the genius..."

"It's only because I purposely tried to make it easy for you by choosing an object you'd be familiar with."

"So what? Like you're not familiar with a kiss?"

Logan glanced into the rear view and side mirrors before making a lane change, effectively ignoring the question.

"Oh my god. Logan. You've never been kissed?"

"We're not talking about my personal life right now, we're playing a game."

"Don't give me that crap. How have you never been kissed? What are you, nineteen?"

"Eighteen."

"How in the hell have you never kissed anyone?"

"I told you I've never had a girlfriend."

"So? Kiss a girl. You don't have to date a girl to kiss her."

" _I_ do. I don't hook up with random people, that's your thing."

"What's the harm?"

"James...can we just stop talking about kissing? Or girls?"

"Fine, let's talk about boys."

"Boys?"

"Yeah. You and Kendall seem pretty close, why haven't you kissed him?"

"Kendall?!" The words that came out of James' mouth made Logan's head spin sometimes. "Why would I kiss Kendall? Neither of us is gay."

"So? Experiment a little. I bet he's kissed a guy."

"He has not. I'd know if he did."

"Not if he didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"What?"

"Well, he's your best friend, right? So if he was gonna kiss a guy, wouldn't it be you?"

"I don't know. Why are we even talking about this?"

"Because it makes sense."

"Do you kiss _your_ best friend?"

"I have, that's how we met. We kissed at a party when we were thirteen."

"Thirteen? Isn't that a little young?"

"We were ready. And we even went on two dates but then we both got the hots for a high school boy, so she tried to date him instead."

"At thirteen she was dating high school boys?"

"Well, he was only fourteen, so...not really that much older. But we ended up best friends over it, because we were trying so hard to outdo each other and impress him. I won, naturally."

"Won...wait, what?" Logan's brain was in a fog trying to keep up. "You won...the _guy_? Are you saying you tried to date a guy?"

"Yeah. But once I had him, I discovered he was boring. So we never really dated, just made out a few times. He knew how to kiss, though. Taught me a lot."

All Logan could do was blink rapidly, mind trying to grasp everything that James was divulging.

"Oh, no. Don't tell me you're homophobic."

"What?" Logan spluttered.

"Am I gonna have to deck you?"

"I don't...no."

"You don't know? Are you serious?"

"Wait, no, I didn't mean _know_. I meant _no_."

"Dude, you are seriously not making any sense."

"Shut up for five seconds to let me think!" Logan yelled. "Just...give me a minute."

"Okay. But if you have a problem with-"

"I don't. I just...I didn't know. So are you gay?"

"I'm bi. Doesn't really matter what sex a person is; if they're attractive, why not go for it?"

"I have a hard enough time dealing with one sex. I wouldn't even want to think about _guys_ in a romantic sense."

"Guys are actually easier, Logan. You don't spend all your time trying to figure out what they want, because you kind of already know. You can just tell, because you're a guy."

"So...wow. You've made out with girls _and_ guys?"

"Yep. Does that bother you?"

"Not really, I'm just kind of...how do you do it?"

"Which part, exactly? The sex? Because everything else is the same."

"No!" Logan exclaimed. "No, please don't give me details. I just wondered how you...how is it so easy for you to just..." Searching for the right words that wouldn't make him sound completely pathetic, he failed. "How do you talk to people?"

"About what?"

"Anything. I can't even strike up a conversation with a stranger without freaking out," he admitted. "Being around someone I don't know makes me so uncomfortable that I can hardly breathe. I can face anything except...people."

"Really?" James asked, and there wasn't a hint of judgment in his tone. "So you can sit in a classroom and take the hardest test, or figure out how to build a spaceship, but saying hi to a stranger makes you want to pee your pants?"

"I...yeah. Basically. Please don't make fun of me."

"I'm not, I can see that you're already sweating just talking about it. Wow, dude. How did you end up with Kendall?"

"He felt sorry for me," Logan admitted. "I moved to Minnesota in fifth grade and sat at my desk for a week without talking to anyone. The kids started making fun of me and he made them stop, kept annoying me until I finally talked to him. He wouldn't give up. He just...wouldn't leave me alone. Literally never left my side even though I was too afraid to say anything." Shocked to feel tears crowding his eyes, Logan tried to focus through blurred vision until he finally had to pull over at the side of the road. "Fuck! This is so stupid."

James reached into the console to pull out a tissue from the travel box he'd spotted there earlier. "Dude, it's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry."

Logan angrily snatched the tissue from James and wiped at his eyes, which were now leaking steady tears. "I'm so pathetic. What am I crying about? I never cry."

"You've been holding it in and couldn't do it anymore. That's how it happens. But you were fine until I mentioned Kendall. I mean, you were nervous, but Kendall's what set you off. Are you in love with him?"

"No," Logan answered, shifting the car into park. "It's not like that, it's...dumb. It's so dumb."

"It's not dumb if you're feeling it. My acting coach told us that, that emotions are the most powerful tools we have. It's what helps us become someone else easily, being able to feel what the character is in order to make it real. I've cried a ton of times in class and on stage, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Yeah, but you were _supposed_ to be crying. It wasn't you, it was a character."

"You think I don't cry as myself?" James made a sarcastic noise. "You don't know how many times I've prayed that I could just stop feeling. It's why I got into acting, because I can channel those feelings into something else without being laughed at or feeling stupid. I can be emotional and it's a good thing."

"We need to keep going." Logan cleared his throat and tossed the tissue into the trash bag before putting the car in motion again.

"No, I think we should talk. You need to talk, Logan."

"I'd rather not. This isn't the time to get emotional."

"It's the perfect time to get emotional. Just you and me out here, and I swear to you that nothing you tell me will leave this car. You can get it all off your chest before we get to Los Angeles. Make a fresh start and leave all the fear behind."

"Not going to happen."

"Look, why don't we stop at the next town and get some food? An actual restaurant, we can sit and talk."

"Didn't you just eat?"

"We'll find a diner and get coffee, then. Just...Logan, come on. You need to talk about this."

"I'd rather not stop ahead of schedule."

James studied Logan's profile, which gave away nothing, and sighed heavily; Logan wasn't going to budge. "How long did it take Kendall to make you talk?"

"What?"

"In fifth grade. How long did he stay at your side and keep trying before you caved?"

"I don't remember."

"You're lying. Just tell me."

"A week."

"And it was because he stayed at your side that long without budging that you finally gave in, didn't you? Because he'd proved that no matter what, he wasn't going anywhere."

"Not exactly. I mean...to a degree, yes. He'd proved that much. But my fear now is the same as it was then."

"Which is?"

"What if I opened my mouth and said something so stupid he walked away and never came back?"

James' gaze narrowed on Logan. "That's what it is? Why you're so afraid to talk to people?"

"I can talk to them. I'm much better about it, I don't have an issue with just talking to random strangers the way I used to. It's more just...people I have to see often. Potential friends or dates. I can usually talk to classmates now with no problem, it's not until they express some sort of interest in me as a person that I close up."

"Because you're afraid you'll say something stupid to push them away," James clarified.

"I guess."

"You know, Logan..."

Logan's hands tightened on the wheel, his palms growing sweaty again.

"You're a handsome guy. I bet a lot of girls have tried to get close to you. Maybe even guys."

His throat was closing up, chest growing tight.

"And you've probably driven them all away because you're scared to take a chance. Everyone except Kendall, who doesn't let you do that. Who didn't run from the start."

"Can we not talk about Kendall?"

"And that's why this is so hard for you. It's the first time since fifth grade he hasn't been at your side, to protect you and be your friend. To show you that you're worthy of having a friend."

Logan said nothing.

"Are you afraid he'll make a new best friend?"

It was harder to breathe suddenly. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I know, but you need to. And the truth is, he may make new friends out in...where is it he's going again?"

"Texas."

"For hockey, right?"

Logan nodded, attempting to swallow over the lump in his throat.

"But I want you to remember that he stuck by your side for...give me a second, math isn't my strong suit." James used his fingers to count. "Nine years? He didn't leave your side for nine years, not in junior high or high school, where I'm sure he met a ton of new people."

"But that's because I was always right there next to him. Now I won't be. What if he's been waiting for this for nine years? The chance to escape me without feeling guilty about it?"

"Logan, I don't know Kendall as well as you do. We've only met a handful of times, but he seems like the kind of guy who's going to do what he wants. Doesn't like to be told what to do. Is that correct?"

"Yes, but-"

"But nothing. If he didn't want to be around you, he wouldn't be. He would either ditch you, or-"

"But he wouldn't," Logan argued. "That's what I'm saying, he's too nice. He'd feel sorry for me and stay with me just so I wasn't alone."

"Nope. He'd find someone to dump you on."

"What?"

"Think about it. If he really hated having you around, and he's too nice to just walk away, he'd dump you on someone else. Someone he knew would take care of you, but still someone else. That way he doesn't have to worry about you. Now has he ever done that? Tried to make you hang out with someone else, or encourage you to be friends with someone in particular?"

"No," Logan sighed. "He never forces that on me, other than trying to make me open up. But not...it's not like he's trying to dump me on them. Even when he had girlfriends, he made sure I was included in things."

"So why would you think he didn't want you around?"

"Because who would? You've said it yourself, I'm uptight and cranky. And judgmental."

"Yeah, but you just need to live a little. You're not that bad. And you're kind of hot."

"Oh, thanks. The 'kind of' really sells it."

"No, Logan," James chuckled. "I only meant that hot doesn't really describe you. But that doesn't mean you're ugly by any means. You're...cute."

"Cute? Like a puppy dog?"

"No, like a cute guy. You've got a great smile, when you use it. And I've been dying to touch your hair, but I think you'd punch me if I tried."

"My hair? Why would you touch my hair?"

"Because it looks soft. You know how some girls are hot and others are cute?"

"I...guess?"

"It's like sexy as opposed to pretty. There's a difference. Even ugly girls can be sexy."

"I've never really paid attention."

"But you see my point. You're not ugly, and I think you have sexy potential, but the world will probably never see that side of you. You've got really cute dimples and gorgeous eyes."

"I...really?"

"Yeah. I could easily make you look sexy, if you wanted."

"No, that's okay," Logan said in a rush. "I don't need to be sexy."

"There's nothing wrong with being cute. You just naturally are. Like me, I'm naturally hot. Very sexy when I want to be."

"I'll trust you on that."

"So can I touch your hair?"

"No."

"Worth a shot." James shifted in the seat so that he was facing forward again. "My whole point here is that Kendall would've ditched you a long time ago if he wanted to. Paired you up with someone else to look after you so that you wouldn't be alone. And he didn't, did he?"

Their phone conversation from earlier flashed through Logan's mind.

" _Do you have any idea what you signed me up for?"_

" _A companion."_

 _"Allow yourself to make a new friend."_

Suddenly feeling sick to his stomach, Logan remained silent.

"Logan? He didn't do that, right?"

"Guess not."

But he had. Kendall had found someone to dump Logan on, and he'd done it so smoothly Logan hadn't even been aware of it. Fighting the hurt and desolation running through him now, he forced himself to focus on the road.

"See, Logan? Everything's gonna be okay."

The worst part was that he couldn't even break down and cry about it-not while driving, and certainly not with his new "companion" sitting next to him.

"Logan?"

"Hey James, can we um...I just need some quiet. Can we not talk for awhile?"

"Yeah, I guess," James answered, and Logan ignored the hurt he heard in the reply. Without another word James pulled out his ear buds and slipped them in before plugging the cord into his phone and drowning himself in music.

Once James' eyes were closed, Logan let the tears flow and made as little noise as possible while reaching into the console for the tissue box. Their next stop was an hour away, and he hoped to be rid of the pain by then.


	5. Chapter 5

By the time Logan pulled to a stop outside of a diner, James had fallen asleep again, giving Logan enough time to cry it out and his eyes to lose their puffiness. He'd considered pulling over a few times when the tears blurred his vision, but that would have only made James aware of it.

Now he reached over to shake James awake, remembering to be a little rough about it so that James opened his eyes on a gasp. He watched James pull out the ear buds and hide them in a pocket of the jacket before speaking. "You hungry?" Logan asked.

"Yeah. Mostly I gotta pee. We eating here?"

"If you're okay with that. I figured a diner would have a good enough variety that we could both get something we like."

"I'll eat pretty much anything. You okay?"

Logan avoided the searching gaze. "Fine. Just hungry."

"So we're gonna pretend you didn't just cry all the way here?"

Annoyed that James could read him so easily, Logan nodded. "That was the plan."

"Whatever. Come on, let's go before I flood the car." James disconnected his phone from the charger, smiling when he saw they now had full service.

"You go on. I need to call-"

"Your mom, right. If I wasn't so damn jealous that you're close to her, I'd make fun of you."

Thinking that was something they'd have to talk about later, Logan didn't bother to correct James. "Grab us a table?"

"Sure. What do you want to drink?"

"Water's fine. Thanks, James."

"Water. So boring."

With that Logan was left alone, the sudden solitude welcoming. He wasn't used to being cooped up with someone who demanded he talk; Kendall always knew when he needed quiet, and was more than happy to offer it.

 _Kendall._

Just the name choked him up, but he was determined to make it through this without tears. He needed to be strong, to let Kendall go if that was what Kendall wanted. Bracing himself, he put a call through. When Kendall answered almost immediately, Logan thought about how badly he was going to miss having a friend who was there for him no matter what.

"Hey, everything okay?"

"Yeah," Logan managed, attempting to chase away the sadness. "How um...how are you?"

"I'm fine," Kendall answered. "Just packing up my stuff for the move. Mom and Katie decided to throw a going-away dinner for me, so I need to be done with packing sooner than I'd planned."

"Oh. If you need me to let you go, I can."

"It's fine. Where are you? Where's James?"

"We stopped for lunch. James is inside the restaurant."

"Okay. How's it going with him? Any better?"

Heart cracking, Logan blinked away tears. "He's annoying."

"But not so bad, right? Just a little full of himself?"

"He has his moments, I guess."

"Logan, what's wrong? I hear it in your voice, you're trying not to cry. Is it the same thing? You're scared?"

"Why did you send him with me, Kendall?"

"James? I told you. Shelly was upset because he was so depressed, and it just worked out that you two were-"

"Did he really lose his ticket or was that just a lie?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that anybody can figure out how to reset a password and you sent him with me because you don't want me to be alone."

"Well...yeah, that's true enough, I don't like the idea of you alone. I know how you are."

"Are you tired of me? Trying to push me off on him so you don't have to be my friend anymore?"

"Logan, what the fuck is he filling your head with? Did he say that?"

"He didn't have to. I figured it out on my own. And it makes sense, I know how I can be and if you need to dump me, I get it. Just be upfront about it, though."

"I'm not dumping you! I'm going crazy already thinking about living so far away from you, and it's killing me that I won't see you for months. How can you not know that? Didn't we just talk about this last night?"

"But if you wanted to get rid of me, this would be the perfect way. Shove me off on some other guy and that way you don't have to worry about feeling guilty for-"

"Okay, hold on. Logan, just hold on a minute. Stop."

Logan wiped angry tears away with the back of his hand.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Yes."

"I mean _really_ listening. Calm down and listen to me."

"I'm not a child, don't talk to me like that."

"Then stop and think for a second. If I didn't want you around, I would've gotten rid of you a long time ago."

"That's what James said, too, but he doesn't know you like I do, he doesn't know the guilt would eat you alive if-"

"I would've gotten over it. And if this whole thing was just a plan to dump you on someone else, do you really think it would be James I'd stick you with? I would choose someone I know well enough to feel that you'd be taken care of. And I'm not saying you're a kid who needs that, I'm just saying I worry about you because...I just always have. I never said anything because I don't like talking about it, but I'm just as worried about you as your mom is. I know how hard this is for you and I almost called my general manager and canceled the entire thing two days ago."

"You...what? Canceled what?"

"All of it. I talked to my mom about trying to go with a team that's closer to L.A. and if that didn't work, moving out there and going to a community college instead. Because I hate being away from you, I hate that I can't just show up and calm you down when you need me."

"Are you insane?"

"Possibly. My mom talked me out of it, but then last night after we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about how much I missed you already so I called your mom and she talked me out of it, too. She thinks this will be good for you, that with me around you never had to make new friends. Now you'll be forced to. And I hate that, I hate that there will be someone new in your life that will be the rock you lean on."

"Kendall, there won't be. My mom's wrong, she-"

"No, Logan, she's not. She's absolutely right and this will be good for you. That's the only reason I'm not in that car with you right now."

Guilt swamped Logan when he heard a sniffle on the other end of the line. Kendall hated crying more than anything else. "I'm sorry. I...I should know you better than that."

"Yeah, you should. How could you think I don't want you around?"

"I don't know. We were talking about how you and I met, and I was telling him how hard it is for me, the anxiety and everything, and-"

"Wow. You told him all that?"

"He kind of...is annoying. Doesn't let up until he gets me talking."

"Oh. Well, I'm uh...glad you have someone to talk to."

Logan brushed away tears again. "He's not you."

"And no one I talk to in Texas will be you. Are we clear on that?"

"Yeah," Logan answered in a tiny voice. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"It's not me you doubt so much as yourself. You need to stop that, because you're an amazing person on your own."

"James said I'm cute."

"Cute?" Kendall echoed, then chuckled. "Did I stick you in a car with a gay guy for thirty-five hours?"

"He says he's bi. Apparently the sex doesn't matter, if it's hot he'll sleep with it."

"Oh my god," Kendall laughed, highly amused. "Sorry about that, I had no idea. Has he tried to kiss you yet?"

"Nah, I'm not sexy. Just cute. He asked if he could touch my hair, though," Logan grinned.

"Why don't you sound annoyed when you tell me that? I would've expected it to piss you off."

"It does sometimes. He's good at that."

"I can only imagine. But Logan...really. I love you, bro. You're not going anywhere that I won't be able to visit. And you'll come home for Thanksgiving, right?"

"I do still have to kill you in your bed," Logan reminded him.

"Exactly. So please, don't think I'm trying to ditch you. You're the best friend I've ever had and you always will be. Okay?"

"Okay. And for the record, I would have kicked your ass if you'd backed out of Texas."

"Just like I would've kicked your ass for backing out of L.A. That's what friends are for; we encourage each other to live our dreams even if it means we don't get to hang out. But there's always a phone."

"Yeah." Now both of them were back to choking up, so Logan knew it was time to go. "I'd better get inside the restaurant before James orders the entire menu. He's going to drive me insane."

"But hey, he thinks you're cute. That's something."

"I do have adorable dimples," Logan agreed.

"He really said that?"

"He's crazy. Beat me at Twenty Questions, though. I'll have to get even for that."

"No way! No one can beat you at that!"

"This jerkface did. He's currently staring at me from a booth inside the restaurant and gesturing for me to hurry up. I'm tempted to stay out here another ten minutes just to annoy him."

"Be careful, Logan. For a second there it almost sounded like you were having fun."

"Shut up, he drives me crazy. I miss you."

"I miss you, too. Call me tonight when you can, so we can talk before I go to bed."

"I will. Sorry I'm missing your party."

"It's not much, just dinner with the family. Your mom included."

Distracted as he stared through a window of the diner, Logan mused, "Oh, he's really getting irritated now. Arms crossed over his chest and everything. You're right, this is fun."

"Dude, don't be a dick. The guy's hungry, go feed him."

Logan considered sharing the shoplifting debacle, but decided that would only make Kendall feel worse about saddling him with James. "I guess I should. Wait, the waitress just dropped off our drinks and he's flirting. Of course he is. Hey, have you ever kissed a guy?"

"Have I...what? Logan, are you gonna kiss him?" Kendall asked in shock.

"No! God, no, don't even...no, I'm asking because he says you might have and I'd never know. Did you?"

"You'd know if I did. I tell you everything."

"Okay. That's what I thought, but he made me wonder."

"I'm starting to regret asking you to drive him. He's painting a very bad picture of me."

"Not really, he was the one telling me you still wanted me around. He made a point to say that everything's gonna be okay. Not sure I believe that, but the sentiment was—oh, he is royally pissed. He's coming out here to yell at me now. Gotta go, Kendall."

"Play nice! Talk to you later."

"Bye."

Logan disconnected the call and pocketed his phone before stepping out and stretching.

"What the hell did you have to talk to your mom about for twenty minutes? I'm starving and—oh no." James' face paled. "Did you tell her about the donuts?"

"She said I should've made you go to jail just to show you that what you did was wrong."

"Look, I know I screwed up, okay? Please don't-"

"I'm joking," Logan chuckled. "It wasn't even my mom I was talking to, it was Kendall."

"Kendall? But you said you were calling your mom."

"No, you just assumed that and never let me finish my sentence. As usual."

"Oh. Well. Is um...are you guys okay?"

"We're great," Logan nodded, feeling more relaxed than he had in days. "And just so you know, you were right. He's not dumping me."

"Duh. He's not stupid, he knows he's got a good friend in you. Can we please go eat now that your emotional crisis is over?"

"You act like you haven't eaten in weeks," Logan complained, but followed when James started walking. "Wait, did I grab the-" Patting his jeans pocket, Logan sighed in relief when he felt the keys inside. "Thank god."

"I made sure. Come on, I ordered you liver and onions." James opened the door and pushed Logan inside with a hand on his back.

"Liver and onions, are you crazy? I don't eat that, why would you-"

"To get you back for making me think your mom was sending the cops after me," James grinned, adding a wink. "I didn't order your food. But your face was great. Sit."

He shoved Logan down into the booth before taking the opposite side.

"I have to use the restroom."

"Order first. Please, I'm starving. Wait, actually..." James studied Logan from across the table.

"What?"

"I bet I can guess what you're gonna order."

"No, you can't."

"I can. Let's see...something healthy for sure. Maybe a salad, but you'll want protein as well. So a chicken salad. But not breaded chicken, that's too fattening for you. So a grilled chicken salad with...balsamic vinaigrette."

Logan stared back in silence, unwilling to admit that he most likely would have ordered that exact meal.

"Did I miss anything? Maybe some fruit on the side, Mr. Health-Conscious-Doctor-to-Be?"

"At least that one's not an insult."

The waitress approached again and James smiled up at her, Logan watching him flirt effortlessly while doing something as mundane as giving an order for a burger and fries. He probably didn't even realize he was doing it; it was like breathing to someone like James.

"Logan, can I get a chocolate shake, too?"

"That's fine."

"Thanks! Should I order for you as well?" he teased with one eyebrow raised.

"I think I can handle this." To the waitress, Logan said, "I'll have the fried chicken with fries, and I'd like a side of gravy to dip them in. Can I also get an order of nachos? Thanks. Oh, and bring me a strawberry shake as well."

Once she'd moved away, James smirked at him in amusement. "I can't believe you just did that."

"What, ordered lunch? That's what people do when they're hungry. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to-"

"No, you only ordered that shit because I guessed you and it pisses you off. Fries with gravy? Please, Logan. Admit I was right."

"I admit nothing. I'll be back."

"Hurry or your nachos might disappear."

"If that's your way of asking if you can have some, the answer's yes."

"Thanks!"

Logan turned his back on a beaming James who was sucking happily at a soft drink, thinking that maybe James had a point about guys being easier to read; after all, he'd learned quickly that all it took to make James smile was a good meal and a compliment about his hair.

Logan eventually returned to the table to find James had devoured almost half the plate of nachos. "Really, James? You're just going to mow through my nachos like that?"

"I told you to hurry," James replied as Logan slid into the booth. "Besides, you only ordered them to prove me wrong. It's not like you really wanted them."

"Want to bet?" Logan slid the plate closer so that he could reach for it easily and began to eat.

"Not worried about my cooties this time?" James teased.

"I know you're just trying to make me stop eating them so there's more for you. I can eat them without touching any pieces that you did."

"Damn, next time I'll eat around the whole plate." With a grin, James shoved more of the loaded chips into his mouth.

After downing a few more bites, Logan asked, "Can we talk about you now?"

"Aww come on, we're having such a nice time. Why ruin it like that?"

"Because I just talked much more about myself than I'm comfortable with and you owe me. We made a deal."

"I don't remember agreeing to that deal. I never really gave you an answer."

"I can leave you here."

"I might get lucky with the waitress, feel free," James joked, but Logan knew James well enough now to see that the idea bothered him.

"James, come on. I'd like to ask about your mother, but I think that's too personal for the moment. Why don't we talk about the money?"

"What money?"

"The money you were scammed out of."

"Oh god, you know about that?" James groaned while sitting back against the booth and reaching for his glass. "Did Shelly really tell Kendall?"

"She must have, because Kendall told me. Sort of. All I know is that you fell for some scheme and lost all of your money."

The waitress returned to set down two milkshakes, Logan thanking her politely while James offered a winning smile and held her gaze just long enough to be a tease.

"Wow, you have that down to a science," Logan commented.

"It's a gift," James agreed, excitedly plunging a straw into the shake and sucking down a few mouthfuls. "Mmm, this is amazing. You sure you don't want to try it? You can use your own straw."

"Thanks, but I prefer strawberry." Logan sampled his and found it to be possibly the best shake he'd ever tasted. "You're not kidding. This is fantastic."

"Mm-hm," James hummed while sucking in more.

"Don't drink it too fast or you'll get a stomachache."

"Yes, Doctor." James grinned and pushed his glass away to pick up more nachos.

"So, the money. You're not nearly as dumb as I was led to believe, so-"

"Gee, thanks. You're not nearly as boring as _I_ was led to believe."

"No need to be insulting. Mine was actually a compliment."

"Then so was mine."

"Why would you assume I'm boring?"

"Kendall described you as a quiet, shy type."

"Well, that's true, I guess."

"Why would you assume I'm dumb?"

"Kendall told me you'd been scammed out of your money and couldn't figure out how to reset your email password."

"I could've figured that out. I just didn't have enough time."

"For what?"

"By the time I reset the password and called the bus place for a replacement ticket, the bus terminal would have been closed. It didn't re-open until seven the next morning, but my bus was supposed to leave at four-thirty. There was no way for me to get down there to get the actual ticket before my bus arrived."

"You could've just taken a later bus."

"They were gonna charge me twenty bucks to change the time, and I didn't have it. Shelly offered me that, but...I don't know. I didn't want to borrow money."

"Why not?" Logan asked curiously. "You don't seem to mind borrowing from me. Is it because you'll never see me again? You don't have to pay it back?"

"No, it's not that. I told you I'd pay you back, and I will. I've been keeping track of what you buy me so that I know how much when the time comes."

"You have? Really?"

"Yeah. I admit I'm guessing on the gas, but I'm putting down what I think is half. I intend to pay you back, Logan. Just not...anytime soon. But definitely within six months. I'll have the money by then for sure."

The food arrived then, the waitress clearing away the near-empty nacho plate to make room, and James chose to focus on his fries instead of flirting this time. Logan once again thanked her, back at it the moment she disappeared.

"Do you have a job lined up?"

"I've got auditions. One of them is bound to land me a part."

"Recurring roles?"

"No, just small things. But it's a start, and once the world sees my face, I've got it made."

Logan nibbled on a fry (ignoring the gravy, as James had been correct in thinking he didn't really want it) while studying James, who seemed oblivious to anything but his burger. "You do have a pretty face," he admitted. When James looked up in surprise, Logan added, "And don't take that to mean I'm checking you out. It's an honest comment strictly for the sake of agreeing with your point."

"But it's honest? You think I'm pretty?"

"I think the world would look on you and find you attractive," Logan hedged. "So you've got that going for you. But it's not that easy, right? You can have the most gorgeous face but if there's nothing going on up here-" Logan pointed to James' head "-then the face is useless. You have to have a brain as well."

"Didn't you say I'm not as dumb as you thought?"

"Yes. And I suppose as long as you can follow instructions, you can get somewhere."

"I can. I do, when it comes to acting. I'll do anything to succeed."

Logan's eyes narrowed on the desperate tone. "Don't..."

"What?" James had returned to his food, but stopped shoveling in fries to glance up at Logan.

"Just...don't sell yourself short. Retain some dignity and don't degrade yourself for a chance at fame."

"I'll do whatever I have to, Logan. I'm not going back."

There was a lot buried that Logan was going to have to dig into, but he knew that this wasn't the time or place. He'd wait until they were alone. "You have somewhere to live out there, right?"

Head bent over his plate, James nodded. "I have a friend who moved out there a year ago, he's gonna put me up until I can get my own place."

"That may be awhile. L.A.'s really expensive."

"I know. But he said I can stay as long as I need to."

"Good. Tell me about this scam thing."

"I don't ever want to talk about that again."

"What happened? Did someone trick you into making an investment?"

"You could say that."

"Just tell me. I'm not going to laugh at you."

"Yeah, you are. You'll look at me and say 'I can't believe you fell for that.'"

"James, I won't. Just tell me what happened."

After an internal debate, James began, "So there was this flyer up at the grocery store. You know how they have the community bulletin board thing at the front?"

Logan's local store had no such thing, but he nodded while sipping at his shake.

"I always check that out for random jobs, anything to make money. I've mowed lawns, cleaned pools-"

At that Logan choked on his drink, using a napkin to cough into until he could breathe again.

"What's so funny about that?"

"Nothing."

"No, tell me why that made you choke."

"It's just...I had this vision of you cleaning pools while lonely housewives sun themselves and try to get in your pants."

"Oh." James grinned smugly. "Yeah, that happened a few times. It's how I got my repeat business."

"Are you serious?" Logan gaped. "That's horrible! And against the law if you were a minor!"

"So? I was totally consenting."

"That doesn't matter, it's still against the law! Those women could have gone to jail!"

"No, that's only if I didn't want it."

"No, James, even if you _did_ want it. It's still against the law."

James frowned. "Really? I always thought it was only if I was forced."

"No. That's not how it works."

"Oh. Well...they knew what they were doing. And one was a guy, so..."

"Oh my god, James, I don't want details. Just...go on with your story."

"Oh, right, so. I would check the board every week for odd jobs to make money. And last week I saw a flyer that talked about making money quick on an investment."

"Llamas."

"Alpacas, actually. I called the number and the guy said I had to keep it under the radar-"

"Always your first clue it's not legitimate," Logan inserted.

"No, he had a good reason for it. Said his competitor would swoop in and steal the business if he heard about it, so we had to keep it quiet. But if I put up a few dollars to help him get the transaction going, we'd have a quick turnaround and be set for life because he had a client who was willing to buy an entire farm's worth of alpacas. The only problem was he needed a few more dollars to get the alpacas here, because he was strapped. But once they were here, then he makes the delivery and gets the payoff, and I get a good cut of the sale."

"How much is a good cut?"

"He said fifty percent, which sounds good to me."

"Yeah, _too_ good," Logan commented. "Why would he do all the work but offer some stranger who puts up a few dollars half of his earnings from the sale?"

"He said he was desperate and that his kids were starving. He didn't know what else to do."

"James, I can't believe you fell for that."

A sardonic eyebrow was lifted over annoyed hazel eyes. "You promised not to say that."

"Oh. Sorry."

"See, I knew you would."

"No, James, I'm sorry. I really am. It's just...you seem smarter than that. Why would you fall for it?"

"The truth is, I was starting to get a bad feeling about it and thinking maybe it _was_ a scam. I was thinking about hanging up, and I think the guy knew that because that's when he brought up his starving kids."

An unexpected fondness for James welled up in Logan. "It was the kids that did it, wasn't it? You did it because you couldn't stand the idea of starving children."

"I know what that's like," James admitted, eyes downcast on an almost-empty plate. "I think by then I knew it probably wasn't legit, but...I believed the part about the kids. So I agreed to wire him money."

"And never heard back."

"Never heard back," James agreed. "He was supposed to call me and tell me about the alpacas, let me know when everything was done. But it was supposed to be the next day, and..." James shrugged, dejected. "So even though I fell for a stupid scam, I pray every night that those kids at least have good meals for the next year."

"Next _year_? How much money did you give him, James?"

"A lot. All the money I'd saved up since my fourteenth birthday."

Staring across the table at a young man who would give up everything he owned for the sake of a starving family, Logan smiled softly. "Want a sundae for dessert?"

"Yeah? You're serious?" As Logan had hoped, the sadness was replaced by enthusiasm for sweets.

"Totally." He flagged down the waitress as she passed and asked for a menu, handing it over to James when it arrived. "Any dessert you want."

"Awesome!" James was practically bouncing in his seat as he perused the selection. "What are you having?"

"Oh, I'm way too full for dessert."

"All that untouched gravy fill you up?" James winked.

"Be quiet. I'll be back, I'm going to the restroom again before we go. And I'll expect you to do the same. I'm hoping to make it three hours before we stop again."

"I'll be fine. Oh, the brownie sundae looks good, but so does the banana split. Are you sure you don't want something? I can order it for you."

"Positive. Just enjoy. And only one dessert!"

"Yeah, yeah."

The waitress returned just as Logan stood to make his escape, and as he moved away he heard James' voice change to that flirty, sexy tone and shook his head. No doubt he'd have a place to stay for the night if Logan did leave him here.

James greeted him with a grin when he returned to the booth. "It's not too late if you want to order something else."

"Did you already devour your dessert?"

"Nah, she hasn't brought it yet. We got to talking."

"Flirting, you mean."

"So? You should try it for a change. I bet it would help your social issues."

"I don't flirt."

"Maybe you should."

"I'd be horrible at it."

"Probably, but you have to learn sometime."

"No, I don't. I've lived eighteen years without it and there's no need to start now."

"But there is, dude. College! The best years of your life! You can't go into college with zero social skills."

"I do just fine."

"No you don't, you already told me you can barely talk to strangers."

"I said I'm getting better. I had no problem talking to the waitress or the clerk at the store, did I?"

"No, but they weren't potential hook-ups."

"I don't do hook-ups."

"You should. Might not be so uptight all the time if you'd get laid."

"I'll have you know-"

His words cut off at the reappearance of the waitress, who smiled at James while setting down a sundae overflowing with whipped cream and fudge. "I gave you an extra cherry," she hinted, and behind her Logan rolled his eyes to the sky while James offered a sexy smile.

"Thanks. Mind if I share that with my buddy Logan?"

Logan's face turned a deep shade of crimson while his eyes bugged out. He shook his head frantically at James, who smirked as the waitress spun to study him.

"He is cute," she conceded. "And I _was_ taught to share."

Throat closing up, Logan gasped for breath.

"Logan. It's okay. Breathe."

"Can't..." Logan shoved out of the booth and rushed to the bathroom, not able to take a deep breath until he was closed in a stall and away from people. How could he go out there and face her now? He'd made a fool of himself, couldn't even-

"Logan?"

And now here was this one. Wishing there was a way to sneak past James and run, never looking back, Logan buried his face in his hands.

"Dude, you okay? I didn't mean to upset you, I just thought you needed to try flirting."

Still shaking slightly, Logan held his silence.

"Open the door."

"Your sundae's melting."

"Open the door, Logan."

"I'm fine, just give me a few minutes to-"

"I'm not leaving until I see your face. Open the damn door before I kick it in."

"James, just go back to-"

The door shook in its frame as a foot connected with it.

"Are you crazy?" Logan hissed, sliding the lock to open the door. "I'm not paying for damage to this stall!"

"I warned you. Are you okay?"

"I told you, I'm fine. Just-"

"No you're not, you're shaking. Come here."

"I have to go to the bathroom." Logan attempted to close the door.

"You do not, you just went."

Logan was forcibly dragged out of the stall, hands clawing at James in an effort to get away but James was too strong—much stronger than even Kendall. Before he knew it, his face was buried in a hard chest and long arms were enfolded around him to keep him there.

"Let me go."

"Not until you relax. I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be that bad."

"I told you."

"I know, but I thought you were exaggerating."

"I wasn't."

"I get that now. Just...relax. I got you."

The main door opened and Logan tensed, imagining what they must look like, but James didn't step away; instead, he hugged Logan tighter. "You're okay," he whispered, and Logan closed his eyes to regain control.

It wasn't until the other man had finished his business and exited that Logan felt he could function again. He stepped away from James, who let him go while studying his face carefully. "You look better. You okay now?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not, but you're better. I really am sorry. I kind of..."

"What?"

"I asked her to go along with it because I thought you needed practice."

"You...what?! You asked her to pretend to flirt with me?"

"I just told her you were shy and needed a little help."

"So she never thought I was cute. That was all because you told her to-"

"Hey, she said that all on her own."

"Because you asked her to be nice to me. Yeah, thanks but no thanks. Just..." Frustrated beyond measure, Logan turned his back on James and headed for the door, but he didn't get far because James grabbed his arm to stop him.

"You're cute, okay? She wasn't lying about that."

"I don't even care, can we just get out of here? I'm so embarrassed, I don't know how to face her now."

"You don't have to. We'll grab the check and leave."

"I'm going to go pay. You use the restroom and meet me at the car."

"Fine."

"Don't take too long."

"I won't."

Without another word Logan fled the bathroom, keeping his eyes down as he wended his way through tables and booths. A half-melted sundae greeted him and he felt bad, knowing how much James had been looking forward to it. He warred with himself for a minute before screwing up his courage and spinning to look for the waitress. What had her name tag said?

"Debbie!" he called out, or tried as his throat attempted to close up at the thought of speaking to her. He repeated it, this time his voice stronger and catching her attention even though his face was hot again. "Can I um...can we get another sundae? Is there any way you can somehow make that to go?"

"Hmm, might be difficult with ice cream, but I'll see what I can do. And it's no charge."

"I'll pay for it. I don't want to-"

"It's cool. He barely touched that one, anyway. Don't even worry about it."

"Thanks. I'm sorry about—the whole—whatever he said, he's kind of-"

"It's okay," Debbie chuckled. "But just so you know, I meant what I said. You really are cute."

When his eyes started to bug out again, she quickly turned away, probably fearing another of his episodes. Logan picked up the check and forced himself to calm down before stepping up to the register to pay the bill. He left Debbie a hefty tip as a thank you for the extra sundae, then instructed her to make sure James got the dessert on his way out to the car.

Once safely enclosed in the driver's seat, Logan let out a long breath and relaxed. They were two hours behind schedule, but he tried not to let that bother him as he programmed the next gas stop into his navigation system. They could hopefully make some of that up this next leg of the trip.


	6. Chapter 6

When James slid into his seat with a to-go container and a spoon, Logan was texting his mother to let her know he'd made it this far and was on his way to the next stop.

"You got me a new sundae?"

Logan admitted, "I felt bad you didn't get to eat the other one. I know it won't be easy to eat in that box, but-"

"It's awesome. Thanks, dude! I owe you."

"Literally," Logan agreed. "But don't add that to your tally. The sundae's on me."

"Why?"

"Because...I don't really know why."

"It's because you're starting to like me."

"No, that's definitely not it," Logan chuckled. "You're annoying and you drive me crazy."

"Doesn't mean you don't like me."

"Actually, it does. Put your seat belt on so we can get out of here."

"You're starting to like me," James singsonged, but followed directions. Once he'd picked up the container again, he popped it open and said, "Go for it. We're good."

Logan studied the sundae, surprised it looked as appetizing as it did for being in a to-go container. "She really laid on the whipped cream."

"Want a bite? Before I use the spoon?"

"No, I want to just get out of here. Besides, you already gave me your cootie germs."

James was already moving a loaded spoonful toward Logan's mouth.

"James, I said no."

"Open your mouth before it drips all over your shirt."

"You're so annoying."

"Better hurry, it's starting to-"

Logan accepted the bite just to shut James up, and it was ten times as good as he'd imagined it. "Oh my god, what's in that?"

"Heaven. One more for the road?"

"Give me that." Logan snatched the spoon out of James' hand and scooped up four bites in rapid succession before passing it back. "That's amazing."

"Right? You good for now?"

"So full. I may never eat again."

"We're stopping for dinner. Don't even try to get out of that."

"Wouldn't want you to starve to death," Logan teased with a roll of his eyes. "Did she give you any napkins?"

"No."

Logan unbuckled his seat belt to reach across James and open the glove box. "I've got a stash in here." He used one on himself, then laid two in James' lap. "You'll be needing those."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Someone has to be, I guess."

Once strapped in again, Logan backed out of the space. "Spill that in my new car and you're staying with Debbie for the night."

"Who's Debbie?"

"The waitress? Did you not even look at her name tag?"

"I had no reason to."

"Just out of curiosity, how many girls have you slept with without even knowing their names?"

"Just girls?"

"Never mind. Forget I asked."

James shrugged, unbothered by Logan's obvious judgment. "We need to get you laid before you start college."

"Excuse me? No. Absolutely not. Please stop trying to help me, because you saw what it does."

"You just need practice."

"I just need for you to shut up. I'm driving here."

"So I'm not allowed to talk again?"

"Not if you're going to talk about me and sex in the same sentence."

"Fine. How about a kiss?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Quit avoiding the issue. I can at least get you kissed before tomorrow."

"I have no desire to kiss anyone before tomorrow."

"Why not? Kissing's great."

"I'll trust you on that."

"Come on, you can't tell me you've never been jealous watching Kendall kiss a girl."

"I've never been jealous watching Kendall kiss a girl."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"Then you're gay."

"I'm not that either."

"So you've never wondered what it would be like to kiss someone? Guy or girl?"

"I just don't think about it."

"You're lying again. Everybody thinks about it."

"There are more important things to think about than kissing and sex."

James laughed. "The only people who say that are people who don't get any."

"Smart people say that."

"Do you think Kendall's smart?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Would he agree with you or me on this?"

Logan pursed his lips, refusing to answer.

"Don't ignore me."

"You know, I bet we've got radio reception for at least the next twenty miles. Why don't you check?"

"Oh, so _now_ you want music? Because I'm asking you hard questions?"

"Do you want the radio or not?"

"Fine. But don't think we're dropping this. I'm getting you kissed before we hit L.A."

"Please, James, don't do me any favors. It was hard enough having a girl fake-flirt with me. If one tries to kiss me, I'll probably faint."

"Who says it has to be a girl? I can find you a guy easier."

"I'm not kissing a guy."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I'm just...can we stop talking about it? My stomach's upset."

"That's from lunch. It's not used to all that greasy food."

The fact that James was absolutely right didn't help. Logan watched him dispose of the empty container in their trash bag, making a mental note to dump the contents at the next stop. When he sensed James about to start in again, he reached out and turned on the radio.

"Don't even think about it." James switched the music off. "Did you know that a lot of times, you can't even tell if you're kissing a guy or girl?"

"What?"

"I'm serious. They've done studies. I saw a thing about it once, they actually tested people. Blindfolded them and had them try to guess which sex they were kissing. Most of the time, they were wrong."

"I don't believe that."

"It's true. We did it at a party once, just to see."

"Who?"

"Me and Shelly. Well, basically everyone at the party participated, but a lot of times I was wrong. Sometimes I could tell from perfume or lipstick, that stuff's obvious. Or even facial hair. But this one guy...damn. I wanted to kiss him all night. And I thought it was a girl at first," James chuckled.

"Are you...so you guys actually blindfolded each other and took turns kissing?"

"Yeah. When I was blindfolded, I kissed about twenty people in a row. I think I got about half of them right. It's literally impossible to tell from a kiss alone, without factors like scent or touch. We weren't allowed to touch them. Except I cheated with that one guy, he came to me twice and something about the way he kissed me, I didn't want to stop. So when he tried to move away, I reached out and grabbed him and pulled him back. He sat on my lap and took off the blindfold, and we ended up making out for like an hour. If I'd had him alone..."

James didn't finish the thought, Logan glad for that. "How could you tell it was him the second time?"

"Just something in the way he kissed. No one had ever kissed me like that before. And sadly, no one has since. I have dreams about it sometimes. I never even knew his name."

"The one that got away," Logan joked. "Was he hot?"

"Yeah, but not so much to look at. Like, I'll be honest—he's not someone I would have kissed based on looks alone. But you can't judge by that. The best sex I ever had was from a guy who most wouldn't consider gorgeous."

"It amazes me that you've had enough sex to be able to say something like that."

"Sex is incredible. One day you'll understand."

"I can't even imagine it."

"Well, you know the basics of it, right?"

"Of course. I just can't imagine being that intimate with someone. I can barely handle someone in my space, let alone touching me and kissing me and..." Logan shuddered in revulsion. "The idea isn't inviting at all."

"Okay, let me ask you this. Have you ever been attracted to anyone?"

"There are girls I think are pretty."

"In person or just on T.V.?"

"T.V., mostly. Movies."

"You've never wanted a girl you saw in person?"

"Honestly, no. Because that would mean I'd have to get close to her, and...no. Just no."

"So you've never even like...shared a bed with anyone?"

"Kendall, but he doesn't count. He's my best friend."

"Shelly's mine and I made out with her."

"Yes, but she's a girl."

"So? I've already told you, it doesn't matter. You've never wanted him to kiss you?"

"No."

"Does he ever touch you?"

"He um...wait, why are we talking about this again?"

"I'm trying to understand what the problem is, and help you fix it."

"I don't want to fix it."

"We're going to anyway." James twisted so that he could focus on Logan more intently. "So Kendall what? Touches you how?"

"It's nothing, he just kind of um..."

"Go on, I'm not judging you."

"When he knows I'm upset, he hugs me."

"That's nothing."

"I told you it was nothing."

"Is that all?"

"At night when we sleep together, I don't mind if he...you know."

"No, I don't know," James smirked. "But I'm imagining all kinds of things."

"Stop it! He just cuddles with me. It's nothing dirty."

"So you're okay with cuddling?"

"Only with him."

"Because you trust him."

"I guess. I feel comfortable with him. Safe."

"Okay, that's fair enough. Were you like that from the start?"

"No. The first time he tried it, I freaked out."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What did he do?"

"He um...he didn't let go. He didn't let me push him away."

"Right," James nodded. "So the way to get to you is to force you, basically."

"Whoa, hold on a second, I never said-"

"I'm just making a point, Logan. No one's ever getting anywhere with you unless they disrespect your boundaries and cross them. Because it's the only way to show you that your fears are..." James trailed off to think.

"Don't say stupid or silly."

"I wasn't going to. I was searching for a nicer word."

"Well, thanks for that, I guess. But I'm aware that my fears are silly. What I don't know is how to get past them."

"Like we just talked about. Force yourself to kiss someone. You'll probably find that you enjoy it."

"Not likely."

"You ended up loving the sundae I shoved in your mouth, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, but a sundae isn't going to hurt me."

"Neither is a tongue, Logan. I promise."

Logan sighed. "Can we be done with this conversation?"

"For now. How much longer until our next stop?"

"About two and a half hours. Play games on your phone or something."

"I'm going to, but only because you need time to digest everything we just talked about."

"I do not. You haven't changed my views on intimacy."

"No, but hopefully I've at least made you curious."

Logan shook his head. "Nope. Sorry."

"Whatever you say." James faced forward again to slip his phone out of his pocket, effectively ignoring Logan.

Relieved, Logan returned his entire focus to the road—all except that tiny niggling part of his brain that suddenly wondered what it felt like to kiss someone.

* * *

An hour later James set his phone in the cup holder. "I'm bored. Can we talk now?"

"As long as it isn't about kissing or sex, sure. We could talk about your mom."

"Why are you obsessed with my mom?"

"I'm not, but I can see you'd like to be closer to her. So talk."

"Why don't we play another round of Twenty Questions instead?"

"Because you need to talk about it."

"I'm not like you, I don't hold my emotions in."

"So you do talk to someone about it?"

"I _do_ have a best friend."

"Who you haven't called once. I'm betting she doesn't know everything."

"Oh, like Kendall knows everything about you?"

"Of course he does."

"Yet he doesn't know anything about your dad, or that you've hunted him down."

"You're only proving my point, James. She doesn't know about your family, does she?"

"She knows enough."

"Does she know you miss your mother?"

"Logan, my mother lives with me. How much can I possibly miss her?"

"A lot, if she works all the time." When James turned his face to the window, Logan nodded. "Is that the problem? She's never home?"

"She never has been. It's not like it's anything new."

"Doesn't mean it's easy. What about your dad?"

"What about him?"

"He didn't get up to say goodbye this morning?"

The tension rolled off James in waves, but again there was no response. Deciding James was someone who required baby steps (as opposed to himself, who apparently needed to be steamrolled to open up), Logan said, "I'm thinking of something."

"What's that?"

"Guess."

"Huh?" James shifted to look at Logan, then it clicked. "Oh!" His entire demeanor changed. "Is it a person?"

"It is not."

"Um...is it...a kiss?"

"You can't guess after one question, and we already used that. So we can't use it again."

"Is that a rule?"

"Yes."

"But I totally _can_ guess after one question. No way is _that_ a rule, because one of these days I'm gonna guess right away and I'll be the king of this game forever."

"Keep dreaming. Question two."

"Is it an object?"

"Yes."

"Okay, cool. Is it...big?"

"We've discussed this, size is relative. Big in comparison to what?"

"Fine, is it big compared to a human?"

"No."

"How many questions have I asked?"

"Three. You've ascertained that it's an object and it's smaller than a human."

"Asser-what?"

"Forget I used that word. Go on."

"No, you're talking about asses. Let's talk more about that."

"James, it's a word. Ascertained. It means...you've figured something out."

"Then why don't you just say that? Why use all the big words?"

"Because sometimes I forget I'm talking to a five-year-old."

"You know, that's not very nice."

Logan let out a breath and nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. You frustrate me, though, and I get snappy."

"Another new nickname. Mr. Snappy-and-Not-Very-Nice."

"Can we get back to the game? Question four."

"Okay. Uh..." James glanced out the window as if that would give him ideas. "Is it heavy?"

"No, not really. Easy to carry."

"Aha, so I can carry it! This is gonna be a breeze. Is it lighter than a feather?"

"No. That was question five, go on."

"Is it...bigger than a cat?"

"A cat? How can I answer that, there are different sizes of cat."

"Are there different sizes of this object, too?"

"Yes. That was question seven."

"No way! You never answered the cat question."

"You're so maddening! I guess...sometimes. It can be bigger than a kitten, but it can also be smaller. Sort of?"

"Sort of? Yes or no, Logan."

"It's impossible to say because there are different types."

"Of cats or the object?"

"Both."

"Okay, that wasn't a question because I was clarifying your answer."

"Fine. So where are we?"

"You're the genius, you tell me."

"Hold on." Logan thought back. "Okay, if the cat question made six, then...I guess we're on seven now. Go."

James was quiet as he considered what he knew of the object. "Is it a plate?"

"No. And I'll count that as a guess."

"Can you...hmm. If you drop it, does it break?"

"Uh...I suppose. I mean, it doesn't crack or anything, but it's no longer able to be used if you drop it."

"Okay. So it's not glass. That was seven?"

"Yes."

"Something you have to be careful with then...can you sit on it?"

"James, if you can't drop it, why would it be something you can sit on? Obviously it's nothing sturdy."

"Oh. Right. Would you give it as a gift?"

"I guess you could. I've given it as a gift before."

"Really? So it's something cool?"

"Depends on who's receiving it. And that was question ten. You're slacking."

"That was not a-"

"It absolutely was a question. Halfway there, buddy."

"Fine," James sighed. He concentrated harder now, Logan feeling like he could see the wheels turning in James' head. "Is it flowers?"

"No."

"What else could you give as a gift? A ring? Wait, no, that's not bigger than a cat. And you could still use it if it's dropped. Damn, this one's hard."

Logan gave no clues as he continued to drive.

"A balloon? Wait, that might be lighter than a feather. A book?"

"No. Stop guessing and ask more questions."

"Okay, is it...oh, how about...can you eat it?"

"Yes," Logan grinned.

"Ha! It's food! That makes it easier."

"See? Asking questions narrows it down. You have nine questions left."

"Is it hot or cold?"

"Has to be yes or no," Logan reminded him.

"Fuck. Right. So...is it hot?"

"No."

"That means it's cold."

"Not necessarily. It could just be room temperature."

"You're right. Is it cold?"

"Yes. Thirteen questions in."

"No fair, you made me waste a question asking if it's cold!"

"It wasn't a waste, you now know something more about it."

"Is it...ice?"

"No, that would break if you dropped it."

"Yeah. What do you eat cold? That's not a yes-or-no, so don't count it!"

"I wasn't going to," Logan chuckled.

"Knowing you, it's probably salad."

"Is that a guess?"

"No, that is not a guess! Quit pressuring me!"

Logan laughed, delighted that James was feeling pressured for once. "I've never given salad as a gift."

"I wouldn't put it past you. What kind of food would you give as a gift, though?" Frustrated, James once again glanced out the window and then around the car as if searching for clues. When his gaze fell upon the trash bag, he gasped. "It's a sundae! You bought me a sundae as a gift!"

"Nice." Logan held up a hand and James slapped it. "Only took you thirteen questions. Amateur."

"Shut up, I still hold the record for this road trip."

"And I'm about to break it. Let's do one more round before I break out some water, because I'm starting to get sleepy."

"I really don't mind driving, Logan. I promise I'm a good driver."

"Not happening. Quit stalling and think of something."

"Okay, okay, give me a second. This has to be a good one."

Logan waited patiently while James ruminated, eventually humming the "Jeopardy!" theme song when James took too long.

"Shut up!" James shouted, but he was chuckling as he lightly punched Logan's arm. "Don't break my concentration. I'm trying to really stump you here."

"Good luck with that."

A sly grin appearing on James' face, he said, "Got it. Go."

"Okay. Is it a person?"

"Nope."

"Place?"

"Nope."

"Object."

"Yes. You're already at three, smartypants."

"No, that last wasn't a question. It was me deciding that it had to be an object. You're the moron who confirmed it."

"Stop cheating! That was so cheating!"

Logan only shrugged before asking, "Is it made of metal?"

"Uh...generally, no, but I have seen one once made of metal. Can't imagine how that works, but I guess it exists, so..."

"So it's not normally made of metal. Is it normally made of wood?"

"Nope. That was four. You're going down fast."

"Okay, is it...let me think. Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

"What's a breadbox?"

"A box that holds bread. You've never seen a breadbox?"

"No. Why would people put bread in a box when it already comes in a bag?"

"It's...never mind. Just answer my question."

"Well, how big is a breadbox?"

"Are you serious?" Logan asked, catching James' eye and noting that he was honestly asking. "Think about it. It holds bread, so it's obviously about that size."

"For all I know, it's made to hold four loaves of bread."

"One, James. One loaf of bread."

"Fine. Then...hmm. It's hard to say. There are different sizes. I guess I'll say...it's probably about the same? Can be a little bigger."

"Okay, that helps. Now I don't even remember what question I was on."

"Five. That was question five."

"Is it heavy?"

"Nope. Some are heavier than others, but they're pretty light. Easy to hold."

"Oh god, it's not a boob, is it?"

James busted up laughing, head falling back against the seat. "It is not a boob. But I love that you guessed that."

"I'm keeping in mind who's choosing the object. You've got boobs on the brain."

"Next question, please."

"Is it something you've handled often?"

"A fair amount, yes."

"And me? Have I handled them often?"

"Not at all would be my guess."

"It's a bra," Logan announced with a sigh.

"Damn! I hate you! How did you figure that out from the clues?"

"I told you, it's easy when I know how you think."

"You don't know how I think."

"I've guessed both of your things, haven't I?"

"And I guessed both of yours. Don't think you're all that."

"Next time we play, you'll think of something like a penis. Or a vagina. Because that's what you have on the brain."

"You don't know that! Next time I could think of something like...like...a quadratic equation!"

"Do you even know what that is?"

"No, but I've heard of it. I'm about more than sex, Logan."

"If you say so."

"You're just jealous because I get some and you don't."

"We've discussed this; I don't want some."

"But you need it. If there's anyone on this planet who needs sex, it's you."

"James, I don't need sex! Some people live their entire lives without having sex and they're perfectly fine!"

"They're unhappy and lonely. I'd hate to see that happen to you."

"I...what? Seriously? Why do you care?"

"I don't know. You're not a bad guy, Logan. You deserve happiness."

"Well...thanks." In a quieter voice, Logan offered, "So do you."

Hazel eyes centered on him but he kept his face forward.

"Look at me."

"Why?"

"Just look at me."

"I'm driving."

"Slow down then, and look at me."

"Is there something wrong?"

"Will you just look at me?"

"No, I'm—ugh, you're so annoying!"

Logan lifted his foot off the gas pedal and waited until he'd slowed enough that he felt it safe to glance over at James for more than a second. "What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"My face."

"I've seen plenty of that today." Returning his focus to the road, he asked, "What's your point?"

"I just wanted you to see that you made me smile. You meant what you said, and it was a really nice thing to say. So thanks."

"Oh. You're welcome, I guess." Uncomfortable, Logan cleared his throat.

"I meant what I said, too."

"I know you did."

"So...?"

"So what?"

"You could thank me. I didn't have to say it, and I said it first."

Logan shook his head slowly, exasperated. "Thank you, James. For caring."

"You're totally welcome!" James beamed.

"So about your mom."

James groaned, banging his head back against the seat. "Why is it every time I'm happy, you bring her up?"

"Talk to me. You miss her because she works too much?"

"I don't miss her much anymore. I'm used to it now."

"But when you were a kid? You missed her a lot?"

"Sure. Wouldn't you?"

"I would. My mom worked a lot, too, but she was home to make me dinner every night. And she had weekends off, so we had that. Does your dad do all the domestic chores?"

"You mean like cooking and cleaning?"

"Yeah."

"No. I did."

Surprised, Logan turned his head to study James, but James was back to staring out the window. "You cook?"

"Not very well. But yeah, I cooked for me and Dad. Cleaned the house. That sort of thing."

"Why didn't he?"

"How does that spy game work?"

"James, don't change the subject. Please."

"Do I just see something and tell you the color?"

Realizing that James wasn't going to give up anything else for the moment, Logan sighed. "Yeah. I'll go first." He chose the first thing that came to mind and said, "I spy something brown."

"Okay. So now what?"

"You just keep guessing until you get it right."

"Oh, that's way easier than the other game."

With a smirk, Logan replied, "It's harder than you think."

"Okay, let me see."

James spent the next thirty minutes guessing, staring at everything outside the car and even twisting in his seat to examine the inside of the car. Each time he came up wrong.

"This is bullshit! I've named every single thing in our sight and you're telling me I'm wrong. You're cheating!"

"I am not cheating," Logan said calmly. "One thing about me, I never cheat."

"Then is it something you saw back when we started playing, and it's gone now?"

"No. It's still right here."

"Logan, I'm telling you, I've looked at everything. Even our clothes. Is it the leftover hot fudge in the bag?"

"Nope."

"Look at you, so proud of yourself over there."

It was true, Logan was smug as he smiled and licked his lips.

"There's nothing else, dude. I've looked at everything."

"Ready to give up?"

"No, I am not ready to give up! Let me...hang on, one more look around..."

Logan waited patiently while James surveyed their surroundings again, even pulling down the visor to make sure he hadn't missed anything.

"Okay, fine. I give up. What the hell is brown that I'm not seeing?"

Nodding his head toward the visor, Logan said, "Look in the mirror."

"The what? I-" James' jaw dropped when his eyes settled on himself. "My hair. Are you kidding me? You're talking about my hair?"

"Told you you'd never guess."

"That's cheating!"

"How is that cheating?"

"I can't see it!"

"So? It's not about what you can see, it's about what I can. That's why it's called I Spy."

"Cheating," James muttered. "That has to be cheating."

"Don't be a sore loser. Normally I'd go again, because I won, but since you're such a crybaby I'll let you go next."

"You're going down, Mr. I'm-Not-a-Cheater-But-I-Really-Am."

Logan giggled, suddenly amused by the entire situation.

"What's so funny?"

"I don't really know. I just..." He giggled again, great bubbles of laughter welling up from his stomach.

"Dude, are you having an episode?"

"No, I just...I can't..."

Then he was off again, and somehow James' genuine concern only made him laugh harder until he was forced to pull off the road and continue to the point where tears were streaming down his face and his stomach was cramping.

"You're scaring me, Logan."

"I'm sorry. Oh god, I'm sorry." After a few more eruptions, Logan reached into the console for a tissue and wiped his eyes. "I don't even know why I'm laughing. That's...a little scary."

"A lot scary. Seriously, are you okay?"

"I am. I actually feel better than I have since...I don't even know. I always thought that whole 'laughter is the best medicine' saying was bull, but maybe there's something to it. I feel good right now."

"That's great. You should laugh more often. Just not...wow, that was creepy."

"It's creepy that I laughed?"

"Only because you never do. Which is why you should, because otherwise you have a fit like that and risk our lives."

"We were never in danger, James. Relax." Logan rubbed the tissue over his eyes again, taking in a deep breath and letting it out.

" _You're_ telling _me_ to relax?"

"That's kind of funny, right?" Logan grinned.

"I think you're getting loopy," James said slowly. "Why don't we pull over at the next stop and you can sleep for a little bit?"

"No, we're not stopping for sleep until we make it to Belle Fourche tonight. They have a place there specifically for drivers to park and rest."

"How about we stop for sleep when you need it?"

"I'm fine. I don't need sleep." To prove his point, Logan shifted the car into gear again and pulled onto the road.

"When's our next stop?"

"About a half hour, if traffic stays like this."

"We'll stop there and you can sleep, okay?"

"James, I'm not sleeping! It's not even four o'clock in the afternoon!"

Glancing at the clock on the dashboard, James replied, "Yes it is. Man, you really are tired."

"We crossed into a new time zone; that's an hour ahead now."

"I don't care, you need sleep. How much did you sleep last night?"

"I went to bed at a decent hour."

"That's not what I asked, Logan. How much did you actually sleep?"

"Enough."

"Doubt it. You probably laid awake all night worrying about getting to L.A. on time and having to make new friends and scared Kendall was going to ditch you and then there was me, the unknown passenger. You didn't know what to expect from me, and that was probably the worst thing of all."

"You know, James," Logan said through gritted teeth, "just because we've been in a car together for hours upon hours, that doesn't mean you know me."

"So I'm wrong? You didn't lay awake thinking about all of that?"

"Isn't it your turn to make me guess what you're spying?"

"Exactly," James smirked. "Every time I'm right, you change the subject."

"Like you don't do the same?"

"We're talking about you right now."

"Seems like that's all we ever do."

"My point is that you didn't sleep well and it makes sense that you're tired now. You need to get a little sleep. Just an hour or so."

"I don't."

"If it was me driving, you'd tell me the same thing. You're the one so worried about safety."

With an internal sigh, Logan's shoulders slumped. "I just want to get there."

"So do I. But if you can't stay awake, we won't get there at all."

Reminded of his mother's accident, in which a driver had fallen asleep at the wheel to crash into her, Logan bit his lip. "You can keep me awake by playing with me. Tell me what you spy."

After a long look at Logan, James did.


	7. Chapter 7

They ended up driving another full hour before stopping for gas in what appeared to be a close-to-deserted town, James failing to guess what Logan spied each time and Logan only losing the game once. After stops at the restroom and more snacks for James, Logan returned to the pumps and filled the tank while James stood nearby checking his phone.

"You want to call your mom?" James asked.

"No, I'll just text her. She's probably already at Kendall's for the party."

"They're having a party without you? Assholes."

"It's just a dinner for Kendall," Logan shrugged. "It was a sudden thing."

"Still, they could've done it last night for both of you."

"It's no big deal."

The pump shut off and Logan returned the nozzle to its place. "You ready?"

"Actually, I forgot something. Can I grab a candy bar?"

"I think you've had enough sugar for the day."

"Fine, how about a piece of fruit? I saw they had a basket inside."

"That much I'll allow." Logan dug a bill from his pocket and held it out to James. "I expect the change back."

"Yes, Mr. I-Don't-Trust-the-Pretty-One."

"Stuff it, Mr. I-Have-a-Nickname-For-Everything."

"Oh, that's just lame. Give it up, dude."

As James walked toward the store, Logan called out, "I'm going to move the car so I'm not blocking any pumps. Don't take forever."

James glanced back to stick his tongue out, Logan rolling his eyes. "Five years old, I swear."

Two minutes later he'd parked the car in a slot along the front of the store and texted his mother, who promised to tell Kendall he was doing well. He smiled as he read that reply, focused on his phone so that when James sat in the passenger seat just long enough to grab the keys from the ignition before hopping back out of the car, it took Logan a second to realize what had happened.

"What the...James, what the hell?" Logan stepped out of the car, furious as he stared at James over the roof.

"You need sleep."

"Are you...give me the keys. Now."

"No. Not until you sleep for an hour."

"Give me the keys!" Logan yelled.

"No!" James shouted back.

Logan rounded the hood of the car, eyes blazing with angry disbelief. James lifted his hand high above his head, the keys effectively out of reach.

"This isn't funny, asshole! Give me my keys!"

"I don't want to die, Logan, and you don't either. Sleep and you can have them back."

Logan made a sudden lunge for them, his fingers scraping the keys before James stepped further away and held them behind his back. "I mean it. Go lay down."

"I'll call the cops. I'll call them right now and tell them you're stealing my car."

"I'm not stealing your car, dude. I won't even drive it, you can sleep in the driver's seat. Please, just rest your eyes for an hour."

"We're losing daylight."

"So what? We can get a motel if you're worried about driving in the dark."

"I'm not spending a night in a motel, that'll set us back at least six hours. I need to get there, just give me my-" Logan made another lunge, this time his arms reaching around James' waist but he wasn't fast enough; James raised the keys above his head again.

"I hate you! Give me my keys!"

When Logan jumped for them again, almost successful this time, James stepped further back and opened his waistband to drop the keys down his pants. Logan's jaw dropped, and James' grin was triumphant because he knew Logan wouldn't cross that boundary.

"Go ahead, cowboy. Get the keys."

"You are...I can't believe you...I'm supposed to touch those after they've been in your pants?!"

"If you want to get to L.A., you'd better. I knew that was the one place you'd never go. Now sit in the car, tip your seat back, and close your eyes. I promise to wake you in an hour."

"I should drive you right back to that diner and leave you there with Debbie."

"But that would set you back three hours. Six, because you'd have to drive back here. Logan, come on. Stop being a baby about this and just close your eyes."

"You're getting bread and water for dinner, I swear. Just wait." Logan spun and trudged toward the car, still fuming. James waited until he'd climbed into it and closed the door, then approached. Once inside, he turned to Logan.

"The keys stay in my pants until my alarm goes off. Though if you want to dig for them, by all means, go ahead and-"

"Fuck you. You know I'll never do that."

"I do."

"And do you also realize I'm so angry that I won't sleep at all?"

"Possibly. But it's worth a shot."

"I hate you."

"I know, and that makes me sad because you were finally starting to like me. But...sorry. It had to be done."

"Wake me in an hour or I make you spend the rest of the trip in the trunk."

"You won't have to. Just try to relax."

"Just try to shut the fuck up."

James whistled. "I bet your mother wouldn't even recognize you with that mouth."

"Don't ever think we're gonna be friends after this, James. Once we hit L.A., it's like we never met."

"Yeah," James said softly. "I know. I didn't expect anything different."

Logan chose to close his eyes and shut out the sadness in James' tone. He couldn't have cared any less about James' feelings than he did in that moment.

* * *

Though Logan had been positive he wouldn't sleep a wink in his anger, he opened his eyes fifty minutes later feeling rested and rejuvenated. A voice speaking in low tones drifted in through the open passenger window, where he could see James standing with his back to the car.

The keys had been slid into the ignition, and for one wild second Logan considered driving away alone. He could ship James' belongings to Kendall's house and make sure Kendall relayed the location to James, and he'd never have to see James again-never have to hear an insulting nickname or be pressured into kissing, never have another panic attack because James was "trying to help."

Two things stopped him from doing that: one, the memory of James explaining that he'd given up all of his money in hopes it would keep children from starving; and two, the fact that when he glanced out the window at James now, he saw a tall, strong young man who was hunched in on himself and looking as if the world had beaten him down.

Logan closed his eyes again and pretended to still be asleep, straining to listen to the words James spoke to someone on the other end of his phone.

"What did he say? Did you tell him anything? Okay. Thanks. You didn't tell Kendall, did you? Good. He'd definitely tell Logan, and I already know how that would end. I just have to make it through tonight and I'm good. I'm so close, Shelly, I just know it's gonna happen for me. Well, if it doesn't, I'll figure something out. No, I'm not going back. I've lived my whole life with that and I'm done. I deserve better. I know. Logan told me that, too, that I deserve to be happy. He's right."

There was a longer pause while James listened to whatever Shelly was saying, and then said, "He's okay. Really uptight, but I think I'm starting to wear him down. Yes, you've seen him; he's gorgeous. Of course I didn't tell him that! I did say he was cute, but I think if I told him how much I want him, he'd flip out. He's got this thing, as soon as a person shows interest, he freaks and can't talk to them. He's finally relaxing with me and I don't want to ruin that. Ha, I wish. He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with me once we reach Hollywood, so...I know. Shelly, I know, okay? Get off my back. I have more important things to worry about right now. I have to go, I'm supposed to wake him up in a few minutes."

Logan tuned out the rest, trying to relax because of course his body was now tense and the urge to drive away was stronger than ever. He'd had no idea James was honestly attracted to him. James was a better actor than Logan could have imagined.

What was it James didn't want him to know, though? What was so important about tonight? Why couldn't this have just been a normal drive across the country with a trustworthy person who wasn't hiding secrets?

The car shifted when James lowered himself into the passenger seat. Logan tensed up again, waiting to be "woken," but long seconds of silence passed until he couldn't take it anymore. He slowly opened his eyes, pretending to be waking from sleep, in time to catch James staring down at him with an expression not of hunger or desire but something like yearning mixed with sadness. The moment James realized Logan was awake, his face went blank before adopting a hesitant smile.

"Hey. Still hate me?"

Logan wanted to. It would be so much easier if he could remain angry with James.

Instead he lifted his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes before tilting the seat up, wondering how to act. It still scared him that James thought he was gorgeous (and how _that_ was possible, Logan would never understand-him, gorgeous?), but James had in no way let on that he was attracted at that level and had in fact said to Shelly he wouldn't.

Of course, he'd also suggested a motel room for the night.

"Logan? Talk to me. If you're going to kick me out, do it now so that-"

"Be quiet for a second and let me think. And grab me a hand wipe from the glove box."

James did, passing it over quickly and chuckling when Logan used it to wipe down the set of keys. "Can't have my cooties anywhere near you, can we?"

"Not if we can help it," Logan answered lightly. "Putting them down your pants was low, James."

"It worked, didn't it? Are you really gonna tell me you don't feel better after sleeping?"

Refusing to answer that, Logan instructed, "Use the restroom again before we leave. And no shoplifting this time."

"It was one time, Logan, do you have to keep bringing it up? I said I was sorry and I said I wouldn't do it again. If I promise something, I mean it."

"Okay. Go on, then."

James opened the car door and set one foot on the ground before slowly turning back to face Logan. "You're not...you wouldn't just leave me here, right?"

There was real terror in those bright hazel eyes, and Logan knew in that moment he couldn't do it. He shook his head slowly. "I still have to beat your record in Twenty Questions, right?"

"Right," James replied, but the smile he offered was forced and Logan wondered if James knew how close he'd come to doing just that.

"I promise, James. I won't abandon you, as long as you don't do anything dishonest again."

James nodded, obviously still insecure, but then stood up and closed the door. "Want anything? I still have the change from my apple."

"No. I'll be in to use the restroom in a minute."

"Okay."

Logan watched James disappear into the small store, wondering how such an annoying, moronic little shit had gotten under his skin. He texted his mother to inform her he'd slept an hour, knowing that would relieve her, and then sent a text to Kendall as well.

 _"I hate you for this. Come Thanksgiving, you're dead."_

The answer he received was a smiley face with a tongue sticking out, and Logan sighed as he headed into the store.

* * *

"I know you're still mad at me about the keys."

They'd ridden in an awkward silence after leaving the gas station, James apparently reaching his breaking point twenty minutes later when he spoke. When Logan showed no sign of having heard him, he added, "I get why you're mad, but I don't regret it. You needed it."

"I'm actually not mad about that anymore," Logan admitted.

"You're not?"

"No."

"Good."

After another agonizing two minutes of quiet, James asked, "How come?"

"Because you were right. I wasn't as tired as you made me out to be, but I was getting there. I needed a break."

"Yeah."

The silence stretched out for five more miles, Logan feeling the torture it was putting James through but making no move to end it.

"Want to play a game?" James finally asked hesitantly.

"No."

"Okay."

The fact that James was near tears, that he was trying so hard to hide it, was what broke Logan. "I want to talk about you."

"Me?" James' face swung toward Logan.

"Yes. Tell me why you can't go back home."

"I can," James hedged. "I just don't want to."

"What's so bad about it?"

James blinked a few times while pondering his answer. "I hate my dad."

Having expected the issue to be James' mother, Logan raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Your dad? What about your mom?"

"What about her?"

"I thought she was the one you had a problem with."

"She's not around enough for me to have a problem with."

Logan nodded slowly, glancing over to see that James was once again staring out his window. His arms were crossed over his chest, bulging biceps obvious now that he'd removed the jacket and tossed it into the back. Even though his face and voice were devoid of expression, Logan felt the tension in his body language.

"What's so horrible about your dad?"

"Nothing I want to talk about with a stranger."

That was an unexpected blow that almost felt like a punch to the gut, Logan shocked at how much the comment hurt. "Right. Sorry."

"I mean, that's what we are, right?" James asked in an accusatory tone, turning to study Logan. "Isn't that what you keep saying? We're not buddies or friends, just strangers who don't want anything to do with each other once this is over?"

Unsure which answer would get James to open up, Logan shrugged. "Doesn't mean we can't talk. Aren't you the one who said it's easier to talk to someone you'll never have to see again? Someone who can be objective?"

"Then why won't you talk to me?"

"I have. I told you about my social anxiety, about my panic attacks, about my dad. And that's more than even Kendall knows."

"Why _did_ you tell me about that?"

"I guess...the truth is, I don't know why I told you. I opened my mouth to deny everything you were saying, and before I knew it I was spilling it all."

James bit his lip before offering, "We're even on that. I never told anybody about the starving kids."

"What?"

"I told Shelly about being screwed out of my money, but I didn't tell her why I went ahead and did it even though I thought it might be a scam."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I guess it's easier to let people think you're stupid than showing you've got heart."

"Surely Shelly knows you've got heart. She's known you since you were thirteen."

"She does, she just...I don't know. I don't like to show people that I'm vulnerable."

"Nobody does, James. We all have our weaknesses and we don't want anyone to know about them, because that gives them the power to hurt us."

"Yeah. That's why I don't tell my dad much, if I can help it. He'd use it against me."

Logan's gaze narrowed on James before returning to the road. "Why would your own father want to hurt you?"

James snorted, but there wasn't a hint of amusement behind the sound as he turned his face toward the window again. "I've been asking myself that all my life."

For the first time, Logan experienced an urge to initiate physical contact with someone. His mother had hugged him plenty, Kendall had cuddled him when he was upset, but never had he made the first move. His hand strayed from the wheel and toward the other side of the car, inching closer to James' hand that was at rest on his thigh, and when he understood what he was about to do, he snatched his hand back to the wheel in a hurry. Panicked, he glanced at James and was relieved to find that James' focus was still on the scenery; James was unaware of the movement or the fact that Logan had come dangerously close to holding his hand.

Deciding he'd pried enough about James' father for the time being, he did the next best thing—offered more about himself. "When I was nine, my mom was in a car accident and almost died."

James blinked in surprise at the confession, turning his body slightly to face Logan.

"She was in a coma for a few weeks. She was all I had, other than grandparents I hardly knew, and I thought she was going to die. I prepared myself for that, decided I would never love again or trust again because...when you do, and you lose that person...it's the worst thing in the world."

"But she didn't die," James said softly.

"No, she didn't. She lived. And the doctors all said she would never walk again, except for Dr. Jet. He told me that if she really wanted it badly enough, she would do it. And she did. She came back to life for me, basically. Because she knew I'd be alone."

"What about the grandparents?"

"They would've taken me in, but..." Logan cleared his throat against the tears that threatened. "They didn't know me. She wasn't on good terms with them and they only came out because she'd been in the accident. She didn't want me to live with them, so she worked hard to recover. Dr. Jet was pretty much my hero. I decided to become...well, basically him. That's why it's so important to me that I do this, that I get out there and become that doctor who will make a difference in someone's life the way Dr. Jet did in ours."

"And that's why you don't allow yourself to love. Or even to touch. Because if you care for someone and they disappear on you..."

Logan shrugged. "I purposely don't analyze that part of myself too closely. I analyze everything else in the world, but not myself."

"Kendall got through, though. He got through your wall."

Nodding, Logan chuckled. "Probably because he used a battering ram to break it down. He was relentless."

"He knew you'd be worth it."

"I think it's more that he loves a challenge," Logan smirked. "And I was certainly that."

"If that's all it was, he would've moved on by now. He knew, Logan. He saw that you were special."

"Don't make it more than it is, James. He felt sorry for me."

"I'm sure he did, but you can feel sorry for someone without getting involved. I feel sorry for the starving kids in Africa but you don't see me going over there to feed them."

"No, you just give all your money to a random guy who claims to have starving children."

"That part was real. You can't convince me otherwise."

"I'm not trying to. My point is that you did do something about those you feel sorry for, even if it was on a smaller scale. That's what Kendall did."

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that you _are_ special? That you're attractive and anybody would be lucky to have you?"

"I don't know. Maybe...maybe because if I believe that, I have to start letting people in. Opening up to them and making myself vulnerable. Giving them power over my emotions."

"But Logan...okay, look, I'm gonna be totally honest with you here, and if it freaks you out...too bad." James completely twisted sideways in the seat so that he was leaning back against the door, the seat belt strained around his hips.

"I'm driving, don't do anything that-"

"I'm not gonna _do_ anything. I'm just gonna talk."

"God help me."

"Someone has to." Crossing his arms over his chest and allowing his eyes to roam over Logan's body, he began, "I don't give my dad power over my emotions at all."

"Liar."

Shocked into being distracted from his point, James' eyes widened as he asked, "Excuse me?"

"You're lying. You hate him, that's emotion."

"Sort of, I guess, but-"

"Not just sort of, James. All the way. Because if he had no power, you'd feel indifferent toward him."

"Can you stop changing the subject?"

"You're the one who brought up your dad."

"Okay, I know, but I was making a point about you. I don't let my dad into my heart, but that doesn't stop me from opening it to others."

"Yes, it does."

"It does not! How can you-"

"How many flings have you had, James?"

"What does that have to do with-"

"Why can't you get a steady girlfriend? Or boyfriend, whatever. Why are they all flings?"

"Because none of them were worth the hassle of being more than that."

"What does it take for someone to be worth it?"

"I don't know, we're not talking about me right now. We're supposed to be talking about you."

"Then quit using yourself as an example. I think I know where you're going with this, but if you're trying to say that I should follow your lead and allow people in, that doesn't work because you're just as bad at it as I am."

"Bullshit. I'm not afraid to let someone touch me or make out with me."

"But none of them last, James. Not one has made it past your wall. You're just as afraid to let someone in and trust as I am. Probably because both of your parents have hurt you."

"You don't know a thing about my parents."

"I know enough to have figured that out. So don't lecture me about opening up to someone when you can't even do it yourself."

James stared intently at Logan before saying, "You're just trying to take the focus off you."

"I'm trying to tell you that we're not so different. Sure, you'll let anyone put their hands on you. But how many have left an imprint?"

"Oh yeah? Well, at least I'm not afraid of a compliment!"

"Calm down, I didn't mean to put you on the defensive. We both fail when it comes to feelings."

"I told you, I express my feelings through-"

"By becoming someone else. Because that's easy. What's hard is being yourself and living your life when all it does is cause you pain."

James blinked at Logan rapidly in succession before turning to face the front again. "I don't think I want to talk to you right now."

"I know," Logan sighed. "And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just want you to understand that I'm not the only one with trust issues here."

When James didn't offer any kind of reply, Logan gave up—but only for the time being.


	8. Chapter 8

They spent an hour playing games, neither of them able to break James' record of six questions but James managing to guess all of Logan's I Spy objects. The first drops of rain fell about an hour after that, during a comfortable silence that hadn't been broken by either of them since their last round of Twenty Questions.

"Knew that was coming," Logan sighed.

"What?"

"It's raining."

"Oh. Yeah. How did you know it was going to?"

"We've been driving toward the storm for awhile now. You didn't notice the heavy gray clouds?"

"I did, but I didn't think much of it."

Logan nodded, flipping on the windshield wipers as the drops became bigger and more frequent. "Too busy thinking about everything I said?"

"Maybe. Are you gonna freak out?"

"About what?"

"The rain. Do you freak out about driving in the rain?"

"I've done it before."

"That's not an answer."

"I'm fine, James," Logan replied, annoyance burgeoning.

"I'm just saying, if you need to stop for the night, there's a town coming up soon. I'm hungry anyway."

"That's nothing new. And I'm not stopping for the night. Why are you so intent on getting me in a motel room?"

"What? You make it sound sleazy. I just want us to get to L.A. safe. And if it's gonna keep raining like this..."

"It's not raining hard; this is just a sprinkle."

"Okay."

Ten minutes later, it was more than "just a sprinkle" and Logan was forced to slow the vehicle to a thirty-miles-per-hour crawl.

"Just pull over, Logan."

"I want to make it to the next town."

"At this rate, the next town is gonna be like two hours. You can barely even see the road. Please, Logan, I see gas stations and restaurants out there, just stop and let the rain pass."

Groaning in frustration, Logan jerked the wheel to the right to take the offramp.

"You hate it when I'm right, don't you?" James smirked.

"Only when I can't ignore that fact."

The smirk widened into a bright grin, James proud of himself. "Look, there's a place right there that will probably serve me pancakes."

"Pancakes? It's 8:30 in the evening."

"There's never a bad time for pancakes, dude."

Shaking his head, Logan turned into the restaurant's parking lot and pulled into a row of spots. "Make sure you grab your jacket."

"Yes, Mr. Always-Prepared-For-Anything."

Logan reached behind his seat to snag a hoodie he'd stowed there what seemed like days ago, but was actually just that morning. He shoved it down over his shirt and lifted the hood over his head. Watching James slide into the black leather, he teased, "Your hair's gonna get wet."

"Yeah, your whole body's gonna get wet in that thing. You'll be soaked by the time we get to the door. Don't you have a heavier jacket?"

"It's packed."

"I thought you were always prepared."

"I made sure to put it in the suitcase on top so that I can grab it easily if I need it."

"Mm-hm. And where's that suitcase now that you had to rearrange everything?"

Logan opened his mouth, then closed it. "Damn."

"Exactly. Bottom of the pile, right?"

"It's your fault for making me have to shuffle everything around."

"Don't blame me for your lack of preparedness, Mr. Boy Scout. You ready? I have to piss."

"Always so classy," Logan sighed, opening the car and stepping out into a heavy downpour. What he wanted was to stand there and stretch, but the rain forced them both to run toward the entrance and once they stopped inside the restaurant's lobby, Logan was indeed soaked.

"Ha! Told you you'd be all wet."

"You look like a wet puppy dog with all that hair plastered around your face," Logan retorted.

"Good thing I don't need to impress anyone right now, isn't it?" He pulled the inner door open and gestured Logan through politely.

"Wow, Mr. Uncouth does have manners."

"Can you at least use words I understand when you insult me?" James asked as he followed Logan inside.

Logan stepped up to the podium with a smirk, loving that he at least had that edge over James. They were approached by a blonde who was tiny in every attribute except what was probably James' favorite, and Logan gave a mental sigh knowing what was coming.

Sure enough, the moment her deep blue eyes settled on James, she was enamored. "Two, please," Logan said before James could get started.

"Of course. Right this way."

Her gaze strayed from James only when she turned away to lead them to a booth, and Logan heard James chuckle behind him. "Even as a wet dog, I'm hot. Good to know," he said quietly.

Logan spun back to whisper, "Don't make me puke."

He slid into his side of the booth while James remained standing. "Where might the restroom be, beautiful?"

"Oh my god," Logan said under his breath, reaching for a menu while resigning himself to another round of flirting.

"Let me walk you there," the hostess smiled. "Look at you, all wet. Poor thing. Follow me and we'll get you fixed up."

James grinned before following, calling back, "Order me a coke, Logan!"

"Yeah, yeah. How about I order you an STD test while I'm at it?" he muttered. He was surprised by the quick appearance of a waiter, and for that he was grateful—at least a male wouldn't flirt with James.

Then again, that might not stop James.

The tall blond offered Logan a warm smile. "Hi. I'm Todd, I'll be your server tonight. Are you dining alone?"

"No, my friend's in the restroom."

"Oh. Should I come back?"

"We can at least order drinks. I'll have water and he wants a Coke."

"Coming right up. Anything else I can start you with?"

"No, thanks, we're—wait." Logan glanced up, meeting warm green eyes that matched the smile. "Do you serve breakfast right now?"

"Not normally, no. But I could make it happen for you. What was it you were interested in?"

"Pancakes."

"Just a side or a full breakfast meal?"

"Uh...I'm not sure yet. But you can definitely do pancakes? I'll pay extra if I need to."

"No need. I'll take care of you."

"Thanks."

"Anything you need, just ask." After offering another smile, Todd turned away to head toward the kitchen.

Logan checked his phone, finding texts from both his mother and Kendall, as well as a voicemail from Dr. Jet. He grinned and listened to that, the encouraging voice doing wonders for his motivation to get to his destination. He made a mental note to call both his mother and Kendall once James returned and they'd given their orders.

Where was James anyway? Logan leaned out of the booth to check the hostess station, and sure enough it was abandoned. If James was making out with her in some bathroom somewhere, he'd-

Just then he spied James returning, having obviously used the comb and possibly even a hand dryer on his hair as it had lost the wet puppy look.

"Really?" Logan asked as James settled in.

"What?"

"You styled your hair?"

"I just dried it a little and combed it. You noticed?" Once again, a hand went to the strands to primp. "It looks good?"

"Who do you have to impress?"

"Please, you saw the way she was flirting with me. Oh, and who's this tall drink of handsome?"

Logan glanced behind for a second before answering. "That's Todd, he's our waiter, and if you flirt with him, I won't buy you dinner. One's enough and I'd like to get out of here at a decent hour."

"Promise we'll wait until the rain dies down?"

"Not if it doesn't in the next hour. That's all I'm willing to waste here."

"Food is not a waste. Neither is rest, you're probably tired because you're getting cranky again."

"Don't tell me—"

Logan's words cut off at the approach of Todd, which Logan sensed by the sudden flirty grin on James' face. Glancing up, he smiled politely at Todd.

"I spoke to the cook and he said pancakes aren't a problem."

"Thank you, Todd."

"Pancakes?!" James exclaimed. "You asked about pancakes for me? Aww, you do love me."

"Love is a strong word, James."

James only grinned, opening the menu to peruse it hungrily. Returning his attention to Todd, Logan asked, "Just as a side?"

"Whatever you'd like. Anything you need."

"Thank you. We'll order in a few minutes."

"Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be around."

The moment Todd had disappeared, James commented, "I'm so hungry! I can order anything?"

"Within reason, yes. Don't order the entire menu."

"As long as I get pancakes, I'm good." Shrugging out of the jacket, James settled in for a closer inspection of the menu.

Logan quickly decided on a chicken salad with a side of fruit, knowing James would tease him for it but not caring. He waited patiently for James to make up his mind, then not-so-patiently when James kept changing it.

"Will you just pick something? I have to use the restroom and you're holding me up."

"Just go."

"Not until we order."

"But it all looks so good!"

"Pick something or I'll pick it for you."

"Stop being cranky."

"I'm cranky because-"

Feeling eyes on him, Logan let his gaze roam the room until settling on Todd, who was watching them from the front counter.

"Oh look, our waiter's getting irritated. Did you decide?"

"Yes."

Logan nodded at Todd, who said something to the hostess before walking toward them.

"Wait, no."

"James, just pick something."

"It's just that-"

"Hi," Todd smiled. "You ready?"

"Yeah," Logan replied. He placed his order and then looked at James, who was frowning in concentration over the menu. "He'll have a side of pancakes, the bacon grilled cheese with fries, and an order of mozzarella sticks."

James gaped at him from across the table, but Logan ignored it.

"I'll have that ready as soon as possible. Do you want the mozzarella sticks first?"

"Yes, please. Thank you."

The moment Todd stepped away, Logan slid out of the booth. "I'll be back."

"Where are you going?"

"I told you, I have to use the restroom." He stepped away but was halted when James reached out to grab his wrist. "What?!"

"How did you know that's what I was gonna get? I had literally just decided on that exact meal."

Logan smirked before leaning down to whisper in James' ear. "Because I'm smart." With a grin, he sauntered off in search of the restroom. It felt good to be the one with the upper hand for once.

He was passing the counter on his way back to the table when Todd caught his attention. "Hey."

"Is there a problem with the pancakes?"

"No. I was just wondering, are you guys passing through?"

"Oh. Yes. Just stopped to refuel."

"Are you sure you want to do that? This storm isn't going to let up until morning."

Logan's stomach dropped. "I was going to check the forecast while I ate. Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's actually supposed to get worse over the next three hours."

"Damn. Well...thanks for letting me know."

"There's a motel across the street. It's not big, but it's comfortable. My aunt runs it. If you need to stay the night."

"Oh, I don't want to do that. We need to keep driving. But uh...thanks."

"Think about it, okay? People die out there when it storms like this. And I can get you a discount if you stay there."

"I...uh...I'll keep that in mind."

"Do that. If you have any questions about the town or...anything else at all, just ask."

"I appreciate that. Thank you, Todd."

Logan nodded before continuing to the table, groaning when he caught the smug expression on James' face that was turned to watch him approach. "What?"

"Dude, that guy is so flirting with you."

"What? Who?"

"Our waiter. I could tell by his body language, what was he saying?"

"Todd?" After returning to his seat, Logan shook his head. "Nothing like that, he was just telling me the storm's going to get worse and that we shouldn't drive in it."

"Ohhhhhh. Trying to get you to hang out for the night, eh?"

"Stop it, it wasn't like that! All you think about is sex, I swear. Not everything is about sex."

"Yes, Logan, it is. Maybe not for you, but for the rest of the population. I'm telling you, he's flirting with you. You should kiss him."

Exasperated, Logan argued, "I'm not kissing him! I don't even know him! He's just being a polite waiter and if nothing else, trying to increase his tip. Why do you have to make everything about-"

"Because if I don't tell you, you'll never know. You're gorgeous, okay? I played it down earlier but there's something about your smile and your eyes and if you dressed differently and styled your hair, you'd have both sexes falling at your feet the way I do. I know your goal is to chase people away, but fuck, Logan. Turn on the charm and you'd be at my level when it comes to attracting people." When he noted that Logan had tensed up, James added, "Don't freak out. I'm not gonna attack you or anything, I wouldn't do that to you. But quit ignoring it when someone is interested or you'll never get a date."

"I don't want a date."

"Do it for your mom. She wants you to date. I bet Kendall does, too."

"So I should live my life for others?"

"No, Logan," James sighed. "That's not what I'm saying. Live it for you, but _live_ it. You're missing out on so much amazing stuff. At least a kiss, let the guy kiss you so that by the time you get to college, you'll know how to do it."

"I've told you, my focus in college will be on-"

"One kiss, Logan. Just one kiss. What can it hurt?"

Just then Todd set down a plate of breaded cheese and asked, "Is there anything else I can get you? Refills on the drinks?"

Noticing that Logan's face was red and he was rigid, James replied, "That would be great. Thanks." After Todd moved away with their half-empty glasses, James complained, "So now you're not going to even look at him again?"

"I can't. He looks like Kendall and it weirds me out that he was flirting with me."

"Kendall?" James craned his head around before nodding. "You're right, he does resemble him a little. But so what? Kendall's a good-looking dude."

"He's also like a brother to me."

"This guy isn't Kendall."

"You're right, he's a complete stranger."

"One who wants to kiss you."

"He does not! Even if you're right and he does find me attractive, that doesn't mean he wants to kiss me!"

"Bullshit. He's dying to get you alone. Haven't you noticed that he hasn't looked at me even once? Do you know how rare that is? Usually I steal the spotlight wherever I go, but this guy can't take his eyes off you. Come on, Logan, just...okay, how's this? We stay the night, since the storm isn't going to pass, and you let him buy you coffee or a piece of pie? I'm telling you, one inviting glance from you and he'll take the bait. He wants you."

"Shh, he's coming." Logan cleared his throat as the drinks were replaced, face reddening again. James kicked him under the table and he glared across it, murder in his eyes.

"Thanks, Todd," James grinned. "So uh...if we wanted to stay the night, is there a place you'd recommend?"

This time it was Logan who kicked James, but James only continued to smile up at Todd.

"Actually, there is. I was just telling your...friend?"

With a smirk, James nodded. "Yeah, Logan's just a friend. I'm trying to convince him we need to get a room for the night. He's stubborn."

Feeling his blood pressure rise alarmingly, Logan kept his gaze glued to the table.

"Honestly, Logan, you should consider staying," Todd agreed. "The roads really aren't safe."

Logan opened his mouth to say something, but his throat closed up. James nudged him lightly with a foot, and he managed, "I appreciate your concern."

"Right. Well...I'll go check on your food."

Once he was gone, James asked softly, "You okay?"

"Not really."

"You spoke this time. That's an improvement."

"Did you set this up?" Logan suddenly accused, head shooting up to glare at James.

"What? Set what up?"

"Todd. The flirting. It's Debbie all over again."

James picked up a stick of cheese and dipped it into a red sauce. "Who's Debbie?"

"My god, do you retain anything? The waitress in Faulkton. The one you asked to hit on me."

"Oh!" Munching happily on the appetizer, James grinned. "I already forgot about her. But no, this time I had nothing to do with it. I was too busy making out with the hostess to worry about you."

"Making out with the...I knew it! What did you do?"

"Nothing big, we just kissed a little in the bathroom. She wanted it, I wasn't gonna deny her." He swallowed and reached for another stick before shoving the plate closer to Logan. "Have some of these, they're pretty good."

"How can you...?"

"What?"

"Look, I'm not passing judgment here, I'm honestly asking. How can you kiss a perfect stranger? Doesn't it feel weird to you? You know nothing about her, probably not even her name because you don't notice things like that, and-"

"But I'll bet you did. What's her name, Logan?"

"Allison."

"Knew you'd know that. But go on. And I'm serious, try this." Picking up a fresh mozzarella stick, James dunked it before pressing it to Logan's lips.

Logan shoved James hand away. "No, I don't want-"

"Open your mouth."

"No."

"Eat it or I'll tell Todd you want to blow him."

Logan's jaw dropped and James used the opportunity to deposit the stick into his mouth. Having no choice, Logan chewed and reached up to catch the half that was about to fall. "Why are you so persistent? Can you not take no for an answer?"

"Why are you so stubborn? Do you not know how to say yes?"

"You're avoiding the question." After swallowing the second bite, Logan stretched his hand out for another stick of cheese. "Tell me how it's so easy to make out with someone you don't know."

"I don't know, I guess...you just don't think too hard about it."

"But James...this is your body. They could have diseases, they could-"

"I always use a condom. I'm not stupid."

"On your mouth?"

"What?"

"There are diseases that are transmitted through saliva alone. Viruses. Haven't you heard of herpes?"

"Yes, but that's only through sex."

Logan raised an eyebrow, taking a third piece of cheese from the plate. "There are two types of herpes. One is genital, the other is oral."

"Right, but I don't let them come in my mouth."

"No, James. I'm talking about kissing. Exchange of saliva. I can pull it up on the web if you don't believe me."

James blinked a few times, then sat back against the booth. "Are you...you're just messing with me, aren't you?"

"I'm not. I don't joke about germs."

"So...you're telling me that if she had herpes, and I kissed her..."

"Yep. You've now got herpes, too."

"Motherfucker."

"Exactly. Now you know why I'm afraid of intimacy. Even a kiss can kill." Seeing that James was blindsided, Logan felt the need to say, "I'm sorry."

"How am I not dead yet?"

"That's what I want to know. You've been lucky. Though you could be carrying around a virus now and not even know it."

"No wonder you didn't want to share a drink with me."

"Right. You gonna eat that last mozzarella stick?"

"What? No. No, you go ahead."

Logan chewed it ravenously, the greasy treat tasting better than he thought it should.

"Logan, how can you eat at a time like this? I could be dying."

"You're not dying. And if you're smart, you'll get checked at a free clinic once you hit L.A."

"Can't you just test me? You know stuff, right?"

"I don't have the proper equipment, and I haven't been trained. I know the basics of it, but not the practical application."

"Oh my god. I may never kiss anyone ever again."

Logan chuckled, distracted when Todd reappeared to set down their plates. He lifted the empty one to give Todd room, then passed it over.

"I'll bring out your pancakes in a moment, my hands were full."

"It's no problem," Logan smiled, truly studying Todd for the first time. Yes, there were similarities to Kendall, but their noses were different. Kendall's eyes were a lighter shade of green and his chin more square. His hair was longer and his eyebrows thicker. "I'm just grateful you were able to get them for James in the first place."

Noticing that Logan was actually looking at him, Todd lifted an eyebrow while his lips quirked up. "Like I said, anything you need." After winking, Todd turned away to return to the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" James hissed.

"Hmm?" Logan's gaze was following Todd as he walked, noting muscles hidden beneath the white cotton shirt he wore.

"Logan. Stop it. No more flirting."

"Flirting? I'm not flirting." Finally tearing his eyes away and settling them on James, Logan asked, "And isn't that what you wanted? Wait. Did I just flirt? Me?"

"No, not really, but you're not freaking out. Which for you is huge. But you can't kiss him."

"I thought you wanted me to kiss him. What changed?"

"Because now I know about germs! He could be a murderer just waiting to spread his killing germs all over the place."

Amused, Logan laughed. "Now you get it. But it's not going to last, you'll be making out with the next petite blonde who smiles at you."

"No way. I'm traumatized."

"Just eat. Oh look, here come your pancakes."

"Who can eat at a time like this?"

Todd deposited a third plate next to James' sandwich and fries. "Anything else?"

"A few extra napkins would be great, Todd," Logan answered. "Thanks. James, eat your pancakes."

"I'll be back." Without another word, James stood and rushed off.

"Is he okay?" Todd worried.

"He will be. He's just a little freaked out right now."

There was a sudden gust of wind that was almost deafening even through the windows, the power flickering a few times before steadying again.

"Logan...really. Please stay the night. Don't make me lay awake thinking you might be dead in some horrific car crash."

Reminded of the torture he'd suffered through as a child when his mother had almost died, Logan sighed heavily. "I wanted to reach L.A. by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. Staying all night would set us back so much."

"At least stay until the storm passes. Sleep a few hours in a comfortable bed, I can get you guys a room for free if money's an issue."

"It's not, but thank you. I really don't want to waste the time."

"Okay, but...at the risk of sounding extremely forward, would you consider taking my number so you can call me when you get there safely? I know we're strangers, but...the truth is you're not someone I'm going to forget the moment you walk out of here."

Suddenly wishing James was present because the panic was returning, Logan forced himself to remain calm. "Um. I don't give my number out to anyone. I'm sorry."

"That's fine, I'm not asking that. But would you take mine? Call me from a pay phone if you're that uncomfortable with it, just...I want to know you made it safely."

Though Logan wanted nothing more than to slip down and hide under the table, he instead lifted his face to meet the green eyes that were genuine. His gaze trailed down to Todd's lips, and that idea popped up in his head again—what would it feel like to kiss someone?

There was a brief moment when Todd sensed the direction of his thoughts and stepped closer to the table to rest a hand on Logan's, and though it sent his heartbeat into overdrive, Logan resisted pulling his own back. What _would_ it feel like?

"Oh, don't even think about it, buddy," came a low growl from behind Todd, causing Logan to jerk as if slapped and Todd to step back with wide eyes. "I know what you're up to, and you're not killing anyone tonight."

"James, relax. Just sit down."

James closed the distance between himself and Todd, glaring at him menacingly and just taller enough that it worked to scare Todd into backing away.

"That's right, you just keep walking."

"James! Knock it off and sit your ass down. _Now._ Todd, ignore him. He's delirious from lack of sleep."

"I am not! I slept in the car. It's you who's not thinking, who needs to rest because now you're acting crazy."

"James...please." After nodding at Todd in a silent plea to leave them alone, Logan stood up and forcefully shoved James down into the booth. "Sit down and eat your food." After rejoining him, Logan asked, "What has gotten into you?"

"I talked to Allison. She doesn't have herpes."

"You...oh my god, James, did you seriously ask her that?"

"Yes! She got pissy, but I don't care. Why didn't you tell me all this before I kissed her?"

"Because I thought you knew! You _should_ know, this is something everyone should know at our age."

"Well...I didn't. And now you're suddenly Mr. Suave-and-Flirty with the waiter, looking like you want to kiss him. You can't."

"I'm not going to."

"So when we finish eating, we'll drive to the next town and get a room."

"Actually," Logan began, lifting a fork and digging into his salad. "I think we'll just get a room at the place across the street for the night. Or at least a few hours, until the storm passes."

"Oh, because you want to get freaky with Todd?"

"What are you even...James, you were the one who suggested we do this! Remember, we get a room and Todd buys me coffee-"

"Yeah, that's not happening. I don't want him anywhere near you."

"Fine, the truth is I'm not comfortable with that, either. But I think you're right about resting here until the storm dies down. I don't want to end up like my mom."

And that, finally, was enough to get through to James. He deflated, rubbing a hand over his face. "Okay. We'll stay the night."

"Just a few hours."

"Whatever. And I'll make sure I let you sleep."

"Good. Eat your pancakes, they're getting cold."

"Fine."

James slathered butter all over the top pancake, his movements sullen, before drowning the stack in syrup. Rather than counsel James on the dangers of too much sugar, which is what Logan would have normally done, he remained quiet and ate his salad. When Todd hesitantly approached the table ten minutes later, all that remained of James' meal were four fries soggy with ketchup and a piece of crust from his sandwich. Logan had finished most of his salad, pushing the plate aside in favor of the small bowl of fruit.

He nodded at Todd to indicate it was safe to join them.

"Everything okay over here?"

"We're good, thanks. James, did you want any dessert?"

"No," he mumbled, keeping his eyes on his plate.

"I'd like something," Logan smiled. "Can we get a dessert menu?"

"Of course. Are you done with this?" Todd gestured to James' plate.

When James' only answer was a glare up at Todd, Logan nodded. "He is. So am I, you can take this. Thanks."

"Did you call your mom?" James questioned when they were alone.

"Not yet. I'm going to after we check in at the motel. I'm glad it's just across the street, that rain is brutal. Did you need to call yours?"

James shook his head, and as if Logan's words had summoned the woman, his phone vibrated on the table while the word "Mom" flashed across the screen.

"Speak of the devil," Logan joked.

James stared at the phone for a long moment before pressing a button to ignore the call.

"You're not going to answer? She'd probably like to know you're safe."

"Too little, too late," James muttered. When a menu suddenly appeared from a passing waitress, he snatched it and turned to the back page to study the desserts.

Logan smirked, having known James wouldn't be able to resist, and stood up. "Order me a scoop of vanilla ice cream if Todd comes back."

"Where are you going?" James asked suspiciously.

"To the bathroom. Don't disappear on me."

"Where would I go?"

"Who knows what runs through that head of yours?"

Knowing James' back was to the entrance, Logan made his way toward the front counter and caught Todd's eye, beckoning him.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to apologize for my friend. He's..."

"Into you?" Todd grinned.

"What? No! No, it's nothing like that. He's just...he gets wild ideas into his head and...I'm sorry he said those things to you. But I did decide that we'll get a room for a few hours."

"Great! Need me to hook you up with a deal?"

"No, I don't mind paying my way. I just thought I'd let you know, so you don't worry about us driving through the storm."

"I'm glad. And if you need anything...anything at all..."

The tone of Todd's voice had Logan's throat attempting to close up, but he fought it. "Thanks. But we'll be fine."

"Okay. Change your mind, and the motel staff will know how to reach me."

"I'll remember that." Logan smiled and turned toward the restroom, but stopped. "Oh, and if he tries to order me something crazy, all I want is a scoop of vanilla."

"Got it," Todd laughed, tossing in a wink. "I got you covered."

"Thanks."

Logan took his time in the restroom, needing five minutes alone that he wouldn't be able to find over the next twenty hours or so. When he slid into the booth again, it was to find his ice cream partially melted and James stuffing his face with a huge slice of chocolate cake.

"Between that and the syrup, you're going to end up in a sugar coma."

"There are worse ways to go," James joked, then his smile died. "Did you get his number?"

"Who?" Logan dipped a spoon into the ice cream.

"Don't play dumb, I know you were over there flirting with Blondie."

"I was apologizing for your behavior. You were rude to him, James."

"Just looking out for you. And I noticed you didn't answer the question."

Logan could have continued to play dumb, because it was fun to watch James suffer, but he wasn't cruel and never knew what James might do. "I didn't get his number. I turned it down."

"Good. Who knows what his motives are."

Logan chuckled, swallowing another spoonful of ice cream before replying. "It's so funny because fifteen minutes ago, you were encouraging me to sleep with him."

"I said _kiss_."

"You also said earlier I should get laid."

"That was before I knew the dangers." James shuddered, sending Logan into a fit of giggles. "Shut up, it's not funny."

"But it is! I've probably scarred you for life. James...what's your last name?"

"Diamond."

"James Diamond is going to die celibate."

"Let's not get carried away." Having been working his way through the cake as they talked, James forked up the last piece and offered it to Logan. "You've already got my cooties."

"Thanks, but this is enough for me. And now that I've eaten, I'm exhausted. Are you ready?"

"I suppose." James shoved the forkful into his mouth.

"Did you ever call your mom back?"

"Let me worry about my mom."

Once again, speaking her name brought James' phone to life. It buzzed next to his plate, James immediately dismissing the call and standing to pocket the phone. "Let's go. You need sleep."

James stood back from the register while Logan paid the bill, Logan trying to keep a straight face each time Allison sent a glare James' way. He left Todd a rather large tip and considered also leaving a phone number, but the clearing of a throat from behind made the decision for him. He glanced around until he found Todd, mouthing a thank you and smiling at the wink he received in return, and then James was dragging him toward the lobby.

"Got your jacket on?"

"Yes, Mommy," James sneered. "If you'd stop trying to pick up the waiter, you'd have noticed."

"Let it go, I'm not picking anybody up. I still don't like the idea of touching anyone." Catching sight of the flooded lot as James held the door for him, Logan frowned. "Even driving across the street is going to be hell. Ready to run for it?"

"Lead the way, my friend."

Logan lifted the hood over his head and sprinted to the car, which was parked two rows away. Arriving at the driver's side, he dug for the car keys and kept right on digging-his right pocket was completely empty. "No," he muttered. "No! What the...fuck!" He squinted through the window to see if he could spy the keys in the ignition, but the heavy rain and dimly-lit parking lot made it impossible to see clearly inside. "James, I think I left the-"

He glanced around but James was nowhere to be found. Wiping water out of his eyes, he spun back to see James silhouetted under the restaurant's eave and barely deciphered what was called out to him.

"I'm thinking of something!"

"What?" Logan shouted.

"It's made of metal and you really wish you had it right now!"

James lifted an arm to dangle something, and just when Logan was about to explode into profanity he heard the locks click behind him. He quickly yanked the door open and slid behind the wheel, shutting out the cold rain and wiping water from his face again with both hands. An evil side of him he'd never known had him immediately reaching out to engage the locks again.

The passenger door handle was lifted futilely, Logan hearing a muffled "Fuck!" before James once again unlocked the doors. Just as quickly, Logan relocked them, snickering when James yelled his name in frustration.

So began a battle of speed, Logan locking James out each time James punched the button on the remote to unlock the doors. "Let me in, asshole!" James called out, and Logan shouted, "You're the one with the keys!"

Finally Logan hesitated a second too long, and James wrenched the door open to throw himself into it before pulling the door closed. "What the fuck was that, Logan? You think that was funny?"

"It was hysterical. Oh look, wet puppy dog is back."

"Fuck you!"

"That's what you get! Why did you have the keys in the first place?"

"Because if I hadn't grabbed them, we'd be locked out right now. I was waiting to see how long it would take you to notice. You'd be lost without me."

"I think the opposite is true." He held out his hand for the keys, James depositing them neatly into his palm. "But...thank you. I don't know how I left the car without them."

"You were worried about me forgetting my jacket. _Mom_."

"At least put a Mr. before that." Logan turned the car on and blasted the heat. "My seats are soaked now."

"Your fault for repeatedly locking me out."

"Who didn't surrender the keys before I ran out into the rain?"

"Should've grabbed them when you left the car. Where is this motel?"

"I saw it when we drove in. Just across the street."

"I can't wait for a hot shower," James sighed. "And a comfy bed to stretch out on."

"I'll make sure to get us a two-bed room."

"Still afraid of my cooties?" James teased as Logan backed the car out of the stall.

"We'll both be more comfortable with a bed to ourselves."

When Logan checked them in, however, he was told that there was only one room available; of course, it boasted only one bed.

"At least it's a king," James commented as they dropped half of their luggage inside the room.

In the light that spilled from the lamp near the door, Logan could see that it was indeed a large bed. There was also a small television on a dresser and a lone round table with one chair parked under it. A wooden door turned out to lead into a bathroom while another opened to a tiny closet.

"It'll do, I suppose," Logan mumbled, attempting to keep his mind off the fact that he and James would be sharing a bed.

"I'll grab the rest of our stuff," James offered.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

When James dropped the remainder of their bags near the door, Logan was shrugging out of the hoodie to drape it over a wooden hanger attached to a bar in the closet. He watched James walk over to fiddle with the heater before removing his own jacket.

After using a hand towel to pat his face and hair, Logan grabbed one and tossed it to James. "You want the shower first?"

"No, I know you're tired. You go ahead and I'll shower when you're sleeping."

"I still need to call Mom."

"I'm not stopping you." Rubbing the towel over his hair, James suddenly remembered. "Oh, right. I'm not supposed to be here. Well, I promise to be quiet."

"Thanks. Why not call _your_ mom back now?"

James tossed the towel back to Logan before sinking into the chair near the table. "Because I'm having a good night and I don't want to ruin it."

Logan sighed, wondering if he could get James talking once they were in bed together under the cover of darkness. Then again, the thought of lying next to James was enough to bring back his own nerves. He attempted to push it out of his mind while dropping James' towel next to his on the bathroom floor, an act that always made him feel guilty even though it was expected in hotels.

"Look," James began, waiting for Logan to emerge and speaking slowly as if trying to find the right words. "I know you're scared to share a bed with me. I promise I won't try anything, and I'll do my best not to brush against you but I can't control what I do in my sleep. If you'd rather, I can sleep here in this chair."

"No," Logan protested immediately. "That's not fair to you. I wouldn't ask that of you."

"I'm just saying, I want you to get a good night's sleep and if my presence is gonna keep you awake all night, that defeats the purpose of staying here at all. But I'm not even tired, so...I'll wait until you're sound asleep before I lay down, okay? That way you can fall asleep without me making you nervous, and when you wake up again it'll be over."

Biting his lip, Logan couldn't meet James' gaze.

"I won't hurt you," James said softly. "I may not be Kendall, but I promise, Logan-you're safe with me."

"I'm sorry. I hate being like this, being afraid of everything and always overthinking things."

"Well, sometimes it's good to be prepared, right?" James teased, hoping to prod Logan into a smile and happy when it worked.

"It's always good," Logan chuckled.

"I'll tell you what. I'm gonna go back to the lobby and check out that vending machine-" When Logan raised an eyebrow, James blushed. "Can I borrow a few bucks, Logan?"

"Of course. You still have the change from earlier?"

"Yeah, so just a couple of bucks will be fine. But I'll go do that to give you time to call your mom."

"You don't need to leave, you just-"

"It's fine. I'm dying for a pop anyway."

Shaking his head, Logan muttered, "You and your sugar."

"I'm just thirsty. But you take your shower and get settled, and I'll just chill over here until you're asleep. Does that work?"

"That would be great." Touched by the understanding offer, Logan added, "You can watch T.V. if you want. It won't bother me."

That was a lie but as Logan already felt guilty enough for making James feel like a bother, he was willing to sacrifice a little.

"Cool."

Logan dug out his wallet and peeled out a few bills, stepping closer to the table and holding them out to James.

"Want anything?"

"No," Logan replied, "but thanks. I think as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll be out like a light." He hoped so, anyway.

"I'll be back."

James was halfway through the door when Logan spoke again.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

When James glanced back, Logan hesitated but then said, "Don't get lost out there. You got your room key?"

"Got it." With a last wink at Logan, James closed the door on the sound of pouring rain to leave Logan alone with the sound of a muffled storm.


	9. Chapter 9

Logan stared at the bed, remembering James' words to Shelly.

" _He's gorgeous. Of course I didn't tell him that! I did say he was cute, but I think if I told him how much I want him, he'd flip out."_

However, James had also promised not to touch Logan.

 _Can you believe him, though? He's a thief and hiding things from you. He won't even call his mom._

If Logan could just get him talking...

 _Are you sure you want to know everything? Maybe it's best you don't. Ignorance is bliss, Logan, and you can dump him in Hollywood without ever having to involve yourself in his sordid life. You've got your own problems to worry about._

And yet James wanted to help him with those problems. While his meddling with Debbie had been a disaster, Logan couldn't discount that James had honestly been trying. He'd even encouraged Logan to give Todd a chance before learning that kissing could be a hotbed of disease.

 _But of course now I can't stop wondering what it would be like to kiss someone. I kind of hate you for that, James_.

Why wasn't Kendall here? Logan thought if he explained to Kendall what he was feeling, Kendall would do that for him. It would be weird, and Kendall might argue first, but Kendall would do that because he also encouraged Logan to get out and try new things. Why hadn't Kendall ever offered to show him what a kiss felt like?

 _Because Kendall's not attracted to you, and you're not attracted to him. There are some boundaries even friends don't cross. And if Kendall was here now, he'd be telling you to kiss James. Just once, so you can get it out of your head and feel better for having done it._

But James wasn't safe. James wanted him. How was he supposed to spend an entire night in bed with a guy who wanted him?

 _Sleep. That's how. Just sleep, like James said. And when you wake up tomorrow, you can move on like nothing happened. Because nothing will. Trust him, Logan. He may be a stranger, but you've known him long enough to know when he's lying._

Feeling a little better about it, Logan called his mother and set her fears to rest with the knowledge he'd stopped to sleep for the night. Their conversation was short, as he was tired and desperate for a hot shower, but she thanked him for calling and he was relieved to hear her familiar voice in this place where nothing else was.

The shower drained most of his energy, relaxing him so thoroughly that it was an effort to comb his wet hair. Dressed in a clean pair of sweats and an old t-shirt, he turned off the main lamp and left the bathroom light on with the door a few inches open so that James would at least be able to see when he returned, then slid under the covers and rested his head on a fluffy, clean-smelling pillow. It was heaven.

Thinking about Kendall again, he considered calling but knew Kendall had an early flight and was probably already asleep. There was also the fact that Kendall would know immediately he had something on his mind and would wheedle it out of him, most likely talking him into kissing James by the time they'd hung up. It was safer all around to send a quick text.

Kendall of course asked if he was okay, and Logan answered honestly that he was. He was relieved that Kendall didn't press him on that, and they had a short text conversation that relaxed Logan even more—it was true that no matter how far away Kendall was, their friendship would survive.

Setting his phone on the nightstand after saying goodnight, Logan wondered what was taking James so long. Was he just trying to give Logan time to fall asleep? It was cold and raining, and it was only then that Logan realized James had never put his jacket back on before venturing out into the storm. He sat up to see it resting over the back of the chair and was halfway out of bed before forcing himself to lay back down.

 _He's a big boy, Logan. If he wants to freeze, that's his problem. But what the heck is taking him so long? There's nowhere he could've gone, it's a short walk to the lobby and-_

 _Allison._

Of course. Perhaps James had gone to apologize to Allison in hopes of getting lucky. He might even be trying for Todd at this point.

 _Oh well. Let him do what he wants. At least you know he can't take the car, you've got the keys. Unless he came back in while you were showering and..._

Logan sat up once again, letting out a breath when he spied the keys on the nightstand where he'd left them before showering.

 _What if he knows how to break into cars? He could be long gone and-_

 _STOP IT._

That was Kendall's voice in his head.

 _Just stop it, Logan. At some point you have to trust him; look into his eyes and you'll see the truth. He promised to keep you safe and he meant it. Sure, he's a little screwed up, but he's got heart. This is the guy who wired all of his money to a stranger because there was a chance children might be starving, and he couldn't stand the thought of it. Remember that, remember the guy who held you in a public restroom until you could breathe, who refused to let you escape until he knew you were okay. For once in your life, take a risk and trust someone._

Logan swallowed hard, nodding as if Kendall was there to see it. "Okay," he whispered, more afraid than he'd been in a long time. "I'll try. I just wish he would come back."

Though he tried to stay awake and wait, fatigue won the battle and he fell into a doze. When the door clicked open twenty minutes later, he stirred and blinked a few times, groggy but awake enough to know James had returned.

"Where did you go?" he mumbled.

"Sorry, did I wake you? I was trying to avoid that."

"It's fine. You're soaked."

"Nothing a hot shower won't cure. I was trying to give you time to fall asleep." James approached the bed to smile down at Logan. "Someone forgot to remind me to grab my jacket," he teased.

"Yeah, Mommy failed this time," Logan agreed, eyes already heavy. "Go warm up."

"I will. Night, Logan."

"Night," he murmured, quickly relaxing into sleep. He was almost there when he thought he felt a gentle touch to his hair, but rather than cause panic it soothed him. Chilled fingers trailed his cheek while a thumb rubbed over his lips, and then Logan knew no more as sleep finally claimed him as its prisoner.

* * *

Logan came awake violently, disoriented as he sat up in darkness. A phone was blaring rock music from the table, where it vibrated and let off just enough light for him to grope his way to it. By the time he arrived, the offending noise had cut off to leave behind a message on the screen.

 _Missed Call from Shelly_

He rubbed his eyes and sank into the chair, mind still fogged from sleep, and wondered where James was before noting light under the bathroom door and the sound of a shower running.

The time on the phone showed it to be 11:01 P.M., which meant he'd been asleep for about an hour. It felt as if he'd been knocked out for hours, but he attributed that to the heaviness of the sleep he'd been in.

The phone gave off a simple chime and Logan looked down. Shelly's name was once again on the screen, but this time in the form of a text.

" _HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I can officially say that now. Sorry I can't..."_

The remainder of the text was hidden. Logan's jaw dropped slightly, and only feeling a little guilty he slid a finger across the text to open the entire message.

" _HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I can officially say that now. Sorry I can't say it in person, but I hope you're happier wherever you are than you were here. I miss you. Call me so I can sing it to you. Love you!"_

Had he spent an entire day with James and not even known it was his birthday? Logan licked his lips, blinking a few times and realizing that it would be midnight back home, which most likely meant James' birthday was just beginning. Would he even bother to mention it to Logan?

The sound of running water suddenly cut off before Logan's ears picked up a curtain being pulled aside. He debated returning to the bed, but he was wide awake now and curious to see if James would divulge the information. It was another few minutes before the door opened, spilling light out into the room. In the few seconds before James flipped the switch and plunged them into darkness, Logan glimpsed enough to see that he was shirtless with a towel wrapped around his hips and that his hair had been combed.

The sudden lack of light caused James to stand in place by the bathroom until his eyes grew accustomed enough to the dark to move, albeit carefully.

"You can turn on the light, you know," Logan stated, only feeling a tad guilty when James gasped and most likely jumped a mile.

"Shit, Logan! Don't do that! I thought you were asleep."

"I was, but your phone woke me up."

"My phone? I thought I had it on silent."

"Nope."

"I'm sorry. I really thought...oh, wait. I was playing a game, I totally forgot I turned the sound back on. Fuck."

"It's okay." Listening to James fumble around in the dark, Logan urged, "Turn on the light."

"No, this is fine, just need to find my clothes. I didn't expect you to be awake."

"So it's okay to walk around naked as long as I'm asleep?" Logan smirked.

"Well...yeah. It's not like you're gonna notice. I just need to...damn, I thought my small suitcase was...oh, there it is."

Logan's eyes had adjusted enough that he could see a shape moving. He focused on the tall body that was currently bent over an open suitcase and stated, "Shelly says happy birthday."

Just as he'd expected, the shape froze. "Oh."

"Yeah. Is it okay if I say it, too?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" James asked, but it was obvious he was uncomfortable discussing it.

"Because I feel like you wouldn't have told me that otherwise."

"Why would I hide it? It's a special day; you know I would've demanded you buy me cake and ice cream for breakfast."

Logan shook his head. "Somehow I don't buy that. How old are you today?"

James finally found a pair of what was most likely boxers and slid them up under the towel. "Eighteen."

"A legal adult, eh?" Logan smiled.

"Yep. Been waiting forever for this," he admitted.

"So why do you sound like you don't want to talk about it? You should be excited."

James tossed the towel onto the floor, Logan barely refraining from scolding him but keeping his mouth shut for once. "I will be once I get to L.A. That's where my life is going to begin."

"What's so bad about it up to now?"

"You should be sleeping, Logan. I'm sorry my phone woke you up, but—wait. Did you actually talk to Shelly?!"

Intrigued by the panic that idea induced in James, Logan shook his head. "No. She called and then texted, and I saw the message when I came over to shut off your phone."

"Okay." James inhaled deeply before letting out a long breath.

"Come here."

"Where?"

"Here. Follow my voice."

"I can see enough to know where you are. Where are you asking me to go?"

"Just here, sit on the bed and talk to me."

"Can't we just sleep?"

"Sit," Logan commanded, kicking the bed. After another deep sigh, James obeyed and perched on the foot of the mattress, facing Logan from a few feet away.

"I'm not talking about myself," James warned.

"I wish you would. It helps to talk things out, remember?"

"Yeah, if you're trying to solve a problem or get past something. I'm already past my problems, just want to put them behind me. Start fresh. I don't need to think about it anymore."

"What are you running from?"

"Nothing. I've wanted this life for as long as I can remember, to be an actor and make it big in Hollywood. That's all there is to it."

"Except that you won't call your mother and oh, did I mention I also saw four more missed calls from her?"

"It's my business, Logan. Stay out of it."

"Why? You're all over my business."

"Is this about the kissing? You're mad that I kept pushing you so now you're getting your revenge?"

"It's not about the kissing, James. Though I am mad about that."

"Kissing's fun. I'm telling you, you should try it before you get there. What happens when you finally find the girl you want to date, the one you've been waiting your whole life for, and she tries to kiss you but you freeze up because you don't know what you're doing?"

"Maybe you should think less about my love life and more about yours. You're still afraid of commitment."

"Yeah, you know what? It's not that I'm afraid."

"No?" Logan asked with a smirk, lifting a foot to kick James' ankle lightly. "Tell me then, what's the issue?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that I'm waiting for the right person? That I'm trying all these different people because I'm searching for the right one?"

"You'll never find that if you don't give anyone more than a night. You can't expect to learn everything there is to know about someone in a few hours, James. It takes time."

"I'll know it with a kiss."

"Like that guy at the party you made out with all night? You want someone who kisses you the way he did?"

"What's so wrong with that?"

"Nothing, but...James, you can't build a relationship based on a kiss alone. There has to be substance."

Outside, the sky cleared enough to allow moonlight to seep in through a crack in the curtains, making it so that Logan could see one of James' eyes glow with disbelief. "Forgive me for not putting any stock in your love advice. You try kissing someone and then we'll talk."

"Well, I might have if you'd let me give Todd my number."

"That guy just wanted in your pants!"

"That guy was nice. He genuinely cared about my safety and wanted to know I made it to California okay."

"Bullshit. Guys will say anything to get into your pants."

"Not everyone thinks like you, James. Some guys just want a strong protector to keep them safe."

"Well, maybe I want to be that strong protector but haven't found a person worthy of protecting yet. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with playing the field and seeing what life has to offer."

Now the moonlight was playing over James' chest, highlighting a thin column from shoulder to navel but still leaving the rest of him in shadow. Logan watched a lone drop of water fall from James' hair to roll down his chest and over his torso, gaze riveted as it was finally absorbed by the material at James' waist. Struggling to recall what they were talking about, Logan said slowly, "Sometimes you just have to trust."

"The same goes for you," James agreed. "Not everyone who wants to kiss you is out to steal your virginity. Though I still think you need that."

Logan's eyes slid up over muscled abs and a hard chest to settle on lips that were vaguely visible in the dark but discernible enough to be mesmerizing. That curiosity was back in full force, the need to know what it would feel like to have lips pressed against his. Swallowing hard, Logan said softly, "I'm thinking of something."

"You're...oh. Now?"

"Mm-hm." Logan nodded, praying James would get the hint because he didn't know how to ask and wouldn't be able to even if he did.

Something in Logan's tone got through to James, and he slid off the bed to kneel between Logan's legs. Logan's breathing became shallow and he fought the panic, the desire to experience this warring with his fear of intimacy.

"I thought we couldn't use this again, since we already used it today," James said breathlessly.

"Apparently I'm breaking the rules," Logan said tightly, his chest feeling like an anvil was crushing it and the need to escape bearing down on him. "Don't let me run," he whispered, dizziness descending as James leaned closer.

"You're not going anywhere." To prove his point, James wrapped his hands around the arms of the chair, effectively trapping Logan, who closed his eyes as if bracing himself for a blow. "You realize this makes me the king of Twenty Questions forever. I guessed without even one clue."

"Uh huh," Logan managed, his breath coming in sharp pants.

"Relax," James whispered. "You're safe with me. Open your eyes."

"No."

"Breathe."

When Logan's body remained tense and rigid, James cupped his cheek and gently pulled his face closer to plant a soft kiss on the tip of his nose. Surprised, Logan opened his eyes. They were close enough now that even in the dark Logan could see that James meant what he said—Logan was safe with him.

This time when James dipped his face in, their lips met. Logan kept his own closed, but James seemed okay with that. He was somehow both gentle and demanding at the same time, but only in the way that he kept Logan from backing away until Logan stopped fighting it. "You can kiss me back," James urged, but when Logan shook his head James let it stand. Instead, he kissed Logan again until Logan relaxed, allowing James to mold their lips together. When James' tongue attempted to slip in, Logan denied him that and James backed off, but a few moments later his teeth nibbled gently at Logan's lips and Logan's breath caught on a gasp. James gave him a another second to relax before his teeth went to work again, Logan shocked into a quiet groan by his body's reaction to the slight pressure. Taking the sound as invitation, James became a bit more aggressive with the nibbles, and Logan groaned louder as heat suffused his stomach so suddenly that he pushed James away.

After licking his now-tender lips, Logan attempted to get his breathing under control while James carded fingers soothingly through his hair. "You're okay," he promised.

"I know," Logan nodded. "Just...really hot."

"Yeah, that happens," James chuckled. "You like the biting."

"It's...don't..."

"Sorry." James leaned in again to kiss Logan's cheek. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. I actually love it myself. A lot of people aren't into teeth, but...that's something you should explore. When you feel comfortable taking that step."

Logan nodded again, embarrassed by his behavior and unable to meet James' eyes. "I should get some sleep."

"Sure."

Without another word James got to his feet, reaching out a hand to pull Logan up from the chair. "If you decide you want to practice that again..."

"I won't. But...thanks. I appreciate that you tried to help."

"Glad I could be of service," James said lightly. Once Logan was settled under the covers, he asked, "Are you gonna freak if I sleep in the bed? I'll stay on top of the blankets if you want."

"No, of course not. It's too cold for that, come on in." Logan lifted the covers in invitation, James smiling before sliding in to lay on his back.

"I'll try not to touch you."

Logan offered no reply to that, thoughts spinning as he stared up at the ceiling. "My lips hurt."

James laughed. "Sorry about that. I got a little carried away at the end, but that sound you made..."

"What?" Logan questioned when James trailed off. "What about it?"

"Well, honestly it went straight to my dick."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize for turning me on," James chuckled. "It's not a bad thing."

"It is when I'm not going to do anything about it. I don't want to tease you."

"I know. You've made it clear nothing's going to happen and we'll never see each other after tomorrow. It's actually a little freeing, knowing that."

"How so?" Logan frowned.

"There's no pressure. I don't have to worry that you might be falling in love with me or want something serious. And you don't have to worry about that, either. You know that whatever happens stays in this room, or in the car, or...wherever we might end up. But it doesn't go further than that. Maybe that'll make you a bit more adventurous."

"Maybe," Logan admitted. "I can't believe I kissed you."

"Technically, I was the one doing the kissing. But...yeah. You had your first kiss. How was it?"

"Scary."

"Ouch."

"No...James, it wasn't you." Logan turned onto his side to face James, laying a hand on James' stomach. "I swear. It's me, you know how I am, you know that was terrifying for me."

"I do," James nodded.

"And it means a lot that you were patient with me. You didn't make fun of me. And you were..."

"What?"

"Gentle. Almost...sweet about it."

"I can be nice, you know," James teased. "Just don't spread it around. It stays here in this room, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah. Except you'll tell Shelly."

"I don't know that I will. I'm sure you'll tell Kendall, though."

"Honestly...I don't know that either. Like you said, it's nice to keep it contained. Something we share that no one else does."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Logan replied, giving in to the sudden urge to kiss James' shoulder before turning over onto his other side, facing away from James.

"So we're gonna pretend like you didn't just initiate contact with your lips? With no urging from me?"

"I'd appreciate it," Logan answered.

"Whatever you say."

The bed shifted under Logan as James moved, Logan tensing when an arm slid around his waist and a warm body pulled him back against it. "Then we'll also pretend you hate it when I hold you because you're cold."

"I'm not cold," Logan argued.

"Fine, I am. You allow Kendall to do this, and he hasn't even kissed you. I'd say that gives me the right to cuddle when I'm cold."

Logan slowly relaxed, deciding that James' solid presence was comforting. Eventually he moved his hand to cover James', tightening the arm around him, and James took that as an invitation to cuddle closer until his lips pressed to Logan's hair in a soft kiss.

"Hey, James?"

"Yeah?"

"Happy birthday."

Logan felt lips curve against his scalp. "Thanks. So far, it's not too bad."

After squeezing the hand under his, Logan closed his eyes to settle into sleep.

* * *

Sleep didn't come. A half hour later Logan was still lying wide awake staring into the darkness, the storm now a low rumble of distant thunder accompanied by light showers. Every time he closed his eyes, he felt lips on his, smelled the fragrant shampoo and soap James used (though that could also be because James was currently wrapped around him like a tortilla), experienced an echo of the desire that had curled in his belly when James was biting his lip.

Yes, he _had_ liked the biting, and the harder James bit down, the hotter his body was engulfed in flames—or at least, the very sensitive part of his body he tried not to think about unless absolutely necessary.

That part was as awake as his mind, probably because his brain was running on a loop of soft lips, a tongue that gently requested entrance, and teeth that were perfectly even and white and knew just how to nibble in a way that brought desperate sounds up from his throat.

 _Damn you, James. Why couldn't you just let me live in ignorant bliss?_

What intrigued Logan most about kissing, though, wasn't even the sensations so much as what happened to his brain during a liplock. Even when at rest, Logan's mind was working—processing information, thinking about the future, analyzing data, planning for possibilities that might never come to pass. It was how he survived, how he functioned, and Logan had been that way for as long as he could remember. There was constant noise, and though it was ordered and logical, it was still background noise that was always there.

When James kissed him, though, the noise was muted. Perhaps because he was experiencing sensations too strong to ignore, Logan's brain stepped back to allow his body to take the wheel. His body knew what it wanted, and for the first time it wanted something powerfully enough to override his brain—at least until sanity had kicked in and made him push James away.

 _That wasn't sanity; that was fear. You were scared because you were losing control._

Kendall's voice was talkative in his mind tonight. It was annoying.

 _You know I'm right. It's a kiss, Logan. Just a kiss. Nothing to be afraid of. And you also know James is right, that you don't want to choke up when you find someone to share a real kiss with. You'd be smart to practice now while you have an opportunity that won't cost you anything. Like he said, it stays here in this room. You'd practice before doing surgery, wouldn't you? You like to be prepared. This is a facet of life that you can't ignore forever, unless you want to be alone forever. Is that what you want?_

No. He didn't want that. Having to leave Kendall had shown him that much. He wanted a companion, someone to share everything with. He wanted to live.

Shoving down the fear that was already cropping up at the mere idea of doing what he was about to do, Logan wondered if James was still awake. Probably not, his breathing was even and his body a dead weight. As a test, he squeezed James' hand gently, holding his breath and waiting.

Five agonizing seconds later, he was rewarded with a kiss to the top of his head.

Both relieved and terrified, he hesitantly spoke James' name.

Rather than reply, James moved away and rolled Logan onto his back, then leaned down to kiss him softly. "I can hear your mind going a mile a minute, Logan. Don't be scared."

"I can't help it," Logan admitted. "It's so stupid, it's just a kiss. I'm eighteen years old, I shouldn't be afraid of this. Like you said, I can figure out how to build a rocket ship, but I can hardly open my mouth to a stranger."

"I'm not a stranger," James murmured against Logan's lips. "Open your mouth to me."

The heat was back, that fire that flared so suddenly and raced so quickly through his body to coalesce at the center. "You smell so good," he blurted, horrified that he'd spoken his thoughts aloud until James erased his ability to think with a searing kiss.

This time Logan allowed the groan to break free, James using the parting of his lips to slide his tongue in expertly. Logan lifted his head from the pillow to press his mouth harder against James', prompting James to slip a hand into his hair and angle his head for deeper access.

Consumed with fire and taste, Logan could barely keep up so instead allowed James to lead him, and when James rolled over so that his body covered the right side of Logan's, Logan allowed that as well. There was so much sensation he didn't know what to focus on, and while all of it at once was overwhelming, Logan channeled it and gave it right back to James through the kiss, wondering for one crazy moment why he hadn't done this sooner. He'd never imagined a kiss could be so powerful.

When James halted the kiss to pant, "Stop me if you need to," Logan nodded before searching out James' mouth again. His hand slid up James' back to tangle in long, soft hair, and this time it was James who couldn't keep a sound from emerging into Logan's mouth. Shocked that he had such an effect on someone as experienced as James, Logan only then noticed he wasn't alone in his arousal.

"You're hard," he whispered in wonder, then gasped when James bit down on his bottom lip.

"Like you're not?" James retorted. "It happens."

Another nibble had Logan whining, and when James sucked on his tongue, he flat-out moaned until James pulled back. "Just...kissing is all I can handle. I'm sorry."

"Kissing's enough. Though I might toss in a little of this here and there."

James' mouth was suddenly suctioned to his throat, teeth scraping and causing shudders to run through Logan's body. "Oh god, James! Can't..."

Getting the point that it was too much, James kissed his way back to Logan's lips. "This is enough," he said again, and he proved it by focusing on nothing more for what felt like hours to Logan. Eventually their kisses turned lazy, a more muted passion smoldering in Logan than the scorching fire he'd felt originally, and he decided that if he never slept again and instead passed the entire night doing just this, it would be time well spent. His palms slid over smooth, muscled skin as they kissed, occasionally tangling in hair that smelled of coconut, and it seemed forever later when James pressed a final, soft kiss to Logan's swollen lips and whispered, "As much as I don't want to stop, you need sleep."

"I'm fine," Logan mumbled, but it was true that fatigue was making his head feel heavy and his eyes heavier.

"You can kiss me more tomorrow if you want. In fact, I demand it; it's my birthday and that's the gift I want from you. Just kiss me once more before you leave me, and I won't ask for anything more."

"Liar. You'll want cake and ice cream, too," Logan teased.

"Can't get anything past you," James chuckled, then settled onto his side again and planted a kiss at Logan's throat. "Feel better now about kissing when the time comes?"

"Much. Thank you."

"Glad I could help." He reached out both arms to drag Logan closer, Logan going willingly to cuddle against the strong chest until his face was buried in the hollow of James' neck. "Happy birthday to me," James sang softly.

Logan laughed before joining in the same melody. "Happy birthday to you."

"Thanks, buddy. You know, you really can't sing."

"I do know," Logan grinned. "I can do a lot of things, but singing is not one of them."

"We'll leave that to me then." After one more kiss, this time to Logan's forehead, James said, "Goodnight, Mr. My-Kisses-Are-Hotter-Than-the-Sun."

Logan smiled and replied, "Goodnight, Mr. My-Hair-Smells-So-Good-It-Makes-People-Kiss-Me."

"Yeah, you're also bad at nicknames," James snickered. "But thanks for the compliment."

"You're welcome. Night, James."

"Night, Logan. Sweet dreams."

And this time, they both fell into a contented sleep that was only broken by Logan turning onto his other side during the night. Within minutes, James had closed the distance to again wrap around him before sinking into dreams that for once weren't tortured.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N-Guys, thank you so much for the reviews! It's great talking to you and hearing what you like about this story. It was a lot of fun to write.

* * *

Though Logan expected to be the first one out of bed, when the alarm on his phone buzzed at 4 A.M., it was James who stumbled out of it and groped his way in the dark. Logan reached out to silence the sound just in time to hear James curse as his foot connected with something.

"Stupid chair," he muttered.

"Just turn on the lamp," Logan suggested.

"I will."

It was at least a minute before light flooded the room, though, and when it did James was fully dressed in a forest-green t-shirt and black jeans.

Logan rubbed his eyes awake, surprised at how refreshed he felt after only sleeping about four hours, but it had been a peaceful rest after tossing and turning each night over the previous week; stress about the upcoming move had repeatedly kept him from relaxing completely.

"Your foot okay?"

"Yeah, I just kicked the chair. It'll be fine. How do you feel?"

"Good," Logan replied honestly. "I feel good. Ready to make it to the coast today."

"Cool," James commented. "You okay if I do my hair?"

"I thought you looked good when you rolled out of bed," Logan teased.

"Nah, that was just yesterday," James laughed. He stopped outside the bathroom and turned back. "But you tell me. Do I?"

It was impossible to see James the way he had before the kissing, and though he'd found James attractive enough the previous day, all he could think about when he stared into those eyes now was how James' lips felt on his. "You'll do," he said softly.

James grinned before disappearing into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. Rubbing his hands over his face, Logan stood and stretched while crossing to his luggage. He was dressed in a fresh button-down and blue jeans when James emerged.

"And now?"

Logan glanced up from the chair, moving his gaze from the shoe he was tying to the clean face and combed hair framing a perfectly white smile. "So full of yourself," he smirked.

"Just answer the question."

"You look fine. Getting ready to break some hearts in Hollywood?"

"You know it. Maybe I can sleep my way to the top," James joked.

"I suppose it wouldn't be the first time that's been done," Logan commented, standing once his shoes were secure. "My turn in the bathroom. Get your stuff together so we can head out."

"Sure."

James didn't move from the doorway, though, and when Logan tried to step past him, he clutched at Logan's sleeve. "Are we...can we talk about last night?"

Logan immediately tensed, his face growing hot. "I'd rather not."

James nodded slowly. "So we're just gonna forget it happened?"

"It was practice."

"I know, but..." Searching out Logan's eyes and giving up when Logan stubbornly refused to look at him, James nodded again and grabbed his belongings from inside the bathroom before allowing Logan to pass.

Five minutes later Logan stepped out with toiletries in hand, stopping short when he found the room empty and only his luggage remaining near the bed. Heart in his throat, his gaze shot to the nightstand while panic raced through him—the keys had disappeared.

"No. No, you wouldn't, I know you better than..." He rushed to the door and opened it, relief flooding him at the sight of James loading a suitcase into the trunk in the glow from the overhead lights.

"How the hell did you do this yesterday? I can't get this one to fit right."

Logan swallowed hard, ashamed of himself for assuming James had fled with his car. "You just have to..." He approached the car and turned the suitcase sideways, then lifted a third one in. "The other two go in the backseat. Let me grab mine and we can get going."

He made it halfway back to the room when it hit him. "Please tell me you have your room key on you."

"Why would I? We're getting ready to leave."

Logan groaned, hanging his head.

"You mean you left the room without it? Mr. I'm-Always-Prepared-For-Anything?"

"Shut up. I didn't plan to come out here when I opened the door." Sighing, Logan started walking toward the lobby.

"It's a good thing you're rubbing off on me, isn't it?" James asked, and Logan heard the smirk in his voice. Spinning around, he glared at the room key James was holding up.

"Why didn't you just tell me you had it when I asked?"

"Because then I couldn't rub it in that I was more prepared than you. That's twice now I've saved your ass. I thought you were the genius here." The smirk became more pronounced, James silently daring Logan to challenge him.

"Give me that." After snatching the key from James, Logan added, "At least I can fit luggage into a car."

"Because it's like a puzzle. I bet you do those all the time."

"Puzzles keep your brain active. You should try it sometime."

James grinned while sitting on the hood and watching Logan return to the room.

Ten minutes later they were packed up and checked out, Logan driving to a gas station near the highway entrance. "I was thinking we'd get on the road for a few hours before stopping for breakfast. More places will be open then, anyway."

"I'm hungry," James admitted.

"Granola bars and water in my backpack."

"What kind?"

"What kind?" Logan echoed.

"Yeah, what kind of bars? Is there chocolate involved?"

"Yes. Peanut butter, too."

"Oh!" James exclaimed, excited as he reached behind Logan's seat for the pack.

"The strangest things make you happy," Logan smiled.

"Please, you probably get excited over math and science."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

James rolled his eyes while digging for snacks. "Want one?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

After topping off the tank, Logan climbed back into the car to see James reading something on his phone. "Will you call your mom today? I'm sure she'd like to talk to you on your birthday."

"I thought you forgot about that," James said in surprise.

"I don't forget anything."

"Except keys. You're notorious for leaving keys behind."

"It was one time."

"Twice. Don't forget last night in the rain."

"So two times. It won't happen again."

"Right, because that would make it thrice, right?" James teased.

"Wow, I'm impressed. You not only remembered the word but used it properly in a sentence."

"I'm just full of surprises."

Thinking about the gentle way James had treated him last night (at least until they got more aggressive with their ardor), Logan nodded. "You are."

"So I'm thinking I deserve that cake and ice cream for breakfast."

"We'll talk when we reach Gillette."

"Gillette? Isn't that a razor?"

"It's also a city in Wyoming."

"New state! Yes! That's one state closer to California. How many more do we have to drive through?"

"After Wyoming, we'll hit Utah and Nevada. I think we'll be in Arizona for a hot minute, but blink and you'll miss it."

"A hot minute? Since when do you talk like that?"

Logan shrugged, finishing up a text to his mother. "I'm feeling good today. Excited instead of scared."

"Really?"

"Okay, maybe a little scared," Logan admitted. "You mind if I call Kendall before we take off?"

"Why would I care?"

"I know you're anxious to get there." When James lifted a shoulder to communicate it didn't bother him, Logan added, "Call your mom."

"It's not even five o'clock."

"It's an hour later there. I thought she left early for work."

"She does, during the week. It's Saturday."

"Ah. Right."

While the phone was ringing, James asked, "Why would Kendall be up this early?"

"His flight to Texas leaves in a few hours." At the sound of his best friend's voice in his ear, Logan grinned. "Hey. You excited?"

"Actually, I am," Kendall chuckled. "How are you?"

"Good. Glad we stopped last night, I needed the sleep."

"You're welcome," James commented, prompting Logan to smack his arm lightly while Kendall replied.

"Yeah, I know you didn't want to, but I'm glad you did, too. Where are you?"

"South Dakota. We're heading out now, though, and should hit L.A. tonight."

"That's great. And James? Is he behaving himself?"

Logan glanced at James, thinking the question was relative. His mind flashed back to the hour James had spent kissing him senseless, echoes of sensations running through his body now so that he had to look away. He wanted to at least tell Kendall they'd kissed, because Kendall would be proud of him for overcoming that fear, but he couldn't discuss it with James sitting next to him. There was also the fact that what he said the night before still held true—it was nice to share a secret with someone, to keep it between them.

"What are you thinking?" James asked, gaze steady on Logan.

Fearing James could read his mind, Logan cleared his throat to answer Kendall, who had repeated the question in a worried tone. "Yeah. Sorry, James was talking to me. We're fine."

"Fine? Logan, if there's a problem, just tell me and-"

"There's not," Logan assured Kendall. "Promise. Did you know it's James' birthday today?"

James brightened next to him, a wide grin splitting his face at being fawned over.

"Is it? No, I didn't," Kendall answered. "Are you doing something special for him?"

"I promised him cake and ice cream for breakfast. The guy loves his sweets," Logan smiled, unconsciously reaching out to lay a hand on James' thigh. A larger hand came down to rest over his, and because Logan was distracted by Kendall's voice he didn't move his own away.

"Dessert for breakfast? Are you _spoiling_ him, Logan?"

"Give me a break, it's his birthday. It's the least I can do."

"Oh, I really wish I wasn't on my way out the door right now, because this is a conversation we need to have. You actually like him."

"Let's not get carried away, Kendall."

"I can hear it in your voice. Wow, you made a new friend. Should I be jealous?" Kendall teased.

Once again thinking of the way James kissed him, Logan said, "It's different. I promise."

"Yes, well, we're still going to have a talk about this. But if I don't leave now, I'm gonna miss my flight, so..."

"Right. Make sure to text me when you land so I know you got there safely."

"You know I will. Can I talk to James for a second?"

"What, now? I thought you had to leave."

"This will only take a second."

"What do you want to say?"

"Logan, just pass him the phone."

Only then realizing their fingers had somehow become intertwined, Logan lifted his hand away suddenly and held the phone out. "Kendall wants to talk to you."

"Me?"

Logan turned the car on and put it in gear while keeping one eye on James in an attempt to guess what Kendall might be saying.

James laughed hard, then said, "He's fine, I promise. You just gotta know how to get him to relax." Whatever Kendall's reply was prompted James to comment, "I have my ways. But seriously, I'll make sure he gets there safe. And without having a nervous breakdown."

After again smacking James, Logan pulled away from the pump. "That's enough. Hang up."

"Sorry, Kendall, he's making me hang up now. Can't defy Mommy."

"Shut up!" Logan shouted, amazed to realize he was laughing at the same time. "I told you, at least make it Mr. Mommy."

James wrinkled his nose at Logan before saying goodbye to Kendall and setting the phone in its cradle.

"What did he say to you?" Logan demanded.

"He wanted to know what I did to you, because he expected one of us to be dead by now and instead you're in a good mood."

Shaking his head, Logan rolled his eyes. "I'm allowed to be in a good mood."

"Apparently not without him around. He worries about you a lot, you know. I got that much the night we talked about this trip."

"You talked? I thought he just texted you."

"He did, but then he called me a little later. Wanted to make sure I didn't make this hell on you because you were already scared enough about everything."

"Yeah. I figured he sent you along to babysit me."

"Don't be annoyed, at least you have a friend who cares enough to look out for you."

Intrigued, Logan asked, "Shelly doesn't do that for you?"

"Sort of, but...I don't know. She's really independent, doesn't take well to people trying to baby her in any way."

"Looking out for someone doesn't necessarily mean babying them."

"No, but even you just made a comment about Kendall thinking you need a babysitter. She told me when they broke up that it had a lot to do with that, Kendall always wanted to protect her and she felt it was too...what's the word she used? Suffocating? Stifling?"

"Either one works in that situation. But really, that's why they broke up? Kendall only told me they agreed they were better as friends."

"Maybe that's all she told Kendall when she ended it. I knew what she meant, though; Kendall was always making sure she was okay."

"That's just how Kendall is. It's not a bad thing."

"It is in Shelly's eyes. Her parents are overprotective as it is, she didn't need that in a boyfriend on top of it."

Trying to imagine a life without a friend like Kendall to look out for him, Logan decided he'd hate it. "What about you? What is it you want in a boyfriend? Or girlfriend?"

"I already told you."

"No, you told me you were waiting for the right person, and that you'd know it when you found it. You never described what that person might be like."

James was quiet for a time, Logan assuming he was considering the question and not pressuring him for an answer. Eventually James said, "I don't really know."

"No?" Logan asked softly. "You don't know what you want?"

"Do you?"

"We talked enough about me yesterday. This is your day, it's all about you."

"Using my birthday against me? That's not cool, Logan."

Logan grinned but refused to back off. "Come on, tell me what you want in this mystery person who's waiting for you out in California."

"I won't have time for a relationship out in California. It's all about my career; nothing else matters."

"And once you make it? When there's time to slow down and you realize how lonely you are? What will you go looking for then?"

"Someone like..."

James didn't finish the thought, causing Logan to turn his head for a second. "Oh my god, are you blushing? James Diamond is blushing?"

"Screw you."

"No, this is...wow. Now I really want to hear the rest of that. Someone like who?"

James shook his head, attention on the passing scenery that was slowly appearing as the sun rose behind them. "Let's just say that I wouldn't throw away a boyfriend like Kendall. Being taken care of doesn't sound so bad."

Logan's heart dropped into his stomach, an unfamiliar sensation running through him. "Kendall? You want Kendall?"

"Not necessarily, just someone who cares enough to worry about me. I'm um..."

"What?"

"Nothing. But yeah. It would be nice if someone cared. That's all."

Having already figured out that James' mother was rarely around and that it bothered him immensely, Logan thought now of the father who couldn't even wake up to say goodbye to his son before a move across the country. "Well, Kendall would certainly care. But he's not into guys. Sorry."

"It's fine, I'm not after Kendall," James snapped. "I'm not after anybody right now. I don't need anyone."

"Everybody needs somebody, James," Logan said gently. "It's okay to need someone."

"Well, _I_ don't. And because it's my birthday, I'm going to ask for one gift from you today."

"You already did; if we can find a place that serves it that early, you get dessert for breakfast."

"I also asked for one more kiss before you leave me, but I don't see that happening."

Logan's cheeks reddened as he remembered that conversation, and that he hadn't actually ever agreed to the request. He couldn't bring himself to confirm it now, either.

"But that's not even what I'm talking about," James continued. "I just want one day where you don't ask me about my family or pressure me to call my mom. Can you do that for me?"

"That's not really fair when this is my only day to do that before the opportunity is gone forever."

"Bad luck for you that your only chance is on my birthday, huh?" When Logan said nothing, James added, "That's what I want for my birthday. Just...peace. Let me focus on the future and get excited about life again."

How could Logan deny James that? He sighed heavily, detesting the thought of giving up so easily, but the pleading tone pierced his heart. "Fine. I won't bring it up again."

"Thanks." Without turning his head from the window, James reached out to squeeze Logan's hand, which was miraculously resting on the console rather than the wheel. "I know you care, and I appreciate it. But I just want one birthday without my parents ruining it."

"Then that's what you'll get," Logan said firmly, and this time when James linked their fingers, Logan didn't pull away.

* * *

Finding a restaurant in Gillette that was not only open but would serve dessert that early was easier than Logan imagined, and when they were once again led to a table by a petite blonde with a skinny waist and ample cleavage, he resigned himself to another round of James flirting shamelessly. He could already predict that James would be using his birthday to gain attention for the remainder of their meal stops.

James didn't give the hostess a second glance, though, his focus instead on a menu as she walked away with their drink order.

"Are you feeling all right?" Logan joked.

"Great, why?"

"You aren't ogling that girl."

James' face screwed up for a second. "I'm not positive that means what I think it does, but if you're commenting on the fact that I didn't try to pick up on her, it's because she's not my type."

"Not your..." Logan craned his neck back just as the hostess approached with coffee and a soft drink, then informed them the server would be over soon. Once she'd departed, Logan stated, "What are you talking about? She's exactly your type."

"You met me yesterday morning, Logan. Quit acting like you know me."

Stung, Logan turned his attention to the menu. A minute later James sighed. "I'm sorry. That wasn't nice."

"It's not like I haven't been rude to you on occasion," Logan pointed out, but it didn't do much to soothe his hurt feelings.

"That doesn't make it right. I'm just cranky."

"I thought that was my job." Logan finally glanced up from the menu. "Anything you want to share?"

"Nope," James answered firmly. "Did you see the strawberry pie in the display when we came in?"

"I did. Is that what you want?"

"Hell no, I want something chocolate. I thought you might like it, though."

"I've eaten too many sweets during this trip as it is. But thanks."

"Yeah, that tiny scoop of ice cream and a few bites of my sundae, that's gonna put you over the edge, dude. How do your pants still fit?"

Logan glared before lifting his face to greet their waitress, who thankfully wasn't male or blonde, and was in fact old enough to be their grandmother. Changing his mind from oatmeal and fruit at the last second, Logan ordered a full breakfast complete with bacon and sausage.

James snickered before requesting a loaded omelet with fries, and when they were alone Logan commented, "What happened to cake and ice cream?"

"I can eat both."

Shaking his head, Logan asked, "How do _your_ pants still fit?"

"I stay active," James answered meaningfully, shooting a wink across the table.

"I'm sorry I asked."

"You're so funny about sex. All I have to do is hint at it and you get all flustered and panicked." Doing an impressive imitation of Logan, James flailed and cried, "Don't give me details, James! I don't want to know."

"Well, I don't! I don't understand how you can be so free about it."

"Because it's no big deal, Logan. Everybody does it."

"Not everyone," Logan corrected.

"Normal people do it."

"Thanks for pointing out that I'm a freak."

James groaned before letting his head fall back. "That's not what I said."

"Yeah, it pretty much is."

"No, Logan." Centering his gaze on Logan's face, James clarified, "I don't think you're a freak, okay? You just need to open up a little. Broaden your horizons. We've talked about that."

Reminded of his mother's suggestion that he try new things, Logan shrugged. "My mom says that, too, but I don't think she had sex in mind." After a pause, he asked aloud, "Or did she? I wouldn't be surprised, she's dying for grandkids."

James tilted his head and sat back. "She sounds..."

"What?"

"Tell me about her."

"My mom? You're asking about my mom?"

"Yeah. What's she like?"

"Uh...well...she loves to cook. Always trying new recipes and making me taste them."

"Can you cook?"

"I can, but there's really not a need to. She's taught me a lot, though."

"What's your favorite thing that she makes?"

Logan blew out a breath while thinking that over. "It's hard to say, almost everything she cooks is amazing. She's got a gift. But...I have been known to wolf down three plates of her spaghetti."

"Mmm, spaghetti is good. I bet she doesn't use sauce from a jar, either."

"Nope. She makes it from scratch. What's your favorite thing to make?"

"Oh, I don't do real cooking. Mac and cheese, frozen dinners, throw together a casserole. That's about all I can handle. I did actually bake a cake once, though."

Logan cracked up, reaching for his mug of coffee. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

"No, I mean a real cake; I didn't use a mix. I found a recipe and made a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting."

"Mmm," Logan hummed after swallowing a sip. "That sounds amazing."

"It was. I even split it up into two pans so I could make a double layer with peanut butter in the middle. That shit was so good I almost came while eating it."

A spray of coffee flew from Logan's mouth to rain over the table, James busting up laughing while passing over his napkin. "You can't even handle me saying the word."

"Be quiet," Logan blushed, using both napkins to wipe up the mess he'd made. "You can't just go around dropping words like that into conversation."

"I can and I do," James grinned. "It was worth it to see your reaction. You're kind of adorable, you know that?"

"Shut up." Hailing the waitress, Logan requested extra napkins. "I'm going to go use the restroom."

"You mean escape the sex talk," James teased.

"Don't eat my sausage," Logan warned as he stood.

"Oh, that sounds sexual, too."

"I...will you just..." Exasperated, Logan turned his back on a smugly pleased face and muttered, "One more day, Logan, just one more day."

"You know you're thinking about orgasms now!" James called out.

Scandalized, Logan spun back. "Do you have any class at all?" he hissed.

"Sure, it's just really fun to watch you freak out."

Unable to come up with a reply that would do the moment justice, Logan gave up and headed for the restroom. How could this be the same sweet guy who caressed his cheek and cuddled him close the night before? The one who promised he was safe and kissed him as if Logan was the air he needed to breathe?

It seemed bathrooms were the only places Logan could find solitude on this trip. He used the time to center himself, letting calm descend before venturing out of the stall to wash his hands and then bracing himself for whatever else James had in store.

When Logan returned to the booth, though, James was ignoring his freshly-delivered plate in favor of a phone call. Logan arranged a napkin over his lap and reached out for a slice of bacon, pretending he cared nothing for the conversation but of course listening like a hawk to each word.

"I know," James was saying, "and I'm sorry for that. I never meant to-"

A female voice cut in and proceeded to lecture, Logan unable to make out the words but knowing the tone well enough as his ears picked that up from across the table. He watched James' face fall, the tall and strong young man looking like nothing so much as a little boy being scolded by his mother.

Which...Logan supposed might actually be the case.

Needing to do something, _anything_ , to make James smile, he held out the bacon he'd been planning to eat himself, stretching an arm toward James. Distracted, it took James a moment for the gesture to sink in, and when it did James offered him what Logan supposed could be described as a small smile, albeit wan. Logan made the bacon dance over the table as if doing backflips before it landed on James' plate, and finally a genuine smile appeared.

"Yes, I'm here. And I know, okay? But it was time. You know I've wanted this for-"

The lecturing tone was back, Logan and James sighing in tandem. Logan lifted another slice of bacon, and when James reached for it Logan pretended to stab his hand with it. James' eyes widened before he picked up the slice Logan had deposited on his plate earlier, and silently they dueled with bacon as if handling mini swords. Logan's piece lost the battle, breaking in half after a well-aimed jab from James' slice, and Logan stuck out his lower lip in a pout. As he'd hoped, James started to giggle but quickly bit down on the laugh, his upper teeth digging deep into his bottom lip.

Logan's mind immediately remembered what those teeth felt like pressing into his own lips and his laughter dried up. Licking them now, Logan forced his mind away from that and scooped up a bite of scrambled egg.

"No."

The word was spoken firmly, Logan glancing up to see that James' expression was determined.

"No," James said again. "I'm eighteen now and I can do what I want. I made my choice and I'm sorry it isn't what you wanted for me, but it's what makes me happy. Why can't you ever think about that, Mom? Why don't you ever think about what _I_ want? Don't I deserve to be happy?"

The lecturing tone droned on, James' face growing more sad and lost by the second. Wishing there was something he could say, Logan skimmed his brain but came up empty; this was between James and his mother.

Instead of offering words that wouldn't change anything, Logan slid his hand across the table and nudged James' index finger. While James' expression showed no sign that he was aware of the gesture, his fingers moved to twine with Logan's tightly. It was another ten seconds before James interrupted the rant.

"What? I can barely...Mom, are you there?"

Impressed, Logan lifted an eyebrow.

"Hello? Mom...I'm sorry, I can't...no, you're cutting out. We're driving through the middle of nowhere, so...what? No, I'm not in a restaurant! I'm in a car! If you can hear me, I'll text you when I get to L.A. tonight. What? I give up. Bye, Mom!"

Ending the call and lightly tossing the phone aside, James rubbed his face with one hand while squeezing Logan's with the other.

"You okay?" Logan ventured.

"She makes me crazy. She just doesn't listen. No matter what I say, she's always right and she never stops to just...listen."

The phone vibrated suddenly, Logan seeing that James' mother was attempting to call back. This time it was Logan who dismissed the call before sliding the phone closer to his side of the table and shutting it off completely. "I'm sorry about that. And I'm sorry I kept urging you to call her. I had no idea she was-"

"I tried to tell you. She's impossible."

"Yeah. I'm sure in her own way she cares about you and is probably worried sick, but-"

"She never worried about me while I was there. Why start now?"

Unable to come up with an answer that made sense, Logan nodded. "Eat before it gets cold."

"Probably already is." Releasing Logan's fingers, James dug into his breakfast. Speaking around a bite of toast, he asked, "What was that with the bacon?"

"Hmm? Oh. I don't know. Silly, that's what it was."

"Yeah, but it was cute. I know you were just trying to cheer me up."

Logan shrugged, uncomfortable discussing it.

"Thanks for that."

"I just hated to see you so..."

"Yeah. And like I said earlier, I'm not going to let her ruin my birthday, so let's pretend that conversation never happened."

"Sure. But if you do want to talk..."

"I know. You're here."

"I am," Logan nodded.

"Thanks," James said again, and then they moved on from the moment to discuss the remainder of their trip. Logan had included a quick stop in Las Vegas as part of his itinerary, but after James reacted to the news with overexuberance, he decided on Mesquite, NV, instead. James tried to change his mind and when Logan reminded James they were too young to gamble anyway, James' response was, "I don't care about that. Did you know prostitution's legal there?!" That only cemented Logan's decision and no amount of pleading from James would sway him.

After James ordered his beloved birthday dessert and excused himself to the restroom, Logan waited for him to move out of sight and rushed to the main counter in order to speak to their waitress. He explained that it was James' birthday and anything extra they could do for him would be appreciated, as James enjoyed being fawned over and it was a milestone year. He made it back to the table before James returned, but only barely.

"What did you do with my phone?" James asked suddenly.

"Oh, sorry." Logan hadn't wanted to leave it when he abandoned the table. He slid it out of his pocket and passed it across to James. "It's still off."

"It can stay that way for awhile."

"You might be missing some birthday wishes from your friends," Logan pointed out.

"Nah, nobody really takes the time to remember stuff like that. Shelly does, but she already texted me."

Not wanting to upset James but curiosity getting the better of him, Logan asked, "Did your mom mention it? On the phone?"

Shaking his head, James looked away. "She was more concerned with telling me to get my ass back home. You know...I honestly wouldn't doubt it if she forgot."

"James, she's your mother. I know she's not the greatest, but Moms don't forget things like-"

"It wouldn't be the first time," James said quietly, head down as he absently played with a napkin.

"Oh." Extremely glad now that he'd spoken to the waitress, Logan tried, "I'm sorry you can't be with your friends today."

"Like I said, nobody ever makes a big deal about me. And it's cool, I don't need all that. I mean, what am I really missing? A cheesy song and some stupid candles to blow out after making a wish that never comes true? Please, I'm an adult now. I don't need..."

James' voice trailed off as his eyes widened over Logan's shoulder, and Logan lifted his own phone to begin recording video. "Oh my god," James whispered.

Face split into a wide grin, Logan heard a chorus of the birthday song from behind, not joining in only because of their conversation from the night before about how terrible his singing was. That didn't keep him from enjoying the moment, though, as he watched James' face transform into shock when a plate heaping with what seemed a mountain of ice cream coupled with an enormous slice of chocolate cake was set before him. The staff had managed to scrounge up one candle and shove it down into the brown frosting, and as they sang the last line of the song, James stared at the presentation in awe.

Logan glanced up long enough to thank the small group of servers before returning his attention to James, whose overwhelmed gaze was glued to Logan's face while his mouth hung open slightly. "You did this?"

"Make a wish, James," Logan smiled. "It's a new life today. This one might actually come true."

Hardly aware that the staff was moving away to leave them alone, James continued to stare at Logan until he prodded, "James, come on, the candle's melting. Make your wish and blow it out."

After swallowing hard, James licked his lips and looked down at the plate. "But what I want won't come true. I already know that."

"Miracles happen. Did you ever think you'd actually get away and move to Hollywood?"

"Not really," James admitted. "I still can't believe it's happening."

"Exactly. So make your wish and if it's meant to be..."

James nodded, closing his eyes and moving his lips silently before blowing hard on the flame, which never stood a chance and flickered out. Logan grinned again as James opened his eyes, his own face morphing into excitement. "I can't believe you did this for me!"

Logan shrugged. "It's not much, just a cheesy song and a stupid candle to blow out..."

"Shut up, this is amazing! _You're_ amazing, I can't believe you cared enough to..."

"Hey, everybody should have one day a year to feel special."

"Are you still filming me? Shut that crap off," James instructed. "I'm about to make a mess out of my face with this. And you're totally helping me eat it."

After ending the recording and stowing his phone away, Logan shook his head. "Oh, no. That's all you. Maybe I'll get something sweet when we stop for lunch in Rock Springs."

"Come on, just one bite. Do you see all the chocolate on this?"

"Kind of hard to miss."

"So take a bite." James forked off a piece, stretching his arm across the table.

"James, I said no. I don't want anything."

"Open up or it's gonna fall off the fork..."

"No, I ate enough already, don't-"

But of course the fork ended up inside Logan's mouth, because as usual James wouldn't back down. Chewing the sickeningly sweet chocolate, Logan complained, "You're still annoying. Birthday or not."

"You'd worry about me if I wasn't," James teased. "Wait, where's my..." He dropped the fork to pick up his phone and pressed a button to power it up. "Move over."

"What?"

"Move over!"

Not giving Logan any kind of choice in the matter (what was new?), James rounded the table to shove Logan over in the booth before sliding an arm around him and dragging him close.

"What are you...?"

"Gotta get a selfie!"

"Oh my god, James, don't even think about-"

"Come on, buddy, it's my birthday! The only one you'll ever spend with me, so I need something to remember this. Smile!"

James aimed the camera back upon them and tilted his head against Logan's to snap a picture, then frowned at the result.

"You look annoyed."

"I wonder why."

"Come on, just smile!"

"I hate being in pictures, James. Ask Kendall, it's one of my least favorite things in the world."

"Too bad, it's my birthday and I want a picture with you. Ready?"

"No."

"Ready?"

"Not happening."

"Ready?"

"God, you're so-"

"Smile!"

Logan attempted it, for James, but when it was done James sighed heavily. "Would it kill you to be happy?"

"I am. I just don't like showing it."

"Think about my face when I saw that plate. When I heard them singing and realized it was for me."

Logan did smile then. "You were so surprised."

"Yup."

James snapped one more shot, this time pronouncing it a success. "See? You've got a great smile, I don't know why you don't use it more often."

"Maybe because some annoying jerk keeps shoving sweets down my throat."

"Don't act like you're not staring at that cake and wanting more." James pocketed his phone and then reached out to pull the plate closer, one arm still over Logan's shoulders as he forked up another bite and held it to Logan's lips. "Open up."

Knowing it would be futile to argue (and also because it really was good cake), Logan did as instructed. James alternately fed himself and Logan, almost bouncing with joy, and Logan once again had the thought that he was glad he could do this for James. It was a small gesture, but one that obviously meant so much to James.

"You know, it's a really good thing I'm parting ways with you tonight," Logan mused.

"Oh?" James asked as he swallowed the last bite. "Because I'm annoying?"

"No, because if I spent any more time with you, I'd end up grossly overweight."

"Nah, we'd just have a lot of sex to work off the extra pounds." When Logan tensed, James chuckled. "Knew that would get you." He leaned over to press a kiss to Logan's cheek, Logan jerking at the touch. "Relax, I was joking. And that little peck was nothing compared to last night, so don't act all prudish."

"Why must you keep bringing it up? We kissed and now I know how and I don't want to think about it again until I need to."

"What I don't get is that you obviously enjoyed it, so why wouldn't you want to think about it?"

"I just...are you finished? We need to get back on the road, we can't sit here cuddling in a booth all day." Logan pushed James away until he was forced to stand or fall on the floor.

"Wow, you really must have liked it a lot more than you let on."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you're so uncomfortable talking about it. You like kissing, just admit it."

"I'm going to pay the bill and then visit the restroom one last time before we get on the road. I suggest you do the same."

"Whatever you say, Mr. I-Can't-Stop-Thinking-About-Kissing-the-Pretty-One."

"That's an even worse nickname than the ones I come up with."

"But it's true," James replied, winking before strutting off to the bathroom.

While waiting in a short line at the register, Logan whipped out his phone to send a quick text to Kendall even though he knew Kendall was currently on a plane.

" _Dead. You just wait, dead in your bed at Thanksgiving. I still hate you for this."_

And then, because he was proud of the fact that he could have such a positive effect on someone's life, he sent Kendall the video he'd taken as well with the comment, _"But on a happier note, this happened today. It felt good."_


	11. Chapter 11

The sky was clear as they headed out of Gillette, a gorgeous blue that lifted Logan out of the grump James' taunts had thrown him into. He reminded James that their next meal stop wouldn't be for almost five hours, but they would hit a gas station about halfway there. Perhaps sensing Logan's mood, James tipped the seat back as far as he was able to and used his jacket as a blanket, and within fifteen minutes he was sound asleep.

Logan was relieved; he could only take so much of James' needling at one time, and he really didn't like to think about the things James insinuated (most likely because they were true). It was bad enough that Logan liked kissing, but worst of all was the way he'd wanted to do it again when James had held him close in the restaurant. There had been a moment when he caught himself resting his head on James' shoulder, completely relaxed as James fed him cake and ice cream. It was way too easy to get used to that level of companionship, especially considering they'd both agreed they wanted nothing of the sort in their lives. The previous night's activities had been about nothing more than experiencing something new, preparing for a future that Logan hoped would one day come to pass.

He hadn't expected to actually enjoy it, though, and he certainly couldn't have predicted that he would continue to crave it hours later.

He understood now why James had repeatedly stated that kissing was a good thing, and why Kendall had run all the way to Logan's house in excitement after his first kiss during freshman year. Kisses were special, something intimate without being sleazy (though Logan supposed they could be that as well), and something that brought feelings to life in him he'd never thought he could experience.

It was so much easier to not know. Ignorance was most definitely bliss.

 _But so is a kiss. Remember how it felt to have his weight over you, to feel his arousal against your thigh and know that you caused it, that it was your mouth and hands bringing him to life. Who knew you had that in you?_

A small smile quirked Logan's lips, a smug sense of pride shooting through him.

 _Of course, James is easy. He's obviously very much into sex, so it doesn't take much to get him going. He even admitted that guys who aren't all that attractive turn him on sometimes. So don't go thinking you're special, Logan. He genuinely seemed to want to help you overcome your fear, but at the same time he got something out of it, too. And no matter how cuddly he is or how many times he tells you you're gorgeous, he doesn't want anything permanent. He wants to get on with his life and forget everything from his past once he steps out of this car in Hollywood. He's got a goal and so do you. It's for the best, neither of you needs the distraction of...whatever you'd be to each other. He's into flings. You're into not even touching someone if you can help it. Just be glad you got to meet him at all, even if he is aggravating, and take away from this weekend the revelations he forced you to see—you don't want to be alone forever and someday you'll meet someone you like enough to want that intimacy with. You know now that you can do it, and that was his goal._

Glancing over at James snuggled up under heavy leather, Logan smiled softly and reached out to brush James' hair away from his forehead. "Thanks for that, at least," he whispered. "But no thanks for the lingering hormones you woke up from a dead sleep. I can do without those."

Logan's hand slipped under the jacket in search of James', and when he found it he squeezed. In his sleep, James' fingers curled around Logan's to keep them there.

* * *

James slept for about two hours before coming awake suddenly with a loud cry, startling Logan so that the car swerved before he corrected it. "What? What's wrong?"

James looked around in fear for a few seconds until he was able to orient himself. "Oh. I'm in a car."

"Yes. Are you okay? Do I need to stop?"

"No." Coughing to clear his throat, James reached into Logan's pack for a bottle of water, then tipped the seat up to drink about half of it down.

"Take it easy, you'll get stomach cramps if you drink that too fast. And we're not stopping for another half hour, so be careful with the liquids."

"I'm fine," James snapped, sucking down a few more swallows before screwing the cap back into place. He then proceeded to stare out the window in what Logan had come to know was his "Leave me alone" stance.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Logan pressed anyway.

"Yeah. But I don't want to talk about it, so don't even try."

"Fine."

They fell into a strained silence for ten minutes until Logan could stand it no more. James was still staring out the window as if he'd rather be anywhere else than where he currently was, and it drove Logan crazy that he was so unhappy. "Penny for your thoughts," he tried, not having to witness the rolling of James' eyes to know it was happening.

"What does that even mean, anyway?"

"What?"

"Think about it. What the hell good does it do to give someone a penny when they're thinking about something? What's a penny gonna do?"

"I...have honestly never thought about that. I guess the saying must have originated somewhere, though. Maybe back in the old days, you could pay someone a penny for advice. Like...if I give you a penny, would you give me your thoughts on the matter?"

James' head swung over to stare at Logan. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Well, at least I came up with an answer. You asked, so I took a stab at it."

"No way is that how the saying happened, Logan. That's just dumb."

"Can you come up with something better?"

"As a matter of fact, I can." James whipped out his phone and started to type. "Wow, I actually have service. What do you know?"

"That's because we're about to pass through a city. It won't last more than a few minutes."

"Always have an answer for everything, don't you, Mr. Know-It-All?"

"I think it's time you wore the Mr. Cranky nickname for a change. What are you so mad about?"

"Nothing," James answered, much too quickly for it to be believable. "But I'm about to cheer up when I prove you wrong about something for once."

"About what?"

"Hang on, let me look it up." James continued to tap on his phone, then said, "Aha! Now we'll see the truth."

"James, what are you-"

"Hold on, hold on, let me read this...yeah, yeah, Danish, Thomas More, sheweth...what the hell kind of word is that? Sounds like something you'd pop off with."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," Logan said, his irritation beginning to show.

"Okay, here it is! 'In other words, a wise man has fallen silent and in order to garner his wisdom, money is...offered.'" James looked up suddenly, his face falling.

"Ha!" Logan yelled. "Ha ha ha! I was right! That was totally a guess, too!"

"That's not exactly what you said," James sulked.

"Oh, it so is! See? Listen to me once in awhile, you might learn something worthwhile."

"I know plenty of things worthwhile."

Hearing the hurt in James' tone, Logan apologized. "I'm sorry. You do, and I didn't mean to insinuate otherwise. But you were so sure I was wrong."

"It would've been nice to be right for once."

"I know."

Silence fell for another few minutes, and after warring with himself Logan finally said, "Hey."

"What?"

"You um...you _were_ right about something." When James waited for him to continue, Logan cleared his throat and said, "I like kissing."

One corner of James' lips curved up. "Yeah, that's not news. But you admitting it...that's a nice change."

Face hot, Logan explained, "I just wanted you to know that you are right about some things."

"Thanks."

Another five minutes crawled by, Logan grateful they would be stopping in a bit; the silence was torture, especially since James had gone back to staring out the window as if Logan didn't exist.

Fifteen minutes from the next town, James suddenly spoke. "It hurts."

Logan blinked, forcing himself to keep his eyes straight ahead because if he looked at James, it might somehow keep him from speaking freely. He waited patiently, hardly daring to breathe.

"I even purposely hinted at it, you know? I made the comment about how I'm an adult now, and I said it just to remind her that it's my birthday. But all she could do was lecture me about how I'm throwing my life away on some silly pipe dream and I'll come running back within a month when I blow all my money."

"Money you gave away?" Logan asked gently, not wanting to set James off.

"She doesn't know that. I sure as hell wasn't gonna tell her. But it would've been nice to hear something like 'I wish you luck and call me if you need anything.' Even a simple 'I'll miss you' would've made me happy. But she doesn't, and she won't. I don't know why I thought running away would make things any different."

"James, I think if she didn't care at all, she wouldn't have called you so many times last night. She wouldn't be lecturing you to come back home. What did she say when you originally told her you were leaving? She tried to talk you out of it, right?"

After letting a derisive noise escape, James shook his head. "I didn't give her a chance to. And I bet Dad's pissed that no one's there to make him breakfast today."

"I thought you said your mom doesn't work on Saturdays."

"Oh, she does, just not as early. She's already at work; I could hear it in the background."

"Okay, but what do you mean by 'I didn't give her a chance to'? Because you didn't..." Logan's heart stopped before his body went cold. "Wait, did you say 'running away'?" His foot was already lifting off the gas pedal. There was no reply, James' face turned to the window and his arms crossed defensively over his chest. "James...oh god."

Hyperventilating by the time he got the car to the shoulder, Logan pulled over and put it into park before James noticed something was wrong. "What are you freaking out about? I'm an adult, they have no power over me anymore."

"You weren't yesterday!" Logan yelled. "Are you out of your mind?!"

"I left a note, okay? It's not like I just took off."

"Do you really think that makes a difference? Oh god, I transported a minor across state lines without parental permission. I'm going to jail." Banging his head back against the seat, Logan closed his eyes and willed this to all be a dream.

"Oh my god, you're totally overreacting. You make it sound like you kidnapped me or something. I was totally willing, Logan."

"What don't you get about that not mattering?" Logan screamed. "The law doesn't care, it's just like the sex! I'm the adult, I'm supposed to know better, and nothing I say matters because for all they know, I had intentions to...oh god." Air not flowing properly to his lungs, Logan's face turned white. "I kissed you. I kidnapped you and I kissed you."

"I was eighteen when you kissed me! Get a grip, dude."

"It doesn't matter! They'll think I had intentions to seduce you and it doesn't matter what you say, your parents could press charges against me and all of this will be misconstrued in court and James, what the fuck were you thinking?!"

After that outburst, Logan collapsed against the steering wheel and attempted to stay conscious, because the dizziness was worse than it had ever been; the donut incident was small change compared to this.

"Hey," James said softly, then a bit more harsh when it wasn't getting through to Logan. "Hey! Listen to me! Logan, are you listening to me?"

Logan managed a weak sound.

"Nobody knows we kissed. You didn't tell Kendall, right?"

There was a slight shake of Logan's head.

"I didn't tell Shelly, either, and I'm not going to. That stays between us." James reached out to settle a hand on Logan's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Nobody even knows I'm with you."

"You told your mom you were in a car, you said _we_..."

"She thinks I'm hitching my way out to L.A. That's what I told her before you came back to the table. I left a note where only she would find it. Dad had no idea where I was and asked Shelly, but she acted like she didn't know, either. And your mom doesn't know I'm with you, right?"

"No," Logan answered, and the dizziness was beginning to recede, albeit slowly.

"Make sure Kendall never tells a soul, and Shelly already knows not to. Nobody ever has to know we met at all."

In an attempt to calm down, Logan sat back against the seat and closed his eyes, James' hand falling away. He inhaled deeply and until his stomach could expand no more, letting it out in a slow stream. "People saw us together, James. All the restaurants, the convenience stores..."

"So what? They don't know who we are."

"I used my debit card at each stop. If your mom finds out and sends the cops after me..."

"I already told you, she can't do anything now. I'm an adult."

"That doesn't change the fact that you weren't yesterday." Able to breathe normally again, Logan shifted in the seat to face James. "You just...don't think, James," he said softly. "You really have no concept of consequences."

"I just..." Face struggling to hold his emotions in, James looked away as his face screwed up. "I had to get away. I couldn't..."

When James' voice thickened with unshed tears, Logan reached out to turn his face until they could look into each others' eyes. "Couldn't what? Why did you have get away?"

Two tears slid down James' cheeks, one on each side as he blinked rapidly and refused to meet Logan's gaze even though Logan's hand still gripped his chin.

"James, please. Talk to me."

"This isn't the time or place." He wrenched his face free and passed a hand over his cheeks before Logan managed to pluck a tissue from the console. After wiping his eyes, James cleared his throat. "The car's still running and we're wasting gas and-"

"The rest stop is a few miles ahead, can we stop and talk there?"

"It'll put us behind," James replied, then chuckled sadly. "And I know how much you hate being behind schedule."

"James, I'm already half a day behind; another hour isn't going to kill me. Please talk to me."

"There's nothing to say," he sighed. "Dad's...I don't want to talk about Dad. But Mom...I just really wanted..."

"What?" Logan asked when he trailed off.

"It was stupid, but I thought maybe she'd be proud of me for finally doing something. I've been talking for years about this, my dream of going to Hollywood and making something of myself, and all she ever did was laugh it off and tell me I didn't have what it takes. That I'd be stuck in that town forever because I wasn't good enough for anything else. She loves me, I know she does, but she never believed in me. She says I'm not smart enough to succeed. She thought the acting was dumb and told me I should take classes that would be more useful, like metal shop or auto shop, because I was just going to spend my life in some dead-end job. And even today, she said I'd go running back and I don't want that, Logan, I'm so scared she's right, that I'm not good enough and that next time she says I'm a failure, she'll be right."

This time it was Logan's thumbs that wiped away the tears, Logan unbuckling his seat belt to lean closer. "Look at me." When James attempted to pull away, Logan didn't let him go. "Listen to me, okay? I've known you for...what? A day and a half? And I admit, I judged you before I met you. I had some preconceived notions and while some of them were true, I mean you _are_ annoying-"

As he'd hoped, a watery chuckle bubbled up from James' throat to accompany the tiny smile.

"-you proved most of them wrong. You're not dumb, you just don't always think. What I've learned most about you, though, is that you don't give up. When you want something, you go after it. I mean...the fact that you got me to not only kiss you, but initiate it...James, do you even have a clue how impossible that was? Kendall's been trying for years to get me to give girls a chance, and I never budged. One day with you and I caved, because while you said a lot of the same things Kendall did, you also didn't let up when I tried to run; you persisted and you didn't back off, and god I hate that about you, but...my point is that when you want something badly enough, you'll make it happen. And I think this is something you want more than anything else in your life, to succeed and make something of yourself that you can be proud of, to show her that you _are_ worthy and you _are_ smart enough, and one day she'll be sitting in a movie theater watching you and feeling like an idiot for all the times she said you couldn't do it. Because she's wrong, James—you're _not_ a failure, you're going to go out there and start at the bottom but work hard and never give up, and you're going to show her that she's wrong."

By that time James was no longer avoiding Logan's gaze, but glued to it as one final tear dripped from his chin. James' face still cradled in his hands, Logan continued. "And when you're up on that stage accepting your first Academy Award, you're going to remember this moment, and you're going to thank Logan Mitchell for driving your ass all the way across the country and putting up with your annoying comments because even though he yelled at you a lot, he was also the first person to ever believe in you. You've got this, James."

Logan expected and hoped for the wan smile James favored him with, but the kiss came as a surprise. James' own seatbelt was unclasped as he dove in and kissed Logan hard, Logan freezing for only a second before returning it fervently because he knew James needed that (also because he'd been thinking about it all day and this was a perfect excuse to give in). James' lips brought that fire back to life inside Logan, the one that raged through him so that he was leaning out of his seat to get closer before James gently pushed him back. "We need to get going," he whispered.

"Right." Logan faced forward again, reaching for his seatbelt and embarrassed by the way he'd responded.

"It's not that I wasn't enjoying it."

"I know."

"It's just...after that little speech, I'm dying to get there and make all that stuff happen. And I know you want to have plenty of time to get settled in, too."

"Exactly. Seatbelt on?"

James buckled up before Logan pulled back into traffic. "We're still stopping at the next town, though, right? I really gotta take a leak."

Shaking his head at James' choice of words, Logan replied, "Yes, James. It's another few hours until the town after that, so enjoy it while you can."

James nodded, and it was a few minutes before he broke the silence that had fallen. "Hey."

"Hmm?"

"I know I'm annoying, but...thanks."

"For what?"

"All of this. The drive, putting up with me...for saying what you said back there. You really are the first person to believe in me."

"What about Shelly?"

"She wants me to be happy, so she didn't argue too much when I told her I was going. She thinks I'll be back in a few months, too, though."

"Make sure to prove her wrong."

"I intend to."

"Good."

Logan gripped James' hand long enough to squeeze it, but when he tried to pull it back James stopped him. Knowing it would be futile to fight it, Logan instead slid his fingers between James' and left them there.

* * *

It was another two hours before they stopped for lunch in Rock Springs, Logan spending the time distracting James with more road games. While no one could beat James' Twenty Questions record from the night before, he did manage to improve on I Spy so that they traded turns rather than James' one to Logan's three or four.

"What are you hungry for?" Logan questioned as they exited the highway. "There's a lot to choose from here."

"Hmm, let me see." James' head swiveled from right to left as he studied their surroundings. "Fast food, steak house, bar...oh, can we go to a bar?" he asked brightly.

"Most bars require you to be twenty-one to even set foot in them. Nice try."

"Fine. How about...oh, is there a Chinese food place? I could really go for some sushi."

"Actually, sushi is Japanese. But I do see a Chinese place up the street, if you can handle egg rolls instead."

"Nah, it's not the same. Do you think there's a place we can get pizza?"

"Probably, but it's hard to find a pizza place that lets you dine in. I need to get out of this car before I go crazy."

"Me, too," James nodded. "Oh! Mexican food, right there! Bring on the chips and salsa!"

Grinning at James' excitement and the fact that he was bouncing in the seat, Logan maneuvered the car into a turn lane. "Mexican it is. But I doubt they have a sundae for dessert."

"Nothing can top the dessert I had this morning. Besides, I can make anything a birthday meal with the candle."

"What candle?" Logan frowned, concerned that James might be carrying around flammable material.

"The one from this morning. I kept it."

"You kept it? Why?"

"I don't know," James mumbled. "Just wanted to."

Understanding that the cake had meant even more to James than he'd let on, Logan smiled. "Where is it, in your pocket?"

"My jacket pocket, yeah. So it doesn't break."

"And you say _I'm_ adorable."

"Uh oh, watch out. Mr. Cranky-and-Uptight is starting to thaw out a little. Next thing I know you'll be blowing me under the table when we stop for dinner."

"James, oh my god! Do you have to—you're so annoying!" Flustered even more by the sound of James laughing at him, Logan swung the car into a parking slot and shut it off. "Get out of my car."

"You're just mad because now you're thinking about blow jobs," James snickered. "First orgasms, now blow jobs. Wait until I plant the idea of fucking in your head."

"Out! Get out of the car!"

James did, waiting patiently for Logan to regain control before heading toward the entrance.

"I hate you, you know," Logan growled.

"I know," James agreed, grabbing the door for Logan. "But you love me, too."

"Not even a smidgen."

"Not even a what? What the hell is a smidgen?"

"It's like an iota."

"What's an iota?"

"The same as a scintilla."

"Okay, now you're just purposely using words I don't understand to piss me off."

"Is it working?" Logan teased, not waiting for an answer but instead speaking to the hostess. She led them to a table and Logan immediately excused himself to the restroom. "Please order me a water, and don't fuck any waitresses while I'm gone. Not even a blow job under the table."

James cracked up. "Yep, totally stuck in your brain now."

"Shut up."

When Logan returned it was James' turn to escape to the restroom, and Logan thanked the server who set down their drinks a moment later along with a basket of tortilla chips with salsa. It was a male this time, but young and handsome enough that Logan was positive James had already begun the flirting.

"What happened to your friend?" the waiter asked.

"He'll be back. I need a few more minutes to look over the menu."

"Take your time. My name is David, if you need anything."

"Thank you." As the man turned to leave, Logan stopped him. "David, is there any place around here to get sushi? Something within five miles?"

"Oh, yeah, there's a place two blocks down this street. Just pass the next light and take a right on Everest, it'll be on your left."

"Perfect, thank you."

"What are you smiling about?" James asked suspiciously when he slid into the booth.

"Just thinking about how annoyed you were with my archaic words on the way in."

"Does 'archaic' mean lame? Because that's what those words were."

"Don't mock what you don't understand, James."

"That's what I'm gonna say to you when you tell me blow jobs are lame."

"I never said they were lame."

"But you think they're-"

"Okay, can we just order lunch without you grossing me out? Do you know what you want?"

With a meaningful smirk, James replied, "There are a lot of things I want, Logan."

"Keep it up and you won't get your birthday present."

"My...Logan, you're joking. You didn't get me anything."

"Not yet, but if you behave we'll stop somewhere on the way out of town so I can treat you."

"But you already did; this morning, you..."

"Is there some birthday rule that says I can't get you a gift in addition to cake and ice cream? I think it's actually proper to do both."

"Logan, you've done enough for me. I appreciate everything, too. You don't have to-"

"Do you want the surprise or not?"

Touched into silence for once, James nodded.

"Good. Now what do you want for lunch?"

"Oh. Right. Did you already order?"

"No, I waited for you. Any guesses about my meal today?"

"Let me see." James perused his menu, studying the dishes and finally nodding. "Chicken salad with the side of fruit."

"That's a repeat guess. You can't use it twice."

"But that's what you'll eat. Even in a Mexican restaurant, you'll pick that."

"Honestly, the tacos sound really good."

"Then eat that," James grinned. "You can start being healthy again tomorrow, once I'm gone. For now, just enjoy my birthday with me."

"I guess one more day of fattening foods isn't going to kill me," Logan admitted, nudging the basket closer to James. "Here, David brought you some goodies."

James hummed and scooped up salsa with a chip. "Who's David?"

"Our waiter. You really don't pay attention, do you? Though I'm sure you could tell me what color his eyes are and probably his measurements, too."

"Nah, I didn't check him out. Is he cute?"

"I..." Surprised, Logan picked up a chip because James would be forcing one on him soon enough anyway. "I'm really not a good person to judge that."

"You sure judged Todd plenty."

He had, but only because James opened his eyes at the time. Uncomfortable thinking about Todd and the night before, Logan said, "So, speaking of this being my last night with you, it looks like we won't hit L.A. until after 1 A.M. Is that going to be a problem for you? Will your friend be around?"

"When were we speaking of your last night with me?" James asked, amused because he knew Logan was trying to change the subject.

"Just answer the question."

James grinned. "Yeah, he said I can show up anytime. What about you, though? Is the university open that late?"

"Well, it's not like it ever closes, though the administrative offices do. But I checked with them and they said there's always someone available for check-in because new students arrive at all hours and emergencies come up."

"Like you having to stop and sleep last night?"

"I suppose."

"Think you'll need to do that again tonight?"

"No. I do plan to sleep for an hour in Mesquite, because by that time I'll be exhausted from driving so much, but we won't stay a full night. You don't have to worry, I'll get you there by two at the latest."

"Unless an emergency comes up," James commented. "Like last night, with the storm."

"Weather's completely clear all the way there, I already checked. I know you're dying to get me alone in a room again so you can keep implanting blow jobs in my head, but-"

"Hell, I don't need a room for that," James laughed. "The fact that you brought it up on your own twice in the past ten minutes proves that much."

Logan only shook his head, unwilling to admit James was right. They ordered lunch when David came back, Logan debating about adding an enchilada because he wanted a taste, but after James ordered that he decided not to; James would share his anyway, whether Logan wanted it or not.

James shrugged out of his jacket, enjoying the time to stretch his legs while checking his phone.

"Did she call again?" Logan asked hesitantly.

"No. I'm sure she's too busy working. It's for the best."

"You should call anyway. At least give her one more chance to wish you a happy birthday, now that she's not so frantic with worry."

"She could've called me to say that if she wanted to. Or even texted me."

Unable to argue with that, Logan pulled out his own phone and smiled at his missed messages. "Kendall's settled at his new place. Mind if I call him?"

"Go for it."

Logan pressed a button to start a call, calling out "Hey!" when the phone was plucked from his hand and pushed to James' ear instead.

"What's up, buddy?" James grinned, causing Logan to roll his eyes. When James saw how irritated Logan was, he set the phone between them and put it on speaker.

"-it going? Where's Logan?"

"I'm here. Sorry about that, someone stole the phone right out of my hand."

"Just wanted to say hi," James laughed.

"Where are you guys, a restaurant?"

"Yeah, James wanted Mexican for lunch."

"Kendall!" James suddenly exclaimed. "Logan got me cake and ice cream for breakfast. And he says there's a surprise waiting for me after lunch! He's not nearly as bad as you made him out to be."

Logan frowned while Kendall floundered. "Hey, I never said he was bad! He's my best friend, I love the guy. Logan, you know I wouldn't-"

"I know, it's fine," Logan interrupted, ruffled feathers soothed. "He just likes to cause havoc. Talk to me, how was the flight? How's your apartment? How's the new roommate?"

"The flight was fine, I slept for most of it. The apartment's small, but I don't need much. And the roommate...well, he's...different. Nice guy, though. So far."

"How is he different?" Logan wanted to know.

"Enthusiastic. Loud. Somewhat obnoxious."

"Oh, you mean like James," Logan smirked, watching James for a reaction and not disappointed.

"Hey! I'm not obnoxious!"

"You totally are," Logan chuckled. "But it's the kind that grows on you. Is that the case with your roommate, Kendall?"

"We'll see, I guess. He's really excited to be here and keeps trying to get me to tell him my life story. I'm like dude, I just walked in, let me relax for five seconds."

"Now _that_ sounds like Logan," James sighed. "Always up in my business."

Logan clicked his tongue against his teeth. "Oh, like you weren't hounding me all day yesterday about my social issues? Don't act like I'm the only one who pries."

"Whatever," James managed before stuffing his mouth with a sauce-laden chip. "Kendall, you are missing the most incredible salsa."

"Uh, actually I'm not," Kendall chuckled. "I was greeted with a bowl of homemade salsa. He says he makes homemade tortilla chips, too, but I haven't seen that yet."

"Aww, that's cute," Logan grinned, realizing he wasn't the slightest bit jealous and wondering when that fear of losing Kendall had faded; perhaps it was earlier when Kendall reinforced that he missed Logan just as desperately. "Where is he now?"

"Went down to practice at the rink. I think he sensed that I needed a few minutes of solitude. But he's excited to be on the team and promised he'd handle dinner tonight, so I can focus on unpacking. Nice guy," Kendall repeated. "I'm actually antsy to get down there and check it out myself."

"Well, we won't keep you," James said pointedly.

"It's fine, I miss my little Logie."

Logan's resulting blush made James crow in delight. "Little Logie? Is that what you call him?"

"Kendall, please, the guy does not need anymore nicknames for me. I already have about a dozen, and not one of them is nice."

"Hey, I did have one that complimented your-"

"Talk to you later, Kendall!" Logan called out, making sure James didn't finish that sentence. "I should be getting to my dorm sometime in the middle of the night, so I'll just text when I do."

"Call if you need to, buddy. James? Take care of him."

"I'm trying, but he's stubborn."

"Pot calling the kettle black," Logan muttered. "See ya, Kendall. You can call anytime you need me, too, though you might have to put up with this jerk if it's tonight."

"Got it. And happy birthday, James. I saw the video, it was cute."

"What video?" James wanted to know. "Logan, did you-"

"Bye, Kendall!" Logan ended the call. "Yes, I did. You really were adorable this morning."

"You sent him that?"

"Is that okay?"

"I guess," James answered, talking with another mouthful. "I really wanted to tell him we kissed."

"You can't. We agreed, nobody knows."

"I know. But it was killing me not to just now."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just..." Before James could finish, his own phone buzzed next to his elbow. "Fuck."

"Answer it, please," Logan urged. "Give her a chance; maybe the time away has given her a change of heart."

"Yeah, that's never gonna happen."

James did accept the call, though, immediately putting it on speaker and pressing a finger to his lips. "Hey, Mom."

"Where are you?"

"Halfway to California. Where are _you?_ "

"Don't sass me, young man. Why aren't you on your way back yet?"

"I told you, I'm not coming home."

"James, I don't have time for this nonsense. If you need money for a plane ticket from whatever God-forsaken town you're in, just tell me and I'll wire it to you. Stop being difficult."

"I don't need money, and I don't need a plane ticket." The first was a lie, but Logan kept his mouth shut while James continued. "One day I'll be famous and you'll remember this conversation and you'll be really happy I didn't back down."

"James Diamond, tell me where you are right now and get your ass back here this instant!"

"Mom...come on." The sadness was creeping up again in hazel eyes that Logan preferred to see dancing. "Just once, support me. Please."

"Your father's worried about you."

"Oh bullshit, Dad's just pissed I won't be around for him to pick on anymore."

"I'll never understand why you have such hatred toward your father, but-"

"I've told you why! You don't listen!" James yelled, and Logan glanced around to find people were beginning to stare. He used his hand in a "keep it down" gesture and James immediately lowered his voice. "Mom, you don't believe anything I tell you, so I gave up. But that doesn't mean everything I told you wasn't true, or wasn't still happening. I'm finally happy today, for the first time in my life I'm truly happy, and if you loved me, you'd support that."

"Don't tell me I don't support you, I've fed you from the time you were born. Nobody else is going to look out for you, James. Nobody else is going to make sure you get three square meals and that you have a safe place to sleep at night. The sooner you give up this silly notion of fame, the better."

James' gaze had strayed to Logan during her rant. "Hang up," Logan mouthed.

"My lunch is here, Mom, I gotta go. But you have a nice day."

"James Diamond, don't you dare-"

James didn't dare, but Logan did it for him. Using one finger to press the button, Logan disconnected the call.

"See why I don't call her?" James asked.

"Yeah. Maybe you're right; maybe she's not going to change."

"If she does, it'll be long after I'm gone. Not until she realizes I'm not coming home, because she still thinks I'm gonna go running back."

"I know. We'll just have to make sure you don't."

David was suddenly there and setting plates of food between them, Logan moving the basket to make room for everything. After reassuring David that they didn't need anything else, Logan let his eyes roam over James' plate while James did the same to his.

"Want some of my enchiladas?" James offered. "I'll trade you one for a taco."

"Deal," Logan said immediately. The exchange was made and they grinned at each other while digging in, Logan glad he'd gotten the tacos so they could work it this way.

"What about _your_ mom?" James said after two minutes of shoveling in food.

"What about her?"

"You gonna call her?"

"I texted her."

"Call her."

"Why?"

"Because I know you miss her and you're too embarrassed to talk in front of me in case I make fun of you."

Logan took another bite off his taco instead of replying.

"Oh, you're probably also afraid I won't be quiet."

"There is that," Logan admitted.

"I swear I will. Just call her."

"Why, James?"

"She'll be glad to hear your voice. Most moms are like that," he said wistfully, and Logan's heart squeezed a little.

"Promise you'll be quiet?"

"Swear."

"I should just wait until we finish eating, but we do have another stop to make and I don't want to waste more time than we have to. Not that getting your surprise will be a waste," Logan added hurriedly.

"Am I gonna like it?"

"Yes. Just don't order dessert here."

"I get more dessert?" James exclaimed, the hazel eyes finally dancing again.

"It's a surprise. Now shhhhh."

Logan placed a call to his mother, keeping it on speaker because he sensed that what James really wanted was to hear a mother who actually cared for her son.

"Hi, honey!" his mom said in greeting. "This is a nice surprise, I didn't expect to hear from you until tonight! Is everything okay?"

"Everything's great, Mom. I'm a lot farther behind schedule than I like, but that's because I stopped at the motel last night."

"And I'm glad you did; I saw the weather report, that storm looked nasty."

"It was, I could barely see where I was driving. I didn't want to stop, but..." Remembering that he couldn't let on that James had convinced him to, he finished, "the waiter at dinner talked me into staying."

James scowled across the table, mouthing, "Murderer."

Logan rolled his eyes as his mother responded. "Good, I'm glad someone got through to you. It's not always easy, you know."

"Yes, I know," Logan droned. "How was Kendall's dinner last night?"

"It was fun, he's really excited to go. He's probably already in Texas if you want to call."

"I did, and he's getting settled in with his new roommate."

"Honey, don't let that upset you. We were talking last night and he must have said about five times how much he was going to miss you and was worried about you. I promise, he's not going to abandon you."

"I know. We talked about it, too. I'm a lot better about it now." Distracted by James shoving what looked like an entire half of a taco into his mouth, Logan reached out to pull it back. "Little bites," he whispered, and it was James' turn to roll his eyes.

"Even Katie said she'd miss you."

"She did?" Pointing a warning finger at James, Logan continued to watch him eat—this time only a quarter of the taco. "I didn't think she cared that much."

"Who's Katie?" James mouthed.

"Kendall's sister," he whispered.

"She does," Logan's mom replied. "You know she doesn't like to show it, but she told me last night that you've become family and she likes that you don't try to hug her or ruffle her hair the way most people do. She said she's really going to miss you, honey."

"Aww," Logan smiled. "She'll miss my help on her math homework, that's for sure."

"Oh, and I tried that new berry cake recipe you found for me! It was fantastic."

James grinned, reminded of Logan's comment that his mother was always trying new things.

"I'll bet it was. Hey Mom, have you ever heard of a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting?"

Perking up with a wider smile, James mouthed, "Orgasm." Logan reached out to smack his arm hard, causing James to crack up with a hand raised to muffle the sound.

"I hate you," Logan whispered, and James only waved a hand while Logan's mother continued to speak.

"-but it sounds like something you'd enjoy. How about I make that for Thanksgiving, when you come home?"

"Okay, but we can still have apple pie, right?"

"Of course, Logan. And pumpkin pie because you can't do Thanksgiving without that."

"And ice cream," slipped out of James' mouth, his expression yearning. Logan's eyes bugged out but his mother didn't seem to notice anything amiss.

"Yes, ice cream, too," she chuckled. "Where are you, honey?"

"In Rock Springs, Wyoming. Should hit Utah pretty soon, then it's just Nevada and California. I'll be getting into L.A. really late, but I'll call anyway."

"Please do, Logan. I miss you already. You spent a lot of time in your room or with Kendall, but I liked knowing you were here."

His heart expanding, Logan smiled. "I miss you, too, Mom. And one thing I've learned on this trip is how lucky I am to have a mom like you. Thanks for loving me and always being there when I needed you."

James' eyes moistened slightly and he blinked, Logan sliding a hand out to squeeze his wrist.

"Of course, honey. That's what moms do. I'll let you get going, but make sure to keep me posted on your drive."

"I will. Love you."

"Love you, too, sweetheart. Bye."

"Bye, Mom."

There was a long stretch of silence before James spoke, the food forgotten. "I hope you know you're the luckiest bastard alive."

Logan nodded slowly. "I do know. And I'm sorry."

"For having a great mom?"

"For causing you pain. You wanted me to call, though, so-"

"Don't be sorry for that. I just...just once, I wanted to know what that's like. I want that, you know? For a mom to talk to me that way."

"Yeah. Maybe this mystery girl of yours will have a mom like that, and she'll adopt you into the family like a son."

"That's so far in the future, though. And come on, let's be honest. What great chick would go for me? I'm not that smart, I don't have anything going for me other than my looks, and—"

"Not true," Logan argued. "You've got heart. Even Kendall said that before I met you, and I've seen it myself. You've got a big heart and the drive to make something of yourself. Not that you aren't enough right now, but I know you want to be so much more. Determination and persistence are very attractive to some people."

"Yeah, not the kind of people I hook up with; most of them kind of laugh it off when I tell them my plans for the future."

"Well, James, I think you hit on the problem right there—you're looking for something more substantial than a hook-up, but that's all you ever allow yourself. And I know you're focused on your goal but who says you can't meet someone to help you get there? I don't mean sleeping your way to the top, I'm talking about a companion, someone to share your joy with. And especially your failures, because while _you're_ not a failure, that doesn't mean there won't be setbacks along the way."

Thinking that over, James said, "My acting teacher always says that if you don't get a part, it's because there's something better out there for you."

"I agree. So keep that in mind if things don't go the way you expect them to, okay? There's something great waiting for you, and there's someone out there who is everything you need. I just hope you're not so focused on your career that you miss it when it comes along." Logan froze, his mouth hanging open slightly.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I just gave you the same advice my mom gave me. When she said it, I brushed it off. I thought it was lame. Seeing it from the outside, though...wow. Now I get what she meant."

James smiled softly. "See? You _can_ learn from me. About more than kissing and sex."

"Apparently so." Still shaken, Logan gestured toward James' plate. "Finish your taco so we can go. I'm shocked that I cleaned my plate before you did."

"I was emotional."

"I know. Nothing to be ashamed of, buddy."

The smile widened before James took another bite from his taco, and they spent the remainder of the meal lost in their own thoughts of the future.

* * *

As James was totally expecting some kind of sweets for dessert, Logan was proud of himself for managing to shock James with the sushi. His face when they stepped out of the car was priceless, Logan managing to snap a quick picture with his phone before James reacted verbally.

"You got me sushi!" he screamed.

"Hope you're not too full to eat it, but I figured sushi doesn't take up much room."

"You're the best ever, Logan! I can't believe you surprised me twice!"

Without warning, Logan was lifted off his feet and swung around in circles. "Whoa, watch the phone, I almost dropped it!"

"This is so amazing!" James slapped a sloppy kiss to Logan's cheek before setting him down and running to the door. "It's so hard to find sushi back home. I hope this place is good."

James opened the door and ran inside, Logan calling after him, "Get it to go, we're not eating here!" Once alone, he grinned while opening a text to Kendall.

" _I got him sushi and he's like a little kid. Actually picked me up off the ground and swung me around."_

The reply was quick to come back. _"He touched you? And you let him? How did you ever survive?"_

Logan had forgotten for a second that Kendall knew nothing of how close they'd actually been. He answered with, _"Funny. You hit the ice yet?"_

" _Just about to lace up. My roommate's really happy to see me. He's the exact opposite of you and I don't know how to respond to his enthusiasm."_

" _Welcome to the club. Still not sure how I haven't killed James yet."_

" _You like him. And it's okay."_

The glass door to the small restaurant opened suddenly. "Logan, come on!"

Only then remembering he was the one paying, Logan pocketed his phone and stepped inside.

"Anything I want?" James asked.

"It's your birthday. Don't break the bank, but yeah—anything you want."

Reaching out to grab Logan's hand, James dragged him to the counter and forced him to order something as well.

It wouldn't be James any other way.


	12. Chapter 12

Their next stretch was a very long three-hour drive through nothing but nature, and while it was gorgeous to look at, it made staying awake difficult after the first two hours. James sacked out an hour into the trek, the ever-present jacket like a blanket over him, and Logan lasted another forty-five minutes before fatigue crept up. He managed fifteen minutes more, but when his eyes grew heavy, he reached out to shake James.

There was another gasp as James came awake, but no tortured cry this time. "What? Are we there?" he asked groggily.

"No, I'm tired. Help me stay awake."

"Oh. Sure." James sat up straighter and braced himself with the seat, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry, the sushi filled me up."

"It's fine, and I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Yours would've been better with the sauce, if you'd just used it."

"I didn't want it."

"Booooooring," James teased.

"You said the same thing about my taste in ice cream."

"It was true."

"I like things plain, okay? There's nothing wrong with that."

"No. But definitely boring. I bet your first girlfriend will be boring, too."

"Don't judge my future wife."

"Wife?" James echoed in disbelief. "Your first girlfriend is going to be your wife? How can you possibly know that?"

"Because I'm not going to kiss anyone that I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with. Who's got time for that?"

"You kissed me," James pointed out.

"That was different. You know why I did that."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you can't practice with other people, too. And that's a lot of pressure to put on someone. 'I'd love to kiss you, but I have to make sure you're someone I want to marry first.' How does that make someone feel? And they might get tired of waiting in the meantime."

"If they think I'm worth it, they won't have a problem waiting."

"How is that fair to them? Trust me, Logan, anyone who dates you is going to have a hard time keeping their hands off you."

"Not everyone is a sex fiend, James. I intend to marry someone who isn't obsessed with it."

"Boooooring," James sang out again.

"Okay, then you tell me what a perfect mate is like. In _your_ eyes. Someone who craves sex all the time?"

"No, just craves _me_ all the time. I don't want someone totally sex-crazed, because then they'll get it anywhere they can. And if I'm shooting on location for months, I want to know they can live without it while I'm gone and not go straying. I demand loyalty."

"Really?" Logan questioned.

"Yeah. Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I guess loyalty doesn't seem like something you care too much about, considering you're with a different person every night."

"Not _every_ night, don't make me out to be a whore."

"Okay, sorry," Logan apologized. "But you know what I mean. It's all hook-ups."

"So I'm not allowed to fall in love? Not allowed to be so attracted to one person that nobody else even gets me hot anymore?"

"I didn't say that, James. I'm basing all of this off of your past."

"But you're asking about my future. And that's what I want—someone who completely blows everyone else away so much that I can't even look at anyone anymore. And I want that person to feel the same way about me."

"That's...a lot to ask."

"Well, so is your idea of waiting to kiss someone until you know it's gonna last forever. Not a lot of guys will put up with that."

"Pretty sure I'm going to marry a girl."

"You sure as hell don't seem to mind kissing guys," James reminded him. "And what about Todd? You were into him, and he was a guy."

"I don't know," Logan growled, frustrated with the conversation. "Why are we even talking about this?"

"Because you asked what I want in a soulmate. I'm just telling you."

"Fine. Someone who can't stop thinking about sex with you. Is that it, or is there more?"

"There's more," James admitted. "You already know I want someone who cares."

"Most significant others do care, James; it's a given."

"Just like most moms wish their kids happy birthday instead of yelling at them? And say how much they miss them when they move across the country?"

Sorry for making James think about that, Logan said, "It's different with a mate. We choose that. If someone chooses to date you, I would assume that person cares about you."

"True, but you also assumed you would never kiss anyone you didn't love. Look how that turned out."

Logan groaned quietly, hating it when James managed to prove him wrong. "You know why I did it."

"I do, but it only proves my point, Logan. Not everyone who hooks up is in love. And not everyone who ends up dating me will care the way I want them to. I just want to be happy, you know? And I know you think I'm high maintenance and that I'll have all these demands on whoever I end up with, but the truth is I'm not asking much. Just...someone who loves me. _Really_ loves me. Because if I have that, everything else will fall in line. When you love someone, you take care of them. You worry about them. You miss them when they're gone. You see them when you close your eyes at night and wonder what they're doing, wonder if they're thinking about you, too. And that's all I want-someone to love who loves me back."

Logan was quiet as he absorbed that, reminded of his mother's words the night before he'd left home. When James offered nothing else, he said, "I think that's what everyone wants—to feel loved and special, like somebody out there sees something in you that they can't find anywhere else."

"Yeah. But I want that passion, too. I've had so much sex in my life, and it always feels good. There has never been a time that it didn't, once I got past the pain of my first anal fuck." James gave Logan a few seconds to get past the embarrassed, shocked reaction that resulted from the words, then continued. "Sex always feels good, but I want something that lasts, something that consumes me so much that I can't think about anything else." When Logan remained quiet for the next few miles, James said, "Go ahead, I know you're dying to ask."

"What?"

"You want to ask about sex, because now you're curious."

"Actually, no. I know all about it."

"From books."

"No, Kendall has...shared a lot with me. He's been around the block a few times."

"Oh, right. Yeah, Shelly said he was good in the sack."

"He'd be pleased to hear that," Logan replied. "So thanks for the offer, but Kendall has shared enough details with me that I have a good understanding of what sex is like."

"Fine," James pouted, attempting to hide his disappointment by turning to stare out the window.

"Why are you so sad about this? Because you enjoy bringing up subjects that make me squirm?"

"Partly, yeah. It's fun to watch you react."

"You're an asshole."

"See, you've got gay sex on the brain," James teased.

"What? What are you even..."

"Talking about assholes," James grinned. "Get it?"

"That's just gross."

"Come on, don't act like you're not curious about it all. I saw your face when I talked about the pain."

"There's no curiosity. I'm sure it hurts, and I probably understand more about why that is than you do."

"It doesn't always hurt. If you do it enough, your body gets used to it and then it just feels good."

"I can't even imagine that," Logan said honestly. "What that would feel like."

"It's better than you think. I was scared my first time, but the guy was experienced and knew how to break me in. By the time it was over, I was begging for more."

"Yes, but you're a sex fiend."

"Don't judge me until you've had sex. If you go as crazy about that as you do over kissing, I bet you'll be thinking about it all the time."

"I didn't go crazy over the kissing," Logan argued.

"Yeah, you did. I'm not complaining, you're a natural. Kissing you is..."

"What?" Logan wanted to know. "It's what?"

"Not horrible," was all James said.

"Gee, thanks."

"Look, I already gave you a nickname that should tell you what I thought of it, okay?"

Logan's lips curved up on one side as he remembered "Mr. My-Kisses-Are-Hotter-Than-The-Sun." "Yeah, you did. So that's true?"

"I wouldn't say it if it wasn't."

Logan grinned, extremely proud of himself.

"Oh god, now you're gonna be full of yourself all the way to L.A."

"Let me have my five seconds of pride."

"No, because it's annoying. I'm gonna talk about anal sex again."

"James, please, for the love of...why must you do that?"

"I told you," James smirked. "It's fun watching you squirm. And Kendall can talk to you for days about sex, but he can't tell you a thing about _that_ , now can he?"

"It's not something I want to hear about."

"But why? It's incredible. There's nothing like the feeling of someone moving inside you."

"James, enough! You've ruined my moment, so you can stop now!"

"Aww, that wasn't really my goal. You _should_ be proud of yourself for what you did, I know how hard it was for you."

"Don't patronize me."

"No idea what that means."

"Forget it, just...stop talking for awhile."

"Fine," James replied, pulling the jacket over himself again and tipping the seat back. "Wake me when we stop in Deer Creek."

"There's not a lot there; it's a state park so there won't be much in the way of stores."

"I just need a toilet and a snack. There'll be a gas station, right?"

"Yes."

"Fine."

It was about ten minutes before the silence began to get to Logan. All he'd wanted was for James to shut up, but once James did it was too quiet and Logan missed the noise. He glanced down to see if James was asleep, and while he appeared to be, Logan sensed that he wasn't. As James had predicted, Logan's mind kept drifting to sex; he knew from Kendall what it felt like to engage in sex with a girl (or at least what Kendall had been able to put into words), but James' comment about "someone moving inside you" kept running through his head.

Bracing himself and already suffering the flush of embarrassment in his neck and cheeks, Logan asked, "What _does_ it feel like?"

There was only a two-second delay before James answered. "Someone moving inside you?" He kept his eyes closed and remained in his semi-prone position, but Logan knew he was wide awake.

"Yeah."

"It's...hard to put into words. Like something alive. I've used toys before and it's nothing like-"

"Oh god, James," Logan interrupted, face now scarlet as he was almost sorry he'd asked the question.

"Sorry, you wanted to know. It stretches you and it should hurt, but instead it just feels amazing. I like that better than topping, to tell you the truth."

"Do you um..." Clearing his throat, Logan forced the words out in a rush. "Do you come when someone's...you know."

"Usually. It takes some help with my hand, or with his, but yeah. It turns me on enough that it's never a problem."

"But Kendall talked about how good it feels to be the one...you know."

"Penetrating?" James prodded, eyes still closed as if he knew Logan wouldn't be able to speak at all otherwise; he probably _did_ know.

"Yeah. And it makes sense, I understand how the nerve endings are set up and why stimulation of the penis results in ejaculation. But-"

"You sound like a textbook sometimes."

"Well, I can't help it. This is hard for me, okay?"

"I know." His eyelids parted finally, hazel gazing up and across. "But you don't have to be embarrassed. It's natural to be curious."

Taking time to center himself, Logan moved forward. "I'm just saying that I understand why being the...you know. The one doing the actual..."

"Fucking?"

"Yes," Logan sighed. "I get why that feels good. What I don't get is how it feels good the other way."

"Girls come from being fucked."

"Yes, but they also have nerve endings in place that facilitate that. It's how they're built. We are not built to be penetrated in other orifices."

"What do you think a blow job is? That's another orifice, as you so nerdily put it."

"I know, but women don't come from giving blow jobs. And that's my point. How does-"

"I'm sure there are women that do, Logan. Men, too. Because it's all in the brain, right? Isn't your brain in charge of pleasure in the first place? I heard that once, that if you're turned on enough, you don't have to be touched at all. You can just...let it go."

"I don't believe that."

"What, there haven't been scientific tests done about it?"

"How would I know?" Logan countered irritably. "That's not something I do research on."

"Maybe you should. If you have all these questions-"

"I never had them before I met you!"

James grinned. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"Why are you so aggravating?"

"Why do you keep asking questions if you don't want to know?"

"Just tell me, James. What does it feel like to have someone move inside you?"

"There's not an easy answer to that, Logan. I'm sure it's different for everyone. You probably wouldn't like it, but that's because you wouldn't know how to relax long enough to enjoy it. If you're tense, it just hurts."

"Fine. That's all I needed to know. Thank you."

"Logan?"

"What?!" he snapped, at the end of his rope.

"If you really want to know and are too embarrassed to ask, I'll show you."

Logan's face once again turned scarlet, the hyperventilation returning and his throat closing up.

"We can find a place to do it in private, nobody has to-"

"Absolutely not!"

"Okay. Fine. I was just saying that if you really want to know, I'm offering. Just like with the kiss, you can satisfy that curiosity and then we'll forget it ever happened."

"Thank you, but this time I'm really not at all curious."

"Okay."

"Good."

"Fine."

James closed his eyes for the rest of the drive to Deer Creek, Logan angry with both James and himself because the issue wasn't James offering—it was that even hours after their last kiss, Logan still wasn't able to forget it ever happened.

* * *

They were returning from the tiny convenience store in Deer Creek when James asked, "Didn't you get anything?"

"No, I'm good. We're stopping for dinner in two hours."

"Best news I've heard all day." James opened his door when Logan popped the locks. "No offense, dude, but I'm starting to get sick of this car."

"You're not alone."

"Want me to dump the trash? I have a new bag now."

"That would be great, thanks."

Logan pumped gas while James did that, then after stretching for another minute they both settled into the car again.

"Have you seen any deer?" James asked suddenly.

"Not yet, why?"

"Well, the place is called Deer Creek. I think I saw the creek when we drove in, but I looked for deer and saw nothing."

Logan shrugged. "Hopefully one doesn't charge in front of the car while I'm driving. Don't jinx me, buddy."

James snacked on chips and candy as Logan drove the park's main road, which was also the highway. "It really is pretty out here," James commented. "You should pull over for a little to appreciate it."

"I just want to get there. Maybe I'll take another drive someday and enjoy it more."

"That would be fun. Bring along that girl you're gonna marry. Or would she be too boring to appreciate nature?"

"I hope not." Fearing the current conversation would steer them back to another argument, Logan changed the subject. "I've been wondering about something you told me yesterday."

"That you're gorgeous?" James asked while chomping on a candy bar.

"No, why do you have to keep bringing that up? You know it makes me uncomfortable," Logan complained. "Just like the kissing, you have to keep shoving that in my face, and I only did it because I wanted to be ready but you-"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything. What do you want to ask me?"

Logan sighed and gathered his thoughts. "You said you're a Scorpio."

"Yeah."

"I don't see how that's possible if your birthday is today."

James stopped chewing long enough to stare at Logan as if he was being pranked. "You're...kidding, right?"

"No. Is today really your birthday?"

"Yes! Why in the hell would I lie about that?"

"I don't know. I don't understand why you do half the things you do. But if you were a Scorpio, your birthday would be in November. Or late October."

"Says who?"

"What?"

"Says who?" James repeated. "Who says there's a rule that you can't have a birthday on any day of the year and still be a Scorpio?"

Logan was dumbfounded long enough that James began to munch again before he spoke. "Uh...the constellations? You do know what those are, right?"

"The stars in the sky, right?"

"Yes, James. The zodiac reflects the constellations in the sky, and the order of astrological signs is determined by Earth's orbit through those constellations."

"Which means what? I'm starting to feel like I'm back in school."

"Which means," Logan explained, "that the signs go in order depending on when you were born. _If_ you believe all that stuff, anyway."

"I do."

"If your birthday is today, that would make you a Leo. Did someone tell you you're a Scorpio?"

"No. But I flipped through a book once that talked about all the signs. When I got to Scorpio, it sounded exactly like me."

"I see. So...you decided you must be a Scorpio?"

"Yeah. But you're saying it depends on when you were born?"

"Yes," Logan nodded, grasping for patience. "Your zodiac sign is determined by your birthdate."

"Oh. Then how come Scorpios are just like me?"

"I honestly don't know too much about astrology; I tend to stay away from that because I don't believe in any of it. But the fact that you're so like a sign that isn't yours only proves my point that it's unreliable and not an exact science."

"So what's a Leo like?"

"Couldn't tell you. I know it's symbolized by a lion, so maybe they have lion-like qualities?"

"What are you?"

"I'm a Taurus. I was born in May."

"What do they say about those?"

Logan shrugged, obviously not putting any stock in anything he'd read. "Everything I've read says we're stubborn-" James busted up, and Logan cleared his throat before continuing. "We're said to be stubborn, and like art and music, and enjoy beautiful things."

"That explains your attraction to me," James grinned.

"You are so conceited!" Logan exclaimed. "Do you ever stop?"

"Sometimes. Go on. What else?"

"I don't know. We like classy things. We're not fans of sleaze or filth. We're also said to be dependable and hard-working."

"You know, for someone who doesn't believe in any of that stuff, you sure know a lot."

"I read it all growing up, before I knew it was crap."

"Mm-hm. What about in love? How are you in love?"

"I don't remember."

"Don't lie to me."

Logan sighed heavily, sorry he'd brought the topic up. "Loyal. We're said to be loyal and caring and protective, and to be very passionate."

James' eyes narrowed. "What's your animal?"

"A bull."

After blinking a few times while absorbing that, James groaned and slammed his head back against the seat.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I bet you're an amazing fuck."

It wasn't because Logan was surprised by comments like that that the car swerved slightly, but more that the comment was so sudden and unexpected in the moment. "Seriously, why do you say things like that?"

"Because! A bull? That's like the hottest thing ever!"

"How is that hot? What makes a bull-"

"Think about it, Logan. Well, no; you wouldn't get it, because you have no concept of what it's like to be pounded so hard that-"

"La la la la la la!"

"Oh my god, did you really just do that? And you say _I'm_ a child?"

"I don't want to hear about that!"

"You asked!"

"I did not! I asked about your birth sign, what does that have to do with-"

"You asked about Scorpios, and they're all about sex."

"Of course," Logan replied with a roll of his eyes. "No wonder you thought that was your sign. I can't believe you just chose it, that you had no idea it's not something you can-"

"Don't make fun of me."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I just...you flustered me. You always do, and you take joy in it."

"Sometimes. This time I wasn't saying that to make you squirm. I seriously think you'd be incredible in bed, once you let go. I mean, your kisses are insane; when you stopped fighting it last night I felt like-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of!"

"I don't care! Why do you always have to bring sex into everything?"

"Well, ten minutes ago I would've said it's because I'm a Scorpio. But you ruined that for me."

"I'm not sorry. You were misinformed."

"Whatever. All I was saying is that once you understand sex and learn to enjoy it, you're gonna make a girl very happy. Or a guy, if that's the direction you go in."

When Logan said nothing in response to that, his lips pressed together tightly as if annoyed, James said, "At the risk of pissing you off further, can I ask you a question?"

"No."

"I just don't understand how you're not curious at all. I admit I got a really early start with sex, but even regular teenagers can't help wondering about it and being curious by the time they're fifteen or so."

"Thanks for once again pointing out that I'm a freak."

"Logan, come on. Stop being so defensive."

"Then stop attacking me."

"I'm not attacking you!" Realizing this wasn't working, James tried again. "I just don't get why you don't have questions."

"I did," Logan admitted, surprising James.

"You did?"

"Yeah. Kendall answered a lot of them for me."

"Oh. Right. I forgot about him."

"He shared everything with me and answered any questions I had, so...there's no real need to be curious."

As gently as possible, James said, "But Logan, hearing about it isn't the same as experiencing it. That's all I'm saying."

"It's good enough for me."

"Remember when we talked about tools?"

"What?"

"Yesterday. We talked about my hair and face being my tools, and your scalpel being yours?"

"Yes," Logan replied hesitantly, wondering where James was going with this.

"Do you know how to perform surgery?"

"Not exactly, I haven't gone to medical school yet. That comes later."

"Right. And I'm sure you'll read all about it in books, and maybe even see movies about it in class, right?"

"I would assume. What's your point?"

"I saw some T.V. show once where the students were cutting up dead people. Like...for practice. Is that what happens?"

"Well, in med school I'm sure I'll dissect a cadaver, if that's what you're referring to."

"Yeah, that. And why do you do that?"

"James, what does this have to do with anything?"

"Why do you cut up a dead body?"

"All medical students do it, to prepare ourselves and to understand the human body better."

"But can't you learn the same thing from reading a book?"

"No, because when you actually see it and feel it and—oh. You're a jerk."

"Because I proved my point?"

"Because you used my career against me."

"I just explained it to you on your own terms, in words you'll understand. It's the same thing with sex, Logan. You can read about it in a thousand books, and even watch porn until you pass out from jacking off so many times, but you can't know what it's really like until you experience it with someone else."

"How are you only eighteen and already so familiar with sex and toys and...whatever else you're into?"

"Like I said, got an early start. I liked it, so I kept doing it."

"Are you aware there's such a thing as sex addiction?" James rolled his eyes, but Logan continued. "I'm serious. It's a real addiction, like drugs and alcohol. Or gambling. You crave it constantly. I'm starting to wonder if you have a problem."

"My only problem right now is that I'm out of chips and we're not stopping for another..." James glanced at the clock. "Hour and a half?"

"About that. Don't avoid the issue."

"I'm not. But I'll say again that until you've had sex yourself, you don't get to judge me. Call me after your first time and we'll debate this when you know what you're talking about."

"Good. Does that mean we won't talk about it anymore?"

"Have you at least jacked off?"

Expression more irritated than embarrassed, Logan answered his own question. "Of course it doesn't; that would be too easy."

"You have, right? I mean, every guy has by the time he's eighteen."

"We've already established I'm a freak."

"So you haven't? Come on, you're naturally curious about everything! You love to learn."

"Isn't that a little personal, James?"

"Logan, you spent an hour kissing me like you never wanted to stop. My tongue was down your throat. I think we can get a little personal."

"And I told you I didn't want to talk about it again but you keep throwing it in my face."

"Just answer the question."

"Yes."

"Yes? You have?"

"Did I stutter?"

"Okay." Excited, James shifted in the seat to face Logan. "So then you know about orgasms, right? That happened?"

Logan swallowed hard, body tense the way it had been for so much of the previous day as the panic returned.

"No," James moaned, "why are you doing that? Don't do that, don't freeze up on me."

"I can't talk about it," Logan whispered.

"Why? I promise I won't make fun of you. If anyone understands that sort of thing, it's me."

Logan shook his head.

"Please? Just open up to me, Logan. I talked to you for a long time about my mom. I let you in. Let me help you the same way."

"This isn't something I need help with. It's not a problem."

"It is when talking about it sends you into a panic attack. What happened? Was it just once?"

Face white, Logan managed a half-nod.

"Oh my god, did you get caught? Did your mom walk in? That would be enough to-"

"No," Logan interrupted. "I was home alone."

"Okay. And?"

"And...it was...I just couldn't relax."

James bit his tongue against the sarcastic words that almost broke free.

"Go ahead, I know you want to laugh."

"I'm not laughing," James promised. "You tried and couldn't finish?"

"Yeah," Logan admitted quietly. "It felt good, but...I couldn't enjoy it. I don't really know why."

"Because you couldn't relax," James said, his voice not mocking but gentle. "You thought about it too much instead of just feeling. I don't know what it is inside you that keeps you wound up so tight, but it holds you back. Maybe it's the Taurus thing."

"Taurans are supposed to like sex a lot."

"Really? What about Leos?"

"Told you, I haven't read up on those. But since you do, they probably love it."

"Except you don't believe in any of that," James smirked.

"Well, lions are most certainly proud of their manes. That definitely sounds like you."

James fluffed his hair with a grin. "It does. But let's not get too far away from the subject."

"Oh please, can we? I don't want to discuss this anymore, James."

"Our time is limited, Logan. Tonight's the last chance we have to get everything out in the open."

"I've gotten too much out as it is. Whoa, did you see that?" Logan slowed the car to a crawl after making sure no one was behind them.

"Oh no, don't you try to change the subject."

"No, James, look! You wanted to see a deer."

James followed Logan's pointing finger with his gaze, gasping when it settled on a deer grazing behind a tree. "Look! I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid!" Digging frantically for his phone, James managed to slip it out from a pocket. "Stop the car!" he hissed.

"Don't get out, you'll scare it."

"I'm not, just..." Once Logan pulled over as quietly as he was able, James rolled down the window halfway and lifted the phone. "It's so pretty!" he whispered, his face lit up with joy.

"Take your picture so we can go; I don't want to hold up traffic."

"There's no one behind us, relax." James aimed, though, and snapped at least five pictures before Logan got the car moving again. "Hey! I wasn't done!"

"Sorry, there are cars coming now. Did you get it, though?"

"I did! Look, it even lifted its head in this one!"

"I'm driving," Logan reminded him. "I'll look later."

"Okay, cool. That was so awesome! Thanks, Logan!"

"Glad I could make your day."

James turned sideways in the seat again to face Logan, leaning his head against the rest. "You did, you know."

"Did what?"

"You've totally made my day. Starting last night with actually saying the words, then-"

"Which words?" Logan frowned.

"Happy birthday. I mean, Shelly said them, too, but hearing it in person is better. Then you let me kiss you, and then we made out for a while, and I'll pretend I don't see you blushing over there, and then this morning with the candle and the cake and the singing...oh, and sushi. Can't forget sushi. Now you got me a deer and-"

"I really didn't have much to do with the deer, James. It was just there."

"But you showed it to me. I know we're not what anyone would call friends, but today you treated me like one. I won't ever forget it, Logan. You made me believe in myself again. That's the best gift anyone's ever given me."

Extremely glad he was focused on driving because it gave him an excuse to avoid James' gaze, Logan nodded. "You deserve all that."

"Even though I'm annoying and a jerk and full of myself?"

"Yes," Logan laughed. "Even though. Everyone has their good qualities to go with the bad."

"Some of us just need a little push to bring them to the surface," James teased.

"Please don't start complimenting my kissing again. I can't handle that."

"You know, there _is_ one guaranteed way to shut me up."

"Leave you stranded at the side of the road?"

"Shut up," James chuckled, reaching out to shove Logan.

"Ow, I'm driving here!"

"You're also laughing, which means you don't really mind it. But anytime you need me to quit talking, just kiss me. I promise that'll work. You owe me one anyway."

"Since when?"

"Since this morning, when you promised me one more before dropping me off."

"Oh, right. But I kissed you earlier, when you were upset. Remember that?"

"Ah, damn."

"Sorry, buddy. I keep my promises, and I already fulfilled that one."

"Damn," James said again, shaking his head. "Way to kill my joy, Mr. Dreamslasher."

"Now I'm just picturing that guy with the knives on his hands who kills people in their dreams."

"Well, I could've called you Mr. Probably-Fucks-Like-a-Jackhammer, but you'd yell at me for that."

Refusing to rise to the bait, Logan kept his lips sealed, but had to turn away so James wouldn't suspect the visions now in his head.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N-In the previous chapter, the astrological traits mentioned came from my own knowledge. For this one I used actual quotes from different sources but I wrote this so long ago that I no longer remember which sites I used, so I can't properly credit them.

And I haven't said this yet but there is someone who reads over my stories and gives me feedback and suggestions before I post, so I wanted to thank her for all of her support. If you're reading this, you know who you are and I'm grateful for you. :)

* * *

By the time they stopped for dinner in Beaver, Utah (a name James went into a giggle fit when he heard), the sun had dipped below the horizon so that they stepped out of the car under a mass of stars.

"Wow, look at the moon," James commented, pulling his jacket closer against the chill. "It's huge tonight."

It was, Logan nodding as his gaze roamed the sky. "Not a cloud up there. That's beautiful. We'll be able to see the stars better when we get away from town again."

James' head was tipped back as he stared up. "My mom used to sit in the backyard with me and point out the stars. When I was little."

"Your mom?" Logan asked in surprise, reaching out to tug on James' hand to get him moving toward the restaurant.

"Yeah. She wasn't always a bitch."

"When did things change?"

"When she went to work. Dad used to be the one working, but he couldn't hold down a job for very long. When I started school, Mom got a job. That became her entire focus. Suddenly we weren't important anymore."

James held the door for Logan as usual, but this time Logan pulled him through by the hand to keep him close. "I bet you miss those days."

"More than you can possibly imagine," James sighed, then stopped behind Logan to wait for two other couples to be seated before them. "Well, this is it, Logan." James' hands rested on Logan's shoulders from behind. "Our last dinner together. Your last chance to spoil me rotten before we never see each other again."

"Anything you want," Logan chuckled, sadness rising before he dismissed it. He twisted his head back to speak, breath catching when their lips came close to meeting. "Happy birthday, James."

James' gaze burned into his, Logan seeing the desire in his eyes and surprised by the answering wave that swept through him. He broke free from James' grasp in a panic to get away, the sensations scaring him so much that he was hit with a need to run. Spying a hallway that ran along the left side of the building, he mumbled, "Bathroom. I'll find you."

"Logan, wait," James tried, but Logan was already halfway down the hall.

Logan closed himself in a stall and leaned against a wall of it, attempting to breathe. There was no way James hadn't seen that in him, sensed what he was feeling; James could read him better than Kendall, and how had that happened in two days? James Diamond was the most frustrating, self-centered person Logan had ever met, but somehow he'd managed to figure Logan out so well that he couldn't hide anything. It would be a relief when Logan dropped him off and never had to see that face again, never had to suffer amusement in that smirk or hear another word about sex and kissing. Then he could get back to focusing on his studies, his new school, the classmates he'd meet and the roommate he'd have to live with—one who probably wouldn't like him much at all, because he was boring, and-

The full-blown panic attack hit without warning, no doubt brought on by thoughts of the unknown future and the realization that within a few short hours he'd have to face it, and Logan leaned his head against the stall door while fighting off dizziness. His hands began to shake and his lungs struggled for air. The main door creaked as it was opened, Logan attempting to remain quiet in his terror, but after the sound of footsteps on tile, a familiar voice floated to him.

"I'll kick this one down, too, if I have to."

Unable to get a handle on his brain, Logan reacted without thought. He quickly slid the lock aside and stepped through the door, flinging himself into James' arms and clutching at the jacket while hiding his face in James' chest. Immediately he was enveloped in a tight embrace while brief kisses were rained over his hair.

"I knew you'd be freaking out. Are you thinking of school again?"

Logan nodded, air coming more easily now and the shaking subsiding.

"I've been doing my best to keep your mind off it, but you're gonna have to deal with it. We're hours away and-"

"I know. What if my roommate hates me?"

"Then he's an idiot."

"What if I get lost on the way to classes?"

"You won't. I know you won't. And if you do? So what? You'll figure it out eventually, show up fashionably late. It's not the end of the world, Logan."

"What if-"

"What if we go out there and have a nice dinner before we have to part ways?" Without asking permission, James tipped Logan's chin up and pressed a tender kiss to his mouth. "There'll be time to worry about all of that during the drive. Let's just have one more meal together first."

The kiss chased away a lot of the panic, muting that fear and constant noise as it had the first time. Logan lifted up slightly until they were kissing again, James using his lips to open Logan's wider, and in less than ten seconds Logan was no longer panicked at all as James' tongue explored his mouth. He stepped back, though, afraid to get carried away in a men's room in a small town that most likely wouldn't take kindly to that sort of behavior.

"Better?" James whispered.

"Yeah. Thank you."

James smiled and kissed Logan once more before leading him to a table empty other than menus accompanied by two milkshakes—one chocolate, one strawberry.

"Thought you'd enjoy that," James grinned.

"Thanks."

Logan slid into the booth, stopping halfway but then being shoved up against the wall when James joined him on one side.

"James, there's not enough room here to-"

"We'll manage. I'm not leaving you alone until I know you're okay."

"You can monitor me better from the other side of the table, if that's what you insist on doing."

"But I can feel your body language best from right here. The fact that you're not even tense right now is amazing. I must have magic lips."

Rolling his eyes, Logan said sarcastically, "Right, must be a Leo thing."

"I wonder if it is."

"James, I wasn't serious." When James moved away long enough to pull out his phone before sliding an arm over Logan's shoulders again, Logan added, "I told you that stuff is crap anyway; none of it's true."

"We'll just see about that."

"Why don't we see about dinner first."

"Oh! I didn't even look at the menu, hold on!"

James ordered a double-cheeseburger meal with a side of waffles, hardly sparing a glance at their waitress (who made Logan wonder if there was some factory that churned out petite blondes with long hair and tiny waists), and Logan got adventurous with a full steak dinner accompanied by soup and salad.

"I get a bite of your steak," James demanded.

"Yes, James. Are you going to force waffles on me, too?"

"Hmm, I don't know. I don't share pancakes or waffles with anyone."

"Good, I don't need-"

"But for you, I'll make an exception."

"Oh, joy." Logan was secretly pleased, though, as he'd craved a bite of waffles the moment the word left James' mouth.

"How's your shake?"

"Wonderful. Yours?"

"Not as good as the last one I had, but still pretty good. You'll have room for dessert, right?"

"I doubt it after the dinner I ordered."

"Which I'm gonna help you eat. I bet if you tell them it's my birthday, they'll do something nice for me."

"They probably would," Logan smiled, exhaustion catching up as it always did after a panic attack so that he laid his head on James' shoulder and closed his eyes. James said nothing but lifted a soothing hand into Logan's hair, massaging his scalp gently while using one hand to type on his phone.

"Warm."

"Hmm?" Logan mumbled, so relaxed he was already in a half-doze.

"It says Leos are warm." Hugging Logan against him, James joked, "Am I warm, Logan?"

"You were last night."

"Action-oriented."

"You certainly can't sit still for long. But I suppose it's true, because you made this trip happen. So I'd agree with that. What else?"

"Driven by the desire to be loved and admired."

Logan's shoulders shook with silent laughter. "Oh yeah, that's you, alright. How did you ever think you were anything else?"

"Oh, listen to this!" James gasped. "It says many Leos have successful careers in the performing arts! That's so me!"

"Mm-hm. What are the bad traits? Conceit? The ability to be annoying in two seconds flat?"

"I don't see that on this list, no."

"Liar. Give me that." Logan snatched the phone away and scrolled further down the page. "Pretentious, domineering, melodramatic, stubborn, and vain. Yep, they definitely nailed you."

"I don't know what some of those words mean."

"Trust me, it's all true. Oh, wow, listen to this: 'They need someone to admire them and appreciate them. They are fully capable of being successful on their own but they are much happier if they have an audience and a following of people who look up to them. They would prefer not to be alone.' Sound familiar?"

"Maybe," James hedged.

"Isn't that what you said you want in a soulmate? Someone to love you and appreciate you?"

"Yeah. What else does it say?"

"A bunch of stuff I'm not going to read. But there is a section on what type of friend Leo is, and it sounds exactly like you except for the part where it says you're balanced and realistic. I don't see much of that in you."

"Nothing wrong with dreaming once in a while."

Logan made a noncommittal noise. "It says you know how to lift one's spirits and provide encouragement when times are rough. I'll agree with that. Also, this: 'some Leos might be too caught up in themselves and be very self-centered.' Told you—conceited."

"Doesn't it say anything nice about me?"

"Actually, it goes on to say that you're never too self-absorbed to help anyone in need."

"Aww, see? I'm not all bad."

"No," Logan smiled. "You're not. It calls you the ultimate friend."

"Yeah?" James asked softly. "Would _you_ call me the ultimate friend?"

Logan's soup and salad arrived just then, sparing him an answer. He moved far enough away from James to eat comfortably while James picked up his phone and read more. When he grew quiet and contemplative, Logan asked, "What does it say?"

"Nothing."

Logan's gaze stretched to the phone's small screen to read the words that most likely hit too close to home.

" _Leos are extremely sensitive but they hide that very well. If Leo's friends do not provide the needed appreciation, Leo is too proud to ask for it and they will suffer a hurt ego, but no one will ever know and they will suffer in silence."_

"Enough about me," James said gruffly, scrolling to the top of the page and clicking on Taurus.

"You don't ever tell your mom that you miss her, do you?"

"What does my mom have to do with anything?"

"You suffer in silence, don't you?"

"We're done talking about me. Give me some of your soup and we'll move on to you."

"I'd really rather not, but you can have some soup."

James swallowed a few spoonfuls before returning his attention to the phone. "Dependable, persistent, loyal, patient, and generous. I don't know about the patient part, but the rest is true enough. Ha, it says right here you're stubborn!"

"Yours said stubborn, too, you know."

"And I never denied it. You're also possessive, that's kind of hot."

"How is that hot?"

"It means you'd get jealous if I flirted with someone else, then take me home and remind me I belong to you."

Logan choked on hot broth, reaching for the shake and sucking it down. "Except we're not dating, so that doesn't apply."

"Still, your future wife is a lucky girl."

"Go on."

"Lazy? I don't see you as lazy. Or materialistic."

"See? Astrology lies."

"Does it really, Logan? Listen to this: 'Taurus is not the one who ventures out into the unknown and leads the way. They are perfectly fine on being alone, this way things get done the way they want them to be done.'"

"That's true of a lot of people, James."

"What about me? What about Kendall? Are we that way?"

"Two out of a billion."

"Let's see...Taurus and friendship. 'A Taurus is an excellent friend.' It says you have a few close friends instead of a bunch of acquaintances and that you guard and protect those. 'Friends are treated like family and they are fiercely loyal and dependable.' Definitely true so far."

"You hardly know me."

"I know enough. 'They can be shy around strangers...will always pamper their close group of friends.' Oh, that is so you!"

"Again, that's a lot of people. It's a generalization."

"Oh my god," James whispered, eyes growing wide as he continued to read.

"I don't want to know."

"Yes, you do. 'Taurus are not fond of change. In fact, if change is'...what's that word?"

Logan glanced away from his soup. "Imminent."

"Which means?"

"Uh...on the way. Sure to happen."

"Okay. So. 'If change is imminent, they get very nervous and worried. They do not like anything new because anything new is unknown and Taurus fears the unknown.'"

"You can stop reading now."

"'Taurus needs order in their lives and when they do not have order, they get very anxious. They will cut themselves off from the unfamiliar in order to avoid the feelings of insecurity that arise when new experiences and situations are present.' My god, Logan, no wonder you have panic attacks every five minutes. This move must be torture for you."

"Why don't you try some of this salad? The dressing is really good."

"I don't understand how you can say this stuff isn't true. 'Taurus do not express their feelings openly and their inner self is contained and secretive. Many people do not know how sensitive Taurus really is, they hide it well. They avoid talking about their emotions and many people never really know how they feel.'"

Logan's eyes were glued to his salad, hand lifting bites to it methodically.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who suffers in silence. How _do_ you really feel, Logan?"

"At the moment? Annoyed because you continue to read crap that has no basis in reality and-"

"You said yourself mine was accurate. Why wouldn't yours be, too?"

"Like I said, it's a generalization; everyone is afraid of change, James, that's not something limited to Taurans."

"To the degree you are? You have to hide in a bathroom every time you face something new, Logan. That's not normal."

"And once again, you're reminding me that I have issues. I know that, okay? I've known that all my life. You're not helping by-"

The appearance of their server ended Logan's sentence prematurely, causing him to flush deep red while James thanked her and passed over the remaining soup and salad he knew Logan wouldn't be touching again. When they were alone, he asked, "Would you feel more comfortable if I sat on the other side of the booth?"

"I think so, yeah."

James moved without another word, dragging his phone closer before dumping ketchup over his fries. "I still get a bite of steak."

After accepting the large cut Logan dropped on his plate, James plopped half of a waffle next to Logan's mashed potatoes. "Are you gonna kill me if I read about sex?"

"Not if you keep it to yourself."

"That's no fun," James winked, happy when Logan managed a chuckle. "Admit it, you like me."

"You have your moments."

"I'm really good at distracting you."

"Which is a double-edged sword."

"Does that mean it can be good _and_ bad?"

"Yes," Logan nodded. "How's the steak?"

"Really good. How's my waffle?"

"Give me some butter and I'll let you know."

Once they'd fixed the meals up the way they liked them, James turned his attention to the phone again. "Oh, holy shit."

"Keep it to yourself."

"No, I didn't see this earlier. It's about you."

"More lies?"

"Hardly. 'The Taurus man is very sensible, he is not the man to sweep you off your feet. He wants a high quality woman, not a woman for one night.' Dude, seriously, how can you deny this shit? You said all this yourself!"

"Generalizations," Logan repeated.

"I bet mine says something totally different. Oh my god, Logan!" James actually sat up straighter in the booth, jaw dropping.

"Don't want to know."

"'He will survey the situation and make sure the woman has something to offer him before he offers himself.' Wow. It's like they know you!"

"That's just practical. Any smart person would do that before offering his heart."

"'Once he has chosen his woman, he will be very generous, loyal, and faithful.'" James' face fell suddenly. "It says you're not for the person who craves adventure and excitement."

"I could've told you that. What kind of person am I for?"

"One who craves stability and comfort. You're in it for the long haul."

Logan nodded as he chewed, eyes narrowing when James found something extremely interesting and his eyes moved with excitement over the screen. "What now?"

"Shh, I'm reading how to attract you."

"Oh my god, will you stop? That stuff isn't true, James, and even if it was, we're done with the kissing. Done with all of it."

"Hey, come over here, let me rub your neck."

"Stop it!" Logan laughed, kicking James lightly under the table. "That's not going to work."

"Says here it does. Oh, and now I get why you go crazy when I kiss and bite your neck. It's all here. I was doing it right all along and didn't even know it! I'm good."

"Can we please be done with this?"

"Almost. I want to see how you are in bed."

"I'd rather you didn't. I don't need a horny lion sitting next to me for the rest of the trip."

"Too late for that, I'm always horny. This site doesn't say much, hang on."

Logan let out a sigh. "Just a few more hours, Logan," he said aloud.

"Oh be quiet, you know you're gonna miss me."

James was blessedly silent as he skimmed a new site, and when he was finished he frowned.

"Am I that bad in bed?" Logan joked.

"No, the opposite is true. It says you can go all night because you have stamina most would be jealous of."

"Oh." Cheeks red, Logan forked in a bite of mashed potatoes. "Why are you sad, then?"

"Because it also says the only way to gain your trust is with time. And that's something I don't have."

Unsure why he felt guilty, Logan replied, "That much is true of me. Everything takes time."

"Yeah. Well, like I said—some bitch is gonna be really lucky one day."

Logan licked his lips and sipped at his shake, which was thinning out and suddenly sickeningly sweet. He hailed their waitress and asked for a glass of water before noticing that James wasn't touching his plate. "Hey, eat up. We need to get back on the road."

"Yeah. Are you gonna be okay to drive all the way through?"

"I do plan to stop and sleep for an hour in Mesquite, but otherwise I'll be fine."

"Okay."

James picked at his food, Logan nudging his foot a few minutes later. "Want dessert?"

"Yeah, I could go for a piece of pie. Share it with me?"

"Depends on what kind you get. If it's chocolate, I'm out."

"Too bad they don't have my special cake here," James smirked.

"Always sex on the brain," Logan teased. "Do you like cheesecake?"

"I do."

"Let's do that, then."

"Can I sit next to you so we can share?"

"We can do that without-"

"It'll be easier, Logan."

"Fine." Knowing James was simply looking for an excuse to be close, Logan couldn't deny him that when he seemed so sad. "But no touching my neck."

"Damn, you know all my tricks," James laughed, moving around the table to trap Logan into the booth.

"You're not supposed to tell the person how you intend to seduce them, James. That puts them on guard."

"It's not like it would've worked anyway."

"True," Logan agreed.

"Want to know how to seduce me?"

"You mean besides mentioning the word sex?"

"Hey, I'm not _that_ easy."

"Okay, sorry," Logan smiled. He busied himself ordering a slice of cheesecake for them to share, only noticing after the waitress walked away that James' arm had found its way over his shoulders again and his fingers were dangerously close to Logan's neck. "Don't you dare."

"I'm not doing anything. Now let's see how easy it is to get me into bed."

"I already know that."

"You _think_ you know. I do have standards."

"Something with a pulse?"

"Shut up and let me read." Opening the page he'd been looking at last, James stated, "Oh, it talks on here about the kissing, too."

"What about it?"

"How you love to kiss for a long time, that it's the best foreplay for you. Everything I read here describes exactly how you behaved last night."

"It was just a kiss," Logan argued.

"A kiss that lasted an hour, and the few times I strayed down to your neck-" James trailed two fingers lightly over Logan's neck, making him shiver "-you went ballistic. Just like that."

"That's playing dirty."

"It's the only way I know how to play," James winked, teasing Logan's neck one more time before showing mercy. "So let's see...how does one get James Diamond in bed? This is good for me to read so that I know my weaknesses and can be on guard if anyone tries to trick me into sex."

"Heaven forbid." Logan peeked down at the screen as James scrolled, suddenly busting up laughing so hard that he slapped the table a few times.

"Oh, that is not true," James complained.

"That is _so_ true!" Logan wheezed, still amused as he read aloud. "'Leo's hair may be her prized possession. Stroke it, brush it, caress it, buy grooming products for it, and watch out if she says it is a bad hair day — then the whole day, and perhaps night, will not be happy. She will either need sex to console her, or be in such a funk that nothing but ice cream will help.'"

"I'm not that bad," James stated.

"You absolutely are. Maybe there's something to this astrology crap after all."

"So what's it saying, that I get turned on when people play with my hair? Because that's true."

"I don't know, maybe. What else does it say about you?"

"Uh...I like slow, steady lovemaking. You know, I've honestly never had that."

"No? Not with anyone?"

"Nope. It's usually a quick thing. And my partners usually finish fast, so...I wonder what that's like. Need to find myself a Taurus and figure it out, don't I?"

"Nice try."

"Oh, it says I like mirrors, too. That's totally true, sometimes I watch in the mirror."

"Oh my god, James."

"What, I'm just being honest. It's hot watching myself in action."

"Look, it says the back is your erogenous zone."

"What's that?"

"The pleasure center. Like my neck is for me? Remember last night when we were kissing and you'd go crazy when I ran my hands up and down your back?"

"I didn't think you noticed."

"Kind of hard not to when you kept arching into me like a cat." Logan reached for the water that appeared just in time, chugging down half the glass because suddenly he was heated.

"Are you getting hot, Logan?" James whispered, delighted by the idea.

"No, I'm thirsty. Where's our cheesecake? We need to get going."

"Oh, you _are_ hot."

As if she'd heard Logan, the waitress set down the dessert and asked if there was anything else they needed. James spoke up. "Sorry, can we get this to go? We need to get back on the road."

Logan didn't argue the point, instead pushing James out of the booth and standing up. "I'm going to the restroom before we leave."

"I'll just sit here and pretend you're not getting hard thinking of last night."

"I hate you. Grab the check and meet me at the register."

"You got it," James grinned.


	14. Chapter 14

The song featured in this chapter is "Love Is On the Way" by Saigon Kick.

* * *

As tired as Logan was of driving, five minutes later he was relieved to be safely behind the wheel again with plenty of distance between himself and James. "Did you get a fork for that?"

"I did. Napkins, too."

"Good. Don't make a mess."

"I think I'll save it for later." James settled the container of cheesecake near his feet.

"Why?"

"Just not hungry right now. It'll keep. So exactly how much longer do I have with you?"

"Well, with the hour layover in Mesquite, we should arrive in L.A. in about seven hours."

"That's still a lot of driving, and it's already late. You sure you don't want to get a room for the night?"

"Are you trying to seduce me, James?"

"I'm trying to get there alive, Logan. By that time you'll have been driving for almost twenty-four hours. It won't kill us to get a room like we did last night."

"I know exactly which part of last night you want a repeat of."

"Yeah, who's the one that keeps making it about that? I'm just thinking you could use some sleep. Get a room with two beds if you want, I'll stay in mine."

"We're not getting a room."

"Fine. But don't push yourself too hard. The second you start nodding off at the wheel, I'm driving."

"You are not driving this car."

"Then we get a room. Take your pick."

"Neither. I'll be fine."

"If you say so."

"I do."

"Fine."

"Good."

The car shot down the highway, Logan purposely thinking about anything else rather than what might happen if they ended up in a room for the night.

* * *

About an hour from Mesquite, James rolled his window down to stick his head out.

"What are you...?" Logan began, then the head became half a body when James unbuckled his seatbelt. "James! Get in here! Are you crazy?!"

After another few seconds, James settled back into the seat. "I'm trying to look at the stars."

"You can do that through the windshield, they're everywhere."

"Yeah, but I can't find the ones Mom used to show me. Stars don't die, do they?"

"Eventually they burn out, yes, but do you know how to identify one star from another outside of a constellation?"

"That's what I'm looking for, a constellation. Three of them, actually."

"If I wasn't driving, I'd help you find them."

"I wish we had service out here. I could look them up on my phone and try to match up the patterns."

"I'm sorry."

Seeing that James was honestly disappointed, Logan scanned their surroundings for a place to park. The closer they got to Los Angeles, the less his hurry was to get there, and he knew it was most likely due to his anxiety but didn't want to dwell on that. Off the main highway was a service road that led toward the hills, and Logan slowed to take the turn-off.

"Where are we going?" James asked suddenly.

"Not far."

Logan drove the car about half a mile from the highway and parked. "Now I just have to hope nobody else comes this way, though I think there's enough room for someone to get around me."

"What are we doing?"

"We're going to find your constellations," Logan grinned, opening his door. "Come on."

"Seriously?!" James' expression made the stop worth it. "Don't forget the keys!"

"I'm grabbing them. Come on, sit with me on the hood."

Logan hitched himself up onto the warm metal, grateful it wasn't hot enough to burn. James started to follow, then reached back into the car.

"I'm ready for my cheesecake now."

"Okay," Logan chuckled. He held the to-go container while James got settled next to him.

"Hand that over. Wait, open it."

"You open it."

"No, Logan, let me..."

James reached into the right pocket of his jacket and came out with the half-melted candle and a book of matches.

"Where did you get those?" Logan asked suspiciously.

"The last gas station." Once the lid was flipped open, James stuck the candle into the soft cheese mixture. "Hold it steady."

Watching with an amused smiled on his face, Logan knew better than to tease James about this.

"Are you gonna sing to me this time?" James wanted to know.

"What are you talking about? We sang to you this morning."

" _You_ didn't."

"I was too busy filming. If it wasn't so dark out here, I'd film this, too."

"So sing to me instead. It's dark enough that I can't see your face, so you don't have to be embarrassed."

"The light from the candle shows you my face."

"Barely. Come on, sing the song."

"James, this isn't the reason I pulled over. We're supposed to be-"

"For me?" James begged in a pleading tone. "Just once."

"I don't know why you need—"

"Hurry, before the candle melts all the way."

"We agreed my singing is horrible. And wait, I sang to you last night! At the motel!"

"One line. Come on, Logan, just do it. You'll never have to do it again and we're still under the 'What Happens On This Trip Stays On This Trip' rule."

Taking a deep breath to keep from decking James, Logan leaned back against the windshield and closed his eyes. "You're pushing it."

"Shh, just sing. My birthday's over in a few hours."

Wondering if James had spent a lot of birthdays with no one singing to him, Logan gave in. He cleared his throat and sang the words very quietly. In the middle of nowhere James had no trouble hearing it, and James' candlelit smile when Logan reached the third line touched something in Logan's heart. James was happy, his eyes twinkling and his smile bright, when Logan finished the song.

"Thanks, Logan."

"Sure. Make your wish."

"I already did. It's not gonna come true."

"Can't hurt to wish for it again, though, right?"

"I guess."

James closed his eyes while his lips moved again, Logan trying to read them but it was impossible in the dim light. The candle was blown out, James reaching up to pull the short nub that was left from the dessert. He set it aside in the container, then picked up the fork. "You're helping me eat this."

"Somehow I'm not surprised. Let me grab some water from the car, though."

When Logan returned, two bites were already devoured and a third was waiting for him. He opened his mouth for James, agreeing that the cheesecake was yummy when asked (though that was a word Logan would never have used himself).

"Still scared?" James wanted to know.

"Yeah," Logan sighed, "but I'm trying not to think about it."

"Okay. Let's look for my constellations instead."

Together they searched the heavens between bites from the container and sips from the water bottle, Logan managing to point out two of the three James requested. It was James who found the third, pleased with himself as he set aside the empty box and fished the candle from it to return it to his pocket. Rather than remind James the candle couldn't be re-used again, Logan instead kept his mouth shut about that when James slid an arm around his shoulders to pull him closer; James probably wasn't keeping it for that purpose anyway.

"We should get going," Logan stated, making no move to return to the car but resting his head on James' shoulder.

"Just five more minutes of this. It's peaceful."

It was. Logan relaxed so much that his eyelids began to droop, James' fingers tracing patterns on his neck soothingly. At this proximity Logan could smell the shampoo again, inhaling deeply until the combination of touch and scent woke his body up.

"I know what you're doing," he whispered against James' neck. "It's not going to work."

"Three more minutes," James said softly. "Let me enjoy this moment."

The problem was that even two more minutes of this moment would have Logan in James' lap, and it astounded him that anyone could have such an effect on him. The night before it had been a struggle just to kiss James and now it felt natural. If James tipped Logan's head up even the slightest bit, their lips could meet and why was he even thinking about that?

Then James did just that, using fingers in Logan's hair to tip his head back but it wasn't his lips James was aiming for; a warm mouth traveled down to the sensitive skin at Logan's neck to suck gently before teeth scraped as well, little bites that had Logan crying out and squirming under the attention.

"James, no, you have to stop," Logan whined, even as his head fell further back and his hands slid under James' jacket to run up the muscled back. James' mouth continued to move while Logan's breathing turned harsh, one hand slipping between Logan's legs to cup him.

"You're so hard," James whispered. "Please, Logan, let me show you. You need this, need someone to show you it's not a bad thing. It would be so beautiful with you."

Logan's hips arched up into the touch, and when heat seemed to travel at light speed toward James' hand, Logan gasped before pushing him away.

"You almost came, didn't you?"

Logan shoved himself off the hood, needing air and space and anything but James.

"Logan, it's okay. Why does it scare you so bad? It's natural."

"Because it's a loss of control," Logan snapped as he paced. "When you touch me, I don't think. It's like nothing else seems to matter and that isn't right."

"It's _exactly_ right, that's how it's supposed to feel. There's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to lose control for five minutes."

"There's everything wrong with it, James. Get in the car, we're leaving now."

"Is it me? Is that the problem, I'm not good enough for you?"

"Don't make this about you, it's _my_ problem and I'll deal with it when I find the person I'm meant to be with."

Logan popped the locks and wrenched the car door open to slide behind the wheel. He started the engine, James hopping off the hood and grabbing the trash but not moving to the car right away, and Logan didn't rush him; the moonlight had been bright enough to show Logan the flash of hurt on James' face and he didn't want to dig any deeper to the cause.

After climbing in and stowing the container in the trash bag, James buckled his seat belt. "You know, you're too stubborn for your own good. That astrology stuff is right."

"We have about an hour to Mesquite, and there I'm going to sleep. I would appreciate it if you didn't try to seduce me in the meantime."

"Don't worry, I won't ever touch you again."

The last hour of the ride was spent in silence, James as usual fascinated by whatever he saw out his own window. Logan stomped down on the overwhelming urge to comfort him or hold his hand, not wanting to give James any reason to think he was weakening.

* * *

Five minutes before Mesquite, James suddenly spoke. "Where's that aux cord?"

Logan had been fighting fatigue and the heaviness of his eyelids, and though his first instinct was to deny James music, he changed his mind because it might wake him up a little. "In the glovebox. What are you going to play?"

"Some music that my mom used to play when I was kid. Before she changed. I have a playlist of all those songs I can remember, and sometimes when I miss her, I..."

James shrugged, not having to finish for Logan to understand. He located the cord and figured out where to plug it in, then attached his phone to it. "How do I make this work?"

"Hold on." Keeping one eye on the road, Logan pressed a few buttons on his dash. "We're almost there, though, so you won't get much time."

"That's okay. This one was always my favorite."

The car was suddenly filled with a simple guitar melody, Logan wondering if James was going to sing. He couldn't decide if he'd enjoy that or not, but when the lyrics came in, James went back to silently staring out the window. "I'm sorry that you miss her."

James nodded slowly, gaze traveling up to the sky as the words of the song stretched between them.

 _Hold me darling, touch me now_

 _Let the feelings free tonight_

Logan went rigid in his seat, coldness washing over him. Had he really fallen for this? "One of your mom's favorite songs, huh?"

"Yeah. This song was popular around the time we were born. Sometimes I wonder if it reminded her of the early days with Dad."

 _Love is on the way, I can see it in your eyes_

 _Let's give it one more try tonight_

James still wouldn't look at him, and that at least set Logan at ease a bit. He had no doubt this song had been chosen for a specific purpose, though.

 _Time of season wipes the tears_

 _No rhyme or reason, no more fears_

Fear was the real issue here, wasn't it? Logan got scared every time his feelings threatened to escape his control; he'd lived most of his life keeping them under lock and key and working hard to do so. He never again wanted to feel anything close to what he did when he thought his mother would die.

It had worked beautifully until James came along. While Kendall pushed him incessantly to try new things, he also understood the reasons for Logan's fears and respected them enough to back off when Logan needed him to. Other than a few times in their friendship, when Logan was suffering because of his inability to express emotions, Kendall limited his harassment to new experiences. Sex was outside that scope, though, because Kendall wasn't the person to teach him about sex and knew it; Kendall had always said that when the right person came along, Logan wouldn't be able to deny it any longer.

 _All the dreaming is far behind_

 _You are here now, and everything's all right_

How did James manage to make him feel safe after two days in a car together, much of that spent in aggravation? And how was it that Logan not only allowed physical touch from him, but craved it in times of fear? James was possibly the most irresponsible person Logan had ever met. He was unclassy, obnoxious, conceited, domineering-

Logan was assaulted with a sudden vision of James standing over him, tender and yet ready and willing to make him face those fears without letting up no matter how much he wanted to run. Heat rushed up through Logan again.

 _Love is on the way, I can see it in your eyes_

 _Let's give it one more try tonight_

Hands tightening on the steering wheel, Logan fought the panic that accompanied that heat. He would never be able to live a normal life if he allowed it to overwhelm him every time he was attracted to someone.

 _And in the morning I'll be gone away_

 _All the things I left behind_

 _If you need me, I'll come night or day_

 _Let's stop the hands of time_

As James had mostly likely known would be the case, the lyrics hit home. James _would_ be gone the next morning. The thought filled Logan with more fear, because somehow James had become the one person who could teach him how to live.

 _Love is on the way, I can see it in your eyes_

 _Let's give it one more try tonight, baby_

 _Love is on the way, I can see it in your eyes_

 _Let's give it one more try tonight_

As the music faded into silence, Logan reached a decision. It was time to stop running, time to clear the hurdle that he stumbled over every time he came anywhere near it. Already feeling tendrils of fear slip into his veins, Logan exited the freeway to scour what he could see of Mesquite, Nevada.

"Do you already know of a place to sleep?" James questioned, speaking over the next song that played automatically.

"I'll find a place. We passed through another time zone, just so you know."

"We did? So we're now officially on California time?" James grinned.

"We are." Logan drove down a main boulevard, quickly realizing lodging wouldn't be an issue at all; they were, after all, only an hour away from Las Vegas.

"Why are you tense?" James asked, gaze narrowed as he reached out to shut off the music and disconnect his phone.

"I'm tired," Logan answered honestly, otherwise avoiding the question. A new fear had cropped up, James' earlier words coming back to haunt him.

 _Don't worry, I won't ever touch you again._

What if he'd meant it? What if he was tired of Logan being a tease and had decided Logan wasn't worth the hassle? Yes, he was starved for sex, but even he admitted he had standards. What if Logan no longer met those?

"Logan, what's going on? Why are you starting to panic? If you're thinking about school again, just-" James halted his advice in mid-sentence when Logan turned into the parking lot of a small hotel. "Is this where you're sleeping?"

"Yes," was all Logan said. He found a parking spot near the check-in and opened his door, needing to move because nervous energy was building up. "Come on."

"Oh, thank god. I have to pee."

After making sure that Logan didn't leave the keys behind, James caught up with him and automatically slid an arm over his shoulders. It only lasted a few seconds, though, before he remembered their conversation in the desert and dropped the arm, putting distance between them as they walked.

Logan reached out for his hand, holding it tightly and relieved when James eventually returned the grip, though he was obviously hesitant to set Logan off again. "Talk to me, why are you freaking out?"

The closer they got to the hotel's entrance, the harder it was to breathe. Was he really going to go through with this? What would be the harm in waiting another year...or fifty?

"No. I'm not waiting fifty years," Logan muttered under his breath.

"What? Dude, talk to me, what is-"

Logan stopped their motion suddenly to lean against a wall near the front doors. "Kiss me."

James opened his mouth, then closed it again, taken aback.

"James, kiss me, I can't breathe and I'm scared and the only thing that-"

Not needing a third invitation, James dipped his face down to kiss Logan softly, and like magic the panic began to recede because it was so difficult to focus on anything else when James' lips were on his. Logan opened his mouth wider, craving the peace that descended when James drove all thought from his head, and James groaned before sliding his tongue in to mingle with Logan's. Having cleared this particular hurdle already, Logan met the kiss eagerly and welcomed the lust that rose with it until James pressed up against him, trapping him to the wall with such delicious friction that he gasped. The sensation was intense enough that it scared him into panicking yet again, and he pushed James away gently to catch his breath.

"I'm not going to apologize for that, Logan; you asked for it."

"I know," Logan panted. "Go."

James moved toward the doors but reached back for Logan, who gripped his hand to follow. Once inside, James glanced around. "If I was a bathroom..."

"This way." Having spotted a sign directing them to the lobby, Logan tugged James along in that direction. "Don't even think about it," he warned when James slowed near the slot machines. "I'm not going to jail for you."

"So you've said a thousand times. But hang on, I think I have a quarter somewhere..."

"Keep moving." Logan pulled harder, leading a pouting James away and relieved when they reached a front desk that was free of other guests. He stepped up to the woman who smiled pleasantly at them. "Checking in."

"Sure, do you have a reservation?"

"No, I'm sorry. Is there anything available?" Logan didn't have to look behind him to know James' eyes were most likely popping out from shock.

"Of course." Her fingers worked over a keyboard. "Two guests? How long will you be staying?"

"Just the night."

"Do you prefer one bed or two?"

Logan hesitated only a second before replying. "Either is fine."

"Did you finally lose your mind?" James whispered into his ear.

"I think so," Logan nodded, digging for his wallet to pass over his license and bank card.

"Please tell me we can kiss again," James said into his ear, sending shivers down Logan's spine. "I can't spend an entire night in a room with you and not kiss you. I know you're tired, and I swear I'll let you sleep, but just twenty minutes. Ten, even."

The woman smiled again before sliding his cards across the desk. "Thank you, Mr. Mitchell. Here are your room keys, and you're on the tenth floor in the southwest corner. Elevators are to your right."

"Thank you." As if on autopilot, Logan returned the wallet to his pocket and headed to the right, fear almost paralyzing him but it was better when James kissed the back of his neck lightly as they waited for the elevator.

"What about our luggage?" James asked.

"It would be smart to go get it now."

The doors slid open to reveal an empty car, James pushing him into it before selecting the proper floor. "Did I tell you elevator sex is on my bucket list?"

"Things I don't need to know, James."

A wet mouth fastened to the side of Logan's neck from behind, Logan crying out as shudders once again wracked his body so that he was forced to lean forward against a wall. James pressed him closer to it, using his hips to pin Logan in place while his teeth bit down hard enough to hurt.

"Fuck," Logan gasped, James letting up on the pressure just enough to slide his hand around and squeeze between Logan's legs, making Logan cry out again.

"You can't tell me that you're not smart enough to know what's going to happen if you close yourself in a room with me all night. Not after everything we've talked about. If you want me to go back to the car and sleep there, I will. Give me the keys now or forever hold your peace."

"I'm scared," Logan admitted, even while his body was screaming with need. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can. You're going to."

The doors opened and James dragged Logan out of the elevator and down the hall, snatching a key from his hands when they arrived at the correct room. The light was thrown on long enough for James to get a quick idea of the room's layout, then they were in darkness as he flipped the switch down and shut the door behind them. Immediately Logan's neck was under attack again, James so brutal that Logan knew he'd have to wear high-collared shirts for the next week as he tried to stay upright through the waves of heat weakening him.

James kept him steady, though, holding him up from behind. Logan pressed back against James, tipping his head back as well and focusing on nothing but the struggle to breathe. Fear warred with need, the dizziness returning but Logan wasn't sure which was causing it at this point.

"Relax," James whispered. "I promise I won't hurt you."

"I know," Logan managed. "I trust you. It's just...I can't breathe. My chest..."

"Stop thinking. Do I need to kiss you again to make that happen?"

"Maybe. Yeah."

Logan was roughly spun around and backed up against a bed, James pushing him down onto it and stretching out over him so that Logan had no choice but to lay down as his mouth was devoured again. He was trapped and it was frightening, but at the same time it was a comforting weight on him, just as it had been the night before in another room. Still, it was too much, and he pushed James up slightly with hands on his chest. "Don't you need to pee?"

"Like I'm giving you a chance to run? Uh-uh. You brought me here for this reason, you-"

"You seduced me with a song."

"Whatever it takes," James agreed. "The words were exactly what I wanted to say but didn't know how."

"Is it even a song your mom likes?"

"Yes. I didn't lie about any of that. I haven't lied to you about anything from the moment we met, and I'm not lying to you now when I say that if you don't cross that line, Logan, you'll be scared for the rest of your life. Your body is more than ready; it's your mind that's stuck."

"I know," Logan admitted. "I don't know _how_ to cross that line."

"That's why I'm here." Kissing Logan tenderly, James added, "I'm here to show you."

When James dove in for another kiss, Logan held him off. "Go to the bathroom."

"No way."

"James, I have to, too. I promise I won't run away, but neither of us is going to be comfortable if we're struggling with a full bladder."

"Run and I'll find you," James warned, lifting himself from the bed.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm scared, but...I want to do this."

"Good."

James flipped on a light in the bathroom, nearly blinding Logan for a second. "Wait."

"What?"

"Do you have...whatever you need?"

With a smirk, James winked. "I'm always prepared for that. You're not the only Boy Scout in the world."

"But is it in the car?"

"Nope, so don't be looking for excuses to run out there. My jacket has many pockets."

The door closed, leaving Logan in darkness again and reminded of what he was about to do with a young man who'd had more than his fair share of sexual partners. What was he thinking?

"I'm an idiot," he said to the empty room. "It would be smarter to find someone who hasn't hooked up with a million people, someone who's been tested and-"

But would that person make Logan lose his head the way James did? Would that person soothe him with a kiss, bring him to life with just a touch, see through all of his denials and excuses the way James did?

Would that person make him feel even half as much as James did?

By the time James emerged, Logan had removed his shoes and socks as well as tossed his jacket and phone onto a nearby chair. He heard the sound of leather dropping onto the second chair and spun to find James had removed his jacket also.

"Still okay?"

"Not even close," Logan admitted.

"Go on and use the bathroom. Turn off the light when you come out."

"I'm surprised you don't want to watch yourself in the mirror."

"Funny. But I know it'll be easier for you if you don't see anything. You'll just get scared all over again."

That was probably true, and damn James for knowing him so well. Logan traded places with him, slipping into the bathroom and closing the door on the sight of James sitting on the edge of the bed and setting down materials that his hand had been closed around. Assuming it was a condom and some sort of lubrication, Logan closed his eyes when the fear cropped up again.

"Don't think," he whispered. "The more you think, the harder it is to act. Just let him handle this. And no matter what he says, if you ask him to stop, he will. He promised he wouldn't hurt you."

He relieved himself and took one last look in the mirror as he washed his hands, reminding himself that his appearance didn't matter; it would be dark anyway. In the light that spilled into the room when Logan opened the door, he saw James seated against the headboard with his denimed legs stretched out before him, feet bare but the green shirt still in place over a chiseled torso Logan had caught a dim glimpse of the night before. James was running a hand through his hair in a way that lifted the bangs away, making him appear older and wiser. "Turn off the light and come over here."

Screwing up all of his courage, Logan did as commanded. He stopped when he reached the bed, standing next to it uncertainly and already second-guessing what had to be the most irresponsible decision he'd ever made in his life. A hand slid up his thigh in the dark and he whimpered softly, rational thought fleeing when it stroked him through the jeans.

"You're so ready for this," James whispered. "But I'm asking you one more time if you're sure. I don't know how much farther I can go and still stop, Logan. I've never wanted anyone as badly as I want you."

The darkness made sense to Logan now; he doubted James would have been able to admit that while staring into Logan's eyes. It freed him as well, boosting his courage enough to climb onto the bed and allow James to pull him down until he was straddling James' hips. When James' hands slipped under his shirt and continued upward, Logan was shaking but leaned close enough to whisper in James' ear. "Don't let me run." They were the words he'd spoken the night before and he meant them even more now, body arching into James when thumbs traced circles around his nipples. "I might try to. Don't let me."

The shirt was unbuttoned and shoved back and down Logan's arms, James leaning forward to let his tongue do what his fingers already had. Logan shivered at the attention and gripped James' hair in both hands, causing James to become more aggressive with his mouth until it worked its way up to Logan's lips. There it settled for a long time, James knowing that kisses were the way to keep Logan calm, and probably remembering what he'd read about that being the ultimate foreplay to a Taurus.

Logan couldn't discount the theory; slow, lazy kisses worked to set him at ease and relax him enough that when James' fingers moved to his waistband, Logan only tensed up slightly before relaxing again. "Keep kissing me," he instructed James, who chuckled.

"Twist my arm."

Logan laughed softly, amazed that someone could bring him to amusement in a situation like this. He allowed James to roll him over onto his back and then tug his jeans off, the boxers going as well, and now it was real. "Oh god, what am I doing? James, wait, I can't-"

James shut him up with a well-timed kiss, keeping that going until he felt Logan relax again, and then straddled Logan's hips. "You're okay," James promised, and Logan nodded before letting out a long, calming breath.

"Let me touch you."

"Really?" James asked, surprised.

"Yes. You're beautiful."

There was a hesitation that confused Logan for a moment, but then the green shirt was tossed aside so that Logan could run his palms over smooth skin and hard muscles. He ran his hands around to the back, James hissing and arching when short nails dug shallow tunnels into it. "Fuck, Logan," he whined, breathing stuttered. "You're about to make me prove that theory."

"Which theory is that?"

"The one that says a man can come without his dick being touched. How are you so good at that?"

"Just putting your research to practical use," Logan grinned, making another pass down James' back but this time deeper. That earned him sudden vacuum-like suction to the side of his neck, Logan jerking up hard enough to make James bounce on the way back down.

"Two can play that game," James panted, shaking his head when Logan tensed under him. "No way, you're past the point of freezing up. Not letting that happen again."

James' mouth moved into place to chase away the nerves, teeth teasing Logan's lips while James used one hand to remove the rest of his own clothing. It was done so smoothly that Logan was hardly aware of it until James once again straddled his waist, and then it became difficult to ignore when something warm and thick brushed over his stomach.

"Relax," James whispered against his lips, knowing before it happened that Logan would tense up. "You're doing so good, don't think about it. Just feel."

"Feeling is what I'm most afraid of," Logan pointed out in a small voice.

"We're gonna change that." Moving back far enough that he could wrap a hand around Logan, James stroked gently a few times. "Wow, this isn't gonna take long."

"Can't help it. This is uh...my first time and all."

"It's okay." After pecking a kiss to Logan's lips, James leaned to the side in order to grab what he'd set there earlier, then straightened. He ripped open the condom wrapper and tossed it away before slowly rolling it down over Logan, who froze at the feeling until James was finished and kissing him again. "I don't know why my kisses have such magic over you, but I fucking love it. Are you okay?"

"I don't know," Logan replied honestly. "I feel really good, but the better I feel, the more the panic tries to crowd in."

"I'll just keep kissing you, then."

James proceeded to do so, even as he used the small packet of lubrication to prepare himself before wiping his hand on the side of the mattress. "Last chance to back out."

"You promised you wouldn't let me."

"Oh. Right."

With no further warning, James shifted his body so that he could guide Logan in. Logan went rigid under him, terror making his heart race and his body tremble. "Wait, maybe we shouldn't, I can't-"

James was already moving, though, sliding down over Logan with a groan of satisfaction. Immediately the room seemed to disappear, time might have stood still for all Logan knew—he was beyond any sort of rational thought or the ability to form words. There was nothing but a pleasure so great it built a wall between him and the outside world, but even more importantly between his body and his brain. Peace suffused his entire core, radiating out and into the kiss James was pressing to his lips. A cry of bliss traveled up his throat and into James' mouth, prodding James to move slowly up and then back down again but never breaking the kiss.

Logan's arms found their way around James' neck and held him there, hands tangling in James' hair while his head came off the pillow to deepen the kiss. When Logan's hips rose to meet each downthrust, James' body trembled in what Logan knew was a massive effort to keep from reaching his peak too soon and he wondered how he was managing to do the same because nothing had ever been as good as this feeling, nothing had wiped his fears and panic away as this did.

He felt nothing but the mouth possessing his and the tight heat he was plunged into every time they moved, heard nothing but the sounds their bodies made in the dark and the whimpers that escaped James' throat with each slow thrust until his name made it through the fog.

"Logan...Logan, please..."

"What...don't stop..."

Taking that as assent, James flipped their bodies before guiding Logan in again, this time Logan above and eagerly pressing in so that James moaned. Vaguely recalling a comment James had made, Logan pounded harder while James lifted his legs to make it easier, but rather than increase the pace he kept it slow because enough sense had returned for him to realize this would be it. Once this was done, he might not get another chance at sex for a very long time; if this trip had taught him nothing else, he'd learned that sex could be a beautiful, magical thing.

"Knew it, knew you'd be like this," James mumbled between kisses, breath hot in Logan's mouth as he panted. "Some bitch...so lucky..."

"Just you right now," Logan whispered.

James moaned, and Logan knew he wouldn't hold out much longer; neither of them would. He awkwardly managed to sit up without losing the contact, holding James in place while getting into a kneeling position so that James was riding him again. He pressed James' face to his throat, one hand in James' hair and the other running down his back. Taking the hint, James bit down on his neck so that Logan jerked harder, the pleasure reaching a level he'd never imagined possible but rather than scaring him, he soared into it until it overtook him with a wave of bliss so strong he almost blacked out. James followed close behind, his orgasm escaping with one long cry that was muffled by Logan's shoulder before they clung to each other's slightly sweaty skin.

"Holy fuck," James breathed, panting into Logan's hair. "You still here? You gonna have a heart attack on me now that it's over?"

"Maybe," Logan managed, gasping for air but pressing a kiss to James' shoulder before gently pushing him onto his back. "So that was okay? I wasn't horrible?"

A strangled laugh bubbled up in the dark. "No, Logan. You weren't horrible. And you survived. Once I can breathe again, I'll be extremely proud of you."

"Thanks," Logan smiled. "How do I uh...?"

"Oh. Hang on." James lifted himself up on one elbow to remove the condom. "It's good manners to tie it off so it doesn't leak everywhere."

"I have to touch it?"

"Might as well learn now," James teased, passing it over so Logan could do the job and then reaching out in the dark to lift up the trash can he'd noted earlier. "Toss it in."

Logan did, then collapsed next to James. "I need to wash up."

"Yeah, you do that. I'm just gonna lay here and not move for the next twenty years or so." When Logan started to move away, James reached out to wrap his body around Logan and keep him there. "Don't go yet. Just lay here with me."

As much as Logan hated to feel grimy, he decided that for one night, he could stand it. The safety and warmth of James' arms before they were gone was worth that much.


	15. Chapter 15

Logan woke in a disoriented state, groggy and unsure for a few moments where he was. He'd been having the most vivid dream of a reckless night in bed with a stranger, one who had the face of an angel and held him close through the night. He smiled, thinking Kendall would surely get a kick out of this one.

He tried to stretch but found his movements restricted by a band made of strong arms that tightened when he shifted, and a heady coconut (or was it lime?) scent floated to him from the hair that tickled his face.

Oh. Not a dream, then.

Had he not been so relaxed and warm, Logan might have freaked out. Instead he forced the arms to loosen a bit while reaching up to brush long, dark strands away from his cheek and pressed his lips against James' for a brief peck. There was a soft hum in the dark before James tried to pull him close again, but Logan managed to slip out of the grip to sit up, leaving James to roll onto his back and let out one soft snore before his breathing evened.

How long had they been asleep? It was still dark, which was good, but he'd forgotten to set an alarm and chastised himself for losing sight of what was important. This was what James did to him, distracted him so much that his brain went out the window.

And yet, James had also helped him face his greatest fear and survive it. No doubt James received the benefits as well, but he had genuinely wanted to help Logan and had succeeded, keeping at it until he broke Logan down enough to take that step. Perched on the edge of the bed now and hearing James' steady breathing in the dark, Logan didn't regret it. While sex hadn't solved all of his problems, it had certainly proved to him that feeling and sensation weren't things to be shunned and that he was capable of not only experiencing pleasure, but giving it to another.

 _Some bitch...so lucky..._

James' words returned to him now, making him smile. Yes, he'd managed to please James, and while that might have been an easy feat for anyone since James seemed to be addicted to sex, it still filled Logan with pride. It could have been awkward; it could have been an embarrassing nightmare. Instead it had been perfect, at least in Logan's eyes, and that was enough.

A glance at the clock showed that they had been asleep for about an hour. In the dark, Logan felt his way to the chair where he vaguely remembered dropping his phone. Knowing his mother and Kendall would worry otherwise, he sent them each a brief text explaining he'd gotten a room for the night. After that he set the alarm for four once again, figuring that would put them in Los Angeles by nine with a breakfast stop. He was an entire day behind at this point but couldn't find the energy to care. He'd have time to freak out about everything later.

After closing himself in the bathroom, Logan took a wet washcloth to himself, considering a shower but fearing that might wake him up so much that he couldn't fall back to sleep. He rinsed the cloth with warm water and wrung it out, then left the door open to light his way as he returned to the bed.

It was dim but bright enough that he could easily see the long body stretched out over blankets they hadn't bothered to use. As he'd expected, James was sculpted and built beautifully, a god that most likely took his workout regimen seriously. Logan perched on the edge of the mattress, lifting the still-warm washcloth toward a flat stomach and chest that were covered in what would soon be an itchy mess as well as spots of dirt scattered over his upper arms and torso.

 _Dirt?_

Logan's hand froze in midair. Where would dirt have come from?

He slid a finger lightly over one of the spots to discover it wasn't a mark on the skin, but _in_ the skin. Leaning closer, he realized with a chill that what he'd mistaken for dirt was instead a smattering of bruises normally hidden by a shirt. For one wild moment he hoped they'd come from him, or maybe another lover, because the other option was one he didn't want to consider.

They were more than love bites, though—while some of them were small enough that a mouth could have made them, others were large enough to be the size of a fist. A few had begun to yellow, showing they weren't fresh, but many of them were black and purple, causing Logan to stand long enough to flip on the nearby lamp before studying James more closely, and yes—the bruises were reminiscent of those he'd seen in textbook photos of physical abuse.

Letting his eyes trail down James' body, he noted that there were also bruises on James' hips, though high enough that the towel he'd worn the previous night had covered them. A vision of James slipping boxers on under the towel before removing it flashed through Logan's mind, as well as James' hesitation to remove his shirt only an hour previously. He'd been right about things being easier in the dark, but that hadn't been James' only motivation.

But who would...

" _I hate my dad."_

" _Oh bullshit, Dad's just pissed I won't be around for him to pick on anymore."_

" _I've told you why! You don't listen! Mom, you don't believe anything I tell you, so I gave up. But that doesn't mean everything I told you wasn't true, or wasn't still happening."_

" _Why would your own father want to hurt you?" "I've been asking myself that all my life."_

As James' voice echoed through his mind, Logan's stomach clenched so hard he felt ill. How had he not picked up on that?

 _No one will ever know and they will suffer in silence._

Logan's eyes closed against the sudden stinging behind his lids, knowing tears weren't going to help in this situation. He blinked them away and leaned down to kiss the largest bruise, centered over the left side of James' chest, then lifted the now-lukewarm cloth to wipe away the mess left from their earlier activities.

Though James was a heavy enough sleeper to not be bothered by light or movement around him, the touch of a wet washcloth proved to be too much so that he jerked awake suddenly with a gasp, squinting against the glare from the lamp before throwing an arm over his eyes. "What are you doing?" he grated roughly.

"Cleaning you up," Logan said softly. He moved the cloth over James' chest and stomach in gentle strokes, finally setting it aside to lean down and move his lips from bruise to bruise, as if that could somehow cure the pain.

"Mmm," James hummed, "you have the most-"

The words cut off and the body went rigid suddenly before panic had James shoving Logan away to pull the blanket up over himself. Barely saving himself from a tumble to the floor, Logan snatched the covers out of James' hand and flung them aside. "It's too late, James," he said gently. "I know."

The mixture of hatred and fear in James' gaze was unfamiliar from hazel eyes that had so recently been tender and full of desire for him. "Leave me alone."

"We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to say. It's over and it's not going to happen again and soon it'll all be a horrible memory from a life I don't even remember."

"You can't forget something like this, James. It'll come back in your dreams."

"No," James said with a firm shake of his head. "Once I get to California, I can start over, I can-"

"Is that what you dream about now? The nightmares?"

Avoiding Logan's gaze, James looked as if he wanted to run but there was nowhere to go.

"I was wrong," Logan stated, reaching out to take one of James' hands in his. "I shouldn't have urged you to call them. They don't deserve to hear from you ever again."

"It's not Mom, she never touched me."

"She ignored it."

"She didn't know, she was never around enough to see it, she-"

"That constitutes neglect, which is another form of abuse. That's what you tried to tell her, isn't it? The thing she wouldn't believe?" When James refused to answer through the tears gathering, Logan continued. "Why didn't you ever show her?"

"I did," James choked out. "I tried once, and Dad told her I got beat up at school and was just trying to get attention because she was never around. She believed him, and later he told me if I ever tried that again, he'd kill me."

There was no holding back the flood now, James' cheeks wet as he tried to wipe them dry. Logan stood to retrieve a box of tissues from the bathroom before plunging them into darkness again, because James had been correct in his theory that it was easier to talk without someone staring at you. After settling against the headboard on his side of the bed, Logan dragged James closer until he was between Logan's legs and in Logan's arms, head buried in Logan's chest while he used the tissues to blot his eyes.

"Why did he do it?" Logan asked.

"Why _didn't_ he?" James responded, sniffling but at least he was talking. "It didn't take much once he got drinking. It's been worse the past year, he's only sober when he knows Mom will be around."

"Which is almost never."

James nodded, wiping his face again. "He'd sleep until after ten, then get up and start drinking and wouldn't stop until a few hours before Mom came home. Sometimes he even drank after she went to bed at night, but not as much then; he's an asshole, but he's not stupid. That's why I don't touch anything. I go to a lot of parties, but I don't party. No drugs and no alcohol, because I will never be what he is. I'm gonna love my kids."

Heart clenching, Logan nodded. "I know you will. But you never...told anyone else? Tried to get help?"

"I didn't want to die, Logan," James said softly. "I mean, sometimes I did. Sometimes I'd pray for that, especially when I was younger. But then I decided escape was a better idea, so I tried to keep my head down and stay out of trouble until graduation. Did jobs whenever I could to save up money, and I finally had enough that I could do it. You know what happened with that, but I was desperate and when Kendall told me about you, and how you were coming out here...it was like God was sending me a savior."

"Does Kendall know?"

"No, Logan, of course not. Nobody knows."

"Not even Shelly?"

"She knows my dad drinks, but I never told her the rest."

"How did no one ever see the bruises? Surely Shelly-"

"I'm careful. I'm a master at it now, finding excuses to keep my clothes on. When I hook up with someone, it's always in the dark. You're the first one to outsmart me, Mr. Sneak Attack."

"It wasn't an attack," Logan chuckled, relieved when James snickered for a few seconds. "I just wanted to clean you up. I was being courteous."

"You just like touching me."

Swallowing hard because that was possibly the hardest thing he'd ever willingly admit, Logan nodded. "I do. And I'm glad I'm the one who outsmarted you." He kissed James' forehead. "You needed to talk this out."

"Talking makes it real. I would have happily put it out of my mind for the rest of my life."

"I know exactly how you feel, but sometimes we need to let people in. You showed me that much."

"I rocked your world."

"You did," Logan smiled, hugging James tighter. "I hope I did the same for you, or was at least adequate."

"You were horrible, that's why I was screaming and came hard enough to break my spine."

"Shut up," Logan laughed, rubbing his lips over James' hair and inhaling deeply. "How do you not react when someone touches them? It has to be painful, James." He felt a shrug before James replied.

"I'm used to it now. I hardly even feel it anymore."

And that, perhaps, was the saddest thing Logan had ever heard. Hoping to erase the pain, or at least attempt to, Logan searched in the dark until his lips found James' to kiss them in a way that always worked to leave him incapable of anything except need. When James returned the kiss with the same desperation as well as a low groan, Logan knew it had the same effect on James that it did him.

There was no easing into it this time; both knew what they wanted and were determined to get it. It was James who tossed the box of tissues to the floor and stretched out over Logan, who eagerly opened his mouth to claim James' while rough hands ran down his body to leave him shuddering.

"Wait," Logan managed to pant, "do you have another condom?"

"Do you insist on seatbelts?" James answered sarcastically, moving away only long enough to grab what he needed from his jacket before returning to prepare them both. He shifted to straddle Logan again but Logan shook his head, holding James off and pushing him aside.

"Let me do this. I can't count on my next partner being as experienced, so I'd better know what I'm doing."

Surprising James, Logan shoved him down onto his stomach and pushed his thighs apart.

"Oh god, Logan, you're so hot when you take charge."

"Tell me if I do something wrong."

"What's to do wrong? You know how this works."

That was true enough. He'd known the basics of it before stepping into this room, but now he knew firsthand how to...

He could no longer think of it as "penetration." That's what it was, but experiencing it made it so much more than that. He slowly pushed into James, who let out a high-pitched moan and pressed back to take him deeper, and then the bliss returned to chase everything else away.

He could see it now, how people developed an addiction to sex. What was it James had said?

" _But I'll say again that until you've had sex yourself, you don't get to judge me. Call me after your first time and we'll debate this when you know what you're talking about."_

Logan knew now, and he couldn't argue with the things James had said.

"Move," James begged now, prodding Logan to pull back before thrusting again, and they found a perfect rhythm that was accentuated by Logan's hands working over James' back to send chills through him that were so powerful James came within the first few minutes. "Don't you dare stop," he warned Logan when he'd come down. "I'm not wasting my one night with you."

Having a better grasp on his own control this time, Logan drew it out as long as he could before giving in, and when he finally found release it was that spine-cracking explosion James had alluded to earlier. It left him boneless and exhausted but bathed in peace, his mind too tired to be of much use.

Logan was only vaguely aware of James leaving the bed, already halfway to sleep when gentle hands removed the condom and a warm wetness wiped him down. "Thanks," he whispered, touched by the gesture as he watched James clean himself through heavy lids that kept threatening to close.

What woke his brain up was the sensation of being lifted from the bed by strong arms. "Hey! What..."

"There's a wet spot that I'm not sleeping in. We're gonna use the clean bed."

"Oh," Logan mumbled as James laid him down on dry sheets, then slid in next to him. "Stop moving around, I'm tired and I sleep better in your arms."

"Now _there's_ a sentence I never thought I'd hear you speak."

"Will wonders never cease?" Logan murmured.

"What? What does that mean?"

"Nothing," Logan smiled, cuddling closer to James. "You left the light on."

"Let go of me and I'll go turn it off."

"Mmm...no. I'll suffer."

"Who knew you'd be such a cuddler?" James chuckled, running a hand through Logan's hair.

"Not me," Logan agreed. He shifted his face to kiss James' chest, purposely kissing each bruise he could reach.

"Don't do that. They're ugly."

"They're part of you." Logan continued to kiss the marred skin.

"Not for long. They'll fade away and I'll forget they ever existed, just like everything else in this chapter of my life. Once I step out of your car, I'm a brand new person. This will all be a nightmare I wake up from and start fresh."

The lips stilled in their movements, James' words cutting him in a way he hadn't expected. Knowing that what James did need was to move on, he bit his tongue and laid his head over James' chest so that he could feel the beating of his heart. Sensing it might be his last chance to say it, Logan said, "Thank you for this. For helping me clear my hurdle."

"Glad I could do that for you," James smiled, kissing Logan's hair. "Now sleep, because we have to be up in...I'm assuming four hours?"

Logan lifted his head long enough to glance at the clock and saw it was just before midnight. "Yeah. Hey, James?"

"Hmm?"

"Happy birthday."

The bright grin returned, Logan looking into dancing eyes that were too easy to fall in love with. "Thanks, buddy. You made it my best ever."

"No, thank _you_. I feel like I can actually do this now, face people when I get to campus."

"You can. I promise, everyone's gonna love you. Maybe just...you know. Loosen up a little."

"Yeah," Logan chuckled. "And maybe you should buckle down a bit yourself, focus on your career more than your social life."

"I intend to. The James you see now won't exist once I start my new life."

"You know, James...he's not all that bad. I'd hate to see him disappear completely."

"Good thing you won't have to see it then, isn't it?"

Logan never answered the question, instead tightening his grip and falling asleep to the beating of James' heart under his cheek.

* * *

Logan woke up five minutes before the alarm was due to go off, groggy again but only because he'd been in such a deep, relaxed sleep. His body was sore in a pleasant way and when he remembered why, he grinned in the dark and scooted closer to James.

It took three scoots before he realized he was at the other edge of the mattress and alone in the bed. Thinking maybe James had returned to the other one, Logan squinted across the space but couldn't make out a body; of course, not much was visible in the dark.

He sat up slowly, rubbing his face in an attempt to chase away sleep, and finally understood that what he'd originally thought was the sound of rain was in fact the shower running; James had actually stumbled out of bed before him.

Maybe he could coax James back into bed. Logan was warm and comfortable and for the first time in his life, not in a hurry. They'd be at their destination in four hours, and that afforded them at least a ten-minute cuddle before moving on to the real world, right?

Settling down under the covers, Logan closed his eyes and was out in less than a minute, sleep reclaiming him easily.

It was his name that called him back from it ten minutes later.

"Logan! Hey, time to get up, buddy! Come on, let's get moving! Hollywood today!"

The excitement would have been adorable if Logan wasn't half-asleep and missing those long arms around him.

"Dude, come on! It's after four, I thought you set your alarm."

"Did," Logan mumbled. Why hadn't it gone off?

"Ha, you set it for P.M. instead of A.M. I must have _really_ rocked your world."

 _Had_ he done that? He'd _never_ done that. Logan cracked open one eye to the vision of a fully-clothed James setting his phone down on the desk. "Come back here."

"Nope! Sorry, cuddle bug, it's time to rise and shine. This is it, we're finally living our dreams! I can't believe that in just a few hours, I'll be staring at the Hollywood sign."

Logan couldn't believe he would rather lay in bed with James for the next hour than get on the road. Had someone told him at the beginning of the trip that this would be the outcome, he would have laughed in disbelief.

The mattress shifted under him when James perched at the edge of it to run a soothing hand up Logan's side. "I know you're scared," he said softly, "but you can't hide in this room forever. You're gonna be the best doctor that ever practiced medicine, and that starts today. It all starts today, Logan, this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. I'm sorry we're getting there a day late, but you'll have plenty of time to get settled in and explore the campus like I know you're dying to. All of this will be like a bad dream." After a pause he added, "Though I hope some parts of it were good."

"They were, James," Logan promised, lifting a hand to run up James' back. "Some parts of it were very good."

James smiled brightly and leaned down to kiss Logan's lips lightly. When he tried to pull back, Logan tightened his hold to keep James there and kiss him harder, but James pulled away and shook his head. "Uh uh, I'm not falling for that. If you want to shower, hurry up, because I want to be on the road by 4:30."

Logan groaned into the pillow. "Not fair when you just washed your hair and it smells so good. Wait, how did you...isn't your stuff in the car?"

"I brought in a few of our suitcases. I hope you find what you need in that one, but if not I can run back down for a different one."

"How did I sleep through all of that?"

"Great sex will do that," James teased. "That was probably the best sleep of your life."

Logan couldn't argue. He groaned again when James stood to drag him into a sitting position. "Come on, sleepyhead. Shower. Are we eating here or can we stop in Vegas?"

"I already told you, we are not setting foot in Vegas."

"But buffets! All you can eat!"

"Yes, and we'll never leave if I let you loose in one of those. We can stop in Barstow for breakfast."

"Fiiiiiiiiiiine." He pulled Logan out of the bed and pushed him toward the bathroom. "Now go."

"James, will you just..." Suddenly desperate, Logan twisted back to capture James' lips in a searing kiss, relieved when James seemed to melt into it and returned it just as desperately. It only lasted a few seconds, though, before James wrenched himself away.

"Shower. Go."

Berating himself for the pain that was probably too easy to read in his eyes, Logan turned away to open one of the suitcases.

James was ready to move on.

* * *

Really, Logan should've seen this coming. And he supposed he had, in a way, but he'd expected whatever was going on between them to last until they parted. The rule had always been "What happens on this trip stays on this trip," and he was okay with that; it had made the line easier to cross the night before.

What he should have foreseen was James' behavior this morning, because James had made it clear he only did hook-ups and Logan was no different than any other of the lovers he'd spent nights with. No strings attached, that was James Diamond's _modus operandi_ , and just because Logan had experienced something that shook his world up, that didn't mean James viewed him as anything more than routine.

As Logan stepped out of the shower to dry himself with a towel, he decided that what made this so hard was that he hadn't expected to get emotionally attached. He hadn't even known he was capable of that. Over the years he'd built his wall up so high and made it so impenetrable that no one could get within three feet of it other than Kendall; but Kendall had forced his way in, refusing to leave when Logan tried to oust him. It was easier sometimes to close the door behind someone than fight to make them leave, and you got used to things instead of resenting them.

James had gone about it a little differently, though; he'd found a trap door and snuck his way in an inch at a time, Logan not realizing he was inside until it was time for him to leave. He'd never planned to stay, only to pop in and wreak a little havoc before running off to the next adventure, and the worst part was that Logan couldn't even hate him for that. He'd never promised anything else.

All this had ever been was a study in intimacy for Logan's sake. They'd both known it, and if Logan was honest with himself he could admit that had it been anything else, he probably wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. It had to happen this way or not happen at all, and as Logan reached for a clean pair of boxers, he knew he would never regret it. He might miss it occasionally, and lay in bed and wish it could happen again, but he would never take back the magic moments they'd shared or regret that for one night, he'd been special to James. Sure, it was just sex, but James had taken care of him gently and even offered a few times to back off, because deep down James was a good guy. Kendall had told him that from the start, and Kendall was rarely wrong when it came to things outside of an academic nature; Kendall knew people and knew about life.

If Logan were to share all of this with Kendall, he already knew what Kendall would say and that Kendall would be absolutely right to say it: this was all for the best. James had a life planned out, Logan had a life planned out, and neither fit into the others' puzzles. It had been an experience Logan desperately needed to have, and he could move forward feeling more confident and with less fear in social situations. The hurdle had been cleared.

Even though sadness crept in every time he imagined James stepping out of the car for the last time, Logan refused to let that push him back behind the wall. It was terrifying to care for someone, to feel such emptiness at the thought of being alone again, but if he reverted back to the cold, unfeeling person he'd been before James, this would all be for nothing. James had taught him that feelings weren't something to run from, but to embrace. So he would embrace this, accept that he cared deeply for James and would worry about him on his own, but he would also remember that James' place was not by his side, nor his by James'-they each had their own paths to walk.

Logan was combing his hair when a fist pounded on the bathroom door. "Hey, come on, we gotta go! What are you doing, jacking off in there? I've created a monster."

Rolling his eyes but amused rather than offended, as he might have been only twenty-four hours ago, Logan smiled. "Wouldn't you like to know?" he called out. The door was unlocked, James could easily storm in to satisfy his curiosity, and Logan half-hoped he would.

James didn't, though; there was no need to play the game now, he'd gotten what he wanted. "I got our stuff in the car, want me to check out for us?"

Letting go of the last string that connected himself to James, Logan forced away the feelings that made him want to beg James to stay here with him forever. "Sure," he answered, wiping at one lone tear that escaped down his cheek and strengthening his voice. "I'll meet you down at the car in a few minutes."


	16. Chapter 16

In this chapter, the song playing in the car is "Monkey Paw" by Mourning Widows.

* * *

"So how long before we stop for breakfast?"

Logan couldn't help but chuckle; they'd been on the road for a total of seven minutes after leaving the gas station. "About three hours. Think you can handle that?"

"Yeah, I've still got some of those crackers left I bought yesterday. How about the granola bars, are those gone?"

"No. Help yourself."

"Cool." James dug behind Logan's seat for the remaining two bars, offering one to Logan.

"No, thanks."

"You sure? It's the last two, and I don't mind sharing."

"I appreciate that, but I'm good. You go ahead."

"Whatever you say," James replied, snagging a bottle of water from the pack before zipping it closed. He unwrapped one of the bars and broke off a bite-sized piece, lifting it to Logan's lips. Smirking because he should have seen that coming, Logan opened his mouth so James could pop it in.

"You're still annoying."

"You still like me. Who's gonna feed you while you drive in L.A.? I've heard traffic is bad out there, you could be stuck for hours."

"Thanks for brightening my day with that vision." Logan opened his mouth for another piece, swallowing before sipping from the bottle James tipped against his lips. "Did you get in touch with your buddy and let him know you'd be there in a few hours?"

"I was gonna wait until after eight. It's only four-forty-five."

"Good call," Logan nodded. "But that won't give him a lot of time to prepare, we should be in town by ten."

"Really? We're that close?"

"We are. We can even stop for an hour at breakfast and still make it by then."

"Awesome!" James grinned. "Maybe I'll call him around seven, then."

"Do you have his address, so I know where to drop you off?"

"No, I'm gonna have you leave me at Union Station and take the subway out. He lives just a few blocks from one of the stops."

"James, you have five suitcases. There's no way you can walk with all of that-"

"Relax, Mommy. He'll pick me up. We already worked it out."

"Okay, sorry. That's still a lot to take on the subway, though. I don't mind taking you all the way to-"

"There's no need, but I appreciate it. He told me to call him if I need help, so if it's too much I'll do that and he can pick me up from Union Station."

"That's silly, James, why don't I just-"

"Logan. Let it go. I'm a big boy and I can take care of myself."

"Right. Sorry." Stung by the annoyed tone, Logan reminded himself that James wanted nothing to do with him once they arrived in L.A. He was making a clean break. "Will you at least keep in touch with Shelly?"

"I'll let her know I got there safe, yeah."

"And then?"

"I don't know."

Preparing himself for a harsh reply, Logan asked, "Will you let _me_ know you got there safe?"

"I'll make sure Shelly lets Kendall know."

Nodding slowly, Logan got the hint—they would never see each other again. He thought about bringing up the money James had promised to pay him back, but honestly he wasn't concerned with it and would only be using it as a link to James, and how pathetic was that? He was beginning to rethink his theory that it was better to feel than be cold inside.

"You mind if I sleep?" James asked suddenly. "I didn't get much of that last night."

Logan shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. It was obvious James couldn't wait to be rid of him, and the next five hours were going to be torture.

* * *

An hour in, the silence (as well as his own morose thoughts) got the best of Logan. James had tipped the seat back and shifted onto his right side, covering himself with the beloved black leather jacket before slipping into unconsciousness. Glancing down at him now, Logan couldn't stand it anymore and reached out to shake him awake.

James jerked, as usual, and Logan wondered if the move to California would free him of nightmares; he hoped so.

"Are we there? Did I sleep that long?"

"No," Logan replied as James stretched. "I'm falling asleep and I need you to keep me awake."

It was a lie Logan wasn't proud of, as his only reason for waking James was the desperation to interact with him as much as possible before they parted. Over the past hour he'd come to accept that he'd never see James again, but he wasn't quite willing to sacrifice the few hours left to him.

"Sure." Flipping the seat upright, James rubbed at his eyes. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know. Anything else you need to get off your chest before we say goodbye? I promise that nothing we said or did leaves this car."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for that. But there's really nothing else to say. I'm working on leaving it all in the past."

"I know, but before you do that, do you need to grieve at all? I know you're angry at your mother, but that doesn't mean you won't miss her."

"I've missed her for over ten years, Logan; this is no different."

"It is, though," Logan argued. "It's very different and you'll be on your own. At least back home you saw her every night, right?"

"Hardly. She got home too late to eat with us and spent most of her time in her office. She'd always peek in before I went to sleep, but..."

When James fell silent, Logan glanced over to see him staring out the window again. He reached out a hand for James, who surprised him by taking it and squeezing.

"Don't make me cry," James said softly. "I'm past that."

"Maybe you need to. Not as a character, but as yourself. It's okay to miss someone you love, even if that person doesn't seem to love you back."

"She does," James sniffed, the tears spilling over. "She always made sure to say that, every night. It's the one thing I could always count on. She just...never showed it much. Never listened when I needed her to. Where are the fucking tissues?"

Logan pulled his hand back and lifted the top of the console for James to reach in. "I'm sorry."

"You're so fucking lucky, Logan," James spat. "It doesn't matter that you never had a dad; your mom made up for that, and you got more attention than I did with two parents." He wiped angrily at his eyes. "And you're an asshole for making me talk about this."

"I'm just making you get it all out now instead of bottling it up. I want the nightmares to stop, I want you to be free when you start your new life. You need to let it go, but you can't until you face it. You made me face my issues, I'm just doing the same for you."

"Your issues were easier, though. And a lot more fun."

Logan chuckled, shaking his head. "Fun for you, maybe. It was years and years of hell for me."

"Don't act like last night wasn't fun. You loved it."

"I did," Logan admitted. "A lot more than I imagined I could. But stop trying to change the subject. You need to grieve before you let go."

"Since when are you an expert on feelings, Mr. Cranky-and-Uptight? Is that what sex did for you, made you an expert in psychology?"

"Maybe," Logan shrugged. "I'm still going to be uptight, I'm sure. But at least now I know I'm capable of being with someone. So...thanks."

"It does feel good to know I broke you down in two days when no one else could even get close. Guess I'm just that good."

"So full of yourself," Logan commented with an eye roll. "Was that your goal from the start? To get me in bed?"

"Nah. I just wanted a ride to L.A. The rest was a bonus."

"Bonus," Logan echoed, unsure if he should be flattered or offended by that. "Why don't you put that playlist on again?"

"Why?"

"So you can say goodbye to your mom."

"I was actually going to erase it. Take all the songs off my phone."

"Then please, James. Listen to it one more time first, remember the good times with her. Maybe when you move on, you can hold onto those and not let the pain cloud it all."

"If I do, can we talk about your dad?"

"What about him?"

"Yes or no. I face my mommy issues, you face your daddy ones."

"I don't have daddy issues."

"Yes or no, Logan. We're in this together."

"Fine, we can talk about it, but there's nothing to say."

"And now you sound like me." James hooked his phone up to the cord that was still plugged into the stereo system, pressing play so that a hard rock song filled the silence.

"She was a fan of heavy metal, wasn't she?" Logan smiled.

"Yeah, Dad says she was a rock chick when they met. That's how they met, actually, at a concert. You'd never know it now, though." Tossing his used tissue in the trash bag near his feet, James said, "So let's talk about you."

"Do we have to?"

"That was the deal. When are you planning to go see your dad?"

"I have no intention of seeing my dad."

"Okay, let me rephrase the question. How long will it be before you can't stand it and go see your dad?"

"James, there's no reason to do that. He's got his own life, and so do I."

"So you're not curious at all? You won't even drive by his house or his workplace?"

"Why should I?"

"Because he's your dad. I thought we covered this already."

"I also explained that he's not my dad—he's my father. He doesn't deserve to know me."

"That's true," James agreed. "So when you go to his house, will you try to talk to him at all?"

Wishing James would just shut up (had he really purposely woken James up?), Logan shook his head. "I don't know. It's best I don't. He has kids now, you know? Probably wants nothing to do with his old life, of which I was never really a part."

"Did he know about you, though? Did your mom tell him, at least?"

"Yes. That's why he left."

"Oh. Ouch. I'm sorry."

"His loss, that's what Mom always says."

"She's right. You're the kind of kid any parent would be proud to have. You probably got a scholarship, didn't you?"

"Yeah. That's how Mom was able to buy me this car, she used money from my college fund. But I'll still need money for medical school. Not sure how I'm going to manage that, especially if I graduate early from UCLA."

"They don't have scholarships for med school?"

"They do, but they're hard to get. You have to be the top of the top."

"Which you can do with your eyes closed."

"Not if I don't stay focused. That's why I don't like distractions, because it's easy to lose that edge. I need to make a scholarship happen or my chances for med school are slim."

"I know how you feel," James nodded. "That's the reason I don't plan to date for a long time once I get started on my career. I'm gonna use my tools and learn from everyone I can, do whatever it takes to get my foot in the door. There won't be time for someone else in my life, you know?"

"I do know," Logan agreed. "It's almost a blessing that I have social anxiety; it'll keep me from being tempted to lose focus."

"Exactly. I'm really glad you conquered your fear of sex, but it's for the best that you don't have anyone to distract you."

"Right." Swallowing over the lump in his throat, Logan said nothing else and they lapsed into silence, the lyrics of the current guitar-heavy song suddenly seeming loud.

" _Stop! Oh what kind of voodoo shit is this, this is no accident_

 _Freeze! No I have no reason to believe this is coincidence_

 _He'll bring me all the love I ever needed_

 _And he'll rid me of the past"_

Logan blinked, the words hitting home to leave him breathless for a few seconds while James glared at the stereo system as if it had personally betrayed him.

"How much further to Barstow?" he asked.

"About an hour and half," Logan answered. Hoping to lighten the mood, he prodded, "What sounds good for breakfast?"

"I still get to pick even though it's not my birthday?"

"Sure. Last meal together, why not?"

James made an amused sound. "And here we thought dinner last night would be our last meal together."

"Yeah, that plan kind of blew up in my face."

"Do you regret it?" James asked, face turned to study Logan's profile.

"No," Logan replied sincerely. "I needed it."

" _He brings me all the love I ever needed_

 _And he rids me of the bad"_

A hand snaked across the console in search of Logan's, which immediately moved to link their fingers upon contact.

" _Stop! I've been trying to get the monkey off my back, but all along I was wrong_

 _Hey! Now I must restore some dignity_

 _Sanity, come to me_

 _I'm finally free from all the chaos, all the madness, hallelujah!"_

The hand squeezed tighter, Logan returning the pressure as the words washed over them for one last chorus.

" _He brings me all the luck I ever needed_

 _And he rids me of the bad_

 _He brings me all the love I ever needed_

 _And he's always there for me"_

Ready to open his mouth and communicate that he would be there for James if he was ever needed, Logan was surprised to feel James' hand wrenching free from his to shut the music off.

"Fuck this shit. I don't need this."

It was another slap in the face, Logan returning his right hand to the wheel and determined to keep both there for the remainder of the drive. He'd been right all along—driving with only one hand on the wheel could be dangerous.

* * *

"I'm thinking of something."

Logan was tempted to ignore the sentence, feathers still ruffled from James' abrupt behavior ten minutes earlier, but finally went along with the game. "Is it a person, place, or thing?"

"Not a yes-or-no question, Mr. By-the-Book."

"Fine. Is it a person?"

"No."

"Is it a place?"

"No. Well...wait. It can be. Actually, it can be a person, too. So I take back my last answer."

"In that case, am I to assume it can also be a thing?"

"I guess. That's three questions."

"And I've narrowed nothing down."

"Not my problem, genius."

"It's a person, place, _and_ a thing?"

"I said it _can_ be."

"Which doesn't help. I'm kind of at a loss here, James."

"Good, I might actually win a game for once. And that makes question four."

"No, that was clarification of the first three. If you can use that, so can I."

"Okay, fine. Move on."

Logan let out an irritated noise, not in the mood for games at the moment. He supposed it was better than James shutting him out, though. "Uh...so is it an idea?"

"Hard to answer that. I guess kind of."

"It's not thermonuclear dynamics, is it?"

"Still don't know what that is," James chuckled.

"I know that, which is why you would try to be sneaky and choose it, thinking I'd never guess that from you. But that gives me an idea for question...five?"

"Yes."

"Is it sexual?"

"Logan, why do you always assume I'm thinking about sex?"

"Because you're James Diamond. Answer the question."

"Well..."

"Let me guess—it can be."

"Exactly."

"Is it a movie?"

"No. Although..."

"It can be, got it. What is it, life?"

"No."

"But it can also be, I'm assuming?"

"Um...I guess technically it's part of life. But just one part."

Frowning, Logan asked, "Is it death?"

"How is that a person and a place?"

"I'm trying to put myself in your head, and I can see you deciding death is a person and a place."

"Well, it's not death. How many questions have you asked?"

"I lost count. I've done a lot of guessing, so we'll just go with six."

"Okay, you're down six. Go for it."

Keeping in mind the not-so-helpful clues he'd picked up so far, Logan talked it out. "Okay, so it's a part of life. Can be almost anything, from what I've gathered. Is it an idea?"

"You already asked that."

"Is it a dream?"

"No, though it-"

"Can be, got it. Is there anything it _can't_ be?"

James thought that over, and finally nodded. "There is one thing for sure it can't be."

"What's that?"

"Not a yes-or-no question, Logan."

Logan sighed. It could be a dream, an idea, a person, a place, a thing...and it was part of life. And of course, it could also be sexual. Almost hesitantly, Logan guessed, "It is love?"

James bit his lip while considering that, gaze once again settling on the passing landscape. "It can be, but no. That's not it."

"Is it...a crush?"

"No. But..."

"Right," Logan commented, James not even having to finish the thought. "Wait, is it a thought?"

"No," James smiled, suddenly grinning over at Logan, and together they intoned, "but it can be."

"James, this is impossible, and I don't even know how many questions I've-"

"Wait," James interrupted. "Actually, I'm wrong. It kind of _is_ a thought. But that's not the answer."

"You mean it can be a thought?"

"No, I mean, it's _always_ a thought. But it's more than that."

"And it's not an idea?"

"No."

Pondering that, Logan narrowed his eyes. "Is it a good thought?"

"It can be. It can be the best thought you'll ever have in your life."

"But also the worst," Logan guessed, and James nodded.

So if it wasn't an idea, which dealt with the future, perhaps it dealt with the past. A thought about the past. Logan smiled when it clicked. "It's a memory."

James glanced over with a slow smile of his own, then nodded again. "It's a memory."

Wondering if James was somehow trying to communicate something to him, Logan pursed his lips. "My turn." He hoped this wouldn't be too abstract of an idea for this game, but a memory hadn't exactly been easy, either. "Go."

"Okay. Is it a person?"

"Not on its own."

"What does that mean?" James asked.

"Just that. It's not a person, but it involves a person."

"I'm already confused. Is it a place?"

"No."

"Oh." Surprised, James grinned. "I thought you were gonna try to confuse me like I did you."

"Well, this won't be easy to guess, but it's a definite...something."

"So it's a thing?"

"Not an object, if that's what you're asking. Three down."

"Okay, fine. An idea?"

"I suppose it would fall under that category, but that's not exactly right, either. More like...an act."

"Wow, you just totally gave me a freebie."

Logan laughed, realizing he had. "That's four."

"Okay, so an act that involves a person but not a place."

"It can involve a place, but it's more about the person."

"Man, this sucks. Why couldn't you just choose thermonuclear dynamics? Or...did you?" When Logan laughed again, James added, "Hey, you could and I'd never know it, because I have no idea what that is."

"It has to do with thermonuclear fusion. And please don't ask me what that is; I promise you're happier not getting into all of that."

"I'll trust you. So it's not thermonuclear dynamics?"

"It is not."

"That's all I need to know. Okay, question five. Uh...is it sex?"

"And you wonder why I always assume you have sex on the brain."

"Hey, you might now, too! I rocked your world!"

"Rest assured that sex is still not something I will think about twenty-four/seven. It's not sex."

"Okay, just making sure. Is it an act that makes you happy?"

"No," Logan answered immediately.

"Definitely not sex, then. But I already knew that. So something that makes you sad. Is it exercise?"

"Exercise makes you sad?"

"No, I love it. But most...uh, people like you...don't."

"Thanks for not calling me a nerd, James."

"No reason to hurt your feelings. And nerds can be hot, so don't take it as an insult. Is it exercise?"

"No. It's hard to keep track when you keep guessing rather than asking actual questions."

"Don't worry, I'm keeping score. I've asked five questions. An act that makes you sad," James mused.

"It's not always a conscious act," Logan clarified. "Not something you can control, so I don't want you to get stuck on that. It just happens, whether you want it to or not."

"And it involves another person."

"Yes."

"But it's not love, because love is supposed to make you happy."

"So they say," Logan replied. "But no, it's not love."

"Is it hate?"

"No."

"This is impossible. You know that, right?"

"That's how I felt about memory, but eventually I figured it out. Keep trying."

"Wait, is it like...running into someone?"

"What?"

"Like literally falling into someone? That is an act that involves another person but won't make you happy. And not something you can really control."

"No," Logan chuckled, "but once again I'm impressed with your logic. That actually made sense."

"Still wrong, though."

"Ask more questions."

"You just want me to lose."

"No, this one I'd actually like you to guess."

"Then I need more clues."

"Ask more questions."

"Fine." Running a hand through his hair in exasperation, James sighed. "Can it happen more than once?"

"Absolutely."

"Why would you want it to, if it makes you sad?"

"Because you can't always control it, remember?"

"Oh. Right. Oh my god, is it murder?"

"No, James. That can only happen to you once."

"True. You're sure it's not sex?"

"I'm positive! Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"So it's not sexual?"

"I...it can be."

"Oh great, now you're starting with the 'it can be' crap. You're cheating, Logan."

"I am not cheating! Every question I asked you had the 'it can be' answer. If anyone cheated, you did."

"Well, wasn't it true every time I said it?"

"Yes, and it's true when I say it, too. It can be sexual. But it will never make you happy."

James blinked a few times before shifting sideways toward Logan. "It's not rape, is it? Logan, were you raped as a child or something?"

"No! I don't understand where you—wait." Logan's foot came off the gas pedal momentarily as a horrifying idea occurred to him. "Were _you_? He never touched you like that, did he? Tell me the truth right now, James, I swear if he-"

"No. No, Logan, I swear. I'd tell you the truth. He never touched me like that."

"Promise?" Logan asked, ready to pull over at the slightest hint that James was lying.

"I promise. My first time was with an older girl who lived a few doors down from us. He never touched me like that."

"Okay." Knowing James well enough by now to see he was being honest, Logan relaxed. "Sorry if I jumped to conclusions, but you did say you started at an early age and-"

"It's okay. It means a lot that you care."

"I do," Logan nodded. "This whole thing might be easier if I didn't care."

"I know," James replied. "But...just hold on to the memories, okay? Don't ever forget me."

"I couldn't if I tried. You're not exactly the most forgettable person."

"Good. That's my goal in life, to be noticeable. It'll help me succeed as an actor, you know?"

"Well, you're certainly that," Logan admitted. "So if that's what it takes, you're well on your way."

"Awesome!" James exclaimed, facing forward again. "I can't believe it's finally happening! I've waited most of my life for this, Logan!"

"I know. Just remember to thank me in that Oscar speech."

"Done," James laughed.

It was another twenty minutes before James realized they'd never finished the game. "Wait, you never told me the answer—what was it I was supposed to guess?"

"Giving up already?" Logan teased.

"I don't even remember how far we got. Just tell me."

Feeling pathetic in the wake of their more recent conversation, Logan wished he'd never started the game. His face was hot when he divulged, "It was...missing someone."

"Oh," James said softly, for what might be the first time in his life surprised into silence.

"Yeah, it was lame," Logan finally said.

"No more lame than my memory. I'd say they're kind of...intertwined, wouldn't you?"

"They can be," Logan replied, causing James to smirk at the joke before speaking.

"They are. I promise."

Logan took comfort in the fact that he'd gotten his point across, at least. James knew he had a difficult time expressing himself and couldn't quite come out and say the words, "I'll miss you." Knowing that James had similar issues with emoting, he opted to take James' "memory" as proof that he wouldn't be forgotten.

" _But...just hold on to the memories, okay? Don't ever forget me."_

That was a promise Logan could keep.


	17. Chapter 17

For what would be the last time, Logan witnessed James' excitement over food as they pulled off the highway in Barstow, California. Face pressed to the window, he shrieked, "In-N-Out! Oh my god, Logan, look! It's In-N-Out!"

"I have no idea what that is, but I'm not at all surprised you're excited about a place that sounds like sex."

"What?! No, you asshole! It's a burger place! The best burger place in the world!"

"Have you eaten there before?"

"No."

"Then how can you possibly state that?"

"Because everyone says so! It's a California thing. Logan, can we please eat there? Please?!"

"Yes, just relax," Logan chuckled, rolling the car to a stop at a red light. "Don't leave tongue marks on my window," he teased.

"Be quiet, I wasn't licking it. Just maybe drooling a little."

"Figures you chose a burger place. It's so you."

"It'll be you, too, once you get a taste of it. Just wait."

Reminded of James' assertion that he would feel the same after trying sex, Logan chose not to argue. "You know, you really are adorable when it comes to food."

James smiled over at him, those happy hazel eyes dancing merrily. "You like me. Never thought that would come to pass, but you actually like me."

What Logan felt was so much stronger than _like_ , but James didn't want to hear that. Logan turned his focus to traffic as he pulled into the intersection.

"I'll interpret your silence as assent," James grinned.

"Wow, big words from such a pretty face. I think I'm rubbing off on you, Mr. Perfect-Hair-and-Teeth."

"Haven't heard that one in a few days. Still obsessed with my hair, are you?"

"Did you ever decide what to do with it?"

"Think so. Think I'm gonna cut it. Not too much, because I want to be able to audition for teen roles, but enough that I can also pass for an adult. Kind of a halfway look, you know?"

Trying to imagine that, Logan regretted that he'd never get to see it. "Sounds like a safe bet."

"Yeah. By morning, most of this lion's mane will be a memory." James ran a hand through his hair, flipping down the visor to study it. "That is if...Logan, can I borrow twenty bucks for a haircut? Promise it'll go on my tally."

"That's perfectly fine, James. Anything I can do to help."

The hands stopped moving in mid-flip of long, dark bangs that brushed against perfectly (but naturally) sculpted eyebrows. "You know, Logan...I think if we'd known each other in Minnesota, my life would be a lot different. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe you wouldn't even have taken a second glance at me."

"You wouldn't have noticed me," Logan replied, and knew in his heart that was true. He parked in a spot near the front entrance and shut off the car. "Sometimes life just...turns things inside out and makes something beautiful out of it."

"Yeah," James smiled, unbuckling his seatbelt but leaning back against the seat. "Like that song says: 'This is no accident. I got no reason to believe this is coincidence.' I guess we were meant to cross paths for a few days and help each other transition into our new lives."

Studying James, Logan commented, "Sometimes I think you're a lot smarter than you let on. It's okay for pretty faces to have a brain, you know. Remember that in Hollywood."

"I will. Thanks, buddy. Now come on, I'm starving and I need to stretch my legs. That was a long three hours."

"And let's not forget that you have to pee," Logan teased as he unbuckled his own seatbelt and opened the car door to set one foot out. "You must have the smallest-"

"Keys!" James called back just before slamming his door.

"Shit." He'd been about to lock them in the car, as usual. He grabbed them and trotted to catch up with James, who was holding the restaurant's door for him with a grin.

"Lost without me," James winked.

"Just get in line."

Rather than rush off, like Logan expected, James used a hand on his shoulder to steer him to the back of the line, then surprised him with arms around his waist. It was torture but the sweetest kind, Logan leaning back into the strength and savoring it before it was gone forever.

"Know what you want?" James whispered in his ear.

There were many ways Logan could answer that question, but he focused on the menu instead. "Wait, that's it? There are three things on the menu, and they're all burgers?"

"What else do they need? You can order fries and a shake, too."

"Oh, forgive me. Add a soft drink to that and you get six menu items. Seriously, that's it?"

"I've heard there's some kind of secret menu, too, but that's also burgers."

"Guess I'm having a burger, then."

"Good call."

They laughed together as they approached the counter, Logan attempting to step away from James but finding the arms like a vise around him. He ordered a simple cheeseburger meal while James went for a double, and then they discovered it impossible to find an empty table.

"Man, this place is packed," James complained.

"It's Sunday morning, I bet everyone's coming back from Las Vegas. We could eat in the car, I guess."

"I'm so sick of that car."

"You and me both," Logan sighed. "Go to the restroom and I'll wait for the food."

Once it came up, Logan asked for it to-go instead, then passed the bag and drinks to James before handing over the keys as well. "Meet you in the car."

After a trip to the restroom himself, Logan returned to the car to find James had devoured half his burger. "I take it you like it?"

"Sooooo good," James managed through a full mouth. "Here's yours. Look, they even give it to you in these little boxes! How cool is that?"

"The strangest things..." Logan murmured, but reached for his strawberry shake and box of food. "The shake's better than the one in...where the heck was that, anyway?"

"No idea, that was like two days ago. I barely remember yesterday."

Had it only been the night before last they were kissing in a bed? And just last night they were...?

Not following that thought any further, Logan bit into his burger and proclaimed it "good enough."

"Good enough? That's all you have to say? It's amazing!"

"It's a burger. Probably the last one I'll eat for months."

"Better enjoy it, then. Try the fries."

Logan was less impressed with the fries, but popped a second one in his mouth. "So, what do you have planned today? Besides a haircut."

"Well, let's see. Gonna get moved in, see what my buddy has going on. I want to get out and see the city if I can, though. At least the Hollywood sign. I'm hoping there's enough money left after the haircut for me to take a subway out to where they have the stars and stuff. On the sidewalks, you know?"

"Yeah. I'll make sure you have enough."

"Hey, Logan," James began, suddenly serious. "I just wanted to say thank you. For the food, the ride, for putting up with me...I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And I pulled some crazy stunts, but...I never meant to cause any trouble for you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here, so...thanks."

Speaking from the heart, Logan nodded as he replied, "I'm glad I could help, James. And I know how difficult it was for you to talk about your parents, but...I'm glad you trusted me enough to confide in me."

"I trust you to never repeat anything I told you, or tell anyone what happened between us. It could come back to haunt me when I'm famous."

"It stays right here in this car," Logan promised. "But thank you, as well. For...you know."

"Yeah," James smirked. "That was probably my favorite part."

"Big surprise there," Logan laughed.

"So are you good now? Ready to go make friends and flirt with people?"

"Uh...no. But I'm no longer afraid that I'll be alone forever. I'm still a little nervous about my roommate, because what if he hates me?"

"He won't," James assured him. "Do you know anything about him?"

"Nothing yet. Oh, that reminds me. I was supposed to call Kendall. Why don't you call your friend, let him know you'll be there in a few hours?"

"When I'm done eating. We're still talking about you."

"We are?"

"Yes. I promise, Logan, your roommate will love you because you'll save his ass a thousand times and be able to help him with homework and listen to his problems. Just don't fuck him, because that can get awkward."

"Yeah, that's one more thing I don't plan to do again for a long time. One night in bed with you doesn't make me a sex fiend."

"Then I did something wrong."

Logan busted up, for some reason finding the comment funnier than it should have been—possibly because he was lying through his teeth and wished he could experience that every night. "You did everything right," Logan smiled. "I'm just...you know. It's not at the top of my list of things to accomplish."

"Well, one day when you want it again, you'll know how to do it. You're welcome for that."

Logan balled up the wrapper from his burger and reached for a third napkin. "At least they know you need a million napkins."

"That's what makes it so good, dude. Messy and juicy. Just like great sex."

Shaking his head, Logan wiped his mouth and hands before sipping more of his shake. "Obsessed with sex."

"Hey, you at least enjoyed it, right? Tell me that much before I go."

"Is that why you keep bringing it up? You're digging for a compliment?"

"I just want to make sure I did the job well. If it's something you want to do again, then I did."

"And you have to ask? You couldn't tell I was enjoying it?"

"Sometimes things look different in the morning."

That was true enough; Logan had felt the change in James immediately upon waking. He watched James stow their trash in the now-empty bags, wondering how to reply. Finally he settled on the truth, knowing it wouldn't change anything. "It was the best night of my life, James."

Shocked by the candor and sincerity behind the words, James lifted his gaze to Logan's. Heat rose in his eyes, taking Logan right back to a dark room where James had said things like, "Don't you dare stop." A hand reached out to slide behind Logan's neck, pulling him closer until their lips met for a long kiss that Logan put all of his feelings into. His hands got lost in James' hair, bringing a whine from James' mouth, and for a crazy moment Logan wondered how difficult it would be to fuck in a car.

Sanity returned when James pulled back, though, Logan as usual amazed at the way he'd lost the ability to think clearly when James' lips were on his.

"I need to walk around a little bit before we go," James stated.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. Stretch some. And we should-"

"Use the bathroom again, I know. I'm gonna get rid of our trash and call my buddy."

"Sounds good."

Once James had walked toward the restaurant's entrance, Logan opened his door and stepped out—this time remembering the keys on his own. He closed the door, digging out his phone to call Kendall. It should be almost ten o'clock in Texas, and though Kendall tended to sleep in when he could, Logan thought he might be up.

A sleep-roughened voice greeted him, Logan wincing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"No problem. You there?"

"Almost. I should be on campus in about two hours, depending on how far it is from where I drop James."

"Yeah, I was surprised you stopped last night. You were so dead-set against doing that."

Biting his lip, Logan replied, "I needed sleep."

"Well, _I_ know that, but you usually don't listen when someone else tells you that. You're stubborn."

"So I've been told," Logan chuckled. "How's the team?"

"I don't officially meet everyone until tomorrow, but so far it's good. I met half of them on the ice yesterday, when I went out to practice with Carlos."

"Carlos? Is that the roommate?"

"Yeah. Dude makes killer tacos. I think I ate like six."

"Well, at least I don't have to worry about you starving there," Logan grinned. "Are you getting used to his enthusiasm?"

"Slowly. He's still kind of like a freight train. Actually, more like a puppy that runs at you when you walk in the door. Always yapping and jumping at your heels. He's short," Kendall laughed. "But fast on the ice, which is what matters."

"Yeah. I'm glad you have a friend there."

"Really? You actually sound like you mean that."

"I do. It's hard in a way, but...I wouldn't want you to be alone. I'm sorry I didn't realize that sooner. You deserve someone to hang out with."

Sounding more awake suddenly, Kendall asked, "Logan, you're not dumping me, are you? Did you decide James was a better friend?"

"No," Logan chuckled. "I won't see him again once I drop him off, he's made that clear."

"Okay, your voice just cracked. What happened?"

 _Fuck._ Kendall always saw right through him. Bracing himself to keep a brave face, Logan answered, "Nothing happened. But you know me, I worry about people, and I can't help but worry about him on his own. I'd feel better if I could keep in touch with him, make sure he's okay."

"Why don't you? He gave you his number, right?"

"No. He doesn't want any ties to his old life once we get to L.A."

"Oh, shit. Seriously? Does Shelly know that?"

"I think he's gonna tell her. He said he'd call her to let her know he arrived safely."

"Logan, did you get attached? Wait, what am I talking about? This is you, you don't get attached."

"Exactly. He's got his own life, I've got mine. But I will say he's not at all what I expected."

"No? Is that good or bad?"

"A little of both. I don't want to keep you, we need to get back on the road. Crazy to think that in a few hours, I'll be at UCLA, isn't it? It's been my dream since-"

"Since before I met you, yeah. Just like hockey was mine. We can do this, Logan. I know you're scared about being around new people, but-"

"Actually...I'm okay with it. I've grown up a lot in two days."

"Yeah, I can tell. Are you really okay?"

Feeling eyes on him, Logan spun around to face the restaurant, where James was on his own phone and staring at him. James grinned when their eyes met, Logan's heart doing a flip in his chest. "Yeah. I'm okay. Looking forward to Thanksgiving already, though."

"Still planning to kill me in my bed?"

Thinking of the next few months he'd spend missing James, Logan replied, "You have no idea."

"Come on, was he really that bad?"

James winked and pursed his lips into a kiss, causing Logan to smile in spite of the pain he knew he'd be left with soon enough. "He's like no one else."

"Hey, at least you weren't bored the whole time, right?"

"No, I can't say I was bored at all," Logan admitted.

"What the...oh hell, I smell waffles. Logan, I think he's making me waffles for breakfast."

"Quit making me jealous. I'm gonna get going, but I'll call you tonight once I get settled in, if that's okay?"

"Of course it's okay. Call me anytime. I'm sure by tonight you'll be freaking about your classes."

"Maybe." Logan sighed as James approached the car. "Enjoy your waffles."

"What?!" James pouted. "Kendall gets waffles?"

"Yeah, his roommate cooks for him. I won't be so lucky."

"You would if I lived with you," James pointed out.

"Don't even joke about that, James."

"Hi, Kendall!" James yelled, standing close to Logan.

"Tell him hi," Kendall laughed. "And thank him for watching over you."

"Kendall says thanks for taking care of me," Logan passed on.

"Does he know...?" James whispered.

Logan shook his head.

"Good. You're welcome!" he yelled into the phone before rounding the hood to climb into the car.

"I'm hanging up now," Logan stated. "Goodbye, Kendall. Talk to you later."

"Okay. See you, bro. I'm glad you called. I feel better, you sound like you're in a better place."

"I guess I am. Bye."

"Bye. Don't kill James before you get there, you've only got a few more hours left."

"I promise he'll arrive safely. Bye."

Logan ended the call and stared into his car, seeing a vision that would come back to haunt him for months to come—James Diamond buckled into the passenger seat of his car, staring down at something on the tiny screen on his phone while his hair fell across his eyes. Committing that scene to memory, Logan wrenched his door open to slide behind the wheel for the last time on this trip.

"You ready?" James asked. "My buddy's waiting for me."

Logan nodded, fastening his seat belt and turning the car on. The sooner he got James to Hollywood, the sooner he could start getting over him.

* * *

The talk between them remained light for the rest of the drive, James excited over the landmarks he planned to visit and the prospect of breathing the same air as movie stars. He needled Logan about the fact that he'd probably spend all of his time on campus, which Logan didn't deny while reminding James that their reasons for moving to the same city were at opposite ends of the spectrum.

As they neared Los Angeles, James squealed over the skyline he'd come to know through pictures, as well as signs pointing out directions to beaches. "Beaches, Logan! Can you believe it? I'm gonna get to surf!"

Considering the life James was coming from, Logan thought he deserved simple pleasures like the beach and surfing. "You're going to love it here."

"I know! Even if I'm just sitting in my room staring out the window, it's better than what I left behind."

"I was just thinking that. You deserve happiness, James. You deserve to be loved and admired the way you crave. Just...remember that a little humility goes a long way."

"I will," James smiled, and as they exited the freeway near Union Station, he suddenly reached out a hand across the console. Warring with himself, Logan finally let go of the wheel and placed his hand in James', which wrapped around it tightly. "I'm scared."

"I know."

"What if I fail? What if these auditions go nowhere and I end up having to run back home with my tail between my legs? I can't do that, Logan. I can't."

"What if I'm the school pariah and no one speaks to me and I flunk out my first semester?"

"What? Logan, that would never happen."

"And neither will your fears. You've got what it takes, James—the looks, the style, and most importantly, the heart. Your determination will get you far, as long as you keep that focus."

"You really believe that, don't you?" James asked softly.

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't." Following the street signs to the station, Logan turned into a parking lot and figured out where the drop-off zone was. He slipped his hand out of James' to shift the car into park, then turned to face him. "You are going to be the most amazing actor this town has ever seen. I still believe in you, James, and in that moment when your mother looks back and feels guilty for doubting you."

"I want that so bad. All of it."

"You'll have it. There will be setbacks, I'm sure, but you'll get there. I'd stake my life on it."

James swallowed hard, then unbuckled the seatbelt to lean across the console for a sweet kiss. "I hope that one day if I get really sick, you're the doctor who operates on me. Because you're gonna save so many lives the way you already saved mine."

Logan stared deeply into James' eyes, seeing the unspoken words. "You were contemplating suicide, weren't you?"

"Doesn't matter now. I'm here, and that's all that does. Thank you."

As they were both getting choked up, Logan freed himself from the harness and opened his door to help James grab his luggage. He found a rolling cart and brought it over, stepping back once the suitcases were in place. "Wow. Looks so empty now," Logan commented before slamming his trunk closed.

"Yeah. Don't lock your keys in the car, okay? I won't be there to save your ass anymore."

"Don't remind me," Logan chuckled, and then he was wrapped up in a hug so tight he couldn't breathe but he returned it just as desperately.

"You're gonna be fine," James whispered. "Top of your class."

"I hope so. Just...take care of yourself, okay? Make sure you get enough to eat and always wear your jacket when it rains and don't stay up all night playing games on your phone."

"Promise," James chuckled, Logan surprised to see him wiping away tears when they stepped back.

"Wait, I was gonna give you money." He whipped out his wallet, glad he'd had the foresight to carry around enough cash for an emergency. "Here. I wish it was more, but that's all the cash I have on me and-"

"Logan, are you insane? There's two hundred dollars here!"

"Make it last. I know you're good for it."

"I don't know when I can pay it back, though, I mean—"

"Don't worry about it. Just take care of yourself. That's all the payback I need."

James lifted a hand to caress Logan's face, Logan automatically leaning into the touch. "Some bitch is gonna be so lucky someday."

"You keep saying that."

"It's true. Married to a rich doctor with a heart of gold. Maybe one day I'll be that lucky."

"You know, James...it's not too late to-"

"I need to go."

Symbolically slapped in the face for what would be the last time, Logan bit his lip and gave up. "Right. Good luck, buddy."

"You, too. Thanks again, for everything."

"Yeah. You, too."

James held out a hand and Logan shook it, somehow managing a smile. "Try to get out and live a little here and there, okay, Logan?"

"I'll do my best. You got everything?"

"Yeah. Just um..."

"What?"

Looking as if he was struggling with himself, James finally launched himself at Logan to back him up against the car and give him a proper kiss goodbye, Logan clutching James' jacket to keep him there as long as he was able and returning the kiss with feeling. James eventually pulled back, and Logan kept his eyes closed for a few moments, not wanting to let the sensation go just yet.

When he opened them again, James was gone, taking Logan's heart with him.


	18. Chapter 18

Thanks so much for reviewing and letting me know you love the story! Sadly there's no James in this chapter (at least not in person), but he'll be back eventually. ;)

* * *

It was almost nine o'clock on Sunday night when Logan's phone rang, bringing a smile to his face. Glad that his roommate was closeted away in the shower, Logan answered the call and sank onto his bed. "Hey, Kendall."

"Hey. I know you said you'd call, but I need to get to bed in a few minutes and wanted to make sure we talked first."

"Thanks. Sorry I didn't call sooner, I just finished unpacking everything and getting settled in."

"Did you get to explore the area like you wanted to?"

"Yeah. Found all of my classes and checked out the neighborhood. I won't starve, there are a million places to eat around here."

"That's good. Carlos made burgers tonight. The dude loves to cook, who am I to argue?"

"I'd be jealous, but I had a burger for breakfast."

"You? That's not like you at all."

"James wanted it." The pang hit hard when he said the name, Logan wondering if that would ever fade.

"Of course," Kendall laughed. "How's your roommate?"

"He seems okay. I was worried he'd either hate me or be like yours and not respect my space, but he's just quiet enough that I won't go insane. I think he's homesick already, he seems a little down."

"Well, you two can bond over that. Excited to start your classes?"

"Extremely. I plan to be so busy over the next semester that I hardly have time to breathe."

"There's no reason you can't get out once in a while. Remember, you only get to do college once. Enjoy it while you can."

"I know, but I also need to make sure I do well enough that I get a scholarship to med school. That's my priority right now. There will be time to live once I get my degrees and start work in a real hospital."

"Right, because interns aren't busy at all. I'm telling you, Logan, you need to get out and experience life. I expect you to at least have your first kiss by the time you come home next summer."

Guilt washed over Logan. How could he hide things from Kendall, the best friend who'd shared everything with him from the moment they met? It wasn't fair, and Kendall had stood by him in the struggle long enough to deserve to know the steps he'd taken. He never broke a promise, though, and he'd promised James secrecy. "I'll see what I can do," was all Logan said now.

"That's better than an outright denial, I guess. Oh, hang on, Shelly's texting me."

Logan sat up straighter, attention perking up at the words. He'd wondered if there would be any communication at all from James.

"She asked me to pass on a message to you," Kendall continued.

Standing up now because he couldn't sit still, Logan paced the tiny space between the beds. "From James?"

"Yeah. He said to let you know he's fine and very happy. Also that the mane is gone, whatever that means."

"It means he got a haircut," Logan chuckled, sad that he'd missed it and fighting the tears that were suddenly unstoppable. He reached for the tissue box he'd already set near his bed and brushed away the wetness at his cheeks. "Anything else?"

"No, that's it. And you can deny it all you want, but I know you care about him more than you let on. I'm glad you were able to make a friend, Logan."

It was another five seconds before Logan trusted himself to speak. "Not that it did any good, we won't see each other again."

"Still, I'm proud of you. You didn't kill him and you didn't run from him. And you made someone's dream come true, how does that feel?"

"It feels..." Sinking onto the bed again, Logan let out a shaky breath. "Feels good."

"You really miss him, don't you?"

"He's um...kind of unforgettable."

"Yeah, so is Carlos. It's only been two days, but I'm gonna miss the little shit when we move on to the big leagues. Who else is gonna make me waffles for breakfast?"

"Who else is going to save my ass every time I try to lock my keys in the car?" Logan chuckled.

"Seriously? Since when do you do that?"

"Since meeting James, apparently. He's an annoying little shit like Carlos."

"I never said Carlos was annoying. Well...okay, he has his moments."

"Yeah, he's not me," Logan grinned.

"Nope. And James isn't me. That's the only reason I'm not jealous."

"Like I said, James is a thing of the past. Time to focus on my future."

"Alright, then. If you're okay, I'm gonna get some sleep. Big day tomorrow."

"I'm good. Thanks for calling, Kendall. Call anytime, you know I miss you."

"Yeah, I miss you, too. Don't kill yourself before you're thirty."

Reminded of James, Logan smiled. "I'll do my best. Goodnight."

"Night, buddy."

When Logan fell into bed exhausted a few hours later, he pulled the covers up to his chin and curled onto his side, annoyed with himself for being lonely. Even though he'd shared a bed with Kendall more times than he could count over the years, he'd never missed Kendall's presence when it wasn't there. Closing his eyes, he tried to block out the sensations his memory shoved at him now, the feel of a warm body wrapped around him and light kisses to the back of his neck.

" _He said to let you know he's fine and very happy."_

That was what mattered. By this time tomorrow night, Logan would hopefully be bogged down with so much schoolwork that he wouldn't even have time to reminisce about James, though he imagined he'd always miss him.

" _...just hold on to the memories, okay? Don't ever forget me."_

That wouldn't be a problem. Logan also imagined there would be many nights when he'd close his eyes to be tortured with memories of a reckless night in Nevada or a first kiss in South Dakota, or even being dragged out of a bathroom stall and clawing at the most annoying person he'd ever met in an effort to get away. It was said that you never forgot your first kiss, your first sex partner, your first love. James had been all three for Logan.

"Just make something of yourself," Logan whispered in the dark. "Make all of this worth it."

Exhaustion finally took its toll, giving Logan a respite from the memories but only until he slipped into dreams. There he was greeted by dancing eyes and a bright, white smile, and in sleep a matching one formed on his own lips.

* * *

The next month passed in a blur of studies, rushed meals, and moments of sadness that snuck up on Logan when he least expected it. It turned out that his roommate's depression stemmed from a break-up with a girlfriend just before moving to California, and in that they were able to bond. Logan confided only that he too had left behind someone he loved, and that it was proving difficult for him to move on, which prompted his roommate to feel more comfortable talking about his feelings so that Logan became the person Andrew leaned on when the sadness overwhelmed him. While Logan never broke down in front of Andrew or even allowed the full extent of his longing for James to show, he didn't complain when Andrew played sad love songs because he was grieving, too. It seemed every song had been written about him and James, and Logan wondered why it was necessary for fast food restaurants and grocery stores to bombard their customers with music that brought about such intense emotions. He supposed it had to do with the theory that many people binge eat while depressed, especially after a particular song convinced him to add dessert to a meal more than once. He was only grateful that the songs James played in the car weren't current hits, because that would have had him adding ice cream or cake to every meal rather than a few.

It did get easier, though. Nights were still tough, as those were the times Logan wasn't able to keep himself too busy to sink into memories of touches that were hard to forget, but between schoolwork, extra credit activities he threw himself into, and talks with Kendall and Andrew, Logan was able to heal. His mother was the only one constantly pressuring him to meet a girl (though Kendall would occasionally ask if there was someone who piqued his interest), and Logan was able to put off her suggestions with the promise he would keep his eyes open. This was a promise he kept, but not with any real effort; no one compared to James.

The hardest part wasn't even missing James so much as worrying about him. There had been no further word from Shelly, not that Logan had expected there to be, and he couldn't shake the knowledge that James was out there all alone and with no money. Sure, there was the roommate, but he couldn't be expected to take care of James the way Logan did. He hoped that James was at least eating and not degrading himself in order to do it. James had said he didn't intend to get involved with anyone once he moved here, but in James' mind a hook-up wasn't involvement. Hopefully Logan had at the very least convinced James to think before sharing bodily fluids with a complete stranger.

Almost a month to the day Logan had last set eyes on James, his worries were put to rest. Entering the dorm one Friday afternoon with a few letters from home, Andrew tossed a manila envelope down on the desk where Logan was working. "Mail for you."

"For me?" Surprised because the only mail he ever received was from the school or his mother, Logan picked up the thick and overstuffed envelope. There was no return address, just his name with the abbreviation "UCLA" written on the front. "This isn't even addressed or stamped, how did it end up in our box?"

"I don't know. It was there when I opened it."

Logan waited until Andrew was caught up in reading a letter before sliding his finger under the flap, his heart racing. He only knew one person who would address a packet like this, because most would know you couldn't just write a name and a college on the front and expect it to be delivered properly.

 _He was here. There's no other explanation, he dropped this off at the front desk. Please let it be from James please let it be from James please let it be from James..._

Logan's jaw dropped when he peeked in to see that what the envelope was stuffed with was cash. He pawed inside for a letter, hoping there would be something—even just a "From James" written somewhere.

After emptying out half of the contents, Logan came across what he'd been looking for. A simple piece of folded notebook paper fell out, and he opened it with shaking fingers as his heart banged wildly in a way it hadn't in almost a month.

 _Mr. Uptight and Cranky,_

 _You are never gonna believe this. Remember the alpacas? IT WASN'T A SCAM. The guy said it took him forever to find me since I changed my number but he did! Here is all the money I owe you and I have plenty left since I know you worry about that. I'm still fine and still happy and I already booked a few things that start filming next week. I'm so excited! Thanks for believing in me. I hope you aren't afraid now and are living your life._

 _Mr. Perfect Hair and Teeth_

 _P.S. Locked your keys in the car yet?_

Even through the pain that sliced him like a knife, Logan managed to laugh. He wished there was a way to write back, to rub it in that no, he had not once locked his keys in the car. Mostly he wished that the words hadn't so vividly brought to mind those bright eyes and the delicious mouth he'd worked so hard to lock out of his brain over the past month.

Unable to stem the flow of tears, Logan dumped the envelope and its contents in a desk drawer before making his way blindly to the bathroom. Once there he locked the door and stripped, knowing the shower was the only place he could cry freely without Andrew overhearing.

It was as if the time had never passed, Logan feeling James' hands on his body and hearing his whispers in the dark. Tears dried up to be replaced with heat from the water coursing down his body, and before he could talk himself out of it, Logan's hand moved into place to stroke. He hadn't allowed himself that pleasure once since arriving here, not daring to in a place where he could be overheard or walked in on, but this time he couldn't fight the lust brought on by memories James had forced on him. It was quick and silent, Logan sealing his mouth shut so that no cries broke free when he came, but it worked to momentarily satisfy the need that had come over him so suddenly.

"I miss you," Logan whispered into the wall, allowing the tears to come again and not stopping until the water was lukewarm and he was cried out. He felt better for it, though, quickly drying himself off and dressing before stepping out of the bathroom.

Andrew started to speak, then his gaze narrowed. "Are you okay?"

Logan nodded, knowing his eyes were red and puffy and for once not ashamed of it. "You want to get out of here for a while? How about I buy you dinner?'

"Really?" Shocked because Logan rarely wanted to escape campus, Andrew shrugged. "Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"How do you feel about In-N-Out?"

* * *

Halloween was approaching when Logan next heard from James. This time he was the one checking mail, and when he recognized the now-familiar handwriting from the envelope he'd never thrown away, he gasped. Once again, it only said "Logan Mitchell, UCLA."

Glancing at his watch, Logan saw that he had just enough time to make it to the front office before it closed for the day. He sprinted across the campus and arrived out of breath, but wasted no time to recover before asking questions. "Hi," he greeted the blonde faculty member seated behind a high counter. "Were you here when this was delivered?" He held out the envelope, relieved when she laughed.

"Oh, yes. Mr. Flirty dropped that off."

Logan grinned at the nickname, similar to one of those he'd used on James during their brief weekend together. "Yeah, that would be him. Did he say anything?"

"No, just dropped that off and asked me to make sure it got to Logan Mitchell. I'm assuming that's you?"

"Yes."

"He also asked if I remembered his last delivery, and I said yes, because he's not easy to forget. Friend of yours?"

After a brief hesitation, Logan nodded.

"He wanted to make sure you got the last one. I told him I'd delivered it to the mailroom, and that they should have been able to find you."

"They did. Thanks. So...that's it?"

"I'm afraid so. Expecting anything else from him?"

Thinking that for all he knew this could be a plea from James to forget about him, Logan shook his head. "No. I just...how long ago was he here?"

"Sometime this morning. He's a mysterious one, isn't he?"

"He can be," Logan chuckled. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. It's not every day I get hit on by a gorgeous man; send him my way more often."

"Yeah, if I was lucky enough to catch him, I'd pass that on."

It was difficult, but Logan held out until he was alone in the dorm to rip open the envelope. Andrew wasn't due back from class for at least a half hour, giving Logan enough time to cry if he needed to.

This time there was no money, but instead a single sheet of notebook paper wrapped around three photos. Logan's heart stopped when he realized who he was looking at in the photos, his stomach cramping.

 _Hey,_

 _Don't get mad, I didn't know it was where he worked. I was there and saw him and knew it had to be him. He looks so much like you. I asked him if he had any kids and he said he had two daughters. I assume that means you haven't gone to see him yet or at least haven't talked to him. You should. Don't throw away a chance for a real dad. Maybe he's changed._

 _I've been in three commercials and have small parts in two movies coming out next year. I hope you're happy. I miss you._

There was no signature to it, not even initials, but who else would sneak pictures of Logan's father and send them to him?

Settling back on his bed to lean against the wall, Logan studied the photos. His father was beginning to gray and wore glasses, but otherwise resembled Logan very much. James had caught him serving tables, as he was a waiter, but he managed to look classy because he worked in a high-end restaurant near Beverly Hills. Had James moved up that much in a matter of months?

Probably. He was obviously moving full-steam ahead on the career track, and in that industry being seen in the right places was almost as important as the work itself.

Logan hadn't been to visit his father, hadn't even driven by the house. He'd buried himself in schoolwork in an effort to forget about James and hardly given his father a second thought. Of course since James had shoved the man in his face again, though, Logan's curiosity was back. What he wanted most was an explanation—a reason for abandoning a child he'd never given himself a chance to love.

If only James was accessible. Logan didn't think he possessed the courage to approach the man on his own, but with James at his side he might be able to. With James at his side, Logan thought he might be able to do anything.

James never included a return address, though, and had apparently even changed his number after the move to Los Angeles. The point was clear: don't find me.

He had admitted this time that he missed Logan, though; that was new. The rest of the note was a bit on the impersonal side (not even a proper greeting), but he'd stated that he missed Logan, and that was something. Logan imagined it was difficult for the proud lion to admit that.

Laughing at himself for putting any stock in astrology, he ran his fingers over the handwritten note before dropping it into the same desk drawer that still held the one he'd received the previous month. There were no tears this time, and that was an improvement, though the hole in his heart James left behind hadn't shrunk in size at all.

James would be proud of him for visiting his father. He might never know of it, but that wasn't what mattered. Glancing at the clock, Logan calculated that he had at least twenty minutes left to himself. He sent a call through to Kendall, grateful that it was two hours later there and Kendall should be finished with practice.

"Yo, Logan, how's it hanging?"

That wasn't Kendall but Carlos, and Logan grinned at the greeting; he'd grown accustomed to Carlos answering the line off and on when Kendall was in the middle of something. "Hey, Carlos. It's hanging just fine, how are you?"

"Not so great, I'm bored."

"What, Kendall isn't keeping you entertained every second of the day? Shame on him."

"Right? But I sprained my ankle so I'm stuck on the couch while Kendall cooks dinner. I'm trying to coach him from the living room, but he keeps telling me to shut up and let him focus. How rude."

Logan chuckled at the vision, able to picture it because Kendall had sent photos of the apartment and Carlos throughout the previous few months. "Aww, you know it just makes him nervous when you hover."

"But I'm not! He won't let me get off the couch, made me put my foot up and ice it and everything! He says it's what the doctor told him to do, but I think he's lying. Wait, aren't you a doctor? Is that true?"

"I'm a doctor in training, and yes, Carlos. He's exactly right. Are you elevating it, too?"

"Yeah. Damn, I thought he was just trying to get me out of his face for an hour. Then again, you're loyal to him. How do I know you're not lying?"

"Look it up online. I promise he's telling the truth. And it's wrapped, as well?"

"Yes. So how long do I have to live with this torture?"

"I'm assuming a follow-up appointment was scheduled?"

"Yeah, I have to go see the doctor again in a few days to make sure the swelling is down."

"Then at least that long, and the doctor will let you know at that point if you can walk on it."

"So unfair! Kendall, your boyfriend just told me you're not lying! I hate you both!"

"He's not my boyfriend," Logan argued for the twentieth time, hearing an echo of the words through the phone as Kendall yelled the same thing from the kitchen. "Tell him to call me when he's not busy."

"Nah, he's coming, hold on."

After what sounded like a brief scuffle for the phone, Kendall's voice was in Logan's ear. "Hey. Sorry about that, he's really annoying."

"It's okay, I kind of like the guy. Reminds me of James a little bit."

"I can see that. How are you?"

"Good. What's for dinner?"

"Chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. I'm not adventurous like he is."

"Hey, he's just lucky to have a roommate that cooks for him when he's laid up."

"Yeah, I figure he's cooked enough meals for me that it's the least I can do. What a baby when he's injured, though."

"You love it," Logan smiled. "You love having someone to take care of."

"Maybe," Kendall admitted. "What's on your mind?"

"Honestly...James. Do you still talk to Shelly at all?"

"I do sometimes. She got a job at a salon, I'm proud of her. Just as the receptionist, but it's a start. She's saving up for beauty school."

"Is that what she wants to do? No wonder she and James got along so well."

"Yeah, she told me once she liked to style his hair. He has so much of it."

"Not anymore, from the sound of it. I just wondered if she ever...you know. Mentioned him, how he's doing."

"Uh...she didn't talk to him for a long time, I think. He changed his number without telling her, and she was really pissed off about it. Actually asked me if you had his new number and was bummed when I told her you don't. Carlos, sit your ass back down before I knock you back onto the couch. What do you need? Hang on, Logan."

Logan tried to wait patiently, but any news about James was like water while wandering parched in a dry desert.

"Okay, sorry. He was trying to come out here. I'm ready to knock him out with sleeping pills. How much would I put in his food?"

"Don't you dare, Kendall."

"Fine. What were we talking about? Oh, James. He eventually got in touch with Shelly again, said he missed her and was sorry but he'd wanted to cut all ties. Just like you said he would."

"Yeah." It gave Logan a little hope, knowing that because he'd missed Shelly he'd made contact. "You don't have his new number, do you?"

"No, sorry. If you want, I can ask Shelly for-"

"No, it's okay. If he wanted me to have it, he would get in touch. Or...he would leave me a way to contact him."

"I guess. You still worry about him all the time?"

"Not as much, I know he's got money. But I uh...you know."

"Miss him?"

"Yeah. I wanted his advice about something and it sucks that I can't call him."

"Oh. Well, I'm no James Diamond but I've been known to give advice to my best friend on occasion. If you need someone to talk to."

Realizing how that must have sounded to Kendall, Logan winced and closed his eyes. "Sorry, that came out wrong."

"No, it's fine. I just didn't realize I'd been replaced in a matter of two days spent with a random stranger."

"Kendall...it's not like that."

"Aren't you the one who was so worried about me replacing you? What happened?"

"I'm sorry, it isn't that I don't trust your advice. I just...I needed someone to go somewhere with me, and you can't exactly do that from Texas."

"Oh. Well...okay, I guess that makes sense."

"Really, Kendall, if you were here, it would be you going with me. _If_ I go. Which...I probably won't, so I don't even know why I'm bringing it up."

"What's going on? Talk to me, Logan, you've never hidden things from me before."

Once again the guilt was back—he'd hidden important things from Kendall. "Are you busy with dinner? Do you need me to let you go?"

"No, everything's in the oven. You've got twenty minutes to talk, so spill."

"And Carlos? He's not-"

"I put on cartoons for him. The strangest things amuse him."

Logan's heart clenched, the words reminding him yet again of James. "I um...I don't really know how to say this, but...I found my dad."

Dead silence greeted that sentence.

"I feel guilty about it, because I don't want Mom to think she's not enough. But the curiosity, you know?"

"Holy shit, Logan. Does he live out there?"

"Yeah. About twenty minutes away from me."

"Have you talked to him?"

"No. He doesn't even know I'm here, probably doesn't even remember that I exist. But I found him and I'm tempted to go meet him, and I didn't want to go alone."

"What about your roommate? Andrew?"

"He's not...I mean, he's nice enough and all, but he's not someone I want to do something that important with me."

"And James is?" Kendall asked in surprise.

"Yes," Logan replied. "James is."

"You two talked a lot more than I realized if you'd trust him with something like that."

"He's got family issues of his own, he'd understand. Not that you wouldn't, I'm just saying that he's not as superficial as he seems on the surface. And he's local."

"Right, I get that. What advice is it you need?"

"I don't know. You know my background, is this something I should leave alone or look into?"

"Well...that depends on you, Logan. What you want out of it. What all do you know about him?"

"He's married and has two kids. Works as a waiter in a classy restaurant. Seems happy enough with his life, and I don't want to disrupt that."

"I'd say that he disrupted your life plenty by being absent over the past eighteen years."

"True," Logan conceded. "I just want to know why."

"Then ask. You deserve to know that much."

"Do I?"

"Yes. And you don't have to tell your mom if you're not comfortable with that. I don't know how she'd—are you seriously coming in here?! I'm gonna kill you. Hang on, Logan."

Even in the middle of his own crisis, Logan laughed when he heard Carlos yell "Put me down!" It was a few minutes before Kendall returned.

"Sorry about that, the idiot keeps trying to walk on his ankle. I told him, only to the bathroom and his bedroom, nowhere else. I'm worried to leave him tomorrow when I go to practice. I don't trust him, he'll try to hobble down to the rink. You sure I can't slip sleeping pills into his food?"

"Positive. The law won't look kindly on that."

"Maybe I'll tie him up."

"They won't like that, either."

"Any judge would understand after five minutes in his presence. But as for your dad, if you need answers, there's nothing wrong with visiting him. You seem to be better about strangers, though your dad is a different story."

"That's why I wanted James with me. I know if he was here, he'd go along. And he wouldn't let me chicken out."

"Logan, let me ask Shelly for his number."

"No. He doesn't want me to know where he is."

"But why?"

"Who knows how his mind works? He knows how to get in touch with me if he needs to, and he chooses not to other than paying me back the money he owed me."

"Did he really? All of it?"

"Yeah, he did that last month. Dropped it off at the front desk but gave me no return address. He's made it clear, Kendall."

"Well, I'm sorry, dude. If I had his number, I'd give it to you."

"I know. I'd probably not have the guts to call him anyway. Not unless I knew he wanted to hear from me. But thanks."

"For what it's worth, I hope you do it. You'll feel better for it, because I know you and otherwise it'll haunt you all your life."

"Yeah." The door opened behind him, Logan twisting in the chair to wave at Andrew. "I'll let you-"

"What now? You have a drink, I gave you—seriously? You're such a baby. Don't move and I'll bring out more ice. Logan, I'm sorry, I need to-"

"It's fine," Logan smiled, and he meant it. He knew it would be the same if he lived with James, who constantly needed attention, and he didn't begrudge Kendall what he would kill to have for himself. "I'll let you know what I decide."

"Cool. Take care, buddy."

"You, too. Don't kill Carlos, and absolutely no drugging his food."

"Spoilsport. Have a good night."

"I will. Later."

Logan turned again to study Andrew, wondering if maybe he _could_ take his roommate along. It wasn't Kendall, and it most certainly wasn't James, but it was someone who would be a presence.

"Why are you staring me like that?" Andrew asked suspiciously.

"Feel like going out for dinner?"

"Uh oh. Last time you asked me that, you gorged yourself on fattening foods. Are you depressed again?"

"Honestly, no. I just want to have dinner someplace nice and don't want to do it alone. Let me treat you?"

"How nice are we talking?"

"Wear a tie. Or at least a nice shirt."

"Whoa, really?"

"Really. You in?"

"Only if you buy me a steak."

"Done."


	19. Chapter 19

A mile from the restaurant, Andrew's phone rang with a ringtone Logan had never heard before. "Oh my god," Andrew whispered, staring at his phone in shock.

"It's her, isn't it?"

"I haven't talked to her since before I left. Why is she calling me now? I'm finally starting to get over her, why is she doing this now?"

Thinking of James and wondering how he'd feel in that situation, Logan suggested, "Maybe she misses you. Answer it or you'll never know."

The phone continued to ring. "I'm not sure I want to know."

"You'll go crazy wondering, Andrew. Answer it."

When the phone fell silent, Andrew let out a breath. "I'll see if she leaves a voicemail."

She didn't, Andrew deflating a bit as Logan pulled into the line for valet parking.

"I'm sorry," Logan said with heartfelt sympathy. "But she called, that has to mean something."

"I guess. Should I call her or just let it be? She told me it was best we let each other go, but I miss her so much."

"Call her," Logan nodded. "If I could call mine, I would. You're lucky to have that option. Don't waste it."

While Logan was dealing with the valet attendant, Andrew returned the call. They stepped out of the car to cross the lot, and he sighed. "Voicemail."

"I'm sorry. You tried."

"Yeah."

Approaching the entrance, Logan's steps slowed. This was the sort of place that gave him hives, everyone in sight trendily dressed and made up like a fashion model. His chest grew tight, the panic steadily increasing.

What was he doing here? He couldn't sit in a place like this among celebrities and high-powered business types. A glance in the front window showed him the reason he was here, his father smiling at a well-dressed couple while standing next to a table.

Suddenly Logan couldn't breathe, having to put a hand out to lean against a wall, the familiar anxiety kicking in fiercely as if to say "Hello, I know you thought we were done with each other, but I'm back."

"Logan? Are you okay?"

Spinning away from the restaurant, Logan tore his gaze from his father and that helped a slight bit.

"What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"Panic attack," Logan managed, embarrassed by the episode. "Social...anxiety. I..."

"Do you want to leave?" Just then Andrew's phone rang again, Andrew's eyes widening as he reached for it. "Shit. Logan, are you..."

"Answer it. Go, I'll wait here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Just..." Logan waved a hand in dismissal, relieved when Andrew took the call and wandered toward the next restaurant on the block. He didn't feel any less panicked, but at least Andrew wasn't here to witness it.

What had he been thinking? Of course the sight of his father would send him into an attack, and the atmosphere didn't help at all. He was outclassed and alone, about to confront a man who most likely wanted nothing to do with him. Chastising himself for being stupid enough to put himself in this situation, Logan turned to walk in the opposite direction, thinking he'd text Andrew to meet him at the coffee shop across the street whenever he was ready.

He was skirting the corner of the building, eyes glued to the sidewalk, when a hand grabbed his arm in passing.

"Logan?"

And now he was hallucinating. That was a new symptom, but he'd heard it could happen. Telling himself the sound of James' voice was nothing more than his imagination, Logan kept his head down and attempted to move away.

"Logan, wait. Jen, hold on a second. No, actually, you go on. I'll meet you at the bar in a few minutes."

Logan looked up to see James smiling at a perfectly-proportioned blonde with platinum highlights and what had to be fake eyelashes before turning back to him. He blinked a few times, making sure the hallucination didn't disappear, then allowed himself to take in the beauty he'd pushed out of his mind since their last encounter.

James had cut his hair more than a little, so short that his ears were completely revealed. The bangs were swept up off his forehead but a few strands fell forward as if teasing Logan with memories. He was dressed smartly in a deep purple button-up shirt covered by a charcoal-gray blazer, black pants completing the ensemble. Had Logan not looked into his eyes, he might have thought it was a gussied-up clone of James, but the gaze was warm when it settled on him.

"I thought you might end up here tonight," James grinned. "Got my note, I take it?"

"I..."

The dancing hazel eyes darkened as James' eyes narrowed. "Oh, no. You're freaking out. Did you already talk to him?"

"No, I..." The mere thought of it kicked off another attack, Logan desperate to fling himself into James' arms but knowing it wouldn't be the same, not here and not with this James; he'd reinvented himself and left the old James behind at Union Station.

"Shit, come here."

Logan was dragged around the corner and behind the booth the attendants gathered in before he was where he needed to be, where he'd craved to be for almost two months. His face pressed into James' neck while he clutched at the purple shirt, strong arms enfolding him into a tight hug and rocking him slowly in place.

"You're okay," James whispered. "I promise."

And he would be, as long as James didn't let go. The lonely nights seemed unbearable again now that he remembered this feeling. He inhaled the familiar scent of coconut/lime mixed this time with an expensive cologne, his body coming fully awake as it infused his senses.

"I'm proud of you for coming out here, but I'm not letting you leave until you talk to him. Please, Logan, do this for yourself. You won't rest until you do."

"What if he hates me?" Logan murmured. "Hates me for ruining his perfect life?"

"His loss, just like your mom said. But you kept telling me to give my mom a chance because maybe she'd change. I'm doing the same for you."

"But your mom never changed. Or..." Stepping back, Logan glanced up at James. "Did she?"

"No. I'm over it. You still have a chance, though, Logan. Don't waste it."

"I'm scared, I don't know if I can-"

"You _can_. Do you want me to do it with you? I'll go in with you right now and we can talk to him, just ten minutes of his time for him to tell you what you need to know."

"I don't want to interrupt his work, I just...I don't know. I didn't think this through."

"I'm sure he gets a break of some kind. Why don't you ask him when it'll be a good time for you two to talk?" When Logan hesitated, James tilted his chin up. "Come on, let's do this."

"James, wait. You're on a date, I don't want to take you away from that."

"She'll understand. I'll tell her I need five minutes with a friend. If she doesn't like it, she can kiss my ass."

Logan chuckled. "She must not be the mystery girl you've been waiting your whole life to meet."

"Not even close. But she's fun for the night. Come on."

James automatically reached down for Logan's hand, Logan surprised but allowing it, but just before their fingers linked James backtracked, sliding the hand into his pocket instead as if realizing what he was about to do. Logan's heart broke a little, but he kept pace with James until the door was held open for him, causing him to smile at the gesture he'd gotten used to on that road trip that seemed like it was from another lifetime.

Staying a respectable distance away as James approached the blonde at the bar, Logan watched him speak with a sophistication that hadn't been present during the few days they'd spent together. Even the way James stood was different, his posture relaxed but somehow not lazy. James Diamond had done a lot of growing up over the past two months, making Logan feel like a pathetic child next to him once he returned.

"She's fine with it, Logan. Let's go talk to your dad."

"Father," Logan corrected, wondering how James had explained the situation to his date. "Did you tell her what's going on?"

"No, that's between us." Keeping a hand on Logan's shoulder, James steered him toward the host and explained that they needed a word with Jonathan. He passed over a bill to make the request run smoothly, Logan both impressed and irritated by the gesture as it was a reminder that the man standing next to him now wasn't the same annoyingly childish person he'd fallen in love with.

Within minutes Logan's father was approaching them, Logan's chest tightening again until James laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm here," James said softly, and that was enough. Logan inhaled deeply and braced himself to meet the man who had chosen to run away rather than raise him.

"Hello," he said politely, eyes skating over the two of them. "How can I help you?"

When Logan choked, James came to the rescue. "I wonder if we could speak to you outside for a moment."

"Uh...is there a problem?"

"No, not at all," James smiled. "My friend needs to speak to you about a personal matter."

Wishing he'd never come to this place at all (except for the fact that he'd been in James' arms for a brief moment, that much Logan would never regret), Logan fought the instinct to run. It was almost unbearable until James squeezed his shoulder, no doubt sensing the tension rising to a fever pitch.

The dark brown eyes that were a match to Logan's own settled on him long enough to really see him, and then they widened slightly. "Oh." Panic bloomed on Jonathan's face, his breathing stilted when it became obvious that he understood exactly who Logan was.

"Oh great," James muttered under his breath. "It runs in the family. Come on, boys, let's go talk outside."

With a hand on each shoulder, James led Logan and his father out onto the sidewalk, where they almost barreled into Andrew as he was reaching for the door. Confused, he stared at Logan and what must have looked like a tall, graceful god shoving two men out of the restaurant on their ears.

"Logan, what-"

"Andrew, um...can you wait for me in the bar?"

"I...sure. Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'll meet you there in a few minutes."

"Okay." Gaze skittering between James and Logan's father, Andrew turned toward the door under the scrutiny of narrowed hazel eyes that tracked his every move.

"Andrew?" James asked, once he'd disappeared inside.

"Long story," Logan replied.

"Well. Will wonders never cease?" James smirked, calling to Logan's mind his mother and the reason they were standing outside a classy restaurant on a busy street in Los Angeles.

He cleared his throat and faced his father, who looked pale enough to be ill. "Um. Hi."

"Hello."

"I'll let you two-" James started, about to move away when Logan grabbed his elbow.

"No, please, James. Don't." He silently communicated with his eyes that he needed James' strength, and James nodded once but stayed put. "So you know who I am."

"I think so," Jonathan said quietly. "I wondered if this day would ever come."

"I don't want to disrupt your life, I know you have a family now and..." Logan fought the emotions rising, grasping for cold logic to get him through this situation. "I just had a few questions, and I'll leave you to your life."

"I honestly don't know what to say," Jonathan replied. "I have a lot to explain, but I don't know if you want to hear any of it."

"I do," Logan nodded. "I want to hear all of it. And I know this isn't the time, you're working and-"

"I get a dinner break in about an hour. If you can wait that long..."

"Absolutely," Logan agreed eagerly, grateful that the man wasn't blowing him off with resentment. "I was going to have dinner here anyway, so-"

"With _Andrew,_ " James teased, mocking the name, and for just a moment Logan caught a glimpse of the old James, the one who tried to set him up with a waiter before deciding the man had homicidal lips.

"Yes, with Andrew. Anyway, he and I can have dinner and then maybe we can talk?"

"Sure," Jonathan said. "There's a cafe on the corner that makes a great chicken salad, I can eat while-"

James busted up laughing, Logan elbowing him and giving him a withering glare that did nothing to curb his amusement. "Oh, that's hilarious. Of course the man eats chicken salads. I imagine you like fruit with it, too?"

"Sometimes," Jonathan answered slowly, obviously not getting the joke.

"Ignore him," Logan suggested. "I think all that expensive cologne is going to his head. I'll wait for you inside, just let me know when you're free."

"Sounds like a plan," Jonathan smiled, opening the door but turning back. "I don't even know your name."

"Logan. My name is Logan."

"Hi, Logan." He held out a hand. "I'm Jonathan. It's really nice to meet you."

Choked up once again, Logan shook his father's hand and nodded. "Likewise."

In another second they were alone on the sidewalk, James turning Logan to face him and studying his expression. "You okay?"

"Yeah. That was...not at all what I expected."

"I know, you expected him to get all pissed off and say he never wanted to see you again."

"Precisely."

"I told you, Logan. Any parent would be proud of you."

"He doesn't even know me, so that theory holds no water."

"And there's another saying I'll never understand. How can a theory hold water? It's not an object."

Grinning, Logan offered, "If you want, I can think about it and give you a guess about the origins and then you can look it up and get mad because I was right."

"No, thank you, I don't fall for that anymore," James laughed, dragging Logan in for a hug. "God, I've missed you," he whispered.

"I miss you, too. You've grown up a lot."

"Yup. A lot of my stupid went away with the mane I chopped off."

"Aww, don't sell yourself short, James. I'm sure there's plenty of stupid still in there somewhere."

"Shut up," James laughed, hugging Logan tighter. "You look good. Things going okay at school?"

"Yeah. Keeping busy, spending most of my time studying, but I manage to get out for dinner a few nights a week."

"Hmm," James frowned as he stepped back. "With Andrew."

"James, he's my roommate."

"Logan, I thought I told you not to sleep with your roommate because it gets messy."

"We're not sleeping together!"

"Yet. It's only been a few months, though, we know it takes longer than that for someone to win a Taurus over."

"Only took you two days," Logan pointed out.

"Well, yes, but some of us are just that good."

Logan rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. "Still so full of yourself."

"Still so gorgeous."

For a second, Logan thought James was referring to himself, but the heated look in his eyes was enough to convince Logan the compliment had been aimed at him. Slightly breathless, he stepped closer to James. "Are you busy later?"

James hesitated, just long enough that Logan knew he was debating his answer. "I am, actually. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Logan replied, face reddening. Feeling foolish, he added, "You should get back in there with your date."

"You, too. I'm glad you talked to your dad, though. You needed to do this."

"I did. Thank you for the tip, James."

"I didn't do anything, you knew where he worked already."

"Yes, but if I hadn't gotten that note from you today, I wouldn't be here right now."

"Glad I could help."

The moment turned awkward, Logan wanting to say so many things but knowing better than to voice his thoughts. A couple stepped up to the door, James moving Logan out of the way so they could enter the restaurant, then holding the door open for Logan, who forced himself to walk in.

"I do like the new hair," he said in passing.

"Yeah?" James beamed, Logan spinning back just in time to catch the primping he'd come to know well. "Not too short?"

"It might be without all this on the top," Logan answered, lifting a hand to run through the glossy strands, "but the hint of bangs here softens the look. Mature while still retaining a sense of youth."

"Exactly what I was going for," James grinned, the smile dying when he spied something over Logan's shoulder. "Your date's looking for you."

"James, I already told you, he's not-"

"Not my business. Who you kiss is no longer a concern of mine."

The words cut deeply, as only words spoken by James Diamond could. "Well, have a good night, James. Thanks for helping me through that."

"If you need me, I'll come night or day," James pulled him close to whisper, Logan immediately recognizing the line from the song that had seduced him somewhere on a highway in Nevada. Logan's fingers clutched at the purple shirt again, face pressing into a hard chest.

A female voice broke into the moment. "James, are you ready? If I drink another of these margaritas you'll have to carry me home."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," James joked above Logan's head, voice smooth and flirty and breaking Logan's heart in the process. He stepped back abruptly, bracing himself before spinning away from James without a second glance.

"Andrew, hey. Let's go have dinner."

"Finally! I have so much to tell you!"

Logan nodded, hoping it was good news about the ex-girlfriend, and purposely slid an arm around Andrew's waist. He felt James' eyes on them as they approached the host, but as James had so succinctly put it, who Logan kissed was no longer a concern of his.

* * *

The next hour with Andrew was torture, not because he was a horrible dinner companion but because James and his date were seated so that Logan had a perfect view of his back and it was a constant struggle to keep his eyes from straying to the sculpted hair and broad shoulders his hands knew so well. It didn't help that Andrew spent most of the meal discussing the good news that his girlfriend had reconsidered the break-up and was flying out to visit this weekend so they could discuss a second chance. While Logan was happy for Andrew, he was also extremely jealous; the misery of having to witness James flirting his way through dinner only made it harder to listen to with a smile.

When asked, Logan told Andrew the truth: the waiter outside with him was his father, who he'd never met before this evening, and James a friend. It was easiest to describe James in those words, because trying to explain what they really were to each other made him sad. He thought that he could at least still count James a friend, based on the evening's events, but of course James had been so much more than that just a few short months ago.

Knowing Andrew was anxious to call his girlfriend again, Logan paid for a cab to take him back to the dorm while he waited for his father's lunch break. It was a short wait once Andrew left, Logan taking care of the bill and standing to follow his father out of the restaurant, allowing himself only one quick glance back at James before stepping out of view; James was laughing with the blonde, who was everything Logan could never be, and Logan hated that this sight would now replace his previous last vision of James. He preferred to remember James kissing him passionately outside a station instead of talking up some sophisticated slightly older woman who wanted only to get in his pants. Did that woman know the pain James had suffered? Had that woman held James as he cried? Had anyone?

It didn't matter, because James had said goodbye to the crass young man who had just graduated to adulthood and celebrated it with a naive and socially awkward med student. That young man lived on only in Logan's memory ( _It can be the best thought you'll ever have in your life_ ) and when Logan laid in bed at night missing him ( _It can be sexual, but it will never make you happy_ ).

Once again mentally saying goodbye to the only person who had ever made him feel alive, Logan walked out of the restaurant with his hands in his pockets and his head down.

"I know this is awkward, Logan," Jonathan said. "But it will hopefully only be awkward the first time."

Smiling because it sounded as if his father hoped to see him again, Logan replied, "It's not you. I'm dealing with heartbreak as well, so...it's been a crazy night."

"I'm sorry. If you need to talk-"

"No, it's best I don't. I just need to move on. But thank you for the offer."

Jonathan nodded, unaware that he and Logan could have been twins from the back as they ambled down the sidewalk together. "The young man you had dinner with?"

"What? Oh, no. No, he's my roommate. I go to UCLA."

"That's great!" Jonathan smiled, pride evident in the reaction. "What's your major?"

"Medicine. I'm going to be a doctor. Mom was in a really bad accident when I was a kid, and ever since then I've wanted to heal people the way her doctor did."

"Is she...so she recovered?"

"Yeah. It was a struggle for her, but she's good now."

"Does she still bake up a storm?"

"Yes," Logan laughed, halting to open the door for his father. "She did that for you?"

"I fell in love with her chocolate chip cookies first," Jonathan admitted. "We were home ec partners."

"I never knew that!"

"I don't imagine she ever talks about me."

"No. She put it behind her and moved on."

Jonathan nodded slowly. "That's what I was hoping for when I left."

They stepped up to the counter and ordered coffee, taking a table near the door before Jonathan continued. "I assume you have a lot of questions."

"Honestly, I only have one."

"You want to know why."

Logan nodded, gathering his courage to say, "I think I deserve that."

"You do. You deserve more than I can give you. More than I could have given you back then."

"Don't tell me it was for my own good." Logan shook his head. "That's a cop-out. Unless you were a drug addict or something worse, you couldn't have damaged me."

"No, I was none of those things," Jonathan sighed. "I was a coward."

Logan blinked, having expected a thousand excuses. "A coward?"

"It's not something I'm proud of," he said softly. "I used to be a nervous sort, would worry about things all the time, even about things that might happen but probably wouldn't. I had panic attacks over the smallest things. Your mom was one of the few people who loved me anyway."

Chills ran through Logan, making him shiver once. "Panic attacks?" he echoed weakly.

"I know it sounds silly, but back then I was insecure and had no faith in myself. I was afraid of everything, afraid to live. And when your mother told me she was pregnant...I couldn't face it. I ran. I ran away because all I could think about was what a failure of a father I would be if I couldn't even take care of myself."

"Oh my god," Logan whispered, barely noticing Jonathan standing to pick up their drinks from the counter. He was stunned, mostly because he couldn't be angry at his father for something he identified with so completely. "You were afraid to live," he confirmed when Jonathan returned. "You ran."

"There's nothing I can say that will make up for the last eighteen years, Logan. I've assumed all this time that you hate me, so if that's the case now, it's what I have to live with. I wanted so many times to find you but I couldn't face you, I couldn't face the shame. I certainly couldn't face your mother. She was the first person to accept me as I am, to see through the scared little boy to the man I would become, and I repaid her by leaving her to raise a child on her own. It's the one thing in my life I regret, but I could never convince myself that you would be better with me around. What kind of father would I have been?"

Head swimming, Logan suggested, "The kind of father you are to your other kids? You would've learned, you would've-"

"I know that now. By the time I grew up enough to realize it, though...it was too late. There's no way to make up for what I put you both through."

Logan sighed heavily, rubbing a hand over his face before sipping at the coffee.

"I know you're angry."

"You know...I wish I could be."

"You're not?" Jonathan asked in surprise.

"How can I be? I'm your son. More so than I ever knew."

"What do you mean?"

"I always thought my panic attacks and fear of new things were because of Mom's near-death experience. And I'm sure that played into it, but...I come by it honestly. It's crippling, this anxiety."

"Oh, no. That's one thing I never wanted to pass on to my child."

"I think if I'm mad about one thing in all of this, it's that you didn't stick around to teach me how to live with it—to explain to me that I'm not a freak, that it gets better. Instead I had to wait eighteen years for that, to find someone who showed me I can be normal."

"Logan, I'm so sorry."

"It's...I never thought I'd say this, but...it's okay. I understand. I can't hate you for doing what I might have done in the same situation."

"I don't think you would have. From what I can see, you're a much stronger man than I was at your age."

"I wasn't three months ago. How old were you when Mom got pregnant?"

"Seventeen. I was just about to graduate high school, had a scholarship set up and everything."

"Yet you're a waiter."

"I ran, Logan. From everything. Disappeared and started a new life out here. While it's nothing like the life I had so carefully planned out, I can honestly say I'm happy, except for that one regret that I expected to always have. I have two daughters now, and a wife, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I know how that must hurt, and I'm sorry, but it's a good life. All that was missing was that piece of my heart that regretted not watching my first child grow up. I can never get that back."

"No," Logan agreed with a shake of his head. "You can't. But...I'm here for at least the next six years, until I get through med school. It would be a shame to miss out on a second chance, if you'd like to get to know me. If not...well, you've got a life here and so do I. We can go on living as if this night never happened. I meant what I said, I don't want to disrupt your life."

"She knows about you," Jonathan said softly. "My wife. She's been trying to talk me into finding you for years, knows how much it killed me that I never even saw you."

When his eyes glistened and he started to blink rapidly, Logan stood to pull him into a hug that was returned fiercely. "I never used to be able to hug people," Logan commented, choking up slightly. "Guess I get that from you."

"Who knew that was hereditary?" he chuckled. "I'm sorry, Logan. I'm sorry for abandoning you and your mother, and all of the pain I caused you both over the years."

"Then make it right. Be a dad to me."

"I don't even know how to start doing that, but I'm willing to learn if you are."

"We'll figure it out together," Logan promised, stepping back as they both reached for napkins to wipe their eyes. "Never used to cry, either."

"What changed? You said you met someone who showed you how to be normal?"

"Yeah, that's a story for another day. You probably have to get back, did you get anything to eat?"

"I was going to get a salad and forgot. I have time, though, unless you need to get back?"

"No, I can stay out. If you don't mind company."

"Of course not. I'll be right back."

Logan sat alone at the table drinking his coffee, overwhelmed with the emotional upheaval he'd been through tonight. When he'd rolled out of bed that morning, he'd had no idea that he would not only be hearing from James, but see him and meet his father as well. As usual, James had dropped into his life to turn it upside down in a matter of hours.

His father returned with a packaged salad, bringing a smirk to Logan's lips before it died as he again thought of James. "Penny for your thoughts," Jonathan said, blanching when Logan's face screwed up in pain. "Logan, are you okay?"

"Fine. Sorry, it's just...everything seems to be reminding me of..."

"The heartbreaker? The one who showed you how to live?"

Logan nodded, eyes downcast as he fought back sadness. "Like I said, it's been a crazy night."

Jonathan picked at his salad, hesitating but finally taking a stab in the dark. "So, at the risk of butting into your business, can I ask if it's the handsome young man you couldn't take your eyes off of during dinner? The one with you when we met?"

"Why would you think that?" Logan asked, surprised because he'd never imagined himself giving off gay vibes.

"A father knows these things," Jonathan smiled. "I saw the way you watched him. What you missed was the time he escaped to the restroom."

"No, I saw that. He was gone a while."

"Right, but what you didn't see was him standing behind a plant near the bathrooms so he could watch you."

Logan's head shot up, eyes wide. "He what?"

Jonathan nodded, swallowing and wiping his mouth with a napkin before continuing. "I got the feeling he was gauging how your meal was going, curious to see if any sparks were flying. That's why I originally assumed it was a date you were on."

"It wasn't, I only went there tonight to meet you."

"Why did your friend go?"

"He had a date."

"Didn't know you'd be there?"

"No, before tonight I hadn't talked to him in months. I mean, it's true he was the one that reminded me you worked there, but..."

 _I thought you might end up here tonight._

Logan trailed off, gaze turning to the window as if James would be outside staring in at him. There was nothing but traffic on a busy street and a few couples making their way along the sidewalk.

"Look, Logan, I don't know what passed between you two and I don't know where you stand now, but I'm an outsider who witnessed both of you obviously wishing you were dining with each other. That has to stand for something, doesn't it?"

"He doesn't want anything to do with me, Dad."

The title surprised them both once it escaped from Logan's lips, two sets of wide brown eyes staring at each other in shock.

"Sorry, it just slipped out. If that's too much-"

"Why would it be? It's what I am. Or what I'd like to be."

For the first time feeling like he wasn't alone in this new city, Logan nodded. "I'd like that, too. I don't know how Mom's going to feel about it, but it's what I want."

"Don't expect your mother to forgive me as easily as you did, Logan."

"I don't. That's between the two of you. But you and I are good."

"That's what's most important to me." Glancing at his watch, Jonathan shoveled in one last bite while Logan finished up his coffee.

"You need to get back?"

"I do. Thank you for coming out to find me. My wife will be relieved when I tell her about tonight."

"I'm glad. Do you um...this may sound weird, but do you have any pictures of them?"

"Of course. You really want to see them?"

Logan had seen pictures on his father's social media page, but it was different in person. "Yeah. Tell me a little about them."

Pulling out his phone, Jonathan shared a few recent photos he'd taken of his girls, who were thirteen and eight, as well as his wife and the family pets. It was a reminder of the life Logan had missed out on, but he suffered no will ill when he saw the happiness in the little girls' eyes; everything had worked out this way for a reason.

"What about you?" Jonathan asked. "Any recent pictures of your mother?"

"Some from over the summer, but nothing more recent than that." He opened the photo section of his phone, scrolling until he found pictures of his mother, also showing off Kendall and his family and explaining that in a way, they were all one big family. He proudly told his father that Kendall had been accepted into the National Hockey League and would be moving up to the main team soon enough.

He was about to put his phone away when his father leaned closer to it. "Is that...that's not him, is it? The one from the restaurant?"

Logan glanced down to see the picture he'd taken of James in front of the sushi place in Rock Springs. "Oh. Yeah. That was a long time ago."

"I can tell by his hair. Hardly looks like the same person."

"Yeah." Before he could stop himself, he pressed play on the video of James being presented with birthday cake and ice cream while the staff sang to him. He purposely hadn't watched it since parting ways with James, and while it hurt to see it now, it also made him smile as his heart warmed.

"He looks so happy," his father commented. "Shocked, but very happy."

"He was," Logan said softly, and now the tears were crowding in. "I miss him." He abruptly shut off the video, shaking the sadness off. "That's enough of that. It's a moment in time I'll never get back, and it needs to stay in the past. Let's get out of here."

Jonathan didn't argue, helping Logan clear up their trash before they emerged onto the sidewalk again.

"You know, Logan, it's not my business, but I'd hate to see you make the same mistake I did at your age."

"What's that?"

"Leaving behind the one person who loves you in spite of your weaknesses."

"It wasn't my choice, Dad."

"That doesn't mean you can't change his mind or fight for him."

"There's no room for me in his life. And honestly, no room for him in mine."

"What, you can't take one day a week away from your studies to spend with him?"

"He's busy, and obviously interested in dating women who aren't me."

"I'm telling you, Logan, the way he was watching you tonight...there's no way he doesn't have feelings for you."

"He has a funny way of showing it."

"Maybe he likes the chase. Maybe he only paraded that woman in front of you hoping for a reaction."

Logan chuckled. "What's crazy is that I can actually see him doing something like that, at least the old James. The new one...no. He has his reasons for dating women like that."

"Doesn't mean he isn't bored by them. I bet you kept him on his toes."

"I was certainly a challenge, that's for sure."

"Some men like a challenge. Not you or I, of course, but we're not like everyone else."

Halting in front of the restaurant's door, Logan suddenly turned to his father. "Just out of curiosity, what sign are you?"

"What sign? Astrological?"

"Yeah."

"I'm a Taurus. You?"

Shaking his head in amusement, Logan smirked. "Same. And I really hate it when James is right."

He opened the door to usher his father in, hugging him before exchanging phone numbers and promising they'd get together over the weekend when they could find time. Hugging Logan one last time, Jonathan whispered, "Don't look now, but someone waited around for you."

Logan froze, not following his father's gaze but keeping his back to the bar area. "He's here?"

"Getting up now, most likely to come talk to you. Don't let him go, Logan." Louder, he said, "Have a good night. Call me."

"I will, Dad. Thanks."

"It was nice meeting you, James," Jonathan commented, quietly enough that Logan knew James must be standing directly behind him.

"You, too, Jonathan. Goodnight."

Logan braced himself just before a large hand fell gently on his shoulder, then the voice that echoed in his mind almost incessantly spoke. "Dad? He's earned the title?"

"Guess so. He's willing to try, and that's enough for me." Why did James always have to stand so close? "You're not using a fake I.D., are you?"

"Logan, would I do that?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Yes."

"Except that I don't drink at all, or did you forget already?"

"I still wouldn't put it past you. Where's your date?"

"I'm meeting her later at her place. I had to prove you wrong before I left."

"Prove me wrong?" Logan finally spun around to face James and knew it was a mistake the second he looked into those dancing hazel eyes that forced his lips into a smile. "About what?"

"That whole theory holding water thing. I looked up the original meaning, so take your best shot. I can't wait to tell you how wrong you are."

"I can't believe you take such joy in that."

"It's the little things, Logan." He led Logan to the door and out into the night before continuing. "Okay, go for it. What's your guess?"

"Well," Logan began, honestly considering it. "I would guess that it has to do with scientific experiments. Because with each one you have to postulate a hypothesis, and I imagine whatever this saying is referencing had to do with a theory that something would be able to hold water. Literally."

James nodded slowly, as if taking the idea into consideration, then suddenly yelled, "BAM! SO WRONG!"

"Really?" Logan mused. "Am I that far off?"

"Well, I have to admit that I couldn't find any for-sure explanations of where it came from. But everything I did find suggested it had to do with boats."

"Boats?" Logan echoed.

"Yeah. Like boats holding water. Because it isn't just theories that don't hold water. Ideas, explanations, definitions...you can use the saying with those, too, not just with theories."

"Well, okay then. James Diamond gets one over on Logan Mitchell. Let this day go down in the record books."

"Oh, it already has," James grinned.

Logan handed his ticket to the valet attendant, then turned back to James. "Why did you really wait for me?"

Surprised by the question, James debated before answering honestly. "I was worried about you. Wanted to make sure you weren't upset after talking to your dad."

Logan nodded, hands in his pockets. "Thanks. That means a lot."

"Hey, old habits die hard. I know you still worry about me."

"I do," Logan admitted. "And for your information, I haven't locked my keys in the car once since leaving you. I think you were just a distraction."

"Can't argue that," James winked. "It's what I do best. So things are okay with your dad? You're gonna see him again?"

"Yeah. We'll see what happens. What's up with you? You didn't share much in your note today."

"Oh, well...things are good. Booked a few more movie roles, and even a recurring part on a television show."

"Really? James, that's great!"

"Right?! I know you said there'd be setbacks, and there have been a few, I mean I don't get every role I audition for, but the more stuff I do, the more experience I get and the more my face gets out there."

"Exactly. I knew you'd work hard. I knew you'd do this, James."

"You did. You really did."

Logan nodded. "I'm so proud of you."

"Enough about me. Kissed any hot young studs at the university?"

"No," Logan blushed. "You know me, too busy studying to look around at hot young studs. Or fillies."

James chuckled at the word. "Don't kill yourself over school. I'm glad you have your dad now, he'll give you something outside of classes to do. Though you should still try dating a little. It won't kill you."

"It might, if they have herpes," Logan joked. "I take it you've gotten over that fear and are kissing freely."

James shrugged, avoiding Logan's gaze. "I'm at least a _little_ more careful."

"That's something, I guess."

"Grades good? Still keeping that edge?"

"I am, actually. Oh, this is my car."

"You say that like I didn't spend almost three days in it. I'd know this car a mile away, Logan." James patted the roof as if greeting an old friend. "I bet she misses me."

"Thanks," Logan said to the attendant, passing over a tip before turning back to James. "I bet she does. You should let me take you home, just for old time's sake."

"Except that I'm not going home," James reminded him.

"Right." Logan wondered how he'd actually forgotten that over the last few minutes. It had felt too much like the past, like a time he was desperate to relive. "How are you getting there?"

"I'll call a cab."

"James, really. Let me drop you off at-"

"Logan, we're not going through this again. Let me go."

As if the words were a slap in the face, Logan's head rocked back for a second. He stepped past James to skirt the front of the car, aware of the nearby valet employees and embarrassed by the harsh words.

"Logan, wait, I didn't mean-"

"Goodnight, James. Have a nice life."

Logan closed himself into the car, buckling up and hearing the locks engage. He was about to pull away when he heard the passenger door handle lift futilely.

"Logan, come on!" James yelled through the window. "Open the door!"

And wasn't this familiar? Giving into temptation, Logan unlocked the door only to lock it again just before James tried to open it.

"Are you kidding me?!"

When James peeked in through the window, Logan stuck his tongue out. As hurt as he was, he was alive and having fun again, and it had been too long.

"Oh, that is it! Open the damn door!" When Logan flipped the locks and then locked them again, James yelled, "I know where you live! I'll find you!"

Logan lowered the window a crack. "Promise?"

It had been meant as a joke, but his voice broke on the second syllable so that James sighed. "Open the door," he said softly, and this time Logan did.


	20. Chapter 20

Logan drove aimlessly for a few blocks, afraid to break the silence and force James to give him a destination because he never thought he'd have James in his car again and wanted it to last.

"I'm sorry, Logan, that's not how I meant that."

"It doesn't matter. Where am I taking you?"

"Home."

"Home? I thought you were going to-"

"I was. I just...can't handle her tonight."

"I'm sorry if I ruined anything."

"You didn't. The truth is I'm tired and she's boring and all I want to do is go home and sleep."

Logan nodded. "Why are you dating her, then?" When James didn't answer, Logan asked, "Is she on your way to the top?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"James, are you really okay? You're not lying to me, are you? About being happy?"

"You'd see right through me if I lied, Logan."

"This is true."

"I am happy, this is the life I've always wanted."

"I'm glad. You just..."

"What?"

"You've changed so much. I hardly recognize you anymore."

"Well, that was the goal, remember? To leave all that behind?"

"Yeah, but that's the James I spent three days with. I said goodbye to him and I knew I'd never see him again, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him."

"You know, Logan, the truth is sometimes I miss him, too."

"Yeah?" Logan asked, glancing over at James.

"Yeah."

Letting that sink in and feeling the sadness from across the car, Logan suggested, "If you're not too tired for one quick stop, I know something that will cheer you up."

James quirked an eyebrow. "Think so?"

"I know so. I'd take you through In-N-Out, but I'm assuming you're not hungry enough for that."

"Also trying to watch what I eat now."

"Oh. Well, that ruins my plan."

After a few seconds, James said, "Logan? I'll eat anything you put in my face."

Logan grinned, taking a hand off the wheel and reaching out, rightness settling over him when James linked their fingers and squeezed.

"Cold Stone it is, then."

"Cold Stone?" James echoed. "You mean like...ice cream?"

Glancing over long enough to see that James' face was lit up with that bright smile, Logan chuckled. It was good to have his James back, even if only for a short time.

* * *

Logan chose the Santa Monica location, as it was a longer drive but not far enough that James might be suspicious of his motives. James spent the first five minutes staring out the window, as was his custom, until Logan said, "Penny for your thoughts."

As he'd hoped, James cracked up and the somber mood dissipated. "I'd forgotten about that."

"Yeah, Dad used that on me tonight, and I thought of you."

"So when are you gonna say it?" James asked, squeezing Logan's hand once.

"Say what?"

"Actually, let me do it for you. James, you were totally right. I should've gone to see my dad weeks ago and I'm so glad you talked me into it."

Logan's lips twitched. "James, you were totally right. I should've gone to see my dad weeks ago and I'm so glad you talked me into it."

"Damn, it feels good to hear you say I was right for once."

"You act like I never agreed with anything you said," Logan complained, and when all James did was raise an eyebrow at him, he shrugged. "Okay, so maybe I argued with you on a few points."

"Try every time I opened my mouth."

"That's a two-way street. You argued with me, too."

"I don't deny that," James admitted. "But you were the one who was usually right, so...it's nice for the shoe to be on the other foot, so to speak."

"Don't even ask, I'm not looking up the origin of that saying."

James laughed, the sound warm and inviting in the small space. "You're not mad at him, though. I kind of expected you to be."

"My dad?" Logan sighed, wondering how to explain the situation and then realizing that if anyone would understand it, James would. "Turns out he's me in twenty years."

"Logan, you're not gonna be a waiter."

"No, I mean that he has anxiety issues, too. Or did. Imagine me suddenly finding out I was going to be a father—not the current me, but the pre-James me."

"Oh yeah, _that_ you would've had a nervous breakdown."

"This me might still, but I'm a lot better now about taking things as they come rather than trying to plan for every second."

"You're welcome."

Logan smiled, unable to deny that James had a hand in that. "He was seventeen and just like me with the anxiety. When Mom told him, he had a breakdown. Ran away from her and me and everyone else, started over in a place where no one knew him. That part sounds familiar to you, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess. I didn't leave behind a child, though."

"No, you didn't. You wouldn't, would you?"

"Not even if someone paid me a million dollars."

"Yeah." Tightening his grip on James, Logan added, "That's one of the things I respect most about you; you care about children."

"It's not like they can take care of themselves," James reasoned. "Someone has to."

"But not everyone would."

"You would. You'd be scared out of your mind and want to run, but if it was your kid, you'd face it."

"Not so sure I would've alone, but he didn't. And even though I'm disappointed in that, I can't hate him for it because I get it. He seems to honestly regret missing out on my childhood."

"Yet he's a good dad to his daughters."

"How do you know that?" Logan wondered.

"I could tell when I asked him about kids last night. He was so proud of his little girls."

"Yeah. I saw pictures tonight, and they seem really happy."

"Does that bother you?"

About to answer immediately that it didn't, Logan hesitated and honestly considered the matter. Finally he shook his head. "It doesn't, because he learned from his mistake. He stopped running."

A thumb began to trace circles over Logan's palm, warmth radiating from the contact point. "So did you. Eventually."

"That's only because someone caught me and didn't let me get away," Logan said lightly, hoping James would say something to confirm that would always be the case, but James lapsed into silence and once again turned his focus to the scenery. The thumb didn't stop moving, though, Logan grateful that James at least seemed to remember he was here. After a few minutes of quiet had passed, Logan squeezed his hand. "So tell me about these roles you've been getting."

"Oh! Well, like I said in my note, they're nothing huge."

"That's okay, you can't expect to be a big star overnight."

"I wanted to, though," James sighed.

"Yes, I know. But even for those as pretty as you, it takes time."

"I hate it when things take time. I don't want to wait."

"Just think about how much better it'll be for the wait, though. Think about how much you'll learn in the meantime, all the people you'll meet and the connections you'll make. Enjoy the ride because even though the destination is your goal, you can't ever get back the journey to get there."

James' head swiveled to stare at Logan as if he knew there was an underlying meaning to those words. "Since when do you just enjoy the ride?"

"I don't know. I guess since you showed me how."

James nodded slowly. "Well, you're welcome."

When James offered nothing more, Logan prodded, "So, these roles? Will I actually get to see you act at some point?"

"Oh, right. The movies aren't anything major, just little independent things. And the parts are small."

"Small as in you're an extra?"

"Only in one of them. In the others I actually have speaking parts, which is a step. I don't say much, but it's something, right?"

"Absolutely. Do your characters have names?"

"In the T.V. shows, they do. I'm excited because the one that I have a recurring role in might end up being a hit. It's a brand new show that hasn't aired yet, but...you know. It could happen."

"It could," Logan smiled, in love with the joy he heard behind the words; James was doing what he loved. "What's your name in that show?"

"Tony. Do I look like a Tony to you?"

Logan stopped at a red light and turned to study James. "I guess you could."

"Wait, let me do the voice." Clearing his throat first, James affected an accent that was an odd blend of Italian and surfer. "Tony Romano, at your service."

"Okay, yeah, I can totally see it now," Logan laughed. "What's Tony Romano like?"

"He's a ladies' man. Always hitting on the star of the show, who lives across the hall."

"Oh, so basically he's you."

"Hey, I have some standards, remember?"

"Sure you do," Logan soothed, putting the car in motion again. "You love your blondes with big breasts and tiny waists. Bonus if they're petite enough to make you feel like a protector."

"Wow, Logan, really?" James slipped his hand out of Logan's grip, crossing his arms over his chest. "You think I'm that shallow?"

"I'm only telling you what I repeatedly saw on our road trip. And since your date tonight...Jennifer, was it? Since she fits that profile, I can't fault my logic." He pulled into a small parking lot, searching for a spot and lucky to come upon another car backing out.

"Oh, like you don't have a type?"

"Me? What are you talking about, I've never even been on a date."

"Don't think I didn't notice that Andrew looks like Kendall."

"Andrew? My roommate? James, he looks nothing like Kendall."

"No? So he doesn't have blond hair and green eyes? He isn't tall and thin?"

"He..." Logan frowned, calling Andrew to mind. "Actually, I think his eyes are blue, though I wouldn't bet money on that."

"They're not; they're light green. How do you live with that guy and not even notice that?"

"How do you see him once in passing and notice more than I ever did?"

"Don't try to shift the focus to me. Admit that you have a type."

"James, I don't. I don't even look at guys." Referring to the driver of the car he was waiting on, Logan asked, "Come on, are you staying or leaving? Any day now."

"What about Todd?"

"Todd? You mean that waiter in South Dakota?"

"Yes, I mean that waiter in South Dakota. The one you almost slipped your number to for a night of wild sex."

"Oh my god, James, I hadn't even been kissed yet at that point. I would never have engaged in sex of any kind with a stranger."

"You were thinking about kissing him. I know you were."

"Well, yes, because you wouldn't shut up about it. All I heard about during dinner was how I should flirt with him and try to meet up later for...who knows what. That was all you, James, you pushed me into that." Logan finally slipped into the space and shut off the car.

"Like you didn't want it?"

"Honestly, I didn't. I was scared and even though I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss someone, I don't think I could've gone through with it."

"You did with me."

Frustrated that James couldn't see what was right in front of his face, Logan snapped, "And maybe that's something you should think about. Maybe you should consider the fact that the only person to ever catch my eye on campus is a tall, strong guy in my English class with brown eyes and long dark hair, one that wears a black leather jacket every day. Because if I have any kind of type, that would be it."

Ignoring the shock his words resulted in, Logan stepped out of the car and slammed the door, making it five steps before realizing what he'd done. His shoulders slumped as he spun back toward the car to find James dangling the keys from one hand. Without making the snide comment Logan was waiting for, James tossed them over the roof to Logan and then skirted the hood to catch up.

"It's only because you pissed me off," Logan said sullenly.

"Can't help it. I'm a distraction."

"That you are."

Once Logan shoved the keys into his pocket, James claimed the empty hand with his own as they walked. "Your type...he's just a memory now."

Logan nodded, wanting to rage at James for reminding him of a truth he'd lived with in agony for two months.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, there's always the guy in my English class, right?"

James' grip tightened until it was painful, but loosened when James used his other hand to catch the door for Logan. They stepped to the back of the line, James letting go to place his hands on Logan's shoulders instead. "So no feelings at all for Andrew?"

"No, James. His ex-girlfriend's flying out to visit this weekend so they can talk about getting back together."

"Oh."

"Yeah." When James' fingers began to massage his shoulders, Logan asked, "What are you doing?"

"You're tense."

"Wonder why." He allowed the gentle massaging motions, though, knowing it was a mistake when James' thumbs worked into his neck but unable to stop it because he'd missed the touch so much.

James leaned down to speak into his ear. "Know what you want?"

Logan's eyes fell closed, his mind torn between fond memories of a similar moment in Barstow and the pain he'd suffered there knowing it would be over soon. "I think I'm going with the peanut butter cup thing."

"Chocolate and peanut butter?" James smirked. "Always got orgasm on the brain," he teased.

"Shut up," Logan chuckled, the digging fingers relaxing him. "Not my fault you keep touching my neck."

"Damn, thought I was being sneaky with that."

"I know all your tricks, James Diamond."

"Hey, it worked once."

"I'm smart like my dad. I learn from my mistakes."

The fingers froze before James' hands dropped away and he stepped back. Knowing how that must have come off, Logan opened his mouth to assure James that he had no regrets, but then it was their turn to approach the counter.

Logan placed his order, dragging James closer. "Should I assume you want the same thing?"

"I _was_ going to get that, but if I get something else, we can share."

Grinning because he'd secretly predicted that, Logan suggested, "Get something with strawberry."

"No, that's your thing. I think I'll have..." Letting his gaze roam over the menu, James nodded. "I want the cheesecake thing. I'll even toss in a few strawberries to make it semi-healthy."

"Sure, that's why," Logan laughed, relaying James' order to the clerk. When he tilted his head back to look up at James, James smiled down at him and he wished the moment could stretch out between them for an hour, if not years. It had been months since he'd felt like this, the elation of James' proximity making him giddy. Logan wasn't sure when James' arms had fastened around his waist, but he tightened his own around them to let James know he didn't mind it at all. If he lifted up onto his toes just a bit, he'd be able to kiss James, and the temptation was heavy enough that he started to but the moment was broken by the clerk's announcement of their total.

Feeling a fool for letting himself get so caught up in the moment, Logan moved closer to the counter and away from James, reaching into his pocket but James beat him to it, handing over a bill that was enough to cover both treats.

"James, you don't have to pay for me."

"Please, you paid for me plenty."

"But you paid me back."

"So? Let me treat you for once. Too late anyway, she already took my money."

"Fine," Logan sighed, feeling bad for costing James anything but appreciating the gesture. Once they each had a cup of heaven, Logan led the way out into the night. "The tables are all taken. Should we eat in the car?"

"It is our thing," James grinned. They were almost there when he stopped, reaching out a hand for Logan's arm. "Actually, can you eat and walk at the same time?"

"It's not what I prefer to do but I'm sure I can manage. Where are we going?"

"The beach is a few blocks away. It's a nice night. I'm betting you haven't even been to the beach once since you moved here."

"You'd be right," Logan admitted with a rueful smile.

"You're missing out, buddy. It's beautiful, even at night. _Especially_ at night. I'm gonna force you to enjoy nature for an hour."

"If I must," Logan groaned mockingly. "But you're not getting out of sharing that ice cream with me."

"I was just about to offer you a bite. Open your mouth."

Logan stood in place long enough to accept a spoonful of a cheesecake-like mixture with a fresh strawberry on top. "Mmm, that's good."

"Surprised you're not worried about my cooties," James teased. "Who knows where these lips have been?"

"Oh, don't make me regret that bite. It was so good."

James grinned before opening his own mouth, Logan taking the hint and spooning in some of his concoction. The sound James made was almost orgasmic. "Good?" Logan smiled.

"Fuck, I should've gotten that."

"It's okay, I'll share. Come on, let's hit the beach."

James followed when Logan started walking again, steering him in the opposite direction when he started going the wrong way. "Lost without me," James said. "How do you even find your classes, Mr. Mitchell?"

"I mapped it all out my first day on campus. We got in early enough that I had time to do that." Opening his mouth for the next bite James lifted to his mouth, Logan asked, "You're doing okay on money, then?"

"Dude, I'm doing _great_ on money. I told you, that alpaca thing came through. I mean, I have no way of knowing if he really did give me fifty percent, but he gave me enough that I don't doubt it."

"That's crazy, James. I have to admit, I was positive it was a scam."

"I know. But he tracked me down and sent me a fat check that I was sure was gonna bounce. It didn't. And you know what the best part of it was?"

"Hmm?" Logan shoveled in another spoonful before James could continue, chuckling when James talked right through the food.

"The note from his kids."

"His...what?"

"There was note with the check, besides the one he included. It was written by his two little kids, a thank you for the money. One of them even drew a picture of a hamburger, said it was his favorite thing his dad bought him out of it."

"James, oh my god. You're not making this up?"

"Nope. Sometimes things really do work out even when it seems impossible, you know?"

"Yeah, I suppose they do," Logan said softly. "You taped the note up on your mirror at home, didn't you?"

James swallowed, face red as he dug out another bite for Logan. "Maybe."

"Of course you did." After accepting the spoon, Logan gave James a moment to get past his embarrassment and then said, "I would've done the same thing."

"You wouldn't have given up all your money in the first place."

"No, I can't argue that. I would've assumed it was a scam and walked away. That's what makes us different, James. You take chances. I only bet on sure things, things that won't come back to bite me in the ass later."

"I know," James sighed. "And while I admire that in you, I think that you miss out on some pretty amazing things because of it. Why haven't you asked out the guy in your English class?"

There was really only one true answer to that question, but it wasn't one James would want to hear. Instead of stating that it was because that guy wasn't James, Logan said, "I'm not interested in dating right now. We've been through this."

"Yeah."

"Weren't you going to take some time off, too? What happened with that?"

"I get bored too easily. It's fine when I'm working, but in between jobs I just sit home and think about...things. It makes me crazy, so I find stuff to distract me."

"People, you mean. You distract yourself with people."

"I guess."

"So you never heard from your mother again?"

"I changed my number."

Stopping next to a trash can, Logan offered his last bite to James before dropping the spoon and empty cup into it. "That's what Kendall said," he continued. "That Shelly was really upset about it."

"Yeah," James admitted, biting his lip and tossing his own trash away. "I regretted that after about a month."

"Can't blame her for being hurt; she's your best friend."

"I know, but even she never believed I'd still be here after a few months. I'm kicking ass out here and the only person who ever told me I could do it is you."

Logan wanted to comment that maybe that afforded him the privilege of possessing James' phone number, but James had had opportunities to offer it and never did, and as he'd once said to Kendall, who knew how James Diamond's brain worked?

"And look at you now," he finally replied, an answering smile lifting his lips when James offered him one. "Tony Romano. You do know that's a cheese, right?"

"Is it?" James asked, nose crinkling. "God, that's so cheesy."

It was a second before they looked at each other and laughed at the unintentional pun, then James pulled Logan closer by the hand and linked their fingers to keep him near as they started walking again. "But yeah, look at me now. Come on, the pier is this way. We can walk out to the end of it, if that's cool."

"That's fine," Logan nodded, and together they crossed a street toward what looked like a mini amusement park shutting down for the night.

"Aww, we missed the Ferris wheel. I love going on that, especially at night. I feel closer to the stars."

It was only then that Logan realized James had somehow successfully steered the earlier conversation away from his mother, or perhaps it was Logan who had. Either way, he was determined to get them back to it. "Have you been up to the Observatory yet? My astronomy professor says it's the best place to get a good view of them outside of the desert."

"No, I don't have anyone to take me and there's not a bus that goes up the hill. I did take a tour up to the Hollywood sign, though. Now _that_ was cheesy. But it got me close to the sign. My roommate was telling me there are hiking trails up there that get you closer, but I haven't tried that yet."

Preparing himself for rejection, Logan gathered his courage and offered, "We could go up there sometime, to the Observatory. I know how much you love your stars."

James held his silence as they took the turn onto the boardwalk, Logan afraid to say anything more. Just when he was beginning to think James would let the comment pass, James joked, "You just want to get me talking about my mom again and know that would do it."

Logan couldn't have been more serious and knew James could read him well enough to understand that; James was subtly turning down the offer. "Well, I'm always here for that, as well," Logan stated quietly, knowing then that he might not ever see James again after tonight. He was right back to possessing the knowledge that in what might be a matter of minutes, this perfect moment with James would be over and having no idea how to keep it from happening.

"Shit, I never called Jen to let her know I wouldn't be there."

They stopped walking at the entrance to the pier, James slipping out a phone that Logan was grateful to see hadn't changed. He kept a respectable distance while James placed the call, checking his own phone to see a missed text from Kendall.

" _What did you decide about your dad?"_

Logan smiled, considering calling Kendall but knowing it wouldn't be a quick conversation and not wanting to detract from his time with James. He settled for an answering text.

" _I met him tonight. A lot to tell you. I'm also currently at the beach with James, believe it or not. I'll call you tomorrow and explain everything, but I'm glad I went to see my dad. Thanks for encouraging me."_

"I'm really sorry, my friend needed someone to talk to and I was worried about him."

The words floated to Logan, making him roll his eyes but he couldn't deny they were true.

" _You're with James? How did that happen? I thought you didn't have his number."_

 _"I didn't and still don't. Probably never will. He's good, though. Tell Shelly he looks good and he really is happy."_ He sent that text, then added a new one. _"Also tell her he won't be home anytime soon, that he's kicking ass out here and she should've believed in him from the start. Okay, maybe not that last part."_

"I know, Jen, I'll make it up to you. Breakfast Sunday morning? Perfect. Shoot me a text tomorrow night and we'll figure out the details. Oh. Yeah, that works, too. See you tomorrow night, then. We'll make it a sleepover."

Logan's stomach turned, pain making him start the walk up the pier alone; he knew James would catch up.

" _I'll pass on the message. What are you guys up to?"_

" _He's making plans to sleep over at some slut's house. I'm walking on the pier."_

" _Wow, he's a walking sex machine, isn't he?"_

"Logan, wait up!"

" _Some things never change. I'll call you tomorrow, Kendall. Tell Carlos I hope he heals fast."_

" _He's asleep on the couch with his head on my lap. I sat through three hours of cartoons for him."_

Logan laughed at the text, feeling better enough that he didn't tense up when James slid an arm over his shoulders and asked, "What's so funny?"

"Kendall. His roommate's got him wrapped around his finger. It's kind of cute."

"How's Kendall doing, anyway?"

"Good. Other than the roommate who drives him crazy, he loves it. Though I think deep down he loves that, too."

"Someone to take care of, huh? Figures he'd gravitate toward that."

"Yeah," Logan agreed, sending off one more text.

" _You've done the same thing for me, don't complain. Later, buddy."_

After pocketing the phone, Logan instinctively cuddled into James as they walked, making it more difficult to move but in no hurry anyway.

"Cold?" James asked.

"Sure, let's go with that."

James chuckled, tightening his arm around Logan. "I was gonna offer you my blazer, but I'm getting the feeling it isn't really what you're after."

"See? I told you pretty faces could be intelligent."

Hearing James laugh softly above his head, which was now laying on James' shoulder, Logan slipped a hand under the blazer and allowed it to rub gently over James' lower back.

"Mmm," James hummed. "Are you really trying to seduce me in public?"

Logan was afraid to answer, fearing that James would put a stop to it once his intentions were known. Instead James moved his fingers to the back of Logan's neck, letting them tickle the sensitive skin so that Logan had to hide his face in James' shoulder. The heat coiled up through his stomach as it always magically did when James was involved, and when James halted their stroll to position Logan up against the railing of the pier from behind, Logan was on fire. He bent his head so that his neck was exposed, James taking the hint and sucking lightly at the side of Logan's neck. Even that small gesture was enough to weaken Logan's knees, his fingers digging into the battered wood while his breath caught. James' arms locked around him, holding him steady, and Logan had the passing thought that he would never fail to be amazed at the power James commanded over him before the sucking turned to nibbles that wiped away the ability to think.

Apparently not worried about the presence of others in their midst, James dragged Logan around to press a searing kiss to his lips, Logan opening his mouth in invitation and crying out just softly enough that only James heard, but he was the only one who mattered. James deepened the kiss, his tongue reclaiming familiar territory while the railing dug into Logan's back without a complaint from him. The kiss was broken long enough for James to gasp, "You drive me crazy," and then Logan closed the distance again in case James had plans to back away.

About a minute into their next kiss, a male voice cheered and called out, "You get it, boy!" in passing, making James chuckle and Logan blush scarlet. James chased away the embarrassment with more kisses, Logan aware that they should stop but unable to make that happen until the next comment was, "Get a room!"

It sounded like a fantastic idea to Logan, the words calling to mind a long night in Mesquite that had begun with him conquering his biggest fear and ended in the best night's sleep he'd ever experienced.

James' mouth kissed its way to Logan's ear, teeth nibbling before he whispered, "I'm thinking of something."

Logan swallowed, trying to catch his breath, and replied, "I'm about to tie you for king of the game forever."

"Not fair, I gave too many clues."

"Sore loser. Did you ever get your license?"

James nodded, kissing Logan once more.

"Good." He dug out his keys and pressed them into James' hand. "See that hotel on the corner?"

James craned his neck to the right, hissing when Logan took the opportunity to bite his neck. "Fuck, Logan."

"Go get the car and meet me there. I'll wait in the lobby."

"So hot when you take charge," James murmured, forcing himself to step away and getting a handle on his breathing. "I'll hurry."

"I know you will."


	21. Chapter 21

James sprinted off and down the pier, Logan watching him for a moment before walking quickly after. There was a part of him that worried James might talk himself out of this, for whatever reason decide it wasn't good for his image or that it was a mistake, and that could've easily happened in the fifteen minutes it took them to walk back to the car. He'd given James the keys knowing that James wouldn't leave him stranded, that his conscience would keep him from doing that, and even if James did talk himself out of a night with Logan, it would be too late when they met up again; Logan would have already booked the room and James would feel guilty about that. It wasn't the most upfront way to secure James for the evening, but Logan had suffered too many agonizingly lonely nights to beat himself up over it.

During the trek to the hotel, Logan texted Andrew not to expect him home until morning, figuring he would assume Logan was staying at his father's and allowing that assumption to stand. He imagined he and James were still on road trip rules and that no one could know of their hook-up (and oh, how he hated to think of it in that vein but if the shoe fit...), feeling guilty that it would be one more secret hidden from Kendall. He didn't regret the decision to do it, though, a selfish part of him thinking that if the rest of the world could have James Diamond for a night, he also deserved that much after what they'd lived through together. Once again he wondered if James had ever opened up to another lover as he had Logan, but quickly dismissed that idea-James had left behind that life and had no reason to bring it into his new world.

When asked by the hotel's clerk if he had a reservation, Logan shook his head. Momentary panic took hold; if they had to go somewhere else, that would give James too much time to back out. He had to know by now that Logan was hopelessly in love, and James wanted nothing that might tie him down or hold him back. The desk clerk informed him it wasn't a problem, though, Logan's tension draining away; this was going to happen.

He gave his name and information, passing over his license when requested, and was about to hold out his debit card when a long arm shot forward from behind to offer one. "I got this one, Logan."

"James, you paid me back for the last one. At least go halves with me."

"Nope. This one's on me."

A soft peck was pressed to the back of Logan's head while the card was being processed. Satisfied that James wasn't going anywhere, Logan relaxed back against him.

"Thank you, Mr. Mitchell. Here are your room keys and you're on the tenth floor."

Feeling a strong sense of _déjà vu_ , Logan allowed James to lead him to the elevator. The doors opened on an empty car and Logan smirked. "Don't even think about it. Or did you already cross that off your list?"

"Not yet," James laughed. "I decided that when I'm rich enough to buy a big house, I'll have an elevator put in and make proper use of it. That way I can't be arrested."

"Clever." The doors closed and Logan was immediately turned to face a wall and pressed up against it.

"Remember this?"

"Never forgot," Logan assured James, pulling his mouth down to kiss him hard while rubbing back against him.

"Mmm, this was so much easier the second time around," James joked.

Bristling, Logan shoved James away. "Don't make fun of me. You created this."

Surprised by the angry tone, James waited until they were walking toward their room to speak. "Logan, I wasn't complaining or mocking you. I'm glad you trust me enough to be free and not hold back. You've come so far."

Logan slid a key card into the lock, flipping on a light switch as he entered the room. His eyes widened at the sight that greeted him. "Wow, this sure is a lot nicer than the other two rooms we stayed in."

"Yes, but they had their own kind of charm, don't you think?"

James was right; as elegant as the decor was in this room boasting two large beds, the small space they'd occupied in South Dakota had been cozy-or maybe that was only because time had sweetened it in Logan's memory. He watched James shrug out of the blazer and toss it on one of the beds. "I assume you have what we need in there, Mr. Boy Scout?"

"Always," James grinned. "And just so you know, because I'm sure you're already beginning to second-guess this, I did get tested right after we moved here."

"You did?" Logan asked. "You mean you actually took my advice on something?"

"Yup. Turns out I'm totally clean of any kind of virus or disease."

"Or at least that you were then. How many partners have you had since the first week?"

"More than I'm comfortable discussing."

"Too many to count on your fingers this time, hmm?"

"More like searching for something in particular and having no luck."

Sitting down on the nearest bed, Logan stared up to ask, "What is it James Diamond is looking for? That loyal, needy, sex-crazed partner that you'll know from a kiss alone?"

"Now you're the one making fun," James said softly with a frown.

"Never." Reaching up with both arms, he pulled James to stand between his legs. "She...or he...is out there. And she or he will be a lucky bitch."

As he'd hoped, a smile stretched James' mouth wide. "Someday, I guess." When Logan leaned forward to kiss the obvious bulge, James shuddered and let his head fall back. "Don't tease me. I'd kill to have your mouth down there."

"I do love to learn," Logan reminded him, carefully lowering the zipper. "And it would be awkward to be on my knees with another man and not know what I'm doing."

"Logan, Jesus. Are you sure you haven't been with anyone else?"

"Promise," Logan whispered. "Just spent a lot of nights thinking about this." He unfastened James' belt before dragging the pants and boxers down, only a tiny bit of apprehension running through him at the idea of what he was about to do.

When hot breath ghosted over James, his own breath caught and his hands gripped Logan's shoulders hard to hold him off. "Logan, wait, let me...bathroom."

"Now?"

"No, I mean...fuck, I can hardly think." James stepped back and swallowed, grasping for words. "Let me...clean up a little. I don't want this to gross you out. It can be kind of..."

"What?"

"I just want it to be a good experience for you. I'll be back."

Logan watched James toe off his shoes before stepping out of the pants and boxers. He couldn't keep his hands off the golden skin, leaning forward to run them up James' thighs as the elegant shirt was quickly unbuttoned. James shivered at the touch, and Logan was pleased that he could still affect James so deeply.

The bruises had faded away completely. He couldn't resist standing to press a kiss to the spot where the biggest had been, right over James' heart.

"Be right back," James murmured, bending down to kiss Logan before turning toward the bathroom. He got all the way into it and was wetting a washcloth when Logan slipped in behind him to place little nibbling bites along his spine. "Fuck!" James whined. "How are you even the same person?"

Logan was tempted to reply with the same question, but didn't want to stop long enough to let James push him away again. His lips ran from shoulder to hip, sucking gently all the way down, and by the time he arrived back at his starting point, James was gripping the sink so hard his knuckles were white. He licked his lips and met Logan's eyes in the mirror. "If you want this to last, you should slow down your attack."

"Do you need to be home in the next few hours?"

"No."

"Then we can just start over after this."

James groaned and let his head fall back onto Logan's shoulder, not complaining when Logan ran the palms of his hands up James' chest. Logan was mesmerized by the sight of his pale hands moving over bronzed skin, pulling James back slightly to wrap one around his length. Watching James thrust forward into the grip was hypnotic, Logan now hard and throbbing as well. "I get it now," he panted.

"What?" James managed, opening his eyes to witness Logan watching the movements. "The mirror thing?"

"Yes. No wonder you get off on this, the way you move is..."

"Hold on." James pushed Logan back gently and then spun to face him, working to get rid of his shirt before doing the same to the pants. Logan allowed it, kicking his shoes and socks aside to join the pile of clothes now near their feet. His mouth was caught for a lazy kiss, James drawing that out for a minute and then switching their positions so that it was Logan facing the mirror with James behind him.

"Oh, no. I can't watch myself, that's the fastest way to kill my mood."

"Just watch me, then."

Doing everything he could to avoid looking at himself, Logan stared into the mirror to focus on James' face and hands, which were trailing over pale skin to leave Logan trembling. James' mouth bent to his neck while a hand slipped down to grip him, Logan unable to close his own mouth because he couldn't catch his breath. Still, he forced himself to watch James, the hair his hands knew so well tickling his jaw. James was right, the visual was intoxicating, though of course it was himself James tended to watch.

Or maybe not, because then James lifted his gaze to the mirror and met Logan's eyes while his lips moved over Logan's neck, Logan squirming as every sense except taste came alive—the hand stroking him, the sight of James nibbling at his neck, the scent of that sweet shampoo James still used, and the sound of lips suctioning occasionally to his skin. "Let me taste you," Logan begged, craning his neck around for a kiss that was more about taste than anything else.

"Logan, I can't hold on much longer if you keep kissing me like that."

"No, not done with you yet. Still want to..." He couldn't bring himself to say it, hoping James would read him in this as he did everything else.

"Give me the washcloth."

Logan reached out for it, picking it up and then catching sight of the shower behind them. He hesitated. "I imagine you've already crossed shower sex off your list."

"Shower...uh...no. That's...not yet."

"Quickest way to get you clean for me." Turning around, Logan backed James toward the shower, in love with the way James could hardly breathe due to his intense arousal. They carefully stepped into it, Logan closing the glass door behind them while reaching around James to spin the knobs. They were drenched with cold water just long enough for it awaken their bodies completely before it warmed, Logan making it hot the way it had been the one night he'd satisfied himself in the shower. James' mouth found his under the spray, Logan not even minding the water dripping down over his face as he returned the eager kiss and twined both hands with James' to lift them and pin him to the wall.

"Hot," James whispered. "So hot."

"Too hot?" Logan started to reach for the knob, but James quickly reclaimed his hand and shook his head.

"No. Me. I can't cool down."

"Come here." Logan kissed James more slowly, sinking into that place where rational thought was impossible to find.

"Not really helping me cool down," James said softly, and Logan smiled.

"Sorry. Just trying to help."

"No, you're not. You're evil."

"Mmm, who made me this way?" Logan tilted his chin up for a brief kiss before reaching for the brand new bar of soap that had been placed in the shower. "So I just clean you up?"

"Jesus, let me do it. You'll have me coming in two seconds flat."

"I thought that was the goal," Logan teased.

"A monster. I've created a monster. Is this what happens when you go months without sex, it all builds up to turn you into an evil little minx?"

"Are you complaining?"

"No."

"Are you mocking me?"

"Not at all."

"Then yes. That's exactly what happens."

"Remind me not to visit you for the next year," James joked, and the probability of that happening was so high that it momentarily broke through the lust to cut into Logan's heart. Unwilling to let that derail tonight, Logan shoved it out of his mind and sank slowly to his knees.

"Oh my fucking god," James breathed, having to brace himself with one hand against the wall as he stared down at Logan.

The cleaning was a quick and easy task, Logan familiar enough with that process, though by the time he was finished James was panting again. He passed the soap up to James, who set it in its molded cradle and tilted Logan's face up by the chin. "You sure you want to do this?"

"Positive. I need to know what it feels like."

"I'll pull out before I come."

Logan nodded, appreciating the gesture and back to being nervous. What if he did it wrong? What if he wasn't capable of satisfying James?

"It'll be fine," James promised, and of course he knew what Logan was thinking. Didn't he always? "Just start slow. Take your time and do whatever feels right to you."

Swallowing against the nerves, Logan ran his gaze up the expanse of James' chest, watching hot water drip off him and reminded of that one drop in the shaft of moonlight that had first mesmerized him enough to kiss James. He _had_ come so far.

James' thumb ran over his lips, Logan closing his eyes and opening his mouth just enough for the finger to slip in, and that was all it took. He wanted this.

There was a slight taste of soap, but otherwise it was pleasant enough as Logan used his tongue to ease himself into the act, enjoying the feel of something warm and alive at his lips. James' hisses and groans encouraged him, and when James needed something to hold onto and reached for his hair, Logan was surprised to find the grip gentle and not demanding. Eventually he felt brave enough to open his mouth, sliding it slowly down the length and venturing a sucking pressure before James shoved him away suddenly and placed a hand on his shoulder to hold him at bay.

His chest rising and falling rapidly, James closed his eyes for a few seconds to compose himself. "Nothing's wrong, don't start thinking you failed at this. I almost lost it and didn't want to come like that."

"Oh." Relieved because he'd been afraid he messed up, Logan instead kissed James' inner thighs while waiting for him to give the signal it was safe to proceed. The gentle hand returned to his hair, James arching Logan back enough to lean down and kiss him slowly.

"You doing okay? If you want to stop-"

"No." Logan shook his head. "Please, James. Let me finish this. Then take me to bed and we'll start again."

That earned Logan another long kiss before James straightened, guiding Logan's mouth back into place. He grew a little bolder with the sucking, using James' hisses and the pressure of James' fingers in his hair as a gauge to know when he was doing something James particularly enjoyed. When James eased Logan into a rhythm, Logan took the hint and ran with it, and soon enough he was being shoved away again but this time James saw it through. Logan's gaze was glued to James' face as he came, still amazed that something he did could bring James to such intense pleasure.

The moment his bliss faded away, James dragged Logan off his knees for a deep, searing kiss, shoving him up against the wall to suffocate him with it. Logan was taken by surprise by the aggression behind the act, responding to it immediately and kissing James back just as hard until they were both panting and Logan was desperate. He cried out in desolation when James' lips were suddenly gone, then cried out again in ecstasy when they enveloped him elsewhere. Buried deep in James' mouth, which was unrelenting in its greed, Logan practically screamed from the delicious pressure, feeling his orgasm rapidly approaching and attempting to push James away. James instead trapped his wrists and held them at bay so that when Logan came with a loud yell, it was directly into the pressure that swallowed him down eagerly.

Self-awareness returned slowly, Logan sinking halfway down the wall before James caught him and held him up under the spray. After dousing them both in the water, he shut it off and stepped out to grab towels for Logan and himself. Once Logan had done a half-hearted job of drying off, James lifted him off his feet to carry him to the bed and lay him down gently, kissing him softly after joining him.

"You gonna live?" James teased.

"No. Can't move. Can't even open my eyes."

"That's okay, you should sleep. I rocked your world yet again."

"No, not sleeping. You still owe me a fuck."

"Damn, Logan!" James laughed. "Seriously, what's gotten into you?"

 _I missed you._ He couldn't say that, though...could he? Opening his eyes slowly, Logan pierced James with a steady gaze. "I missed you."

James looked away, just as Logan had known he would. "I think what you missed is sex. You can get that anywhere if you open yourself to it."

Having expected nothing more, Logan closed his eyes again.

"I mean it, Logan. I know you're busy with your education and all, but college is full of horny young men, and women too, if that's what you want. You don't have to deny yourself all the time. Look what happens when you do."

 _Right, because this is all about sex. It has nothing to do with the fact that I fell in love with you._

"I know you're not asleep, quit pretending you can't hear me."

"I can hear you just fine," Logan agreed. "At least stay the night with me?"

"Wild horses couldn't drag me away. Hmm, where do you suppose that one came from?"

"I would assume actual wild horses dragging someone away. I think that one can safely be taken literally. Why are you so obsessed with figuring out where these phrases come from?"

"I don't know. Reminds me of a time I was really happy."

Finally opening his eyes, Logan studied James carefully. "Are you not now?"

"I am," James nodded. "Honestly, I really am."

Logan saw that he was sincere and relaxed again. "You miss home sometimes, though, don't you?"

"Home? No. Absolutely not."

"You sure?"

"Positive. I miss Shelly, and I miss the places I would escape to when I couldn't handle home. Otherwise...no."

As James was beginning to tense up, Logan managed to sit up and stand.

"Where are you going?"

"Relax, I'm coming right back." After flipping off the lights, Logan returned to the bed, sliding beneath the covers this time and right into James' open arms. Only when he was cuddled up in his favorite place did Logan speak again. "Did you erase the playlist?"

There was a hesitation as James struggled with his answer. "I tried. I couldn't do it."

Logan nodded, sliding an arm around James' waist and snuggling in tighter. "I know you don't want to love her, but it's okay to."

"It's just...I wish she had completely stayed a bitch all the time. Then I could've hated her the way I hate my dad."

Intrigued, as this was the first Logan had heard of his mother being anything besides a bitch, Logan said, "Explain that."

"Well, it's like...most of the time she was a bitch or never there."

"Right."

"But every once in a while, when I least expected it, the old Mom would be there. Not too often, of course. But just when I'd think she was gone for good, she'd do something to surprise me."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, little things. Once she packed me a lunch and put a note in it, like she used to do when I was a kid. Another time she unexpectedly stayed home from work on a Saturday and we all went to the mountains. Just things like that. The best was when she showed up one day to take me out of school early and we spent the day together, just the two of us. She took me to lunch and then we went shopping, and after dinner we went to a movie. I think that was the last really good day I had with my mom, and when I think of things like that...it's hard to move on. Because I know she's in there somewhere." Voice choking up, James continued, "I look at her now and I can't see the woman she used to be. She's all made up and dressed in business clothes and sophisticated, and there's no hint of the mom who used to stay in her pajamas and watch T.V. with me until noon. No sign of the mom who made me animal-shaped pancakes. But then something will slip out, something that shows me she's still alive in there somewhere, and...do you know what it's like to love a memory? Something that you know you can never get back because it's moved on and you can't?"

James was no longer the only one with tears in his eyes. Logan blinked his away, glad he'd plunged them into darkness. "Yeah," he managed, not trusting himself to say much else. "It's hard."

"It's torture. I fight every day to not call her, to not give her my new number. But I'm better off without her, all she does is tear me down now. I need someone who supports me and encourages me. What happened to the mom who used to tell me I could be anything I wanted?"

James couldn't hide the sniffles anymore, Logan reaching up to brush away his tears.

"See, this is why I hate being around you sometimes. You get me crying."

"Weren't you the one who told me it's okay to cry? That expressing emotion is better than bottling it all up? And don't tell me you get it out through your acting, because something tells me Tony Romano doesn't have crying scenes."

James chuckled, cuddling Logan closer for a moment.

"And this is why you also love being around me sometimes," Logan reminded him softly. "Because I make you laugh."

"You also give great head," James teased.

"Oh, do I?" Pleased, Logan grinned smugly. "You're not just saying that?"

"I don't lie about that. Actually, I don't lie about anything."

"Not even when people ask about your upbringing and your past?"

"I avoid it. I'm a master."

"That you are," Logan agreed. "But I'm glad you talk about it with me."

James pressed a kiss to Logan's forehead. "I'm glad I talk to you, too. It's scary, but..."

"You feel better when it's done."

"Yeah. And you've never broken my trust. Unless...does your dad know about us? The way he said goodbye to me makes me wonder."

"He has his suspicions," Logan admitted. "He said he could tell by the way I was watching you during dinner."

"You were watching me?" James echoed, shifting to try to stare into Logan's eyes in the dark and moderately successful. "Why?"

"I told you. I miss you. What I want to know is why you were watching me."

"Logan, my back was to you. How could I have been watching you?"

"So you weren't watching me with Andrew when you went to the bathroom?"

"You were in my path on the way back, it would've been impossible to not see you."

 _I avoid it. I'm a master._

Giving up on that line of thought because James wasn't going to crack, Logan switched tactics. "Well, my dad said he could tell we have a past together. And before you get all pissy and say I broke your trust, remember that you almost took me down on a pier in front of at least twenty witnesses. You obviously aren't that worried about keeping us a secret."

"They were strangers."

"Until one of them one day sees Tony Romano on T.V. and thinks, 'Hey, that looks like the hot guy who was making out with another guy at the beach.' I don't really care, but you need to be more careful in public if you're that concerned with your image."

"Shit. I didn't even think about it. That's the problem with you, I don't think."

"Welcome to the club. The second you kiss me, I can barely form a thought. Sex is a thousand times worse."

James considered that. "Is that why you crave it so bad? Because it's like...a break from your mind?"

Logan shrugged, uncomfortable admitting the depth of his need. "That's probably part of it. But your body can become conditioned to it, too, so that you crave it incessantly."

"Yeah, if you get enough of it. You've only done it once, right?"

"Technically it was twice. But just that one night, yes."

"Oh no, watch out or you might become a sex addict," James smirked.

"From two rolls in the hay? I think I'll be okay, James."

"If you count oral sex, it's three now. And what do you think that means? Rolls in the hay?"

"Actual hay, James. Sex in a stable."

"Hmm. That's something to think about. Ever ridden a horse?"

"I haven't, actually," Logan replied, trying to keep up with James' ever-changing train of thought. "You?"

"I rode you, does that count? Oh wait, you're a bull."

"Yes I am, Mr. Vain-and-Self-Centered. Remind me what that means?"

"That you're stubborn."

"No longer deny that," Logan smirked, moving away from James to roll onto his back. After kicking the covers off, he dragged James closer until James was straddling his hips, the new position enough to have his body awake and begging.

"Also persistent," James added, staring down with one eyebrow cocked.

"Weren't there good qualities, too?"

"Well, persistence doesn't have to be a bad thing," James pointed out, bending forward to nip at Logan's neck. "But there was also slow and steady. Seeing a task through until the end."

"Mmm, that's what I was hoping you'd remember." Logan hissed as James sucked harder at his neck. "Damn you, it's too hot to wear high-collared shirts for a week. Must you?"

"You love it," James murmured.

"Andrew thought I was weird, wearing clothes like that to bed."

"Let him think that." James bucked forward, the friction teasing Logan so that he gasped. "Always so ready."

"Not that first time."

"No, you were ready then, too. Long overdue."

"I'm overdue now. Quit teasing me."

James nibbled at Logan's bottom lip. "Have I mentioned how much I love this side of you?"

"The sexually desperate side of me? No, please tell me more about how pathetic I am."

"Hush, you're not pathetic." James accompanied his words with a gentle kiss. "And I love how you get cranky when I make you wait. Maybe I'll just tease you all night."

"Oh yeah? Maybe I'll just do some of this, then." Showing no mercy, Logan dragged his nails from James' shoulder to his lower back, smug when James not only arched but cried out as he shuddered violently.

"Logan, fuck!" he gasped. "Okay, you made your point! Hang on, let me get the...where did I drop my coat?"

"I always win," Logan grinned. "Other bed."

"Right. Just hold on, don't go taking care of yourself, Mr. Sex-Crazed Maniac."

When James moved off him, Logan scooted to the middle of the bed and made himself comfortable. He snatched the condom from James as soon as it was within reach, awkwardly fumbling the attempt to get it in place before James helped him.

"It gets easier with practice," James promised. "I can do it one-handed."

"Aren't you special? Less talk, more action. I've waited long enough for this."

"We've only been here about an hour, relax."

Logan was referring to more than just the room, though, and thought James probably knew that. He was past caring, the desperation made more intense by the second as he craved the peace only James could give him.

"I'd offer to show you how to prepare me, but I think you might bite my head off if I delay any longer."

It was a smart idea, actually, Logan wanting to learn every aspect of the act, but at the moment he didn't have the patience to take things slow. "Later," he whispered. "For now, just..."

"Shh, I got you," James soothed, moving into position after stretching and lubricating himself. He guided Logan in, sitting down slowly but as far he was able, both of them letting out a relieved and content sigh when Logan was sheathed.

James leaned down to kiss Logan. "Better?"

"So much."

They kissed again, then one more time, and after that it became the main act as they continued for long minutes with James still in place. The combination of the two was a powerful shield against Logan's mind, especially when James began to move up and down in a slow rhythm.

"Please make this last," Logan whispered, unconcerned with how desperate he might sound because he was.

"Slow and steady," James murmured against his mouth before they were kissing again, movements remaining just that.

What seemed ages later but upon looking back would feel like a mere minute, Logan increased the pace to send James into a round of groans. Remembering that James also enjoyed sex in another manner, Logan pulled out to turn him over and then onto hands and knees like a cat that arched back when Logan buried himself again. "Logan, please," James whined, and Logan held tight to James' sides to rock hard into him repeatedly as James proceeded to lose his mind while breathing Logan's name aloud over and over. It was the sound of that as much as the sensations that rushed Logan toward his peak while James clawed at the mattress in ecstasy, going rigid and crying out as he came seconds before Logan.

"Oh my fucking god," James panted, falling to the bed and nearly suffocating himself in the pillow before he turned his head to the side. "Are you _sure_ you haven't been with anyone else?"

"Swear," Logan replied as he sat up onto his knees and used his arm to wipe sweat off his forehead. "Wow."

"That's an understatement. I don't think I can move."

Logan smiled, glad it wasn't him this time. "Then don't. Stay right there." Hopping up from the bed with the energy of a five-year-old, Logan removed the condom and tossed it in a can before crossing to the bathroom to wet another washcloth with warm water. "Roll over," he commanded when he returned.

"No," James answered into the pillow. "I'm dead."

"You'd better not be, I expect more of that later." Not-so-gently rolling James onto his back, Logan used the cloth to clean James and then himself, wiping up the mess on the sheets last. "Want to move to the other bed so we can sleep?"

"Not moving."

"Baby," Logan teased, softening the insult with kisses up James' spine that left him humming. He jumped up again to dispose of the washcloth, then flipped off the bathroom light and climbed into bed next to James, who not surprisingly shifted onto his back in order to cuddle Logan close. Logan went willingly and then pulled the covers up over them. "Need to be anywhere or can we do this without setting an alarm?"

"I do have a breakfast meeting, and I'll need time to go home and get ready for that. Set your alarm for six?"

"Okay." Logan started to move away when James asked, "What about you? No classes?"

"Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Oh. Right. When you're out of school, weekends mean nothing. Hurry back, I'm cold."

"So needy," Logan grinned, but of course he loved that James already missed him. "Fine, I'll just use your phone so I don't have to get out of bed." He rolled onto his side and felt around for James' pants, dragging them closer to dig into a pocket. After pulling out the phone, he clicked a button to make the screen come alive, noticing two things simultaneously: one, that James had turned on airplane mode, ensuring he wouldn't be disturbed; and two, that the lock screen was set to the photo James had taken of them during his birthday breakfast, the selfie in which he'd forced Logan into a smile. Shocked, he stared at it and remembered that moment in time, before he'd discovered how incredible sex could be and how much he would miss James in his life.

"Oh, I have to put in my code. It's-"

"0-8-1-8."

"What the...shit, Logan, how do you know that?"

"I guessed. I figured it would be your birthday."

Throwing an arm over his eyes, James sighed. "It scares me sometimes, how well you know me."

"Yeah, that's mutual." He set the alarm and laid the phone on a nearby nightstand, expecting it when James used one arm to pull him back into place. After a few kisses to James' shoulder, Logan said, "Thank you for tonight."

"You're thanking me for sex?"

"I have manners."

"You know, I can't say that anyone else has ever thanked me for it. It's nice to be appreciated for my talents."

Rolling his eyes, Logan replied, "Besides your acting, you mean."

"Well, yes, but that's a given. I'm good."

"And still full of yourself, Mr. I'm-Better-Than-Everyone-Else."

"I never said that, and you're still horrible at nicknames."

"Oh, well. I guess some things never change."

Tilting Logan's chin up for a soft kiss, James smiled. "Not always a bad thing."

"No. It really isn't."

Logan was tempted to comment on the lock screen, wondering if it meant the old James was closer to the surface than he'd imagined, but he was loathe to ruin the perfect moment between them. Instead he closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of his favorite place in the world, almost asleep when a kiss to the top of his head curved his lips into a smile.

* * *

An hour later Logan woke James up for round two; James gave no complaints, and the third time it was he who kissed Logan awake before climbing on him to enjoy slow, leisurely lovemaking. His kisses were sweet, Logan as always amazed that James could be so gentle, and when it was done he fell back into an exhausted sleep that was peaceful and broken only when a hand caressed his cheek lightly. Another soft kiss made him sigh in his sleep, and when he woke around five in hopes of staying awake for the last hour of cuddling, the other side of the bed was cold.

This time Logan didn't bother to check the other bed or glance toward the bathroom. He knew before his eyes noted the missing clothes that James was gone, and when he reached up to turn on a lamp, the phone was of course gone as well.

A note would have been nice this time, something he could take with him as proof this hadn't all been a dream, but of course there was nothing.

Desolation spreading through him, Logan laid back down and searched for warmth under blankets he would no longer have to share, resigning himself to months (or perhaps even a lifetime) of lonely nights.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N-I really hope you guys are enjoying this story. Please let me know what you think!

* * *

As before when he'd first parted from James, the next few weeks passed in a blur for Logan, who threw himself deeper into his studies in an attempt to rise above the crushing loneliness James always seemed to leave behind. Once again every love song suddenly had personal meaning, every couple sharing a kiss was a reminder of what he'd had before it was ripped away. He couldn't confide in Kendall or his mother, and when both asked if something was wrong after noticing he seemed down, he blamed it on stress from schoolwork. In Kendall's case, he added that the meeting with his father had given him much to think about; when Kendall asked if he was planning to let his mother in on the news, Logan admitted he hadn't made up his mind about that and the guilt was adding to his mental stress.

There were a few differences this time around, though; one was the presence of a father in his life, and they agreed to meet for dinner once a week in order to get to know each other. Logan expressed an interest in spending time with Jonathan's new family as well, and Jonathan promised that was something that would come to pass once he'd had Logan to himself for a while. Logan discovered that his father was someone he could not only relate to but admired for turning his life around and becoming a man each of them respected. Jonathan asked about James during their first meeting, and when Logan made it clear there was no James in his life, Jonathan backed off.

The second difference was that school wasn't enough of a distraction; no matter how much he attempted to study, Logan caught himself daydreaming frequently, coming back to himself to realize he'd missed half of the lecture or had only filled in a third of the test he'd struggled to study for the previous evening. James had bled into every area of his life and when his grades started to suffer, Logan knew he had a problem. He remembered James reminding him to always keep that edge because he needed to qualify for a scholarship in the next few years, but that memory only pissed him off because it was easy for James to say that when he wasn't the one lying in bed every night aching for a touch that brought him to life in a way nothing else did.

And that was the biggest difference after the second encounter with James—anger. He'd known the first time that they were going to part when it was over. He'd known that the second time as well, but he'd been unable to accept it as easily because the fear was gone and what had motivated him then was pure and simple need. James had satisfied that need and taken him to new heights, rekindling that flame before snuffing it out without even saying goodbye. This time there had been no goodbye kiss, not even "It was good seeing you again" or "Take care." He'd woken Logan for one last roll in the hay and then...what? Logan remembered the sweetness of his touches, the gentleness of his kisses that last time, and it wasn't until replaying all of that in his head that he understood what he should've known at the time—all of it was a goodbye without uttering the word. James had left in a way that wouldn't cause a scene, never giving Logan a chance to beg him to stay. Had he ever planned to actually sleep until six, or was that just a ruse to escape before Logan woke up?

A week into November, Logan received his first ever "C" on a test. It was devastating, the written proof that he'd sunk so low as to be average for the first time in his life. While he'd often wished to be normal, academically that had never been a goal, and by the time he returned to the dorm he was in a state of near-rage aimed at someone he couldn't even scream at because that someone had purposely disappeared without a trace.

Slamming the door hard enough that it continued to shake for a few seconds once it was closed, Logan threw his backpack down onto his bed. His gaze caught on a granola bar peeking out from a side pocket, the same brand that James had enjoyed so much on their road trip, and with a roar he snatched it up and threw that as well, watching it smack against the wall with satisfaction. "Fuck you and your chocolate peanut butter orgasm! Are you happy now?! Is this what you wanted, to leave me so miserable that I can't even function? I hate you!"

Of course that wasn't true, and deep down Logan knew the other wasn't true either—James hadn't meant for him to be miserable. It was easier to hate him pretending that was the case, though, and after tossing his backpack to the floor he fell back onto the bed to dig out his phone and pull up the picture of James in a state of excitement over sushi. It was also easier to yell at James when he could see his face.

"Look at you with those eyes that dance when you're happy," Logan spat. "That stupid smile and that hair you were so proud of that you hacked it off because it made you look too young. It made you look hot, you idiot! You were fine the way you were, why did you have to change? Why did you have to disappear on me, you fucking asshole? I'm sick of this! Sick of missing someone who isn't worth my anguish, who doesn't even say goodbye after I fuck his brains out for hours. I gave you all of me, James, everything I had to give, and you don't even fucking care! I'm done! _You_ can't say goodbye, but guess what? _I_ can!"

Logan's thumb moved toward the little symbol of a trash can on the screen, hovering there for a second as he tried to force himself to delete the picture. He didn't need this, didn't need any of it, and yet the thought of erasing even this small link to the best memories of his life was enough to send him into the beginnings of a panic attack.

"Fuck," he choked out, angry tears spilling over to blur the image. "I hate you," he whispered, knowing that if James magically appeared in this moment he would run into those strong arms and beg James to never let go. "I'm so pathetic."

The phone vibrated in his hand, startling him, and he wiped away tears to see that he'd received a text from Kendall. Taking a deep, calming breath, he opened the message.

" _I know you've been down, so I thought this might cheer you up. Your boy's moving up in the world, and it's all thanks to you. Aren't you glad you helped make his dreams come true?"_

There was a link tacked onto the end of the text, Logan blinking and fighting with himself over whether or not he wanted to click it; James was the last person he needed to see right now.

It was for a celebrity website, though, and that intrigued Logan. Perhaps they'd done a story on Tony Romano and he could channel his anger into pride. He _was_ still proud of James for pursuing his goal so determinedly.

Finally giving in to temptation (because as usual, any news of James was like that sip of water after wandering for days through an arid desert), Logan clicked the link and waited for the page to load on his phone. Though James was present in the two pictures accompanying the blurb, the article wasn't so much about him as the woman he was with. She was a well-known movie actress (blonde, of course, and perfectly proportioned) who'd managed to star in three blockbusters over the past year. She was elegant and graceful and...

"Some lucky bitch," Logan whispered, as she was being escorted into a trendy restaurant on James' arm. James of course was handsome as ever, Logan almost able to smell his shampoo and cologne while studying the photos. In the second one, they were seated at an outdoor table while she leaned close to James. Logan recognized the flirtatious smirk on James' face and his stomach clenched before he had to drop the phone onto the mattress.

What was left of his anger faded away to be replaced with pain, Logan physically and mentally drained. There was plenty of emotion left, though, and he longed for the time before James when emotion was a distant stranger and he hadn't learned how to feel. "I miss you," he whined softly, rolling onto his side and curling into a ball while hot tears escaped again. "Why can't you miss me, too?"

After ten minutes of quiet crying that left him numb, the sudden buzzing of his phone was both a godsend and a curse; while he really didn't want to talk to Kendall right now, he knew Kendall was exactly what he needed. He reached out for it and answered the call in a dead voice.

"Hey."

"Hey! I was just gonna leave a voicemail, but this is better. You got a few minutes to talk?"

Kendall's cheery demeanor made Logan scowl. "Yeah."

"So what's up? Did you get the link I sent you earlier?"

"Yes."

When nothing more was offered, Kendall let out a sigh, Logan hearing a creak as he fell into what was most likely a chair. "Logan, talk to me. I'm worried about you and trying really hard to let you work through whatever's wrong, but I'm not good at that. It's either talk now or I miss a game to fly out there tomorrow morning."

"Kendall, nothing's-"

"What's it gonna be, Logan?"

"I got a C," Logan blurted.

"A what?"

"A C. On my history test."

"Whoa. Dude, what...is college that hard?"

"No, it's actually easier than I expected, at least most of my classes. And I hate that, I want it to be so hard that I can barely keep up but instead I finish everything early and lay awake and think and I just want it to stop, I want the noise to stop for five seconds and it doesn't, all I do is go more crazy every day and-"

"I'll be there in the morning."

"What?!" Logan sat up fast. "No! Kendall, no it's not something you can help! Please don't, I promise I'm okay."

"You just said you're going crazy, and on top of that it's affecting your grades. When in your life has that ever happened?"

"Never," Logan admitted in a tiny voice.

"Exactly, and I think it's because you don't have me there to talk you down when you panic. I told you to call me anytime you need me, why don't you?"

"Because it's not something you can fix! If it was, I'd be calling you every second, okay? I promise, Kendall, it's not the panic. I'm doing a lot better about that."

"Then what the hell is wrong? Your mom's worried about you, too, she can tell you're not yourself when she calls. Is it your dad? Is the guilt killing you that much? Because if that's what it is, just tell her! She'll understand, Logan. She might be-"

"It's not that!" Logan snapped.

"Then tell me what's going on in your head! I'm just trying to help and you've never shut me out before! What the fuck is going on, Logan?"

"I fell in love!" Logan yelled, breath coming rapidly at saying the words out loud. Kendall didn't reply, and Logan thought he might be struck dumb with shock. "I fell in love," he repeated in a softer voice, anguish bringing the tears back.

"Of course," Kendall finally said, though his voice was still surprised. "It all makes sense now. Logan, this isn't a bad thing. It's what I've wanted for you forever, and I know you must be terrified but...let her in. Don't push her away, give yourself a chance to-"

"It's not a she." Might as well drop the bomb now while Kendall was still in shock.

Another five seconds of silence was followed by, "Oh."

"Yeah."

"So, not only are you struggling with feelings for the first time ever, you're gay on top of it. No wonder you're going crazy, this is enough to send you over the edge."

"I don't know that I'm gay. I think he's just..."

"What? Special?"

"That good. He's that good at what he does and I didn't know how to fight it."

"Bullshit. I've seen guys come onto you before and you manage to block them with no problem."

"You have? Guys come onto me?"

"Yes, Logan. You're blind to it, but people try to flirt with you and you totally shut them down."

"Yeah, well...I couldn't this time."

"Are you gonna yell at me if I say I'm glad?"

"Yes."

"Logan, come on. Let yourself-"

"I would if he loved me back," Logan interrupted with finality. "So before you get started on all that 'open yourself to the possibilities' crap, know that I did. I opened myself up so far that there's no way to close that door again and I can hardly...I'm miserable, Kendall. I think about him all the time and I can't shake it, no matter what I do he's always here in my head."

"That's because he's in your heart. Why doesn't he love you back? Is he not into guys?"

"He's not into commitment. Well, that's not true, either. Just not yet. He doesn't want anything serious."

"And serious is all you know how to do."

"Exactly. I just...I wish I could forget him."

"Yeah, I bet it's hard when you see him every day. Or is that why your grades are slipping? Are you skipping classes to avoid him?"

"No," Logan sighed. "I'm just not focusing in class. But it's not...he isn't..." Struggling with the admission, Logan wondered if he should tell Kendall who he'd fallen for—would that be a breach of trust? James wanted no one to know of their romance.

Of course, admitting that he was in love in no way implicated that James had participated in any way.

"What, Logan? He isn't what?"

"He's not in my classes," Logan stated. "Or even anywhere near me. It's...James."

"James? James who? Oh wait, you mean _Shelly's_ James? The one I just sent you a...oh. Oh my god, Logan, I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"It's fine, it's not like I didn't know he's out fucking a different woman every night. He's never hidden that from me."

"Shit, Logan. Fuck." Kendall sighed heavily, working through all of that in his head. "I should've figured it out from the way you talked about him on the trip. For you to spoil someone like that is unheard of, especially someone who was basically a stranger. I wondered back then if you were attached, but...I just couldn't imagine you getting that close to anyone in such a short amount of time. It's not like you."

"You're telling me everything I already know. It snuck up on me, I...I mean, he was flirty but not...it's hard to explain. And none of that matters. The bottom line is he wanted to come here and cut all ties with everyone. I knew that, and I still fell for him. I knew better, Kendall. How can I be so stupid?"

"Because love isn't a matter of smart or stupid, Logan. Your head has little to do with who you fall in love with. Sometimes a pretty face is enough."

"But not for me, Kendall! How many pretty faces have I ignored? How many flirty glances went over my head? What's so fucking special about this guy? Why can't I stop thinking about him?"

"He got under your skin. Maybe because you were forced to be around him in a situation where you couldn't ignore him. Think about it, Logan—you couldn't walk away, you couldn't shut him out. I mean, that's how I got to you all those years ago, right? I wouldn't get out of your face. You couldn't run. Just be glad he didn't kiss you, or worse. Then you'd probably never be able to forget him."

Logan swallowed hard, laying down and running a hand through his hair. "Yeah," was all he said.

"Look, I'm really sorry I sent you that link. If I'd known how you felt about him..."

"I know. He joked once about sleeping his way to the top. I don't know if that's what he's doing with her, but he does date a lot of women. He told me he had no interest in dating once he got here, but when I saw him a few weeks ago he said he gets bored and goes crazy sitting at home."

"How did you end up at the beach with him anyway? You never explained that, we got caught up talking about the meeting with your dad instead."

Logan bit his bottom lip, remembering how James had waited in the bar for him. "He had a feeling I'd be there and showed up to make sure I was okay. He took a date to the restaurant for dinner, but I'm pretty sure it was because he thought I might need him."

"Really. So he does care."

"He does," Logan admitted. "He's good at calming me down when I have an episode. He can look at me and know what's going through my head, kind of like you can."

"Wow, after two days in a car?"

"Technically, two and a half. Plus two nights in motel rooms."

"Right. Was that hard for you? Did he come onto you at all?"

"I think it's in his DNA to come onto anything with a pulse," Logan joked, avoiding the question. "But we had to share a bed and he forced me to cuddle. Said he was cold."

"Oh, you love cuddling!" Kendall laughed. "That's your weakness!"

"Yeah, yeah," Logan replied, a small smile gracing his lips. "He's a world-class cuddler, Kendall."

"Better than me?"

"Sadly, yes."

"Well, I'll have you know that Carlos likes my cuddling habits just fine."

"Oh, does he? I shouldn't be surprised that you cuddle with him."

"Jealous?"

"No. And that's weird, right? I should be. Before moving here, that would have sent me into a panic attack thinking you'd replaced me."

"Well..."

Something in Kendall's voice had Logan sitting up again and narrowing his eyes. "Well, what? Why do you sound like you're about to tell me something I don't want to hear? _Have_ I been replaced?"

"No, not in that sense. You're still my best friend and always will be."

"Okay..." Though there was no immediate reply, Logan sensed Kendall struggling. "Kendall, what? You're scaring me."

"I'm just afraid you're gonna be mad that I didn't tell you sooner. But I didn't know how you would react, and the truth is I was afraid of losing you."

"You're not going to lose me, ever. How do you not know that by now?"

"I could ask the same of you. But Carlos and me...things kind of...got out of hand one night and..."

Logan's jaw dropped slowly. "No way. Are you telling me you guys had sex?"

"No, we're not quite there. Yet."

"And you didn't tell me this? How long have you been...whatever you are?"

"About two weeks. But Logan, don't get mad, it's just that you were always..."

"What?"

"You don't take to new ideas very well, and I'd certainly never expressed any interest in guys before."

"No, you didn't! Were you lying to me?"

"No! I can honestly say Carlos is the first guy I've ever found attractive. I never would've thought I'd end up with a boyfriend. Not in a million years. But Carlos...he's kind of hard to ignore."

Logan rolled his eyes, able to sympathize. "Yeah, that's how James is. Always in your space, making sexual comments, demanding attention."

"I wouldn't say Carlos made a lot of sexual comments, but the rest is true. To be honest, I think this surprised him as much as it did me. He's never been with a guy, either. We just got into a habit of cuddling because like you said, he's always in my space. 'Kendall, I'm cold.' 'Kendall, my room is too dark, can I sleep with you?' 'Kendall, my ankle hurts today, can you carry me to the kitchen?' And while I knew half of it was bullshit, I never thought it was more than Carlos just being Carlos."

"When did that change?"

"The night he kissed me. He apologized for it after, said he didn't know why he did it, and it shocked us both."

"What did you say?"

"I uh...I didn't know _what_ to say. I just stared at him and...kissed _him_."

"Damn."

"I know! Logan, I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was afraid you'd either be upset because I was replacing you—which I'm not—or think I was a freak for being with a guy."

"When have I ever expressed any sort of dislike for same-sex couples?"

"You haven't," Kendall said hurriedly, as if trying to defuse a bomb before it goes off. "But I didn't know if it would be different with your best friend. I was afraid to take that chance, because I can't lose you. Please don't be mad."

How could he be when he was keeping a secret of the same magnitude from Kendall? "I'm not. I just hope you know that there's nothing you can't tell me, Kendall. Like you always say, I'm not going anywhere."

Kendall breathed out a relieved sigh. "Wow, it feels good to get that weight off my shoulders. I've been dreading it. I would've told you sooner if you'd told me about James."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You've been dealing with this all on your own? Nobody else knows?"

"No. Well...my dad could see it, when he saw us together. He knows I have feelings for James. I told him it wasn't going anywhere, though, so he doesn't bring it up anymore."

"You never told me how you ended up at the beach," Kendall commented.

On tricky ground with that, Logan shared, "I offered him a ride to his date's house. She'd gone home earlier, but he waited around for me in case I needed him. So I was driving him there and we ended up going for ice cream instead. And we walked to the beach from there. Just...walked on the pier and stuff."

"That was nice of him to wait for you. He really does care."

"Yeah. Just not the way I want him to. There are times when I'm so angry at him, and at you."

"Me? What did I do?"

"You forced me to sit in a car with him for days."

"How was I supposed to know you'd fall in love? You never fall in love!"

"Like I said, he's just that good. But...other times, I'm glad it happened. It taught me how to feel, Kendall. Which is bad, but at the time was really great. So great that I don't know how to live without it now."

"You know, Logan..." Kendall hesitated, considering how to make his point. "You don't have to live without it."

"He's not interested in serious, Kendall. He's made that clear. I won't settle for anything less."

"I'm not asking you to. What I'm saying is that he's not the only one out there. He's just the one who got to you because you were forced to notice him. You couldn't run or block him out. If you force yourself to notice someone else, you might find something similar, or even better. Do you talk to your classmates at all?"

"When I have to," Logan admitted. "Otherwise...not really."

"Exactly. What if the only reason you fell for him is because he was there and you couldn't get away? If you keep your head down all the time, there's no way to let anyone else in. And honestly? The easiest way to get over someone is to find someone new to focus on."

Logan closed his eyes, wondering if Kendall was right. Was that the only reason James had captivated him so completely? Because James was the only one he'd ever kissed or...done more with? "I don't know if I can, Kendall. How can I just stop loving someone?"

"You can't. When Shelly broke up with me, remember how hard I took it? I cried every day for a week. I imagine you've been doing a lot of crying yourself?"

"Maybe. Only when I can't distract myself with something else."

"Then you're not grieving. You have to face it instead of shutting it out. Let yourself cry over it and then...let it go. It's hard, but...let him go."

 _Logan, we're not going through this again. Let me go._

James had said he didn't mean it that way, but Logan thought maybe deep down, he did. Because James _did_ care, the guilt of knowing he'd made Logan fall in love must be weighing heavy on him; not once had Logan believed James meant to hurt him. He had even encouraged Logan to find sex elsewhere.

"I don't want to," Logan whispered, eyes blurred with gathering tears. "He's the best thing that ever happened to me, Kendall."

"I know," Kendall said with sympathy. "I'm so sorry. He did what no one else has been able to do for you, he opened up your heart. But I'm telling you, I think it was just brought about by circumstances. Or maybe you _are_ into guys. Maybe that's why you were never receptive to girls. The only guy you've ever really gotten to know is me, and if I'd been interested, things might be different between us. Did you ever want to kiss me?"

"No," Logan said honestly. "No offense."

"None taken, buddy, I feel the same way. Carlos is the first guy to ever make me consider that possibility, and I don't know if that means I'm bi or if he's just special. I only know that I never felt that way about you, and you never felt that way about me. But that doesn't mean you're not gay. Maybe if you kissed a guy, you'd really like it. Or maybe if you kissed a girl, you'd really like that, too. My point is you don't know until you experience it."

Logan kept to himself that he already knew how much he'd enjoy kissing a guy. "So you're saying that I need to kiss a girl, and if that doesn't work, try a guy who isn't James."

"I'm saying you have to do something to get over him. Cry it out, say your mental goodbye. He never gave you his number, did he?"

"No."

"Then you can't do it in person, unless you know where he lives?"

"No. He's been careful to keep all of that to himself."

"Then just do it alone. Get rid of any pictures you have of him, take anything out of your car that might remind you of him."

"There's nothing, except of course the car itself. Can't get rid of that."

"Please, Logan. For your own sanity, force yourself to look around and see what else is out there. I promise you, you'll find someone who's already interested. You're not a bad-looking guy."

"I do have really cute dimples," Logan smiled, remembering James' comment from what seemed a lifetime ago.

"So someone once said," Kendall grinned. "But that someone isn't the only one out there who will think that. If you just—ow! What the hell, Carlos?"

Logan heard a hoot of laughter in the background, followed by what might have been a slug to an arm before a hiss of pain and, "Dude, no fair! You hit harder!"

"Remember that next time, you little weasel," Kendall threatened, but Logan heard the affection in his voice. "Sorry, Logan, my boyfriend thinks it's funny to flick me in the ear. No, Carlos, it's okay; he knows. I told him. Carlos, what are you-"

"Hey, Logan?"

Logan sat up straighter at the new voice in his ear. "Hi, Carlos."

"Look, I know we don't know each other but you're the most important person in the world to Kendall and if he lost you, he'd go insane. Please don't be mad at him. He's been scared that you'd disown him if you found out and-"

"Carlos," Logan interrupted, "it's fine. I promise. We talked it out, we're good. As long as you keep him happy, I've got no issue with it."

"See, Kendall? I _told_ you he'd be fine! All he cares about is your happiness! That's a true friend."

"Give me the phone back," Kendall commanded.

"No, not yet. So Logan, you're cool about Thanksgiving? We don't know how his mom's gonna take it, so he really wants you there in case—ow! Kendall!"

"Get out of here. We'll talk later." After a hand muffled their conversation, Kendall was back. "Sorry about that. He's a little...you know."

"Yeah. What's going on at Thanksgiving?"

"I was working up to that, figured you had enough to deal with already. But um...I wanted to bring him home for Thanksgiving. To meet Mom and Katie. I'm sorry, I know it's one of the things you were worried about months ago, me bringing home someone new, and we talked about how Thanksgiving is our time, but...Logan, I'm sorry. I promised you this wouldn't happen, and..."

Uncertain how he felt about it, Logan allowed the silence to stretch out.

"Please say something. Don't hate me."

"I don't. I just...everything's changing. Just like I knew it would. I miss James," he added, the statement completely unrelated to the current discussion but suddenly the only truth in his life. "I miss James and I want him to love me and he never will, and I just want the pain to stop. Kendall, tell me how to make the pain stop."

"God, I wish I was there right now. Go ahead and cry. Is Andrew there?"

"No, he's in class."

"Good. Let it go, Logan. Do what you need to do and let him go, and then tomorrow you can take a look around and see what else is out there. I promise you can do this."

"I don't want to," Logan whined. "I don't want to open up to anyone ever again."

"I know, but you will. And when you do, you'll be much happier. Trust me, Logan. A month from now you won't even remember that guy's face."

Logan knew better than that, but arguing with Kendall wasn't going to help. "I'll let you go. Thanks for the talk."

"Anytime, you know I'm here for you anytime. That's something that's never gonna change, okay? No matter who I date or what team I'm traded to, I'm always here for you. I love you, bro."

"I know." Logan reached for a tissue and wiped his nose. "I love you, too. And I'm happy for you, as long as you're happy."

"You know, strangely I am. Carlos can be the most annoying little shit on the planet-"

"I heard that!"

Kendall chuckled before continuing. "-but I wouldn't have it any other way. I finally found someone who not only allows me to watch out for him, but needs it."

"I always did that, too."

"Yes, but you never made me want to blow you under the table at dinner."

"Oh god, Kendall! You're as bad as James, putting those visions in my head. Was that really necessary?"

"Just making a point," Kendall laughed. "So when you go looking for a new man, find one who makes you feel safe and protected and loves to cuddle, but also makes you want to blow him. That's how you'll know you found the right guy."

Pain sliced into Logan's heart. He'd found the right one, but wasn't able to hold on. "Talk to you later. I'm going to go cry now."

"Call me later if you need me, okay? Carlos won't mind."

"Thanks. Have a good night. Oh, and Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't...I know you still talk to Shelly sometimes. Don't mention any of this to her, okay? I don't want her telling James that I'm a wreck. All it would do is make him feel guilty."

"Sure. Stays between us. She does ask about you when we talk, though."

"She does?"

"Yeah. James must have said something about you, because she always asks how you're doing."

"James did tell her he thought I was gorgeous. I overheard that."

"Ah. No accounting for taste, I guess."

"Screw you, Kendall," Logan chuckled. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Once the call was disconnected, Logan buried his face in a pillow and let out a frustrated groan. He knew Kendall was right, knew that he'd probably only fallen for James because it was his first time in a situation where he couldn't shut out feelings and hormones but had instead been forced to face them. He also knew that Kendall's theory of getting over James by focusing on someone else was the most logical. Each time he thought about actually doing that, though, James' voice echoed in his head.

 _But...just hold on to the memories, okay? Don't ever forget me._

Would it be possible to do both? Move on to someone else and still hold on to the memories?

"This would be so much easier if you just loved me back, James. Why can't you love me?"

The answer to that wasn't worth dwelling on. It would get Logan nowhere, because it wasn't something he could figure out on his own and would only make him sadder anyway.

Reaching out for his phone, he turned onto his side again and played the video from James' birthday. When it was over, he played it again. And again. Five minutes later he was crying through it, but watching it for the tenth time and grieving for something he could never get back.

"I love you," he whispered. "You will always be in my heart and I will never forget you, but I have to stop thinking about you now. I'm sorry."

He switched over to the picture in front of the sushi restaurant, the image of James' face lit up with surprised delight bringing a smile to his own face. "I'm glad I could make you happy for a short time, and that I helped you believe in yourself. You deserve all the happiness now, and no more pain. If this is what it takes for you to leave behind the abuse and the heartbreak, I'll let you go. But I will always love you, James Diamond—as you were then and as you are now. Make me proud."

By the time he picked himself up from the bed and into the bathroom, his pillow was soaked with tears. In the privacy of the shower, he continued to cry until the acute pain became more of a muted throb that left him numb. When Andrew stepped into the room a few hours later, Logan invited him to dinner because he didn't want to be alone. Understanding that when Logan asked for company it was for a reason, Andrew accepted, and when Jonathan greeted him with a hug at the restaurant it was a long time before Logan let go. He forced himself to focus on the people in his life who wanted to be there, those who felt him worthy of hanging onto.

What he couldn't do, not even after midnight when he finally fell into bed exhausted, was erase those images of James from his phone. As James had requested, he would hold on to the memories.


	23. Chapter 23

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, Logan made a move. It took him two days to work up to it once he chose a prospective target, and those two days were filled with agonizing panic every time he opened his mouth to ask her to join him for dinner.

Kendall had been right, of course; the day after their phone discussion Logan had taken a look around in his classes and discovered that no less than three girls and two guys were receptive to a smile. The girl he finally settled on was non-threatening in her interest, but outspoken enough that she commented how nice it was to get to know Logan better after she suggested he join her for a bite to eat in the dining hall. Her name was Suzi, her major theater, and when she laughed, her eyes danced. She possessed just enough of James' qualities to interest him, but not so many that he felt as if he was in James' presence, and that was good.

It took another day and a half for Logan to raise enough courage to ask Suzi to dinner, and when he did, she readily agreed. Fearing he might not handle an entire evening alone with a virtual stranger well, he decided to take Suzi to his father's restaurant on their date; at least that way if he needed someone, Jonathan would be present, and Jonathan knew exactly how difficult this was for Logan as they'd talked it out beforehand. He promised to have them seated in his section and to be nearby should Logan need him.

Logan spent the entire drive to her house talking to Kendall on speaker, Kendall bolstering his courage (along with unhelpful suggestions by Carlos that were nevertheless well-meaning) and promising him he could do this. The most important thing Kendall reminded him of was the fact that if it didn't work out, he didn't have to do it again. When Logan mentioned that he'd still have to see Suzi in class, Carlos' solution was to drop out. Kendall chastised him before instead coaching Logan to be honest with her and explain that his heart wasn't in it, should that prove to be the case. "But don't you dare run until after you kiss her!" Kendall commanded, and in that he and Carlos agreed.

Suzi fixed herself up nicely for the date, Logan complimenting her dress and hair (as he'd learned worked well on James), and when she reacted in a delighted way, Logan thought maybe he could do this. All he had to do was treat her the way he would treat James (except for the insults, of course), and a kiss would be his in no time. He held the door for her as James did for him, smiling as she stepped in and a waft of her flowery perfume reached his nostrils. It wasn't coconutty-lime, but it would do.

By the time appetizers were done and the main course served, Logan had relaxed enough to think this might actually be a success. Suzi was witty, smart, beautiful, and not nearly as crass as the dinner companion he was trying desperately to forget. His father gave a discreet thumbs up from behind her seat, Logan blushing but grinning as he looked down at his plate. While Suzi finished up the dessert she'd ordered (not offering Logan any, but that was fine—he would've declined it anyway), he excused himself to the restroom, where his father cornered him.

"So? Is it going well?"

"It actually is, Dad. I'm starting to get nervous now, though, because I don't know if she's expecting a kiss or if it's too soon or...how can I tell?"

"You'll know, Logan. When you're saying goodnight, if it's not awkward, you'll know. She's very pretty."

"She is, isn't she? And she's nice enough, I guess."

Jonathan sighed, pulling Logan aside into the grooming area of the restroom. "Son...I know he's on your mind tonight."

Logan's gaze dropped to his feet. "I can't help it. I'm trying not to think about him."

"I know. And you haven't told me the whole story, but I know enough to see that you still miss him."

"He's just...you know what? It doesn't matter. He doesn't want to date me."

"Exactly. And that's what you have to remember when the time comes to kiss her. She _wants_ to kiss you. She wants all those things with you that you want with him. Let yourself have those things."

Logan nodded slowly, bracing himself with a deep breath. "Okay. Let's get back out there so I can do this."

Logan had paid the bill and was helping Suzi into her sweater when a scent floated to him that caused his mouth to water and his body to come alive. _No._

Slowly, he spun around until his eyes locked with wide hazel ones from the next table, where a certain blonde actress was scooting her chair closer to it while her date stood behind. Logan watched all the air leave James' lungs at the same time it left his own. Shaken, Logan swallowed hard and stood immobile as they continued to stare at each other.

"Logan?" Suzi asked. "You ready?"

James blinked before glancing at her and putting it together. Logan looked away, face reddening. "Yeah, let me just say goodbye to my dad. I'll meet you out front."

"Okay. Don't take too long!"

With a flirty wink for Logan, she swept past James without giving him a second look. His entire being yearning for James, Logan gazed around the room instead in search of his father.

"He's back there," James suddenly offered, Logan spinning to see his father coming from the kitchen area.

"Thanks," was all he said, practically running in that direction.

"You heading out now?" Jonathan asked when he approached. "Oh no, why do you look panicked?"

"James is here."

Jonathan sighed, shaking his head. "I was hoping you'd be gone by the time he showed up."

"You knew he'd be here?" Logan hissed.

"He made a reservation yesterday, but I didn't think you two would run into each other."

"You could've warned me, Dad! I would've taken her somewhere else!"

They both knew that was a lie, Jonathan lifting an eyebrow until Logan glanced away.

"I would've at least tried to leave sooner. I was doing fine, why did he have to show up?"

"It doesn't make a difference, Logan. You're leaving and nothing's changed. Just walk out of here like you never saw him. Continue on with your evening like you'd planned to. Go kiss that girl."

Trying to forget that there was only one person he wanted to kiss, the task became easier when Logan turned back toward the entrance to see James still standing but leaning down to whisper in his date's ear. She giggled at whatever he said, James squeezing her shoulder, and Logan's stomach turned.

Suzi was getting kissed tonight.

It was a breeze to walk by James as if he didn't exist, and though inside his heart was breaking, he held his head high and kept going until he was outside in the cold air.

"There you are! Ready to go?"

"Definitely."

Though Logan hadn't touched her at any point during the evening, when she held out her hand he forced himself to take it. It wasn't larger or as warm as James', but he reminded himself that didn't matter—she wasn't James and she wanted to be here.

The valet attendant beat Logan to the passenger door, holding it open for Suzi, and once she was safely inside he turned back to head for the driver's side. His motion stopped at the sight of James rounding the corner, and once again they stared at each other for a moment before Logan ducked his gaze and started moving.

"Logan, wait."

"Goodnight, James. Have a nice time with your date."

"Wait, just-"

"If you need to talk, Kendall has my number. Now isn't the time." Logan opened the door and slid behind the wheel, closing the door with a mighty effort that had nothing to do with physical strength and everything to do with mental fortitude. Just before pulling away, he lowered the window enough so James would hear him. "I'm always here if you need a friend. Call me if you want to."

They shared one more eyelock, then Logan buckled his seatbelt and pulled out into traffic, his heart banging in his ribcage.

"Who was that?" Suzi asked.

"A friend. Sorry about that."

"It's okay. Are you alright, though? You're pale."

"Yeah. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'm fine."

"Okay. I was wondering if you'd be interested in watching a movie with me, but if you're too tired..."

Logan considered it while the offer hung in midair between them. If he took Suzi home now and went into her room, chances were high they would at least make out. It was what he'd wanted, the chance to experience that with someone else. Kendall would encourage him to do this, his father would do the same, and even James would tell him not to pass up the opportunity. It was this last that made the decision for him.

"Sure. I don't know how long I'll stay awake, but we can give it a try. Your parents won't mind?"

"Oh no, they're out of town for the weekend," she grinned.

So he might get more than a make-out session. Logan bit his lip, craving that peace, and his body was still tingling enough from the nearness of James that it was on board with the idea. He let Suzi hold his hand for the drive home as she chattered about things Logan only half-understood, his mind flashing back to the black blazer James had been wearing and the new way he'd styled his hair, with no bangs involved at all. It was a look Logan could get used to, but the bangs were such a part of James that it seemed unnatural.

 _Just more of the new James, Logan. Might as well get used to it._

By the time he pulled to a stop in front of Suzi's house, Logan's head was filled with James again—not just a few flashes, but the intoxicating suffocation of James' body wrapped around him and his own movement inside James. The good it did for him was turn him on enough that when Suzi decided to make a move, he wouldn't be scared. He'd be eager.

It wasn't Suzi who made the first move, though, and had Kendall or his mother been watching, they would have been proud. Logan laid a hand on Suzi's arm as she reached for the door handle, surprising her for only a moment before she understood what he wanted, and when he lifted a hand to pull her closer she met his kiss with an open mouth, her tongue immediately invading and aggressive. It was the same way James kissed when he was horny, when he knew Logan wasn't going to run away, and for a second Logan's mind screamed out in joy at having this again.

The problem was that as they continued to kiss, his mind never backed off. Unlike with James, where his body took over to wipe away coherency, with Suzi he was too aware of the way her hand ran up his arm, of the way her lips tasted like gloss, of the way her tongue was clumsy in his mouth. She was definitely eager, there was no question of that, but rather than excite Logan it turned him off. Her hair in his hands was too thin and styled with too much spray, and even her flowery perfume was suddenly sickeningly sweet.

He pulled away after a full minute, angry at himself for not being able to stop his brain. Why hadn't his body taken over the way it usually did? He'd wanted to be carried away, wanted the noise to stop, needed the peace. He sighed, laying his head back against the seat. "I'm sorry."

Suzi studied him closely. "You really don't look good, Logan. Are you sure you don't want to go home and get some sleep?"

"I...think that's probably a good idea. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Can I just...?"

Closing his eyes against what he knew was coming, Logan waited.

"All night I've felt like you're only half here. I thought a kiss would wake you up, but...I just need to know if it's me."

"No," Logan said immediately, turning to look at her. "I promise, Suzi. You're beautiful, and funny, and so smart and...you're everything a guy should want. I'm just...the truth is, you're my first date and I'm not handling it well. Go ahead and laugh."

"I'm not laughing," Suzi smiled. "I think that's cute. And flattering. But don't give up on dating just because it didn't work out for us."

"I feel horrible. I needed to know if I could do this. I thought I was doing okay until..."

"Sometimes a kiss can tell you all you need to know. When you kiss the right person for you, you'll know it."

Logan groaned in frustration, wanting to punch the steering wheel. "Why does everyone have to keep saying that?"

"Because it's true," Suzi grinned. "Sorry it's not what you want to hear. You're a great guy, though. I hope we won't go back to being strangers after this. I really do like you, and you'd make an awesome study buddy in physics class."

"Sure, use me for my brain," Logan teased, but he was smiling. "Yeah, we can make that work. Thanks for not thinking I'm a freak."

"Nah. Just need a little practice in the dating department," she laughed. Leaning over, she kissed Logan's cheek before opening the door. "Goodnight, Logan. Thanks for dinner."

"Thank you. See you Monday."

"Bye."

The car door slammed to leave him in silence. Logan waited until she was safely inside the house to drive away, brain on autopilot as the sadness crowded in again. Why couldn't he stop thinking about James long enough to enjoy a simple kiss?

 _Sometimes a kiss can tell you all you need to know. When you kiss the right person for you, you'll know it._

"Fuck," Logan muttered, using the first red light to place a call to Kendall.

"You shouldn't be calling me, you should be too busy fucking Suzi's brains out."

"Kendall, that's not me. I don't fuck on the first date."

"You would if you were horny enough after your first kiss. You're dealing with eighteen years of pent-up sexual frustration."

"Well, I wasn't horny enough apparently."

"Please tell me you at least kissed her."

"I kissed her." Not just one, but two whoops of joy came through the phone. "Hi, Carlos," Logan chuckled.

"Hey! Dude, I'm so proud of you! How was your first kiss?"

Logan opened his mouth to answer, unsure how to reply. His true first kiss had been a little awkward, but only for a few moments. Kissing Suzi had been... "Okay. It was okay. No sparks. She was extremely aggressive."

"Good!" Kendall exclaimed. "That's what you need, someone aggressive. But no sparks?"

"No. And I tried, okay? I really wanted this to work out. I was actually horny when I kissed her, and kissing her killed that. Obviously not going to work."

"Wow," Carlos whistled. "She must be a bad kisser."

"No," Logan disagreed. "Just not right for me."

"I'm sorry," Kendall sighed. "I really thought this would work. Maybe what you need _is_ a guy."

"Hey," Logan said suddenly. "Has Shelly called or texted at all tonight?"

"No. Is she supposed to?"

"I told James to get my number from you if he wanted to talk to me."

"Nothing yet, dude. Sorry. Why tonight? Because he's on your mind?"

"Very much so. He was at the restaurant."

Kendall sucked in a breath. "Ah, fuck. Tonight?"

"Yes. With that same actress."

"Shit. No wonder you couldn't kiss Suzi."

"Actually, that made me want to kiss her more because it pissed me off."

"Good. But still no sparks?"

"No." Logan ran a hand through his hair while braking for another red light. "What am I gonna do, Kendall? Why can't I forget about him?"

"Sounds like you were doing okay until he showed up. Did he say anything?"

"He tried. I was leaving and he came out to try to talk to me, but I told him that wasn't the time and that if he wanted to talk, to get my number from you. So obviously, if he tries..."

"Yeah. I'll pass it on, buddy. Where are you headed now?"

"Nowhere in particular. Just driving. I was thinking about going to see my dad, he should be getting off work in an hour. He was great tonight, Kendall. Really supportive of me and telling me not to let James derail me. I couldn't believe it when I turned around and saw him. He looked so good, too."

"Did he know you'd be there this time?"

"I don't think so, he seemed as surprised as I was. I guess my mom will be happy to hear that I at least went on a date."

"She'll be ecstatic," Kendall laughed. "Call her while you're waiting for your dad to get off work."

"Maybe." Making a decision, Logan aimed his car in the direction of his father's restaurant. "Maybe tonight I'll tell her about Dad, too. You were right about that, the guilt is killing me. I was thinking I'd wait until Thanksgiving, though, and do it in person."

"That might be smarter. Mom called me tonight, wanted to make sure you were still coming home for it."

"I think you'd all kill me if I didn't."

"I would!" Carlos called out. "I want to meet you, dude."

"How's the ankle now? All healed?"

"Pretty much. I got on the ice today for the first time. It hurt, but I didn't care."

"Oh, please," Kendall argued. "You were crying like a little baby. I had to carry you back to the-"

"Kendall, you're making me look bad! Shut up!"

Logan chuckled, shaking his head. "Carlos, it doesn't make you look bad to be in pain. You sprained your ankle, that's what happens."

"Still. I am doing better, though. I skated a whole lap."

"That's great! Doctor cleared you for that, right?"

"Do you really think Kendall would let me anywhere near a rink if he didn't?"

"It's true," Kendall agreed. "He's been trying to go out there for a week and I made him wait until the doctor said it was okay. But enough about us. Are you okay, Logan?"

"I am. Suzi took it well and still wants to be my friend, so...that's good, right?"

"Very good. You can't have too many friends."

"Okay, Kendall, I'm almost at my dad's place, so I'm gonna hang up. Thanks for being here for me, guys. I know I keep interrupting your alone time."

"It's cool," Carlos assured him. "I make Kendall turn off his phone when we're in bed, so we get plenty of alone time."

"Good to know. And you're sharing a bed now?"

"Kendall's got the big one, so we sleep in his. But don't worry, we've only gone as far as blow-"

"Carlos!" Kendall yelled. "The whole world doesn't need to know!"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Kendall, you told me that a few days ago. And it made me jealous."

"Then get yourself a man," Kendall ordered. "Monday, start looking around. Go on a date and try kissing him, see if it makes a difference. I think it will."

"I think you're probably right," Logan nodded. "What if it doesn't, though?"

"Don't worry about that right now. Just spend the weekend on your mountain of homework and worry about it Monday."

"Fine," Logan sighed, pulling into the right turn lane near the restaurant. "I'm here now, talk to you guys later. Enjoy your blow jobs."

"We will!" Carlos called out. "Bye, Logan!"

"Bye, Logan. Call if you need me."

"Maybe tomorrow. Later, buddy."

Stopping the car at the driveway, Logan waited patiently while the vehicle in front of him unloaded passengers. A petite blonde woman in a pink dress stepped between his car and the one in front of him to cross to her own waiting automobile, Logan's eyes narrowing when he recognized her; sure enough, James followed in her wake, and Logan couldn't take his eyes off the tall, lithe body.

"Why. Why are you everywhere? Why do you torture me?"

Logan watched James kiss her cheek before she lowered herself into the driver's seat, his gaze full of jealousy and hatred for this woman who was everything James wanted. He'd never been one to feel emotions of that kind before meeting James, and he decided he didn't like this side of being open to feelings.

He waited for James to round her car to climb into the passenger's seat, but instead James closed her door and waved, then doubled back toward the building. He stopped dead in his tracks halfway across the front of Logan's car, their eyes meeting through the windshield and time seeming to stand still the way it did when James kissed him. When James stood frozen even after the car in front of Logan was taken away, Logan mouthed, "Get in."

Desire flooded hazel eyes, making them more brown than green, and Logan's breathing quickened when James got moving to wrench the door open and take the empty seat. As soon as he was buckled in, Logan checked his mirrors and glanced back to make sure no one was behind them, then got the car out to the street again and drove.

James could have asked where they were going. He could have asked what happened to Logan's date. He might even have wondered why Logan had returned to the restaurant, but Logan knew why he didn't ask any of those questions—he already knew the answers. Instead of speaking, James reached out a hand to rub the back of Logan's neck, the touch continuing until they were pulling into the parking lot of the hotel and Logan was on the edge of orgasm. Tonight he'd be willing to bet James' theory about coming without direct stimulation of the organ was one hundred percent correct.

* * *

It was beginning to feel like habit now, checking into a hotel for the night in a state of arousal while James stood so close Logan could hardly breathe. The last time there had been no panic, just need, and this time was no different except that the need was magnified a thousandfold. As the elevator was occupied by other riders, they were forced to wait until behind closed doors, but once they were inside a room all bets were off.

James barely got the light switch up before Logan was on him, both of them groaning as they kissed and James was pressed roughly back against the door. It only made James hotter so that he fumbled with Logan's clothing while they continued to kiss. Logan was naked and stepping out of his pants when James started to shrug out of the blazer, Logan stopping the movements to reach into an inside pocket for what he knew was there, and James moaned into his mouth in anticipation.

After that, Logan allowed James to strip out of the shirt and jacket while he bent to his knees to work on the bottom half. For a few seconds he was tempted to tease James through the boxers, but impatience won out and he tugged them down greedily, slipping off James' shoes and socks when that was done. James slid to his knees as well, shoving Logan onto his back to pick up the kiss that neither wanted to end, and Logan was ready to go at it on the carpet when James suddenly gasped, "You smell like that whore. Did you fuck her?"

"What if I did? It's not like you haven't fucked a thousand women since you got here."

It was the first words they'd spoken to each other since Logan had commanded James to get in the car, and it wasn't at all how he'd intended this night to progress at the time. Aggression made him lash out, though, in a manner completely unlike his normal demeanor.

"Just tell me, Logan," James panted.

"No! I wanted to and I couldn't! Are you fucking happy?"

James' reply was a kiss that didn't answer the question either way, but Logan did nothing to discourage it. Instead he pushed James up and away long enough to stand, dragging him toward the bed while pulling him close for another kiss as they moved. This time it was James under Logan, who had no problem getting the condom on this time and worked open the tiny tube of lubrication carefully. Logan had no idea what he was doing, but figured it out and knew James would correct him should he fumble it. He coated his fingers before sliding two in, James writhing under the touch.

"Just like that," James breathed, arching into it. "Don't be afraid, you won't hurt me. Kiss me."

Logan continued to move his fingers while dragging James up by the hair, James shuddering as their lips met.

"Logan, Jesus, just..." James reached down to stroke Logan, who was more than ready and thrusted into the grip. "Fucking love that you're so crazy for this. For me."

"I hate it. And I can't wait anymore."

"Don't," James panted, guiding Logan closer so that he removed his fingers and replaced them with what they both wanted most.

As they did each time, they held the first thrust, Logan buried in James as the noise faded away and peace settled over him. It was such relief it almost brought tears to his eyes after so much pent-up frustration during the previous few weeks. "Why doesn't anything else feel like this?" he asked softly.

James didn't answer, instead starting a rhythm that Logan intensified until he was moving like a jackhammer, James crying out with encouraging sounds as Logan panted into his mouth. There were no more words as they climbed higher, James releasing first and Logan soon after, his ecstasy such that when he came down, tears did gather in his eyes. All of his anger toward James faded as mental exhaustion set in, that crash after weeks of being wound up so tight he could hardly sleep through the night.

James held him close when he collapsed onto the broad chest and asked, "Promise me you won't leave without saying goodbye?"

"Not this time. I promise."

That made Logan smile. "Wake me up later for more?"

"Yes, but I'm starting to think you have a problem. There are people who get addicted to sex, you know. Like drugs and alcohol. Or gambling. Maybe you have a problem, Logan."

Logan slapped James' side lightly, laughing into his chest. "Shut up." He closed his eyes to sleep, safe in the way he only was in this place, but his mind wouldn't shut off for once. There were too many unanswered questions.

Sensing that Logan was still awake ten minutes later, James asked, "So she's not the lucky bitch?"

"No. I wanted her to be."

"What's so great about her?"

"Nothing, apparently. I mean, she's great, she's just...not for me."

"Yeah."

"Is Amy your mystery girl that was waiting for you out here?"

"You know her name?"

"She's famous, James. Everybody knows her name."

"Right. Well...no. She's not."

"Really? I thought maybe she was, since you've seen her twice."

"She's not."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Are you really?"

Biting his lip, Logan shrugged. "I want you to be happy. I understand why you had to leave everything behind, and I don't resent you for that. You deserve to be happy, James, and if she's the one that's going to make you that way, then I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"It's okay. The time isn't right. I'm too busy to date anyway. I booked another movie; we start shooting right after Thanksgiving."

"What about the T.V. show?"

"For a few weeks, I'll have to do both. Luckily the movie has a lot of night shoots, so the director was able to fit me into those while I'm doing the show during the day."

"That's a lot to handle, James. You're going to run yourself ragged."

"At least I'll be busy. And busy's the best way to be."

"I actually agree with that. I think my problem is I'm not busy enough. There's still too much time to think."

"Yeah, the goal is to get rid of thinking time."

"But when will you sleep?"

"I should get at least four hours a night. Probably closer to five, if we wrap the film on time each night. And I'll have weekends off of both."

"Is this a bigger role for you?"

"Yeah, actually. Supporting actor. I still can't believe they liked me enough for that, but my agent booked me the audition and I did the rest."

"That's fantastic. I never asked, how did you find an agent when you were still living in Minnesota?"

"Oh, well I answered this ad online. It was a new company looking for fresh talent. When he took me on, he only had two other actors he was working for and warned me that it wouldn't be easy to get good gigs until he'd made a bigger name for himself."

"Why would you go with him, then? I would've expected you to wait for a big-name firm."

"Well, he wasn't asking for money upfront, that was part of it. I gave him some anyway, even though he said I could pay him after making some of my own."

"James..." Logan frowned, not finding any sense in that. "Why would someone agree to work for you without pay?"

"He'd get paid eventually."

"Not if you didn't book anything."

"Yeah, but...I can't explain it. Once I talked to the guy on the phone, I knew he was the one to handle my career. He cared. And that's rare, because most agents just see you as walking dollar signs. But this guy...he wanted to know about me and what my plans were and how I intended to make them come true. He said I had the heart for it, and the drive. Just like you did."

"So there _was_ someone else who believed in you."

"But Logan, he didn't know my background. He didn't know where I was coming from and what I'd been through. You knew all of that, knew all of my demons, and you still believed in me."

"I saw something special," Logan agreed. "He must have, too."

"Yeah. He's this little guy, looks like he'd be someone's nutty uncle but he has a way of talking to people that they just trust him. It's weird. I've seen him with other high-powered agents and he looks so out of place but he gets in there and talks the talk, manages to intimidate them by being nice. I don't know how he does it, but he's incredible. Can talk anyone into anything. I don't regret my decision to go with him."

"Why did you give him money upfront, though? If he didn't need it?"

"Because he did. He was working a part-time job when I first signed on with him, the agency was his dream. He said he barely made enough from that job to support himself and his daughter, but-"

"Say no more. I completely understand now."

"What?"

"He has a little girl, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So that's why you gave him money upfront. In case he needed it for her."

"He wasn't gonna admit it if he did, Logan. He's proud."

"Which you can identify with. Suffer in silence, right?"

"Oh, listen to Mr. Astrology-Is-Crap."

"You want to hear something funny, James?"

"Hmm?"

"My dad's a Taurus. Just like me."

"Aha! See? It's not all crap."

"I admit to nothing."

"You just did, babe. Can't take it back."

"Fine," Logan sighed, deciding he liked the new nickname.

They didn't speak for a while after that, both comfortable and at peace. When Logan started to relax toward sleep, James placed a kiss to his hair and asked, "Why couldn't you sleep with her?"

"That's a good question," Logan answered lightly. "I was certainly turned on enough."

"You were?" Surprised, James ran a hand down Logan's back before wrapping both arms around him again. "She turned you on?"

"I never said that. _She_ didn't." Logan waited for the implication to sink in and added, "I'm thinking I need to try a guy next. Maybe the guy in my English class."

Though Logan felt James' stomach muscles clench under him, what James finally said was, "That's a good idea. You probably just aren't into girls."

Logan's eyes closed against the pain wanting to break free; it _was_ time to let go. He'd said it hoping for a protest from James, some kind of sign that James had reconsidered their relationship and decided he couldn't live without it or live with the thought of Logan with someone else. It was never going to change, even though there had been moments tonight when Logan stupidly thought maybe it was starting to.

"I'm sorry," James whispered. "I never meant to hurt you."

Logan nodded, the tears breaking free to spill onto James' chest. James held him as he cried and placed soft kisses where he could reach.

"This was never supposed to happen, I didn't...I can't..."

"I know," Logan choked out. "I get it. I just wish you'd never shown me how to feel."

"I'm sorry," James said again, Logan knowing that he was. "I don't know what else to say."

"There isn't anything. Just don't leave before morning. If you don't want to see me again, I understand, just...stay with me. Give me one good night's sleep."

"I promise," James agreed, and Logan felt better because if James promised something, it would happen; he was careful to never promise things that he couldn't fulfill. "I won't let go until morning."

True to his word, James held Logan until he was cried out, then stayed in place while Logan fell into an exhausted sleep. He dozed off and on, cuddling Logan close each time he woke and moving away only once to grab what he needed from the blazer when Logan made his needs known during the night.

Their lovemaking was slow and steady, neither in a rush to move on to the next moment in time, and when that was done they both slept more deeply in each others' arms.

It was James who woke Logan early the next morning, not to say goodbye but to say hello for the last time. This time Logan begged for James to answer a question he'd asked long ago, and though James was hesitant he complied, more gentle than ever as he showed Logan what it felt like to have someone moving inside him. The pain was worse than Logan had expected, but it worked like nothing else ever had to silence his mind and make him feel alive. He welcomed the jarring sensations that eventually faded into a numbing pleasure, riding James faster until he came with a howl that sent James over the edge.

"Can we at least have breakfast together?" Logan whispered as they were sinking closer to sleep, him once again stretched out over James and wrapped up tight.

"I'd like that. But...I don't know. We'll see. It's just..."

"I know. When we say goodbye, it really is for the last time."

James' reply was a kiss to Logan's hair.

"I can't help it if you keep showing up at my dad's place. You know I eat there regularly."

"I'll stay away," James promised.

Logan sighed, emptiness already flooding in even though he knew that without James' repeated presence in his life, he stood a better chance of moving on.

* * *

Around eight, Logan woke to find James was still asleep and breathed out a sigh of relief; he hadn't snuck away. He knew it when James' eyes opened, even though in his current position he couldn't see James' face, and though James said nothing he rested his lips against Logan's hair. Neither spoke, thoughts heavy as they laid together for the last time and Logan wishing they could stop the hands of time.

Wasn't that a line from the song James had played on the road to Mesquite? Logan thought back now, the song coming to him as if he'd heard it a hundred times but after one listen it had imprinted himself firmly into his brain.

 _And in the morning I'll be gone away_

 _All the things I left behind_

 _If you need me I'll come night or day_

 _Let's stop the hands of time_

Yes. That was it. Still as true as it ever was, though Logan knew he could no longer count on James coming when he was needed; that part of their friendship was over as well. Panic started to creep in but he fought it down—he would survive, and that was one good thing James had shown him.

There were so many others that Logan would never forget.

When James did finally open his mouth, he spoke the words Logan was dreading. "I need to go."

Forcing himself to be strong, Logan nodded against James' chest. He kissed it once, the spot that months ago had boasted a bruise the size of a fist and now only housed James' heart.

"Logan, I'm so sorry."

"James..." Blinking back tears, Logan moved away to sit up. "As much as it hurts right now, I'm not sorry. I don't want you to be. You taught me how to live and I'll never regret that, even when I'm looking back and missing you. You never promised me anything; I knew it wasn't meant to last. Go live your life. Make your dreams come true. That's why we're here, right?"

James swallowed, unable to meet Logan's eyes.

"Make me proud. Do what makes you happy."

Sitting up slowly, James dipped in for a lingering kiss. "You're going to be the best husband to someone someday."

"I'm done with girls. Moving on to the other side."

"And you'll marry him, because that's what you do. You commit. You're in it for the long haul."

"I am," Logan nodded. "And I guess he's out there somewhere, the man who will commit to me."

James bit his lip before suggesting, "Don't be in such a hurry, Logan. Focus on school, make your own dream come true."

"Oh, I will. It's still my priority. I just...don't want to do it alone anymore."

After licking his lips and looking as if he wanted to say more, James instead scooted off the bed and picked up his clothes before closing himself away in the bathroom. Logan knew he should get up and do the same, but he couldn't bring himself to move. Still sitting against the headboard, he pulled the blankets up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his knees as if to ward off cold.

James emerged from the bathroom fully dressed, the blazer hanging over his arm. He'd used his ever-present comb to do the best he could with his hair, and Logan was amazed that he'd done a more-than-passable job on it. "You always manage to look good."

Smiling softly, James shrugged. "It's a gift. Are you..."

"What?"

"Are you gonna be okay, Logan?" James started to approach the bed, then stopped halfway there as if afraid to get too close. "Call Kendall if you need to, he'll-"

"Yeah. Kendall's always there for me."

The words affected James like a slap, but after a moment he nodded—it was true. "Just take care of yourself."

"You do the same. I know you'd rather not see me again, but if you ever need a friend or just someone to talk to..."

James seemed to melt this time. "Thanks. Goodbye, Logan."

"Goodbye, James."

They shared one last look, James turning away when Logan's eyes started to tear up. In less than five seconds, he was gone.

Logan closed his eyes, fighting the temptation to let himself cry. It was time to be strong, and the more he cried over James, the-

A knock on the door had his head shooting up, wild hope replacing the tears. He struggled with the cocoon of blankets and shot out of the bed to wrench the door open, forgetting that he was naked, forgetting everything except that James was on the other side of the door.

There was no time to worry about that, anyway, because James was backing him into the room and lifting him off his feet, the door closing behind them as Logan wrapped his legs around James and kissed him desperately. The blazer had fallen to the floor, James letting it go to hug Logan closer as they kissed, and there was a sound from James that Logan had never heard before, something like a sob mixed with a moan; it was a sound that matched the desperation Logan felt as their tongues danced together and James' hands got lost in Logan's hair. "Drive me crazy," James panted, Logan's heart victorious because he'd heard those words before and if nothing else, he knew James craved him just as badly as he always craved James.

Logan lowered his legs to the floor and backed toward the bed, dragging James with him, and he almost succeeded in pulling James down before James broke away with his chest heaving and fire in his eyes. He shook his head, the unspoken apology in his touch when he cupped Logan's cheek one last time. Logan closed his eyes against the second goodbye, not wanting to see it, and when he opened them again it was to see the door closing to usher James out of his life for the last time.


	24. Chapter 24

The second meeting between Logan and James was one neither Kendall nor Jonathan heard about. There was no reason to bring it up, as it was going to lead to nothing, and Logan spent the weekend nursing his broken heart in order to complete what he'd begun earlier in the week-the conscious act of getting over James.

Monday he repeated the process of scoping out possible dates, this time of the male persuasion. While he was in no hurry to find something serious (which would have probably surprised James to know), the sooner he knew for sure that his issue with Suzi had been her sex, the better; at least if he could enjoy kissing a guy, he'd know he was heading in the right direction when he met someone worth pursuing seriously.

There were classmates he found attractive enough, but of course none of them got his heart beating the way the longer-haired leather-clad young man in his English class did. At first he was hesitant to date someone who reminded him so much of James, but finally decided that perhaps that was the only way to be successful with it. If he couldn't forget James (and he'd tried time and again), maybe he could use that to his advantage so that the physical attraction was already in place, thereby winning half the battle.

His mother was ecstatic to hear that he'd ventured out on a date with a girl, though disappointed it hadn't led to anything more; still, she praised Logan for having the guts to step out for even one evening, and when Logan shared that he had in fact kissed Suzi, she squealed with joy. Her reactions made Logan feel guilty for hiding so much of his previous experiences from his mother, but he wasn't going to break James' trust and also felt a discussion of that sort shouldn't occur over the phone.

It took a long conversation with Kendall to boost Logan's courage enough to approach the student in his English class, and when he did so on the Tuesday of that week, panic flooded him at the realization that he had no idea if the unknown stud had any leanings to the same sex. After surrounding himself with James and Kendall, bisexuality seemed almost natural now, and he'd already walked to the guy's desk at the close of class when the thought occurred to him.

 _What if he's not even into guys?_

While packing up his books, the student glanced up to see Logan standing over him like a deer caught in headlights. He wore the leather jacket, his hair darker than James' and his eyes a lighter green, but his appearance enough like James that Logan's heart jolted.

"Hey. Logan, right?"

Logan nodded, mentally clawing for bravery and hearing two voices in his head, one belonging to Kendall and one to James, both of them encouraging him to do this. "Y-yeah. Hi."

"Hi." The smile was politely curious. "What's up?"

"Uh..." _Do this, Logan. Make them all proud. Start living._ "I...the assignment. You didn't seem happy with your grade and I wondered if maybe..."

Comprehension dawned in the green eyes. "Are you offering to help me study?"

"Well...I mean, I don't want to step on any toes or anything, I just thought maybe if you needed help..."

"Honestly? I could use a lot of help. My biggest problem is formatting essays. I know what I'm trying to say, just not how to get my point across. And my paragraphs tend to ramble and that's what a lot of the professor's comments are about, the fact that I can't wrap up an idea or-"

"I get it." Smiling and feeling a bit more calm, Logan nodded. "Have you decided on a topic for the research essay?"

"No. I hate everything on the list. I don't even know where to start."

"Would you like some help with that?"

With a nod of dark brown hair, he replied, "I'd love some. Want to go grab lunch with me?"

Logan swallowed, victory bringing a grin to his face. "Yeah. I'm Logan."

Laughter greeted the statement. "Yeah, I know. Hi, Logan. I'm Jason. Nice to meet you."

* * *

Logan quickly discovered that his fears had been groundless—after a lunch in which Jason tossed out a few flirty comments that were reminiscent of James, he invited Logan back to his dorm so they could work in a quieter atmosphere. Enough time spent with James had Logan easily seeing through the seemingly innocent invitation, and second thoughts assuaged him on the walk to Jason's dorm. What was he doing? Was he really going to kiss a total stranger?

 _You did the same with Suzi. You basically did the same with James. This is what you wanted, to know. You need to know that you can do this, that it isn't just James who does it for you. Let the man kiss you._

As James had been heavy on his mind all day, and Jason resembled him just enough, Logan was already slightly heated by the time they were closed away in a messy but simply decorated dorm room. They sat on Jason's bed and studied the list of essay topics together, Logan asking Jason questions about his interests to narrow down which would be best for him, and then Logan gave him a crash course in research techniques and how to format paragraphs in a way that got his point across. Jason seemed to absorb the information fairly easily, writing a sample paragraph for Logan to critique, and Logan deemed it passing before giving more pointers.

It wasn't until they'd completed a second paragraph that Logan realized Jason had moved extremely close to him; his focus on the task at hand had made him oblivious to what he now understood was a low-key advance. His chest tightened, hands growing clammy, but he forced himself to lean closer instead of moving away even though his mind was screaming at him to get out, that this wasn't right and he was better off living the rest of his life without another touch or kiss. His earlier hint of desire had fled the scene to leave him afraid, but when he remembered James' suggestion that he do this, it emboldened him; there was no need to hold out for James, because James had no intention of ever seeing him again.

Sadness crept in, but before it could take hold, Logan gave himself a mental shake. He was done yearning for something that would never come to pass. Jason's fingers brushed over the back of his neck and Logan shivered, the memory of James doing the same heating him just enough to push him into action. Praying he hadn't been misreading Jason's signals, Logan lifted his mouth to cut Jason off in mid-sentence, Jason surprised into a smile before kissing him back in a way that told Logan he'd been hoping for this exact outcome.

There was no taste of lipstick this time, no cloying perfume or tiny fingers playing at his shirt as they kissed. It was the same aggression he'd loved in James, the hands roaming up his back, the strong arms lifting him to straddle slim hips, and with his eyes closed Logan could almost believe it was James again. His body started to respond, but only for a few seconds before it shut down as his brain kicked in to tell him every single thing that was wrong with this kiss, with this man, with this moment. Logan fought his mind anyway, kissing Jason harder, but it suddenly played dirty and dropped an echo into his head that shook him to the core.

" _And that's what I want—someone who completely blows everyone else away so much that I can't even look at anyone anymore. And I want that person to feel the same way about me."_

" _I want something that lasts, something that consumes me so much that I can't think about anything else."_

That was exactly what happened when Logan kissed James—he was incapable of thinking about anything else. As Jason's mouth tried to invade his, Logan realized what was missing in this kiss—the peace. The noise hadn't even been muted this time, and maybe that was because he didn't know Jason very well, or maybe it was because James just knew how to kiss in a way that wiped all thought from Logan's head; maybe it was a talent James possessed that Jason didn't.

 _Or maybe you're just in love with James and no matter who you kiss, it will always be him you want. Maybe you just have to learn to live with that. You're a Taurus, you're in it for the long haul._

Wrenching himself away from Jason, Logan scooted off him and onto the mattress. "I'm sorry."

"What's wrong? I thought you wanted-"

"I thought I did, too. Jason, please forgive me. Or don't, I wouldn't blame you."

"What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing," Logan sighed, resting his head in his hands. "I just got out of a serious relationship and thought I was ready to move on. I'm not. I'm sorry." It was close enough to the truth.

"Oh. So...wow. This is awkward."

"I'm so embarrassed. Jason...I'm so sorry."

"Hey, shit happens. He must've been something. Or was it a she?"

"No. He. It wasn't my choice to end it. I should go."

Jason nodded, watching Logan scoot off the bed. "Thanks for the help. If you can face me again, I really do need it."

"Yeah." Logan cleared his throat, picking up his backpack and finally bringing himself to look at Jason. How had he ever thought the guy looked like James? The hair was wrong, the eyes too light, the nose missing that little curve at the tip, his teeth not as bright when he smiled. What Logan had to face was that there would never be another James in his life. "We can do this again. Well, not _this_ , but...you know."

"Yeah," Jason chuckled. "Can I ask you something, though?"

"You can, but I don't guarantee I'll answer."

"Why me?"

Biting his lip and feeling guilty, Logan admitted, "You look a little like him. I think I just missed him."

"So he's a handsome guy, huh?"

Logan laughed, the comment surprising him. "Maybe you act a little like him, too."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jason teased, causing Logan's heart to jump into his throat.

Maybe he'd been too hasty in his decision. "Can I just...?"

"What?"

Logan leaned in for another kiss, Jason allowing it, and this time he gave it a full minute before pulling back with a sigh.

"No?" Jason asked.

"No. I tried. I was really hoping."

"It's okay. I mean it, though, about the help. I'm in danger of flunking this semester, so if there's any way you can-"

"Absolutely. I owe you that much, right?"

"Yes. You do. Okay, not really, but we'll pretend you do."

"Deal," Logan smiled. "Thanks for not hating me."

"I can see you're hurting. No chance of reconciliation with him?"

Logan shook his head, blinking rapidly. "I'll see you in class Thursday, okay?"

"Sure. Maybe we can do dinner. Just a study dinner, I promise."

"That sounds good." Feeling awkward, Logan opened the door and lifted a hand in a wave. "Take care."

"You, too. And if you ever need a listening ear, you know where to find me."

"Thanks, Jason. I appreciate that."

As Logan trudged to his own dorm, head down, he thought of his own listening ear and wished Kendall was here to promise him things would be okay. Would Kendall be proud of him for trying or disappointed in him for failing?

And what of James? Would James again say he was sorry, that he'd never meant to hurt Logan? Probably.

Or maybe he'd secretly be glad that Logan couldn't move on.

 _Nobody measures up, eh? I could've told you that. I'm just that good._

Hearing the voice as if it was just behind him, Logan shook his head. He'd never known it was possible to hate someone as much as you loved them.

* * *

By the time Kendall called later that evening, Logan had come to terms with his feelings and thrown himself into schoolwork for a few hours. He'd turned down Andrew's invitation to join him for dinner, knowing Kendall would be free soon, and when the buzzing of the phone interrupted his concentration, Logan closed his textbook in relief.

"Hey!" Kendall greeted him. "How'd it go?"

"How was practice?"

"Practice was fine, don't avoid the question. I'm home now and relaxing while Carlos makes dinner, so I'm all yours."

"His ankle's healed nicely, then?"

"It still hurts him if he pushes it, but it's a lot better. Enough about my boyfriend, tell me about yours. Did you ask that guy out?"

"Sort of. I offered to help him with an essay."

"That is so you," Kendall replied, with an almost audible eye roll. "But he said yes? You're gonna get together?"

"We already did. We worked on it after lunch."

"After lunch? Logan, you actually ate a meal with him?"

"Yes, and I did that with Suzi as well, so shut your mouth. I'm not a complete social failure."

"I've been telling you that for years. Lunch and then studying? Sounds cozy. Is he into guys?"

"Yes."

Kendall was surprised into momentary silence. "You sound positive about that. What happened?"

Logan stood from his desk to stretch before replying. "We went back to his dorm. To study."

"Riiiiiight," Kendall grinned. "And did you study?"

"We did."

"And then?"

"And then..." Searching for the right words, Logan reclined onto his bed. "I kissed him."

"You...wait, what? You kissed him? _You_ kissed _him_?"

"I did."

"Holy shit, Logan. Carlos! I owe you ten bucks!"

Logan's jaw dropped. "You bet against me? What kind of best friend are you, Kendall?"

"One who knows you very well. I know you're still hung up on James, because you don't let things go easily. I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him."

Logan's reply to that was a deep sigh.

"So? You kissed him?"

"I did."

"And?"

"And...I'm still hung up on James."

"I was afraid of that. Logan..."

"I know what you're gonna say, okay? I have to let him go and move on. He's made it clear he doesn't want anything with me, and I need to move on and live my life. But I tried. I went out with a girl, I made out with a guy, and nothing worked. I still miss him and I still wish he was here right now to tell me he's madly in love with me. And who ever thought I'd say something like that?"

"Wow. He really got his claws deep into you."

"You have no idea," Logan mumbled. "I don't even recognize myself anymore, Kendall. I picked up a guy today. _Me._ Who the hell am I?"

"Someone who's lonely. And look, I'm not gonna push you. You got out there and tried, and now at least you know you can do it. When the time is right and you meet the person you're meant to be with, you won't have any problems forgetting about James."

"Promise?" Logan asked, the hated tears he'd come to know far too well creeping in.

"When it's right, you'll know it."

"Kendall...the thing is..."

"Yes?" Kendall prompted when Logan didn't continue.

"It feels right with him. Every touch, every word, every look he gives me. In a matter of days, I completely lost my heart. And after trying to get over him for months, I finally realized today that it's just not going to happen. I'm in this for the long haul, which I guess means I don't move on."

"Logan, I'm not gonna watch you wither away over some asshole that doesn't deserve you."

"How do you know he doesn't deserve me?"

"If he did, he'd be with you right now. You need someone who cares about you, who misses you when you're not around, who knows what you're thinking before you even speak. That doesn't happen overnight, or even in the two days you spent with him."

"What if it does?"

Kendall sighed. "Okay, I'm gonna be honest here. And I'm not saying any of this to hurt you."

Logan closed his eyes, dreading what would probably be news of James engaged to some bimbo. "Is he still dating Amy?"

"Who, James? I don't know. I don't care. What I care about is you, and the fact that it's natural you fell for him in that situation. We've talked about this."

"I know."

"And the truth is you didn't know any better. You hadn't been around anyone else besides me, so being that close to him, and with him being so flirtatious, it was easy for you to fall. He's the first guy to really show any interest in you, even if it was just a game to him. I know that's hard to hear, but if it was anything else, he wouldn't have cut you out of his life the way he did."

"He's more than you think he is. I don't argue that I might have been a game to him at one point, but I'll never believe he doesn't care about me. He's shown it enough for me to know that he cares for me more than he's comfortable with."

"Then where is he? Why isn't he calling to check up on you? Why doesn't he call me up to see how you're doing?"

"I don't know, he probably doesn't have your number anymore. I'm not saying he wants to keep in touch with me, I'm just saying that he does care. If he didn't, I could wash my hands of him. But I know his heart, Kendall. I've accepted that he'll never date me seriously, and I've accepted that he doesn't want what I have to offer, but I will never believe I was just a game to him. Not at the end."

Logan could feel Kendall struggling with an answer to that. "What exactly happened at the end?"

"He cares. He may not want to, but he does. All of this is beside the point, though."

"Just what is the point?"

"That I'm okay with it. I was hurting a lot, and I miss him every day, but I'm just not ready to go out and replace him yet. If I can't have him, I don't want anyone. Probably not for a long time. And that's fine. I have good memories of him and that's all I need."

"Logan..." Kendall struggled again. "I just don't want to see you deny yourself a life because of someone who doesn't see how amazing you are."

" _...some bitch is gonna be really lucky one day."_

Logan smiled at the memory. "He knows," he said softly. "I'm just not what he wants right now. And the truth is, I need to focus on school anyway. That was the plan all along. So...I guess this is for the best."

"I can tell you don't really believe that."

"I'm working on it. Maybe by this time next week, I will. Either way, I've learned that I don't want to date anyone else. It's James or nothing, and since it can't be James, then it's nothing. I'm used to being alone."

"Okay, if that's what—what? Yeah, I'll be right there. Sorry, dinner's ready."

"It's fine. Go eat with your man. And for the record? I'm extremely jealous of what you have with him. But also incredibly happy for you."

"That's because you're a good guy. I'm sorry James didn't see that."

"He never meant to hurt me, Kendall. I'm the idiot who fell in love."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm good. Looking forward to Thanksgiving. You are still coming home, right? With Carlos?"

"We'll be there. I'm excited for you two to meet. He's gonna drive you nuts, Logan."

"Please, after James Diamond? He'll be a piece of cake. You and I can be there for each other when we come clean to our moms."

"You gonna tell yours that you're into guys?"

"I'm more worried about telling her I've been seeing my dad. The rest can wait."

"Okay. Carlos says he's proud of you and promises to make you salsa when we come home."

"Tell him thanks," Logan chuckled. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Logan. Call if you need me."

"Always."

Logan hung up the call feeling better than he had since sharing a bed with James on that first night in Mesquite. Soon after that he'd had to accept that James was leaving his life for good (or so he'd believed at the time), and every day since had been a struggle. He still missed James, he still ached for him, but he knew James was out there living his dream and like he'd told Kendall, he knew James cared for him. Remembering their last parting in a hotel room, when James had rushed back in desperately for one more kiss, Logan knew there was a part of James that had fallen in love, too. It made things easier, knowing he wasn't alone and that somewhere, James kept the memories close and missed him as well—just like they'd promised each other with a silly road game that somehow symbolized each special moment in their lives.

"I'm thinking of something," Logan whispered to the ceiling, wondering what James was doing and if he was thinking of Logan at that moment. "It's beautiful and it's magic and it's the best idea I've ever had in my life. I'm thinking of you."


	25. Chapter 25

A/N-Obviously, music is a big part of this story. I tend to rely on songs a lot to express feelings, so my characters do as well. Hopefully it isn't too boring or annoying! In this chapter, I used Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and of course, James Maslow's cover of "Love Somebody" by Maroon 5. What Logan sees in the video is based on Maslow's actual video, except for the spoken intro-that was made up for the story.

* * *

As Logan had a slew of projects and assignments due before the Thanksgiving break, he was finally able to lose himself in schoolwork as he'd attempted to do from the start. In addition to his own, he aided Andrew, Suzi, and Jason with theirs, and just as James had predicted, he made friends for life in them because of his willingness to help.

Of course no friendship rivaled his with Kendall, and as the days flew by Logan grew more antsy to see Kendall and meet Carlos. It would be a relief to take some time away from this place that was so full of James everywhere; even though he was in a much better place mentally and emotionally, the nights were still difficult because that's when loneliness crept in. He attempted instead to focus on the upcoming trip to see his mother, who he'd missed dreadfully, and have a traditional Thanksgiving in a place that would always be home in his heart.

Jonathan invited Logan for the holiday dinner, and while he declined that invitation due to the plans in Minnesota, he did agree to meet Jonathan's family the Friday before Thanksgiving. Jonathan's wife was just as welcoming as he'd promised she would he, putting Logan at ease within a few minutes of his arrival and causing Jonathan to confess that he'd been concerned Logan would have a difficult time and back out due to panic. Logan admitted there had been nerves that kept him awake for part of the night, mostly due to the fear Jonathan's family would reject him, but that he'd come a long way with James' influence in his life.

That gave Jonathan an excuse to ask about James, and about Logan's love life, Logan explaining that he and James were no longer in contact at all and he'd decided against dating for the time being. He did ask if James still visited the restaurant, and Jonathan stated that as far as he knew, James hadn't set foot in it since the night Logan took Suzi there. Unsurprised, Logan nodded, remembering the culmination of their accidental meetings that night.

He managed to shake off the memories long enough to make it through dinner, where he was introduced to his half-sisters, who had been looking forward to the meeting since hearing they possessed a brother. The thirteen-year-old held off judgment until after dinner, being old enough to perceive that Logan could be a threat to her family unit, but when he made it clear that all he wanted was a chance to know his father, she relaxed. While her anxiety and social issues weren't nearly as debilitating as Logan's and their father's had been, Logan saw hints of it throughout the meal and made a point to offer his phone number before leaving in case she ever needed someone to talk to about anything, or even help on her schoolwork. She took it hesitantly, as if unsure of his motives, but when Logan told her once more before leaving to call anytime, she nodded.

Once he returned to the empty dorm (as Andrew's girlfriend was in town and they were spending the weekend elsewhere), he allowed himself to consciously think about James. In every place he went and in everything he did, James was always at the back of his mind, but it was rare he let the thoughts break through to the surface. The discussion with his father had brought James back to the forefront, though, and Logan laid awake remembering the phone conversation with his mother that James had listened in on. Where had that been anyway? Rock Springs? Yes, it had been just before sushi. Just before he'd taken that picture of James.

Reaching for the phone on his nightstand, Logan unlocked it to stare at the picture he'd made his background the day he'd come to terms with his devotion to James. There was a twinge of pain, but mostly when he looked at James now he was able to smile. Had he known of the picture's place on his phone, Kendall might have asked why Logan would torture himself with it, but Logan did it for two reasons-one, it reminded him that he had the power to be a positive influence in someone's life, and two, James had asked that Logan never forget him.

Lying in a dark dorm room now and knowing James was somewhere in the same city, Logan wondered if he had a place to go for Thanksgiving. Had he even experienced a proper Thanksgiving before moving here? Logan doubted it, thinking back to the wistfulness on James' face during the phone conversation with his mother. Obviously James wouldn't want to go home for the holiday, but maybe Logan could at least meet up with him and buy him dinner.

 _He doesn't want to see you._

That was true, but he'd also set his phone's picture to one of the two of them. That had to count for something, right?

 _That was before your last meeting. Surely he's changed it. He wants to forget you._

 _He'll never forget me. I don't care what Kendall says, he basically promised to remember me and miss me. And that doesn't matter, what does is that I don't want him to spend Thanksgiving alone._

Maybe he already had plans, though. Maybe his roommate was taking him home, or maybe one of his flings would invite him for dinner. Maybe he'd met his mystery girl and was at this very moment making plans to spend the day with her and her family.

The thought both cut him and soothed his fears, but not quite enough.  
 _  
What if he's spending Thanksgiving alone in an empty room and missing his mother, missing the days before things went bad? What if it's enough to sink him into depression? What if..._

A sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, Logan placed a call to Kendall.

"Speak of the devil, I was just about to text you!"

"Really? I was worried I'd wake you."

"Nah, it's Friday. No practice tomorrow, so Carlos and I are up late watching movies."

"Oh, good. How's-"

"Logan!" The word was yelled into his ear, not by Kendall but by an enthusiastic Carlos who had obviously grabbed the phone away. "Less than a week until you meet me, dude! How can you stand the excitement?"

Logan hissed in a breath as if considering before stating, "It's a struggle every day. Some nights I lay here and pray for the time to go faster, and when it doesn't happen, I fall into a depression so deep I can't get out of bed."

After a short silence, Carlos frowned, "You're making fun of me."

"Only a little," Logan chuckled. "In all honesty, I really am looking forward to meeting you. Anyone who can wrap Kendall around his finger the way you have is a very special person."

"Yeah, he calls me that all the time. I'm just never sure if he means it as an insult or a compliment."

Thinking of James, Logan smiled. "Sometimes it's possible for it to be both at same time. You can love someone even when they drive you insane."

"Aww, are you still missing that James guy?" When Logan didn't reply, Carlos added, "Don't be mad, Kendall only told me that you were in love with that guy you drove out to California and that you miss him. Was he like that?"

Logan bit his lip. "Yeah. He was definitely like that."

"Oh hey, Kendall wants the phone back, so I'll talk to you later. And don't worry about hurrying up the conversation, because I'm getting up to make popcorn anyway."

"What does that take, a whole minute in the microwave?"

"Microwave?! Who uses microwave popcorn? I pop it myself and add my own spices. Maybe I'll do that for you when we get together at Kendall's!"

The excitement in Carlos' voice prompted Logan to reply, "That would be great."

"Cool! Okay, okay, here's the phone. Quit pinching me!"

"You torture him, don't you?" Logan asked when Kendall returned to the call.

"He loves it. And he usually starts it himself. But he mentioned James and it reminded me of the reason I was going to text you."

"James? It's about James?" Logan sat up, no longer relaxed. "I was actually calling about James. What's up?"

"Well, a couple of things. I've been doing a lot of thinking about our last conversation and other things you've said about him, and-yeah, thanks, babe. That would be great."

Logan heard a quick smack of lips, remembering the one time James had called him "babe" and suffering intense jealousy for a moment.

"Sorry, Logan. He spoils me. I'm so lucky."

"You are," Logan agreed. "I'm glad you realize that."

"I do. I know I bitch about him, but mostly it's a front. I'd go crazy without him."

"You would. So what about James?"

"Okay, so remember when I said Shelly asks about you every time we talk?"

"Yeah," Logan answered. "Just how often is that?"

"At least once a week. Sometimes more. She always made a point to ask at least once a week, though."

"Why? She hardly knows me."

"My thoughts exactly. I mean, you hung out with us here and there while I was dating her, but she never really got to know you because you wouldn't allow it. You're not exactly a social person."

"I'm aware of that, Kendall."

"Hey, I'm not knocking you for it; I loved you anyway, and you've improved a lot now. How many friends have you made out there?"

"Three. Four if you count my dad. And two of those by trying to date them, but that's just more proof I'm getting better about it. Now enough about that, get to the James part."

"Fine," Kendall laughed. "I was saying that even though Shelly knows you, she never asked about you before you moved away. She's a nice enough person, but not the most sensitive and certainly not one to care so much about someone she hardly knows."

Logan's heart jumped. "And once I met James, that's when she started asking about me? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yes. It could be because James talks about you, but what if she picked up on the fact that he cares about you? I mean, you told me that a thousand times on the phone, so I'm assuming that's true."

"It is," Logan nodded. "No question. He came out that night because he knew I'd need him, and waited around to make sure I was okay. And whenever I had a panic attack, he would hold me until it passed."

"He...you allowed that?"

"Not really. He pretty much forced that on me until eventually I was the one reaching for him when it would hit."

"Ah, Logan," Kendall sighed. "No wonder you fell in love. Why didn't you tell me that before?"

"I don't know. I wasn't proud of the fact that I needed him."

"Who else is going to understand that better than me?"

"I know, I just...I'm sorry. There are some things I'm not comfortable sharing."

Even through the phone, Logan could tell the words hurt Kendall. "I guess considering I didn't tell you about me and Carlos for weeks, I can't be upset about that. But you've never had a problem talking to me about things before, and-"

"There was never anyone else involved before. I have to think about his feelings, too, Kendall. He's a lot more private than you'd imagine."

"Okay, fair enough. So my point here is that James might ask about you sometimes and that's why Shelly does. She probably relays everything I say to him."

Considering that, Logan smirked. "Knowing James, I think it's more likely that he demands she ask about me. He'd want to know I'm okay, because he worries about me. He just doesn't like to admit that."

"But then why wouldn't he just text me and ask directly?"

"Because you might give me his number," Logan answered. "He cut all ties with me the last time we talked, told me he can't see me anymore. I bet Shelly hasn't asked about me once since my date with Suzi, has she?"

"On the contrary, since then she's texted me every day and there's always a point where she asks about you. That's what made me think she was asking because of him; it's every day now."

"He's worried about me," Logan murmured. "He knows he hurt me and he's worried about me. Why is he so stubborn, Kendall? Why can't he just admit that he misses me?"

"You know him better than I do, so I'll let you figure that out. But speaking of that, I was thinking about all of that today and wondering if I should even bring it up, because I know you're trying to move on. But then we were sitting here watching a movie and Shelly texted me something that I think you need to see."

"Oh god, it's not more pictures of him with Amy, is it? I don't want to see that."

"No, it's not pictures of him with anyone. Did you know he sings?"

Logan frowned, blinking a few times. "Doesn't everyone?"

"No, Logan, I mean _sings_. Makes videos and stuff. Or is that one of those things you're not allowed to tell me?"

Gaze narrowing, Logan's body went hot and then cold, then hot again as chills washed over him. "What kind of videos?"

"I'll just link you. That's what I was gonna text, because I didn't know about any of that but Shelly texted me a link to one tonight and I think it might be about you. Of course, I don't really know what he feels for you, but he makes a comment in the video that 'this one's personal' and I mean, it could be about someone else for all I know, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe he does have feelings for you."

Logan licked his lips, eyes falling closed as he carded a hand through his hair. "He uses songs to say what he can't put into words. I've seen him do that before. What's this song about?"

"Just watch it, let me text you. There's another video he has uploaded but I didn't watch that one because you called when we were about to."

"Okay." Trembling now, Logan waited for the message to come through. What if it was a love song? What if it was about someone else? What if it meant nothing?

What if it explained everything he'd put Logan through from the moment they met? It wouldn't be the first time James played a song to get a point across.

Finally he was rewarded with a text containing a link to a video sharing site. "Got it, Kendall. Thanks."

"Are you gonna watch it now?"

"Yeah. I'll call you back."

"Okay, buddy. Like Carlos said, don't feel bad for calling, we don't mind. I know how much this guy means to you."

"Thanks."

Logan ended the call and clicked the link, scooting back against the wall and covering himself with a blanket because he was suddenly shivering. The newest upload was a song called "Love Somebody" that Logan had heard a few times but never really listened to closely. He swallowed hard. Was he really about to torture himself by watching four minutes of James Diamond singing a love song that might be about someone else?

Bracing himself, he hit the play button.

The video was preceded by a videotaped message from James himself, Logan noting that the bangs were now completely gone (or at least swept off his forehead) and that he needed a shave. Then again, he was probably going for an older look and the scruff was attractive even though it wasn't the smooth young face Logan would forever remember falling in love with. James was seated near a dark window and smiling into the camera, causing Logan to immediately wonder who was filming him and where he was. Was it the roommate? Was it his house?

"Hey guys, thanks for watching. I never planned to be a musician, but after my last cover got so many views and I got such great feedback, I figured I'd consider doing it again."

Logan smiled. _Of course you would._ _Anything for that attention you crave._

"I liked this song well enough when it was released but when I heard it again the other day, I knew I had to cover it. This one's personal to me. If you're out there watching right now, I hope it touches you. So...here we go. Enjoy! And let me know what you think in the comments!"

The excited face Logan knew so well appeared, causing him to smile wider while a pang passed through him; he missed that face.

The song began, the video having been filmed separately from the intro, and Logan chuckled when James reappeared on the screen with thumbs up and that gorgeous smile that haunted his dreams. James _was_ happy, and if this video did nothing else for Logan, it proved that to him. That was enough.

Then the scene switched to James playing a keyboard, Logan's jaw dropping. James knew how to play the piano? How had he never told Logan that?

 _There's probably so much you don't know, Logan. So much._ It made him sad to think that, and he wished they'd had more time together to talk about things other than sex and anxiety. And abuse. He wished they'd never had to discuss that at all, because James didn't deserve to live with that pain for so long.

Suddenly the window was back, James sitting on what looked to be a seat built into it, and when he began to sing, chills swept through Logan again.

" _I know your insides are feeling so hollow  
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow  
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover  
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same"_

The performance felt off and James needed some work on his lip syncing skills, but his singing voice was as soothing to Logan as his speaking voice, though a much higher vocal range. It was the words that hit Logan hardest, him holding his breath as he wondered if the song was for him.

The scene then switched to James on a balcony that hung over what looked like the hills above Hollywood, and once he began to sing the chorus, Logan was mesmerized because in this James was sincere; there was no more trying too hard to be a serious singer, just a man singing his heart out to someone, and Logan's breath dried up when the words sank in.

" _I really wanna love somebody_

 _I really wanna dance the night away_

 _I know we're only halfway there_

 _But you can take me all the way_

 _You can take me all the way_

 _I really wanna touch somebody_

 _I think about you every single day_

 _I know we're only halfway there_

 _But you can take me all the way_

 _You can take me all the way"_

Sitting hunched in on himself while holding the phone in one hand, Logan covered his mouth with the other while tears sprung up. It was what James had said he wanted, that love to sweep him away with so much passion, to love someone who loved him in return.

"Fuck," Logan whispered into the blackness relieved only by the light from a tiny screen. "You can have it with me, why can't you see that?"

" _You're such a hard act for me to follow_

 _Love me today, don't leave me tomorrow_

 _But if I fall for you, I'll never recover_

 _If I fall for you, I'll never be the same"_

Logan knew firsthand how that felt-he still hadn't recovered and would never be the same. James had feared commitment, hadn't he? Logan fought his feelings and sex for so long because it was a loss of control, and he'd made the point that he and James weren't all that different when it came to commitment. It made sense that if James had developed feelings for Logan, and he knew that on some level James had, it would prompt James to push him away.

Could it be that simple? He'd cared too much and run from it?

The chorus played as all of these thoughts spun through Logan's head, Logan watching James standing in the middle of a dark street and singing from his heart. It made him wish there was a way to hug James, to hold him close and promise he would keep him safe forever.

The bridge was enough to get Logan desperate for a way to crawl through the screen, or at least to silently vow that he wasn't going to let James run anymore.

" _I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost_

 _I wanna feel like we're never gonna ever stop_

 _I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you_

 _Asking you to stay, you should stay_

 _Stay with me tonight"_

All of that was James' way of saying he was lost and scared and didn't know what to do, and if there was one thing Logan couldn't resist it was a plea for help. What was it James had said to him the first night they'd slept together?

 _You can do this. You're going to._

He'd been firm about it, making it clear there would be no arguments, and that's exactly what Logan was feeling right now. He'd needed James to push and not let up. That was what James needed from him now.

They were doing this.

The chorus rang out again, James really getting into the song now and pleading with all of his heart.

" _I really wanna love somebody_

 _I really wanna dance the night away_

 _I know we're only halfway there_

 _But you can take me all the way_

 _You can take me all the way_

 _I really wanna touch somebody_

 _I think about you every single day_

 _I know we're only halfway there_

 _But you can take me all the way_

 _You can take me all the way"_

After a few heartfelt wails that James looked as if he wanted to bust up into laughter throughout, the song ended on a simple note before James smiled into the camera with a pleased expression. Logan knew that expression and could practically hear James' thoughts: "Yes! Nailed it!"

"Always so full of yourself," Logan whispered, but he'd never been more in love.

He sighed and leaned his head back against the wall, the song running through his mind. It could easily have been one he would've chosen to explain his own feelings the night they'd stopped at a hotel in Mesquite. He'd been lost and scared and half in love, and James had caught him in that freefall to take him through it and see him safely to the other side. Wasn't that Logan's job now?

 _Only if the song's about you. What if it's not? What if he met someone else? Just because he said Amy isn't the perfect mystery girl, that doesn't mean he hasn't met someone else who is. What if he can't see you anymore because he wants to commit to someone and you're holding him back? What if there's another man, one he keeps secret because of his image?_

That was a sobering thought.

Logan glanced at the phone's screen again, this time noting the date it had been uploaded.

 _Today. He uploaded this today. Does it mean anything? He's been having Shelly check in with Kendall every day, I think Kendall was right about that, so he obviously hasn't forgotten about me. I know he still cares._

But then why wasn't he making an effort to communicate? Why would he upload a video that he knew Logan would never see to explain his feelings?

Mind racing, Logan called Kendall. "Hey. You said Shelly sent you this link today?"

"Yeah. She texted it to me."

"What else did she say? Anything?"

"Just the link and that I should watch it. Oh, and she said she was proud of James."

"For the song?"

"I guess. Is it about you?"

"I don't know," Logan sighed. "I want to believe it is, but...how do I really know?"

"You ask him, Logan. Flat-out. Let me get his number from Shelly, and you call him."

"That's what I was originally planning to do, it's the reason I called you in the first place. I don't want him to be alone on Thanksgiving."

"Oh. Wow, really? Were you gonna invite him home?"

"No, I don't think he'd go. But I wanted to at least have dinner with him the night before or something. Just so he knows he's not alone, you know?"

"Yeah. Did you watch the other video?"

Breath catching, Logan blinked. "Oh. I forgot there was another one."

"Watch it. Carlos and I just did and he swears that song has to be about you. He doesn't even know James, but he says it makes sense in your situation. Or that it would if James fell in love with you. But you guys never even...I mean, there was nothing romantic, right?"

Logan bit his lip hard, struggling with himself. He'd promised James.

"Logan?" Kendall prodded, and when Logan continued to remain silent, he swore in an awed voice. "Holy fucking shit. Logan Mitchell, did you kiss someone and not even tell me about it?"

"Kendall, I..."

"Oh my god, you did. What the fuck? How could you not tell me that?!"

"We agreed it would stay between us, okay? I told you, he's very private, and he doesn't even want Shelly to know. I promised I would never tell anyone."

"I'm speechless over here. Not even because you didn't tell me, but because it happened at all. You kissed him? A guy you'd only known two days?"

"Uh...well. When we kissed the first time, I'd only known him a day. But I wasn't in love with him then, it was because I just wanted to be prepared. He kept talking about how I'd get to college and have no idea what I was doing and that I needed to stop being afraid of feelings."

"Logan, I've told you all those things, too! You never kissed me! Whoa, hey, babe, don't look at me like that. I didn't _want_ Logan to kiss me. We weren't like that."

"And that's exactly why I never kissed you, Kendall," Logan interrupted. "You said a lot of the same things, but you aren't him and I never wanted to. I couldn't stop thinking about it with him. I still can't. He kissed me and...I was so scared, but then later it was me who initiated it, I wanted more because...he's perfect, Kendall. So messed up, and so not what I ever expected to fall in love with, but he's everything I need. It was just like you always said, when I found the right person for me, I wouldn't have to force myself into it. I mean, technically I did, but...I wanted it. Not like with Suzi and Jason, with James I wanted it so badly I couldn't even sleep."

"I don't even know who you are anymore, Logan," Kendall teased, Logan grateful that he wasn't angry. "Kissing strangers and hiding things from me?"

"You hid Carlos from me for two weeks!"

"Yeah, I can't argue that. You got me there. But hang on, if you guys kissed that first night, you probably did the second night, too, right? Wait a minute, didn't you stop at a hotel? Logan, holy shit! What happened between you two?"

Knowing it was too late for secrets now, Logan admitted, "Everything. Okay? Everything happened between us. It meant nothing to him, he was just trying to help me overcome my issues, and-"

"Oh, bullshit. If that's all it was, then I'm going to kick his ass. He broke your heart."

"He never promised me anything, Kendall. We both knew it was just for that night and it was never supposed to continue once we moved here. And you can't tell anyone about it, I'm trusting you with this and...oh god, Carlos is right there, isn't he?"

"No, he just left to take a quick shower. I won't repeat it but...Logan...I just don't understand how all of this happened so fast. You're making it sound like it's still going on."

"It's not. I told you, last time we saw each other, he made it clear he couldn't see me again. That's why I'm so surprised that Shelly's been asking about me, because I expected him to completely shut me out of his life."

"You know something, Logan? It doesn't matter how badly you want to shut someone out of your life, or how much you deny it and wish it wasn't real, if you love someone you can't fight it. Look at you. How many times have you tried to get over him?"

"I gave up, though."

"Right, because you finally realized it's not going to work. Jesus, if I'd known all of this before watching those videos...wait. Oh, hold on a second."

"What?"

"The first one. He uploaded that...hold on."

Putting Kendall on speaker, Logan switched back to the video on his phone to check James' media channel. The first video he'd ever uploaded was a song called "I Will Always Love You." The date was the day after Logan met his father for the first time—the day James had left without saying goodbye.

"Logan..."

"I see it. The day after we went to the beach. We stayed in a hotel that night."

"Oh, the secrets you have kept from me. Do you know that song?"

"My mom used to play it when I was little," Logan said, thinking back. "Oh my god. Of course." It was probably on James' playlist, the one containing songs his own mother had once loved.

"Yeah, watch the video. If that isn't about you, then Carlos doesn't love cartoons."

"Okay, I'm going to hang up now. I'll call you back."

Both afraid and anticipatory, Logan clicked to play the only other video James had uploaded to his channel. There was no pre-taped greeting this time, not even any music accompanying him. James sat in front of the same window, appearing solemn but focused, his hair for once not perfectly styled. He wore the clothes he'd been dressed in the night he sent Jennifer home to wait for Logan at the restaurant, and the sun was just bright enough that it had to be early morning. He'd left Logan before six, which would make sense if he sat down to record this a few hours later.

The song was one Logan had heard as a child, his mother singing it while doing dishes or folding laundry sometimes as the radio played. It had to have been released around the time he was born, but it had stood the test of time and was still relatively well-known, though he'd not paid much attention to the lyrics other than the chorus.

This time when James opened his mouth to sing them, Logan listened.

" _If I should stay, I would only be in your way_

 _So I'll go, but I know_

 _I'll think of you every step of the way"_

Logan's vision blurred, the tears hot and sudden while his body was covered with goosebumps. There was no way in hell this song was about anyone else, not on that day.

" _And I will always love you_

 _You, my darling you_

 _Bittersweet memories_

 _That is all I'm taking with me_

 _So goodbye, please don't cry_

 _We both know I'm not what you need_

 _And I will always love you_

 _I hope life treats you kind_

 _And I hope you have all you dreamed of_

 _And I wish you joy and happiness_

 _But above all this I wish you love"_

The title was repeated again and again, James singing over and over the words "I will always love you." Logan was a mess of tears by the time the video ended with a wet-eyed James reaching out to stop the recording, no other words needing to be said—James had always used songs with him.

"You're such an idiot," he sniffed, blindly grabbing for the box of tissues on his nightstand. "You're exactly what I need, you moron. You fell in love and it killed you, didn't it? You got scared. You couldn't face it."

Wiping his eyes and nose, Logan noted that James had quite a lot of views on that video. Most of the comments were from people who had never heard of him but had somehow stumbled across the video, and the general reaction from each was along the lines of, "Wow, you really sang that from the heart. Great job, man."

Closing that app on his phone, Logan texted Kendall. _"Get me his number."_

" _On it. About you?"_

" _It has to be. He's such an idiot. I love him so much."_

" _Go get him, then. He did say he'll always love you."_

That made Logan smile. _"He did. And I'm willing to bet he asked Shelly to send you the new video. It's his way of trying to tell me he wants me but doesn't know how to tell me. Or how to face it."_

A string of numbers suddenly appeared from Kendall, Logan grinning. _"That was fast."_

" _Shelly didn't even question it when I asked for his number. She did say not to tell James she gave it to me, though. So if he asks, you used your mad genius skills to dig it up."_

" _Got it."_ Logan saved the number to his phone, feeling as if he could breathe again. It was a link to James.

" _You calling him tonight?"_

" _I don't know. I have to think about how to approach this. He's skittish, I don't want to send him running."_

" _He loves you. He's not gonna run."_

" _That's exactly why he would run. He's terrified to love someone or trust someone with his heart. He's been through a lot."_

" _Well keep me posted. No more secrets, okay? I won't tell anyone what you told me, not even Carlos. But I expect you to be straight with me from now on."_

" _As long as you do the same. Is he still in the shower?"_

" _No, just got out. I'm thinking we'll skip the movie. He always smells really good after a shower."_

Logan laughed at the last sentence. _"I know exactly what you mean. Go take him to bed and love him. Don't waste a second of the moments you have with him. Cherish them."_

" _I do. Call me if you need me, but give me about an hour first. I'll be busy."_

" _No problem. Thanks, Kendall. For all of this. At least I know he loves me. Or did."_

" _Remember the song, Logan. He'll always love you. Goodnight."_

" _Night."_

Logan couldn't resist watching the videos again, the latest filling him with hope. He stared at the contact page he'd built into his phone, the one that said the name "James Diamond" at the top and sent a thrill through him.

 _Finally. It took three months, but I finally have a way to get to you._

Once the elation wore off and logic returned, the hope began to fade as doubts set in. James hadn't wanted to be found. It wasn't he who sent Kendall the link to that video, but Shelly.

 _Yes, but Shelly probably knows how he feels. She must know him well enough to understand that his need to keep tabs on me means something. Maybe that's why she's proud of him, for finally having the courage to admit his feelings to me and film a video asking for me to make a move because he can't._

Logan remembered the night of their first kiss, when he'd wanted to ask James for it but hadn't been able to and prayed James would make the move. James had. Now it was Logan's turn to take that step, to not let James run.

 _But he will run. He's still terrified. If I call him, he can ignore it. Once he knows it's me, he can block my number and never speak to me again. He asked me to let him go. A phone call is too easy to avoid._

James wouldn't be able to resist him in person, Logan was almost positive. He never had been able to, not from the day they'd met and he told Shelly that he wanted Logan. In person, it would be harder for James to walk away. He'd had to come back into a hotel room just to kiss Logan goodbye the last time. The day they'd first parted ways, he'd had to attack Logan with a kiss as well.

 _Get him alone. Kiss him. He can't resist that. He always said he'd know from a kiss, and maybe that's why he ran away—maybe he knew the moment he kissed me._

But how? How to find James without going through Shelly, who may or may not be willing to help?

" _So if he asks, you used your mad genius skills to dig it up."_

Well. Logan _was_ a master researcher.

It took him all of ten minutes to track down James' address, using the phone number as a starting point. Unfortunately, the web search also turned up a few pictures he could have done without seeing.

While James wasn't well-known enough yet to be photographed on his own, he'd been spotted around town with a handful of actresses who were. One of the pictures had been posted earlier that evening, a shot of James waiting for a car with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

 _Amy. What is this, date number three? That's pretty serious for you, James. Especially after uploading a love song._

And just like that, most of Logan's confidence fled. How could he compare with a woman who had starred in so many movies that she had paparazzi following her every move? What if the song hadn't been about Logan at all, but about her?

" _This one's personal to me."_

The fact that James might be in love with him wasn't a guarantee that James wanted to pursue a relationship. He had, in fact, stated numerous times that he wanted the opposite.

" _...just hold on to the memories, okay? Don't forget me."_

That was all James had ever asked—to be remembered. Not to be pursued or needed.

"I don't know what to do," Logan whispered, staring at the photo of James smiling next to Amy.

 _I don't know what to do_

 _I'm right in front of you_

 _Asking you to stay, you should stay_

 _Stay with me tonight_

And that, really, was all Logan could do. He could ask. If James turned down the invitation, that was answer enough. Logan would know for sure then that the song wasn't about him, had never been, and he could move on.

Or he could live alone for the rest of his life, saving other lives as he'd dreamed of doing for all of his and always remembering the time he'd felt most alive. The prospect wasn't as dreary as it should have been; even the memories of James were enough now that the pain had passed.

He wasn't going to call, as that would give James a chance to run. He wasn't going to show up at his house, because there was a chance Logan was reading too much into these videos and James' plea to stay away still stood. But he had to try, he couldn't live with himself if he didn't take that leap of faith and at least try.

James would be proud of him for taking a risk, right?

 _Make your move, but let him make the choice. If he really doesn't want you, he'll let you know. And if he's mad at you for trying? So what? What have you got to lose, Logan? You won't be any worse off than you are now._

For most of Logan's life, the voice in his head that spoke words like that had belonged to Kendall. This time it was James' voice that spurred him on, because James had become the one to encourage and support him. James had become everything, whether either of them wanted him to or not.

There was one way to contact James that was non-threatening but sure to work, because Logan was positive James read every single comment posted to those videos; he needed to know what people thought of him, craved the accolades. Navigating the website, Logan easily figured out how to create an account of his own. He was mindful of James' wishes for discretion, though, and rather than comment publicly, he chose to send a private message.

Smirking at the username James would be sure to recognize, Logan contemplated what he wanted to say. A simple invitation to dinner? Should he mention that he didn't want James to be alone on Thanksgiving? Should he beg James for a meeting so they could talk? Should he leave his number and hope that was enough?

" _Oh god, Logan, you're so hot when you take charge."_

Suddenly Logan knew exactly what to say. If James was able to resist this, Logan would have his answer and know James wanted nothing to do with him. His message was short and succinct:

" _I don't care what you have planned tomorrow, cancel it. Tomorrow you're mine. 221 N. San Fernando Blvd, Burbank. Be there at noon."_

It was bold and borderline rude, but if there was a hint of the old James behind the sophisticated mane and scruff, that would be enough to get him to the location. James loved being possessed and dominated, or had seemed to, and Logan himself was slightly breathless when he imagined James' reaction to opening that message from a user named Mr. Uptight and Cranky.

When he finally laid down for the night, his phone plugged into the charger but near enough he'd hear an alert come through, Logan closed his eyes with a sense of accomplishment. James might still run, or he might laugh off the invitation. He might even be angry at Logan for being so forward.

But he might also gasp when he read the message, whisper something like, "Logan, fuck!" and groan because the tone turned him on so much that he had to stroke himself to sleep.

"You're mine if you want to be, James," Logan said softly, staring up at the ceiling in his quiet dorm. "Please want to be. I've been yours since the moment you kissed me."


	26. Chapter 26

"I'm nervous."

"Still no answer to that message you sent?"

"No." Logan glanced at the clock on the dash, seeing that it was 11:45 A.M. Pulling into a parking spot in a crowded structure, he shut down the car and took the phone off speaker to continue. "I'm nervous, and this is ridiculous. I've seen the man naked. Brought him to his knees with need. I shouldn't be nervous."

"Well, there's a lot riding on this, Logan," Kendall reasoned. "It's pretty much going to determine the course of the rest of your life."

"Yeah." Relaxing back against the seat after unbuckling the belt, Logan squeezed the bridge of his nose. "You know what's funny? I was nervous the very first time I met him. I was terrified, because he was a person I didn't know and I had to spend a day and a half with him. I hardly feel like that was me living that life. So much has changed."

"I know. I still think you should've just called him. Why give him a choice?"

"Because what if the songs weren't about me? I'm still not completely convinced they are."

"Oh, come on. That first one? Right after he spent the night with you?"

"Maybe, but his feelings might've changed since then. And even if they didn't, the song was his way of telling me he was leaving me and why."

"Yes, Logan, but the new song is his way of telling you he's ready to try."

"Or maybe that one's about Amy. He doesn't do second dates, Kendall. With her, he's had three. She's special."

"She's not you. That's all I'm saying."

Logan inhaled a deep, calming breath.

"Don't. Don't panic, you can do this."

"I'm just afraid he won't show. Or that he will, but just to tell me to leave him alone."

"He could've answered your message online to tell you that. What if he hasn't seen it yet?"

"He has. I know him, he was obsessively checking that account all night. When he wasn't fucking that slut, anyway."

"You know, she's actually a really nice girl. I've seen interviews. Fantastic actress, too."

"You're not helping," Logan growled. "Anyone who touches James is a slut."

"It's so funny to hear you get jealous," Kendall chuckled. "Especially since it's not about me for once."

"Shut up, this is nothing like you. Kendall, I'm so nervous, I spent all night planning this date and what if it was for nothing? What if he doesn't show?"

"Then it wasn't meant to be. Just remember that if he doesn't, it doesn't mean he stopped caring. Just that he can't stand to be around you because he knows he'll probably want you."

"I'd be happy with friendship at this point. We worry about each other, at least then we'd know the other was okay. That would be enough for me."

"You'd still want him."

"Yes, but if he was happy with someone else, I'd deal with it. I told him that once, that if Amy makes him happy, he should be with her."

Making a noise that was almost disgusted, Kendall replied, "You really need to work on your seduction skills. You don't push your crush to someone else, Logan."

"Yeah, well...I'm a nice guy." Logan took another deep breath, closing his eyes. "I don't want to go in there."

"You have to, because Carlos and I are about to leave for the rink."

"Fine," Logan sighed.

"Where are you, anyway? Where did you tell him to meet you?"

"A burger bar. He'll love it, you get to make your own burgers. So it's kind of like playing with your food and creating something all at the same time."

"Sounds like something Carlos would love," Kendall laughed. "He's ready, so I need to go. You gonna be okay?"

"Honestly...I think so. If he doesn't show, then nothing's changed. I'm back where I was yesterday, which was a good place. Letting him live his life while I live mine, and loving him anyway."

"And if he does, you're in a better place. Hopefully his bed."

"Life is about more than sex, Kendall," Logan scolded.

"Don't act like you're not dying to fuck him again."

"Hanging up now. Thanks again for the talk. For all of them."

"Let me know how it goes. If he's horrible to you and you really need me, you can call and I'll leave the rink. I'll keep checking my phone."

"I'll be fine. Bye."

"Bye."

11:52. Logan swallowed and slid the phone into his pocket after checking one last time to make sure there was no answer from James.

 _Please be here. Even if it's just to tell me we're through._

Summoning all his courage and remembering that what he'd told Kendall was true, that it couldn't get any worse, Logan stepped out of the car. The door was two inches from closing when he realized the keys were still in the ignition, and he just barely got his fingers there in time to keep it from slamming shut.

"Ow! Damn!" Sucking on his nearly-squished fingers, he leaned in to grab the keys with his left hand, awkwardly removing them and dropping them into a pocket. Suddenly positive that James was nearby and laughing at him, Logan spun around and scoped out the garage. There was no sign of James, only random shoppers moving to and from parked cars, and he sighed heavily before making his way in the direction he thought the restaurant was.

James would've found it hilarious that he went the wrong way and ended up having to skirt the entire block in order to find the place. Logan could just hear him now.

" _Almost locked the keys in the car and getting lost? You're a wreck without me, buddy."_

That was more true than Logan wanted to admit. He opened the door to the restaurant while glancing at his watch. 11:59.

Heart in this throat, Logan scoped out the inner lobby and the counters where food was ordered. No sign of James anywhere, unless he couldn't wait and started without Logan.

 _He wouldn't do that. He'd wait for me, because deep down he's a gentleman._

Five minutes later, Logan was seated on a bench near the entrance and trying not to panic because James wasn't there yet. He'd been offered help twice, both times explaining that he was meeting someone, but when fifteen minutes had passed he began to accept that James wasn't coming.

 _How long do I give him? What if he's just lost or couldn't find a ride or..._

Logan pulled his phone out for the twentieth time and checked it, but there was no message from James via the video site. There was nothing except the picture of James standing outside a sushi place in Wyoming.

It was torture, but Logan gave him an hour. When his watch showed the time to be 1:05, Logan gave up. Disappointed and hurt even though he'd prepared himself for this eventuality, he blinked away tears as he stood up to head for the door.

 _Goodbye, James. I hope she makes you happy._

The door was pulled open just before he reached it, and Logan stared at his feet while thanking the man who was holding it open for him.

"Wait, you're leaving?! But I just got here!"

His heart stopping, Logan halted as his head shot up, eyes wide with surprise. Of course it had been James holding the door, James who looked as if he'd run all the way with his hair a mess and chest heaving because he was out of breath. He wore sleek black jeans and a white button-down shirt that was open over a gray t-shirt.

"Oh god, you thought I wasn't gonna show. Did you really think I would ignore a message like that?"

Logan opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again, but no words came out.

"You did," James whispered, dragging Logan to him and backing away from the entrance to hold Logan as he trembled. "I'm here. My ride was late, I was so afraid you'd leave and I'm sorry, I should've just taken a cab but-"

"It's okay," Logan managed, face buried in James' neck and peace stealing over him. "You're here."

"I am. What's wrong, is everything okay?" He pushed Logan far enough away to scrutinize his face, hands gripping Logan's shoulders.

"Yeah, it's...a lot. Mostly I just wanted to see you before Thanksgiving. I didn't like the thought of you spending it alone, though you might have plans for all I know. If that's the case, I'm-"

"It's not," James cut in. "I don't. I was invited a few places, but I don't know if I'm gonna go. Aren't you going home?"

"Yes," Logan nodded. "If I thought you'd come back with me, I'd invite you, but-"

"I can't," James interrupted. "I'm sorry, I just can't go back there."

"That's what I figured. So instead I thought we could do this. Lunch, and dinner if you don't mind making a day of it. I know you only came because you thought I needed you, and you were worried about me, but what I'd really like is just a day to spend with you. As friends, if that's what you want. Because...I worry about you, too."

"I know you do," James smiled, thumbs caressing Logan's upper arms. "I'm up for lunch, and...I guess we'll see how it goes from there. I mean, you told me to cancel all my plans, so I did."

Logan swallowed, touched and wondering if there was more to the confession. Rather than put James on the spot, though, he reached up to take one of James' hands in his. "Have you eaten here before?"

"No. Burger place, right?"

"Yes, but it's a special kind of burger place." After James once again held the door for Logan and they were inside, Logan pointed to a row of food prep stations. "Do you know what that is?"

"Whoa. Is it a buffet?"

"Kind of. You order the burger you want and they cook it, then you go over there and fix it up however you want it."

James' eyebrows shot up. "You mean I get to build my own burger? Customize it?"

"Absolutely," Logan grinned, his heart lifting at a sight he thought he'd never see again—James excited over food.

"You fucking know me so well," James laughed, squeezing Logan's hand and dragging him toward the counter.

"Yeah, I figured you might need a break from fancy restaurants and high-class dates. Instead, you just get me in a t-shirt and jeans."

"Please, you know you're the most fun date I've ever had."

Logan leaned back against James, reveling in the feel of arms sliding around his waist. "Actually, I don't think we've ever been on a date."

"No? Ice cream and the beach doesn't count?"

"I don't know," Logan replied softly. "Does it?"

James tensed briefly, then shrugged. "No, I don't suppose it does. It wasn't a planned thing."

"But you knew I'd be there."

"I thought maybe."

They moved up to the counter and ordered, James releasing his grip to pick up the large tray and move to the other end so he could wait for his food. "Of course you order a salad."

"Hey, I ordered a burger, too!"

"But a salad instead of fries. You're gonna regret that, I've heard the fries here are amazing."

"You think all fries are amazing."

"True," James nodded. "Don't worry, I'll share."

"Somehow I thought you might," Logan grinned, stepping close enough to James that their arms were touching. Even that felt incredible, James' presence next to him after so many nights without it comforting.

"Oh, I see how it is. You let me order what you want and think if you get a salad, I'll actually eat something healthy because you'll share with me."

"Damn, you figured out my ploy. You're eating at least three bites of salad."

"Yes, Mommy," James winked, attention suddenly drawn away by the appearance of an enormous patty sitting atop a large bun. "Oh my god, I'm drooling."

"Come on, Mr. Starvation," Logan teased, picking up his own tray and leading James to the buffet-style station laden with produce and condiments. He quickly fixed up his own burger, the same way he'd eaten them all his life, then watched James carefully and artfully craft a masterpiece. He couldn't resist slipping his phone out to snap a picture, leaning over the station to capture an angle that showed James' excited concentration. "You are so adorable."

"Shh, don't throw off my focus. I'm making sure I have everything I need. Whoa, did you see this? Peanut butter!"

"What? Why would there be peanut butter?"

"Some people actually eat that on a burger. Shelly's dad does. He swears it's good, but...oh, what the hell. If this isn't a day to take chances, I don't know what is." James used a spreader to swipe a pile of peanut butter on the side of his plate. "I'll try it. You have to, too."

"Uh, no. I'm not putting peanut butter on a burger. I use mustard and mayo and two pickles. That's all I need."

"So boring," James replied with a roll of his eyes. "You're taking a bite of mine with the peanut butter."

"James, really, this time I'm not comfortable-" He stopped speaking because James had walked away, searching for an empty table. "Why do I bother? He's only going to make me eat it anyway." When he received an odd look from a woman approaching the station, he cleared his throat. "Sorry. Talking to myself."

"They say that's the mark of a genius," she joked, and Logan laughed. He'd never heard that one, but would remember to use it the next time someone made fun of him for it.

It was a moment before he located James, who was watching with arms crossed over his chest as if miffed. After taking the seat across from him, Logan asked, "What's that look for? I thought you'd be devouring your food by now."

"Since when do you flirt with strangers?"

"Flirt with...what are you...oh, the lady over there? Seriously, James?"

"That's what it looked like from here. You were laughing, and you never laugh with a stranger."

Smirking because James was beginning to sound jealous, Logan shrugged. "I've grown a lot. I have three friends on campus now."

"Oh. That's...that's great, Logan. I'm proud of you."

As James couldn't meet his gaze, though, Logan didn't think that was all James was feeling. It gave him hope. "Yeah, there's my roommate, and Suzi...you remember her, I assume?"

"Oh, I remember her," James said darkly, eyes on the plate he was dumping ketchup onto. "You two are friends now?"

"We are. She was really nice about the whole failed date thing. I help her study now."

"Of course you do. Who's the third?"

Answering in a nonchalant tone but hyper-aware of James' body language, Logan answered, "Jason. The hot guy from my English class."

"Ah." That was all James said, but his movements were jerky as he replaced the ketchup bottle and picked up his chocolate shake, sucking it down fast enough that Logan reached out to pull the straw from his mouth.

"Stop that, you'll get brain freeze."

"I'll eat how I want," James snapped, and Logan fought hard to keep from smirking again. Yes, James was absolutely still in love with him, even if he had no plans to do anything about it. Half the battle was already won.

"Eat your burger," he prodded gently, knowing that would help to lessen James' anger.

"Don't rush me." James picked up the huge hamburger and took a large bite, Logan watching his face morph into ecstasy. "Oh my god. Logan. Oh my god."

"Swallow that before you speak."

James did, then hummed. "That's the best burger I've ever eaten in my entire life. You have to try this."

"I really don't want to."

"But I didn't put the peanut butter on yet. Here, take a bite."

Logan protested for all of three seconds before dropping the argument because it was useless; James would force it on him anyway. He managed a smallish bite, grateful James hadn't put onions on it because those made him gag, and nodded in approval. "It's good."

"Good? Are you insane? This is incredible. Scrumdiddlyumptious, even."

"What..." Logan couldn't help but laugh. "What does that mean?"

"Have you never watched the Willy Wonka movie, Logan?"

"Uh...maybe? Actually, no, I don't think I have."

"How? My mom and I watched it like fifty times when I was a kid. I can't believe that your mom, who was so awesome, never watched that with you."

"I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, you are. We're totally watching it. I don't know when and I don't know how, but you and I are going to find a place to sit down and watch it because you missed a valuable piece of childhood."

Logan's heart fluttered but he kept his face neutral; James was promising something, and of course he knew what that meant—it would come to pass. "Well, my roommate _is_ out for the weekend."

"Out where?" James asked around another huge bite.

"His girlfriend's in town, so they got a motel room. They wanted alone time."

"Ah," James said again, the simple word quickly becoming maddening to Logan because he had no idea what it meant. Was James open to the invitation or not?

"So, if it's that big a deal I watch it, we can do that tonight. As long as you don't have somewhere to be."

"How late can I stay on campus?"

"Stay in my dorm and they'll never know."

One of James' eyebrows quirked up. "Logan Mitchell, are you suggesting we break the rules?"

"Depends. Are you interested?"

The teasing suddenly dropped away, both of them staring at each other intensely because they knew what would happen if James stayed with Logan overnight in a place with a bed.

"We'll see how it goes," was all James committed to.

Logan nodded, remembering that he'd answered the last invitation to stay for breakfast in a similar manner. It probably wasn't going to happen. "James..." he started.

"Not yet. Please, Logan, let me have fun just spending time with you and eating this fantastic burger before we get to the heavy stuff."

Both more relaxed and nervous by the words, as they at least suggested James would be willing to talk things out, Logan nodded again. "I think we _need_ to talk."

"We do," James agreed. "I just...don't really know what to say right now. I'm hoping I'll figure it out by the time I have to leave."

"You know, you don't...have to leave."

"Well, I can't stay in your dorm room forever, can I?"

"No," Logan chuckled, "I just meant in general. You don't have to leave, James."

Hearing the meaning behind the words, James nodded. "I know. I'm still figuring things out."

"Okay. I don't mean to pressure you. Today wasn't about that at all, it was more an offer of friendship. I hate not having you in my life. I worry about you all the time and I hate that I can't call you or even text to ask how things are going. I don't need boyfriend status, I know that's not what you're looking for, but I'd sleep a lot better at night knowing you're safe and happy. So if there's any way we can even exchange numbers, just something so I can check in with you to make sure you're okay..."

Looking as if the taste of the burger was suddenly disgusting in his mouth, James picked up a napkin to wipe it across his lips.

"And if that's too much...then let this be our goodbye, I guess. But let me be your friend for today before you have to leave. And I just made this heavy after you asked me not to, didn't I?" Logan sighed.

"You did," James admitted, "but I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Serious is all you know how to be."

"Yeah," Logan replied, staring down at his plate and wondering if he'd just ruined everything.

"We'll have to work on that," James smirked, causing Logan's head to lift with hope in his eyes. "Starting with Willy Wonka. I'm sure you'll spend the entire movie saying things like 'That would never happen' while I shush you and tell you to just stop thinking and enjoy it. I always wondered what it would be like to watch a movie with you."

"Really?" Logan smiled, surprised. "Kendall does say I think too much when we watch movies."

"Well, Kendall doesn't know how to break you down properly, does he?"

There was fire in James' gaze, so fierce that Logan's body reacted intensely. He stood up suddenly, causing James to laugh so hard his head fell back. "I know, you're going to the bathroom and I'm not allowed to flirt with anyone while you're gone."

"I'll be back. Eat some salad."

"If you need any help in there..." James called out as Logan hurried away, prompting Logan to turn back long enough to glare at him. James met the look with a wink, infuriating Logan even more.

Once alone in the bathroom, Logan splashed cold water on his face. Was this how it was going to be, James not committing or even wanting to discuss something serious but driving him into fits of lust every five minutes?

"Such a tease," Logan muttered. "Why did I think you might have changed?"

He was smiling when he dried his face with a paper towel, though; this was the James he'd missed, the James he laid awake at night aching for: an incessant tease who knew exactly how to heat Logan up in three seconds flat. If that's how James wanted to play this, Logan was up to the challenge—James wasn't going home tonight, even if they decided to call it quits for good.

But hadn't they already done that? And here they were, James flirting with him like always and Logan falling for it without a second thought, because that's what you did when you were in love—you fell hard and fast and without thought.

It only took Logan ten seconds to decide that if this was all James had to offer, he'd take it. Logan would be happy with occasional visits from James. Even if he wanted forever, he would gladly take a few days per month of this. He was busy at school anyway.

His mind spoke up then. _You're justifying it. You deserve someone who will commit to you fully._

 _Shut up, Kendall. I want him. I deserve him, I've put in enough time and effort to deserve lunch here and there._

 _You've put in enough effort to deserve a lifetime with him. If he's not willing to give that..._

 _So be it. I have him now, and that's good enough._

Feeling as if he could face James again, Logan started to head out of the bathroom but stopped to send Kendall a quick text. Smiling when he saw Kendall had already asked, Logan answered the question.

" _Yes, he showed. An hour late, I thought he was standing me up, but he showed. He might spend the night with me, we'll see how it goes."_

When Logan returned to the table, James' burger was almost gone and there was a cleanly cut piece of it on Logan's plate. "I already tried it, what's this?"

"I put peanut butter on that. It's actually pretty tasty."

"Ugh, James, don't make me eat that."

"You've had worse in your mouth," James smirked.

"Okay, stop right there. You do not get to tease me all day and get me worked up if you're not following through. I never did that to you, at least not consciously."

"Logan, relax. You know how much I love to see you get all hot and bothered."

"I do, and it's just cruel if you don't plan to stay with me tonight."

"All right, then let me put that fear to rest. I'll stay with you tonight. I can't promise anything past that, we need to talk about whatever this is, but I promise you I will spend tonight with you. As long as you're okay with me leaving in the morning and knowing I might not come back."

"I'm aware you're not looking for the same things I am, James. Right now, all I'm asking is tonight. And a very long talk about feelings, which I know you hate."

"I don't even like to think about them, let alone talk about them. But you deserve that, so...yeah. We'll talk. But later, okay? Right now just let me watch you eat a burger with peanut butter on it and hear you tell me you were wrong. I can never get enough of that."

"You're such an asshole," Logan muttered, but he picked up the piece of burger and popped it in his mouth, chewing and allowing himself to taste it. "It's not horrible. It's...odd. Strange tastes together. But not bad."

James grinned, pleased with himself. "See? You tried something new and it didn't kill you. This is why you need me in your life."

"I'm not the one who ever argued that, James."

"Not after you fucked me, you didn't."

Rolling his eyes, Logan wiped his mouth and sipped the last of his water. "Are you done now? Can we move on with our day?"

"I suppose. Was there more you had planned? Besides dinner?"

"You have no idea what you're in for, James Diamond. Sit back and enjoy the ride."

Eyes dancing and his white teeth even between a wide smile, James stood up and held out a hand. "Spoil me."

"You're so excited," Logan said, full of warmth and affection as he stood and joined their hands. "So adorable."

James dipped his face down for a soft kiss, Logan's body coming alive at the contact and his mind immediately backing into the shadows while a chill of anticipation ran through him.

"I'm here," James whispered, and Logan nodded.

It was enough.


	27. Chapter 27

Once James was in Logan's car, everything felt right again. It might have had something to do with the fact that James was strapped inside a moving vehicle, but Logan liked that it felt as if James was unable to disappear on him without a goodbye; it also reminded him of their first weekend together, a time that would always live in Logan's heart as the true beginning of his life.

"So where are we headed next?" James smiled, reaching out a hand for Logan's as they exited the parking garage.

"Just wait and see. There was so much I wanted to do that I had to juggle everything, but I think I worked it all out."

"I'm sure if anyone could work out a timetable, it's Logan Mitchell. Are we supposed to stay on schedule for this? Did I mess everything up by being late to lunch?"

"No, it's fine," Logan grinned, not minding the ribbing. "I really did think you weren't coming, though."

"I know. I should've messaged you to let you know I was on the way-"

"Yeah, that would've been nice."

"I'm sorry. I..."

Logan waited, not giving James an out this time but wanting to hear the rest of that apology.

"I wasn't sure until I got there that I was going through with it," James admitted softly.

"Oh." That cut deeply. "So was your ride late, or was that an excuse because you couldn't decide?"

"No, that was the truth. I need to get a car."

Logan nodded slowly, slipping his hand out of James' grip to return it to the wheel. "Well, don't worry. I won't bother you again after tonight if that's what you want."

"It's not, it's...Logan..." James rubbed a hand over his own face before sighing heavily. "I can honestly say that there's nowhere I'd rather be right now."

"Then what's the problem? What's holding you back?"

James shook his head, gaze outside the car and Logan realizing for the first time that he wasn't looking at anything his eyes took in; he was seeing inside himself. "So many things. There's just so much."

"Can we talk about them? Can you list them one by one so I can shoot down each argument and show you that together, we can deal with every one of them? There's no reason this can't work, James, not if we both want it to."

James remained silent, Logan sensing a major struggle going on next to him.

"Of course, if we don't both want it to, that's different."

"I don't know, Logan," James finally admitted. "The truth is I don't know what I want. I mean, on one hand I do, but...look, I don't want to do this right now. I know you deserve it but you promised to give me one perfect day with you and I want that. I swear, we can have a long talk tonight, but for now just...please." He leaned over far enough to lift Logan's hand from the wheel and twine their fingers together. "I try not to ask for anything from you but I need this. Be the perfect friend I know you are."

"Friends don't hold hands, James. They don't spend the night together like we're going to."

"Then don't label it. Just be what I need, and I'll do the same for you."

Moving his foot to the brake for a red light, Logan took the opportunity to face James. His hair was shorter, but the profile was the same, and it was a sight that haunted his dreams. "Are you in love with me?"

James swallowed, obviously uncomfortable with the question, but to his credit he answered firmly. "Yes."

Surprised by the honest reply, Logan lifted James' hand to his mouth and kissed it. "Then the rest will fall into place. Isn't that what you said?"

"Did I?"

"'Just...someone who loves me. _Really_ loves me. Because if I have that, everything else will fall in line. When you love someone, you take care of them. You worry about them. You miss them when they're gone. You see them when you close your eyes at night and wonder what they're doing, wonder if they're thinking about you, too. And that's all I want-someone to love who loves me back.' You have that, James."

James' jaw dropped slowly as he finally stared over at Logan. "How the fuck do you remember all that?"

"Eidetic memory. Makes my life hell, because I can recall everything you've ever said to me."

"Eye-what memory? What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said." Putting the car in motion again while keeping their hands clasped, Logan continued. "It's rare and usually doesn't last past childhood, but in some cases it can. In mine it did. I remember everything you've ever said to me, James. Every touch, every whisper, every vision. That's why it's so hard to get over you, because you're always with me. In everything I do..." Logan blinked suddenly, emotions getting the better of him. "You're right here."

"Holy fuck. No wonder you do so well in school."

"Actually...I haven't been lately. My grades are slipping."

"What? No, Logan, you can't let that happen. You need that scholarship."

"I'm aware of that. What I need is peace of mind so I can focus on school instead of the things I'm missing so much."

James' lips pursed. "So this is the guilt trip? This is your way of telling me that I ruined your life?"

"No, of course not. You never promised me anything. It was clear from the start this wasn't going anywhere. I never expected more from you than what you've given." When James returned his attention to the window again, Logan added, "But that doesn't mean I don't want it."

"I'm sorry," was all James said.

"For what, exactly? For making me want it, or for not being able to give it to me?"

"For causing you pain. I never imagined you would be the type to fall in love."

"That makes two of us," Logan chuckled. "But...remember when you talked about how your mom made it harder by wavering? How sometimes the old part of her would reappear when you were beginning to finally believe she was gone forever, and that made it harder to hate her?"

Biting his lip, James nodded.

"As much as I don't want to never see you again, it makes it harder to get over you when you keep doing this. If we can just agree that we'll stay friends and nothing more, or promise to never see each other again and stick to it, I might have a chance of moving on."

"Logan, let's be honest. Can you see me and not want to kiss me?" Before Logan could say anything, he quickly added, "And I don't mean just you, because it's the same for me. I can't see _you_ and not want to kiss you, either."

"But I'd live with that. I need to know you're okay, James. At least give me a number so I can call you to see how you're doing. Please, give me that much."

"I wouldn't."

"Wouldn't what?" Logan frowned.

"I wouldn't live with that. It wouldn't be enough, just being friends. Not with you."

"That's..." Well, it was both good and bad, Logan supposed. "Then let's go down that list and I can shoot down all of your arguments."

"You're taking me to the beach?" James suddenly asked, his tone changing to excitement. "Seriously?!"

"Sort of. I thought we could do some rides, you mentioned how much you love the Ferris wheel."

"You're the most perfect fucking date in history, do you know that, Logan Mitchell?"

"I just know you well," Logan grinned, proud that he was able to make James happy in a way no one else could.

"You do," James agreed, squeezing Logan's hand tighter. "I didn't mean to change the subject. I just saw the pier and got excited."

"I know. You're adorable. Enough heavy stuff for now, I'll let you have a little fun before I go back to the attack."

Logan paid for parking and found an empty spot near the pier they'd shared passionate kisses on one night in October. They both stared through the windshield at it as if remembering, then Logan unbuckled his seatbelt to lean over and capture James' lips in a deep kiss.

"Fuck, Logan," James whispered. "Nobody kisses me the way you do."

"Which is why you shouldn't let me go," Logan replied lightly, hand keeping James in place for another intense liplock before pulling back to ask, "Even the guy at the party?"

"Huh?" James managed, still slightly dazed from the kiss.

"That guy you kissed years ago at a party. The one who was the best kiss you ever had."

"Oh. Yeah, you passed him by a longshot the first night we kissed."

Smug, Logan bit down on James' bottom lip, making him cry out. "Just remember that, James. Nobody else does this for you."

"Like I could ever forget," James complained, reaching for the door handle. "You're gonna do this all day, aren't you? Keep me hard and make me suffer until tonight."

"It's a gift," Logan winked, grabbing the keys and pocketing them. He took James' hand once they met up on the sidewalk. "Come on, let me be Mr. Perfect Date for awhile instead of Mr. Downer-Who-Makes-You-Talk-About-Feelings."

They walked in silence for a few minutes, Logan appreciating the breezy weather and sights surrounding them and deciding that no matter what happened after tonight, he'd come back here to study in the early morning hours when he could. The beach was about as peaceful a place as he could find (outside of James Diamond's arms), and it would help him feel closer to James anyway.

"Hey," James suddenly said, pulling Logan to a stop just before they stepped onto the boardwalk.

"Hmm?"

He waited until he had Logan's full attention, then leaned closer to say softly, "I do love you. I want to make sure you know that no matter what we decide after tonight, I do love you and I always will."

Heart filling impossibly, Logan nodded and closed his eyes while their lips met. "I know," he whispered. "The song was about me, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Both of them?"

"Yes."

Logan smiled, peace returning once again when James kissed him gently.

* * *

"What do you want to do first?" Logan asked as they approached the mini amusement park hand in hand.

"Well, the roller coaster's kind of lame, but it's worth a ride."

"I'll pass. Roller coasters aren't my thing." When James lifted an eyebrow in challenge, Logan groaned. "Please pretend I didn't say that."

"I'll let you off the hook this time, but only because your first roller coaster ride should be something more exciting than this one."

"I've been on them before. Kendall made me go a few times."

"Of course he did."

"Have I ever told you how much I love that you're jealous of him?" Logan smirked, tugging James closer.

"I'm not jealous," James argued.

"Yes, you are. You sulked when I told you Kendall had explained sex to me. You wanted to be the one to do that."

"So? I wanted to make sure you heard about it from someone who knew what he was talking about."

"Come on, James, just admit that you like being the one to show me new things."

"I just want to help you live," James clarified. "You miss out on so much when you don't try new things. And I'm trustworthy, you know? I'll keep you safe."

"I know," Logan agreed, letting go of James' hand to slip an arm around his waist and cuddle close as they walked amid the boardwalk games. "I always feel safe with you."

"Good." James pressed a kiss to Logan's forehead before stopping their motion to look around. "There's an arcade. Do you like video games?"

"I do," Logan grinned. "And I'm good at them."

"Not as good as me," James challenged. "I'll put in twenty bucks."

"I'll put in ten. I want to make sure there's enough left over to buy you cotton candy."

James' face melted, eyes warming with affection. "Best date ever," he whispered against Logan's lips.

"And it's just beginning. You could have this every weekend, James. I'm not pressuring you, but think about it, okay?"

"I do," James admitted. "More than you know."

Not willing to put James in a somber mood again just yet, Logan nipped at his lips, surprising him into a laugh. "Come on, let me kick your ass for a bit."

"Keep dreaming, tease."

They came out close to even on the video games, Logan's carefully planned maneuvers working well for him most of the time but James' habit of going in with guns blazing also a force to be reckoned with. Logan's favorite was the game where they teamed up against alien invaders and he was able to plan out an attack they could work together, and when that was done they claimed the highest score on the board

"Nice job!" James yelled, lifting a hand for a high five, which Logan returned with a grin.

"We make a great team."

"Hell yeah! How about that cotton candy now? I feel like celebrating."

"Whatever you want," Logan laughed, leading James back to the boardwalk. "I don't want any for myself, but I'm sure you'll share."

"Of course. Let me guess, you don't like it."

"It's okay. A little sweet for my taste."

"But I can give you cotton-candy-flavored kisses," James murmured, dragging Logan closer and nuzzling his hair. "Who else is gonna do that for you?"

"No one," Logan nodded. "So you should probably stick around."

James only grinned, keeping Logan near while ordering a cotton candy and allowing Logan to pay because he knew it would be futile to argue today; Logan was determined to treat him. Locking arms with Logan, James led him back toward the boardwalk games and pressed spun sugar to his lips, Logan accepting the candy and sucking James' fingers before letting them go.

"Fucking tease," James muttered.

"You love it."

"God, so much. This is so much better than what I had planned today."

Remembering James' comment about canceled plans, Logan frowned. "What were you supposed to do?"

"Meet with some of my co-stars and the director to talk about my movie. They want to make sure we're all on the same page."

"James...crap. I didn't mean to take you away from work. If you need to go-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought your message said you don't care what I have planned for today, to cancel it."

"It did, but I wasn't thinking that through; I was desperate and I knew the tone would get to you. I needed to see you."

"I know," James nodded, pulling Logan down onto a bench they were passing and scooting close to him. "I knew you wouldn't say that if it wasn't important."

"But it wasn't, it was just me being needy and-"

"That was enough-you needed me. And the commanding tone most definitely got to me," James added softly. "You know how much it turns me on when you take charge."

"I do," Logan sighed, leaning his head on James' shoulder. "I couldn't stand the thought of you alone on Thanksgiving. Do you need to go to that meeting, though? We can reschedule."

"What, and miss out on cotton candy and whatever else you have planned for me? Not in a million years." James dipped his face down for a sweetly-flavored kiss. "It's fine, Amy covered for me."

The kiss suddenly tasted bitter, Logan moving his head away. "Amy, huh? Is it serious between you two?"

"Me and Amy? No, we're just friends. She's the star of the movie I booked."

Logan's heart settled into a peaceful rhythm as relief flooded him. "Really? I thought you two were sleeping together."

"We're not, babe. We haven't. She's become a good friend to me, that's all. I miss Shelly and in some ways, they're alike. That's all it is. But I love that you're so jealous of her."

"Who says I'm jealous?"

"Please, I know you better than anyone, remember? Just like I'm jealous of that guy in your English class, and that slut you made out with."

"We didn't make out, James, it was one kiss."

"That's all?"

"Yes."

"Good. And the uh...him?"

"I kissed him, too."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

James was quiet, the news obviously not sitting well with him but he knew he had no right to be upset.

"Does it bother you? That I kissed another guy?"

"Doesn't matter," James stated, staring down at the fluffy candy but making no move to eat it. "I wanted you to try other people."

" _Did_ you?"

His face reflecting the struggle going on in his head, James finally said, "No. But it was necessary."

"Why?"

"Because...well. How was it?"

"How was what?" Logan asked. "The kiss?"

"Is that all there was?"

"Well, there were two kisses."

Logan would have felt the tension in those bulging muscles a mile away. "Ah. So it was good enough that you wanted more."

"No, James. It wasn't good enough the first time so I did it again hoping it would be better."

"Oh." Chancing a glance at Logan's face, which had been fixed on his for the entire conversation, James ventured, "And was it?"

Logan shook his head sadly. "No. I wanted it to be, though."

James blinked a few times while the words sank in. "So...you're saying that you kissed a girl, who was extremely pretty, by the way, and-"

"You mean Suzi? I thought she was a slut," Logan teased.

"Of course she was, she touched you. Like you didn't think the same thing of Jennifer?"

Logan shrugged noncommittally.

"Exactly. So you kissed a hot girl and felt nothing. Right?"

"Right."

"And then you kissed a hotter guy, and-"

"What makes you think he was hotter?"

"You said he looks like me, so obviously he's really hot."

"Obviously," Logan smirked, barely refraining from an eye roll.

"So what happened with him? The kisses weren't that great?"

"No," Logan replied, swallowing over the lump in his throat. "I wanted to forget you and move on. I tried."

Hearing the tears behind Logan's words, James leaned in to tilt his chin up for a soft kiss. "So did I. Hasn't worked so far."

"Then stop fighting it," Logan whispered. "I did. I finally gave up because I know no one else is you."

James licked his lips before resting his head on Logan's shoulder and speaking quietly. "I needed you to know that. Actually, _I_ needed to know that. I can cross a major one off that list of things that's been holding me back. You don't know how relieved I am to hear that."

"I can feel it." Logan slid a hand up James' back, caressing it soothingly. "Were you really afraid of that?"

"Yes. It terrified me to think that the only reason you fell for me is because I was the first, and that once you got out there and tried other people...I wouldn't measure up."

"James," Logan murmured, surprised to see tears about to break free from his eyes. "I promise that's not the case. Why do you think I'm so torn up over you? It's not what you do, it's who you are. Anybody can do those things to me, but no one can do them the way you do."

Suddenly dumping the candy in a nearby trash can, James turned on the bench to pull Logan closer and hold him tight, burying his face in Logan's neck until the shaking stopped.

"I love _you_ ," Logan said softly, kissing his hair. "Since when do you doubt yourself so much?"

"Since meeting someone so far out of my league. You deserve so much more than me, Logan."

"I deserve someone who loves me and takes care of me, who makes me feel safe and makes me laugh. Nobody else does that, James."

"Kendall does."

"Kendall never made me want to fuck him at the side of the road," Logan pointed out. "He loves me, but it's not even close to what you feel for me. He doesn't look at me the way you do or hold me until the terror goes away. He doesn't make me stop thinking with a touch or a kiss. Nobody does that, James—only you."

A gentle suck to his neck had Logan's breath catching. "Besides, Kendall has a boyfriend now, right?"

"Yes," Logan breathed, as always shocked that his body responded so powerfully to James. "How do you know that?"

"Shelly and I talk." James' lips moved to Logan's jaw and nipped a few times, making him tremble.

"You ask her to check up on me, don't you?"

"Every day. I need to know you're okay, I hurt you and I hate myself for that, I never meant to-"

"I know," Logan soothed, pulling away because he could hardly think with James' mouth so close to his skin. "But it would be easier to just hear the news straight from the horse's mouth, you know. Just give me your number. Don't you think I deserve that by now?"

"You deserve so much," James agreed. "I just don't know that I'm the person to give it to you."

"But you're the person I want it from, and that's all that matters. Please, James. Let me call and check on you. I promise I won't go overboard with it, I just want-"

"You think that's why I haven't given you my number? Because I don't want you to have it?"

Dumbfounded for a moment, Logan asked, "Why else wouldn't you give it to me? Obviously if you wanted me to have it, I would."

"It's not you I'm worried about abusing it." Linking their hands, James continued, "It's me. If I have your number I'll be calling you every day. Probably at least three times. I'd be the one going overboard with it, Logan. You don't need that in your life, you have enough to worry about. And it would be a distraction for both of us, I'd be thinking about you all the time."

Considering that confession, Logan bit his lip. "Can I ask you something?"

"You're going to no matter what I say."

"Do you think about me all the time anyway?"

James' eyes fell closed and he nodded. "Every fucking day," he whispered. "I can't get you out of my head, I can't move on from you. You drive me insane, Logan."

"Good," Logan smiled, not at all sorry to be an inconvenience. "See, we're knocking down those barriers one by one. Give me your number now." When James hesitated, Logan said it again. "Now."

After five agonizing seconds, James rattled it off. Of course Logan already had the number memorized after putting it in his phone the night before, but it was better this way because he had official permission to use it now.

"Thank you," Logan whispered, leaning in to rub his lips over James' ear. "I'm going to call you every night before I sleep, just to tell you I love you."

"Oh god, Logan," James whined, the need radiating from him in waves. "Get me out of here, I need you, I can't wait anymore."

"Not yet," Logan smirked, though he too was aching. "We haven't even gone on the Ferris wheel."

"Can I fuck you on the Ferris wheel?"

"Of course not, there are people around. Come on." Logan stood up and reached down for James' hand, yanking him off the bench. "I can't believe you threw away your cotton candy. I only got one candy-flavored kiss."

"Sorry, I was having a moment."

"I know," Logan grinned. "But I'm glad we talked about that. In my case, it's not just the sex I love—it's you."

They were closed inside a car of the wheel, Logan cuddled up to James' side, before James said, "You know, it's not just the sex for me, either. You ruined me."

"In what way?"

"I tried to have sex with a guy after moving here. About a week in, because I couldn't stop thinking about you and I missed you. So I went out to a bar one night and-"

"Ha! You do have a fake I.D.!"

"Shh, not so loud, babe! But yes, I do. I don't drink with it."

"I never thought you did. I imagined you used it to get into nightclubs and bars."

"Well...you imagined right. Which doesn't surprise me at all. But I found a guy who looks like you, or as close as I could get to the real thing."

"And?"

"I couldn't even get into his pants. I kissed him for a while but it just wasn't the same. I even pretended he was you, but...it didn't work. Nothing did. I was so pissed at you."

" _You_ were pissed? I've been miserable for months, James, and I didn't have a choice in the matter."

"But I never had that problem before! I could fuck anything and get off on it. Now I can't even kiss someone without thinking of you and wishing it was you."

"Not even that slut you had a sleepover with?"

"I didn't go," James admitted. "She's the last person I slept with, other than you. Sex isn't even exciting anymore, and I hate you for that."

"Welcome to my world, James. Do you know what it's like to lay in bed and ache for someone?"

James' mouth latched onto Logan's neck, bringing a soft moan from him. "Every night since I met you."

"Then why do you make us both suffer?" Logan asked, breath coming in short pants as James continued to give his neck attention.

"Later," James breathed, sucking harder and biting down so that Logan squirmed. The combination of that and the dipping sensation in his stomach when the wheel brought them down had Logan clutching James tight.

"Stop it, this isn't the place."

"Then take me somewhere that is. You know I can't be around you for this long without needing you."

"You're missing the view." Logan wrenched himself away with difficulty, not wanting to stop but knowing it was necessary. "Look at the water, it's gorgeous."

"I like my view just fine," James smiled, capturing Logan's mouth for a sweet kiss before giving in and staring out at the ocean with Logan's head on his shoulder. He pulled Logan closer, and they slowly settled into peace while watching the scenery. "This _is_ incredible," James sighed. "One of those perfect moments in time."

"That's what I want from today, James. Give me an entire day of perfect moments."

"Done."

When the ride stopped, James whipped out his wallet to pay for two more sessions, and together they made another memory of a perfect moment in time.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N-The song featured in this chapter is Olivia Newton-John's "Hopelessly Devoted to You" from the movie _Grease_. The lyrics are exactly what Logan needed to say.

And by the way, even if you don't review, thank you for reading this story. There are still at least five more chapters and it means a lot that you're still enjoying the story. :)

* * *

They'd decided to walk along the shore for a bit and were navigating their way through the boardwalk games again when James suddenly stopped, tugging on Logan's hand to keep him from getting too far ahead. "I want to win you something."

"What?" Glancing around at the booths set up for suckers to try their luck, Logan frowned. "There's nothing here I need."

"There has to be something. Come on, let me do this for you. Let me win you a bear."

"I don't want a bear," Logan chuckled, because of course James' excitement over the idea was adorable.

"You need something to cuddle with at night when I can't be there. Come on, Logan, let me...oh! This one!"

Logan was dragged toward a colorful booth boasting stuffed animals and a more-than-likely rigged game. "James, I-"

But of course James was past the point of reason, already handing over cash to the girl running the booth. "Okay, stand back, babe. That big teddy bear has your name on it."

Feeling the grin bestowed on him by the staff member, Logan blushed and backed away enough to give James ample room to toss a small bean bag toward a smaller container set at an awkward angle. As red as his face was, he had the passing thought that it was a good sign James wasn't shy with his affection in public and hadn't been all day; it gave Logan more hope.

When James had laid down another bill and again failed but then reached in for a third time, Logan stepped forward. "Babe. Seriously. I don't need the teddy bear, it's okay."

"No, you're getting this! I don't care if I have to stand here all day, you're—"

" _I_ care. We have other plans and-" Logan's words cut off as his eyes fell on a smaller stuffed lion, his heart warming. "That one."

"Huh?" James' head swung around to follow Logan's gaze.

"I want the lion," Logan said softly. "To cuddle with every night."

Thrown for a few seconds by the double meaning behind the words, James finally nodded. "It's yours. Stand back."

Five dollars later, Logan rolled his eyes and shoved James out of the way. He slipped his own wallet out and passed over a bill to the girl, then put his mind to the problem. On the first toss, he was successful.

"Damn you! What the hell, Logan?"

"It's physics, James. All about weight and trajectory." He grinned when the girl handed him the lion, hugging it close to his chest. "Mine."

"I can't believe you had to win that yourself. I'm such a failure as a boyfriend."

The word wasn't lost on Logan, whose heart leaped in his chest as he buried his face in the soft faux fur. He considered calling James on it, but let it go for the moment; there would be time to talk later, and it was too perfect a moment for him to ruin it with heavy subjects. All he said while reaching for James' hand was, "You're the perfect boyfriend. Come on, let's go for that walk on the beach."

* * *

"When's dinner?" James asked once they returned from the shore.

"Of course you're hungry," Logan laughed.

"Hey, lunch was like three hours ago."

"We can get dinner after this. Can you wait another hour or two?"

"Maybe. A snack would be nice."

Spying an ice cream shop, Logan smiled. "Right this way, Mr. Sweet Tooth. Let me buy you an ice cream cone."

"Yeah? You're the best."

"Don't forget it."

* * *

James' thrilled face as they slid into a spot in front of a sushi restaurant was exactly what Logan had hoped for when searching for a dinner location.

"I should've known you'd take me for sushi," James grinned, reaching out for Logan's hand across the console.

"I'm sure you've had plenty of it since moving here, it's everywhere in L.A., but-"

"It's better with you," James stated firmly. "Can we eat in this time?"

"Absolutely. Don't expect me to eat sushi, though; I really wasn't a fan last time."

"Logan, it's a sushi place! What else are you gonna eat?"

"I checked the menu, they have rice bowls and sticky buns."

Snorting laughter bubbled up from James, Logan shaking his head while reaching over to take the lion from James' lap. "Twelve years old, I swear."

"You can't say things like 'sticky buns' to a bisexual man and expect it to go unnoticed, babe! Think about it!"

" _I_ never laughed at the term."

"Yes, but you're you. What are you doing with your lion?"

"Making sure it's safe." Logan lifted the lid of the console and dropped the stuffed animal inside. "Don't let me forget this when we get back to the dorm."

"You won't need it tonight. I promise to stay with you until morning, no matter what happens. Unless you kick me out."

"Yeah, that's never happening." After removing his seatbelt and pocketing the car keys, Logan opened the car door. "Ready to go fill up on raw fish?"

James frowned. "It doesn't sound very appetizing when you say it that way."

"Sorry if I ruined that for you."

"Nobody can ruin sushi for me. Will you at least try a tuna roll?"

"Maybe. Can I take it out of the seaweed wrapper?"

"Then it falls apart."

"I'll use chopsticks."

"Boooooooring," James intoned, then grabbed Logan before he could step out of the car. James kissed him slowly, the gentleness of the touch surprising.

"What was that for?"

"Because you're here. I like having you here."

"I like it, too. We should make that a habit."

James only smiled, winking before opening his door.

Once they had ordered an appetizer and meals for both, Logan relaxed against the booth, his lips curving up at the beauty across from him.

"What are you smiling about?"

"You. It's just so great to be with you again."

A large hand slid across the table to fold over Logan's. "I missed you, too."

"I know you did," Logan grinned, glad James was able to admit it. "So in these videos of yours, you're sitting in front of a window in what looks like a really nice house. Do you shoot them at a friend's?"

"No, that's my place. Well, technically, it's Johnny's place, but that's where I live."

Surprised, Logan asked, "You live in the Hollywood Hills?"

"Yup. He's rich."

"So, all that time I was worried about you having no money and starving..."

"I told you I would be fine. Once I got the money from the alpaca guy, I didn't have to live off him anymore. And the place is huge, he said I'm welcome to stay as long as I want, but I do pay him rent money."

"Wow. Living the dream, huh?"

"He's got a lot of friends in the industry," James nodded. "It's helped me a lot."

"I'll bet." Back to feeling as if he couldn't compare to the sophistication of James' new life, Logan changed the subject. "This movie that you're doing, you said it's a supporting role?"

"Yeah. I play Amy's ex-boyfriend that's now her best friend. Causes issues with her current love interest, as you can imagine."

"Oh, I'm sure. She's famous enough that being in a movie with her will get your face in front of a lot of people."

"That's what I'm hoping." James reached for his drink and sipped through the straw, of course hearing what Logan wasn't saying. "You're worried I'll move on and leave you behind."

"I didn't say that, James. You're going to be famous and that's the life you always wanted. I can see how I might hold you back from that, the small-town boyfriend who ties you down and keeps you from enjoying the spotlight. I never wanted to be that in your life."

"It _is_ the life I always wanted," James agreed, biting his lip. "The parties, the glamour, the sophisticated women on my arm. I used to dream about things like that, before I left Minnesota."

Logan nodded, knowing it wasn't a world he belonged in.

"You know what happens when I go to those parties, Logan? When I get all dressed up and eat caviar and get offered champagne even though I'm only eighteen?"

"You feel like you're finally living your dream?" Logan guessed.

"I feel like all I want is to be in your car and playing Twenty Questions, or eating ice cream with you on a pier, or screaming while you drag your nails down my back so hard it drives me out of my mind."

The answer shocked Logan so much that all he could do was stare at James with his mouth slightly agape.

"Yeah. Don't ever think I don't miss you, Logan."

Because he was no longer capable of remaining even that far away from James, Logan scooted out from the booth to join James on the other side, trapping him against the wall and cuddling closer once James' arm slid over his shoulders. "I bet it drives you crazy, doesn't it?"

"There's never any peace," James admitted. "Not until you're right here like you are now."

"That's how I feel. I never told you this, but when you kiss me, I'm at peace. It's why I crave you so badly, you're the only thing that makes me feel sane sometimes. I thought maybe it was just kissing in general, but I know better now; it's you."

James was nodding, a hand rubbing his arm soothingly. "And that's what you needed to learn, and what I needed to be sure of. There are a lot of reasons I didn't want to continue with you once we got to L.A., but that was a big one. If I fell in love with you but you only wanted me because you didn't know anything else...Logan, you know what I've been through. I couldn't fall in love with someone that might abandon me for something better." His voice choked up at the end, Logan hugging himself tighter to James. "I grew up hearing I wasn't good enough for people like you, that I should just settle for the girl down the block or whatever, and yeah, I was fun and I was pretty and something new for you, but once you got here...how could I compare with everything Hollywood has to offer? I mean...gorgeous people are a dime a dozen around here."

"No one is you," Logan whispered, kissing James' jaw gently. "Trust me. It's not about the looks. It's about your heart."

James reached for a cloth napkin, using it to wipe his eyes. "Always crying around you," he complained.

"Always _feeling_ around me," Logan corrected. "We're even on that. And it's okay to feel, remember? You taught me that."

"That was before I fell in love. Do you know how many times I've wished I could just shut off my feelings since I met you?"

"Probably as many times as I have. When did you love me, James? When did you know I was special?"

"The night we kissed. You don't kiss with your lips; you kiss with your entire being, your soul. It didn't matter that we were just kissing for practice, you kissed me like...like it was the only thing you needed to survive."

"It feels like that when I kiss you, like nothing else exists. I don't think, I just feel. And it's so freeing, it's the only thing that gives me peace from the worry and the stress. When you kiss me I feel like everything's okay, like I'll be fine as long as I have you."

"Is that how it feels when I hold you, too? When you're panicking and I hug you and it calms you down?"

"Yes, but to a lesser degree. Hugging me calms me down slowly; kissing me wipes away everything so that I can't think anymore. Sex with you completely shatters my brain so that I barely even know who I am or where I am, and I don't even care. Do you have any idea how scary that is for me? To lose control of myself so completely?"

"I do," James nodded, "because I know how you think. It's what you were so afraid of in the first place, losing control. Now look at you, you actually crave that."

"Every day of my life," Logan agreed, "but it's not just sex. It's _you_ , James. And I was afraid it was just sex for you. Because after the first night, you changed. You didn't want to talk about it or kiss me or cuddle with me-"

"Are you crazy? Logan, that was _all_ I wanted to do. And that's another reason I tried to distance myself, because you were such a distraction to me. I had a goal, I had a plan that I'd been working toward for years. Suddenly in one weekend you had the power to become my everything, and I couldn't let you do that. I'm sorry, I wanted to so badly, but-"

The tears were coming again, Logan shushing James gently because the waiter was approaching to set down their appetizer. James wiped his eyes on the napkin while Logan thanked the server and requested refills on their drinks. "It's okay," Logan said softly once they were alone.

"It's not, I hurt you, and I never wanted that, you deserved so much better. That haunted me, the knowledge that you'd find someone who could treat you better and would make you happier than I ever could. I wanted to be that person, but I just didn't have it in me."

"You did," Logan argued.

"No, I didn't. I cared too much about my career and getting away from my past."

"You had a good reason for both, James."

"Still, you deserved that person who would be home with you every night and marry you and have kids with you and...you're gonna have the perfect life with someone else, Logan, and I couldn't stand around and watch. I'm sorry."

The tears broke free completely then, James unable to speak as they overwhelmed him. Wishing he'd chosen someplace they could eat in the car, Logan stood from the booth and steered James toward the bathroom. "Go," he commanded, watching until James had disappeared and flagging down their server. "I'm sorry, something came up. Can we get our meal to go?"

Assured it would be no problem, Logan walked quickly to the restroom and followed the sound of sniffles to a locked stall. "Do I have to kick this door down?" he teased, heart warming when a watery chuckle was the response.

"Funny how the tables have turned, isn't it?" James joked, unlocking the door and stepping out into Logan's waiting arms. "God, how did I ever think I could live without you?"

"The same way I thought I could live without _you_. We can do it, James—we just won't be happy if we do."

Hugging Logan closer, James sighed deeply. "It's easier when I don't see you."

"It's also harder."

"Yeah."

"Come on. I asked for our food to go, and I know a great spot to eat in the car, if you're up for it."

"That sounds like heaven. You always know what I need."

Logan grinned, lifting up just enough to kiss James' lips. "It's a gift."

* * *

Because Logan's later plans involved a trip to Griffith Park, he'd chosen a restaurant near the hills leading up to it. Now as James sat next to him laden down with bags of food, Logan glanced at the luxurious houses they passed along the way.

"So you live around here?"

"Not quite here. Closer to the Valley."

Logan nodded, hesitating but finally deciding there was no need to be delicate anymore; James knew what he wanted. "I'd like to see it sometime. The house."

Rather than look out the side window, as Logan expected, James slid a hand up Logan's arm to settle it across the back of his neck while offering a small smile. "I'd like that, too. Johnny doesn't mind me bringing people home, he's always telling me I can."

Logan sank into the touch, resting more comfortably against the hand. "That makes it sound like you never do."

"I don't," James replied with a shake of his head. "My home is my safe place, or as close to it as I can get. I don't allow anyone to mess with that."

Nodding slowly, Logan asked, "But you want me there?"

"I've imagined it a thousand times. Are you taking me to the observatory?"

"Eventually. First we're going to stop along the way and eat dinner, I'm sure you're starving."

"I could eat," James joked, Logan chuckling because he knew that was an understatement of gross proportions.

"Always hungry," he murmured fondly.

"You missed me," James grinned. "Come on, admit you missed me whining about food and my offensive comments."

"I will never admit to missing offensive comments."

"Which is a yes," James laughed, slipping his fingers up into Logan's hair.

"Hey, I'm driving here. Play nice."

The fingers scaled themselves back, but Logan felt them on the outskirts of his hair as if ready to attack at any sign of weakness.

"We're not eating at a picnic table, are we?" James frowned. "This place isn't safe at night."

"No, I thought we needed someplace private to talk."

"You're afraid I'll cry again."

"I'm actually hoping you will, because you need to."

"I hate crying."

"Most people do, James. But it's okay, you probably don't do it enough. Have you cried at all since we got to L.A.? Before tonight, I mean."

"More than I'm comfortable admitting. There aren't enough words to explain how much I've missed you."

Because Logan was now in danger of shedding tears as well, he quickly found a place to park along the road, where other cars had done the same in order to appreciate the view (and probably ignore it in favor of more amorous activities). Through his window the bright lights of a bustling city could be seen below them, and above there was a blanket of stars that reminded him of a birthday song and cheesecake shared under a similar setting.

"I love that sight," James suddenly sighed, staring past Logan toward the lights. "Sometimes I still can't believe I'm actually here and it isn't a dream. Every once in awhile I'm afraid it is, that I'm still laying in my bed in Minnesota and none of this ever happened, not Hollywood and not you. You're like the most perfect dream I could ever come up with."

"I'm real," Logan said softly, leaning across the console to prove it with a kiss that felt more necessary than ever before. James reached up to cup his cheek as their lips met, the touch gentle in contrast to the kiss' quickly heightening passion.

When James shifted to press his mouth harder against Logan's, one of the food bags started to slip off his lap and he pulled back just in time to grab it. Logan grinned. "Can't let anything happen to the food, can we?"

"Gotta save your sticky buns," James winked, and then they were laughing together and Logan knew he could never again let James go; nothing else felt like this and nothing ever would. "Let's eat before we talk."

Seatbelts were removed as they made themselves more comfortable, James turning slightly to face Logan as he passed over a bag and leaned back against the door. "You got enough room over there, or should we hit the back seat?"

"I think we both know what'll happen if we end up in the back seat," Logan replied. "Unless that's your goal?"

"Eventually," James smiled, "but right now I'm just hungry. And please, let's save the heavy talk until after we eat this time?"

"As long as you promise not to distract me with kisses because you don't want to have the heavy talk."

"I can't help it if my lips are magic."

"Which is why you need to keep them away from me."

James leaned over and tilted Logan's chin toward him for one lingering kiss before settling back into place. "Okay, I'm good for a few minutes."

"Starved for affection," Logan teased. When James only shrugged, he added, "It's okay, so am I. I missed this."

"Definitely," James agreed. "So tell me what your life is like these days."

While they dug into the bags to sort out the food, Logan said, "Busy. Between my own schoolwork and helping out everyone else, I haven't had much time to breathe this week."

"But you had time for Mr. Hot-Guy-in-English-Class?"

"I was determined to get over you."

"I still haven't figured out why you can't. I'm really not all that special, Logan."

"You are to me. And this is heading into heavy talk, so I'm going to ask about your life instead. Have you started filming that movie yet, or is it just in the planning stages?"

"We start shooting next week."

"And you're still doing that T.V. show as well?"

"Yeah, for another few weeks. I know you're worried about me not getting enough sleep, but my part in the show is small enough that I don't have to be there every day, and the movie producer is really understanding about it so for these few weeks he's shooting my scenes at night. That's one of the things we were supposed to talk about with the cast today, to make sure that worked for my co-stars."

"I really am sorry I pulled you away from that."

"I'm not. You're always worth it."

Logan blushed while forking up a bite of rice, but commented, "You know, it's really great to hear you say things like that out loud. I'm used to you hiding your feelings and today you've been very outspoken about them. I'm proud of you."

"It's a little easier today," James admitted, "but I think only because you've made it clear that you love me."

"You didn't want to hear it before. I'm not even sure you wanted to hear it today."

"I'm glad you said it. I needed to hear it."

"So did I," Logan nodded. "How early do you need to leave in the morning?"

"How soon do you need me to?"

"Andrew won't be home until late; his girlfriend's flying out tomorrow night. Do you have meetings or something?"

"No, Sundays are free. The show doesn't film on the weekends, and once we start the movie, that halts on Sundays, too. So I'll get at least one full day to myself each week."

"Which you'll probably spend sleeping," Logan pointed out.

James bit his lip before asking, "Remember that time you said you sleep best with me?"

"Yeah. It's still true."

Nodding, James replied, "It's the same for me."

"So you're saying Sundays should be our days and we should sleep together."

Blinking in surprise, James said, "How did you get that from-"

"Just go with it," Logan smiled. "There's no reason we can't spend one day a week together."

"Like you don't spend every Sunday panicking to catch up on homework."

Logan shrugged. "It's not that hard to keep up. I'll make sure to get everything done so that I can be free Sunday, and that day belongs to you."

James studied Logan intently. "Is one day really enough? You deserve so much more."

"Compared to what I have now, one day a week sounds like heaven. And to be honest, it's probably all I can manage anyway. But we deserve at least that, James. I understand your fear of me being a distraction; it would be extremely easy to let you be that for me, as well. If we do this right, though, we can make it work." When James said nothing, Logan added, "Just think about it for a minute—one entire day a week with me. The rest of the week we focus on work and school, and that one day becomes the thing we look forward to most; it's the thing that refreshes us and recharges us and reminds us what's really important."

"I would've thought school would be that thing for you."

"It was. And then...I met you. Don't get me wrong, school is still a priority in my life, and my dream is still to save lives. But like I said last time we were together, I don't want to do that alone anymore. I want someone to share it with, and I want that person to be you."

"I want that, too," James admitted, "I'm just so afraid that-"

"Nobody. Nobody makes me feel like you do. That's not going to change."

Gaze on the food in his lap, which he'd been devouring as they talked, James said quietly, "You can't know that. There's probably someone out there who's better suited to you and smarter, and he won't have hair as great as mine, but I'm sure he's not bad-looking."

"There's the James Diamond I fell in love with," Logan smirked, and James chuckled. "No one has hair as great as yours. And you still use that same shampoo that drives me insane. What is it?"

"I get it from a salon. Nothing else works as good as that does, I've tried other brands and I always come back to this one because it's the best."

Lifting one eyebrow, Logan pointed out, "That's how I feel about you, James. No one else does for me what you do. I've tried, and I always come back to you because you're the best."

James looked up slowly from his lap, Logan seeing that he'd finally said it in a way James could understand; just as James had long ago used Logan's career to get a point across, Logan had done the same by comparing him to a hair care product.

"What if that changes?" James whispered. "How do I know that one day you won't get tired of me, or find someone better, or-"

"I'm a bull, remember? I'm stubborn, I'm loyal, I'm committed. I'm in it for the long haul, James, and if I haven't gotten over you yet, I'm not going to."

"I want to believe that so bad, but-"

"You know what? I know exactly what to say." Having heard the terror behind the words, Logan reached out to take the tray of sushi (or what was left of it) from James, then tossed it into a bag along with the chopsticks he'd been using. The remainder of Logan's food joined the collection before he shoved the bag down by James' feet and commanded, "Get in the back seat."

Logan sensed the quickening of James' heartbeat. "Here? You're seriously going to risk nudity in public?"

"Mind out of the gutter, James," Logan sighed. "Just get back there."

While James was busy moving from the front seat to the back, Logan reached into his glove box for the auxiliary cord and set up his phone to play music through the speakers. He passed James his phone to hold and then climbed out of the car only to re-enter through the back door.

"You have a picture of me as your lock screen," James said in wonder.

"It makes me smile," Logan answered. "Do you still have us on your phone?"

James hesitated, but then pulled out his own to show that their selfie from the diner was still his background. "We need to make a new one."

"As long as you send it to me."

"Come here."

It was awkward, but James managed to stretch out his legs across the seat so that Logan could settle over him and lay back against his chest, his head resting on James' shoulder with James' arm wrapped around his waist. "I've missed this."

"Still a cuddlebug," James grinned, holding up his phone to aim it for a picture.

"Always," Logan laughed while looking at the screen. "See how adorable we are together? How could you possibly want to bring an end to this?"

James snapped a few shots, pleased when he saw Logan's smile in them. "I thought you hated taking pictures."

"I did, but...when I met you, I saw everything in a new light."

James' face shifted so suddenly that Logan frowned. "What? Is that bad?"

"No, it's...I um..."

When James couldn't meet his eyes, Logan prodded, "You what?"

"I'm writing a song. What you just said is pretty much the theme of it, and it amazes me that we can be so different but feel the same way."

"That's called love, James." Logan shifted so that his body was facing James' instead, and he cuddled into him before adding, "But speaking of songs, I have one to play for you. You always use songs to explain how you feel, and because I can't adequately put into words what I'm feeling, I'm going to let this song speak for me the way you do." When James' body tensed beneath him, Logan said, "You did this enough with me, now it's my turn. Close your eyes and listen to the words, James. Let _me_ seduce _you_ with a song."

Logan clicked the screen on his phone until the melancholy opening bars of a song played, and immediately James jolted under him, every muscle locking into place. Knowing what the problem must be, Logan whispered, "I'm sorry if it's one of her songs."

"You couldn't have known that," James mumbled, his arms coming up to wrap around Logan as a female voice began to sing. "It's her favorite movie. We watched it all the time when I was a kid."

 _Guess mine is not the first heart broken  
My eyes are not the first to cry  
I'm not the first to know there's  
Just no getting over you  
I'm hopelessly devoted to you_

The arms tightened and James pressed his lips to Logan's hair, cuddling him closer.

 _But now there's nowhere to hide  
Since you pushed my love aside  
I'm out of my head  
Hopelessly devoted to you  
Hopelessly devoted to you_

A few drops of what Logan knew to be tears leaked down onto his scalp and he tilted his chin up to kiss James' neck gently.

 _I know I'm just a fool who's willing  
To sit around and wait for you  
But baby can't you see there's nothing else for me to do  
I'm hopelessly devoted to you_

The pain from months of lonely nights returned to Logan, the desolation of the thought of years stretching into a lifetime without James, without the peace he was experiencing even now because he was with James and both of them were safe. His own tears spilled over as he prayed that James would take that risk with him, because he couldn't live without this anymore.

 _My head is saying fool forget him_

 _My heart is saying don't let him go_

 _Hold on to the end that's what I intend to do_  
 _I'm hopelessly devoted to you_

Logan spoke over the last chorus, his voice firm even though he was choked up. "That's what I intend to do," he repeated. "I'm holding on to the end, James, with or without you. If that's crazy, I don't care, because I'm never going to find this again, not with anyone else. And you know I'm stubborn enough to hold on forever."

The flood of tears came then, James shaking as he let it go the way he had only once before in Logan's presence, the way Logan had done once as well, in two different hotel rooms where they'd bared their souls to each other and held on for strength. They did the same now, Logan not complaining when James held him so tight he could hardly breathe. "I never meant to hurt you. You're the most perfect thing I've ever known and I'm so afraid to love you and then have to learn how to live without you," James choked out. "I won't survive that, losing my mom was bad enough but you...I can't lose you, if I give you all of me and you throw it away, I'll have nothing left, how can I go through that again?"

"Believe in me," Logan begged. "Please, James, believe that I'm not going anywhere and that you're everything I ever wanted without even knowing it. You have to believe..." He trailed off, the words reminding him of another song he'd heard as a child but of course remembered word for word upon calling it to mind. He sat up and away from James long enough to reach for a pile of napkins he'd left on the console, and after passing those to James he gently shushed him. Once James' sobs had tapered off, Logan continued. "Let me bring all your dreams alive," he whispered. "The devoted husband who supports your career, the children you won't be fulfilled until you have, the passion that comes to life every time we look at each other. Let me be that man who craves you so much when you're gone but _only_ you, the one you love who loves you back. Because like you said—if you love each other, everything else falls in line. I want to be sixty and still at your side, watching our grandkids grow up. We can have it all, James, our careers and each other. We just have to-"

James' mouth roughly silenced him, hands desperate as they clawed at Logan's jeans in their hurry to free him. Just as Logan had known they would, the words got through to James like nothing else, his promises enough to seal the deal. There was a fleeting moment of clarity when Logan knew this was a bad idea; they were surrounded by other cars and sex in public was enough to get them both arrested. It was something Logan would never have even considered doing months before, but as he'd said earlier, everything had changed when he met James. Once James bit down on his bottom lip, thoughts of discretion fled his mind so that he too was urgently working to unfasten a belt—the need that had been building up throughout the day had reached a fever pitch.

Logan reached into the pocket of James' shirt, relieved when he found what he'd hoped would be there, and it was a matter of minutes before he was pushing into James deep enough that James cried out in ecstasy. "Been so long," James murmured, Logan remembering then that James had stated he hadn't been with a man other than Logan since their first week in L.A. And hadn't he also stated that Jennifer was the last woman he'd slept with? That had been the night Logan met his dad, or perhaps even earlier because James hadn't gone to her house the next night as promised.

"How long?" Logan panted, moving in a rhythm that was second nature to him now.

"Too long."

"James, how long? When did you sleep with someone else?"

"Can't think right now, Logan, don't make me—" When Logan stopped moving, James whined "No, don't stop, please...Jennifer. A few nights before you met your dad. No one since then, I couldn't touch anyone else after being with you again."

Logan leaned down to kiss James deeply. "That's what I needed to know. You're not getting over me, either."

James shook his head, staring up into Logan's eyes in agony. "If I take that chance with you, you can't-"

"I won't," Logan promised. "I'm yours, whether you want me or not."

"I want you," James whispered. "I want it all."

"It's yours." As they kissed Logan began to move again, peace replacing thought as they climbed higher toward their peaks.

"I love you," James breathed. "Scares the fuck out of me but I love you and I don't want to be alone anymore either."

"You're never alone. I'm always right here, a phone call away."

"Did you mean what you said? You'll call me every night to tell me you love me?"

"Promise," Logan gasped, relieved when James could hold out no more because he couldn't either. They came down slowly through kisses that turned lazy but with a hint of desperation on James' end. "Can I still stay with you tonight?"

"You don't have a choice. Will you come home with me for Thanksgiving?" When James hesitated, Logan offered, "You can meet my mom. And have pie and ice cream. And orgasm cake."

James laughed in surprise, hugging Logan to him and ignoring the mess between them for the time being. "You know how much I want that, but..."

"You don't have to see them. Kendall will be there with his boyfriend too, and I really want you to meet my mom because I'm going to tell her about us and I don't want to do it alone. I need you." Seeing that James was weakening, Logan added, "I'm going to tell her about my dad, too. I'll need your strength, James, because otherwise I might chicken out. Please come home with me and be part of my family."

"What if she hates me? What if she isn't cool with you dating a guy?"

"She loves me," Logan shrugged. "And while it might not be easy for her, she won't stop loving me. She's been encouraging me to find someone anyway."

"I'm sure I'm not what she had in mind."

"If we give her grandkids one day, she'll love you forever."

"You were serious about all that?"

"Do I insist on seatbelts?"

James grinned, pressing a soft kiss to Logan's lips. "Because that's what I want. I want to be a dad, and I want to love those kids the way I deserved to be loved. I want to adopt, to give lost kids a home and a family."

"We can do that. But I'd like to wait until I get a practice going, something stable so we can support them. Of course by then we'll probably be rich off your career, but I'd still like to wait until I have a steady schedule so I can be the kind of father I never had."

"And that's why I know you're the perfect man for me," James replied. "We both want the same things."

"Plus I give great head," Logan smirked, and James busted up into laughter.

"Can't wait for more of that. But I think your idea of one day a week is good for now. What happens when you go home for the summer?"

"You come with me, unless you're working. If that's the case, I'll figure something out to stay out here."

"I've been wanting to get my own place. Once I make some money from the show and the movies, I can probably make that happen. And then maybe next year instead of paying for a dorm, you can just live with me instead."

"That would make me very happy."

James pursed his lips before commenting, "You didn't even flinch when I said that."

"Why would I?"

"I expected you to say we're moving too fast."

"Does it feel too fast? If it does, I can respect that and give you time to-"

"No, Logan, it doesn't. It just blows my mind that Mr. Practical-and-Careful is ready to jump into something like that."

"Well, I'm also Mr. So-In-Love-I-Can't-Breathe-Without-You, so when you consider that, it makes sense."

"Horrible nickname, but I like what it says about you."

Logan smiled, running a hand through James' hair. "You'll always be Mr. Perfect-Hair-and-Teeth to me."

"Even when both fall out?"

"Even then."

"Always remember me like this, okay? Remember when I was beautiful."

"I never forget anything," Logan whispered. "And your beauty is right in here."

He kissed the place where there had once been a fist-sized bruise, and even though the skin was hidden by fabric now, Logan knew it was smooth and free from pain. He intended to make sure it stayed that way.


	29. Chapter 29

They'd been cuddling in silence for about ten minutes and Logan was wondering if they should head up to the observatory when he felt James' chest shake with a chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Logan asked with a smile of his own.

"I had so many fantasies about fucking you in this car. I never expected it would actually happen."

"Really? I only had the thought once, on the last day."

"I spent a lot of the second day thinking about it. After we kissed I could hardly keep my hands off you. Longest day of my life, I swear."

"If you hadn't kept bringing up sex, I'm sure it wouldn't have been so difficult." James made a noise that communicated he didn't believe that, and Logan continued, "Was it everything you imagined it to be?"

"Better, because I was imagining it as your first time and I knew you'd be scared. I didn't imagine how cramped it would be, though."

"Sorry," Logan laughed, finally sitting up to awkwardly fix his pants after disposing of the condom and using wipes to clean both of them. "Did you still want to go to the observatory?"

"What's the point when you picked a perfect spot to look at the stars? I'm kind of feeling an urge to cuddle with you on the hood again."

"Works for me," Logan smiled, maneuvering out of the backseat and into the front to grab the keys. The night was chilly but no sooner had he climbed onto the hood and shivered than James appeared to fix the leather jacket across his chest. "No, it's okay, you'll be cold now."

"Nah, I got you to keep me warm." James climbed up next to Logan and slid his arms under the jacket to pull Logan close, hugging him tight before Logan resettled the jacket over them. Together they stared out at the lights and up at the stars, James finally sighing contentedly. "This is perfect."

"All that's missing is cheesecake," Logan grinned. "Someone might come along and make us move."

"I doubt it, there aren't any signs saying we can't park here, and cops are more likely to hassle the couple in the car in front of us. They're getting it on."

"Oh my god, James," Logan blushed, hiding his face in James' chest. "You would notice that."

"Hey, it's kind of hard to miss. They probably knew we were doing it, too."

"Oh, we are never having sex in public again."

"Says the guy who can't keep his hands off me," James teased, kissing Logan's hair. "We're gonna have to figure something out, though, because I can't see you once a week and not make love to you. Maybe we can start our day Saturday and spend the night together at my place, then we'll have all day Sunday to just do whatever. As long as we don't have plans the night before."

Logan melted at the words, his heart soaring at the same time. "So you're giving us a chance? You want to try this with me?"

"Hey, you promised marriage and kids someday. I'm holding you to that."

Logan closed his eyes, overcome with emotion mixed with a relief so profound it made him tremble.

"I'm here," James whispered. "But you can't change your mind. No refunds or exchanges, okay? If we do this, we do this all the way."

Logan nodded, lifting his face to kiss James softly. "Long haul, remember? It's all I know how to do, and you're the one I want to do it with. I know you're scared, but if you can't trust Mr. Boring-Doesn't-Like-Change, who can you trust?"

James' face melted before Logan was kissed hard, both of them closing their eyes to savor the feeling of being in love with the promise of a future together. "I swear I'll do whatever I can to make you happy, Logan. I still feel like you deserve more, I'll be gone a lot and—"

"And I can handle that. I survived two months where I only saw you twice. It was hard, but it'll be easier knowing you're coming back each time. That's all I need to know. Promise me you won't run."

"I'm tired of running," James admitted. "Shelly's been telling me for months I should claim you."

Logan lifted an eyebrow. "I thought we weren't supposed to tell anyone about us."

"I only told her that I was in love with you. She's known that since I kissed you, and she was worried about me because she could tell how much I missed you and how hard I was trying to get over you. She said I was being stupid because if we both loved each other, we shouldn't be apart." While Logan digested that, James asked, "How much does Kendall know?"

Biting his lip, Logan hesitated. "He didn't know anything for a long time. But when I started acting weird and not doing as well in school, he knew something was wrong. My mom, too, though she doesn't know anything about you. Kendall knew I missed you, but he didn't know I was in love or that anything had happened between us. I finally told him I'd fallen in love with you and at first he told me to go after you but once I told him you wanted nothing to do with me, he encouraged me to get over you. He's not happy that I gave up on that, he doesn't want me to be alone."

"You're not," James promised, nuzzling Logan's hair. "How much does he know now?"

"Everything," Logan finally answered, hoping James wouldn't be angry. "I kept it to myself for a long time, but eventually he broke me down because I needed someone to talk to. I'm sorry."

"I didn't really have to tell Shelly; she figured it out by the way I talked about you, she knew you were different. Once I called her after changing my number, she asked me what the fuck was wrong with me and when I told her I'd stopped sleeping with people, she knew we must have had sex. She begged me today to give you a chance."

"Smart girl," Logan smiled. "What about Amy? How much does she know?"

"Amy..." James considered his answer. "She knows there's someone I can't get over. The night we ran into each other at the restaurant, when I wasn't expecting to see you, she could tell something really shook me up. After I ran out to try to catch you, she asked and I told her I'd seen someone I used to know. She guessed by my reaction that it was someone I still had feelings for, and by the time we finished dinner I was going crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about you and that slut together, you looked so good and she was so flirty with you-"

"So why didn't you leave with Amy? You arrived with her."

"I needed to be alone. I was devastated after seeing you with someone else, even though I knew I had no right to be. I pushed you away, even encouraged you to date someone else. But I didn't expect I would ever have to see it." James' voice changed and Logan glanced up to see tears gathering, James blinking them angrily away. "I wanted to claw her face off, Logan. I wanted to make you mine and tell that bitch that you belonged to me. But...you didn't."

"I did. Since the night we kissed, I've belonged to you, James."

"You know what I mean. I couldn't say a word, I just had to accept it. But we'd talked about seeing a movie after dinner and I was so upset that I told her to go home because I needed time to think. I was gonna walk for awhile and maybe clear my head, try to get over the rage and sadness I was feeling, and then suddenly you were there. You came back for me."

"Subconsciously, I probably did. I spent the entire drive back to the restaurant talking to Kendall about you. I'd decided to go see if my dad had time to talk, but deep down I think I was hoping..."

"Yeah. The way you looked at me from behind the wheel...fuck, Logan, you were so intense. I could see in your eyes that you needed me, and you were suddenly so determined. You ordered me to get in and...I knew what would happen if I got in that car."

"And you never hesitated."

"No way was I gonna pass that up. You'd been with a beautiful girl and come back for me anyway. You don't even know what that did to me."

"Yes, I do," Logan replied softly, kissing James' neck. "I felt it in the way you were so tense in the car with me. We never said a word but we were both wound up so tight. Because you didn't go home with your beautiful, famous girl either."

"Nothing satisfies me the way you do. You completely own me when we have sex, every part of me belongs to you and I give it willingly."

"It was your heart you wouldn't hand over."

"Not really," James disagreed. "You had my heart the night you kissed me, too. I just...that part I didn't give willingly. I tried to hold on but you fucking took it anyway."

"It's mine now," Logan smiled, "and I'm not giving it back. But when that starts to scare you, remember that you have mine as well. We're even, James. And I'll hold onto your heart like the most precious gift I've ever received, because it is. I won't drop it or break it or abuse it. I promise you that if you let me have it, it will be my most prized possession."

A quiet chuckle rumbled up James' chest. "When did you get so poetic?"

"Too many love songs," Logan laughed. "I swear, every song ever written was about us."

"Oh my god, no kidding! I'd be in a cab and a song would come on that almost had me in tears because it reminded me of you. Or in a restaurant, or-"

"In a store," Logan nodded. "Everywhere. And Andrew played a lot of sad love songs when we first moved in, because he'd just broken up with his girlfriend. It was horrible but at the same time I didn't mind the reminders of you. I just...missed you. So much."

"Well, now you can call me. I can't promise I'll be available all the time, but-"

"That's fine, James, I'm not one of those boyfriends who's going to need to know where you are every second. I'm too busy myself. But I will call you every night, and I know you'll be doing your night shoots so if I have to leave a voicemail, that's fine, too. As long as I get to tell you I love you, and hear from you at some point during the day...that's all I need. You owe me Sundays, though, I won't budge on that. I know that might be difficult as time goes on, you'll probably be shooting on location sometimes and unable to be here on Sunday, but—"

"Once I have the money, I'll fly you out to wherever I am and we can still do our Sundays. We might only get a few hours together, though."

"It's enough. As long as we're both making the effort, that's enough. I don't expect miracles, babe."

James suddenly smiled and carded a hand through Logan's hair while staring into his eyes. "You got one anyway. James Diamond fell in love."

"Will wonders never cease?" Logan grinned, and then they were kissing sweetly for a long minute. "Hey," Logan whispered. "I'm thinking of something."

James' smile was bright even in the dim glow from the moon above. "I'm still the king, you know. I can guess this without one clue."

"Think so?"

"I know so. Because I'm thinking of the same thing."

"It's not sex, James."

"I know," James replied with a soft laugh.

As they kissed again, both thought of love.

* * *

Since Logan's goal had been to get James under the stars, he decided the observatory was no longer necessary and drove them down the hill once they were safely strapped in again. Of course he had also hoped to guide James into a talk about his mother, but there would be time for that later; James wasn't going anywhere.

It was a strange feeling, though not an unwelcome one—James Diamond was officially his boyfriend and would finally be the person to share his life with. His other half. Both were quiet for most of the drive back to campus, Logan considering how his life was about to change and imagining James doing the same as he stared at his window. Their hands were clasped between them through the silence, neither willing to let go until they had to, and that was enough for Logan.

As they pulled into the campus lot, Logan squeezed James' hand. "Penny for your thoughts," he said with a smile.

James chuckled, shaking his head. "That doesn't really work because I'm not a wise man and my thoughts aren't worth sharing."

"Your thoughts are always worth sharing, James. I want to hear them."

"I'm just...a lot of things."

"Scared?"

"Yeah. I mean, I believe that you meant every word you said and that in this moment, you want us to be together. But what happens when you get tired of me? I'm annoying, we've established that."

Logan nodded slowly, considering how he could make James understand that his feelings weren't going to change. "I guess what you have to-"

"Think about it, Logan," James interrupted. "Do you even remember how many times you wanted to leave me somewhere during that trip? How badly you couldn't wait to get here so you never had to see me again?"

"James, that's not fair. I was a different person then, I didn't know what it could be like to let someone in the way I did you. I was terrified to be stuck in a car with a stranger and then you were so..."

James stared at Logan as he parked the car and shut it off. "So what?"

"You were so like no one I had ever met before. I had no idea how to handle you, and you pushed my boundaries and forced me into things that made me uncomfortable and you shoplifted, for Heaven's sake. You almost got me arrested. Of course I wanted to run away."

"Then why didn't you? I think that's what I'm having the hardest time with," James admitted. "I don't understand why you didn't run then, and why you wouldn't now. I've changed a little, too, but I'm still that guy who annoyed the fuck out of you for two days and you wanted to get rid of."

"James..." Logan sighed and turned to face him, the lights from the parking lot bright enough that it wasn't difficult to make out the fear in his expression. "I don't deny any of that. And I know it hurt you, but I went through the same thing. All I heard that last day was how you couldn't wait to get to Hollywood so you could leave behind everything from your old life, and that included me. I'd never been hurt like that before. I put my heart into something so deeply and it shattered every time you said you wanted to forget everything once we got here. I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel like a bother, the truth is you were exactly what I needed. I just didn't know it at the time."

"I was scared, Logan. I'd fallen in love with someone who didn't want me around, and-"

"But I did. It terrified me, but I wanted you and you kept pushing me away. I tried a few times to suggest we stay in touch, but every time I did you shot me down. You interrupted me to say things like 'We should get going' and suddenly you were the one in such a hurry and...I didn't want to say goodbye at the station. You had to know that, James, I wasn't hiding it."

"For all of the reasons I've already mentioned, I was scared. You scared me like nothing else in my life ever had, babe. You made me feel again. I didn't think I was capable of that anymore. I'm just worried that spending so much time with me is gonna remind you of all the reasons I annoyed you and-"

"Hey," Logan interrupted gently, reaching up to run a hand through hair that was so much shorter but still just as soft and luxurious as it had been months ago. "What you don't seem to understand is that spending so much time with you had the opposite effect—the more I got to know you, the more I liked you. Instead of pushing me further away, it only brought me closer to you. Yeah, we're different and we go about life in different manners but we have respect for each other and we want the same things. That's so important, James, our goal is the same and we support each other. We love each other. Everything else falls in line."

James licked his lips nervously before hesitantly asking, "So you're not gonna be annoyed with me all the time?"

"I'm sure there will be times you annoy me," Logan smiled, resting his hand at the back of James' neck. "Just as I'm sure there will be times I annoy you. But you have to understand that even when that happens, I'm not going anywhere. I will always be here for you, James Diamond, and I will always love you."

"And will you marry me?"

Logan froze, eyes wide and jaw dropping for a moment. "Did you just...are you...?"

"Well, no. Not officially. I just meant is that something you would consider one day? Because I want that, I want a man who will marry me."

"I already said I would," Logan whispered, dragging James close enough to kiss him passionately. "And I meant it. When the time is right...yes. I'll marry you. But I expect more than this for a proposal next time."

James grinned, pressing one more kiss to Logan's lips. "I promise I'll make it special. Just promise me you'll say yes."

"Yes," Logan breathed, the car suddenly seeming too confined. "Can we get inside now?"

"Oh, is Mr. No-More-Sex-in-Public getting hot?" James asked delightedly. "Wait, is there an elevator in your building?"

"Absolutely not." Logan stepped out of the car, slamming the door in his hurry to get to James and drag him toward the dorm. He took James' hand once he'd climbed out, then pulled him along quickly. "You'll just have to have one installed in our house once we're rich. Wait, where are my—no," Logan groaned.

James laughed while shaking a set of keys in Logan's face. "You'd be so lost without me."

Snatching them away in frustration, Logan sighed. "Which is precisely why you need to stick around."

James nodded and squeezed Logan's hand. "Done."

* * *

Two hours later the Willy Wonka movie still hadn't made an appearance, James and Logan focusing on each other so intensely that as usual, nothing else existed in their world. Logan kept having to hush James, who complained he missed their hotel rooms and insisted that next time they got together, it would be in his room.

"What about your roommate?" Logan wondered. "It's his house, he can't very well leave."

"He's never home on Saturday nights anyway, goes to a million parties and always ends up passed out somewhere until morning. He says that way he can drink as much as he wants and not have to worry about driving home."

"So you're telling me that every weekend we'll have a place to go that won't cost us any money, and we can be as loud as we want?"

"For one night, yes."

"One night's all we need," Logan breathed, gasping when a finger was suddenly thrust into him. "Oh god, it's been so long."

"Let's see how hard it is for _you_ to stay quiet," James grinned.

Eventually they made it to the shower, Logan hating to be a mess, and minutes later James was relaxed and content in Logan's bed while Logan rained kisses over his chest and stomach.

"I love your lips," he whispered, fingers reaching down to glide through Logan's hair.

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm."

"Is that why you always have to come back for a kiss before you leave?"

"It's your kisses that I fell in love with."

"Then why did you stop me that first night? I could've kissed you all night."

"Because if I didn't, I might've ruined it by trying for more. You said kisses were all you could handle, and the few times I went for your neck you freaked out."

"That's because it felt so good that it scared me."

"Yeah, I was having the same issue. I wanted so badly to know what it would be like to have sex with you that I didn't trust myself, because the more we kissed the more I wanted. You weren't ready. And you really did need sleep. But kissing you...that was the best birthday present I could've asked for, Logan."

"Glad I could help," Logan smiled, kissing James' lips softly now before settling down and ready for the arms that pulled him close in the bed that was small but good enough for cuddling. Through more kisses to James' neck, he asked, "Do you have enough for a plane ticket home?"

Though James' body tensed, he replied, "Yeah."

"I already bought mine, but if there aren't tickets left for that flight we'll find another."

"I'm surprised you don't want to drive," James chuckled.

"We can do that for Christmas. I get two weeks off then. Unless...will you have time?"

"I can't know what Christmas will be like. Wherever I am, I'll find a way to fly home to you if I have to, okay? This is of course assuming your mom doesn't hate me after meeting me."

"She won't, James. I promise. You're exactly the kind of person she wanted me to find."

"Really?" James asked in surprise. "I thought she wanted you with a girl."

"I don't think that part matters as long as you're making me live and take chances and you take care of me and know what I need. She worries about me."

"I'll make sure she knows you're safe with me." James hugged Logan tighter, Logan cuddling as close as he was able. "I'm still scared to meet her, though."

"I know. It'll be fine." It took Logan another ten seconds to get up the courage to ask, "Do you think I'll ever get to meet your mom?" When there was no immediate denial, Logan lifted his face to see that James was doing an indoor version of staring out the window—his eyes were glazed as if he was seeing nothing of his surroundings, but instead looking in at himself. Logan waited patiently.

"She asked Shelly for my new number," James finally said quietly.

"When?"

"About a month after we got here and she realized I wasn't coming back."

"Did Shelly give it to her?"

"No. I made her promise not to."

"Did you also make her promise not to give it to Kendall?"

"Yes."

Logan nodded, unsurprised. "So your mom misses you?"

James blinked so rapidly that Logan lifted a thumb up to catch the tears he knew would be coming. "She left him," James whispered.

Shocked by the words, Logan sat up in the bed. He positioned his body so that he was facing James, running a hand soothingly down his side. "Why?"

"She told Shelly..." It was difficult for him to talk about, and Logan wondered if he would close up again but after a struggle he was able to get the words out. "She said to tell me she believes me now and she's sorry. Shelly didn't know what it meant, but...you know."

"Yeah, I know," Logan nodded, taking one of James' hands in both of his and lifting it to his lips. He kissed it softly, palm and wrist and the underside of his forearm, all gestures he knew would calm James. "How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know," James admitted, closing his eyes at the gentle kisses. "I feel like it's too late, you know? Where was she when I needed her? Why did it take me leaving to wake her up? How could she not believe her own son?"

Knowing James needed to cry about this, Logan did nothing to stem the tears breaking through James' closed eyelids. "Sometimes it's easier to not see things we don't want to see. I'm not excusing her, James. I don't know if she can ever make up for years of allowing you to be abused."

"She can't," James choked, Logan pulling a tissue from his nightstand and wiping away tears as they fell. "What pisses me off most is that I still miss her and I still love her and I want to call her so bad. I fucking hate her."

Now his entire body was shaking as he sobbed. Logan lifted him from the bed and held him tight as he clutched at Logan desperately. "Why can't I stop loving her?"

"Because she's your mom," Logan answered softly, blinking away tears of his own; he'd never known it was possible to hurt so deeply simply because someone he loved was hurting. "I wanted to be mad at my dad, too, remember? He can't make up for the years of abandonment any more than your mom can, but he's trying. He's truly sorry and maybe your mom is, too. If she really left your dad, that means she's trying and she loves you."

"I just wanted to forget, Logan. I wanted to leave that place and never go back and to forget everything, but I can't. I miss her so much."

"Then talk to her. You don't have to take her back into your life, you don't owe her anything. But if you don't at least give her a chance to say she's sorry, then you'll both be miserable. You need to hear it as badly as she needs to say it."

"I want her to meet you. She doesn't even know I like guys, she always thought Shelly was my girlfriend. I kept telling her that wasn't the case, but she wanted to believe it, so she did."

"Yeah, your mom sounds like a real winner when it comes to facing the truth."

"She can be so stupid," James sighed, shifting away from Logan enough to wipe at his eyes and nose. "But I want to show her that she was wrong, that I _am_ worthy of someone like you and that I'm so much more than she ever saw in me. I don't need to be a family again, I can live without-"

"You'll be part of my family, James. I remember you saying you wanted that, to be part of a family. You'll have that with me. Kendall already knows you, and once he hears you finally stopped fighting this he'll welcome you as my boyfriend. I'm not worried at all about you and Carlos getting along, I think you two are a lot alike. Mom's going to love you, and once they get used to the idea of Kendall and I both being gay, his mom and sister will love you, too. And don't forget that my dad already wants us together."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He knows I'm in love with you, he just never knew you felt the same way."

"Well...I didn't want to feel the same way."

"Too bad, boyfriend. You're mine now."

James managed a tiny laugh before hugging Logan close again. "I'm afraid to go home because I'm afraid I won't be able to stay away from her. I'm not ready yet."

"Then we'll do it at Christmas. She doesn't have to know you're there, James."

"If..." James swallowed, taking a deep breath and bracing himself. "If I do go see her, will you come with me?"

"Absolutely. I'd go even if you told me not to. I'm not leaving you alone with her, not when she has the power to hurt you."

"Logan, I don't-"

"You came to the restaurant that first night because you knew I'd need you when meeting my dad. I'll be there with you, James. Don't decide right now. See how you feel once you get back home and-"

"I'm not staying in that house."

"You don't have to. If you want to see her, she can come to my house. Or we can meet her somewhere else, I don't care. But you're not going back into that house and you're not meeting with her alone. Understand?"

James' reply was to hold Logan tight, taking strength from him.

"I'm here," Logan whispered, and James nodded. "Did you ever erase that playlist?"

"No."

"Do you want to call her?"

"It's after midnight there."

"Is that a no?"

"It's..."

"Call her."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"You are. It's been on your mind for over a month and you think about it every day."

"No, I've been thinking about _you_ every day."

"Both of us, because we're both people you can't stop loving no matter how much you want to."

"Assholes."

"I'll tell you what," Logan laughed, reaching out to pick up his phone and passing it to James. "Call her from my phone, that way she doesn't have your number. If you don't ever want to speak to her again, you don't have to."

"What if she keeps calling you after that?"

"I'd rather she hound me than you. Just get it over with, James. What was it you said earlier? If this isn't a day to take chances, I don't know what is. You made your peace with me, now do it with her—even if it's just to tell her you don't want to talk to her again." When James continued to stare down at the phone, Logan urged, "Do it."

"What if she-"

"What if she doesn't?"

"You don't even know what I was gonna say."

"Doesn't matter, because I know you're scared she'll say something you don't want to hear. And my answer to that is, what if she doesn't? What if she says everything you've always wanted to hear from her?"

James shook his head. "It's too late for that. Even if she does, it's too late."

"Then tell her that. But...make your peace with it and move on."

After ten long seconds of inner struggle, James typed in the number and hesitated. It was Logan who pressed the send button to connect the call, then immediately put it on speaker. "I'm here," he whispered, and James gripped his hand tight while the phone rang, face white with terror.

"Who the hell is calling me in the middle of the night?"

James froze at the angry tone, Logan seeing that he already regretted the call.

"Really? You're going to call and wake me up and not even say anything? Hell was created for assholes like you, I'm going to-"

"Mom," Logan interrupted, James' eyes flying wide open as he stared at Logan in confusion, but Logan continued. "Mom, it's me."

There was a heavy silence that was finally filled with a hesitant voice unlike her previous rants. "Jamie? Baby, is that you?"

The nickname undid him, Logan imagining it had been years since James had been addressed by the term. He blinked against an onslaught of tears, and Logan had to squeeze his hand hard before he could bring himself to speak. "Yeah."

"Where are you?"

"Home."

The word was unexpected, Logan wondering why James had lied before understanding that he hadn't; James was stating that he was with Logan, and that made it home.

"You're here?"

"No, Mom. I'm in L.A. This is my home."

"You're crying. Are you okay?"

"I'm..." He wanted to give up, Logan could see that this was too hard for him, but after an encouraging nod James spoke again. "Honestly, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I have everything I've always wanted."

"Then why are you crying?"

"Because..."

"James, talk to me. You called me for a reason."

"Yeah, and now I have no idea why I did. This is stupid. Goodbye, Mother."

"No, wait, James please wait, don't hang up, I...are you still there? James? Are you there?"

"Yeah."

"I was hoping you'd call, I...there's so much I want to say and I don't know where to start."

"Shelly said you wanted my number."

"I did. That bitch wouldn't give it to me."

"She's not a bitch, Mom, I told her not to. Don't be mad at her."

"She won't tell me anything about you."

"I didn't want you to know anything about me."

"James, I'm your mother. I deserve to know-"

"Nothing. You deserve nothing, Mother, because you weren't there when I needed you. Why now? Why did it take me leaving for you to care about me?"

Logan was glad to hear the anger breaking through the pain; this was a conversation James needed to have.

"Jamie, I've always cared about you. Why do you think I work so hard, it was to give you a life that-"

"A life you never wanted me to live. You wanted me to stay in that town forever and never follow my dreams and-"

"Of course I wanted you to stay here forever! What the hell would I ever do if you left? What would I have then? A husband who drinks so much he can barely function? You were all I had, James, and you left me!"

"You left me years ago! I had performances in school, Mom, remember those? The plays I did, you couldn't even manage to come to those when you knew how important they were to me!"

"Is it my fault I had meetings every time they would come up? I can't help it if-"

"So miss a meeting! Reschedule one, you're the fucking boss! You couldn't even-"

"Don't you take that tone with me, young man. I may not be Mother of the Year but I deserve a little respect, I-"

"You let your husband beat me half to death, and then when I tried to tell you, you believed him over me! What kind of mother does that? All I ever wanted was-"

"I'm sorry."

The words were spoken so quietly they almost slipped past Logan, but when he glanced up at James he saw a shock so profound it left James speechless for a few seconds. "You...you what?"

"I'm sorry, James. I...if I'd known...I never wanted to believe...baby, please don't hate me, I can't take it back but I'm sorry and I'd do anything to change that but I can't, I know I've lost you forever but please don't...I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."

Once again James was thrown into shock, probably because he'd never heard his mother crying before.

"Don't hang up, please don't hang up, I'm so bad at this, I don't know how to be a proper mother, I want you to—"

"You did."

"What?"

"You did know how, when I was little and you didn't work. You were the best mom in the world," James said in a voice thick with emotion. "What the fuck happened, Mom? Where did you go and why did you leave me?"

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I wanted so much for you, we never had money and your father couldn't keep a job and it was up to me, please try to understand that I did it for you."

Both of them were crying now, Logan the only one dry-eyed as he handed James another tissue that he used before saying, "All I ever wanted was you home."

"We were starving, Jamie, do you even remember that? Remember when we'd go to the church for food and-"

"Yes, but Mom...I was happy. You made everything fun even though we were struggling, you used to bake me cookies and-"

"You remember that?"

"Of course. Peanut butter with chocolate chips, we'd make them every weekend and-"

"And do you remember when I couldn't do it anymore because we didn't have the money? You were sad for days, there were so many things I couldn't do for you anymore. I had to work, honey, there was no choice."

"I know, Mom, but...did you have to work every second of the day?"

"I was home when I could be. I didn't ever want to be in that position again so I worked hard to move up in the company and then-"

"I missed you. I know why you did it, but Mom...I missed you. All you had to do was come home and cook dinner for me. That would've been enough. I missed talking to you and watching movies and what about the park? That was free, we used to go to the park and have picnics and you couldn't even do that with me anymore."

"Honey...I know you can't understand this, but the more I stayed away, the harder it was to come home every night. Your dad...he made it difficult to want to be home."

"Then you should've taken me out of there and found us a place, just the two of us, we could've-"

"With what money, James? It took me years to get where I am now, making enough money to support myself. And by the time I did get there, you hated me. You wanted nothing to do with me. I'd come in at night to tell you I loved you and you wouldn't even look at me."

"Because I didn't believe it. You never showed it. Every once in awhile you'd be the mom I remembered and it hurt worse every time you disappeared again. I gave up, Mom. I just gave up. The only time I ever saw you was late at night when I was already in bed."

"You weren't even home half the time."

"Neither were you, and do you blame me? I didn't want to be home with him. He was-"

"I know," she interrupted, cutting James off. "I know that now. I should've known it then. You never mentioned it again after that one time, how was I supposed to know that-"

"You should've known anyway. I'm your child, you should've known something that huge. I shouldn't have to tell you that your own husband was beating me up. All you had to do was open your eyes, Mom."

"I know," she whispered, sadness evident in the tone. "I'd give anything to take that back and have you here with me again. I miss you, Jamie."

"I miss you, too, Mom, but...I'm happy here. I've got a T.V. show and a few movies and I found the love of my life. I'm never going back."

"Would you allow me to come see you?"

"Like you have time for that?"

"I'll make time. Just like I should have done over the years."

Logan offered James a smile and squeezed his hand. "Whatever you can handle," he whispered.

"I'm coming home for Thanksgiving," James finally said.

"What? You are? You just said you're never-"

"Not to your house. I'm going home with Logan to meet his family. He's from Minnesota, too, and we're flying in next week."

"Logan...James, are you gay and you never told me?"

"I'm bi, but...I guess gay works, too, since I don't plan to date girls anymore."

"How could you not tell me this? All that time I thought Shelly was your-"

"And I told you she wasn't. You never listened. That's your problem, Mom, you never listened to anything I had to say."

"Well, I'd like to change that now. When can I meet this Logan?"

"I'm not sure. I don't even know if I want to see you when I visit."

"You do, James, or you wouldn't have told me you're coming."

Logan smirked because he'd had the same thought.

"I don't know," James sighed. "Right now I don't know anything except that I'm happy here and I can't go back inside that house."

"I moved out, got an apartment. Is he handsome?"

"Gorgeous," James answered immediately, gaze locked on Logan. "He's smart and shy and cranky and beautiful."

"Is he an actor as well?"

"Nope. Student at UCLA. Studying to be a doctor."

"A doctor? James, how in the world did you ever meet a boy like that?"

James smiled softly. "It's a long story."


	30. Chapter 30

A/N-Sorry I haven't updated in so long, life has been crazy. Thanks for still being here to read along!

And to the person who left a guest review yesterday, I can't tell you how much your words meant to me. I write for fun, but hearing that my words touch people so deeply is an amazing feeling. I'm so happy you gave this story a chance. Thank you. I wish you had signed in so I could message you! :)

* * *

"Do you feel any better?"

Cuddled up with Logan in the small bed, James shrugged and kissed his hair. "I'm not really sure. I feel a lot of things right now."

"Are you mad I made you call her?"

"I would be if I hadn't made you talk to your dad that first time."

"Exactly," Logan grinned. "See? We're good for each other."

"I don't know that what just happened was good."

"It certainly wasn't bad. You know that she misses you and loves you and wants to try to make up for the past. Even if she really can't," Logan added, before James could say it.

"I guess. Still wish I didn't care so much about what she thinks."

"Well, just remember what we talked about a long time ago. One day you'll show her that she should've believed in you from the start."

James nodded, still lost in thought as he ran a hand up and down Logan's back. "You sure you want to meet her?"

"Oh, absolutely."

Surprised by the vehemence behind the answer, James tilted Logan's chin up so they could look into each others' eyes. "Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"Because she's important to you. Not many people are."

"Don't expect her to go easy on you just because you're studying to be a doctor. She acts like she doesn't care about me, but I already know she's gonna be all 'What makes you think you're good enough for my son?'"

"Oh, I'm so ready for that woman. Bring it on."

"Damn, Logan," James chuckled. "Should I be worried?"

"No, I just...nobody hurts the man I love. It's going to take some time for her to gain my forgiveness, too."

James leaned down to kiss Logan's lips lightly. "I love you. We're gonna make this work."

"I never doubted that," Logan whispered.

* * *

"It's about time!" Kendall exclaimed upon answering his phone the following evening. "Is this how it's gonna be, you hang out with James and I don't hear from you for days?"

"Sorry," Logan blushed. He'd dropped James off at the house and after being introduced to Johnny as "the love of my life," promised James he would call before bed. "There's been a lot going on."

"Okay, but I was starting to worry. I haven't heard from you since you met up with him yesterday. Have you been with him this whole time?"

"Yeah. It was incredible."

"Yeah? So he's not running anymore?"

"Nope. Not running anymore." Taking the freeway entrance, Logan sped up and merged with traffic before continuing. "It took a lot of talking to get him to believe I'm not going anywhere. That was his biggest fear, that he'd fall in love with me and then I'd leave him."

"I never had to deal with that. I don't think it ever occurred to Carlos this might not be forever."

"Has it occurred to you?" Logan asked curiously.

"Not really. We're both happy. I'm still nervous about telling Mom everything, but not enough to keep me from doing it. Is James coming for Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah. We bought him the ticket today. I'm...kind of numb right now, Kendall. It's all hitting me, that I finally have him and I don't have to miss him anymore."

"Please tell me you got his number officially."

"I did," Logan laughed. "I'm going to call him every single night, and we get one day a week together that's just our time. So don't expect to hear much from me on Sundays."

"That's fine," Kendall chuckled. "Sundays are kind of our downtime, too. We don't go anywhere except maybe the store, we just watch T.V. and make out and oh, I guess I'm talking to you, too. But Carlos doesn't mind that, he knows I was worried about you."

"Where is he right now?"

"Making dessert. Dude, I'm gonna be so fat by the time I see you again."

"It's only a few days away," Logan chuckled. "And I can't believe it's already Thanksgiving. Remember how that seemed like a lifetime, back when we first said goodbye?"

"Yeah. A lot's changed, hasn't it?"

"Yeah." There was a brief moment of sadness for what Logan knew he would never have again with Kendall and the knowledge that he was no longer number one in Kendall's life. It passed when he remembered that Kendall was no longer number one in his, either. "I never expected I'd be bringing someone home with me."

"I wanted that for you, but I didn't think it would happen, either. Not so soon."

"It's good, though. I needed someone like James."

"You did," Kendall agreed. "You do. But if he breaks your heart again, he's-"

"He won't," Logan smiled. "He has a hard time getting over loved ones."

"Have there been that many?"

"Only two, from what I can tell. Well, three if you count Shelly. He couldn't let her go, either, even though he tried."

"So who's the third?"

"His mom. Long story."

"Yeah, Shelly said he doesn't get along well with his parents. Your mom's gonna love him, Logan."

"I know," Logan sighed, "once she gets over the shock of him being a guy. I'm not really sure how to break that to her. Do I just introduce James as my boyfriend? Do we have the talk before that? It's not something I want to say on the phone."

"I'm just gonna let it ride and tell my mom when it feels right."

"Kendall, that's a horrible plan."

"It's how I live, Logan. Try it sometime, you won't stress out as much."

Logan sighed again, wondering what had happened to the elation he'd been feeling for the past two days.

"What's wrong? You should be over the moon right now, dude, you finally got the man of your dreams."

"I am, I just...I don't know what to expect. There's a lot we haven't talked about yet."

"Like what?"

"Like his career, as far as I'm concerned. It's hitting me now that he might not want anyone to know about us. I considered that as a reason for him to not want me back in August, and that hasn't changed—being a gay man in the film industry is tough and I don't want to hold him back in any way."

"It's not like we're living in the fifties, Logan. It's more accepted today than it ever has been."

"Yes, but it can still limit the roles he gets. Not everyone is accepting of it."

"Then talk about it with him. Make sure he knows what he's getting into."

"I'm sure he already knows. I'm just afraid it's going to make him run again."

"Oh? Who's doubting who now, Logan?"

"I'm not, it's-"

"You are. Did you two agree to make it official? He's actually your boyfriend now?"

"Yes, but what if he starts thinking everything through now that we're apart? I met his roommate, the guy knows a lot about the industry and he might talk James out of-"

"Did you get that impression when you met the roommate?"

"What impression?"

"Like he didn't approve?"

"No," Logan admitted. "He seemed really happy for James, made it sound like he'd suspected all along there was someone James was in love with."

"So what are you worried about? If James loves you even half as much as you love him-"

"He does. And he finally seems okay with it, he's not hiding it now and it's amazing. I just don't want to lose that."

"Logan. For the first time in your life, just take things day by day."

"I don't know how to do that."

"Let James teach you. Can you imagine ever not loving him?"

"No. I'll love him until the day I die."

"I'm sure he feels the same way. Remember his song, Logan? He will always love you. You two just need to forget about all the other crap and focus on that, because it's what's most important. Do you think it's easy for me and Carlos? We're around a bunch of jocks every day, how do you think they like it when we hold hands or when Carlos jumps on my back like a five-year-old?"

"He does that?" Logan chuckled, trying to picture it.

"He's not shy about anything. It was weird at first, but...Carlos taught me to just not care. There are a few guys on the team that avoid us, and it hurts. But most of them are fine, they accept us and one even showed up at the apartment last night to talk because he's a closet gay and it's killing him, he wanted advice. Seeing us together actually gave him hope that he could be himself and not be ostracized off the team. So see, Logan? James could end up inspiring people just by being himself in a public way. How would he feel about that?"

"I think he'd love it. And I think that even if he tried to keep us a secret, it wouldn't last long because the second a pretty girl smiles at me or a hot guy flirts with me, he'd make it known that I'm taken."

"Yeah? He's that possessive?"

"Very much so. It's..." Logan suddenly laughed, recalling a conversation they'd had the second day of their trip.

"What's so funny?"

"It's just funny how things change. I was about to say it's really hot, how possessive he is of me, and I remembered him saying that during our trip. We were talking about how Taurans are possessive and he said that was hot, and I couldn't fathom how it would be. I get it now. Kendall, there are so many things I didn't understand then but I completely do now. He's opened up my eyes to so much I never thought I'd experience."

"Don't let that go, don't let your silly little fears mess it up, okay? And make sure he doesn't do the same thing. Just let yourselves be happy, dude."

Logan nodded slowly as he pulled into the campus parking lot, remembering the night before and how James had managed to get him wound up before they even stepped out of the car. "We are. Right now in this moment, I'm happier than I've ever been."

"Hold onto it, then. Don't let that go. If he runs, go after him."

"I will. Every single time."

"Good. Now if you're okay, I have ice cream that's melting and a boyfriend that's pouting at me over it. You cool if I go?"

"Yeah, of course. I'm back at the dorm anyway. Thanks, Kendall. Sorry I wasn't in touch for a while, I was just-"

"I get it, sex will distract a person. And I still don't understand how you had sex before me."

"Because James Diamond is like a tornado that rips through your life and uproots everything to turn it on its head. You can never recover from the damage left behind."

"Then make something of it."

"I am. We are. Tell Carlos we're counting on that homemade salsa."

"I will," Kendall laughed. "Goodnight, buddy."

"Night, Kendall."

* * *

The flight back to Minnesota ended up being an opportunity for Logan to be the strong one, as it turned out that James had an almost-debilitating fear of flying. It had never been Logan's favorite thing, either, but he withstood it easily enough that it wasn't a problem and secretly enjoyed the chance to make James feel safe for once. Of course James was the type to make a scene, and managed to embarrass Logan plenty during the coaxing to get him on the actual plane, but eventually they were seated and Logan distracted him with their beloved road games until he was calm enough to fall into an exhausted sleep in Logan's arms. While James rested peacefully, Logan allowed his mind to consider different scenarios of the upcoming visit, and when James awoke it was his turn to distract Logan from his own thoughts.

"It's gonna be fine," James whispered, kissing Logan's temple, and finally Logan was able to close his eyes with the belief that it was, because James would be with him and James wasn't going anywhere.

Logan's mother greeted him in the terminal with the tightest, longest hug he'd ever received in his life, and when she finally stepped back it was to stare at him in surprise. "You hugged me back," she said in wonder.

"I always do, Mom."

"No, you tolerate my hugs and sometimes pat me on the back. This time you actually put your arms around me and hugged me back. California's been good for you."

Logan blushed but grinned, knowing it wasn't the state that had shown him how to be affectionate. He reached back for the man standing far enough behind that Logan knew he was terrified, dragging James closer by the sleeve of his jacket. "I've been through a lot in the past three months. Mom, this is James Diamond."

Having only been told that James would be accompanying Logan because he "didn't want James to spend Thanksgiving alone," Logan's mother studied him with open curiosity. "Hello, James. I'm Joanna."

"Hi." James offered a tentative smile, holding out a hand to shake. "I've heard you love to cook."

"I do!" Joanna laughed. "If you love to eat, you've come to the right place."

"James definitely loves to eat," Logan grinned. "But he also likes to cook."

"Really? Maybe we can trade recipes while you're here!"

"Oh, no," James argued, "it's nothing like that. Just simple things, casseroles and boxed mashed potatoes."

"He did make a great cake once, so I've been told," Logan offered. "Speaking of which, Mom, are you making the chocolate peanut butter cake? I promised James that."

"Bought the ingredients this morning. I could always use some help around the kitchen if you're willing, James. How are you at baking?"

"Uh...not too experienced," James admitted, his cheeks flushing in a way Logan had never witnessed but found adorable. "I'm up for new things, though."

"Wonderful. I'll teach you how to bake cherry cobbler, it's Logan's favorite and probably the easiest thing you could make."

The blush got more intense, James suddenly shy, and Logan had a difficult time refraining from taking his hand. "I love that idea," he smiled. "Feel free to mess it up a few times so you keep having to make it over and over and over." When James managed a quiet chuckle, Logan urged, "Come on, let's go get our bags."

Logan allowed himself to press a reassuring hand to James' back as they walked, knowing that was as good as speaking the words to him.

* * *

Their first opportunity to be alone wasn't until they'd arrived at the Mitchell home and were dropping their bags in Logan's bedroom (James of course having three to Logan's one). Logan closed the door and immediately turned to him, searching James' face with his gaze. "You holding up okay?"

"Oh my god, Logan, she's so amazing. She's literally everything I ever wanted in a mom. I'm so afraid she'll hate me when she finds out about us."

"She won't," Logan soothed, stepping closer to kiss James softly. "I promise. She already likes you."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I could tell by the way she talked to you on the drive home. I promise, babe, you've got nothing to worry about. Even if by some miracle she didn't like you, that wouldn't affect the way I feel. I'm yours no matter what anyone else thinks."

"No wonder you're so amazing," James sighed, holding Logan close. "You get it from her. I've just been so scared that-"

"I know. But you've got four days to spend with her and win her over. You already started that when you mentioned cooking, and if you let her teach you how to bake things, she'll never want you to leave. Kendall and I were never interested enough in it, she wants someone who will appreciate and learn from her. I think she always had a daughter-in-law in mind for that, but I'm learning that life doesn't always work out the way you planned."

"Nope. Good thing for us, huh?" James grinned, kissing Logan's nose and melting him in the process. "You're so gorgeous."

"You're so perfect," Logan countered, lifting up until they could kiss properly and only stepping back when he was in danger of losing the ability to stop. "You're exhausted."

"I didn't sleep much last night," James admitted. "Between the plane and meeting your mom and the thought of seeing mine again, I couldn't shut my brain off."

"You should've called me. I wouldn't have minded."

"But you needed your sleep, too."

"I'll forgive you if you nap."

"Oh, will be joining me for this nap?" James asked, eyes dancing.

"Maybe after we tell Mom about us. In the meantime, it might look strange. Rest, James. You're safe here, and I won't be any farther away than the kitchen."

"Promise? You're not gonna go run off to Kendall's without me?"

"He's not even flying in until later tonight, and he'll be too busy with Carlos and Katie anyway. But no, I wouldn't do that. I'd take you with me."

James sat on the edge of the bed and toed off his shoes, somehow seeming small and vulnerable in his fear.

"It's gonna be okay," Logan said softly, kneeling between James' legs and welcoming the hard kiss James dragged him into. It was a kiss about possession, James reassuring himself that Logan belonged to him and Logan returning it fiercely until a hand started to toy with his belt. "Uh uh," Logan panted, "now is not the time."

"You so want it to be," James murmured, the hand sliding down to cup him through the jeans so that Logan arched into it.

"Every second of every day," Logan agreed, hissing when James' mouth suctioned onto his neck. "Stop that, you know I can't fight that." He thrusted against the hand that was rubbing him just right, head falling back in surrender. "You have to stop."

"Make me," James whispered, his breath tickling Logan's throat so that Logan shivered, and it would never cease to amaze him how intensely James could affect him, sometimes even with just a look.

"Babe, we'll have time tonight, my mom could walk in at any second, I didn't lock-"

The words were like a bucket of cold water poured over James' head; he pulled his hands back as if burned after shoving Logan away. "You're right, I don't want her to hate me for taking advantage of her son in her own home. Stop being so sexy."

Logan chuckled, ridding James of the leather jacket before pushing him back onto the bed. "Sleep. You really do need it."

"Wake me up in an hour? I don't want to miss out on time with you and your mom."

"Deal. I can't believe you're here in my bed. This is...I never imagined anyone would share this bed with me except Kendall."

"Yeah, you're totally getting fucked in this bed tonight."

Logan shook his head, not addressing the comment other than to say, "Always jealous of Kendall. When will you realize he's nothing compared to you?"

"After I have you screaming my name in this bed. Obviously muffled by a pillow, but you get my point."

"Go to sleep." Logan tucked James in, James staring up with so much love it made Logan's heart squeeze. "I love you," he whispered, kissing James goodnight.

"You know what I am?" James smiled, and when Logan shook his head, he continued, "I'm some lucky bitch. All I ever wanted from the moment I kissed you."

"You've got it." He kissed James' forehead before straightening. "Sweet dreams."

Logan watched James' body relax under blankets he'd snuggled under for years, sleep taking him over quickly. It was a sight he would never forget as long as he lived.

* * *

"There you are!" his mother exclaimed when Logan returned to the kitchen. "Is James okay? He's so quiet. Or is that normal for him?"

"James, quiet?" Logan laughed. "No, he's hard to shut up unless he's brooding over something. He was up all night worried about this trip, so he's tired. He's going to sleep for a little bit."

"Oh. I was hoping he'd help me with the pies, he seemed so eager." She suddenly frowned. "Or is he like you and Kendall, who just humor me to make me happy?"

"Relax, Mom, I think he really does enjoy cooking. I guess we'll see when he wakes up. I can help with the pies. What are we making?"

"They're for tomorrow night, so don't even think about eating them. I'm doing apple and pumpkin, and Katie has requested a chocolate pie."

"Oh, James is going to be ecstatic over that. Where do I start?" Logan stepped over to the sink to wash his hands.

"Start peeling apples, there's a bag over there on the counter. Do you remember how I like them cut up?"

"Of course, Mom. What's for dinner tonight?"

"I haven't decided yet. Jennifer suggested we all get together at her place, kind of a pre-Thanksgiving party, but I thought I'd see how you felt about it. I still have so much baking to do. You're probably anxious to see Kendall, though."

"I am, but we have the next three days. What do you know about this Carlos that he's bringing home?"

"Jennifer said it's a friend of his from the team, his roommate?"

"Yeah. I've talked to him on the phone a lot, he seems like fun. Sometimes a little too much," Logan grinned as he opened the bag of apples. "He'd drive me insane. But he seems good for Kendall."

"Jennifer must have talked to him plenty, too, she's already fond of him and told me earlier that she can't wait to meet him. I can't say the same of James, since you never mentioned his name until a few days ago. I imagine you know him from school?"

Logan opened his mouth, wondering how much to divulge, but also knowing that since James was going to be around for a long time, it would make things easier to be honest. "No. I uh...Mom, you can't get mad. I mean, you can, but...I hope you don't."

Joanna's hands stilled over the pumpkin concoction she was blending in a bowl. "Mad? Why would I be mad, honey? You know you can tell me anything."

"I know, it's just...I lied to you. And I feel really bad about it, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do and I realize now that I should've just been honest."

Narrowing her eyes on Logan, Joanna turned from the counter to meet Logan's gaze at the counter running perpendicular to hers. "Logan Mitchell, you never lie to me. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing, Mom. I...when I drove out to Los Angeles back in August, I wasn't alone. James needed a ride out there and had lost all his money and was desperate, and Kendall conned me into taking him along. I was terrified at the thought of spending two days with a complete stranger, but it ended up being a good thing because it helped me learn how to deal with people better. I mean, look at me now, hugging you like a normal person."

"And making friends on campus," his mother commented, watching Logan nod. "So you're saying James helped you open up a little?"

As that was the understatement of the year, Logan replied, "A lot. He knew exactly how to handle my panic attacks and helped me through them during the trip. You know what a wreck I was, Mom."

"I do," she agreed, "and I was worried about you myself. I wish you'd told me, I would've felt better knowing you weren't making that drive by yourself. Why did you lie to me about it?"

"Because I knew you'd worry about the insurance. We have the-"

"Did he drive that car?"

"No. I never allowed him to during the drive out there."

"Then why would I worry about the insurance? As a passenger, he was covered under the plan."

"I know, I just...you know how I am, Mom. He was a stranger and I was already so scared about everything, and it happened suddenly. I didn't know until the night before that I was taking him and I was a basketcase. He just really needed to get out there."

"And you two kept in touch, obviously."

"Sort of."

"Well, he's here, so..." Joanna chuckled before spinning back to the pumpkin. "I'm just curious as to why he didn't go home for the holidays instead of coming here. And I'm not complaining, he's more than welcome. It's nice to see you with a friend for a change. Not that Kendall isn't that," she added hurriedly. "But I wanted you to make new friends."

"I know you did. I do have others, you know."

"Right, your roommate and that girl Suzi you went out with. Are you sure that's not going anywhere, Logan? Are there any other girls you've got your eye on?"

"There are not," Logan answered firmly, picking up the knife again. "But in addition to Suzi and Andrew, there's Jason. He's in my English class and I've been tutoring him, too. Really nice guy. And as for James, he doesn't get along with his parents well. We might go see his mom while we're here, but he still hasn't made up his mind about it."

"Just his mom?"

"Yeah. Dad's out of the picture, and that's for the best. He misses his mom, though. She just...has a lot to make up for."

"Is she spending Thanksgiving alone? Should we invite her over tomorrow?"

"Uh..." The idea hadn't even occurred to Logan. "I'm not sure how James would feel about that, but I'll ask."

"Okay, no pressure. I'd like to know how you 'sort of' keep in touch with someone."

"Oh, well..." Blushing hotly, Logan focused his attention on the apples. "We didn't plan to see each other again after the drive. He owed me money from it, so he paid me back about a month later. And then we met up one night at a restaurant. It was unplanned, he was there with a date."

"And you were...?"

"What?"

"Was that the night you were out with Suzi?"

"Oh. No, I was having dinner with Andrew. He had some things going on and left early, so James and I ended up hanging out after dinner."

"What about his date?"

"She um...I'm not really sure. She went home alone, that's all I know."

A timer suddenly dinged, and Joanna nodded toward the oven. "Honey, can you pull out the pie crusts, please? Just set them on that rack, they need to cool."

"Sure." Grateful for the reprieve from questions, Logan slipped on an oven mitt and did as instructed. "You know, James has made that chocolate cake before. The one with the peanut butter? He can maybe give you his recipe, if you haven't already found one."

"I found one, but I'm not sure about the frosting. I'll get his input before I—wait."

"What?"

"The day you called me during that drive, I remember you mentioning that cake. Is that where you got the idea for it? From him?"

"Yeah," Logan admitted. "He's really a fan of chocolate and peanut butter. I had to buy him three Reese's bars just to get him on the plane this morning. It's no wonder he crashed during the flight, probably had a sugar drop. James does love his sweets. And his burgers. And sundaes, and pretty much anything bad for you."

Joanna crossed her arms over her chest, a small smile curving up her lips. "I bet that drive was the most nerve-wracking, horrible two days of your life. How did you even survive someone like that?"

"You don't know the half of it," Logan chuckled. "Twice I almost left him stranded, but I couldn't do that. He's so aggravating sometimes, but..."

Almost hesitantly, she said, "I noticed something about him that you're probably not even aware of, and I'm scared to bring it up because it's the kind of thing you won't want to know. I'm afraid it'll send you running."

Logan's body went cold, his face paling. Finished peeling and chopping the apples, he dropped the pieces into a large bowl before stepping away from the counter and forcing himself to face his mother's scrutiny. "What's that?" he finally asked.

"You touch him a lot, Logan. Nothing major, but for you it's a lot. What I don't know is if you're like that with everyone now, or if he's just...special."

"Special how?" Logan managed, unsure what to do with his hands as the panic creeped up and breathing was more difficult to do.

"Logan, honey, calm down. There's nothing to be afraid of, I just don't want you to ignore something that might be exactly what you need. I know the idea probably scares you a lot, but there's no rule about love, it happens when you least expect it and sometimes with the last person on Earth you'd want to consider. I know you two are just friends but he looks at you a certain way and I can tell he's protective of you, he's always got a hand on your shoulder or-"

"Mom..." At a loss for words, Logan trailed off, not sure if she was saying what he thought she was, that she was okay with the idea, or if he should be worried about James' obvious affection.

"Honey...it's not just him. I've never seen you look at someone like that, either, and I know love scares you but it can be a magical thing, it-"

"But you always wanted me to find a girl to settle down with."

"What I always wanted was for someone to make you live. I don't care who that person is, Logan, as long as you're loved and you're in love, and you're happy. All I'm saying is that I think there's potential here, because he obviously adores you, and you shouldn't automatically discount any feelings you might have for him because he's a boy. The fact that you brought him home is so huge for you, Logan, do you even realize how far this boy has gotten under your skin if you worry about him so much that you invited him into your home?"

Logan struggled with an answer, knowing everything she said was true but also not wanting to admit he'd been keeping so much from her.

"Oh, this is torture," suddenly came from behind Logan, who didn't even have time to turn around before a large hand squeezed his shoulder and James launched into a speech. "I'm here because I'm crazy in love with your son and we're going to spend our lives together. He wasn't even the one fighting it all this time, it was me, I was an idiot and kept pushing him away but he finally broke me down and I'm not perfect, he could probably find someone so much better for him-"

"James, will you stop with that, there's no one better for me." Logan spun around to face him, hands clutching at his shirt as he opened his mouth to continue but James cut him off.

"He's the smartest person I've ever met but somehow he loves me too, and it's like this miracle that you never believe could actually happen but it did, he's the best thing that ever happened to me and he literally saved my life and I swear to you that I will spend the rest of mine making him happy and trying to be worthy of him because he's the most perfect thing to ever exist and I don't want to lose him and I don't know why he loves me, but he does, and with your blessing I'm going to marry him and give you grandchildren and make sure that anytime he's scared, he'll get through it because I'll find a way to be at his side. I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner but he didn't want to do it over the phone and I'm just so scared you won't like me but the truth is, even if you don't, I'm not going anywhere because I love him and I take care of him and he makes me happy. So...say what you will, Mrs. Mitchell, but he's mine and I'm not giving him up."

"You're so dramatic," Logan whispered, shaking his head with a smile.

"Well, you were just standing here freaking out. One of us had to do it."

Logan hugged James tight, burying his face in the safety of the chiseled chest that had become his favorite pillow. He'd almost forgotten his mother was there, but then she spoke.

"Mrs. Mitchell isn't my favorite thing; I prefer Joanna. You, however, can call me Mom."

Not wanting to miss what he knew would be the blinding smile he'd come to love, Logan immediately lifted his face to stare at James'; he was disappointed by the uncertainty he found there.

"Really?" James asked quietly, only his eyes showing how badly he wanted it to be true. "Sorry if I came on a little strong there, I just...he kind of brings out my crazy side."

"Oh please," Logan laughed. "You were crazy before I met you. And I loved you anyway."

Close to tearing up as she watched them together, her son at peace for the first time since she'd almost succumbed to death, Joanna crossed to them and pulled them both into a hug. "I've waited so long for him to find someone like you. Welcome to the family, James."

Feeling James' body tremble at the words and knowing James was about to break down, Logan attempted to make him laugh. "Told you she'd like you. Once again, Logan Mitchell is right and James Diamond is wrong."

Wiping his eyes against Logan's shoulder, James said, "You know something, babe? Just this once, James Diamond is happy to be wrong."


	31. Chapter 31

Three pies were done and they'd moved on to the cake when Logan's phone rang. He was a bit disappointed, as he'd learned that baking could be fun with James involved, and stepped out of the kitchen to take the call because his mother and James were both excitable and prone to outbursts of laughter that baffled Logan. It did his heart good, though, and as he answered the call from an unknown number he was smiling.

"Hello?"

"Logan?"

It was hard to hear, Logan squinting as if that would help him hear better somehow. "Yes? Hello?"

"Dude, it's me! Carlos!"

"Oh, hey! Why are we whispering?"

"I don't want Kendall to hear! Are you home?"

"Yeah, we've been here for hours. Is everything okay?"

"I need your help. Is there a pond somewhere around your town? Not a rink, I want an actual frozen pond."

"Uh, well...Mr. Jansen used to let us skate on his lake when it froze over, but I don't know if he still owns that property or if it's cold enough even if he does. What's going on?"

"I want to take Kendall skating, like on a real pond. But I want it to be a surprise."

"Hence the whispering," Logan nodded. "Hang on, let me ask my mom about it."

"Hurry, he'll be back any second!"

"Okay, okay, hold on." Logan peeked his head into the kitchen to a sight that would forever make him smile when he remembered it. His mother and James were both covered in flour and giggling, the white powder making James' hair look as if he'd dusted it with gray highlights. "Mom, does Mr. Jansen still have that pond on his property?"

"The one you guys skated on when you were kids? Yeah, but he charges now. Says he has to in case a kid gets hurt. He also makes the parents sign waivers before they're allowed to. Why, do you want to take James out for a romantic skate?" she teased.

"Oh, can we?" James grinned, his eyes lighting up. "That would be so cool! I heard about the pond as a kid but never got to go."

"Actually, Carlos wants to..." Suddenly remembering that his mother didn't know about Kendall and Carlos' true relationship, he finished with, "...see it. Kendall must have told him about it."

"Well, it's still going, but I don't think he opens it up until closer to Christmas. It's not cold enough yet."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Ducking back into the living room, Logan asked, "Carlos? You there?"

"Yeah, Mom, I made it here. We're at the airport now."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Kendall's there."

"Yup."

"The pond still exists, but it's not cold enough yet."

"Okay, thanks. I love you, too, Mom! I'll call you later."

"Bye," Logan chuckled, disconnecting the call and heading back into the kitchen. "Carlos and Kendall are at the airport."

"Cool!" James exclaimed. "When do we get to meet them?"

"I'll wait until Kendall calls, he might want time alone with his mom and sister first. And Carlos, of course."

"Right," James nodded, knowing they needed their own time to come clean. "Well, why don't we go out for dinner, just the three of us? I'll treat."

"James, no," Joanna argued. "You don't have to-"

"Let him, Mom," Logan grinned. "He enjoys it and hardly ever gets to treat anyone. As long as it's not sushi, I'm game."

"Oh, I love sushi!" Joanna reached for the pan James had pulled out from a cupboard. "Why can't we have sushi, Logan?"

"Because I just had it for James and I want something else. Hey babe, we never did get pizza, and I know a great place where we can sit and eat it."

"Do they have a jukebox?"

"They do," Logan answered. "Did you want to see Shelly at all while you're here?"

Looking guilty for a moment, James shrugged. "I didn't know how you'd feel about that, but she really wants to say hi before I go back."

"Why not invite her? I met her a few times when she was dating Kendall, but I feel like I owe her some gratitude."

"You really wouldn't mind?"

"I can share you for a few hours, I suppose."

James smiled and reached out for Logan, who backed away. "No way are you hugging me when you're covered in flour."

"Aww, come here, cutie. Let me hug you tight."

"Back off!"

James got close enough that Logan shrieked and ran from the kitchen, James on his heels and slamming the door before tackling him to the bed once they were in Logan's room.

"Now I have flour in my bed. Thanks a lot, jerk."

"Shut up and kiss me."

Logan did, not minding at all that his shirt was now peppered with white powder. "We'll need a shower before dinner."

"Twist my arm."

"Mom might not like that."

"Please, that woman finds it adorable every time we look at each other. She encouraged me to keep you from stressing out, and I know the best way."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing that in the same house as-"

James cut him off with another kiss, this one mind-blowing enough to make him forget the point he'd been trying to make. When James broke the kiss a minute later, he whispered, "I'll make you want me so bad you don't care who's in the next room."

"You always do," Logan breathed, then dragged James' face down to continue the kiss. He hoped his mother didn't mind their sudden absence, but in the next few seconds even that wasn't a concern. All that mattered was being possessed by James.

* * *

Dinner with Shelly helped Logan to understand something he hadn't been able to before—James' jealousy of Kendall. It didn't matter that he and Shelly no longer had romantic feelings for each other, they still shared inside jokes and memories that Logan would never be a part of. It was ridiculous to feel so envious when James put an arm around Shelly, but this was his first time witnessing James completely at ease around someone else. Ten minutes after her arrival, Logan was wishing he'd insisted on sitting next to James.

He was able to put the possessiveness aside enough to thank her, though, and to appreciate that just as he needed Kendall, James needed Shelly. It was refreshing and heartwarming to watch James reconnect with his best friend, even through the intense urge to remind Shelly verbally that James belonged to him now. Joanna seemed oblivious to the undercurrent swimming around the table, Logan grateful for that, but when the women escaped to the restroom for a few minutes it became apparent that James was more than aware of Logan's true feelings.

"So at what point are you gonna drag me under the table and fuck me?" James smirked, not at all bothered by the notion.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't play dumb. Every time she leans against me I'm afraid you might claw her face off. Not that I'm complaining, I know the feeling. But you do remember that she's just a friend, right?"

"Of course I remember," Logan snapped. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Logan. This is me you're talking to. I can read you like a book and I know that the second we step into your room tonight, you're gonna remind me that I belong to you. And if you also remember, I once said I find that incredibly hot."

Logan shrugged, not meeting James' eyes. "There's no reason for her to rest her head on your shoulder. That's _my_ shoulder."

"So Kendall doesn't do that with you?"

"No, Kendall does not do that with me."

"Well, girls are more into that sort of thing, I guess. But if we need to run to the car for a few minutes so you can get this out of your system, I'm more than willing to-"

"Don't even joke about it," Logan warned, eyes flashing as they caught James' gaze. "I'm not an animal, I can survive two hours of you sitting next to your best friend."

Leaning across the table, James smirked again while replying. "No, you can't, and I want you to promise me something."

"I won't hurt her."

"I want you to promise me that this never changes and twenty years from now you'll still have trouble keeping your hands off me when someone gets too close." When Logan didn't answer, James stretched out a hand, clutching Logan's tight once it was in place. "Promise me."

"James, this isn't the time or place."

"You're so hot right now, aren't you?"

"Later."

James grinned as the ladies returned, not letting go of Logan's hand after they'd taken their seats. Neither could wait to get back to the house.

* * *

They were halfway home when Kendall called, Logan smiling at the familiar ringtone. "Hey, stranger."

"Sorry I didn't call sooner, we were getting settled in and everything. Mom loves Carlos."

"No surprise there," Logan chuckled. "My mom loves James."

"This is true," Joanna agreed from behind the wheel.

From the front seat, which Logan had insisted he take due to his longer legs, James reached back to squeeze Logan's knee. "Say hi to Kendall for me."

"James says hi," Logan passed on. "And my mom wants to know what time we should be there tomorrow."

"Whenever's good, we already got the hard stuff out of the way."

"Oh? And is she cool with everything?"

"She was really surprised, but said she loves me no matter what. How did it go on your end?"

"The same. James made this dramatic speech about how he's going to love me for the rest of my life and marry me and give her grandkids. It's probably the best thing I've ever heard."

The hand squeezed Logan's knee again, Logan twining their fingers together.

"Are you kidding me?" Kendall asked. "He said all that?"

"Just blurted it out in that blunt way of his," Logan replied. "If I wasn't already in love with him, that would've done it."

"I got skills," James grinned, causing Joanna to laugh.

"Wow, so...marriage?"

"Not just yet," Logan chuckled. "Not for a long time. But...yeah. Someday."

"So not only did the shy, socially-crippled one have sex first, he also got engaged first."

"Not officially. That won't be for years."

"Or at least until Christmas," James offered, having guessed what they were talking about. "Beware of any small boxes you open, Logan Mitchell."

"He's so crazy," Logan said softly, heart full of affection. "We're almost home now, but we'll talk more tomorrow. Oh, and James has a request. He wants to know if we can watch the Willy Wonka movie together. Doesn't have to be tomorrow, but he's insisting we all do that before we go back."

"I think we own that," Kendall mused. "We never watched it?"

"Somehow we missed that one."

"Which is weird, because it's one of Katie's favorite movies. She says it's kind of sadistic, if you watch it right."

"Sounds like Katie. Kendall...I'm really glad we're home. I've missed you."

"I missed you, too, buddy. Carlos is foaming at the mouth to meet you and James, who he says is really hot."

"Mine."

"Relax, no one's gonna steal your man away. But he is really pretty."

"Mine," Logan repeated.

James smiled at Joanna as they pulled into the driveway. "I have no idea what they're talking about, but I love this conversation."

"So full of yourself," Logan muttered. "We're home now, Kendall. Tell Carlos we can't wait to meet him."

"Goodnight. It's good to be home, isn't it?"

Moving his gaze between his mother and his boyfriend, who were laughing as they climbed out of the car, Logan agreed. "It's the best."

* * *

As badly as James wanted to rush Logan off to bed, he was content to sit at the kitchen table with Joanna and her son enjoying mugs of hot cocoa because he sensed something heavy on Logan's mind. He suspected what it might be but when Joanna commented that Logan had grown so much from the overly anxious young man he'd been two months earlier and Logan's hand tightened around James' under the table, James was sure and linked fingers with Logan in encouragement.

"Sometimes you have to grow up," Logan said hesitantly. "James helped me with that, but being on my own went a long way toward maturity, too. I didn't have you to fall back on all the time."

"Logan, I would've welcomed you falling back on me," Joanna smiled. "You haven't done that since you were nine years old; we both know it was Kendall you depended on."

"Well, he has me now," James tossed out, unable to pass up an opportunity to claim Logan.

Logan squeezed James' thigh again, this time in a reassuring and "relax, I'm yours and I'm not going anywhere" way. He felt James back down and considered his next words. "Still, it was being on my own that forced me to grow up. Sometimes that's what you need to be brave enough to face the world and become part of it instead of hiding." He cleared his throat, searching for words again.

"Babe, it's okay," James said softly. "I promise."

Glancing up into the warm and reassuring gaze, Logan nodded once. "Mom, I need to tell you something and I don't know how you're gonna take it but I need you to understand that it changes nothing between you and me."

Joanna set down her steaming mug slowly, visibly bracing herself. "You mean there's more besides you being gay? That doesn't bother me, Logan, but I can only take so much at once," she joked, her fear evident even through the attempt at humor.

"It's nothing like that, it doesn't even have to with James, it's about...well..." James squeezed his hand again, forcing Logan to continue. "Dad."

The last hint of amusement faded from her eyes, her mouth settling into a grimace. The use of the word "dad" hadn't been overlooked. "Your father," she managed, referring to Logan's lifelong insisted-upon term.

Logan nodded. "He lives in Los Angeles. We met at his restaurant one night and I've been talking to him."

"Oh," was all she said, very quietly and without meeting her son's gaze.

Knowing immediately where her thoughts must be going, James offered, "Logan didn't go looking for him. It was me, I was out with a date and when I saw him, I knew it had to be him. Logan had told me a little about the situation and I thought his father should know what he'd missed out on all those years. I wanted him to know how amazing Logan is even without his help, what a great job you did on your own."

Logan managed to not stare up at James in impressed surprise, but only barely. Instead he kept his eyes on the table after chancing a glance at his mother, who seemed a bit warmer after James' tactful words.

"And then he got in touch with me," Logan continued. "James, I mean. The first time we met up in L.A., that was why. James convinced me to meet him because honestly, Mom, I needed to know. I needed to understand why he left, why I wasn't worth sticking around for."

"I could've told you that," she said slowly. "Your father was a coward."

Logan flinched at the word, trying not to take it personally and aided by the distraction of James tensing up next to him. "It's fine," he murmured, but James was a contained vessel of outrage that Logan wanted to keep from exploding so he addressed the issue himself. "That's true," Logan conceded, "but if anyone can understand what was going through his head at the time, it's me. He was just as afraid to live as I was before meeting James. In that situation, I might've done the same thing."

"No," Joanna disagreed with a shake of her head. "I raised you better than that, if you got a girl pregnant you would've done the right thing and stayed with her."

"Maybe," Logan sighed, "but I'm sure running would've crossed my mind. Even with-"

"Are you sitting here defending him?" she asked in disbelief. "Logan Mitchell, are you seriously making excuses for a man who abandoned you rather than step up and be a man?"

"It's not excuses, Mom, it's the way things are. Or were. Once he grew up enough to realize how stupid he'd been, he regretted it. He couldn't face you."

"Who cares about me?" Joanna argued. "What about _you_? Sure, I was devastated, but what about a little boy who needed a father? That's what I can't forgive, Logan, and you shouldn't either. You can't get back those eighteen years, and neither can he."

"He knows that," Logan assured her softly. "I know it, too. We've talked about it. None of that can be undone, but the future can. The present. Mom, he knows what he did was wrong and he wants to try to make up for it as much as he can. It's the right thing to do."

"Too little, too late," she muttered, arms over her chest and with a shake of her head.

"There's not a lot more he can do but apologize for the past and try to make up for it," Logan pointed out. "He was terrified when he saw me, positive I was going to hate him. But he knew I deserved answers and he gave those to me. I'm just like him; how can I hate him?"

"You're _not_ just like him," Joanna answered fiercely. "You faced your fears, you accepted your feelings for James even though I'm sure they terrified you and-"

"It wasn't easy," Logan interrupted. "I ran from them as long as I could. If James hadn't pushed it, hadn't chased me so that I couldn't get away that weekend-"

"So it's my fault?" Joanna yelled, her anger now flaring into outrage. "I failed him because I didn't go after him, didn't force him to face his fears? I didn't even know where he went, he just left me a note and-"

"Mom, no!" Logan sighed, having rarely dealt with this side of his mother. He'd seen her temper off and on over the years but it had never been aimed at him. "I'm not blaming you, nobody is, this isn't anyone's fault but Dad's! My point is that he knows that, he doesn't blame you at all and he feels horrible for leaving you like that."

"So he sent you here to beg for forgiveness. That's more cowardice, he hasn't changed at all."

"Mom..." Logan closed his eyes, grasping for patience and wishing he knew how to deal with emotionally irrational people; it had never been his strong suit.

As usual, though, James knew what he needed and exactly how to deal with the emotions of others—it was only his own he ever had trouble with. "Joanna," he began softly, "he told Logan not to ever expect your forgiveness. He knows what he did to you. He knows it's not something that can be undone with an apology."

Joanna swallowed, her anger dissipating slowly but Logan thinking perhaps he preferred that to the sadness creeping into her eyes now.

"Logan's not telling you any of this for Jonathan's sake. That's between you guys. He's telling you this because he's afraid you'll hate him for wanting a dad in his life. He's afraid you'll think that means he doesn't need you anymore, and he's trying to make sure you know that's not true."

Logan blinked up at James, amazed by the words because he'd never said anything of the sort out loud. He stared in stunned silence at his boyfriend, a young man who knew without him speaking the words exactly what his deepest fears were, and Logan understood with clarity that this man would never leave his side as long as he had anything to say about it. Not even Kendall had been able to see this deeply into his soul.

"Logan, I could never hate you," Joanna whispered, one hand stretching across the table to grab his and squeeze. "You know that."

"Doesn't mean you won't hold it against me, even if you don't mean to." Bracing himself, Logan continued, speaking words that were always tough for him. "I love you, Mom. You know that even if I don't say it often, because you're my mom. I promise having Dad in my life isn't going to change that at all. What it does is fill a hole that's been there my whole life, and please don't take this wrong but it's a hole you can't fill. It's something only a dad can do. I expected it to be empty forever, but...Mom, please. Try to understand that I need a dad, too."

"Of course I understand that," Joanna replied, her voice breaking as tears crept in. "Why do you think I'm so angry at him, even eighteen years later? Because he denied you that."

"And he's not doing it anymore. I'll never have back the years we lost, never have him there to teach me how to tie my shoes or how to shave, or...I don't know. Go camping. But Mom, you did all that for me, and you did a great job. It's not those things I want from him now. It's...I don't know how to explain it. It's just having him there."

Logan knew instinctively that James was thinking of his own father, and perhaps of those things he hadn't had even with a father present. Neither of them could ever get those moments back.

Joanna sighed heavily, wiping a hand over her eyes. "I just don't want you to get hurt. What if he changes his mind? Decides it's too scary even now to be a father?"

"He won't," Logan promised. "He's changed. He..." Knowing this might be another minefield he was stepping into, Logan took a breath before adding, "He's been a dad for a long time. Two girls. He grew up."

Joanna's reaction was a long minute of silence before she simply said, "Oh." There was a lot behind that one word, and Logan waited for James to say something—anything-that would help her through whatever pain this was causing.

James remained mute at his side, though. Logan finally opened his mouth to speak but James squeezed his hand hard, and he closed it again.

When Joanna stood up, Logan moved as if to stand and once again, James kept him from doing so.

"I need to sleep, boys. It's been a long day and I was planning to get up early and cook you breakfast, so...don't stay up too late."

As she turned away from the table, Logan started, "Mom, wait. Please, talk to me, don't-"

"I'm fine. Just need to..."

She didn't finish, though, and as she slowly made her way across the kitchen Logan moved to stand again.

"Let her go," James whispered.

"No, she's hurting and upset and-"

"And needs time to process it. Let her go, babe."

"What?" Logan hissed, his voice a tad louder now that she'd left the room. "You're the one always following me when I'm upset, you don't let me process things, you just go after me and force me to talk and-"

"That's different. It's my place with you."

"And it's my place with my mom! She doesn't have anybody else, she-"

"You're not the person she needs to talk to right now. Let her cry it out and I'm sure she'll be calling a friend before the night is over. Doesn't she have a best friend?"

"I don't know, I guess Kendall's mom, but-"

"Babe...I know it's hard to accept, but right now nothing you say will help, no matter how true it is. She feels betrayed. She'll get past that, but she needs time to get there."

"You just met my mom, James, don't act like-"

James shut him up with a kiss, surprising him so that it chased away whatever he'd been about to say. It was a brief kiss, but still powerful enough that Logan could barely think when James pulled back. "I know your mom," he said softly. "She's very much like me. Let her work through this, and tomorrow when she's ready, we can talk to her about it again. Right now, give her time to cry over the fact that she wasn't good enough and someone else was."

"What? That's not at all what the problem was, he just wasn't ready."

"I know that," James replied, "and you know that, and hopefully she'll know that eventually. But right now it hurts too much for her to know that. Let her grieve, babe."

Logan shook his head slowly, amazed once again at the maturity that James displayed. "You grew up, too, you know. I don't know when, but you're a lot older than you should be three months later."

"You're not the only one who had to face his fears. Letting myself love you was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life."

"Scarier than running away from home?"

"Absolutely. I had you when I ran away. I knew you'd take care of me."

"Then why is it scarier to love me? Obviously you have me now, too."

"Yes," James agreed, "but you know what the scariest part of that is?"

"What?"

"I could lose you." James lifted a hand to Logan's cheek, his thumb caressing the smooth skin under one eye. "And that thought is scarier than anything I've ever lived through."

Logan leaned in and closed his eyes once their lips met. "You're not going anywhere," he whispered. "You taught me that some people are worth chasing."

"Promise?" James asked in a tiny voice.

"On my life."

The words brought a sound that was half-sigh and half-whine from James, who picked Logan up off his feet and carried him into the bedroom. They were as quiet as possible, muffling their cries in each others' mouths as they wordlessly expressed devotion.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N-I promise you'll finally get Kendall and Carlos in the next chapter. I know it's been a long wait. Thanks for sticking with the story.

* * *

Logan was nudged gently at first, then shaken more insistently by the shoulder when he didn't respond to the nudge.

"Babe!"

Logan groaned and attempted to cuddle closer to the warm body he was quickly growing accustomed to waking next to.

"Logan! Babe! Do you smell that?"

"Your morning breath?" Logan mumbled, eyes still firmly shut.

"Shut up!" The words were said in a laughing manner, though, and Logan was once again shoved but this time playfully. "Seriously, take a whiff."

After another groan Logan rolled onto his back, unhappy that he would soon be forced to leave the comfort of his bed and James. Of course he smelled it, and it was heaven but nothing compared to the scent of James' hair on his pillow or James' shirt against his face. "Can't we just stay here?"

"No, we cannot just stay here! Those are pancakes! And...is that bacon?"

Logan finally opened his eyes because he didn't want to miss this sight, one that never failed to make him smile—James excited about food. His hazel eyes sparkled, his lips were curved into a boyish grin, his cheeks flushed with happiness. It occurred to him then that it was Thanksgiving, and James had probably never had a true one with family. How was it less than a week ago that he'd been in his dorm worried about that, thinking of James spending the holiday alone and possibly suicidal?

"It's bacon," he smiled, running a hand up James' chest over the shirt. "Mom makes a killer breakfast on the holidays."

"Then why are we still in bed?!"

"Because I'm not ready to let you go just yet." He pulled James down for a kiss, but James stopped the motion halfway.

"I thought I had morning breath," James said haughtily.

It was Logan's turn to say "Shut up," and he did just before their lips met. "Mine cancels out yours. Are you sure you can't wait another ten minutes for breakfast?"

"Are you kidding? Do you _smell_ that?"

What Logan saw behind the sparkle, though, was concern, and knew it was for his mother; he remembered last night all too clearly and loved James for caring enough to want to check on her. "I'm going to marry you," he whispered loudly, and the smile he was graced with was even more blinding than the one James reserved for pancakes and bacon.

* * *

Other than an appearance of general exhaustion, Joanna showed no signs of what must have been an emotionally draining night as she greeted them both with kisses to the cheek, making Logan blush and James grin before returning the gesture.

"I was hoping James had gotten you past the embarrassment of physical affection," she teased Logan as she used tongs to transfer slices of thick bacon to his plate.

"Mom, it's only been a week that we've been officially dating. Less than that."

"Give me until Christmas," James winked, taking the seat next to Logan and inhaling the mouth-watering aromas before frowning at a plate of fresh fruit. "Even on Thanksgiving you eat fruit?"

"It's good for you," Logan chastised, dropping some on James' plate next to his bacon. "You love pineapple."

"Yeah, on a burger. Or pizza."

"Or just like this." To prove it, Logan forked up a yellow chunk and fed it to James, who chewed and made an appreciative noise.

"Okay, so it's not so bad."

"Told you," Logan smirked. "Eat your strawberries. You'll like honeydew, too. I promise."

"Is that the green stuff?"

"Yes."

"I've never had it."

"Eat it and if you don't like it, I won't make you try it again."

James dutifully did, then smiled as he chewed. "Sweet."

Shaking his head, Logan apologized to his mother. "He tends to talk with his mouth full. I'm working on that."

Joanna set a pitcher of orange juice on the table before taking her own seat and looking back and forth between them. "It's a little scary how much you two act like a married couple."

The resulting blush on Logan's face was as predictable as the blinding smile James favored her with. "Someday." He picked up the plate of pancakes near his elbow and offered her some, Logan impressed that he put someone else first when it came to food.

"Thanks," she nodded, waiting until each of them had their plates full to clear her throat. "So I owe you both an apology."

"Not me," James disagreed.

"Yes, you. You didn't need to come here and deal with family drama. This is supposed to be a fun holiday for you."

"If it concerns Logan, I don't mind. Part of a holiday is the family drama anyway, right?" he joked.

Joanna managed a chuckled at that. "I suppose. This season's been tough on me, with Logan being away. I only get him for a few days and the last thing I wanted was to fight with him while he's here."

"Mom, it's okay. I get it."

"No, it's not okay," she said to Logan. "I wasn't fair to you last night. James was right, I was worried you didn't need me anymore, that I'd somehow not been enough for you."

"You were. You still are."

She held up a hand to halt whatever else he was going to say. "It's not just that. It hurt, knowing that he couldn't find the courage to grow up for me and you, but he could for someone else. Made me feel like I wasn't enough for him, either."

Not knowing how to respond to that, Logan bit his lip. James replied with, "You know better now, right? That it was him and not you? That he just wasn't ready?"

It was a moment before Joanna nodded, as if she was convincing herself of just that. "That's what Jennifer said, too. I called her last night after I said goodnight to you boys. I'm sorry, Logan, I just..."

"It's okay," he said again. "I understand. There are things I can talk about with Kendall that-" At a sharp nudge from his right, Logan amended that. " _And with James_ , that I can't talk about with you. I understand. But James is right, and Mrs. Knight is right. If the time wasn't right for me, James wouldn't have gotten through to me, either. I was ready. I just didn't know it."

They all let that digest while focusing on breakfast, until Joanna broke the near-silence. "Logan...is he happy?"

She saw it in James' eyes before Logan spoke, in the way James couldn't meet her gaze. "Yeah," Logan answered quietly, knowing he was incapable of lying to his mother's face. "He regrets it, and I think he'd give a lot to be able to tell you how much he does, but he's made peace with it and moved on. It made him appreciate his current family more, knowing that he lost this one."

Logan pretended not to see the tears gathering in his mother's eyes, concentrating on spearing a piece of melon, but as usual James met the moment head-on. "He knows he was an idiot to let you go. Don't ever doubt that."

Just like that her composure fell, the tears breaking free and hitching sobs that she tried to fight escaping her throat. James was up and around the table in an instant, lifting her from the chair and rocking her while she cried into his chest. Logan stared up at them helplessly, hating the part of himself that was so stunted that he didn't know how to deal with his own mother's pain.

"I loved him so much," she moaned, the sound muffled but still clear enough to be understood. "I never stopped. He could've come back to me, I prayed he would, I would've taken him back but he was so stupid he thought I wouldn't understand, why didn't he just come back? How am I supposed to stop loving him now? I hate him so much for this, but..."

"You love him," James said softly, the pain in his own eyes reflecting what Logan knew his mother was feeling. James was hurting because Logan's mother was hurting, the same way Logan was hurting now.

"Mom," Logan managed, standing slowly and not knowing what exactly was the right thing to say, only knowing that he couldn't stand to watch from across the table. He approached and James opened his arms to allow Logan in, and the moment Logan was near, Joanna clutched at him and held on tight while she cried. Logan instinctively hugged her tighter, rocking her the way James had and finding his own peace in it. His mother was in agony, and it was causing the same in Logan, but her pain no longer scared him—instead, he welcomed that they were able to share it openly and wondered just how many emotions his mother had held in over the years for fear of making him uncomfortable.

"I didn't know how much I still loved him until last night," Joanna admitted when her sobs abated and she'd dried her eyes on the napkin James had passed her. "I wasn't ready for that."

"I know," Logan sighed, "and I'm sorry. If I'd known, I wouldn't have-"

"No, baby, I'm glad you did. I needed to know the truth. It's time to stop living in the land of delusion and hoping that one day he'll come back. If he's happy..."

"The only thing that he's still sad about is you, Mom. The knowledge that you'll hate him forever."

"I don't hate him," Joanna croaked, sniffing and wiping her eyes. "I knew why he ran. I just wish I'd been able to do for him what James did for you. It makes me feel like a failure that I wasn't enough or maybe didn't know the right things to say."

"You can't think like that," James told her, speaking up for the first time since Logan had joined them. "If he wasn't ready, no one would've been enough. I spent that entire weekend with Logan thinking I hadn't gotten through to him and that he couldn't wait to be rid of me."

"When in fact all I wanted was for James to stay. He showed me what life can be like if you allow yourself to just...live it."

"Why couldn't I do that for Jonathan?" she asked on a sigh.

"Who knows?" Logan countered. "I wasn't kidding when I said a baby might have sent me running. Falling in love is one thing, but fatherhood...that's forever. You can't just change your mind about fatherhood."

James made an indignant noise. "Um, excuse me, but love can be forever, too."

Logan gave him a "not now" look. "Mom, there's nothing else to say. He just wasn't ready. And while he didn't ask me to speak on his behalf, I think it might help you to talk to him about it. Just...get all this stuff off your chest. You can't move on until you do."

"Did he ask about me at all?"

"Yeah," Logan smiled. "I think there's a part of him that will always love you. Hurting you like that has haunted him all these years. I can hear it when he talks about you. Or when I do."

"Well, I'm certainly not going to call him on Thanksgiving," Joanna argued. "Not when he's with his new family."

Though "new" wasn't quite the word Logan would have chosen, he understood her meaning. "Honestly, Mom? I think now is the perfect time. It's still early, especially on the west coast. I think a holiday like today, where we count our blessings, is exactly the right time to call him."

"Logan, what would I even say? What could I possibly say to a man that left me eighteen years ago?"

James spoke up again, having the answer ready as always. "You can start with hello and see where it goes from there."

When Joanna glared at James with annoyance, Logan smirked. "Yeah, he pisses me off with that, too. But you know what, Mom? He's always right."

After letting out a long and deeply frustrated sigh, Joanna rubbed her face. "You both really know how to celebrate Thanksgiving with a bang, don't you? Sit down and finish your breakfast. Logan, give me the number and I'm going to-"

She stopped speaking when a chirping from Logan's pocket interrupted. With a smile, he dug for his phone. "Oh, maybe that's him now. I might not even have to give you his phone number, Mom."

But when Logan glanced down at the display to see who was calling, the smile died on his lips. Heart thundering in his chest, he held the phone out to James. "It's for you."

James fell heavily into a chair when he realized that it could only be one person calling for him, as Shelly still didn't have Logan's phone number. "I don't want to talk to her."

"Too bad. You made me talk to my dad, you're making my _mom_ talk to my dad, now it's your turn. Talk to your mother."

When James looked as if he was about to argue, Joanna reminded him, "It's Thanksgiving, James. Talk to your mother." He still hesitated, so she added, "I'll call Jonathan if you talk to your mom."

"Blackmail," James muttered, relieved when the phone stopped ringing, but his face turned to outrage when Logan punched the buttons to return the call. "Logan, don't-"

"It's ringing, James. Please. Do it for me. Do it for the little boy who used to sit with his mom and look for stars."

James' answer was to glare at Logan with a hatred he'd never thought to see from those hazel eyes, but Logan didn't back down and held the phone out. They heard a distant "Hello?" from the speaker, and then, "Logan? Is that you? Is James there?"

Chocolate brown eyes clashed with lighter forest-colored ones, one determined and the other stubbornly resistant, but when the faraway-sounding voice said, "Please, I need to speak to James," the stubborn gaze wavered.

Logan used the moment to bring the phone to his own ear. "Hi, Mrs. Diamond. Yeah, James is here, we're having breakfast. I'm not sure, let me ask." He covered the microphone and asked, "Will you talk to her?"

"Logan, I don't want to see her. I don't know what to say."

Joanna's smirk was almost cruel as she suggested, "How about you start with hello and see where it goes from there?"

James turned the glare on her, but she didn't back down either. With one last glance to his right, where Joanna was waiting to see what he would do, James reached out for the phone. "Hi, Mom." His voice was guarded and wary, but Logan knew him well enough to hear the slight tremor behind it that disguised the deep longing to be loved by a woman who once made him animal-shaped pancakes, and he knew that it would only be a matter of time before James opened his heart to her again.

* * *

They gave him privacy for the most part, Logan and his mother clearing away the breakfast dishes and cleaning the kitchen while James stepped into the living room for the conversation with his mother. Though tempted to eavesdrop, Logan resisted and used the time to answer Joanna's questions as well as he was able.

"What exactly is he angry at her for?" she wanted to know. "All you said is that she wasn't around much while he was growing up."

"That's basically it," Logan answered, passing her rinsed dishes as she stood over the dishwasher. "The bottom line is he misses her. She was too busy to pay much attention to him for most of his life."

"And what about his dad? Wasn't he in the picture?"

"We don't talk about his dad," Logan said shortly and in a way that communicated that subject was off limits. "He's not worth it. James' mom, though...there's still a chance there, and I don't want James to look back forty years from now and regret the time he could've had with her. He still loves her very much, whether he wants to or not."

Joanna nodded, moving to accept a glass from Logan's outstretched hand. "Forty years, huh? You intend to be still be with him then?"

Knowing what was coming, Logan bit his lip and kept his gaze trained on the water washing away half-dried egg. "Please don't lecture me about it being too soon to think like that. If it was anyone else, I'd agree. We're moving too fast. But Mom...you know me. You know that I don't fall in love. I tried to date two other people and I just wasn't happy. It took me eighteen years to get up the courage to love someone, and the only reason it worked is because he's the right one. If that wasn't the case, I would've ended up in love with Kendall years ago."

"You're right," she agreed. "It is too soon and you are moving too fast. I wasn't about to tell you it's wrong, though."

"You weren't?" he asked in surprise, his head swiveling toward her with wide eyes.

"No. Because if last night taught me anything about love, it's that you can't let it go when it feels right. And your dad...he felt right. I should've chased him, I should've gone after him-"

"But you didn't know where he'd gone."

"I knew it was California. I got that much out of his parents. And I suspected that he probably ran away to live with his uncle out there, because he didn't know anybody else in California. If I'd really tried, I could've gone after him and maybe made him give himself a chance."

"Why didn't you?"

Joanna shrugged, reaching past Logan to finish rinsing the last pieces of silverware before shutting off the faucet. "Fear, maybe. Pride. Anger. Mostly hurt. I was hurt that he would leave me, that he didn't want me. I know he loved me. I was his first girlfriend and I helped him through a lot of things, the way James has helped you. I would've helped him through this, and I know that after one look at you, he would've faced his fears and come back. Or taken us in out there. I just never stopped hurting. And maybe pride was a bigger factor than I wanted to admit. It was never that I didn't love him or want him back."

"You just wanted him back on his own, rather than forcing him into something he wasn't ready for."

"Hell, I wasn't ready for it either," Joanna chuckled. "I was terrified. I don't know what I would've done without Mom and Dad. I'm grateful they were still around then, even though they never forgave me for keeping you."

"What?" Logan blinked. "They wanted you to give me up?"

"They did," Joanna admitted. "That's why we didn't get along well, why you never saw much of them until my accident. I was angry at them for suggesting it, they were angry at me for not doing it. Don't get me wrong, they loved you, they just thought I was making things harder than they needed to be and ruining my life."

"So they resented me." Logan automatically dried his hands on the towel his mother passed him, then handed it back. "And when they thought you were dying, they hated that they would be stuck with me. A person they never wanted in the first place."

"You're making it sound like they hated you, Logan, and that wasn't the case. Remember how often they visited us the last year of their lives?"

"Because they'd seen the light and regretted it, right?"

"Yes," Joanna nodded. "And even though it felt like too late sometimes, I loved that they _had_ seen the light. I wish I'd done it sooner with Jonathan. I wish he'd done it sooner with me. And I hope that you don't let James pass up an opportunity to make things right with his mom now that she's seen the light. Nothing in life is worse than regret."

"I won't let him," Logan said softly, leaning back against the counter. "He follows his heart, and even though it took time for him to realize I was worthy of trusting, he finally allowed himself to do that. He fought it and tried to stop loving me, but he couldn't. It's the same with his mom, and eventually he'll stop fighting it. I just hope she's worthy of trusting, too."

James poked his head into the kitchen then, Logan's focus immediately turning to him and taking stock; James' face was pale, his eyes too big, his lips a straight line before he spoke in what was a falsely strong voice.

"Logan, do you have a minute to-"

Logan was already moving. "Let us know when you want to leave for Kendall's, Mom."

"We can wait a few hours. No rush."

It wasn't until the bedroom door was closed behind them that James seemed to deflate, his shoulders sagging and his face falling. Logan sensed tears were close.

"What happened?"

"She wanted to see me today."

Logan waited, knowing there would be more, and after he sat on the edge of his bed and pulled James down to sit sideways on his lap, there was.

"I'm not ready. I told her the other night I wasn't ready."

"I know, babe. You can't blame her for trying, though; she misses you and finally realizes how much she messed everything up. She's afraid she's lost you forever."

"She hasn't. I'm just...not yet. I'm still too angry at her."

"And hurt?"

"Yeah," James whispered, laying his head on Logan's shoulder while Logan's arms wrapped around his waist. "I don't know if I can forgive her."

"Well, she's got a lot to make up for. Did she yell at you?"

"No. I could tell she was trying not to cry, though. It's crazy, I haven't seen my mom cry since before she started working, and now she's cried twice in the past week. Because of me."

"You're worth crying over," Logan smiled, pressing a kiss to the tip of James' nose. "Trust me."

The barely-there quirking of James' lips made Logan feel a little better, but then James spoke in such a tone of sadness it squeezed Logan's heart. "I just keep thinking about her all alone on Thanksgiving, in some little apartment—okay, maybe not little, I'm sure it's as big as this house—but she's all alone and it's my fault. I'm a horrible son."

"Stop that," Logan chastised gently. "If you're not ready, you're not ready. How many years did she leave you alone? How many Thanksgivings and Christmases did you spend in your room while she was out at parties? Anything she could do to avoid you, because she couldn't stand to see what she'd done to you." Logan was going off instinct here, but it felt right. He knew it was when James didn't answer. "I'm not saying she can't be forgiven for those things, James, but don't hate yourself for putting her in that position for one day when she did it to you for a hundred of them."

The tears came then, not great hitching sobs or even quiet whimpers—they came in silence, dripping over his nose and cheek because his head was still turned sideways on Logan's shoulder. "I told her maybe Christmas," he finally said. "I don't know where we'll be then, we might be in L.A., but if she really wants to see me she can fly out there."

"She can," Logan agreed. "And if it's okay, I'd really like to come back here for Christmas."

"Yeah, I want that, too," James sighed. "Your mom's the best."

"Kendall's mom's pretty great, too," Logan grinned. "She'll think of you like a son before the night is through."

"Nah, she's got Carlos now."

"Doesn't matter. That woman's heart is even bigger than my mom's. It's Katie you have to watch out for."

"The little sister?"

"Don't think of her as 'little'. Think of her as an enemy you have to guard yourself around."

"I thought you liked her. Didn't you used to help her with homework and stuff?"

"Oh, I love her. But you're fresh meat, so she'll have to test her limits with you. She's probably got Carlos wrapped around her pinky by now. Poor sucker."

James chuckled again, the sound warming Logan's heart. "I'll keep that in mind."

"I got your back," Logan promised, this time kissing James' lips. It was soft and gentle, but it felt like what James needed at the moment.

"Can we stay in here for just a little while longer?" James begged. "I don't need sex, I just need...you."

"I'm here." Once they were reclined against the pillows, Logan cuddling James close, he added, "I think Mom's trying to work up the courage to call Dad, anyway. Let me just..." He dug into a pocket for his phone, sending a quick text and then setting the phone on his nightstand before hugging James close again. "She's got his number now. I told her to give us an hour."

"Perfect." James kissed Logan's neck with a sigh that was somehow both content and sad. "So I'm not a horrible son? It's Thanksgiving," he said again.

"You're not," Logan answered firmly. "You're human and you're allowed to feel emotions."

"Wow, never thought I'd hear you say that," James smiled.

"Yeah, neither did I. Someone taught me that."

"Must be somebody pretty special."

"Eh, he's okay. Good enough to spend my life with, anyway."

James suddenly hugged him so tight he couldn't breathe, but Logan didn't complain; as he'd just stated, James was allowed to feel emotions.


	33. Chapter 33

A/N-This is not the last chapter! There's still one more after this. Hard to believe we're finally at the end. As always, I thank all of you for reading my words.

* * *

It was actually more than two hours before the Mitchell clan (of which James was now a part) was ready to head over to Kendall's house. All of them were laden down with dishes (James in charge of keeping the pies and cakes safe, a responsibility he took very seriously) as they stepped up to the porch of the Knight home.

Having caught his mother red-eyed as she escaped from the bathroom to her bedroom, Logan suspected she had indeed called Jonathan. When he asked, she only stated that they would discuss it later. It was Jonathan's text of "Thank you, son. I don't know what you said to her, but thank you." that convinced Logan to back off and give his mother time; whatever had been said, it couldn't be too horrible if his father was thanking him, and with a lighter heart Logan led the way into the warm and cozy living room he'd spent half of his childhood in with Kendall.

He barely had time to set the prepared food down before being swept off his feet and into a bear hug by his best friend, who seemed to have gained muscle in the three months they'd been apart. Logan laughed while trying to free his arms enough to hug Kendall back, not minding the effusive affection in the slightest; if anyone had been able to touch him freely before James, it was this young man.

James was being introduced to Jennifer, who greeted him warmly when he thanked her for inviting him into her home, when a voice spoke up from behind James. "Damn, you're even hotter in person!"

James spun around in surprise, easily recognizing Carlos from the pictures he'd been shown. "Well, thank you," he laughed. "You're even shorter."

"Hey!" Carlos complained, mock-punching James' arm, but then they were hugging too, as if they'd known each other for years. Though they'd never even spoken on the phone, neither let that get in the way.

"Hey, quit hogging all the hot!" a young female voice yelled, and James braced himself before spinning away from Carlos to face a girl with long brown hair who looked about fifteen but was probably only twelve. She stared up at James as if sizing him up to discover weak spots.

"You must be Katie," James smiled, not offering a hand to shake but crossing his arms over his chest the same way she was.

"Darn, Logan warned you about me."

"Yes, he did," James grinned. "Doesn't mean we can't be friends."

"We'll see about that. All I care about is, do you love Logan?"

"Katie!" Jennifer yelled. "Don't be rude to our guests!"

"How is that rude, Mom?"

"Katie, just-"

"It's okay," James laughed. "I do love Logan. I'm going to marry him. Is that good enough for you?"

"As long as you don't change your mind later and break his heart," she answered with no hint of a smile.

"Not gonna happen. We've both waited a long time for this, and neither of us is stupid enough to let it go."

"Well...okay. I'll let you know tonight if you passed my 'Are you allowed to date my big brother test?'"

"Katie!" This time it was Kendall yelling at her. "Will you stop with that? Logan isn't even your brother!"

"Might as well be!" she retorted. "Where's the apple pie?"

"After dinner, Katie," Jennifer scolded, carrying the food into the kitchen while Joanna and Katie (reluctantly) helped.

With an amused glance at Carlos, James asked, "Did you pass?"

"Still working on it," he whispered. "She says she'll let me know when we leave Sunday."

James rolled his eyes. "Don't let her scare you. It's what Kendall thinks that matters."

"I couldn't agree more," Kendall stated, having heard the end of that. "Good to see you again, buddy."

"You, too." James hugged Kendall briefly. "How's hockey?"

"Better than anything else in the world. How about-"

"Excuse me?" Carlos interrupted. "Since when is hockey better than me?"

"You're not an anything, Carlos," Kendall soothed. "You're an any _one_."

"Oh. I guess that's okay, then. And hockey is pretty awesome."

Knowing where Kendall had been going before Carlos' interruption, James said, "Acting is great. I've got a movie starting soon, and I've been working on a T.V. show. You guys should be able to watch that in a few months. It's really funny."

It was only then that James realized Logan had been quiet for awhile—too quiet. He turned to see Logan studying them, analyzing their interactions most likely. "Have you even said hi to Carlos yet?"

"He'll get to me," Logan smiled. "It's more fun to watch you guys all together."

"Logan!" Carlos exclaimed, rushing to him and hugging him before anyone could stop him.

"Shit," James muttered.

"I warned him about that," Kendall said in an undertone. "Logan's gonna freak."

But Logan didn't; though his initial reaction was to tense up in the onslaught of exuberance, he was only stiff for about three seconds before he slid his arms around Carlos to hug him in return. The grin on his face told James enough to know his reaction was genuine, and both James and Kendall relaxed.

"I think it's gonna be okay," James whispered.

"You're a miracle worker," Kendall said in awe.

James' grin surpassed Logan's. "He trusts Carlos. But uh...you're welcome. He's getting better every day."

Perhaps remembering things Shelly had said about James and his depression before meeting Logan, Kendall studied him with an eyebrow quirked. "So are you."

"We're good for each other," James admitted. "Carlos! Let him go, he can only take so much at once!"

"He'll just have to get used to it," Carlos replied as he freed Logan from the embrace. "I hug _a lot._ "

"It drives Katie crazy," Kendall laughed. "Go hug her, Carlos. Just for the hell of it."

"On it!" He rushed toward the kitchen, James calling out as he passed.

"Don't let her touch my orgasm cake!"

Carlos' motion halted immediately as three pairs of eyes swung to him in shock (Logan's only because he'd said it out loud around others).

"Your...what?" Kendall managed.

"Sorry," James replied, clearing his throat. "Inside thing. I meant the chocolate/peanut butter cake."

"Do we want to know?" Carlos asked.

"No," Logan answered primly. "You do not."

Sensing that Logan needed a moment alone with James, Kendall joined Carlos and steered him into the dining room. "Let's go see if we can sneak some cookies."

"Don't be mad," James started.

Logan was shaking his head. "I'm not mad, I just...sometimes I think that side of you is gone and then it's like I'm back in a little diner in the middle of nowhere and you're trying to embarrass me."

"I never _tried_ to embarrass you, babe."

"I'm not complaining," Logan said quietly, closing the distance between them.

"You're not?"

"No. That's the James I fell in love with, remember?"

"Oh." James' face lit up, his eyes dancing. "So I should embarrass you often?"

"No!" Logan laughed. "I'm just saying that there are times I miss it. You don't have to be grown-up all the time."

"Even if I yell about orgasms?"

"Well, I'd rather you didn't do that in front of my mom," Logan conceded. "Or in front of Mrs. Knight or Katie. But uh...it's not always a bad thing."

James tilted Logan's chin up, staring into his eyes with that intensity that Logan felt all the way to his toes. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

"Yes," Logan answered with a smile. "You sang it to me once, even though you thought I'd never see it."

Pain flashed through James' gaze. "I remember that morning. I've never felt such emptiness as I did then. I thought I'd never see you again."

"Good thing I'm the one who's always right, hmm?"

"I guess it's not such a bad thing," James said huskily, Logan ready when James' mouth closed over his for a kiss that matched the intensity of the gaze from a moment ago. "Tell me things will be okay with Mom."

"I promise," Logan whispered. "When the time is right, you'll know."

James nodded, Logan's guarantee enough. "I love you."

"I know," Logan smiled, remembering a time when he'd said those words to James, and James' reply had been what Logan's was now. Then it had hurt, because James knowing wasn't enough to make him return the sentiment.

This time, though, James read the mutual feeling clearly in Logan's eyes, and it was enough.

* * *

The next few hours passed in typical Thanksgiving fashion: the boys gathered around the television for football—a game that Logan had never been into much but enjoyed sharing with Kendall, Carlos, and James—while the women concerned themselves with food and catching up in the kitchen. Katie was content to bounce back and forth between the rooms, dipping into snacks in the living room and sneaking ingredients in the kitchen when she wasn't busy on her portable gaming system.

Logan had the thought that while it wasn't anything different than what their families always did on Thanksgiving, it felt different with the addition of James and Carlos; it was somehow _more_. Never had he watched a football game cuddled up next to someone, nor had there ever been so much yelling (Carlos was extremely vocal about the game, in turn bringing out a more aggressive side of Kendall that was rarely seen in Logan's presence but one he found amusing). James yelled occasionally, but was mostly happy to express his feelings in short outbursts that kept Logan close to him rather than chase him away.

It wasn't until the third quarter that Logan realized James had become quieter and quieter so that his comments had all but dropped away to silence. Sensing something heavy on his mind, Logan stood up and reached for James' hand. "We'll be right back," he said to Kendall and Carlos, who only screamed at a referee who couldn't hear him while Kendall managed a quick but distracted nod in their direction.

Logan led James through the busy kitchen and out into a backyard that was only a few degrees above freezing, but as they probably wouldn't be outside long he didn't worry about running back for jackets; their sweaters would keep them warm enough for a few minutes. He wrapped his arms around James' waist as they stood in the cold, James immediately returning the gesture and holding Logan close so that he burrowed into the warmth.

"What's going on?" he asked softly.

"Can't stop thinking about her," James admitted. "If it wasn't Thanksgiving, and if she wasn't all alone..."

"I know. But it is, and _she_ is, and it's driving you crazy. What are you gonna do about it?"

"What _can_ I do?"

Logan pulled back to stare up at James' face. "You know what you can do."

"Babe, I can't. She's a stranger, I can't just-"

"You're family now, James, which makes her family, too. I guarantee Mrs. Knight wouldn't mind her coming over."

"What about your mom? She likes being a mom to me, I can tell. I don't want to ruin what we already have going."

"Babe, she's still going to be a mom to you, even with your mom here. She'll probably step back some, but-"

"And that's what I don't want. I don't want her to feel like she has to. She's amazing."

"Your mom was once, too," Logan hinted. "Maybe she can be that way again."

"No," James replied, shaking his head. "We might be able to fix things, but it'll never be the way it was."

"Probably not," Logan agreed, "but that doesn't mean the new way has to be horrible. James, you miss her. I see it in your eyes, you want that back so badly."

"I just told you, it's never gonna be-"

"So what? She still loves you, and you still love her whether you want to or not, and the fact remains that she's still sitting there alone in some apartment on Thanksgiving wishing she was with you." The words had the effect Logan knew they would, James' eyes suddenly swimming in unshed tears. "She tried, babe. You have to meet her halfway. If you're not ready, I won't mention it again, but I think you are. I think that's why you're sitting there watching a football game and not even seeing it—because you're ready and you miss her."

"I've always missed her," James whispered, resting his cheek on Logan's head. "Why should this be any different?"

"Because this time she misses you, too."

That was enough for the dam to break, the tears turning cold quickly as they dripped down James' face. "I just want my mom back," he sniffed, body shaking. "What if she comes back and she's not...what if she comes over and everyone hates her because she's such a bitch and there's no sign of the mom who used to play games and laugh with me? What if-"

"Remember what you told me your last great day with her was? She took you from school and you went shopping and saw a movie and had dinner?"

"Yeah," James managed. "That was such a great day."

"What if you could have that again? What if she took you out tomorrow and the two of you just...bonded?"

"I don't want to get used to that because what if-"

"James." Tilting his face down so their eyes could meet, Logan said more gently, "Babe. I know how scary it was for you to trust me. I could've broken your heart. I could've rejected you and said you're too much hassle. I could've said sorry, I'm too busy to fall in love. And I can see in your eyes right now that you feared all of those things, that you thought you weren't good enough for me."

"I'm still not sure I am," James admitted.

"You are," Logan smiled. "And my point is that I didn't do any of those things; I took a chance, something I never do, and I let myself love you. You let yourself love me."

"Like I had a fucking choice," James chuckled, wiping away tears and shivering as the cold started to become unbearable.

"And how did that turn out for you?" Logan smiled.

James sighed before groaning in frustration. "I hate it when you're right."

"But I almost always am." The smile had become a full grin, Logan feeling that the battle was nearly won. He pulled out his phone and pressed it into James' hand. "Call her. Don't let her spend Thanksgiving crying and wondering if she'll ever have her son back."

"Maybe she deserves it."

"Maybe she does," Logan nodded. "But it's not your way to let people suffer—especially not those you love."

He watched James give in, saw it in his face when he conceded defeat. "Okay but I can't just invite her over without asking them first."

"I'll go ask. You call."

"I'm not standing out here, it's fucking cold!"

"Come on," Logan laughed, dragging James back into the warm kitchen. "Mama Knight, I know it's last-minute, but would it be okay if James invited his mom to dinner? He hasn't seen her in months and she's alone in her apartment today."

Joanna's hands froze over the lettuce she was chopping as she turned her head to stare at them in surprise.

"Of course!" Jennifer answered. "I would've invited her sooner if I'd known. No one should be alone on Thanksgiving."

Logan lifted a brow at James as if to say "told you so," James attempting to shoot daggers back but all he could muster was a weak glare that did nothing to hide the hope stemming in his eyes.

"Call her, babe," Logan commanded softly. "You're ready."

In spite of his earlier complaint, it was the backyard James returned to, Logan peeking out the window to watch. It was a full minute before he saw James lift the phone and poke at the buttons, then press it to his ear.

Joanna stepped up behind Logan to get a glimpse. "Is he okay?" she asked.

"He's terrified," Logan admitted. "This is a big step, him opening his heart again. If she breaks it, I'll kill her."

Overhearing that, Jennifer frowned. "Is he not close to his mother?"

"Not really," Logan replied. "They haven't been close since he was a little kid. I'm hoping that changes today, he really misses her. And I'm apologizing in advance if she causes any drama. I don't really know what to expect."

Joanna shrugged, one hand on Logan's shoulder as they continued to stare out the window. "We can handle her. If she starts any crap, Jennifer and I will end it. Really fast. Nobody hurts my future son-in-law and gets away with it."

The words brought a grin to Logan's face. "I hope there's no need for that, but—shoot, he's coming! Act natural!"

When James opened the door to poke his head in five seconds later, Jennifer was rooting in the refrigerator for butter, Joanna was once again chopping lettuce, and Logan was doing what was most natural for him—worrying. He didn't attempt to hide it, knowing James would see right through that. "Everything okay, babe?"

"We'll see. I need an address to give her."

"Oh, of course."

Before he could continue, Jennifer was rattling off her address and then asked, "Logan, can you grab the rolls from the breadbox, please?"

It was her way of acting natural, but it had the effect of a lightning strike. Both James and Logan froze in shock at the words, their eyes meeting before they burst into laughter so hard that Logan clutched at his stomach while James wiped at his eyes. Joanna and Jennifer exchanged a bewildered glance.

"Was it something I said?"

James approached the counter and stared down at a wooden box not much larger than a loaf of bread. "So this is a breadbox."

"See, James?" Logan opened it. "Only big enough for one loaf. Or a bag of rolls."

"Got it. Thanks." He laughed again while leaning in to kiss Logan, memories flashing through both their minds of endless highways and repetitive road games. "Can we drive here for Christmas? Instead of flying? I'll help this time."

"I'd like that a lot," Logan said softly, meeting his lips for a second kiss. "Maybe we can make a stop in Mesquite for the night."

"How about South Dakota, too?"

"Perfect," Logan smiled. "I'm sure Todd would be more than happy to see me again," he teased.

"Yeah, we're never setting foot in that restaurant again. In fact-"

"Uh, James?" Joanna interrupted. "Is your mother still waiting?"

"Oh, shit!" James lifted the phone he'd forgotten about to his ear. "Mom, you still there? Sorry, I got distracted for a moment. Yeah, the address is...what was that again, Mrs. Knight?"

"You can call me Mrs. K, James. Or even Mama Knight, like Logan does. But the address is..."

As she repeated it for James, Logan couldn't keep the smile from his face watching James' eyes dance. Gone was the fear and the sadness, what remained now was happiness because he'd been reminded that he was loved. He'd left this city alone and scared, clinging to the only hope left to him—that the world would know him and love him. He hadn't quite gained the love of an entire world just yet, but what he'd returned with was the love of those who existed in _his_ world.

That was truly all he'd ever wanted.

* * *

"Katie, you go first."

"Mom, why do I always have to go first?" Katie groaned.

"Because you're the youngest, and the longer you live, the more you have to be thankful for. So the oldest goes last. Which...uh..." Realizing that no one except James knew how old his mother was, her cheeks flushed. "Well, I'll just go last."

To her surprise, Brooke Diamond laughed. "It's fine, Jennifer. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm surely the oldest in the room; with age comes character and life lessons. I'm discovering that you're never too old to learn."

She smiled at James, who was seated to her right around the expanded dining table in the Knight home. Dishes covered every inch of the surface, stomachs rumbling in a wordless request to sample the food, but everyone knew that what came first on Thanksgiving was this.

"Fine," Katie sighed. "Um...I'm thankful for the game Kendall brought me."

"Is that really all?" Jennifer asked in exasperation.

"Mom, I don't want to embarrass myself in front of guests!"

"Katie," James started, "you won't be the only one. I'll probably cry. No one's gonna repeat anything that happens at this table." Doubt suddenly assaulting him, he looked around and asked, "Right?"

They all assured him that was the case, and he nodded. "Go on, Katie. Tell us what you're truly thankful for."

"Okay. Well...I'm thankful for a place to live and a family. And all this food, have you seen that turkey?!"

There was a round of laughter because yes, they were all dying to sample the turkey.

"Anything else?" Jennifer prompted.

"Yeah," Katie nodded. "I'm thankful for two new brothers. I've decided you both passed the test, and you can date my other brothers."

"Gee, thanks," Kendall chuckled. "Who's next? Oh, I guess that would be me. First, I'm thankful for my family, which includes all of you sitting here today." When Brooke looked a bit uncomfortable at that, he added, "Even you, Mrs. Diamond. As long as you love James and continue to be part of his life, you're family. So make sure to do that, okay?"

Logan squeezed James' hand, James' grip even tighter. So far it had gone well with Brooke, if a little awkward at first, but that was improving with each passing minute.

"I will," Brooke managed, embarrassed by the attention but keeping her head held high.

"What about me?" Carlos suddenly asked.

"I'm not sure Kendall was done, honey," Jennifer answered. "You'll get your turn."

"No, I mean Kendall, are you thankful for me?"

Kendall rolled his eyes but was already grinning. "Mom's right, I wasn't done. But you know, you're part of the family, too, so you were included in that."

"Oh, I don't get my own special moment?"

"You will if you shut up for two seconds."

"Kendall!" Jennifer scolded. "It's Thanksgiving! Don't talk to your boyfriend like that!"

"Please, Mom, if you knew what I deal with every day..."

"You love me," Carlos beamed. "So say it."

"Shut up and I will," Kendall repeated, Carlos undaunted and continuing to smile. "So I'm thankful for my family, and the opportunity to play hockey as a career. It's all I've ever wanted, and it also brought me this dork who completes me and makes sure that life is never boring."

"I'm good at that," Carlos nodded.

"I'm thankful to be here today," Kendall continued, "and that Logan is still my best friend even though we're so far apart. We were both scared that wouldn't be the case, but distance can't stop that and neither can new people in our lives. Logan, thanks for being here, buddy."

Logan was caught off guard by tears forming in his own eyes when he remembered how terrified he'd been that Thanksgiving would come and he and Kendall wouldn't be what they were now. He nodded at Kendall in agreement.

"And lastly, yes. I'm thankful for you, Carlos, for being at my side day and night, for bringing me joy and happiness and more laughter than I ever thought I could stand. And for loving me."

Carlos responded with a smile that was subdued, a sure sign he was touched.

"You're next, babe."

"Oh!" Carlos exclaimed, recovering quickly. "Okay, I usually have a lot to say, but I'm hungry so I'll keep it quick. First, I'm thankful I passed Katie's test!"

There was general laughter at that, Brooke only vaguely getting the joke but appreciating it.

"I'm thankful for hockey, too," Carlos continued. "And my family back home, who's sad I'm not there today but understands and can't wait to meet Kendall at Christmas."

Jennifer quirked an eyebrow. "Is that what's happening at Christmas?"

"Uh...well, Mom...see..." Kendall stammered. "We were talking about it and-"

"Don't worry, you and Katie are totally invited," Carlos interrupted. "We want the whole family together."

"Oh," Jennifer smiled. "I'd like that."

"Wait a minute," Katie complained. "But then what about Logan and James and Mama Mitchell?"

"You can all come!" Carlos replied. "I already told Mom it's a big family thing, and she said bring everybody. My family's huge anyway, a few more bodies isn't gonna matter. You can come, too," he said to Mrs. Diamond. "If you don't have somewhere else to go."

"What about our road trip?" James whispered to Logan.

"Feel like driving to Florida instead?" Logan countered.

"We could make that work. Longer drive, though. We'll kill each other."

Leaning very close to James, Logan whispered, "And fuck each others' brains out to release the frustration. It's a win/win."

James laughed, throwing his head back to let it out and not caring when everyone stared at him. "Carlos, were you done?"

"No. I'm thankful for you and Logan, cause you guys are cool and already like brothers. Thankful for a second mom who accepted me even though she had no idea Kendall was gay and could've hated me."

"I don't think Kendall even knew he was gay," Jennifer pointed out. "So thank yourself for that one."

"I'm irresistible," Carlos agreed. "Thankful for a new little sister, even if I do have to watch my back around her. Really thankful for all this food, because Katie's right—look at that turkey!"

"Which we'll never get to eat if you keep talking," James teased.

"Right, right, okay. So mostly what I'm thankful for is this guy right here, who puts up with me when no one else will. I could've been stuck rooming with any guy on that team, but God put us together because he knew I needed Kendall. He takes care of me when I'm hurt, tries to cook when I can't-"

"Hey, I do a pretty good job!" Kendall argued.

"And loves me when anyone else would want to strangle me."

"Oh, I still want to strangle you."

"Yeah, but you don't. You kiss me instead. You make me feel loved. And that's what I'm thankful for," Carlos smiled.

There was a general chorus of "Aww" around the table while Kendall leaned in to do just that. Carlos closed his eyes for the brief kiss, savoring it.

"This is getting too sappy," Katie moaned. "Who's next? Logan? James?"

"James is younger than me, so it's your turn, babe."

"Wow, already?" James laughed, a little nervous but probably only because his mother was there. "I'll try not to take too long, but my list is never-ending. Like everyone else, I'm thankful to be here and to have a real family for once." He knew how much that must hurt Brooke but didn't regret the words. "Thankful for the roles I've been given and the few people who believed in me along the way. Thankful for the man who could've scammed me out of a lot of money but didn't, and I hope his family is eating well today."

Being the only one in the room who understand that last part, Logan squeezed James' hand and smiled.

"Basically I'm thankful for everything I have, but especially a boyfriend who didn't let me keep running and thought I was worth holding onto no matter how many times I tried to push him away."

Now the tears were coming, Logan could hear it in James' voice.

"I'm thankful there's no more pain in my life, that the days I suffered were worth it to be where I am today. I'm thankful to Logan for saving my life."

It was a struggle, but James took a deep breath to keep his voice from shaking as he continued. "And I'm thankful that my mom is here."

That was all he could manage before pressing his face to Logan's shoulder, Logan wrapping him up tight. "He gets emotional," Logan smiled, rubbing his back.

Kendall shook his head slowly. "Still amazes me that you ended up with someone that's your complete opposite."

"We're teaching each other how to feel," Logan replied.

"I'm okay," James stated, lifting his head and reaching for a napkin. "Sorry. See, Katie? Told you I'd cry."

"No one's laughing, dude," Katie assured him. "We're family. Besides, you're not the only one."

Brooke had also reached for a napkin, and upon realizing that she too was teary-eyed, James hugged her to him.

"Are you good?" Logan asked softly.

"Yeah. Go on, babe. Your turn."

Fighting down his own emotions, which seemed to have run wild since meeting James, Logan took a deep breath. "Well...I'm thankful for a lot of the same things everyone is. For family, for friends, for a boyfriend who showed me how to live. Like Kendall, thankful that we're still what we were. Things are different now, but we're still the same, and that's what matters. Thankful that he's happy and that he found love when I did, because we're able to understand each other and grow together. Thankful I'm here with all of you. Thankful to a group of alpacas that were somehow delayed in arrival, thereby ruining all of James' plans so that he had no other option but to run away with me to Los Angeles. It proved to be the best weekend of my life."

Brooke still cuddled up against one side, James brought Logan in with his other arm so that he was hugging both close.

"Mostly I'm thankful that the crippling anxiety is gone, even though it does come back sometimes. When it does, I have family and friends and James to help me deal with it, and it's bearable now. I'm thankful for this man who found the courage to trust me and let himself love me, and who showed me that being careful every second isn't the way to live; sometimes it's okay to have a sundae for breakfast," Logan chuckled.

"Every day," James nodded.

Bracing himself, Logan added, "I'm also thankful that I found my dad. He's not here, and that's fine. He has his family, I have mine. But I'm thankful to have answers and to know him. And Mom? I'm thankful that you love me and that you fought to raise me and give me a good life."

"You're welcome, honey," Joanna smiled. "Jennifer?"

"Wow, I guess I can start with being thankful that there have been so many blessings in our lives this year. Just listening to you all, it's obvious that so much has happened. I have a new son in Carlos, and even in James. Maybe even a new friend in Brooke?"

Brooke raised her head from James' shoulder, wiping at her eyes one last time. "Honestly, I haven't had friends since high school and don't know if I remember how to be one. I'd like to find out, though."

Joanna smiled and nodded, having been included in the questioning gaze Brooke tossed out. "Jennifer and I get together a few times a week, you're more than welcome to join us. We don't do much except bake and watch movies, sometimes go shopping. We're pretty boring, but it's better than sitting around missing our kids."

"I think I could get into that," Brooke admitted. "That's what I've been doing with most of my time outside of work lately, so count me in."

"Great!" Jennifer beamed. "So then I'm thankful for family old and new, and friends old and new. Thankful that even though you all could've probably chosen somewhere else to go on Thanksgiving, you came here and spent it with us. And as always, thankful to my husband for blessing me with two beautiful children who bring so much light into my life every day. The ending of our marriage wasn't so great, but I'm thankful for the good times that we did have together."

As she did every year, Jennifer teared up when speaking of her husband, and Katie reached out to hold her hand. On her right, Kendall did the same.

"Your turn, Joanna," Jennifer sniffed.

It occurred to Logan then that the food was probably getting cold by now and that this was the longest time they'd ever spent on their pre-meal expressions of gratitude. Somehow that was what impressed upon him most just how much they'd gained. Normally a group of five, they'd become eight, and even though the addition of Brooke was a shaky one, as she might not last, it was incredible to think of how everything had changed practically overnight.

"I'm thankful for all of you," Joanna began, "and that every one of you was able to make it here today."

Logan knew that was said for Brooke's benefit and smiled; her bravery in coming into what could have been a situation that was hostile toward her showed her son was worth something to her, and that went a long way toward gaining Joanna's respect.

"I wish you all lived closer than California and Texas, but as long as I'm invited to holidays and the occasional weekends to visit, I'll be satisfied with that," she hinted.

James smiled. "When Logan and I get a place together, you're welcome anytime."

"Is that something that might happen soon?" she asked.

"Probably not until next year," Logan replied. "We talked about me living off-campus after my first year, as long as James can afford an apartment. He doesn't want me to work."

Joanna shook her head. "I don't either, you should focus on school for now. The money we'd be saving on the dorm would be enough for your share of rent, Logan. We'll make it work, if that's what you two want when the time comes."

"Thanks, Mom," Logan replied, touched. "Food's getting cold, so..."

"Right. So you guys and friends and...second chances."

"Second chances?" James echoed, speaking Logan's thoughts allowed. They both hoped she was speaking about Jonathan.

"Yes. I'm thankful to be given second chances with people I love, even if it can't ever be what it once was."

Logan felt James freeze next to him as the words hit home, because they related to his own situation as well as hers.

"Very well said," Brooke stated. "I second that."

"I thought you might," Joanna smiled. "I'm finished, if you're ready."

"Sure." Brooke took a deep breath, feeling all eyes on her but ploughing ahead as was her nature. "James, I'm thankful that you called me today. I thought I'd lost you forever, and if I had I would have only myself to blame, but I'm grateful for the second chance you've given me."

His arm still around her shoulders, James squeezed one in thanks and encouragement.

"I'm thankful I found the courage to start a life on my own, and that you pushed me to it. Thankful it ended the way it did, and not the way it could have."

James nodded, both him and Logan thinking that it could have ended very badly indeed.

"I'm thankful to be included in this family dinner and welcomed into such a wonderful home full of love and laughter. Hopefully it won't be the last time."

"It won't," Jennifer promised.

"And Logan. I'm thankful for you, because I'm well aware that my being here today was mostly your doing. Thank you for loving him and being there for him when I wasn't. I intend to be there as much as he'll let me in the future, but his place is with you now. And thank you for not hating me for the past I'm sure he's shared with you."

"You helped that by coming today, and by making it clear that you're trying. That's really all he ever wanted."

Brooke blinked rapidly, avoiding Logan's steady gaze. When she continued, it was an attempt at a joke. "Well, that and my peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I wanted to bring some today but there was no time. If you'd consider spending some time with me tomorrow, I could make them for you."

James stared at her in silence before asking, "Can we make them together?"

Brooke's answer was a nod, it being the most she was capable of due to emotion.

"I'll think about it," James answered, but Logan knew that the last wall had crumbled. James _would_ think about it, and probably think of all the reasons this could end badly, but in the end he would go; in the end, he would heal.

"Can we eat now?" Katie suddenly asked, perhaps trying to lighten the mood. "My turkey's probably cold."

"The gravy will warm it up," Jennifer assured her. "Brooke, were you finished?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I'm thankful for James today."

James' lips quirked up and he hugged her closer for a moment before letting go. "Let's eat!"

* * *

It was with aching stomachs that the kids stumbled into the backyard awhile later, bundled up in jackets this time to ward off the cold. Kendall tossed a football through the air to Carlos, purposely arcing it high enough that Katie couldn't reach it between them.

"No fair, you guys are taller!"

"Carlos isn't by much!" James called to her, sticking out his tongue when Carlos gave him the finger.

"Be nice," Logan admonished, hugging James from behind. "He called you a brother."

"Which is why I can tease him," James explained. "I've never had a little brother, let me enjoy this."

"Why do I feel like you and Kendall are going to gang up on him all the time?"

"Please, if I actually hurt his feelings, Kendall would kick my ass. I know when to stop."

"You're dying to get out there and toss a ball around with them, aren't you?"

"Yes and no. I'm happy right here, too." James twisted back to kiss Logan lightly. "Always happy here."

"I don't mind. Go have fun."

"You sure? Why don't you join us?"

"I'm gonna sit on the patio and just watch. That's more fun for me."

"You're weird."

"I prefer 'easily amused.' Have you decided about your mom's tomorrow?"

"I don't know," James admitted, not thrown off by the subject change as it had been on his mind—which of course, Logan knew. "Will you come with me?"

"If you really want me to, I will, but I think you two need time alone."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Call me if you need me, you know I'll come running, but...you guys need this, James. There's a lot to talk about."

"Yeah. What would you do?"

"Spend time with my mom. We need that, too."

"Okay, but that's a whole day I could be spending with you guys and-"

"And we don't leave until Sunday. Tomorrow could be family day, and Saturday time with the guys."

"What happens Sunday? We fly home and go back to our lives?"

"Yes, but Christmas break is only a month away. Are you sure you can get free long enough for a drive that far?"

"Honestly, I'm not. It'll depend on the movie. Promise me that if I can't get away, you'll go anyway? It would mean the world to Carlos."

"I promise you that if you can't drive, we'll fly out together."

"What if it's not until the day of?"

"Then we fly out the day of. I'm not spending Christmas without you, James. We'll make it work." When James didn't reply, Logan glanced up and melted. "I know that look. That's your 'do you know how much I love you?' look."

"Do you?" James questioned, eyes searching.

"Yes," Logan replied. "It's as much as I love you. Now go play some football, and when we can all eat again we'll go inside and have an orgasm together."

James laughed but leaned down to kiss Logan. "In front of our moms?"

"And everyone else. But tonight, when it's just you and me in my room, we'll do it again."

"Already hard just thinking about it," James groaned. "I really hope we can do the road trip at Christmas."

"If not then, we'll do it another time."

"Promise?"

"Swear. There's always spring break."

"Not long enough."

"There's next summer, too. We'll find the time, James."

"And we can play our games again?"

"Of course. Let's play right now. I'm thinking of something."

James grinned, those hazel eyes dancing as they sometimes did when faced with sweets. "I know. I love you, too."

"Damn, you still hold the title. I'll make it harder next time."

"You know I like it hard," James winked, and as they kissed Logan once again had a flashback to summer, this time of the first glimpse he'd ever caught of James. It was the shoes he saw first, having been searching curbs for an address, and then long legs encased in torn denim below a sleeveless gray t-shirt. His hair had been long enough to brush the collar had there been one, and Logan remembered having to suppress the urge to keep on driving, to not stop because he feared the next thirty hours of his life would be torture.

It had been a lot more than thirty hours before they'd reached California, and there _had_ been torture along the way, but it was a kind of torture he'd never known and never wanted to be without again. He remembered that when they'd played I Spy the first time, it was James' hair he'd chosen because it was the thing that was on his mind. The signs had been there from the start no matter how hard he'd tried to ignore them, the proof that he didn't stand a chance against the whirlwind James became in his life.

James' hair was shorter now, and he'd gained a bit of class in the months since, but when he kissed Logan it was still the same way he had that long-ago night in a cozy motel room halfway across the country. His brain shut down, his fears melted away, and there was peace.

 _I'm thinking of something. It's beautiful and it's magic and it's the best idea I've ever had in my life. I'm thinking of you._


	34. Chapter 34

A/N: Well guys, this is the last chapter. I really hope you liked the story and it brought you laughs, maybe even a few tears (like it did me when I wrote it). If you made it this far, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time and energy to spend on this story. I'd love to hear what you thought of it now that it's done.

Speaking of which...a while back I wrote a short scene about the night Carlos and Kendall first kissed. I did it just for fun but was considering posting it as a companion piece. Still haven't decided. If it's something you'd like to read, please let me know. Otherwise it will just live on my hard drive. :P

* * *

 ** _Fifteen Years Later_**

* * *

" _Just landed! I'll be out there as soon as I grab my luggage!"_

Logan groaned as he peeked down at his phone, which was sensibly tucked into the mount he kept on his dashboard. Out of all the flights he and James had taken in their lives, _this_ one had to be on time? He couldn't even text James back to let him know he wasn't there yet, but was instead stuck in traffic on one of Minnesota's glorious freeways.

 _The same freeway, in fact,_ Logan mused, _that we drove the day we met._

Remembering that long-ago day now made him chuckle. He'd been so nervous about meeting James in the first place, then spent the entire day aggravated with him.

 _Well, not the entire day. When we kissed I wasn't aggravated._

His first kiss, and with what amounted to a complete stranger. Had that been the first reckless thing he'd ever done? Probably. That was what James Diamond did to him, brought out his almost non-existent wild side.

 _Also taught me how to live. Can't forget that._

Logan managed to move up two car lengths before having to stop again. With a deep sigh, he pressed a few buttons on his phone and set it on speaker so that the ringing filled the interior space.

"Babe! Merry Christmas!"

The excited exclamation brought a grin to Logan's face, one that surely matched the size of James' even through his current frustration. "Hey, gorgeous. You off the plane yet?"

"Almost. If these people would just move already—oh, sorry. I didn't mean you. Oh, that's real nice, buddy. Merry Christmas to you, too."

Logan chuckled while shaking his head. "Are you pissing people off before you even get off the plane?"

"He flipped me off! Kids these days, I swear."

The comment managed to impress upon Logan just how much older he and James were than the day they'd met fifteen years before. It was a reminder that they weren't getting any younger and made Logan glad he'd come to the decision he had regarding James' Christmas present. "You sound like my dad," Logan teased anyway, knowing it would irritate James.

"Well, maybe your dad's right when he talks about the youth of today. We were never that rude."

Surprised that James actually agreed with his father about something, Logan lifted an eyebrow. "Are you forgetting that you once took great pleasure in embarrassing me in public by yelling about orgasms?"

"That's not rude," James laughed. "Just a little uncouth. And besides, deep down you loved me for it."

Logan did come to love James, and partly for his lack of propriety because he had a freedom in life that Logan sorely lacked. "That's debatable," he said anyway. "And I'm impressed you looked that word up. Listen, James, I'm still on the freeway. I tried to-"

"What?! Why? You're never late, you _always_ leave early just in case."

"And I did this time, too, but there's an accident up ahead and-"

"Are you serious? I haven't seen you in six weeks and you're telling me I have to wait even longer?" James whined. "Do you know how insane I've been without you?"

"I do, because it's been the same for me. I'm sorry, the last place I want to be right now is where you're not, but-"

"Logan, you know I can't stay in one place too long without being hounded for pictures. Especially an airport."

"Please, you love it."

"Normally, yes, but right now all I want is to have you in my arms. How much longer?"

"I don't know. It looks like they're clearing it up but we're down to one lane so it's taking forever just to get anywhere."

"Get off the freeway. Use side streets, babe _please_ , I need you!"

"Don't you think I thought of that? They're not letting anyone off, we're just stuck."

"Why does Christmas hate me so much? Every year something tries to keep me from you, and I'm sick of it. I'm just gonna stop working around this time of year."

Logan bit his lip, wondering if this would be a good time to bring up the present he'd found after searching surreptitiously, but when James uttered another curse word under his breath and asked some unseen person "Are you serious right now?!", he knew it would be best to wait.

"Babe, just wait for me in the terminal. It's too cold to wait outside, I'll text you when I get there. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? I love you." There was no answer, so Logan tried again. "James?"

"I'll be here."

He was pouting, making Logan smile in spite of the frustration he knew his husband was feeling. "Don't hurt anyone. And James?"

"Yeah?" was the sighed reply.

"Mom made your favorite pie."

"She did?" James grinned, the frustration melting away.

"She did. Merry Christmas, Mr. Famous Movie Star. Welcome home."

* * *

Logan stepped out of the car to give James what he needed most, unconcerned with anyone who might be staring as they hugged for what seemed an eternity because neither wanted to let go.

"Never doing this again," James murmured, breathing Logan in.

"Working?"

"Not for that long. Six weeks on the other side of the world is too much. Maybe I'll find a nice little television show to star on, and we can move back to L.A. like we talked about. That way I'd be home with you every night."

"And with our luck, I'd end up getting called out to do emergency surgery just when you get home."

"Open your own practice. It's not like we don't have the money."

"But I like being a surgeon, James."

"You can still do that. Just...oh, come here."

Suddenly the hugging wasn't enough and James captured Logan's lips for a long kiss, both of them allowing the passion to rise but Logan managing to step away before it went too far.

"Since when can you think during a kiss?" James asked suspiciously.

"Since we're in public and I'd rather do that in the privacy of our own home so we can be naked." He glanced around James and grinned. "What, only three suitcases? How did you live?"

"I had to bribe someone just to let me get a third one on, they limit you to two! Assholes. Get me home so I can get you naked. Unless...oh god, Logan, please don't tell me you're taking me straight to Mom's. I'll just have to fuck you in the car if that's the case."

"Relax, love, there will be no fucking in the car."

"This time, you mean," James smirked, watching Logan neatly settle his luggage in the trunk. "So we're actually going home?"

"Yes. I told Mom we'd be over for dinner later, and your mom is coming, too."

"What about Kendall and Carlos?"

"Flying in tomorrow morning. They wanted to spend Christmas Eve with Carlos' family."

"Flying on Christmas Day?" James shuddered in revulsion. "Christmas Eve was bad enough. We're not taking the freeway home, are we?"

"And risk a delay that will have you fucking me in broad daylight? Heaven forbid you should have to wait an extra ten minutes."

Once they were settled in the car, James reached over for Logan's hand. "Stop acting like I'm the only one dying here. Who needed me to call every night and put him to bed with phone sex?"

"It was a long six weeks," Logan blushed. "Did anyone ever have a problem with you needing a 'nap' during filming every day?"

"Nah, they just chalked it up to me being eccentric and a diva. Still, I'm glad I won't have to do that anymore. I'm home now, for good. Or at least until the next big thing comes along."

Logan nodded, merging the car into traffic as he considered yet again bringing up the Christmas present.

"I heard there's talk about me being nominated for an Oscar," James said softly, stirring Logan out of his thoughts. "I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but the buzz is really great for the one that just got released. Do you think it's possible?"

Logan smiled, squeezing James' hand tight. "Your mom certainly seemed to think so."

"Mom? Really?"

"Yeah. I went to see it again last night with her and my mom and Shelly. You brought every one of us to tears, James."

"Seriously? Even my mom?"

"Even her."

"Is that why I got a random voicemail out of the blue telling me how much she loves me and how proud of me she is?"

"Probably," Logan smiled. "Guess dreams do come true, hmm?"

Turning to face Logan as the car pulled out into an intersection, James nodded. "Sometimes they really do."

* * *

The door barely closed behind Logan before James was on him, Logan just as eager and dropping the suitcase he was holding to help James in the quest to remove clothing. Their first coupling was rushed, James taking him right there on the floor of the foyer and both of them glad he'd been prepared as always with supplies in his jacket. Before Logan's breathing was even back to normal James was carrying him upstairs to their large bedroom with the massive bed he'd purchased upon buying this house. By the time Logan's body had stopped its shaking from the intense orgasm he'd experienced, he was wrapped up tight in James' arms and legs and perfectly at peace.

"You're never leaving again," he murmured into James' neck, happy when James hugged him closer.

"Not if I can help it. I was serious about that television show thing, you know. How would you feel about moving back to L.A. and getting a job there?"

Now was the time. James was giving him a perfect opening, and yet Logan hesitated—what if James didn't want this? What if he was satisfied just to be an actor and continue making movies?

"Logan? I mean, I know we've gotten used to this, me being gone a lot, but that doesn't mean I like it. And it's not like you can come with me. Six weeks was too much, this just about killed me."

It had just about killed Logan, too. Still, he hesitated. This could change things between them forever, and what if James was happy with the life they'd built?

"Babe, talk to me. If you don't want to, just tell me. We can keep doing this, I wouldn't be upset if it's what you want."

Logan finally raised his gaze to meet James' and the affection he saw reflected in it was soothing. Whatever they decided, they would be okay. "Right now I really just want to make love to you. Slow and steady, the way you like it."

James swallowed, heat rising in his eyes as Logan felt his body waking up again. "Or we could just do that," James agreed breathlessly, "but then can we talk?"

"Then we can talk," Logan nodded. "I promise."

"Good, because something needs to change. I can't live without you like this anymore, we're not getting any younger."

"I know." Logan kissed James softly. "We'll talk."

"Okay."

As their kisses grew deeper, Logan was comforted by the knowledge that at least they would grow old together.

* * *

He'd imagined that the talk would happen in their kitchen at the table they shared most of their meals at. They'd sip at coffee (or hot cocoa with whipped cream, in James' case) and discuss their future, figure out what they really wanted. Instead, when Logan eventually attempted to rise from the bed, James didn't allow it and kept him close.

"Don't even think about it. You promised we'd talk."

"We will, but can we shower first? You know I hate to sit in a mess."

"Excuse me, that's _my_ mess you're talking about. And no, I'm not letting you get wrapped up in your head. I don't want you to think this out, I want you to make a decision based on how you're feeling right now."

"I don't make decisions based on feelings, James."

"Bullshit. Every decision you've ever made concerning me is based on your feelings. I'm the one thing you can't reason over and it drives you insane."

"I won't argue that."

"It also makes you happy. Now talk. Tell me how you feel about moving away. Is it because of the moms you don't want to go?"

"James, I never said-"

"Because I would understand that. But I also remind you that in L.A. we'd see a lot more of Kendall and Carlos."

"I know, it's not L.A. I have a problem with. I could find a job easily out there."

"Good. So then is the problem me? You'd get sick of me being around every day?"

"James Diamond, do you think I would've married you if I was worried about having you around every day?"

"I don't know. You probably figured I'd be gone a lot."

"I did, but that wasn't a plus in my book. Being away from you is no picnic. Did you just ask that only to hear me admit how much I miss you?"

"No," James grinned, "but it's always nice to hear. I miss you, too."

"I tell you that every time we talk on the phone, it's not like the point was ever in contention."

"You know, just because I'm older doesn't mean I understand all your big words now. Speak English to me."

Logan rolled his eyes but kissed the corner of James' mouth. "It's not important."

"So then what's the problem? I'd offer to do a show here but nothing films in Minnesota."

"I know. That's not it, babe."

"What is? Do you not want me to work anymore?"

"It's not that, it's...well, time might be a factor."

James frowned, not following. "You mean like because I'm getting older?"

"No," Logan sighed, working his way free from James' embrace and sitting up. "I'm not going anywhere," he soothed when James looked ready to argue. "I'm just sitting up so I can think better."

"And I told you I don't want you to think."

"I have to, James. It's how I function."

"Not when it comes to me."

"We already had this discussion, let's move on. I want to talk to you about your Christmas present."

"My...really?" Now James sat up, too, this being something exciting enough to distract him from the current discussion. "What did you get me?"

"Nothing yet. I wanted to talk it over with you and make sure you really want it before I put any money down."

"Put money down?" James echoed. "So it's expensive."

"Very."

"Is it worth the money?"

"Absolutely."

"Then what's the issue? Why wouldn't I want it?"

"Because it would change our lives forever and interfere with our careers."

James blinked in surprise, trying to understand what could possibly have such an impact. "Babe, what...I'm lost."

Logan was, too, angry that he couldn't bring himself to just say it. He simply didn't know how. He felt as lost as he had so many years ago when he'd suddenly had to face that he was in love with James and would soon be parting from him forever, wanting badly to express that he would miss James and being so inept that he had to resort to a child's game just to get his point across.

Tilting his head at James, he wondered if that would work again. It was silly, and it was ridiculous that he couldn't just say the words, but it was all he had. "I'm thinking of something," he said quietly, hoping James would remember the game they'd played so many years ago during a road trip that started as hell and ended up being the catalyst to bring them together.

It took a moment, but then James' face cleared and he smiled. "You want me to guess my present? Okay. Let's see, is it bigger than a breadbox?"

Logan laughed, already relaxing a bit. "Depends. How many loaves of bread does it fit?" he teased.

"Shut up and answer the question."

"Yes. It's bigger than a breadbox."

"Okay, cool. So it's something big, awesome. That leaves out jewelry. What else is big but expensive? Babe, did you get me a new car? I know, a motorcycle!"

"Guessing already? Stop that and go back to questions. You always were too quick to start guessing."

"Damn, so it's neither of those?"

"Nope. Question two. Go."

"Okay, um...any kind of vehicle at all?"

"No. Three."

"Hmm. A house? Did you buy us a new house here? Is that why you don't want to move?"

"It's not a house. Quit guessing!"

"Fine! So where am I at?"

"Still on three. Go."

James was quiet for a long time, thinking about his next question. "It's not an Oscar this time, is it?" he smirked.

"No," Logan laughed. "You're still guessing, knock it off."

"Okay, okay. Is it something that's hard to take with us if we move?"

Logan considered that. "I suppose not really. But it would be easier on everyone involved if we stayed. Although...there are some who would be happy about us moving with it."

"Really? So our moving would affect this...present?"

"It would," was all Logan said.

James grinned. "Is it a big screen television? Home theater? Kendall and Carlos would love that if we moved to California. And that would be hard to move."

"It's not either of those things. You're up to four now."

"So it's nothing electronic?"

"No. Five."

James thought for a long time again, then asked, "Is it alive?"

Logan's heart thundered in his chest. "Yes," he managed.

"I knew it! Oh my god, you got me a horse! Did you buy two of them, though? Because I always said I'd want to ride with you and-"

"It's...no. It's not a horse, James."

"It's not?" James frowned. "But then what else would be...a dog! That makes perfect sense, it might be hard to get a dog all the way-" He cut off when Logan shook his head. "It's not a dog?"

"No."

"But it has to be, if it's alive, it has to be a pet. Or a plant, I guess. But that would be easy to move. So a pet, then."

"Are you asking that as a question?"

"Depends. Where am I?"

"You've asked six questions. This one makes seven."

"Isn't that your record or something? Or it is mine?"

"I think it was yours until you guessed my kiss on the first try. Keep asking questions."

"I thought I did. Is it a pet?"

Licking his lips with nerves now, Logan shook his head slightly and tried to breathe. It had been a long time since he'd suffered a major panic attack, but this was gearing up to be a big one.

"Babe, look at me. You're okay, just breathe. Come here."

Logan shook his head again, trying to fight the panic on his own, but James wasn't having it. He hugged Logan to him and kissed his hair, rubbing his back before raining the kisses over his forehead and cheek. "I'm here. And whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

Closing his eyes, Logan forced himself to relax. It was true, James wouldn't leave him over this. They hadn't committed to anything yet, so no matter what James said, it would be okay. "Sorry," he managed.

"It's okay. It's been awhile since you've had one of those, hasn't it?"

Logan nodded, taking one more deep breath and then pushing away from James. "I'm fine."

"Are you?" James studied him. "You still look scared. What's going on?"

"Just...finish the game."

"Logan, if something's wrong, we should-"

"Finish the game, James."

Finally understanding that this was Logan's way of saying something he couldn't verbalize on his own, James nodded. He thought back to his last question. "So it's not a pet, but it's alive?"

Staring into James' eyes and tense again, Logan nodded.

"What the hell else could it be, babe? I mean, if it's not a pet but it's alive, it has to be a human." He chuckled at the thought, then froze as his eyes widened. "Logan."

Terrified, Logan waited.

"Logan?"

He steeled himself before reaching into his nightstand to pull out a manila envelope. "You said once...a long time ago...that you wanted to give a home to kids who were unwanted or unloved."

James couldn't breathe now as he stared at Logan.

"Is that something you still want? I haven't signed anything yet, haven't even met with him. I wanted to be sure before I committed us to anything. But...well. Here."

With shaking hands Logan passed over the envelope, James in shock so that his own hands trembled as he reached into the envelope to pull out a packet of paperwork with a photo clipped to the front. In it stood a young boy with dark blond hair and deep brown eyes, a smattering of freckles across his nose to accompany cheeks that were rosy in the cold air, as he'd been photographed near a tall tree. There was no smile on his face and his gaze was haunted.

James studied the picture, Logan remaining silent, and finally he set it aside to glance through the papers. "Michael?"

"Everyone at the orphanage calls him Mikey. He doesn't talk much, keeps to himself mostly. But he loves to play board games and apparently his favorite movie is the one you did last year where you played a dad," Logan smiled. "Felt like it was meant to be."

"How old is he?" James asked, voice barely above a whisper as he picked up the picture again.

"Five. Dad's in jail and Mom passed away. She knew it was coming, I guess, and took him to the orphanage."

"How long has he been there?"

"About six months. It's all in the paperwork, if you want to read about him. He uh...his dad."

"What?" James said sharply, gaze boring into Logan.

"He's in jail for abuse. I guess both him and the mom."

James nodded slowly, eyes brimming with tears. "When can we pick him up?"

"So you want to do this?" Logan asked in surprise. "No discussion, you really want to adopt a child?"

Already moving to stand, James walked to his closet. "Are they open on Christmas Eve?"

"Babe, whoa. Hang on, I haven't even given them an answer, I wanted us to meet with Mikey before we agree to anything."

"What's to agree on? There's a little boy who needs parents, who needs to not spend Christmas by himself."

"He's not by himself, babe, he's safe with-"

"Oh my god, how many others are there? How many can we bring home with us?"

Logan chuckled, wondering how he'd ever thought James might not want this. "Only one for now. They have to check us out, make sure we're fit parents. It's harder for a gay couple, but not unheard of. The state-"

"Fuck the state! If I want to give an abused child a home and family, nobody's gonna stop me!"

Stepping around the bed, Logan went to James and kissed him soundly on the lips. "And that's why I married you. But James, there's a lot we still have to discuss. This will affect your career, and mine, and-"

"I've had my career. I did what I wanted to do. Please, Logan, make this happen!"

Logan nodded. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Two hours later they were being led down a festive hallway toward a small office decorated profusely with Christmas cheer. After a phone call, Logan had explained to James that they wouldn't be allowed to take Michael off the premises until a background check had cleared them, but he'd convinced the head of the orphanage to allow them to visit and have dinner with the children. When James asked how Logan had managed that, he smirked that being married to a famous movie actor had its perks.

So it was that James and Logan Diamond had a fantastic Christmas Eve dinner catered in for the children and staff, as well as awarding each child two gift cards—one for toys, one for clothing. Logan worried that it was a mistake to bring James into the midst of so many needy children, especially when he caught James eyeing a quiet little girl with contemplation, but he couldn't argue that this was the best Christmas Eve he'd ever experienced. Nothing beat the joy on the children's faces and the contentment of full bellies that he knew he'd helped make possible.

Upon hearing that James and Logan were begging off Christmas Eve dinner, Joanna was at first hurt, then ecstatic when she understood the reason. After a quick discussion with Brooke, it was decided that their Christmas Eve meal would be moved to the orphanage also so that they descended along with Jennifer, Katie, and the mountain of baked goods Joanna had whipped up for the occasion. It was an unorthodox practice to allow so many outsiders to the orphanage, but none of the staff complained, happy to see so much attention paid to children who were otherwise ignored. Most of the staff were as star-struck by James as the children were, anyway, and excited to get pictures with him.

James' focus was Michael, though, who spent most of the dinner quietly keeping to himself. He'd seemed in awe when James first entered the room, recognizing him as the actor from his favorite movie, but when James smiled at him, he looked away. It took most of the meal for James to figure out how to approach Michael long enough to get him out of his shell, and he made his move while the rest of the kids were playing games with Katie and Jennifer.

"He needs you," Logan whispered to James, knowing how important it was to him that he make a good impression on Michael. "You got this."

"What if he hates me?" James asked softly.

"I saw the look on his face when you walked in. He idolizes you."

"He won't even look at me."

"He won't look at anybody. Go change that."

James picked up a board game he'd loved as a child and walked over to the corner of the room Michael was currently attempting to make himself invisible in. Rather than speak, James sat down on the floor and unpacked the game, making sure he was in Michael's line of vision but acting as if he was unaware the boy was present. He managed a glance over long enough to see that Michael was reading a book, and smiled to himself—Logan would love that.

It gave him an idea. He searched the room until he found Logan, who was helping to clear away dishes, and stared at Logan until his gaze was felt and Logan turned to look at him questioningly. "It's a two-player game. Come join me?"

"Are you sure?" Logan questioned, wanting to give James time alone with Michael.

"Positive," he smiled. He pulled out his phone to text something to Logan, who frowned when he read it but shrugged and approached.

"Which color car do you want?" James asked.

"Uh...green."

"I already picked that one. Try again."

Logan rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable across the board, peeking over at Michael before answering. "Give me red, I guess."

"Just so you know, the green car is the fastest."

"Excuse me? The speed is determined by your spins, it has nothing to do with the color of your car."

"Think about it, Logan-green is go, red is stop. I'm gonna win. Spin."

Logan did, getting a two and moving his car two spaces but in the wrong direction as James had instructed him to. "Your turn, Mr. My-Car-is-Faster-Than-Yours."

James spun the dial, whooping when he spun an eight. "Told ya!" He did the same as Logan, moving backward along the board rather than forward. It was killing him not to look over at Michael, but he sensed that the boy was surreptitiously watching them from behind his book.

"Whatever. Ha, you have to pay me money!"

"No, when it says I have to pay, it actually means you pay me."

"You're so full of it, James!" Logan exclaimed. "It means exactly what it says."

"You're just reading it wrong. Give me my money."

"Fine," Logan sighed, passing over brightly-colored bills to James.

"Stop pouting and spin, it's your turn again."

Logan did spin, once again moving backward and this time landing on a square that said the other player owed him money. "Let's see, you owe me..."

"No, you're reading it wrong. You owe me again."

"James Diamond, you're cheating."

"I am not! Give me my money."

"Fine," Logan said once again, digging through his bills.

A hesitant voice floated to them. "Don't."

They both froze, Logan praying they handled this right. He silently urged James to say something.

"What?" James replied, as if he was barely paying attention.

To Logan, Michael said, "Don't give your money. He's cheating."

"I told you! James, you're cheating!"

"I'm not! This is how we played when I was a kid."

"It's wrong, though," Logan argued. "Right? Tell him it's wrong."

"It's wrong," Michael agreed shyly.

"Oh, is it? So you're telling me you know how to play this?" James scoffed.

Michael nodded. "You're going the wrong way, too."

Logan affected a surprised look. "We are? James, this is how you taught me to play."

"This is how I learned," James shrugged. "What's your name, kid?"

There was a moment when Logan thought they'd pushed him too far and the boy was going to hide behind his book again, but then he set it aside. "M-mikey."

"Okay, Mikey, get over here and show us how it's done, then."

He struggled with himself, but after a kind and encouraging smile from Logan, Mikey climbed down from the chair and sat between them on the floor.

"Let's start over and do it the right way," Logan suggested. "What color car do you want, Mikey?"

"I'm always green, but-"

"Here," James said immediately, passing over his car. "It's the fastest anyway."

Mikey put the green car at the start, James pulling a yellow one from the box to join the green and red.

"So you can read the board, Mikey?" Logan asked. "I saw that book you're reading, it used to be one of my favorites. But I couldn't read it until I was seven. How old are you?"

"Five. I can read lots of books. Sometimes I have to have help reading the board, though."

"That's okay, we're here to help," James smiled. "You want to go first? You have to show us how it's done anyway, right?"

Mikey nodded, and as he spun, James caught Logan's eye. He pursed his lips into a kiss and offered a look of hope, but Logan wasn't worried; James knew exactly how to communicate with Mikey because he'd been him at one time.

* * *

It was hours later when James carried a small, sleeping body upstairs to a tiny bunkbed while Logan stayed below to discuss the process of adoption. Mikey stirred as he was being laid down on old but clean bedding, and when he realized he wasn't alone he gasped, his eyes immediately showing terror as he tried to crawl away.

"Hey," James started, not letting him go. "Hey, Mikey, calm down. I'm not gonna hurt you. You're safe."

Mikey kicked at him for another few seconds, James not letting go but holding him tight, before he started to relax.

"I promise," James soothed, finally letting go when he felt Mikey stop fighting. "I won't let anyone hurt you, ever again. Logan, too. We just want to keep you safe."

Distrust stared up at him, James understanding all too well what Mikey was feeling. "Sleep," he said gently. "I'll make sure you're okay before I leave."

"Can you stay?" Mikey finally asked in a tiny voice.

"I wish I could. How about if I come back tomorrow? It's Christmas Day, we could spend it together."

"With Logan?"

"Logan, too," James smiled. "We have some presents for you."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Is it okay if we bring them over tomorrow?"

"I guess. Do you think Santa will come tonight?"

"I guarantee it," James grinned. "But wait—have you been good?"

"I tried," Mikey admitted. "Mommy said that's enough."

James' heart wrenching, he reached out to take Mikey's hand in his. It was a moment before Mikey allowed it. "Mommy's right. I bet you miss her."

"She had to go."

"Yeah. I bet she misses you, too."

"Can I tell you a secret, James?"

"Sure."

"She's watching us right now," he whispered.

"I know she is," James smiled, blinking back tears.

"How did you know?"

"Because that's what angels do. They watch over loved ones. And I heard she loves you very much."

"She said so," Mikey agreed, eyes sad. "She didn't want to go."

"No, I'm sure she didn't."

"She promised me somebody would come for me."

"Did she?"

"Yeah. She said somebody special would come for me and take care of me."

"Did she say who?" James asked curiously.

"No. God didn't tell her who."

"Hey, Mikey?" Taking a deep breath, James braced himself. "What if I told you me and Logan are here to take care of you?"

"You and Logan?"

"Mm-hm. We want to take you home with us and be a family. Logan's really smart, he says it was meant to be. He doesn't lie."

Mikey thought that over, then waved James closer. "Can I tell you another secret?"

"Absolutely."

"I think Logan likes you."

James barely managed to keep from busting up laughing, instead adopting a serious face. "Logan? You think so?"

"Yeah. I can tell. He smiles at you a lot."

"Hmm. Can I tell _you_ a secret?"

"Uh huh."

"I like Logan, too," he whispered.

Mikey clapped a hand over his mouth. "You should kiss him!"

"Should I?"

"Yeah! That's what they do on T.V."

"I'll have to try that. Maybe tonight."

"Will you come back tomorrow?"

"Promise."

"And you'll bring Logan, too?"

"He'll be here. Hey, have you ever played hockey before?"

"Hockey? Like on the ice?"

"Mm-hm."

"No."

"I saw a little pond out back earlier. Want to try that tomorrow?"

"I don't have skates."

"Maybe Santa will bring you some. And I might bring my two friends who are actual hockey players from California."

"Wow! Can they teach me?"

"We'll see. But you have to get to sleep so Santa can come. Do you always sleep by yourself?"

"Yeah. I have my own room now. Henry got 'dopted."

"Do you like having your own room?"

"It's scary at night," Mikey admitted. "Sometimes I hear noises."

"How about I stay here until you fall asleep?"

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart."

"Okay. Do you really think Santa will find me here at the orfnage?"

"Absolutely," James smiled. "Close your eyes and get some sleep, okay? We'll come back to see you tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Swear."

"Can I come in?"

Both turned to see Logan at the doorway, the head of the orphanage trailing behind.

"Sure, we were just discussing how you and I are coming back tomorrow."

"Oh," Logan grinned. "Is that okay with you, Mikey?"

"Yeah. James says Santa's gonna find me here."

"Oh, for sure," Logan agreed.

"I promised him I'd stay and watch over him until he falls asleep," James informed them. "Want to join me?"

"Is that okay?" Logan asked Mikey.

"Yeah. James wants you to."

There was a giggle they shared that mystified Logan, but it warmed his heart anyway. "Then I will. Move over, you." James did, making room for Logan on the bed across from Mikey's. "Is that all right?" Logan asked, and Ms. Anna nodded.

"I'll be back in a few minutes after making the rounds," she promised. "If you need anything, I'll be just down the hall."

"Thanks," Logan smiled.

"James said Santa might bring me skates."

"Skates?" Logan echoed. "Really. Is James going to teach you how to skate?"

"He said his friends from California might come! They're real hockey players!"

"Oh, are they?" Logan said with a raised eyebrow. "They're coming here tomorrow?"

James shrugged. "I figured it couldn't hurt. Did you talk to Crystal at all? The little blonde girl with pigtails?"

"I did," Logan replied, "and I know what you're thinking."

"Can't hurt," James said again. "But I promised that no matter what, you and I will come back tomorrow to spend Christmas with Mikey. I also told him we want to take him home and be a family."

"Oh." Surprised, as Logan had expected Mikey would need more time to ease into that idea, he asked, "And how does Mikey feel about that?"

"He never really told me. I figured we could talk more about that tomorrow, maybe after Santa comes."

"Santa isn't going to bribe him with toys, James," Logan warned.

"No, but I want Mikey to know he can trust what we say. I promised him Santa would come, and I promised him we'd be back tomorrow. Once those two things happen, he'll know he can trust us. Does that work, Mikey?"

Mikey nodded slowly. "I guess."

"Close your eyes, Mikey, so Santa can come."

Mikey instead waved James close again, Logan watching in amusement as something was whispered.

"Oh, what, now? You want me to do it now?" James gasped.

Mikey giggled while James glanced at Logan.

"I don't know, now I'm nervous."

"What are you two whispering about?" Logan demanded.

"Do it!" Mikey urged.

"Well, you can't just do these things, Mikey. You have to ask first." James cleared his throat and turned to Logan, making sure Ms. Anna was nowhere in the vicinity. "Logan, I like you a lot, and Mikey here seems to think maybe you like me, too. May I kiss you?"

Stunned, Logan opened his mouth in surprise. "You want to kiss me now?"

"Well, Mikey thinks we should. He says that's what people on T.V. do when they like each other."

"Oh. Well, in that case." After taking a look outside the door, Logan nodded. "You may kiss me, James."

James winked at Mikey before leaning in for a soft peck to Logan's lips. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know," Logan breathed. "Merry Christmas."

"That it is."

When Logan cuddled against James and laid his head on James' shoulder, James pulled him close. "He says you were right, Mikey. He does like me."

"I told you!"

"Now go to sleep so we can-"

"Will you tell me a story?" Mikey suddenly blurted, then looked embarrassed.

"A story?" Logan echoed, once again surprised.

"Mommy used to tell me bedtime stories."

"He misses his mom," James told Logan. "We talked about it."

"Oh. Well. Uh...James?"

"I don't know a lot, but give me a second." Thinking fast while Mikey waited, James chuckled. "Okay, here's a good one. Once upon a time, there was a handsome young commoner who had to travel far to the ends of the earth."

"Why?" Mikey asked.

"He was seeking his fortune. He was scared because he didn't know what horrors awaited him, but he was brave enough to try to travel alone. It was a long journey and just when he was about to leave, he learned that a gorgeous prince was also making the same journey but had no way to get there because all his worldly goods had been stolen from him."

Logan frowned, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Luckily one of the commoner's friends knew the prince and told the commoner of the prince's sad plight, and so the commoner was kind enough to take the gorgeous prince along with him in the carriage."

"So I'm a commoner and you're a prince?" Logan murmured softly.

"Handsome commoner," James corrected.

"Not cute?"

"Oh, well, yeah. So it was a cute commoner, Mikey. Will you agree, Logan, that the prince was gorgeous?"

"I suppose," Logan teased. "Mikey, the prince was also a bit vain."

"What does that mean?" Mikey asked.

"It means he's full of himself and thinks everyone should bow to his beauty."

"That's a bit much, Logan," James argued. "The prince never thought that."

"Could've fooled me."

"Hey, who's telling this story here?"

"If you're gonna tell it, tell it right."

"Fine. So anyway, Mikey, the cute commoner and the gorgeous prince traveled the country together, having many adventures along the way-"

"The prince even stole some...biscuits. From a merchant."

"Logan, really? I thought we were over that."

"But the commoner made sure he returned them."

"The commoner needed to chill out. Luckily the prince knew just how to handle him."

Logan rolled his eyes, then nudged James and gestured to Mikey, who was breathing evenly and looked at peace. "Oh good, he fell asleep."

"Thank god he did before you got to the part about us fucking," Logan said quietly.

"So we're adopting him, right?"

"Yes, love. Background checks will be done this week, but we should have him home with us by New Year's Eve."

"Perfect. What a perfect way to start the new year. Logan, we talked about his mom. I almost cried. I don't want him to forget her."

"Then we'll make sure we let him talk about her often. Do you really think Kendall and Carlos are going to want to adopt that little girl?"

"Well, they've been talking about retiring. They can move back here and we can raise our kids together."

"I love how you just plan their lives out for them."

"Trust me, Kendall's going to fall in love with that little girl the same way we did Mikey."

Ms. Anna poked her head in. "Is he asleep?"

"Yes," Logan answered, rising and bringing James with him outside into the hall. "Thank you for letting us stay. For letting us come at all."

"This was so much fun for the children, thank you both as well."

As they later walked to the car holding hands, James took a moment to look up at the stars. "Can I tell you a secret?" he asked, amused that he sounded like Mikey.

"Are you gonna tell me you like me?" Logan smirked.

"That's no secret," James laughed. "But thanks for playing along."

"Anytime. Why did you want me to play the game backwards?"

"Because I knew he couldn't let that go. He reminded me of you sitting there all quiet with his book. So I wondered what would get you out of your shell. And I knew that would do it."

"Playing a game?"

"Playing it wrong. If it was you, you'd just have to correct it. Have to do things in the proper order, right?"

"I hate you," Logan chuckled. "You know me too well."

"Which is also why you love me."

"True. So what's this big secret?"

"Oh. Our first Christmas together I wished for this."

"For what?"

"A family. Remember, we were all in Florida at Carlos' place, and-"

"How could I forget? There were so many people."

"Yeah, but the four of us snuck out to the backyard and greeted Christmas at midnight, remember that?"

Logan nodded. "We sat and watched the stars."

"And I made a wish, that one day we would have this right here. You, me, a kid or two. Maybe a dog. Can we get a dog, Logan?"

"One thing at a time. But you really did that?"

"Yeah." At the car they stopped, James looking up again. "I have very good luck wishing on stars."

"So you're okay with giving up acting for awhile? I'll cut back my hours, too, so we can make this work."

"Like I said, I've made my acting dreams come true. Time to focus on the other one now. Nobody else is gonna raise that kid, Logan. He's ours."

Logan smiled, pulling James' face down for a kiss. "Merry Christmas, James."

"For tonight, I'm Santa. Ready to go hit up a twenty-four hour department store for toys?"

"Yes, but we're stopping on the way in some dark neighborhood where no one can see inside the car when we park."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I've got one more present for you."

James laughed, opening the door for Logan. "I'm thinking of something," he winked.

"Already beat you to it. I just broke your record of guessing on the first try."

"You just can't let me win, can you?"

From the driver's seat, Logan looked up at James with a grin. "You won the moment you stepped into my car, Mr. Perfect Hair and Teeth."

James' head fell back as he laughed at the old nickname. "Remember the promise you made-when I don't have either of those things left, you'll see me as you did then. Young and beautiful."

"Your beauty is in your heart," Logan reminded him, reaching through the open window to pull James' hand to his lips. "For that matter, so is your youth. Mikey's only going to make you younger."

James' fingers wrapped around Logan's. "Even when he's sassing me and staying out after curfew ten years from now?"

"Well, at that point we might age fast. But we'll have each other, and we'll be in love. What is there to worry about?"

A question like that coming out of Logan's mouth was proof that James had been exactly what he needed fifteen years ago, and exactly what he needed now. "Absolutely nothing," James smiled, leaning down for a soft kiss.

It was the truth.


End file.
